Mother Nature and Old Man Winter Can Kiss My Clean Shaven Head

Cheeeeeers Bitches!!

Y’know?  I can’t speak for everyone…

But Old Man Winter and Mother Nature have been having a sub-zero FuckFest this winter at our expense.

These past three and half months here in Ohio, have been nothing but an endless stream of bullshit…And I’m talking cold, snowy, booger freezing bullshit.

It has snowed nearly every damn day, and the cold air clings to us like a Danish tiger clinging to a lifeless, yet delicious giraffe.

For weeks, I have told myself that weather patterns will change and we’ll at least hit our averages of mid-30’s during the day, but…no such luck.  We have been mired in the teens during the days, and in the single to below zero digits during the nights.

So?

I am taking extreme measures, and willing the temps to moderate using extreme measures of Karma.

After weeks of growing a beard and a sparsely populated head of hair in order to combat the polar vortices that have smothered our area this winter season, I have cleaned myself up, and shaved both face and head.

Here was my rugged winter chin at approximately 8:30 PM last night…

And here is my smooth, luxurious chin and face now…

Here was my fucked up looking think melon last night at the same time…

And here is my sexy, smooth container of a genius IQ now…

Pretty sexy, no?

Damn right, and let me tell you…

I know it’s going to continue to be cold for the foreseeable future, but mark my words, my courage in doing the follicle cleansing is going to make the Gods and Goddesses of Warmth shine upon me, and Old Man Winter and Mother Nature will be kissing my ass.

And they should…mainly because I am now bald, clean shaven, and most of all…I'm beautiful.

Or Something.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iwsradio
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February Blows!!

February is perhaps the lousiest month contained within our dodecagonical timepiece we call, the calendar.

It sucks, or rather…it blooooooows.

Blows like a mutha.

February is windy.  It’s cold.  It’s gray and dull.

Windier than Chris Matthews…colder than the frozen tundra that exists between the thighs of Sarah Palin…grayer and more dull than Mitt Romney’s personality.

Other than the 7th which marks the birthday celebrations of two of the hippest people on earth, Chris Rock and yours truly, February is a life sucking, flat lining, twenty-eight day wasteland.

February has no soul, which is odd because it is also Black History Month.  You would think that a month devoted to the overblown, yet minor contributions to this nation by our black American friends would be a month that is dripping in soul.

Y’know?  A month like August.

Black History Month would be much mo’ better within the confines of August what with all the hot, steamy, days and humid, sultry nights.

With all that humidity n’ what not, we could not only talk about the contributions of black people in America, we could smell the dripping Jeri-Curl shit from off their collective ‘do while doing so.

If we held Black History Month in August, while I would still be subjected to watching Roots, The Medgar Evers Story, and reruns of Rerun from What’s Happening, the month-long torture would take place while enjoying some refreshing central air conditioning, and a burger fresh off the grill.

Seriously…If Black History Month wants to gain a foot hold among real Americans, i.e., WHITE Americans, I have a suggestion.

Anytime a TV station or network runs one of those silly, feel good, ten second long, Moments in Black History things…they could instead, simply put up a picture of MSNBC's Tamron Hall.

Like this one…

Or this one…

Yeah, if Tamron Hall was the Poster Vixen for Black History Month, February would be able to segregate itself from the rest of the months in spite of its otherwise dreariness, and ride in the front of the chronological bus to the mountain top of calendrical emancipation…

Mmmmmm, but?

February still sucks. It’s still windy, cold, gray, and dull.

At least this God-Awful month has but twenty-eight days, and today is the last one we shall see this year.

And for that, I am thankf---

Well, strip me naked and call me Ned Beatty…Beat me hard with a dildo and call me Sally…Call me Mitch Daniels and tell me not to run for President.

Matt-Man has just discovered that this year is a Leap Year, and we have an extra day in February…How typical.

Pope Gregory XIII wasn’t very gregarious when he invented his God Damn Gregorian Calendar!!  Just like when I was a neophyte altar boy lo those many years ago, the Catholics have screwed me again!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws