Roses, Restraining Orders, and Repentance

LIVE THIS SUNDAY February 14, 2016 from Noon-2 PM ET join IWS Radio as Jay and Matt get lovey-dovey, funky and uber-sarcastic with Valentine's Day.

Here's a sample of the Love-Fest you will experience...

Join Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio gang as they celebrate love and at the same time mock those who see Valentine's Day as an important day on which to validate and boost the fragile self-esteem of others with roses, candy, and ginormous teddy bears hooked on Ursine Growth Hormones (UGH). Also...

The IWS crew and the live-wired folks in the chat room will discuss the creepy side of "love" that is the art and science of stalking. Be it in every day life or through Social Media outlets stalkers are everywhere, and Jay and Matt will discuss the do's and dont's of good/bad stalking techniques.

Also, the 2016 Lenten Season is upon us. Are you giving up anything or going to try to be a better person over the next 40 days? Will Jay and Matt? They along with Jamie Mapleleaf, and you the callers who call-in at 661.244.9852 will discuss all of these things as IWS Radio presents: Roses, Restraining Orders, and Repentance.

Awwwwwwww yeahhhhhhhhh. Let the love and the comedy flow. So, join us LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET or catch the show later in archives by playing our IWS LOVE Machine:

Rev. Moneymaker LOVES IWS Radio and HATES Sin

Helloooo friends and frenimies...Rev. Moneymaker here. I think I attended the IWS Radio St. Patrick's Day Party yesterday, but I am not quite sure...

Also, I think I expounded biblically on yesterday's  IWS Radio Show.

You see...I have had some tragedy, despair, and disappointment in my life of late, and while I am pretty sure that I gave a sermon of some type on IWS Radio yesterday, I cannot be certain...

I do know that Jay and Matt talked about Matt-Man being sick because he doesn't believe in THE LORD.

And I do know that Jay and Matt talked about Jay being on the verge of a Facebook mail bride because she knows how to clean a house and that in her opinion, Jayman might be gay. But...

Everything else is just a big Lenten Free for All full of too much drink, and too much regret, and for that, I apologize.

I do remember that Jay and Matt played some spectacular and not so spectacular Irish music and that there was a lot of coughing in the background.

And now as it is all coming back, I remember John McCain being both for AND against the Irish, and I was cool with that, and it reminded me that I did in fact, say something yesterday.

So check out, Jay, Matt, the IWS Radio Players along with myself and Sen. John McCain.  If that isn't a God Damn St. Patrick's Day party, I don't know what is!!

God Bless You and Keep You,

Rev. Moneymaker

Cupid Hearts IWS Radio

Hi all!!  Cupid here, and let me tell you, I am going to be so God Damn busy today.  I’ll be firing arrows of love throughout the world today.  I’ll be pulling on my bow string so much today that my wrist will be
quivering with carpal tunnel.  Ha!!

Get it?  Quivering?  Arrows?  Ha…I fucking crack myself up.  I have to keep myself joyful today because while I enjoy bringing people together, it’s ponderous man; it’s fucking ponderous.

But let me tell ya…When Valentine’s Day is over, I am going to go home, sleep in, and then get up Sunday at Noon ET so I can listen to those two other Gods of Love, Jay and Matt on the IWS Radio Show.

They have a hilarious and love-filled show on tap for all y’all.  In fact, I read the press release in this week’s Variety Magazine and it read:

Jay and Matt sweep up the broken pieces of the pathetic men who bought overpriced crap and the pathetic women who were “under-appreciated” and/or had their hearts broken on Valentine’s Day. They also spend time feigning outrage and overtly mocking the nationwide cinematic opening of Fifty Shades of Grey. But wait, there’s MORE!!

Presidents’ Day is upon us and it is incumbent upon the IWS staff to make fun of each and every Oval Office inhabitant that has ever tried to govern this great nation. If that isn’t enough, IWS Radio drinks in the debauchery of Mardi Gras and talks of repentance with the arrival of Lent. Jay and Matt will also talk candidly and openly about the moral and ethical question facing us today…

Should Jay and Matt begin to post pictures of fully-exposed boobs and bare-naked booties upon the IWS Radio website?  All of that plus your phone calls at 661.244.9852 as IWS Radio celebrates Pathetic People, Presidents, and Boobies!!

After a full day of spreading love, it will be nice to sit back, relax, and listen to this dynamic duo pick up where I left off.  So…

Listen tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as IWS Radio presents, Pathetic People, Presidents, and Boobies!!

To listen LIVE click right HERE.

As always and of course with LOVE,

Cupid

Lent Is Here, And So Is The Guilt

Holy Cow!!

If you missed yesterday’s IWS Radio Show, you missed a lot.

No…seriously.

The erstwhile Bobby Kraft and avuncular Kirk Douglass both went off on each other, as well as going off on Jay and Matt, AND the listeners.

It was pandemonium in Piscataway!!

I mean…if you live in Piscataway, New Jersey, which nobody worthwhile does, so…and anyhoo…

And then, Jay and Matt called out Paul Piatt for picking up personal sponsorships using the IWS name.

Fortunately, Tammy Tibbles and Paula Deen were on hand in order to bring some much needed joy and decorum to the proceedings.

I tell ya…

Yesterday’s show about the joy and repentances of Lent was anything but…however, Jay and Matt kept the flock on the right path and shared the love and joy of Jesus Christ two fold, just as God shared the joy of life two fold with Job.

In fact, if you listen to yesterday’s show, you will be blessed not only by an abundance of comedy, courtesy of Jay and Matt, you will be blessed by the Almighty Father Hizzelf and from Matt’s friend, Dr. Gina Gentry Loudon…

So give it a listen.  It doesn’t cost anything, annnnnnd…If you do, God will bless you.

Matt Said, Jay Said...Genevieve Morton Said

Matt sacrifices for Lent…Jay opts not to…You weep for The Lord.

Matt:  Howdy Mr. Man.
Jay:  How you’se?
Matt:  Just dandy, in spite of the weather still being a cold, steamy pile of shit.
Jay:  Can a cold pile of shit actually steam?
Matt: Well…I guess I mixed a metaphor…or an idiom…or…something.
Jay:  That’s okay.  This winter has been brutal for all of us, and has lead to atrophy of our brains.
Matt:  Yep…What?

Jay:  Anyhoo…With Lent beginning this Wednesday, we could talk about all things Lent-related.
Matt:  That’s a brilliant idea.  There has evidently been no apostrophe of your brain.
Jay:  It’s called atroph---never mind, and thank you.
Matt:  You’re welcome.

Jay:  We could talk about what we may or may not give up for Lent.
Matt:  We could talk about famous people we would like to give up for Lent.
Jay:  And/or sacrifice.
Matt:  Even Better!!

Jay:  Some people give up certain foods, like sweets, meat, bread.  We could…
Matt:  We could provide alternative menus for those who do!!
Jay:  Exactly!!  Perhaps your brain is becoming less apostrpopheed.
Matt:  What?
Jay:  What?

Matt:  We could talk about faith or lack thereof.
Jay:  We could talk about what some of the more famous people might want to give up for The Lord.
Matt:  Excellent.
Jay:  I know, right?

Matt:  Paul Piatt, Tammy Tibbles, Slyder Balzcock among others could chime in.
Jay:  Perhaps Rev. Moneymaker, and one pissed off Kirk Douglas will be there with the weather.
Matt:  Also we’ll have some Lenten style, Lord lovin’ music.
Jay:  And we could also ha…

STOP RIGHT THERE MY TWO SMOKIN’ HOT GENTLEMEN!!

Hi folks super sexy, ultra-hot Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Genevieve Morton here for IWS Radio with a HUGE announcement.

Me, myself, and my most amazing set of tits, are here to announce that Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio are back on at Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

I told the sexy, dynamic duo, that I didn't like them being on from 8-10 PM on Sundays, because I missed listening to them LIVE while lying naked and writhing about in my bed during Sunday brunch, so…

These two giants of international internet radio, capitulated to me and my amazing rack, and responded…

“So let it be requested; so let it be done.”  And then of course…they giggled like twelve year old boys.

Anyway…Yes, Jay and Matt will be talking Lent.  Yes it will be funny as hell, and yes…They will be on LIVE tomorrow from NOON-2 PM ET on the BTR Network.

Make sure you make a note of the time change, listen LIVE, and call-in at 661.244.9852, because…

The more people I see in that chat room, and the more people I hear calling in, the more I will touch myself while spilling a mimosa and scrambled eggs all over my writhing brunch-time body.

To listen LIVE and imagine me writhing from Noon-2 PM ET tomorrow, click right HERE.

Love…
Genny

Stream of Haikuciousness...When Matt-Man Develops His Spontaneous Asian Side

Yesterday on the IWS website, Jayman posted an exquisitely done stream of consciousness post.  I mean…

It was so damn well done, that while the tears of James Joyce were falling from Heaven, Jayman was receiving a call from the Ted Cruz organization begging Jayman to be their filibuster writer from here on out.

So?  I thought I’d do a little stream of consciousness writing myself, however…

Just to mix it up a little, I thought I’d stream my consciousness in the form of haikus.

So here ya go, Matt-Man’s Stream of Haikusciousness…

This winter drags on
Will it end anytime soon?
I seriously doubt it.

This Steel Reserve
Is quite tasty and so warm,
Fuck Mother Nature.

I’m off this Sunday
Facebook friends better beware,
Ima gonna drink.

Sausage, toast, and eggs
That sounds incredibly good.
So much effort though.

I just lit a smoke
I take a deep drag, and smile
Newport Reds taste swell.

Lent is almost here
I need to give up something
Bread and pasta…Gone!!

My zipper is down
I find that extremely odd
Hands were typing keys.

I bet Kate Upton
Is really awful in bed
Not allowed to bite and mar her picture perfect tits.

My last Kate haiku
Did not follow haiku rules
Oh well…suck it, Kate.

Chicken nuggets, not eggs

eggs?

Nuggets are much less trouble.
Eggs may have to sit.

I just touched my dick.
No, I didn’t have an itch
I just wanted to.

Why do people judge?
Schmoop is sound asleep in bed
And I am horny.

Thank you, and have a great Thursday…I shall spend mine saying “5-7-5” to myself.

Today’s drawer at the Beer Mine is gonna be so fucked up.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Son of God: The Movie

Hiya Chuckleheads…This is the Matt-Man, and today I am spreading the good news of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

That’s right…Just like the parishioner patriots over at FOX News, I am here today to tout the forthcoming movie that revolves around Messianic miracles…a movie so SHOCKING, yet inspiring, and never before seen on screen…

The movie to which I refer?

Son of God.

Damn right…The 20th Century Fox movie, Son of God, based upon the successful HBO miniseries, The Bible, will be released this Friday, February 28th in theaters nationwide.

Son of God is produced by legendary TV guy, Mark Burnett, and his quasi-hot, actress wife, Roma Downey, of Touched by an Angel fame…

Well?  For some strange reason, the FOX News network is all over this, and have invited the Jesus producing couple onto their network nativity 24/7 the past few days, in order to promote the Son of God movie.

I understand the network promoting a movie by a sibling company, but Jesus Christ, FOX News has been all over the release of this movie like the lips of Judas upon the Son of God’s cheek.  And…FOX’s coverage is nearly as wet and grotesque.

The other night, Sean Hannity had a forty member or so “focus group” on his show, in order to critique the Son of God film which they were allowed to preview.

The focus group, made up of diverse right-wing Christian Conservatives such as Sean Hannity himself, gave it eighty thumbs up!!

I would have thought there might have been at least one Judas in the “diverse” focus group who only gave it one thumb up, but…no.  Praise Jeebus!!

I know…I know…

FOX News is praising this movie because it allows them to sing to the choir of their demographics.  Right-wing…Christian…God-Fearing people who everyday hear from FOX News, that Christians are day by sad Muslim loving day, being diminished, discriminated against, and ostracized, because well…

The 2-8% of non-Christians in America have been, and continue to, deface nativity scenes, kick Santa Claus out of cancer centers, and have sucked the once-powerful truth serum of laying one’s hands on the Bible prior to giving testimony during a court proceeding.

Fucking non-Christian antagonists!!

I understand where Hannity and FOX News are coming from.  They talk about how that Liberal snake-pit of Hollywood has failed to release a movie about the life of Jesus from birth to resurrection since the Greatest Story Ever Told was released some 49 years ago.

Oh sure, there have been more than a few dozen movies about Jesus in the meantime, but none that have covered his entire life from manger to ascension…and like most of my fervent Christian friends like Sean Hannity and William Donohue, I too, have found that troubling.

Not a day has gone by since 1965 that I haven’t cursed Hollywood for not making an updated, uber complete, life of Jesus movie.  It’s what I longed for, ever since FOX News told me to.

Ha…whatever.

FOX News exists in order to generate ratings and revenues like any other network, and currently they are doing it by playing the Son of God movie angle to their viewers.

That’s fine by me…however, I do have a bone to pick about this movie being heralded by FOX News to be the ENTIRE story of Jesus…

Jesus is supposed to come back one day; so, the movie is not complete, nor his story over.  And if, and when, the J-Man does come back…

Will he appreciate you guys at FNC exploiting his good will in order to pump up your ratings?

I don’t fucking think so.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Resurrecting My Virginity

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads, and Happy Holy Thursday to you all.

And…it is very appropriate that I am writing what I am about to write on Holy Thursday because Holy Thursday marks the day that Jesus washed the feet of others and had his last supper.

I think…hmmm?

Maybe it was the day that he cured the blind man of his deafness…Y’know?

I get all of his acts of kindness and miracles mixed up, anyhoo…let’s assume this was the day of his washing of the feet thing and his last supper.  Okay?

Great, and thanks…

Early last week, I wrote about how I was has having writer’s block and in a kind of creative malaise.  I blamed various things.  I blamed other people…the weather…society…and to a much lesser degree, myself.

Well folks, I think I have put my finger, or in this instance, my right hand on the problem.

It’s sex, or more accurately, the lack of sex.

See? As many of you know, my BFF/OSP Schmoop took ill back in October, and while she is doing fine and now operating at 90-95% efficiency as a human being, we haven’t had sex in nearly six months.

This my friends, has weighed heavily upon my mind.  Some days, I can’t eat.  I can’t be myself.  I can’t write, because all I think about is how long it has been since I have had sex.  It’s debilitating!!

Some days go by that all I think about is, when is the next time that I’m going to get little sumpin sumpin’ from Schmoop!!?

That thought has brought my creative genius to its once prolific knees.  So…

I have decided that since being a witty writer and international internet radio show guy is who I am and want I to continue to be, the only way that I can remain to be that guy, is to give up sex in perpetuity, so that this current and cancerous thought of needing, yet not having sex, no longer clouds my once fertile mind.

I think I can do it, no…I KNOW I can do it.  Hell, it’s been six months already, what’s another six years?

Hell, in six years, my nuts will be suffering from rug burn, and my three inch dick will be three foot long but only one centimeter in circumference.  It’ll be looking like a Crazy Straw, and really?  Who wants to have sex with a Crazy Straw?

Man!!  I am feeling refreshed and re-invigorated already as I get this off of my newly sexless chest!!  This is awesome!!

Of course…I am going to have be strong and there will be a couple of minor changes that need to take place during my celibacy.

It’s going to be difficult to watch Schmoop cavort around the digs in a state of half-nakedness.  It’s going to be hard not to get excited when Jo pops into the IWS Radio chat room briefly prior to her leaving when she finds that she is still getting no audio.

And…the big change?

I currently call Schmoop my BFF/OSP (Occasional Sex Partner), unfortunately that will have to change and thanks to Jayman, I do have a new title for Schmoop…She will now be known as my…

BFF/FSP (Former Sex Partner)…I think that designation has a certain elegance and panache about it, which is rare.

As is my creative genius, which ironically in its rediscovered virginal state, can now once again go forth and multiply.

This has been the new Matt-Man who is reclaiming, rediscovering, and resurrecting his virginity saying unto you on this holiest of Thursdays…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Christians of Convenience

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads…

We are already a full week into Lent and before you know it, many will be celebrating the fact that Jesus dangled from a cross, got stuffed into a cave, and then a couple days later walked back out in order to roam the Earth for awhile, pick up some Chinese food, and then head up the astral staircase to lounge about with his dad for all eternity.

What a great time to be a Christian!!

Of course…anytime is a great time to be a Christian, well…provided it doesn’t interfere with one’s personal moral compass, or their bigotry, or their intolerance, or…their whoring, their judging, their hypocrisy, their…well, you get the picture.

Yes indeed, even more so than at Christmas, during the Easter season there are Christians, Christians all around, yet not a drop of grace to drink.

Certainly, there are plenty of people who call themselves Christians and proudly sashay down the runway of pretentiousness draped in bejeweled trappings of haughtiness and a tiara or top hat of arrogance, acting as though they had just been named Mr./Miss Jesus Christ is Lord 2013, but…

Beneath the saintly veneer of these self-regaling righteous ones, exists the anti-soul of the Devil, and persons who have no time for beatitudinal details.

Take my neighbor, Little Jimmy Stewart for instance…Claims to be a devout Catholic…a devout Christian. Believes in in God, guns, and his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Hell, he reminds me of Lt. Kendrick in A Few Good Men, albeit an out of shape Lt. Kendrick.

Seriously, ol’ Jimmy thinks of himself as a follower of Christ, so much that, he has scorned and chastised me for often using Christ as a comedy tool. “That’s not funny. You make fun of Jesus, and you are going to Hell.”

Two things about that…First of all, Jimmy boy has no sense of humor, because like it or not, using the purity and sanctity of Jesus and twisting it into something gross, sexual, and/or amoral is fucking funny, and secondly?

People like Jim, and there are plenty, shouldn’t tell me how offensive I am being by making Jesus jokes when their Facebook pages are littered with nothing but bigoted posts, anti-gay posts, Obama is a non-citizen nigger posts, and holding weenie roasts/Quran burnings like Jim did a couple of 9/11’s ago.

Hypocrisy I tellz ya…Hypocrisy in its basest and most definable form, and the pity is, most of them never see it, because, Jesus loves them this they know for their ignorance tells them so.

Hell I know a couple of women, one in particular.  She has the perfect family, the perfect marriage, goes to church religiously, and scorns me for not going to Church and like Jim, berates me for having some occasional comedic fun with the Holy Baby Jeebus. She too, has in the past, told me that I am going to Hell.

She’s really amazing because let me tell you, between her sinful vanity sessions of having her capped teeth cleaned, her manufactured tits adjusted, and giving blow jobs to the barber across town who is not her husband, I have no idea how the hell she has any time left in the day to judge me!!  But by golly, I guess the Lord gives her 25 hours in a day because…She’s a Christian!!

Uuch…

Listen folks.  It’s fine to call oneself a Christian.  I do, however…I admit my mistakes, my failings, my transgressions, and more often that not, publicly.  On Facebook.  Or on the air.  Or on here. Sometimes to Jayman’s chagrin…Anyhoo…

Here’s my Lenten message to all of you self-proclaimed Christians who rationalize your shortcomings and eat from the body of Christ ala carte…

Quit being such phony fucks.  There is no shame in failing as a human being and sinning here and there, but to pretend that you don’t, that is the greatest sin of all, because when you do that, you never seek forgiveness, and more importantly, you never change your ways.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Matt Said, Jay Said 21613

Matt whimpers…Jay moans…You get their assisted living rooms ready.

Matt:  Hellooooo?
Jay:  Wait a minute…(garbled noise) (more garbled noise) Okay…Hi.
Matt:  What the hell were you doing?  Stuffing a dead hooker in your fridge?
Jay:  I was tryi----
Matt:  Hold on…my boss is calling me, I’ll you alert as to when he is done.
Jay:  Okay.

(five minutes pass, Jay calls back)

Matt:  Howdy.
Jay:  Could you answer your damn phone?
Matt:  I just did.
Jay:  I mean on the first ring.
Matt:  Hell no…I’m old, and my kidneys hurt.  Takes me awhile to get to it.
Jay:  Alright.
Matt:  How’s your back?
Jay:  It has felt like shit since I put together that table this week.
Matt:  Whatafuckingshame…What are we going to talk about on Saturday’s show?

Jay:  I was going to ask you.
Matt:  Well…I had two thoughts.
Jay:  Wow, that’s impressive…and unprecedented.
Matt:  Cute…Either, Open Phone Line Saturday, or a President’s Day show type thing and...
Jay:  Giving up Rose and Steel Reserve has made you more lucid, but I dunno, those ideas seem a bit….
Matt:  Orrrrrr…We could talk about guys who are afraid to give up Pepsi for Lent.

Jay:  I loooooove the Open Phone Line Saturday idea.
Matt:  Yeah. I mean the President’s Day thing would be good, but…
Jay:  But who really cares?
Matt:  Exactly…we want numbers and ratings.
Jay:  Damn right, we’re not beneath putting quantity before quality.
Matt:  Never have been.
Jay:  Never will.

Matt:  We can encourage listeners to call-in and get whatever is on their chest, off their chest.
Jay:  They could speak their mind about the Russian meteor, Chuck Hagel, or the State of the Union.

Matt:  They could chime in on Oscar Pistorius the legless sprinter who killed his girlfriend.
Jay:  Frankly, I am stumped as to why he did that.
Matt:  IKR?
Jay:  We could open up the phone lines for opinions on Christopher Dorner, and what constitutes a cabin.
Matt:  Excellent!!  We could also talk about the fact that today is Singles Awareness Day.

Jay:  It’s what?  Sing---?
Matt:  Singles Awareness Day.  After Valentine’s Day, single people have their special day.
Jay:  Oh wow…I didn't know that.
Matt:  Well now you do, so I guess in this case, an “Awareness Day” actually worked.
Jay:  How ‘bout that?  Fascinating.  I’ll make sure to nuke a special Hormel Meal for One today.

Matt:  So I guess we’re set.  Hope the listeners support our efforts and call-in, but if not…
Jay:  If not, we have plenty of magic with which to work our speculative comedy.
Matt:  Alrighty then. I will see you on the air at 11 PM ET tonight!!
Jay:  Yep…Provided my back doesn't go out again.
Matt:  And my kidney pain doesn't flare back up.
Jay and Matt:  I think we’re ready for Open Line Saturday!!

If you’d like to listen in, and or call-in LIVE TONIGHT at 11 PM ET on the IWS Open Line Radio Show you can click right : HERE
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Lent and Lunch are Like Peanut Butter and Jelly ... Or Something

Hola y’all! You know what? I’m kind of having a problem with two things, and they both begin with the letter “L.”  There are a lot of things that begin with the letter “L” that really suck. Just of the top of my head I can think of  love, loneliness, lobotomy, losers, litter, lawyers, licorice, lunatic, liars, liver, Lichtenstein, love letter, lizards, leprechauns, lice, lameness, loins, lettuce and well, LIFE!  I’m sure there’s a lot more, but you get the idea. But, like I said, there are two things that begin with “L” that are really pissing me off right now …

Lunch and Lent.

I really don’t care for either. They’re both stooooopid! And, I can never decide what I should do about either. So, I guess the obvious thing to do is combine the two. No, I’m not giving up having lunch for lent, but there are some things I’m going to give up having for lunch during lent.

Originally I was going to give up Pepsi for lent, but then I thought, fuck that. See, there are some very good reasons not to give up Pepsi for lent. 1) I don’t want to. 2) I won’t do it. 3) It’s not worth it.

I’ve done the lent thing a few times. I gave up alcohol one year, which was much easier than it seems. I gave up chips and fast food another year. Again, that wasn’t a really big sacrifice. Now, I know people say you should give up something big that you really love. This somehow brings us closer to God and gives us strength and blah, blah, blah. If that works for you then that’s great and I totally support your lifestyle choices. But, it hasn’t done shit for me. In fact, even after participating in this lent-thing what did I get from God?

HEARTACHE!

God damn right, bitches! Nothing but heartache. So, what’s the point? Why should I bother? Especially if I try something I know I’m not going to succeed at. Or worse, something I have no intention of succeeding at. In this case, trying and failing will not be superior in any way to not trying at all.

So, what to do? Ignore lent? Well, I’d like to. That would also mean ignoring Matt-Man’s attempts and guilting me into observing lent, which really wouldn’t be that hard to do. But, part of me feels like I should do something, if for no other reason to provide moral support for my partner in crime Mattcicle. Oh and that whole “get closer to God” thing too.

This is where lunch comes in. I’m terrible at lunch. I always end up eating something “bad.” I tend to have hot dogs, cheeseburgers, frozen pizza, breaded chicken patties, Beefaroni … shit like that for lunch. Well, that’s gonna just have to change. For lent I will give up those “bad” things that I have for lunch (including the chips I would have with some of those items). This way I will not only observe lent, but I will use it for good.

Trying to give up Pepsi, and failing, really wouldn’t accomplish a thing. But, if I stop eating unhealthy things at lunch, and replace them with healthier things or at least things not super unhealthy, then I will be doing something positive. It’s fucking brilliant!

So, the great Lent Crisis of 2013 has been avoided.*

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS


*I wrote this post on Wednesday, February 13, 2013, the first day of lent. But, since I had BBQ Pork Sandwich for lunch today, I started lent on the 14th. I checked with Jesus and he’s totally cool with it.

Jesus Is Lord!! Not An Expletive, You Sunzabitches!!

I like to use expletives frequently. I mainly try to use them as a form of emphasis but I must admit, oft times I use them simply to be rude.

Anyhoo, IWS fans…

It is Super Happy Hole-ly Jesus Week ™ here on I’m With Stupid and as we countdown to the resurrection of Jesus, I thought I should cut back or refrain from cussing altogether.

This special holy week, I hope to avoid using any form of the word “fuck”, especially the phrase, “Jesus Fucking Christ.”

It wasn’t just my idea, nooooooo.

Jesus hizzelf told me to try to clean up my language during HIS special week.

He said unto me last night…

“Matt-Man, I love you, but please…try to avoid using such colorful language. If I can do it; you can do it.”

Now for those of you not as intimate with The Lord as I, the “if I can…you can…” line may seem odd.

Well trust me, it’s not.

Ol’ Jeebus may be the Son of God, but in addition to being that and a sarcastic practical joker, the boy used to cuss up a storm.

Damn straight, he did.

He used to call his apostle John a big girlie man and Christ would shout at John in Greek, insults like this...

“John ya big sissy, you are such a Kappa. Upsilon. Nu. Tau.”

He used to refer to Pontius Pilate as a, "mealy mouthed dago pussy."

And referred to Romans in general as, "pasta eating pig fuckers."

I think Jeebus’ Dad finally told him to cool it when he said to an adulteress woman…

“Neither do I condemn you; but go and sin no more, ye of the open legs and bitter herb crotch.”

Jeebus now swears very rarely, however if I happen to mention Joyce Meyer to him, he usually let’s out a…

“Screw that used up, sinning’, cuntmuppet.  She’s been cashin’ in on me and my daddy for years.  Bitch got no scruples.”

Ha. That one always cracks me up, because his face always shrivels up like a rotten bell pepper when he says that.

So anyway…Since it is Super Happy Hole-ly Jesus Week ™, and because Jeebus asked me to, I’ll try to control my bad language…especially as I stated, any phrase that uses HIS name and the F-Word.

However, if I see something funny that may contain some bad, savior bastardizing language such as that, I may falter and post it. But, I’ll try to be strong and refrain from doing so.

I trust that I can stay profanity free lo these last six days…

Oh well, I am doing well on giving up bread for Lent.  Can’t win em’ all.

*Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus* 

Yesterday on the IWS Radio Show, Jayman and I interviewed Dana and Mike.  Dana is 47 and Mike is 27, and let me tell ya, there’s a freaky age inappropriate relationship spilling over with those two.  To get all the juicy, lewd, and lascivious details you can listen in the archives:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

We hope you do...It was actually a good time, and at least the younger of the love struck interviewees seemed to have his head on straight.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmanIWS

Jesus Christ Resurrected and So Am I

I had a bad week last week, and this week was starting off with a stench of a mood as well, however…

When I am in a bad mood or a funk, there are three things to which I retreat, until things improve.

The first source of comfort and equilibrium inducing harmony?

Pictures of Mindy Silvers:

The second?  Bacon…

And the third thing that comforts me, is my love for music.

Yeah, I know…Sometimes I may seem to be a complete Visigoth who has no more appreciation for the arts than Rick Santorum does for a hot, drunk chick who is taking birth control, however...

When I get really low down, I write poetry, polemics, and most of all…music.

And when Easter is but a full moon and two days away, I write music about my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. So let it be written; so let it be done…I have re-crafted a good song for you today.

Ladies and Gentlemen…The Resurrection of Jesus Christ…with Music and a Video.  Say Amen!!

And folks, if that wasn’t enough entertainment for you, Jayman and I did a radio show yesterday…Uh-Huh…none of ya showed for the show, but Jo, but we did it, and it was hilarious.

So if you’d like to listen as we made fun of Romney, Santorum, Paula Deen, and a cast of other stupid people while having a picnic, you can listen here:

                                                                                                       

A nice, pleasant to read, and hear post that is easy on the eyes, as we begin another Daylight Saving Time season.

I personally, and on behalf of IWS, would like to thank the uber-lovely Miss Silvers for agreeing to appear on our website today and being a good, non-uptight person.

Have a great week, and as always…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Matt Said, Jay Said XVII

Matt sgyrsiau, Jay sgyrsiau, You gwrando.

Matt: “Look, Tyra I told you it’s over. You gotta stop calling me.”
Jay: “Wha?”
Matt: “Oh it’s you.”
Jay: “Who did you expect?”
Matt: “Tyra Banks. Every couple of months she calls me begging me to take her back.”
Jay: “Poor Tyra.”
Matt: “I used to feel sorry for her, but she so needy.”
Jay: “Oh man. I hate that.”
Matt: “It’s just part of the struggle that is my life.”
Jay: “It ain’t easy being Matt.”
Matt: “True dat. True dat.”
Jay: “Mmmm-Hmmm”
Matt: “Yup”

Jay: “So how ya doing?”
Matt: “Awful. Just awful.”
Jay: “Awww. That sucks.”
Matt: “Yeah it does. This cold is kicking my ass.”
Jay: “It’s Al Gore’s fault.”
Matt: “How?”
Jay: “He created Global Warming. Warm winter means worse cold & flu season.”
Matt: “That fucking bastard.”
Jay: “I KNOW RIGHT? He totally caused this. I read it on the internet.”
Matt: “Well, I’d like to kick him in the balls.”
Jay: “He deserves it.”

Jay: “How’s the no bread thing going so far.”
Matt: “Not too bad. It’s early still though.”
Jay: “It’ll get old fast though.”
Matt: “True. How’s the walking and stuff going?”
Jay: “Not bad. Shoulders and arms are sore from the weights.”
Matt: “It’ll get better.”
Jay: “Hope so, I can barely type.”
Matt: “Do you listen to the theme from Rocky?”
Jay: “No, I listen to this: *plays “You make me feel like dancing” by Leo Sayer”
Matt: “Ha! Of course. And now I have to play that for Schmoop.”
Jay: “Folow it up with: *plays “Boogie Shoes” K.C & the Sunshine Band.”
Matt: “Okay, stop.”
Jay: “You don’t want to lay down the boogie and play that funky music White Boy?”
Matt: “Not at this time, no.”
Jay: “Okay, I guess.”

Matt: “So, we doing an 80’s Extravaganza this week?”
Jay: “Sounds like a great idea.”
Matt: “The 80’s so ruled.”
Jay: “Totally. Great memories!”
Matt: “Oh yeah. Great music, movies, hell, everything.”
Jay: “Wonderful time to be a live.”
Matt: “It was!”
Jay: “Okay, I’ll be so rad!”
Matt: “Totally awesome!”
Jay: “I’m stoked!”

So there you go. True genius as it happened in real time. More or less. And don’t forget to listen to our “80s Extravaganza” on Saturday at 11 PM ET on I’m With Stupid. It’s gonna be so awesome. Even more so if you’re there.

And, to get you into the mood, here is our Kick Ash Wednesday show that was really pretty freaking fun. We talked Ash Wednesday, Lent, Atheism, Veganism and all kinds of other stuff all while battling colds. We are true professionals and we do it all for YOU! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Lent 2012: Catholics Are Pussies

“He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter.” 

--Ben Franklin

Damn right bitches…

The 18th Century Rock Star who was Ben Franklin, as always, had his electrified kite flying right when he flew that little nugget of home spun ecumenical philosophity into the thunderstorm of religiosity.

Anyhoo…Today is Fat Tuesday, Shrove Tuesday, Pancake Day, or as many know this day…Mardi Gras.

Today marks, especially for ye of the Catholic faith, the prequel to the solemn 46 day period of penitence and self-denial leading up to the celebration of the resurrection of Christ on Easter Sunday, which this year falls on April 8th.

Ha…Seriously?  Solemn?  Penitence?  Self-Denial?  Pffffft…

Just as hard as many a Catholic Priest has gone down on an unsuspecting underage schoolboy, the Catholic Church has simplified and wimpified Lent to the MMth degree.

Back when I was a wee lad and being raised Catholic, Lent meant giving up something which I liked.

It meant sacrifice and self denial in order to figuratively mirror the sacrifice that Christ made as he wandered the desert for forty days prior to beginning his ministry here on Earth.

Today?

The Catholic Church eschews sacrifice during Lent.

Blitzkrieg Benny would rather you did something nice for the poor, the destitute, and those type of folks whom I, and others make fun of everyday, in order to honor Lent and the J-Man’s 40 day trek through an un-Godly desert.

Fuck Vobiscum, that!!

Hell’s Fire…The change in the attitude toward Lent may have been my breaking point between my soul and the Catholic Church.  Okay, maybe not…

My breaking point with the Catholic Church was when I turned 18 and said to myself…

“Mom and Dad can’t do a damn thing to me now other than shake their head at me if I don’t go to Church.”

And so it was, I was no longer going to church…a church like many other churches of like and similar denominations, that attempts to dictate one’s belief system.

Me?

I know the Bible.  I know the Bible as well, if not better, than most evangelists, “prophets”, and born-again nut job self-promoters, like the hideous and doomed to Hell, Joyce Meyer.

And my friends…That is where I seek my solace at times.  Even if I didn’t believe in God or Jesus Christ, I would still read the Bible because it is a philosophical roadmap to the destination of being a good person.

But remember…It is a roadmap that while, “from the voice of God and Jesus Christ” is one that has been edited by man.  Or in the case of the Catholic Church…by men.

I find it funny that while the words of Christ and his Apostles have remained constant forever, church dogma sways, it shifts…it redirects.

It started changing the words of Christ some years ago at Nicene, and has always evolved or more accurately, devolved, to meet its own needs.

The Church kept the books of Thomas the Contender and Mary Magdalene out of the Bible.  Pope Gregory made Mary Magdalene out to be a whore.  The Church sought money in exchange for Penance.

That arrogant and hierarchical attitude exists still today in many Churches, and yet…

While not a Catholic for years, nor a member of any organized church, I will observe Lent by giving up something I love.

This year, as I have in the past, give up bread, pasta, and most other carbohydrate type foods.

That alone, won’t win me a place in Heaven, but it will make me feel that I, have done something that is typically beyond me.

And dig it…

I, unlike Catholics who are allowed Sundays off during their sacrifice that they are no longer required to give, will do it on Sundays as well.

Pussies.

Cheers, 

Matt-Man

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws