Dan Hamm Loves IWS Radio

I am the newest member of the IWS Radio team, and let me tell ya, I love it as much as I have
anything.

I made my debut yesterday, and I had a good time, and I got my first check from IWS Radio which forces me to, for the first time in my life, learn how to budget, and I appreciate Jay and Matt for having to learn that skill.

Anyway, yesterday's show was pretty awesome...
Matt gave directions to a lost soul sixty miles from his destination and Jayman had to pee at 4:30 Sunday morning.

They had a great looking chat room that was prettier than cell B-17 at Auschwitz... claimed Mike Huckabee.

Bill O'Reilly tried to make sense of Sarah Palin.

Keith Olbermann was all sorts of fucked up and was more or less incoherent.

Martin meditated us into a serene sense of serentiy and well, hot creepiness.

Schmoop was ubiquitous and she didn't even know it.

Between David Letterman and Rick Perry, one couldn't understand their Scottish guest, and the other was incomprehensible.

Jayman had a plethora of summer sounds that has ruined last few days, while Matt Man was being creeped out by the ice cream truck.

On the upside, a surprisingly sober Party Marty actually answered his phone, and told us that in spite of his 35th Class Reunion, he wasn't hungover.

Very unfortunate for the listeners, but good for Marty.

There was also a lot of bad music, interspersed, so give it a listen, it's twice the fun at half the cost...

IWS Person of the Week: The Jayyyyyyyyyyyyyman!!

Happy Daylight Saving Time to one and all, and I hope you all set your clocks ahead one hour so you catch today's IWS Radio Show LIVE today at Noon Eastern Daylight Time, and with that out of the way...

As it is Sunday, you know that it's time for the IWS Person of the Week. And this week, we are honoring a man who is a living legend in the realm of comedy, entertainment, and social media; the Birthday Boy hizzelf, IWS Radio's very own, Jayman!!

Jayman is first and foremost a man that men want to be and the ladies want to be with...

When he is not exposing his Adonis like body for the world to worship, he sets the trends in both coolness and fashion...

As co-founder of IWS Radio World Media and Entertainment Group, Jay has met with the level of success that garners him favor to the most prestigious of invites where he sits with hot babes and ahead of lesser folk...

Even Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is astonished by the magical influence and power that surrounds the Jayman...

But Jayman has never let his success nor genius go to his head, as he is always available to talk to his friends and his fans.

So here's to IWS Radio's very own Jayman, our IWS Person of the Week, and this weekend's favorite Birthday Boy.

And to catch some of Jayman's comedic wizardry, join IWS Radio LIVE today from Noon-2 PM EDT on Blog Talk Radio as Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio gang as they celebrate all things comedy as they present, Comedy: The Good, The Bad, and The Hacks.

There will be plenty of great comedy audio from your fave and least fave comics, some awful music, and perhaps a birthday shout-out or two.  All of that plus your phone calls at 661.244.9852.  So join us LIVE today from Noon-2 PM EDT on IWS Radio.

To listen LIVE, click HERE!!

Justice May Be Blind, But I Hope She Isn't A Comedian As Well

Cheeeeeeeeeers and a Happy D-Day to you all!!  What, you say?  What is this D-Day of which you speak? D-Day happened on June 6, 1944.

Yes, yes it did, the D-Day of the Normandy invasion anyway, but my friends…Today is another type of D-Day and one that is much more personal to me.

After nearly twenty-eight years of marriage including fourteen years of separation, yours truly goes to court today in order to finalize the legal dissolution of my marriage, and this guy is nervous.

People tell me, “Why be nervous? You’ll be in and out in 10-20 minutes.”  For most folks that would hold true, but people near and dear to me know that I have a dark cloud above my head that never fails to rain disruption and despair down upon my life.

So…even though the future ex-Mrs. Mahoney and I have signed the short, sweet, and concise agreement papers, here is a list of what could go wrong tomorrow and prevent me from becoming a free man.

The alarm clock here in the Bagwine digs is pretty old.  It may choose to fully unfunction and fail to wake me up in time for my court appearance.

Let’s say the alarm clock does do its job and I am well-prepared in plenty of time.  I go down to the car to drive to the courthouse, and…the battery is dead.  Can’t make it to court, and in this hearing, a no-show, is a no-go.

Let’s say we are all there in a timely manner and the judge having had a fallout with his wife earlier in the morning, is feeling melancholy and decides he cannot grant the dissolution because “you guys should attend counseling and give it one more chance.”

Dig this…Everything is going swimmingly and the judge asks me, “Mr. Mahoney, are you in agreement with the terms, and is this what you want?”  Being stricken with a sore throat from working in the elements at the Beer Mine, I at that point, lose my voice, and am unable to answer audibly.

I have mixed emotions about this next scenario…The judge denies the petition of dissolution because as he remarks, “I laugh my ass off every time Jay or Matt play Torn Between Two Lovers on the IWS Radio Show, and I don’t want to be known as the judge who put a stop to that.”

Lastly…My BFF/PSGF Schmoop is going with me, but will remain in the car during said proceeding, however…I can see her getting nervous, hop out of the car, and burst into the courtroom screaming, “Make them stay married.  If you don’t, Matt-Man will start asking me to marry him.”

Very Hurtful.

My friend, IWS Radio partner, and knower of the cloud above my head Jayman, has a bit of a different take on the outcome of today’s court proceedings.

He said to me, “Quit worrying. You’ll be in and out in fifteen minutes with no hassle…Of course Matt-Man…while walking across the street to get in your car to go home, you’ll be struck by a bus and die.”

That would be tragic.  That would be morbid.  That would be unfortunate, however…

That black cloud above my head would be gone forever because I would die knowing that for an instant, I died a happily unmarried man.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Tweet Me Baby
Facebook Me Hard

This Thanksgiving, Matt-Man Is Giving Til' It Hurts

With less than a week before America gluttonously celebrates Thanksgiving with food, wine, and Black
Friday shopping specials, I thought it would be nice to take time and reflect on the word Thanksgiving itself…Specifically, the last half of said word.

Giving.

While it is nice that at this time of year people trumpet with clarion call for what they are thankful, it would be nice to hear more from the trumpeting brass section of life about what people are doing in the matter of giving.

I being a humble man, hate to broadcast the many nice things I have done for others, but I feel perhaps it is time to exploit relate a couple of incidences of my generosity that I have shown recently in order to give people a push to do the same in their lives.

Recently, Jayman approached me and asked if we could not do a show this Sunday, November 23rd.  He said that he needed to spend quality time with his family in honor of Thanksgiving.  I said, “Of course, family comes first.”  However…

When Blog Talk Radio CEO Alan Levy was informed about us not doing this Sunday’s show, he with gnashing of the teeth and a less than competent posse of knife-wielding tech ninjas surrounding him said…

“You will surely do a show, or…you will surely die.”

Jayman along with a steel-spined and giving Matt-Man by his side, stood resolute…

Needless to say, we are still on Blog Talk Radio, but are not doing a show this Sunday.  And then?

The Beer Mine has a relatively new employee.  Beer Mine Beth has been with us for some seven months now and has kids…kids who desperately want, need, and hope to spend the blessed day of Thanksgiving with their mama, but…there was problem.

The Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd. in Bagwine, OH.) is open on Thanksgiving and Beth typically works on Thursdays.  Yours truly could not bear to envision her precious little ones spending Thanksgiving Day wiping away the tears, longing to be held in a maternal grasp while foraging on cold Beefaroni, so…

I told Beer Mine Beth that I would work Thanksgiving Day for her.  Sure I know…I could be spending it at home with my family, but, well…my family understands that the Welcome Mat laid upon the stoop of my heart and good-nature is one that reads:  “Wipe your troubles from off your feet; and at my giving table, please have a seat.”

Sure, it’s a pretty large welcome mat that contains that message, but let me tell you…the front porch of my heart is big enough to display it.

And well…That’s what I am all about this Thanksgiving...giving.  In fact, while some folks call me Matt-Man, some call me Matt, and others even call me Matty.  For all of the giving that I have been giving this Thanksgiving, I want to be known as the Amattican Red Cross.

Please follow my Christ-Like example, and as always…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Tweet Me
Friend Me on Facebook

Pre-Halloween Hiatus on IWS Radio

IWS Radio has learned that Jay and Matt are very tired and won’t be doing a show this week, but actually, it‘s not because of being physically tired…here ya go…

Matt-Man said to Jayman…

“You know I am really broken up over going through this impending divorce after 28 years…could we take a week off? I am emotionally exhausted.”

And Jay said to Matt something to the effect…Yeah, I’m sure you are bleeding like an Ebola patient inside.

Sometimes Jayman does not take Matt-Man’s sensibilities seriously, but nonetheless, we here at IWS Radio know that Matt-Man was almost emotional about his impending divorce.

So they are taking the week off, and preparing diligently for their October 26 show which will be the IWS Halloween Extravaganza Show (working title of course).

And…

They won’t be posting on the website until October 25th or something…Y’know?  These two idiots have no sense of arithmetic, time, or numbers, so…It may be later and/or earlier.  Who the hell knows, but one thing we do know…

The next IWS Radio Show will air LIVE October 26th from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio, which trust me, doesn't have a clue about numbers either!!

So, we are on a early fall hiatus until the 25th, but in the meantime, you can always catch our last show as we talked Oktoberfest and Divorce…It was a classic!!

The Albatross Is Off Of My Neck!!

IWSRADIO.COM

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.  --Samuel Taylor Coleridge

For the past few months, I have been in quite the funk.  Not a depressing suicidal funk where I hate life and all which it entails, but rather a funk that comes from being in limbo…from spinning counter-clockwise in a whirlpool of uncertainty that results from being stuck in the Horse Latitudes of life.

I have been married for twenty-seven years.  Of course, for the past fourteen of them I have been separated.  I know, crazy, right!?  Anyhoo…Finally…After all of this time, my future former ex-wife has petitioned for a dissolution.

For years, I have joked about still being married. Made merry about it, and both the Jayman and I have played Torn Between Two Lovers countless times on our IWS Radio Show, however…

It has been bugging the hell out of me, that I in a sense, had that albatross of unfinished matrimonial business around my neck.  Well, my friends, that is now coming to an end and I feel happy about that.

I mean, I could whore around with the best of them in spite of still being legally married, but now, I have closure, so now I can whore around without even experiencing the scintilla of guilt that I never experienced in the first place.  Wait…What…Anyhoo…

On top of that good news…Yesterday around 7 PM, my brother Marty called me to tell me that a family closed on the purchase of my late brother Vinnie’s house, and his estate will finally be closed out after some sixteen months.

Marty put a lot of work into that house and has been busy taking care of bills and such since our brother’s death, and at long last, he can breathe easier and the entire clan can move on from the cold and methodical business end of the legal issues of death.

In other words, if Vince left me enough money in his will, after I buy a new set of teeth, there may be a line of IWS Radio T-Shirts and can cozies on the market.  Yeah…you heard me right.

But seriously…Loose ends no matter how great or small, while not necessarily giving a person the feeling of dread, fear, or as I mentioned earlier a case of the funk, they are just enough to create a feeling of ADD, lack of focus, or even worse, a sense of, why the fuck do I care about anything?

Anyway, yesterday was relatively full of good news, not because of the terminal and legal death of both a marriage and a brother, but because the outcomes give breeze to the sails of those who were stalling.

Swiftly, swiftly flew the ship,
Yet she sailed softly too:
Sweetly, sweetly blew the breeze -
On me alone it blew. --Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Tweet Me
Facebook Me Hard

Every Change Has a Silver Lining

Cheeeeeeeers and a Happy Tuesday to all of you.  This is Tuesday, right?  I mean…

I am all confused of late as to what day it is because my routine has been altered, and I have yet to find my new day to day equilibrium.

Ya see?

After six months of being unemployed, a couple of weeks ago, my BFF/PSGF Schmoop returned to active duty in the world of jobdom, and I have yet to get used to it.

For nearly 180 days, Schmoop had been stationed within the Bagwine digs 24/7, and not only was I used to it, I liked it.  She would cook, clean, and more importantly, just always be there if something should arise.

And then she got a new job, which is wonderful both for her precarious mental health and our financial existence, but HOLY COW!!

I am not a rigid, train schedule, ABC, 123 kinda guy, but having somewhat of a routine is not a bad thing to have.

I was settled into a groove where Schmoop being off, she would make lunch before I went to the Beer Mine.  She would clean, grocery shop, or what have ya on certain days; she would help with the show every week whenever I needed her to, and well…she was always available to talk with.

And then?  BAM!!

This entire need for somewhat of a routine glaringly reared its ugly head yesterday as Jayman began our latest award winning IWS Radio Show, because...

In addition to the changes in my schedule precipitated by Schmoop going back to work, Jayman and I took a week or so off after our June 29th show.

With my mind already spinning and attempting to adapt to Schmoop not being around 24/7, and our hiatus from IWS Radio, I felt odd both prior to, during, and after yesterday’s show.

It’s funny…All day yesterday I felt like I was moving to a new section of town, entering a new grade in school, or getting a new job.  It just felt, for lack of a better word…weird.

I am not trying to be melodramatic, in fact, I find it funny that simple changes like Schmoop re-entering the workforce after a few months, which is a change for the better, can still upset the apple cart (or in this case, the potato salad cart) of one’s mindset.  Hell…Unlike Schmoop, I am not even the one experiencing the GREAT life altering change.

Oy.

I am in no way a guy who enjoys a gray and stolid continuum of life, but I do like to get into a solid and dependable groove, and when it’s working I work with it…and enjoy it.

I know I will soon get used to the changes and be able to function without my current discombobulating, but what I missed most yesterday during the show other than not being on my A-Game?

Every Sunday, Jay and I tout Schmoop as our LIVE studio audience, which she is.  However yesterday, she was just there, because she had to think about, and get ready to go to work.  I am going to miss her laughter in the background of our shows.

The greatest thing to come out of all of this, however? Sunday night when Schmoop got home, she said to me…

“I am off on Tuesday.  You get off at 4.  We can get Taco Bell, drink beer, and listen to Sunday’s show.  I miss you.”

Every change has a silver lining.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Friend Me on Facebook
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IWS Person(s) of the Week...Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players

Jay, Matt, and Team IWS took a week off from the hectic and rambunctious world of internet radio stardom in order to enjoy a little down time, but today?  They are back on the airwaves and funnier than ever (if that's possible.)

And because of that...Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players are our IWS Persons of the Week...

Guy Ahnyurdyck enjoyed a little R and R last week with with Rihanna...

Our producer Dex Lexler enjoyed some Tecate and frivolity up at Hodgepodge Lodge...

One of our Bagwine office interns had his vacation plans take a turn for the worse...

We'll find out for sure today what Jayman did on his vay-cay, but he was thinking about doing a little drinking and fishing like Babe Ruth used to do...

Yep today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio, the IWS Boys are back and feeling tan, rested, and ready to serve up some comedy...

So join Jay, Matt and the IWS Radio Team today LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET as they bring the funny and discuss their hilarious time away from stardom during the Our Vay-Cay Was Cray-Cray episode of IWS Radio.

To join the fun you can click right HERE!!

Apologies Are Being Ordered

Cheeeeeers and a Happy Hump Day to you all.

Yesterday on the IWS Radio website, Jayman, while a celebrated and internationally renown media personality, shed his stardom and called upon the strength of his own innate humility and apologized to a few folks.

His post titled, Apologies Are in Order,  inspires me today to post something similar.

As far as I am concerned, apologies are in order in my life as well, and let me tell ya, I have a list of a few people who need to be apologizing to ME!!

Time Warner Cable…The little bit of TV that I do watch happens to take place during the morning cable news shows, and for the past two weeks, you have paid to run your stupid, insidious, and unfunny, something old, something new wedding day hi-speed internet ad featuring Bill Cowher.

It runs at every God Damn break!!  Stop It!!  Just. Stop. It, and…apologize to me this second.

The Weather Channel…You already pissed me off by hiring yet another non-meteorologist in Sam Champion, but do you have to piss me off further by running an ad for his new show while I am waiting for My Local on the 8’s?

Why the hell are you running ads for his show during his show!!?  So the people watching his show won’t forget?  That’s fucking stupid, and you need to apologize to me…Now.

Beer Mine Beth…Yep.  Our new hire at the Beer Mine owes me an apology.  A huge one.  She went on vacation during Spring Break of Bagwine City Schools.  Yesterday, I saw more former Ohio Dept. of Rehab and Corrections inmates (i.e. parents) driving through with future Ohio Dept. of Rehab and Corrections inmates (i.e. their children) than I ever have in one day.

Nothing like spending a day waiting on a carload of kids who were gestated on a diet of amniotic fluid, cheap vodka, and meth trying to decide as to which kind of potato chips they would like!!

Jesus!! Take Me Now!!

Bill Pence…Mr. Pence is the owner of the soon to be defunct Corporate Imagemakers/PenceOhio Corporation and he laid-off Schmoop back in December.  Couldn't he have kept her on, and found something for her to do from like 8 A.M-11 A.M., five days a week?

Don’t get me wrong…I love the Schmoopster with all my heart, but I really miss that quiet morning time.  No talking.  No noise.  Simply me and my thoughts saying to one and other…“Ahhhhhhhhhhh.”  Yeah that dickhead needs to tell me that he is sorry for his actions.

The Two People on Facebook Who Recently Unfriended Me…I would like an apology post haste from you two ass clowns.  You know why?  I have no idea who unfriended me nor what I did.  I would much prefer that if a person unfriends me, that they would let me know it was he or she and why they did it.

In fact…That gives me a great idea.

Facebook should set it up that when a person unfriends another, it shows up on the unfriended person’s Facebook page, with the exact cause of the unfriending for all the world to see.

Ha.  That would be awesome!!

I am going to pass my idea along to Mark Zuckerberg and see if he runs with it.  If he doesn't?

That short-sighted billionaire will owe me an apology as well, because my idea is fucking brilliant!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page (and if you go there, let me know why you are unfriending me)

Are You Hot Enough to Handle Two Hours with Jayman?

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

This past Sunday (per usual) Jay, myself, and the brilliant and hard working staff at IWS Radio put on yet another award-winning radio show, however…

A temporary tragedy has befallen us.  I have to work this Sunday because the new employee at the Beer Mine will be on vacation, so the March 30th show is hanging in the balance.

There are some options as to what to do this Sunday.

1.  We could do a show Sunday night at 8 P.M.

2.  We could take the week off, and not have a show.

Or…

3.  Jayman could do the show at our normal Noon-2 PM ET time slot with a guest co-host!!

Frankly my friends, I prefer option 3, and if we go that route, I want to toss out a couple of names of people who would make an excellent co-host (or not) to work with Jayman this Sunday.

1.  Blanche Lincoln.  That’s right. Being a fellow Arkansan, Jayman would feel right at home with the sultry former Senator from Arkansas.  The only drawback to Mizz Lincoln?

Although she looks likes a man and sounds like a man, Jayman finds her hot and she may be far too distracting during the show.

2.  Vladimir Putin.  Putin is a badass, and he would bring an edginess to the show that would bring out the inner-Bad Boy in Jayman. Unfortunately, Putin is also too much of a downer for a comedy show.  If only Boris Yeltsin was still alive. That would be comedy GOLD!!

3.  Al Roker.  I hate Al Roker, but I would love to hear Jayman ask him…“You know?  We’ve never had a fake weatherman on the IWS Radio Show.”  Roker would reply, “Bullshit…You have Kirk Douglas on here pretending to be a weatherman.”  And Jayman would respond, “Damn right, and if Kirk was here in studio with us, he would kick your ass for that comment.”

4.  Frank Bonner.  That’s right, WKRP’s very own Herb Tarlek.  Another fellow Arkansan who has ignored our requests to appear on our show over and over.  Perhaps, since Mr. Bonner really isn’t doing anything these days, the title of co-host on IWS Radio instead of being a mere guest would entice him to be on our show.

5.  James Garner.  A man whom we have reported so many damn times as being dead…you’d think he’d like to come on the show with Jayman just to prove us wrong!!

6.  Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and/or Natalie Portman.  If all, or any of these three hotties were co-hosting the show with Jayman, we’d have to title the episode…“Drooling and Masturbating with Jayman.”

Actually…That would be ratings gold, but following the show, BTR would probably exercise their terms of use agreement and kick us off the air permanently.

Lastly, and drum roll please….

7.  Saving the best for last, if she wanted to, Jayman could spend two hours…120 minutes…an afternoon of non-stop hilarity with…our favorite Canadian, Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaamie!!

Jamie is the Belle of the Ball, and the most awesome chick in Hammer Town, Canada.  Jamie could just read articles out of Popular Mechanics, Car and Driver, and Consumer Reports, and her voice would send the audience into a North of the Border frenzy unseen since the days of Pamela Anderson’s last breast augmentation.

So there you have it.  A few ideas for Jayman and the IWS Radio Show for this coming Sunday.

Enjoy your Tuesday, and whatever happens, we will as always, bring you the news first, fast, and factual.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page  

Stream of Haikuciousness...When Matt-Man Develops His Spontaneous Asian Side

Yesterday on the IWS website, Jayman posted an exquisitely done stream of consciousness post.  I mean…

It was so damn well done, that while the tears of James Joyce were falling from Heaven, Jayman was receiving a call from the Ted Cruz organization begging Jayman to be their filibuster writer from here on out.

So?  I thought I’d do a little stream of consciousness writing myself, however…

Just to mix it up a little, I thought I’d stream my consciousness in the form of haikus.

So here ya go, Matt-Man’s Stream of Haikusciousness…

This winter drags on
Will it end anytime soon?
I seriously doubt it.

This Steel Reserve
Is quite tasty and so warm,
Fuck Mother Nature.

I’m off this Sunday
Facebook friends better beware,
Ima gonna drink.

Sausage, toast, and eggs
That sounds incredibly good.
So much effort though.

I just lit a smoke
I take a deep drag, and smile
Newport Reds taste swell.

Lent is almost here
I need to give up something
Bread and pasta…Gone!!

My zipper is down
I find that extremely odd
Hands were typing keys.

I bet Kate Upton
Is really awful in bed
Not allowed to bite and mar her picture perfect tits.

My last Kate haiku
Did not follow haiku rules
Oh well…suck it, Kate.

Chicken nuggets, not eggs

eggs?

Nuggets are much less trouble.
Eggs may have to sit.

I just touched my dick.
No, I didn’t have an itch
I just wanted to.

Why do people judge?
Schmoop is sound asleep in bed
And I am horny.

Thank you, and have a great Thursday…I shall spend mine saying “5-7-5” to myself.

Today’s drawer at the Beer Mine is gonna be so fucked up.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Making Love Out of Nothing at All

Cheeeeeeeeeers and a Happy Post-Super Bowl Monday to you all!!

I bet many of you who are reading this, have a hangover, which is good, because this post only gets worse from here, and so will your hangover!!

And you know what?  I find that fucking funny.

Seriously…

Of late, the Monday IWS Radio website post has revolved around a recap of the Sunday IWS radio show broadcast, which of course, we didn't do yesterday because most Americans were watching the Super Bowl.

So…

I have to think of something else to write about.  Which of course, isn't fair, hmmmmmmm?

Y’know?

I should still be allowed to write about last night’s IWS Radio show…even though we didn't have one, because…

I bet if we had broadcast a show last night, it would have been awesome!!

Jay would have opined; I would have pontificated, and the audience would have laugh until they stopped.

But alas…

We didn't do a show on which to report, so instead…

I am left here to type in a manner that merely gets the word count of this essay up to a level which makes it appear as though I put some real thought and effort into this post.

And in fact, not including the sentence that you are currently reading, I am up to 203 words, which proves something that I have known all along…

I can say nothing as well as anyone…or is it anybody?  Those two words have always confused me. Anyhoo…

Jayman and I will be doing a show this coming Sunday, February 9th as we celebrate Valentine’s Day, and how it’s a fucking bullshit holiday that revolves around women demanding a price tag on their love, and if it is not met?

Their significant other is a dead man.

Yeah…Valentine’s Day is full of love. Full of men getting kicked in the emotional junk and left needing a Viagra just in order to get it up enough to not pee all over their own feet.

I remember buying flowers for my wife one Valentine’s Day…They were elegant, well crafted, and the most beautiful shade of red I had ever seen.

Unfortunately…

I found out post roso facto, that that year she was in to yellow roses, and evidently my red roses were a big “fuck you” to her yellow rose fascination, of which, I knew nothing about.

That was years ago, but yeah, you guessed it…she’s still a cunt.

Anyway, as I really have nothing to say tonight, I’ll just end it here, and invite you all to listen to Jayman and I next Sunday from 8-10 PM ET…

We will have a hilarious, heart-felt Valentine’s Day themed show, which may or may not include midgets with big hearts, along with huge assed wives who have no souls.

Until then…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page 

Pre-Mature Sleep

Hi everybody.  It's me, Schmoop!!

On behalf of Matt-Man, I am apologizing for him not putting today's post up last night., y'see?

Bitterly cold air and working seven days a week at the Beer Mine don't mix too well.

Oh sure...Matt and Jay put out another awesome IWS Radio show last night, but after that, my baby was out...cold.

The show was over around 10:03 PM...Matt laid down on the couch "for a few minutes" at 10:06 PM, and that was the end of that.

In fact, he was so tired, that when I laid on top of him in order to see if I could get Mr. Winkie to come out and play, after a few minutes, instead of hearing Schmoop-Fueled pleasures of moaning all I heard from him was...

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

That's a tired boy right there!!

But, like I said, the boys did put on a great show.  Dusty Sandman, Rev. Moneymaker, Stubby Stonehenge, and Bobby Kraft were there as well.

So give it a listen today because it's too damn cold outside to do anything else.




Zoooooooves,

Schmoop!!

Matt-Man's 2014 Bucket List

Cheeeeeeeers and Happy New Year’s Eve to you all, you adorable Chuckleheads, you!!

It is indeed New Year’s Eve and you know what that means…

In addition to over imbibing, over eating, and having regretful post-stroke-of-midnight sex with somebody you wouldn’t have found attractive or even remotely likeable at 7 PM, we all make resolutions for the New Year!!

Well my friends, I am no different, but my resolutions are more of a Bucket List kinda thing for the year that lies ahead of us.  Following, is a list of what I want to do and/or accomplish during 2014.

1.  I am going to do my best to help Schmoop find a job whether she likes it or not.  Sorry Schmoop.

2.  I am going to look for a new job myself.  If I could find one that paid me enough to allow Schmoop to stay home, I would be a happy man.  I have never even remotely thought that way about any other woman in my life.

3.  I would like to get a CORPORATE sponsor for the IWS Radio Show.  Are we great show?  No.  Are we a pretty good show and website deserving of someone’s cash?  Yeah…and?  We’re usually Numero Uno. So, Ima gonna work on that.

4.  Sometime between June and September, I want to take a week off. Other than when I was in the hospital for a week in 2009 and unemployed for a couple of months in 2010, I haven’t had a week of real vacation since 2007.  The most I have gotten is two days off in row once every six-eight months.

5.  Considering the vacation thing and that I may assume a mild windfall of cash this year, I would like to take part of my week off and make a road trip to Redneckville, AR and finally in corporeal form, meet Jayman.

It would be an experience of a lifetime to go to Hudson’s “The People Pleasin’ Place” Grocery Store and Colton’s Restaurant with Jayman, and ultimately get thrown out of both establishments hand in hand.

6.  I would like to finally get divorced, annulled, and/or all-encompassingly dissoluted from my son’s mom. What the hell is up with that?  I know what it is, and I’ll explain it in Number 7.

7.  When and if Jayman and I make money on our show, the IWS Radio Corporation and monetary scale will be as so…Jayman CEO (50% of revenues), Schmoop CFO (49% of revenues), Matt-Man Bit Player (1% of revenues).  Don’t tell me that I’m not always thinkin’!!  Mommy Dearest will have no reason to still be married to me after that!!

8.  I am going to continue to be myself.  Some folks during the end of the year say things like, “I am going to be nicer.  More tolerant.”

Eh?  I am pretty nice, but I know that I am also a sarcastic asshole at times, and well, I like that.  It’s me, and I’m pretty good at it, so…I’m going to make sure that I remain that way.

9.  I am going to try Chocolate Almond Soy Milk……Ha!!  Yeah right.

10.  I am going to relax.  I may seem laid back and I am intellectually, but emotionally and in a physical sense, I never am.  Hell, I am already taking my shoes off more than usual, so, well…I am already making progress.

And in related news…Jayman and I did our first PRIMETIME IWS Radio Show this past Sunday and talked about stuff like this and it was a hoot!!

You should give it a listen…It will get you in the spirit of the New Year, and get your party preparations in high gear!!

Happy New Year, and Cheeeeeers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page       

Matt's Best and Worst of Christmas

Cheeeeeers and Ho Ho Ho Chuckleheads!!  It’s Christmas time and that means that now would be a good time for me to do a list of my favorite and least favorite things about Christmas, just as the uber-hot Jayman did yesterday.

Best Movies:
1.  White Christmas
2.  A Christmas Story
3.  The Bishop’s Wife (1947 Cary Grant, David Niven, Loretta Young)
4.  Christmas Vacation
5.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (So awful, it’s awesome)

Worst Movies:
1.  The Santa Clause
2.  Christmas with the Kranks
3.  Jack Frost
4.  Santa Claus The Movie (1985 Dudley Moore)
5.  It’s a Wonderful Life

Best Music:
1.  White Christmas  (Bing Crosby)
2.  O Come All Ye Faithful (Latin version Adeste Fidelis)
3.  O Holy Night
4.  Christmas Canon (Manheim Steamroller)
5.  Little Drummer Boy (Dolores O’Riordan/The Cranberries)

Worst Music:
1.  I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas
2.  The Christmas Shoes
3.  Wonderful Christmas Time (Sir Paul Fucking McCartney)
4.  All I Want for Christmas is You (Mariah Carey)
5.  Billy’s Christmas Wish (Red Sovine)

Best Traditions:
1.  Lights and Decorations
2.  Wassailing
3.  Making fun of Christians who celebrate the Holy Baby Jesus by adorning people they hate, with gifts.
4.  Christmas Eve at my Brother Marty’s house with the family.
5.  Eating, drinking, and listening to Christmas music with Schmoop on Christmas Day.

Worst Traditions:
1.  Christmas Family Newsletter (no changing Jayman’s #1 on that one)
2.  The Phony War on Christmas
3.  Black Friday
4.  At the in-laws, having EACH and EVERY PERSON OPEN ONE PRESENT AT A TIME!!
5.  NBA Basketball

Best Goodies:
1.  Green, Red, and Silver Hershey Kisses.
2.  Schuler’s Donuts
3.  My brother Denny’s Christmas Eve chili.
4.  Homemade decorated sugar cookies.
5.  Sugar Plums!!

Worst Goodies:
1.  Eggnog  (Good call Jayman!!)
2.  Those chocolate candies what with the maple filling.
3.  Mince Fucking Meat
4.  Fruit Cake
5.  Cheese Balls Covered in Nuts.  (C’mon…simply use Cheese, Dried Beef, and end it.)

Best General Christmas Stuff:  Hangin’ out with Schmoop, partying Christmas Eve with my family, delighting in the fact that Alyssa Milano retweeted Jayman, and stiffin’ the bell ringer outside of Wal*Mart.

Worst General Christmas Stuff:  Phonies who proclaim that Jesus is the reason for the season all the while “consumerzing”, ratings driven shout outs to our troops by the media, and the fear, dread, and worry that people feel over the fact that they may not have bought somebody the “right thing” in honor of the Holy Baby Jeebus’ made up birth date.

Perhaps, if we are truly Christians or decent people in general, we would be better served by replacing His Birthday with Sermon on the Mount Day.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Hey? Did You Know..?

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

Hey?  Did you know that it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month?  I’m not kidding.  So folks out there, check out your breasts.

Hey?  Did you know that this coming Thursday is my son’s 19th birthday?  If you are going to his birthday party this Saturday, tell him I said hi.

Hey?  Did you know that today is National Babbling Day?  So c’mon folks, go out there today and be yourselves.

Hey?  Did you know that the suggested serving size of Great Value Tater Tots is ten tots?  It’s true, so let’s not make a pig out of yourselves at your next meal.

Hey?  Can you tell I woke up around 10:06 PM Sunday night and realized that it was my turn to post on the IWS website?

Hey?  Did you know that around here at least, Pizza Hut still has the any pizza for ten bucks offer.  Schmoop and I took advantage of that yesterday and we bought two.  We’re such pigs.

Hey?  Did you know that IWS Radio is the #1 comedy show on Blog Talk Radio?  It’s true…you should scurry off and listen to it…multiple times a day.

Hey?  Did I tell you that my BFF Schmoop started her period yesterday?  Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that.

Hey?  Would you take you the trash sometime?  Thanks.

Hey?  Can you tell that I am just phoning this one in?  I thought so.

Hey?  Did you know that Jay is positive that his life sucks and will never get any better.  That’s so sad.

Hey?  Are you a Wiccan or know somebody who is?  We’d like to interview a Wicca type folk on next Sunday’s show.

Hey?  I’m outta here, but before I go, I have something to ask of you…

Give yesterday’s IWS Radio Show a listen.  Jayman, myself, and even the uber-hot Schmoop got all reflective and introspective n’shit.

Annnnnnnnnnd folks….Thanks to Martin, we got naked with Tamron Hall; LIVE on the show!!  It was awesome.

So listen up and give it a laugh…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

IWS Person of the Week...Jayman

He's Steamy and infected...

He's Adventurous and yet, he has bugs...

He's downright pissed when his computer pukes, although maybe HE should be throwing up...

And then....Sometimes he's just downright creepy...

But that's okay, because authorities have picked up upon that...

It's good to know that Jayman is on antibiotics, and on the watchful eye of the government.  If we didn't have that, we would have Arkansans running amok.

And it 's even better knowing that Jayman is the IWS Person of the Week.  Because...

In spite of his pee-pee vaginitis, that boy did double time on today's radio show as he clicked out and then came back in!!

So, here's to Jayman, our IWS Person of the Week!!

Our Anniversary is Coming Up and Gifts are Encouraged!!

Cheers, and how is everyone today? Well I hope, and anyhoo…

Y’know folks?

This past Sunday on the IWS Radio Show which featured bad poetry and Mexican-Americans who get turned on by chicks who can sound like a man, Jayman and I put on one helluva two hour internet radio show.

Some of the hilarity and professional type radio brilliance came from Jayman and I; however, much of it came from our hardworking IWS Radio team.

People such as…

Bobby Kraft…Guy Ahnyurdyck…Dixie Ozark…Slyder Balzcock…Kirk Douglas…Paul Piatt, and of course, the man with no first name…Rev. Moneymaker.

But of course, what made the show a success were the guests in the chat room, and the caller-inners.

People such as…

The Lady Killer, Jesse Ferg…The Bryon with a Y lovin’, Nurse Sherri…Our newest American Luis, and his hilarious wife Michelle…A fun-loving, non-gay man from Northern California, one Brown Beasely…and of course…

That North of the Border Hot Mess of Disorder, the uber-lovely Canadian, Jamie…who was listening from her bed, and as far as Jay and I could tell and/or imagined, she was naked while doing so.

Yeah that’s great and all that Matt-Man, but what is your point?

My point is…

While I enjoy doing the show every Sunday with Jayman, yesterday I had FUN doing the show because we had great callers, great chat room guests, and THAT, is a recipe for fun, and I am sure that Jayman feels the same way.

Jayman and I can do a show and banter quasi-wittingly amongst ourselves for 120 minutes, but it is always more fun when people chime in.

You see?  If people don’t chime in during our show, it poses the age-old question.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make a noise?  Likewise…

If Jay and I do a radio show, and nobody joins in, was the only noise created, that of our own voices?  Yes!! And really?  Who wants that?

Nobody.  Not even Tiffany Dupont nor a falling tree in a forest that makes no sound…or something, but anyhoo…

So folks, at long last, here is my point.

This Sunday, August 25th from Noon-2 PM ET on IWS Radio, Jayman and I will be celebrating the end of our third season on Blog Talk Radio, and we’d like your help.

We want you to help us fill the chat room.  We want anyone and everyone to call-in; we’d like you to record and send to us your words of encouragement or disdain, and we want to have one helluva send off to season number three of IWS Radio.

Help a couple of bruthas out, as we celebrate season three and look forward to season four, but…

Just don’t sound like Schmoop when doing so, because as she said to me early Sunday morning…

“Oh Dear God!!  There’s Going to be a Season Four!!?”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

So Matt-Man Has Some Random Thoughts

So yesterday…

Jayman had some random thoughts, and I thought to myself, in a less than random manner, that maybe today, I would do the same.

So, heres goes…

I wonder if at some point while Trayvon Martin was on top of George Zimmerman allegedly wailing away upon Zimmerman, if he asked Mr. Zimmerman…

“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

What?  Too soon? Anyhoo…

Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, had a baby boy yesterday.  I hope that their son in honor of, and in solidarity with his grandfather Prince Charles, grows up to marry a man named Camilla.

I get off at 5 PM today, so you know what that means.  That’s right…I’ll be drunk by 7 PM.  Getting old does have its benefits.  Beer Buzzes come much more inexpensively.

I see that we are picking up a few more “likes” on our IWS Facebook page of late.  If you don’t like our Facebook page, you are a Communist and will spend the eternal afterlife in Hell being fondled by a bare-chested Vladimir Putin.  Uuch.

I had Johnsonville Cheddar Wurst last night.  They were delicious.  You know why?  Because what’s not delicious about cooked pig meat with cheese inside?  Nothing.  Yeah, it’s that simple.

Two of my favorite words are, “shenanigans” and “interloper.”  Is there a problem with that?  For your sake, I hope not.

In order to soothe racial tensions within this country, President Obama is spending a family vacation in Martha’s Vineyard.  The next stop along his, “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner Tour” will be spent hosting, “A Week of Skeet Shooting and Cocktails with Wayne LaPierre” in Roanoke, VA.

My right hamstring is killing me!!

My BFF Schmoop went to the Doctor for what appears to be the last time yesterday.  Her insides are fine, but looking at the rosy glow on her face, I think she may be pregnant…by HIM!!

If I was going be a fish of some sort, I would be a Killer Whale.  Even though they are menacing looking, they are friendly, and adorable…and no one messes with them, because they have “Killer” in their name.

If I wasn’t having brats last night, I would have had SPAM, but I wouldn’t have had it, because unfortunately, we have none on hand.  Mores the pity.

Yesterday, Jayman mentioned that he should have his penis post on here at some point.  When he mentioned that I thought I could do the same, however…

How’s my penis gonna do a sincere and articulate post when he can’t remember more than half of the places he has been?

I’ll just let my penis slumber in its old age and…Oh damn…I left a cigarette burning as I typed this.  Talk to you all later.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

The EAS Warning Tone is the Soundtrack of My Life

Cheers Bitches and suck it!!  Yeah that’s right…

I said that, and you know?

While I haven’t said that in quite awhile, after Jayman happily graciously bringing some things to my attention on the air yesterday during our IWS Radio Manabration broadcast, I should say that more often.

During our opening witty banter yesterday, Jayman pointed out to me that during our nearly three years on the air, a number of things have transpired in my life that are less than pleasant, and promulgate the theory that a metaphoric cloud does indeed hang above my head.

Since the inception of our radio show on August 29, 2010 Jayman noted that the following things have happened in my life…

My brother John died.

I was laid off for awhile.

Schmoop underwent a traumatic medical scare and subsequent major surgery that put her out of commission, unemployed, and in the dumps for several months.

Drive-By Mikey, the Beer Mine owner and my boss, lost his dad and his Mother-in-Law.

My brother Vince died.

Annnnnd as Jayman laughingly soberly pointed out…Schmoop and I had broken up and reunited 114 times.

What the hell?  Why do these things always happen to me?  These people dying, laying me off, and rebuking my undying love, are beginning to piss me off, damn it!!

It makes me realize that there isn’t a mere cloud that hangs above my head; it’s a super cell thunderstorm pregnant with the rain of ruination, lachrymose lightning strikes, and hailstones of heartache.  It’s a sad, sad situation, my friends.

I met the new year, this year, 2013 with hope as I knew that this is the Year of the Snake.  I mentioned back in February on our radio show that since I was born in the Year of the Snake, this was going to be MY YEAR.

I went on to state that especially this summer, the one that is but days away, was going to be the Summer of Matt, and guess what?

Last night I was writing about what I plan to do and/or accomplish during the Summer of Matt, but guess what happened at 11:34 PM yesterday.

I fricking assidently deleted the damn essay!!  Ha!!  Of course I did!!  Why wouldn’t I?

It’s very understandable why I did delete it.  My fingers slipped on the keyboard as the super cell thunderstorm above my head was raining ruination down upon me.

So last night after that unforeseen, yet totally expected incident in my life, I shut down the computer, took God’s name in vain, ate a most excellent hoagie, and then went to bed.

Sometimes I think I should just give up, but Jayman pointed out something to me yesterday during his listing of my maladies, that gives me hope.

He reminded me that summer doesn’t officially begin until this coming Friday, so it may very well still be the Summer of Matt.

I am going to cling to that shred of hope like grim death, well…

Until I wake up Friday morning, slip on the hailstones dropping from the metaphoric storm over my head, trip over the coffee table, and break my coccyx.

Uuch…I need to buy a metaphoric umbrella.

But in the meantime, I, as you should do as well, will listen to our IWS Radio Manabration show that aired yesterday.  It was good stuff, and you can catch all the hilarity right here:

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws