You've Never Been Touched Until You've Been Groped By a Left-Handed Person

Cheeeeeers and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

First of all, I want to thank those of you who listen to the IWS Radio Show on Sundays from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio or catch it later in the archives.  The last few shows have done really well and we appreciate your taking the time to listen.

Secondly, I’d like to talk about an affliction that curses some 11% percent of our nation’s population.  For those of us, such as yours truly who are cursed with it, it can be truly annoying.

This affliction makes life extremely more difficult…makes the simplest tasks unnerving…and is a condition that up until 30 years or so ago was so sinister, that Catholic nuns through tensile strength of a plastic ruler and the grace of God would try to beat it out of those who suffered from it.

I am of course, talking about the infirmity of being left-handed.

Tomorrow is World Lefthanders Day, and dammit, I want to raise awareness (whatever that means or does) about the trials and tribulations that we left-handed folks such as Demi Moore and myself face and have faced throughout life.

Remember the spiral notebooks we had to use in school back in the day?  The spiral is on the left God Damn side, and would cut an imprint like a bitch into a lefty’s arm during one 100 word or less 4th grade short story writing assignment.  Fuck Mrs. Parrish.  Bitch had it in for me from day one of 4th grade.

Did you have to endure the crying and humiliation of having a hard time learning to tie your shoes because your were a lefty being taught by a person from the right-handed world?  To this day, I remember bawling on the floor prior to Kindergarten starting because I couldn’t get the shoe tying thing RIGHT!!  Oh the Humanity!!

My late brother John?  He went to Catholic schools back in the 50’s and 60’s.  Catholics were still big into Latin back then, and a Latin derivative of sinister or evil, meant being left handed.

When the Sisters of Charity and Happiness saw that he wrote with is left hand, they beat the Hell out of it until his unholy hand was no longer able to pen the words of the Devil.

Ironically, as he then had to write with his right hand, his penmanship looked like claw marks and chicken scratches WRITTEN BY THE DEVIL!!

Why can’t we all just get along?  Can’t you right-handed people accept people like me and Lisa Kudrow for our left-handedness?

Why do there have to be impediments to our lifestyle and congenital disease that leave us sitting alone on the outside of a booth at a restaurant?

Anyhoo…Tomorrow August 13th…Find a left-handed person, go up to him or her and not only say, "I am with you", but give them a peck on the cheek as well, and…make sure to do so by approaching me…or him or her from the right so I …er him or her, can give you a big left-handed grope while you do so.

!!sreehC

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Twitter Me
Will You Be My Friend on Facebook 

A Posthumous Birthday Shout-Out to Brother Vinnie

Cheeeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy October 1st to you all.

October 1st is a HUGE day for a few reasons…

First of all, October 1st is World Vegetarian Day.

Sickly and pasty white vegetarians around the world will be celebrating their healthy and respectful lifestyles by lacklusterly patting each other on the back, sharing a bean sprout or two, and sneezing on one and other.

Here’s to you, you meatless and emaciated mo-foes; I’ll be thinking of you as I eat a BLT sandwich with a side of corned beef hash.  Enjoy your purity!!

Secondly…

Today is Unification Day in Cameroon.  Cameroon is the France of west central Africa (I guess), and they will be partying and unifying it up today.  Hey all you Cameroonians…Tell President Paul Biya that Matt-Man said, “Hiya.”

Thirdly and/or tertiarily (which is a word now, so shut up) whichever you prefer, today holds a very special place in my heart.

Today, October 1, 2013 would have been my brother Vince’s 60th birthday, but…he didn’t live to see it, yet nonetheless, I am going to celebrate it.

Vinnie, as most of us called him, was ultimately, surprisingly, and with alacrity, stricken down by cancer back on June 10th of this year.

It was very sad, because in addition to it being relatively out of the blue, the world lost a man who was incredibly funny, annoying, kind, and a perpetual surprise.

He was a man who was full of all sorts of manifestations of OCD which rendered his gutters without a drop of rain nor a single leaf contained within, and yet…out of the blue, he would call a person with a funny story and/or send a gift to someone.

Around the Greater Bagwine, Ohio area, his mullet is legendary.

His blondish red hair with the consistency of hot August straw which receded from his forehead and draped down his sleight back, was a testament to a bygone era, and both a challenge and a big fuck you to Billy Ray Cyrus.

Vinnie was the epitome of an Irish-German mix.  During the week, in stoic and methodical German manner, he would work 18 hours a day, 52 weeks week of the year if need be.  But on the weekends?

The spirits of St. Brendan, Brian Boru, and Oscar Wilde would take over his body and soul, and his inner-Hibernian would do a Celtic dance all over town.

On Friday and Saturday he would talk to every woman in the bar or at the party.  He would almost always do something “too spontaneous”, and then…

Sunday morning he would go to mass at St. Raphael’s either by himself or with a widowed 80+ year old friend of the family prior to taking her to breakfast.

Although Vinnie never had a family of his own per se, he was a family man to the core.  From his eight brothers and sisters down to the most obscure of cousins.  He loved his family.

And…He loved people in general.  It can be said of Vinnie, “He never met a stranger.”

That was so true in his case, because if you approached him, or he approached you without ever meeting before…he’d talk to you, listen to you, and if it was a Friday or Saturday night, he’d buy you a beer.

So…Happy 60th Birthday to my brother Vince.  He may have been a handful at times, but he is now resting in hands that are big enough, and worthy enough to hold him.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

MSJS...A.D. 2013

Matt O’Speaks…Jay O’Speaks…You, O’Lis…

Stop It!!  Stop It!!…You tandem of secular, Baby Jesus hating sunzabitches!!  William Donahue, President of the Catholic League here, and I am going to put a stop to your sacrilegious shenanigans, and your Christphobic phhhhhhornication of the Holy Spirit.

It’s my turn to speak, and I am speaking on behalf of the 1.2 Billion Catholics, and by proxy, speaking on behalf of the billions of less holy, non-Catholic “Christians.”

Do you two Goddam nut jobs have anywhere close to that number of followers?  Hell no you don’t…you…you, rage against the Deus ex Machina bastards.

I saw your post about His Holiness Pope Francis I on Thursday, and to wanted smack you upside your simple and symbiotic heads with a bag full of hot nickels and piss Holy Water all over you twos.  And now…

I find out that you twos freakin’ amoral sunzabitches have scheduled a two hour long Blog Talk Radio Show on St. Patrick’s Day, this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET!!

WTF?  Only having forty-five minutes of bashing Jesus of Nazarene hasn’t been enough for you?

Oh yeah, I also read on your BTR promo where this Sunday’s is going to be a good time as you “celebrate” the venerable St. Patrick, but I know what is truly going to come out of the bowels of you twos during those two hours…

Heresy!!

You’ll make fun of stroke victims like Kirk Douglas, have some gay guy named Joshua give a report from the Babylon that is Hollywood.  You’ll mock Pope Francis I, make fun of Catholics and the Papacy, and knowing you guys, you’ll trash the likes of fine Christians like Dick Morris…Heathens!!

What else will you be airing funny boys?  Poetry from that patch on his elbows wearing Paul Piatt?  Is Matt-Man gonna sing off key again?  Is Slyder Balzcock gonna report on the All-Ireland Hurling finals and turn it into something dirty?

Oh, you two are a load…A load of anti-Messianic HATE!!

Hell at least the goddamn Jews and Romans only killed Christ once, you twos seem to do it every goddamn day!!  If I were Christ, and I think I am, I would rather spend two hours bleeding on the cross rather than listening to you twos IWS Radio Show this St. Patrick’s Day from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

I’m not going to listen to your show this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET, but I want everyone else to listen, and you know why?

I want them to discover what virulent, God-Hating, Anti-Christ Loving joke tellers you are.  I want them to see and hear the truth about you twos.

So my flock…In case you missed the obvious links in this post about these twos, you can catch their show Sunday the 17th from Noon-2 PM ET by clicking HERE.

Damn their souls…Damn Them!!

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,

Bill Donahue

An Old Spic? Really?

Cheeeeeers Bitches and to Catholics all around the world…Happy Popepapalooza!!

Seems that yesterday, the gaudily dressed gaggle of Eucharist eating pedophiles from across the globe conclaved and elected a new leader of the Roman Catholic Church.

Well, Praise Jeebus, settle with me out of court, and hand me the gag order concerning your abuse, that’s wonderful!!

Anyhoo…

The new Pope is 76 year old Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, the Archbishop of Buenos Aires, Argentina, and Mr. Bergoglio, has chosen Pope Francis I as his papal name.

Uh-huh…how clever.

Francis?  Really?  That’s gay.  Oh wait?  Was that one of the requirements…being gay?  Hell, I am clueless, because I wasn’t in the room with all of those sweaty, incense sniffing, drenched in Holy Oil, robe wearing men.  I have to plead ignorance on that.

I think I know why Pope Whore-Hey picked the name Francis…He’s from Argentina…Y’know, South America.  And dig it…

Do you remember those old b/w movies starring Donald O’Connor and Francis the Talking Mule?

Well my friends, Pope Francis I from South America is a talking mule as well.  A talking DRUG MULE!!

Connect the dots as I have folks…Bergoglio’s (if that’s his REAL name) parents came to Argentina from Italy.  Y’know…Syndicate City.  Francis has drug trading Mafioso written all over his tano face.

Look it…When the white smoke came out of the Vatican chimney, it wasn’t really white smoke…it was pure, unadulterated, Argentine BLOW, Bitches!!

Oh Hell yeah, the Catholic Church is piping in coke on the Buenos Aires to Rome Popemobile as we speak. Child rape settlements don’t settle cheaply my friends, but Francis has the connections to make them all go away in a supernatural and fiduciarily pleasing way.  Amen!!

Annnnnd…Ol’ Pope Francis better make his Godly and virginal voodoo work quickly because he is no spring chicken.  The bastard is 76.  Guess we can expect another conclave in four years, amirite!?  Hell electing a Pope is gonna become like the Olympics!!

Every four years, gay, juiced up Catholic theologians will gather into the venue of shame and denial and elect a “venerable” man who is less shameful and in denial as the rest of them.

As a former Catholic, I ask myself at times…

“Where the Hell is the first Pope, St. Peter, when you need him?”  And then I realize…

Peter is in the ass of some innocent kid in the silent and cloistered vestibule of a Catholic Church.

And what I find ironic?

Never ever, should an elected Pope ever choose their Papal name to be Pope Peter or Pope Innocent.

Well…okay maybe they should, because that would be fucking funny…and sad.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

IWS Radio and You...A Premium Blend

Cheers Chuckleheads and Happy Hump Day!!

Today, I could have written about the passing of Venezuelan not-so-strong man, Hugo Chavez, but…eh, he’s practically been dead for months now, so what’s the point?

And more so, Chavez was a freely elected dictator who has driven an oil rich country into financial ruin, so why bother?  Well…he was unintentionally funny, if you didn’t live in Venezuela, but m’eh.

I could have written about how our President, Barack Hussein Obama (Socialist-Kenya), has callously and cruelly crushed our free enterprise system so badly that…….the Dow Jones hit a new record high yesterday.

But what’s the point?  We all know he has been waiting for the big time Wall Street type companies to hit record profit levels before he, with the stroke of a pen…NATIONALIZES them, IMMEDIATELY!!

Or I could have written about PedophilePalooza MMXIII, as the College of Cardinals gather this week in Rome in order to elect a new Dope Pope.

But eh…What’s new about Catholic priests getting together over beers and discussing their altar boy stories about the “big (taut) one” that got away?

So…Ima gonna talk about today’s IWS radio show, but not too much.

Today LIVE at 11 AM ET Jay and I are going to discuss success.  The aromas of success.  The challenges of success.  The groupies that hopefully come along with success.

IWS Radio is now a Premium show on Blog Talk Radio and let me tell me tell ya…that doesn’t come cheap.

We are going to discuss how it happened.  What powers have been laid before us now that it has happened, and…what we will do with said powers.

Annnnnnnnd my dear friends…I may have an uber-special Birthday surprise for Mister Jayman who will be turning 45 on Thursday.

So join us LIVE today at 11 AM ET on Blog Talk Radio by clicking HERE.

We will be live streaming for an hour with no cut-off, so call-in as well at 661.244.9852, and let us know what you would like to hear from us in the near future with our expanded platform, and/or just to wish Jayman a very Happy Birthday.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Christians of Convenience

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads…

We are already a full week into Lent and before you know it, many will be celebrating the fact that Jesus dangled from a cross, got stuffed into a cave, and then a couple days later walked back out in order to roam the Earth for awhile, pick up some Chinese food, and then head up the astral staircase to lounge about with his dad for all eternity.

What a great time to be a Christian!!

Of course…anytime is a great time to be a Christian, well…provided it doesn’t interfere with one’s personal moral compass, or their bigotry, or their intolerance, or…their whoring, their judging, their hypocrisy, their…well, you get the picture.

Yes indeed, even more so than at Christmas, during the Easter season there are Christians, Christians all around, yet not a drop of grace to drink.

Certainly, there are plenty of people who call themselves Christians and proudly sashay down the runway of pretentiousness draped in bejeweled trappings of haughtiness and a tiara or top hat of arrogance, acting as though they had just been named Mr./Miss Jesus Christ is Lord 2013, but…

Beneath the saintly veneer of these self-regaling righteous ones, exists the anti-soul of the Devil, and persons who have no time for beatitudinal details.

Take my neighbor, Little Jimmy Stewart for instance…Claims to be a devout Catholic…a devout Christian. Believes in in God, guns, and his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Hell, he reminds me of Lt. Kendrick in A Few Good Men, albeit an out of shape Lt. Kendrick.

Seriously, ol’ Jimmy thinks of himself as a follower of Christ, so much that, he has scorned and chastised me for often using Christ as a comedy tool. “That’s not funny. You make fun of Jesus, and you are going to Hell.”

Two things about that…First of all, Jimmy boy has no sense of humor, because like it or not, using the purity and sanctity of Jesus and twisting it into something gross, sexual, and/or amoral is fucking funny, and secondly?

People like Jim, and there are plenty, shouldn’t tell me how offensive I am being by making Jesus jokes when their Facebook pages are littered with nothing but bigoted posts, anti-gay posts, Obama is a non-citizen nigger posts, and holding weenie roasts/Quran burnings like Jim did a couple of 9/11’s ago.

Hypocrisy I tellz ya…Hypocrisy in its basest and most definable form, and the pity is, most of them never see it, because, Jesus loves them this they know for their ignorance tells them so.

Hell I know a couple of women, one in particular.  She has the perfect family, the perfect marriage, goes to church religiously, and scorns me for not going to Church and like Jim, berates me for having some occasional comedic fun with the Holy Baby Jeebus. She too, has in the past, told me that I am going to Hell.

She’s really amazing because let me tell you, between her sinful vanity sessions of having her capped teeth cleaned, her manufactured tits adjusted, and giving blow jobs to the barber across town who is not her husband, I have no idea how the hell she has any time left in the day to judge me!!  But by golly, I guess the Lord gives her 25 hours in a day because…She’s a Christian!!

Uuch…

Listen folks.  It’s fine to call oneself a Christian.  I do, however…I admit my mistakes, my failings, my transgressions, and more often that not, publicly.  On Facebook.  Or on the air.  Or on here. Sometimes to Jayman’s chagrin…Anyhoo…

Here’s my Lenten message to all of you self-proclaimed Christians who rationalize your shortcomings and eat from the body of Christ ala carte…

Quit being such phony fucks.  There is no shame in failing as a human being and sinning here and there, but to pretend that you don’t, that is the greatest sin of all, because when you do that, you never seek forgiveness, and more importantly, you never change your ways.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
.

Breaking News: Matt & Jay Excommunicated

This is an IWS World Media Special Report: Matt-Man and Jayman Excommunicated from the Catholic Church. We received this from our special correspondent, Matt-Man’s brother Denny, who is said to be “tight” with the Pope…

VATICAN CITY – In one of his last decrees before stepping down, Pope Benedict XVI today announced that he has excommunicated “I’m With Stupid’’ blog creators Matt Man and Jayman.

“These evil souls will rot in the eternal fires of hell for their continued blaspheme not only of the one and only true Catholic God out there, but also against the one true God’s voice on earth – me,’’ the pope said in a statement. “They must pay for their sins, and what better way to do that than to bar them from all the benefits the church, such feasting on tasty bread and sweet wine each week.’’

Benedict, who reportedly is stepping down to spend more time with his very close longtime confidant Rev. Fritz von Goering, said Matt Man and Jayman are “the embodiment of Western civilization’s decline into heresy and hedonism.  I must make them an example of what happens to all those who spit in the eye of God and the Vatican. I can only hope that this drastic action I am taking will cause them to pause to reflect on behavior that can only be classified as ‘ungodly and uber fucking disgraceful.’  May almighty God (praise be upon him) have mercy on their putrid souls.’’

Happy St. Patrick's Day from IWS

Being primarily of Irish heritage, tomorrow will offer me the opportunity to celebrate my roots and make fun of all things British, and as I am working all day and into the might, make fun of all of the drunken revelers who pass through the Beer Mine.

What a great story St. Patrick's Day offers.

Centuries ago, Irish raiders kidnapped a young fellow (the soon to be St. Patrick) who resided in Roman Britain.

He escaped backed to Britain six years later and went on to become a bishop.

In order to exact his revenge, Patrick returned to Ireland and converted the drunken, filthy pagans into drunken, filthy Christians and most became Catholic.

Oh sure, St. P-Dawg could have retaliated by killing his kidnappers, but he knew that converting people to Catholicism was a much more painful form of punishment.

The thing I find most fascinating about St. Patrick is that he was born in Roman occupied Britain.

That means there’s a possibility that he was Roman, which means he may have been Italian.

That’s what’s so damn funny.

Can you believe that an entire country of shit-faced, pugilistic Micks was converted by a Dago and some kind of fight didn’t break out?

Fortunately, there was no violence, and Ireland has, of course, been violence free ever since.

That indeed is a story worth celebrating every year…and how do we celebrate the saintly feats of St. Patrick?

By getting sloshed out of our gourds and mangling the lyrics to “When Irish Eyes are Smiling”, that’s how.

But do not fret; everyone else is mangling them too, so it all blends together.

We also wear green.

Green shirts…Green garters…Green hats. We even wear green faces after consuming our sixth pitcher of Green beer, as the ladies all start to look like the lead singer of The Cranberries.

Of course what would the big day be without enjoying that delicious Irish cuisine!? Boiled potatoes, soda bread, and corned beef…as sexy as food gets.

Some bars and taverns may go that extra step and dish out bowls of beef broth and pink slime and pass it off as Irish Stew. You can bet that it will be made by Dinty O’Moore preparing it with his dirty hands as the ashes fall from his O’Marlboro.

But…That’s all part of the fun of St. Patrick’s Day.  Happy people in forty shades of green, getting drunk, mis-mangling song lyrics, eating bad food and getting in to fights prior to having sex with a stranger that would never have sex with on any other day of the year.

Of course when all is said and done and the next morning rolls around, your head will feel as though you were beaten by a dozen members of the Ulster Defence Association.

But hey, that’s all part of being Irish.

Erin Go Braugh and Slainte!!

Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Matt Said, Jay Said XVIII

Matt talar; Jay talar…You, lyssna.

Matt:  Booooooquet residence, lady of the house speaking.
Jay:  Gawd…You so sound like a Sheridan.
Matt:  Hey, I still have a cold; show me some love.
Jay.  Sure…Love , love, love...God...  Happy now, ya sick fuck?
Matt:  Your lumbago is acting up, isn’t it?
Jay:  I’ll be fine.

Matt:  So, now that I have turned off Herman Cain on the radio for you and only you, what’s up?
Jay:  Since we are moving to Sundays at Noon Eastern this Sunday, we need to make a splash.
Matt:  Not only a splash, a sacramental splash!!
Jay:  We could do a church service of some sort, with dancing girls and all that.
Matt:  Or in the case of the Catholics, dancing boys.
Jay:  You were molested as an altar boy weren’t you?
Matt:  Maybe.

Jay:  Why don’t we skip that, and talk about how awful organized religion is?
Matt:  You don’t like organized religion?
Jay:  Hell no…I grew up Methodist.  A service of a song or two, a sermon, and then a plea for money.  So fucking boring… At least throw in some descriptive, dirty talk about how evil having sex is.
Matt:  You’re going to Hell…wait a---

Matt:  hack hack hack hack

Jay:  I bet you get to Hell long before me, “Coughing Up a Lung Boy.”

Matt:  Cute...Anyhoo, if we do a churc-----

click click click click

Matt:  You’re typing and not paying attention at all to what I am saying.
Jay:  Noooooooo, that was me clicking my pen…no, seriously.
Matt:  Okay then, we coul--
Jay:  Ooooooo, Warrior Kat just tweeted me.
Matt:  Jeeeeesus….Jo’s post was awesome.
Jay:  Oh Hell yeahhhh….Of course, Jo could have simply posted the alphabet and it would have been hot.
Matt:  And just think if she had posted the Cyrillic alphabet?
Jay:  Awwww man, that would have made me an Ottomaniac!!

Matt:  So Sunday at Noon, if it doesn’t snow, we’ll do a show on organized religion and why it sucks..?
Jay:  Amen to dat!!
Matt:  Praise Jeebus and pass the BTR.  And we coul--

click click click click

Matt:  Nevermind.  Talk to ya soonly.
Jay:  Will do…Hey did you know that if you stacked (name deleted), (name deleted), and (name deleted) on top of each other, that they would make up a man of average height?
Matt:  I love you.

click click click click

Jay:  I love too, Mom.

Matt:  I think we're ready.
Jay:  Damn right.
Matt:  Word...

click click click click

Make sure to catch Jayman and Matt-Man at their new weekend time, Sunday at High Noon ET.  Itsa gunna be a hoot!!

February Blows!!

February is perhaps the lousiest month contained within our dodecagonical timepiece we call, the calendar.

It sucks, or rather…it blooooooows.

Blows like a mutha.

February is windy.  It’s cold.  It’s gray and dull.

Windier than Chris Matthews…colder than the frozen tundra that exists between the thighs of Sarah Palin…grayer and more dull than Mitt Romney’s personality.

Other than the 7th which marks the birthday celebrations of two of the hippest people on earth, Chris Rock and yours truly, February is a life sucking, flat lining, twenty-eight day wasteland.

February has no soul, which is odd because it is also Black History Month.  You would think that a month devoted to the overblown, yet minor contributions to this nation by our black American friends would be a month that is dripping in soul.

Y’know?  A month like August.

Black History Month would be much mo’ better within the confines of August what with all the hot, steamy, days and humid, sultry nights.

With all that humidity n’ what not, we could not only talk about the contributions of black people in America, we could smell the dripping Jeri-Curl shit from off their collective ‘do while doing so.

If we held Black History Month in August, while I would still be subjected to watching Roots, The Medgar Evers Story, and reruns of Rerun from What’s Happening, the month-long torture would take place while enjoying some refreshing central air conditioning, and a burger fresh off the grill.

Seriously…If Black History Month wants to gain a foot hold among real Americans, i.e., WHITE Americans, I have a suggestion.

Anytime a TV station or network runs one of those silly, feel good, ten second long, Moments in Black History things…they could instead, simply put up a picture of MSNBC's Tamron Hall.

Like this one…

Or this one…

Yeah, if Tamron Hall was the Poster Vixen for Black History Month, February would be able to segregate itself from the rest of the months in spite of its otherwise dreariness, and ride in the front of the chronological bus to the mountain top of calendrical emancipation…

Mmmmmm, but?

February still sucks. It’s still windy, cold, gray, and dull.

At least this God-Awful month has but twenty-eight days, and today is the last one we shall see this year.

And for that, I am thankf---

Well, strip me naked and call me Ned Beatty…Beat me hard with a dildo and call me Sally…Call me Mitch Daniels and tell me not to run for President.

Matt-Man has just discovered that this year is a Leap Year, and we have an extra day in February…How typical.

Pope Gregory XIII wasn’t very gregarious when he invented his God Damn Gregorian Calendar!!  Just like when I was a neophyte altar boy lo those many years ago, the Catholics have screwed me again!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Lent 2012: Catholics Are Pussies

“He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter.” 

--Ben Franklin

Damn right bitches…

The 18th Century Rock Star who was Ben Franklin, as always, had his electrified kite flying right when he flew that little nugget of home spun ecumenical philosophity into the thunderstorm of religiosity.

Anyhoo…Today is Fat Tuesday, Shrove Tuesday, Pancake Day, or as many know this day…Mardi Gras.

Today marks, especially for ye of the Catholic faith, the prequel to the solemn 46 day period of penitence and self-denial leading up to the celebration of the resurrection of Christ on Easter Sunday, which this year falls on April 8th.

Ha…Seriously?  Solemn?  Penitence?  Self-Denial?  Pffffft…

Just as hard as many a Catholic Priest has gone down on an unsuspecting underage schoolboy, the Catholic Church has simplified and wimpified Lent to the MMth degree.

Back when I was a wee lad and being raised Catholic, Lent meant giving up something which I liked.

It meant sacrifice and self denial in order to figuratively mirror the sacrifice that Christ made as he wandered the desert for forty days prior to beginning his ministry here on Earth.

Today?

The Catholic Church eschews sacrifice during Lent.

Blitzkrieg Benny would rather you did something nice for the poor, the destitute, and those type of folks whom I, and others make fun of everyday, in order to honor Lent and the J-Man’s 40 day trek through an un-Godly desert.

Fuck Vobiscum, that!!

Hell’s Fire…The change in the attitude toward Lent may have been my breaking point between my soul and the Catholic Church.  Okay, maybe not…

My breaking point with the Catholic Church was when I turned 18 and said to myself…

“Mom and Dad can’t do a damn thing to me now other than shake their head at me if I don’t go to Church.”

And so it was, I was no longer going to church…a church like many other churches of like and similar denominations, that attempts to dictate one’s belief system.

Me?

I know the Bible.  I know the Bible as well, if not better, than most evangelists, “prophets”, and born-again nut job self-promoters, like the hideous and doomed to Hell, Joyce Meyer.

And my friends…That is where I seek my solace at times.  Even if I didn’t believe in God or Jesus Christ, I would still read the Bible because it is a philosophical roadmap to the destination of being a good person.

But remember…It is a roadmap that while, “from the voice of God and Jesus Christ” is one that has been edited by man.  Or in the case of the Catholic Church…by men.

I find it funny that while the words of Christ and his Apostles have remained constant forever, church dogma sways, it shifts…it redirects.

It started changing the words of Christ some years ago at Nicene, and has always evolved or more accurately, devolved, to meet its own needs.

The Church kept the books of Thomas the Contender and Mary Magdalene out of the Bible.  Pope Gregory made Mary Magdalene out to be a whore.  The Church sought money in exchange for Penance.

That arrogant and hierarchical attitude exists still today in many Churches, and yet…

While not a Catholic for years, nor a member of any organized church, I will observe Lent by giving up something I love.

This year, as I have in the past, give up bread, pasta, and most other carbohydrate type foods.

That alone, won’t win me a place in Heaven, but it will make me feel that I, have done something that is typically beyond me.

And dig it…

I, unlike Catholics who are allowed Sundays off during their sacrifice that they are no longer required to give, will do it on Sundays as well.

Pussies.

Cheers, 

Matt-Man

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Vote NO on Issue 2 in Ohio, 'Cause if you Don't, Gov. Kasich is Going to Sing!!

Today I am discussing Issue 2 which is on the ballot today in Ohio.  A No vote on Issue 2 will repeal Senate Bill 5 which was passed in Ohio recently and severely limits the collective bargaining rights of public employees in Ohio.

I am voting No on Issue 2 and will tell you why, but as a matter of full disclosure, I feel it necessary to tell you that I am a former Ohio public employee and a former staff rep for SEIU.

Anyway…

What follows, is why I think Ohioans should vote No on Issue 2, thus repealing SB 5, and its raping of collective bargaining rights of public employees in Ohio.

Our Governor, John Kasich, the man behind this anti-union bill and proponent of the Issue 2 YES campaign that keeps SB 5 as law, is a MASSIVE dickhead.

Oh sure, you’re saying to yourselves…

“Matt-Man is merely re-living his Union days and thinks Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead because of his kinship with public employees.”

Not true…

Sure I have historical ties to public employee unions, but I am first and foremost a reporter of the truth and would never call Gov. Kasich a MASSIVE dickhead without confirmation or corroboration, so…

On Twitter Monday night, I asked my friend, cohort, and fellow “man beyond reproach”, Jayman, what HE thought of Gov. Kasich...

Jayman responded, and I quote…

“Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead who actually has a teeny-weenie wee-wee.”

See? Jayman doesn’t even live in Ohio and he knows of Kasich’s MASSIVE dickheadedness. It’s not just the choir singin’ here folks.

Although, if there was a choir singing, Kasich would probably be in it. I hear he likes show tunes and the such.

I’m not saying he’s gay or anything, but during his 1996 reelection campaign for his congressional seat, his opponent, Cynthia Ruccia implied that he was gay by asking questions as to why Kasich shared his D.C. digs with his well-paid male chief-of staff for several years. Uh-huh…

I am not into tawdry speculation of that nature, but I must tell you, I recently had a dream that John Kasich was having sex with Marcus Bachmann, and….enjoying every minute of it.

In my forty-six years of sleeping, once in awhile my dreams have proven to be true, so…I can’t completely discount the notion that Kasich may be gay, especially since he and his first wife, Mary Lee, divorced “amicably”.

How many non-gay men have an amicable divorce? IKR? And listen…

Not to add grist to the rumor mill, but I heard that the divorce was amicable because after Kasich cried like a little schoolgirl, his soon to be ex wife Mary Lee, relented and let him keep half of her clothes.

And not that this could have anything to do with him being gay, or not, but…he was raised Catholic, and you know what they say…

“Once you go Franciscan, you'll never go straight agin’.”

Although I will say, after his parents were killed in a car crash he turned to evangelical Christianity. I guess he blamed the Pope.

Anyway…

I hope I have shed some light upon why SB 5 is a bad bill and why for the following reasons, it should be repealed by voting No on Issue 2…

John Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead, who may or may not be gay, and in my dreams has had sex with Michele Bachmann’s husband, all the while hating the Pope.

If that’s not good enough reason to vote No on Issue 2, I don’t know what is. Thank You.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS