Postcards From the Middle of January

Cheers Chuckleheads.  You know what happens today at Noon?

At Noon today, we will be smack dab in the middle of the month of January.

Smack dab, I tell ya.  And you know what else I say unto you?

January sucks!!

You know how bad January sucks, at least here in Ohio?

If you took the self-denial and sexual repression of Marcus Bachmann, stirred in the hate of Ann Coulter, blended it with a modicum of Barack Obama’s lack of a backbone, and gave it just a hint of the smell of Chris Christie’s asshole, then?

You would know what the middle of January in Ohio is like.

As I said…It sucks.

If January was an animal, it would be a donkey.

A big, gray, uncaring donkey with big, cold, steely donkey balls.  And every time the wind blows, which is often in January, those big donkey balls would smack one upside the head leaving nothing but heartache upon one’s soul, and testicular indentations upon one’s face.

January loves no one.  January feels for no one.  January is a cold, selfish bitch, and I am glad we are now halfway done with her, because the bitch that is January, cannot die soon enough.

January is the desert of the four winter months.  A desert of a month that contains no oasis, and holds no hope.

See, as far as three of the four winter months…

December ushers in the winter , but also the joy of the holidays.  February gives us Super Bowl parties, the love of Valentine’s Day, and the teasing of the warmer March spring to follow in but a couple of weeks, and when we do hit March, St. Patrick’s Day gives a joyous shout out to all in the form green beer and red mercury on the rise.

January?  What the hell does January give us?

A hangover on New Year’s Day.  Over-Hyped College Bowl Games.  Snow. Wind. Gray Skies, and as an exclamation point atop its rudeness…

January provides us all with our W-2 Income Tax Form, which puts into print and to the dollar and decimal point, just how insignificant and worthless we truly are.

January is a reminder that no matter how bad things were the last eleven months, they can always get worse, and do…at least for the thirty-one days during which she has her way.

January is many things…a hateful ex-wife…an IRS auditor…Dan Dierdorf…and the lack of joy and excitement inside of  Mika Brzezinski’s bedroom, all rolled into one insufferable month, but?

We are now a mere two weeks away from February…

A month that holds not only great Super Bowl party food, Cupid, and the birthday of yours truly, but the hope that spring will once again spring eternally, and on schedule as well.

So, and in summation…January blows donkey dicks, and its donkey balls, but there is hope, and…

It is always better to believe in the light of February rather than curse the donkey balls that are January.

Or something like that…however one puts it…January Sucks.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt’s Facebook Page

2013 Horoscopes

Hello guys and dolls.  Astrologer to the famous international internet radio stars, Lana Jouray here, with your 2013 Horoscopes.

Let’s hop aboard my astral vagina plane and see what the stars are cooking up for you in 2013…

Aries (March 21-April 20)

While two lesser charges against you are dropped, your plea of, “not guilty by reason of having been served cold fries” falls upon deaf ears as the jury finds you guilty of gunning down a cashier, a cook, and the manager at your local McDonald’s.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

You have always, and literally, lived by the rule, “a penny saved is a penny earned”, however after eight years, your financial planner is finally going to kick your ass for bringing him so many God Damned pennies.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

You always expected, anticipated, and ultimately knew that some day you would rise to the top, but you never foresaw that it would be the result of falling into a giant vat of flour and yeast while touring a state-of-the-art bakery in Helsinki.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)

The euphoria you feel in April after being elected President of Belize is quickly replaced by the fear and gunshot wounds you experience during the military coup that transpires in May.

Leo (July 24-August 23)

After years of sobriety you fall off the wagon.  The most unfortunate thing about this, is that you will fall off the wagon while drunkenly parking it atop the Empire State Building.

Virgo (August 24-September 23)

Remaining true to your astrological sign of the virgin, you will not get laid at any point during the entire year.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

Your career in journalism comes to abrupt end when you realize that after ten years of tossing newspapers from your bike to the doors of thousands of avid readers, your rotator cuff is just…plain…shot.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are very proud and bold people, that is why you will continue to walk down Main Street everyday naked.  Of course, being the Chief of Police that you are, makes it okay.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22)

You will find that developing a self-induced, life-threatening disease is a good way to get people to pay attention to your birthday during the holidays, but only for one time…and one time only.

Capricorn (December 23-January 20)

You are forever shamed when your Home Owners Association strips you of the, “Home of the Year” award after discovering that you used performance enhancing rugs.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

You’ll soon discover that “livin’ in a van down by the river” isn’t all that bad…provided it’s summertime and the catfish are biting.

Pisces (February 20- March 20)

You will feel vindicated when Rep. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus, finally comes out of the closet and confirms his gayness of which you suspected. Unfortunately, you will also be very disturbed when you see that it is your closet out of which he comes.

Happy 2013 Everyone!!

May the stars shine down upon you,

Lana Jouray



Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy Show on Blog Talk Radio!

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Vote NO on Issue 2 in Ohio, 'Cause if you Don't, Gov. Kasich is Going to Sing!!

Today I am discussing Issue 2 which is on the ballot today in Ohio.  A No vote on Issue 2 will repeal Senate Bill 5 which was passed in Ohio recently and severely limits the collective bargaining rights of public employees in Ohio.

I am voting No on Issue 2 and will tell you why, but as a matter of full disclosure, I feel it necessary to tell you that I am a former Ohio public employee and a former staff rep for SEIU.

Anyway…

What follows, is why I think Ohioans should vote No on Issue 2, thus repealing SB 5, and its raping of collective bargaining rights of public employees in Ohio.

Our Governor, John Kasich, the man behind this anti-union bill and proponent of the Issue 2 YES campaign that keeps SB 5 as law, is a MASSIVE dickhead.

Oh sure, you’re saying to yourselves…

“Matt-Man is merely re-living his Union days and thinks Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead because of his kinship with public employees.”

Not true…

Sure I have historical ties to public employee unions, but I am first and foremost a reporter of the truth and would never call Gov. Kasich a MASSIVE dickhead without confirmation or corroboration, so…

On Twitter Monday night, I asked my friend, cohort, and fellow “man beyond reproach”, Jayman, what HE thought of Gov. Kasich...

Jayman responded, and I quote…

“Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead who actually has a teeny-weenie wee-wee.”

See? Jayman doesn’t even live in Ohio and he knows of Kasich’s MASSIVE dickheadedness. It’s not just the choir singin’ here folks.

Although, if there was a choir singing, Kasich would probably be in it. I hear he likes show tunes and the such.

I’m not saying he’s gay or anything, but during his 1996 reelection campaign for his congressional seat, his opponent, Cynthia Ruccia implied that he was gay by asking questions as to why Kasich shared his D.C. digs with his well-paid male chief-of staff for several years. Uh-huh…

I am not into tawdry speculation of that nature, but I must tell you, I recently had a dream that John Kasich was having sex with Marcus Bachmann, and….enjoying every minute of it.

In my forty-six years of sleeping, once in awhile my dreams have proven to be true, so…I can’t completely discount the notion that Kasich may be gay, especially since he and his first wife, Mary Lee, divorced “amicably”.

How many non-gay men have an amicable divorce? IKR? And listen…

Not to add grist to the rumor mill, but I heard that the divorce was amicable because after Kasich cried like a little schoolgirl, his soon to be ex wife Mary Lee, relented and let him keep half of her clothes.

And not that this could have anything to do with him being gay, or not, but…he was raised Catholic, and you know what they say…

“Once you go Franciscan, you'll never go straight agin’.”

Although I will say, after his parents were killed in a car crash he turned to evangelical Christianity. I guess he blamed the Pope.

Anyway…

I hope I have shed some light upon why SB 5 is a bad bill and why for the following reasons, it should be repealed by voting No on Issue 2…

John Kasich is a MASSIVE dickhead, who may or may not be gay, and in my dreams has had sex with Michele Bachmann’s husband, all the while hating the Pope.

If that’s not good enough reason to vote No on Issue 2, I don’t know what is. Thank You.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Hope Chokes, IWS Jokes ...

On Sunday night, with the entire world watching, American superstar goalkeeper, the darling of the American sports media stood in front of the net awaiting one last onslaught from the Japanese. This set piece would likely be Japan’s last shot at an equalizer. One more play from the best goalkeeper in the world is all America needed for a World Cup win and the return of the Unites States Women’s National Team to their God-Given spot on top of the soccer (futbol) world. 

But, it was not to be. A perfect corner kick, followed by a laser shot off the foot of Homare Sawa left Hope Solo and the Americans stunned and the game headed for penalty kicks.  There was really no doubt about what was to come next. 

Despite all the hype from the media, and bravado from Solo herself, it was Japan’s Ayumi Kaihori who made the big saves.  It was a striking contrast between the two. Solo was the flashy and brash statuesque beauty that was ready to cash in on her fame back home. Kaihori was the diminutive, spikey haired and unassuming opposite who only needed a plaid shirt and Birkenstocks to complete “the look.” 

How could this happen? Team USA had everything going for them. Confidence. Talent. And the fact that they, as all American teams, were the hardest working, most fit, most competitive team in the history of World Cup play. Plus, as was pointed out by many after the Tsunami that hit Japan earlier this year, America had God on their side. But, happen it did.

Maybe Japan was actually the team of destiny? Maybe it was their turn and maybe God decided they deserved a big win for once. After the Nagasaki and Hiroshima bombs. After the Godzilla attacks starting in the 50’s.  After the economic disasters of the 90’s. And the Tsunami and meltdown at the Fukushima nuclear plant, maybe it was finally time for Japan to win something and have something to celebrate?

Nawwwwww. Hope Solo choked.*  LeBron James style.

Anyhoodle, this morning on I’m With Stupid, the Matt-Man and I hit on the USWNT’s Debacle in Deutschland as well as Fox News’ repeatedly pointing out that Barack Obama Mitt Romney is “Obviously not a Christian” and other brilliant moments brought to us by the meeting of Mensa Minds that is Fox and Friends. We also talked a bit about good old Herman Cain and Marcus Bachmann’s alleged gayness. Now, it should be pointed out that WE aren’t making any accusations. We just pointed out that Marcus has a lot of show tunes on his iPod and owns the first two seasons of Glee on DVD.  We report and you decide.

So, if you have nothing better to do, and even if you do, give us a listen using the fancy-schmancy BTR player below.  We think you’ll have a pretty good time. As always, we thank you for your support.

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*Even so, congrats to Japan on their thrilling victory. I was much deserved.