Hope Springs Eternal In Springfield, Ohio

Cheers and a Happy Tuesday to you all from cold, desolate, and depressing Springfield, Ohio...aka Bagwine, Ohio.

Last year, the Winter of 2013-2014 was brutal.  It got cold in November and the fungus of frigidity stayed around til' damn near May, and...it seemed to snow every damn day.  Not a lot, but an inch or two all the fricking way from November through April.

This Winter?  The winter of 2014-2015 hasn't been as bad overall, but it has at this point become more depressing.  Allow me to 'splain.

Last winter, the weather turned brutally cold and snowy right around Thanksgiving and continued through May.  It was constant.  By January, I never even looked at the weather forecast prior to going into the Beer Mine because I knew what the forecast was...COLD and a good chance of snow.  I got used to it, and expected it.

This Winter however, after a cold November, December and most of January were tame.  We had very little snow, and temps that weren't a great departure from seasonal averages.

We at the Beer Mine, (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd. in Bagwine, OH) and indeed all of the denizens of Bagwine, Ohio, were figuring on an average Winter and looking forward to an early Spring...and then?

February came...

Around February 9th, the temperatures plummeted and haven't jacked themselves off enough to get their impotent mercuries to rise out of the teens during the day while lying  flaccid in the below zero readings at night.  And on top of that...the snows have come.

After a nearly snow-less November-January, the snows have been raining down upon the greater Bagwine Metroplex leaving nothing but, high albedo, ill-used mixed metaphors, and or badly written allusions in their wake.

This February has been the most depressing February I can remember.  It has been fucking cold, and it has hampered my ability to be the creative and bon vivant person that I am, and that our vast and diverse worldwide IWS Radio expect, because unlike last year, this winter seemed to at first, be a less than snow-filled cupcake.

However, hope springs eternal...At the aforementioned Beer Mine, we have a board upon which I update how many days there are until Spring.  Sure, the owner Drive-By Mike chastises me and says to me...

"Spring is just an astronomical occurrence when the sun shines directly upon the equator during the vernal equinox.  It doesn't mean it will truly warm up."

Okay, he really doesn't say that in those terms, because well...he wouldn't know what that meant, but he does have a point.

However, as a pragmatic optimist, I have to believe that Spring with all of it's tulip bulbing, dogwood leaf bearing glory, is just around the corner.

If we can at some point, get into the thirties during the day, I could once again believe in seeing the pulchritudinal tulip bulbs burgeon into beautiful flowers on the plains of Bagwine, Ohio.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Mother Nature and Old Man Winter Can Kiss My Clean Shaven Head

Cheeeeeers Bitches!!

Y’know?  I can’t speak for everyone…

But Old Man Winter and Mother Nature have been having a sub-zero FuckFest this winter at our expense.

These past three and half months here in Ohio, have been nothing but an endless stream of bullshit…And I’m talking cold, snowy, booger freezing bullshit.

It has snowed nearly every damn day, and the cold air clings to us like a Danish tiger clinging to a lifeless, yet delicious giraffe.

For weeks, I have told myself that weather patterns will change and we’ll at least hit our averages of mid-30’s during the day, but…no such luck.  We have been mired in the teens during the days, and in the single to below zero digits during the nights.

So?

I am taking extreme measures, and willing the temps to moderate using extreme measures of Karma.

After weeks of growing a beard and a sparsely populated head of hair in order to combat the polar vortices that have smothered our area this winter season, I have cleaned myself up, and shaved both face and head.

Here was my rugged winter chin at approximately 8:30 PM last night…

And here is my smooth, luxurious chin and face now…

Here was my fucked up looking think melon last night at the same time…

And here is my sexy, smooth container of a genius IQ now…

Pretty sexy, no?

Damn right, and let me tell you…

I know it’s going to continue to be cold for the foreseeable future, but mark my words, my courage in doing the follicle cleansing is going to make the Gods and Goddesses of Warmth shine upon me, and Old Man Winter and Mother Nature will be kissing my ass.

And they should…mainly because I am now bald, clean shaven, and most of all…I'm beautiful.

Or Something.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iwsradio
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Postcards From the Middle of January

Cheers Chuckleheads.  You know what happens today at Noon?

At Noon today, we will be smack dab in the middle of the month of January.

Smack dab, I tell ya.  And you know what else I say unto you?

January sucks!!

You know how bad January sucks, at least here in Ohio?

If you took the self-denial and sexual repression of Marcus Bachmann, stirred in the hate of Ann Coulter, blended it with a modicum of Barack Obama’s lack of a backbone, and gave it just a hint of the smell of Chris Christie’s asshole, then?

You would know what the middle of January in Ohio is like.

As I said…It sucks.

If January was an animal, it would be a donkey.

A big, gray, uncaring donkey with big, cold, steely donkey balls.  And every time the wind blows, which is often in January, those big donkey balls would smack one upside the head leaving nothing but heartache upon one’s soul, and testicular indentations upon one’s face.

January loves no one.  January feels for no one.  January is a cold, selfish bitch, and I am glad we are now halfway done with her, because the bitch that is January, cannot die soon enough.

January is the desert of the four winter months.  A desert of a month that contains no oasis, and holds no hope.

See, as far as three of the four winter months…

December ushers in the winter , but also the joy of the holidays.  February gives us Super Bowl parties, the love of Valentine’s Day, and the teasing of the warmer March spring to follow in but a couple of weeks, and when we do hit March, St. Patrick’s Day gives a joyous shout out to all in the form green beer and red mercury on the rise.

January?  What the hell does January give us?

A hangover on New Year’s Day.  Over-Hyped College Bowl Games.  Snow. Wind. Gray Skies, and as an exclamation point atop its rudeness…

January provides us all with our W-2 Income Tax Form, which puts into print and to the dollar and decimal point, just how insignificant and worthless we truly are.

January is a reminder that no matter how bad things were the last eleven months, they can always get worse, and do…at least for the thirty-one days during which she has her way.

January is many things…a hateful ex-wife…an IRS auditor…Dan Dierdorf…and the lack of joy and excitement inside of  Mika Brzezinski’s bedroom, all rolled into one insufferable month, but?

We are now a mere two weeks away from February…

A month that holds not only great Super Bowl party food, Cupid, and the birthday of yours truly, but the hope that spring will once again spring eternally, and on schedule as well.

So, and in summation…January blows donkey dicks, and its donkey balls, but there is hope, and…

It is always better to believe in the light of February rather than curse the donkey balls that are January.

Or something like that…however one puts it…January Sucks.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Cold Jokes are as Dry as They are Weary

Happy Hump Day ladies and gentlemen…Matt-Man here with some not so funny stand-up comedic type jokes for ya…

Unless you live in the desert southwest and/or the fucking tip of Florida, you know that of late, it has been colder than Ann Coulter’s pussy.

Yeah, I said that…so in honor of the Polar Vortex that has gripped the nation, here are some, “It’s so cold outside…” jokes…

From Tiffany…“It’s so cold outside, I should wear socks.”  Ha Ha…Floridians are so damn funny.

From my wake-up buddy Amy…“It’s so cold outside, I peed an icicle.”  As Amy lives in Alabama, I understand that she pees outside as most Alabamians do.

Now our wonderful friend Jeff, imparted one that wasn’t half-bad…

“It’s colder than a room full of ex-wives.”

Not bad, but I have no idea why his reference dealt with plural ex-wives.  We may have to talk to him about that.

And then I heard this…

“It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself 
to women.”

And then there is this…

 “It’s so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.”

The only reason that I find this one funny, is because when working at the Beer Mine Drive-Thru during the winter?

It’s a constant 38 degrees sans wind in the beer cooler, and yeah, THAT big ass beer refrigerator keeps one warm relative to the actual outside.

Lastly, I got this one on Facebook last night…

“It's so cold outside that my sac feels like two peas in a mail mans leather bag.”

I have no idea what that means….I don’t know why a mailman/mail woman would be delivering pea pods, but I liked it because somebody participated in my shout out for jokes.

And that’s good enough for me.

Oh sure, this post could be longer and much more scintillating, but damn, it’s cold outside!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

matmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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