Oscars Fashion Report with Bonnie & Clyde

Hola y’all! Bonnie Boner and Clyde S. Dale are here for IWS with the only Oscars Fashion Report you’ll need. They’re gonna talk about who looked great and not so great on Hollywood’s biggest night.

Bonnie: Thanks so much to the guys at IWS for asking us to do the Fashion Report! We’re soooo excited, right Clyde?
Clyde: OHHH ….. MYGOD! This is the most exciting thing that has happened to me since I saw Lance Bass doing the walk of shame outside of my West Village apartment at 7 am one Sunday morning!
Bonnie: Okay, we should get started. I’M SO EXCIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITED!
Clyde: Honey, you need to calm down! Although, it is nice to see you living up to your last name.

First up: Anne Hathaway…

Bonnie: I really do love Anne. I mean, she’s a truly gifted actress and a really great human being. I know that because she’s told me that she’s both of those things over and over and over. And, judging by this picture she’s happy to see me! It’s okay though I’ve seen her boobs more times than I’ve seen my own. We get it Anne, you’ve got great boobs. Thanks.

Clyde: Girl, we need to head up to San Quentin and find some guys who are in prison for a gang rape and have them hold her down and force feed her a cheeseburger. And what’s with the hair? Seriously Anne, even Daniel Day Lewis didn’t stay in character all the way to the Oscars. Let the hair grow out again and stop barfing up your dinner.

Next we have Jennifer Aniston…

Bonnie: Well, it certainly was a surprise to see Jen there. I mean, we know she isn’t there because she was nominated for anything. I guess they just took pity on her and offered to let her present. Hollywood is so full of caring people like that.

Clyde: It is, Bonnie and you’d think she would pay her friends who got her into this back by actually dressing up and at least pretending to enjoy the event. I get that she’s depressed that she’s about that age where in a few years she will have to buy a ticket, but that’s no reason to be such a sourpuss.

Okay, now we’ve got Octavia Spencer…

Bonnie: Oh dear. Well, look, Octavia is a very nice person, I met her once when I accidentally thought she was clearing tables and washing dishes at Chateau Marmot one night. It was an honest mistake.

Clyde: Yeah, and we know who was eating all of Anne Hathaway’s leftovers too! And the desserts! Hey-OOOOOOOOO!

And real quick, last one in this segment is Heidi Klum…

Bonnie: Wow! You know, I’m not saying that Heidi doesn’t look good for someone so … well, someone her age, but is it really necessary to be hanging out all over the place? God, we’ve seen those things enough anyway. And, quit pretending that they’re still naturally that firm and perky!

Clyde: IKNOWRITE? Girl, if you took those implants out and burned them that silicone would create so much white smoke they would see it all the way in Rome and think they found a new Pope already. Besides, it’s not like Heidi is actually an actress or anything like that. There’s just no reason to show up at a party to celebrate a group you’re not a part of dressed like you’re ready to sample some sausages in the back after the show Fräulein.

Okay, that’s it for the first segment of today’s Fashion Report on IWS. Be sure to stay with us through the break because when we come back we’re gonna answer the question “Which will Kristen Stewart do first? Sober up, or shower?” Also, later in the show we’ll have female bloggers from various feminist sites on to dish more fashion AND talk about what a mean, hateful, sexist, racist and misogynist jerk Seth MacFarlane is. You don’t want to miss that!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Also, be sure to join us for I Love My Khuntry on I'm With Stupid as we talk about all the hoopla and over the top fake outrage and anger over this year's Oscars as well as other big news of the week at 11 AM ET! 

Christians of Convenience

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads…

We are already a full week into Lent and before you know it, many will be celebrating the fact that Jesus dangled from a cross, got stuffed into a cave, and then a couple days later walked back out in order to roam the Earth for awhile, pick up some Chinese food, and then head up the astral staircase to lounge about with his dad for all eternity.

What a great time to be a Christian!!

Of course…anytime is a great time to be a Christian, well…provided it doesn’t interfere with one’s personal moral compass, or their bigotry, or their intolerance, or…their whoring, their judging, their hypocrisy, their…well, you get the picture.

Yes indeed, even more so than at Christmas, during the Easter season there are Christians, Christians all around, yet not a drop of grace to drink.

Certainly, there are plenty of people who call themselves Christians and proudly sashay down the runway of pretentiousness draped in bejeweled trappings of haughtiness and a tiara or top hat of arrogance, acting as though they had just been named Mr./Miss Jesus Christ is Lord 2013, but…

Beneath the saintly veneer of these self-regaling righteous ones, exists the anti-soul of the Devil, and persons who have no time for beatitudinal details.

Take my neighbor, Little Jimmy Stewart for instance…Claims to be a devout Catholic…a devout Christian. Believes in in God, guns, and his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Hell, he reminds me of Lt. Kendrick in A Few Good Men, albeit an out of shape Lt. Kendrick.

Seriously, ol’ Jimmy thinks of himself as a follower of Christ, so much that, he has scorned and chastised me for often using Christ as a comedy tool. “That’s not funny. You make fun of Jesus, and you are going to Hell.”

Two things about that…First of all, Jimmy boy has no sense of humor, because like it or not, using the purity and sanctity of Jesus and twisting it into something gross, sexual, and/or amoral is fucking funny, and secondly?

People like Jim, and there are plenty, shouldn’t tell me how offensive I am being by making Jesus jokes when their Facebook pages are littered with nothing but bigoted posts, anti-gay posts, Obama is a non-citizen nigger posts, and holding weenie roasts/Quran burnings like Jim did a couple of 9/11’s ago.

Hypocrisy I tellz ya…Hypocrisy in its basest and most definable form, and the pity is, most of them never see it, because, Jesus loves them this they know for their ignorance tells them so.

Hell I know a couple of women, one in particular.  She has the perfect family, the perfect marriage, goes to church religiously, and scorns me for not going to Church and like Jim, berates me for having some occasional comedic fun with the Holy Baby Jeebus. She too, has in the past, told me that I am going to Hell.

She’s really amazing because let me tell you, between her sinful vanity sessions of having her capped teeth cleaned, her manufactured tits adjusted, and giving blow jobs to the barber across town who is not her husband, I have no idea how the hell she has any time left in the day to judge me!!  But by golly, I guess the Lord gives her 25 hours in a day because…She’s a Christian!!

Uuch…

Listen folks.  It’s fine to call oneself a Christian.  I do, however…I admit my mistakes, my failings, my transgressions, and more often that not, publicly.  On Facebook.  Or on the air.  Or on here. Sometimes to Jayman’s chagrin…Anyhoo…

Here’s my Lenten message to all of you self-proclaimed Christians who rationalize your shortcomings and eat from the body of Christ ala carte…

Quit being such phony fucks.  There is no shame in failing as a human being and sinning here and there, but to pretend that you don’t, that is the greatest sin of all, because when you do that, you never seek forgiveness, and more importantly, you never change your ways.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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