What IWS Fans Are Saying

Showing posts with label Spring. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spring. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Hope Springs Eternal In Springfield, Ohio

Cheers and a Happy Tuesday to you all from cold, desolate, and depressing Springfield, Ohio...aka Bagwine, Ohio.

Last year, the Winter of 2013-2014 was brutal.  It got cold in November and the fungus of frigidity stayed around til' damn near May, and...it seemed to snow every damn day.  Not a lot, but an inch or two all the fricking way from November through April.

This Winter?  The winter of 2014-2015 hasn't been as bad overall, but it has at this point become more depressing.  Allow me to 'splain.

Last winter, the weather turned brutally cold and snowy right around Thanksgiving and continued through May.  It was constant.  By January, I never even looked at the weather forecast prior to going into the Beer Mine because I knew what the forecast was...COLD and a good chance of snow.  I got used to it, and expected it.

This Winter however, after a cold November, December and most of January were tame.  We had very little snow, and temps that weren't a great departure from seasonal averages.

We at the Beer Mine, (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd. in Bagwine, OH) and indeed all of the denizens of Bagwine, Ohio, were figuring on an average Winter and looking forward to an early Spring...and then?

February came...

Around February 9th, the temperatures plummeted and haven't jacked themselves off enough to get their impotent mercuries to rise out of the teens during the day while lying  flaccid in the below zero readings at night.  And on top of that...the snows have come.

After a nearly snow-less November-January, the snows have been raining down upon the greater Bagwine Metroplex leaving nothing but, high albedo, ill-used mixed metaphors, and or badly written allusions in their wake.

This February has been the most depressing February I can remember.  It has been fucking cold, and it has hampered my ability to be the creative and bon vivant person that I am, and that our vast and diverse worldwide IWS Radio expect, because unlike last year, this winter seemed to at first, be a less than snow-filled cupcake.

However, hope springs eternal...At the aforementioned Beer Mine, we have a board upon which I update how many days there are until Spring.  Sure, the owner Drive-By Mike chastises me and says to me...

"Spring is just an astronomical occurrence when the sun shines directly upon the equator during the vernal equinox.  It doesn't mean it will truly warm up."

Okay, he really doesn't say that in those terms, because well...he wouldn't know what that meant, but he does have a point.

However, as a pragmatic optimist, I have to believe that Spring with all of it's tulip bulbing, dogwood leaf bearing glory, is just around the corner.

If we can at some point, get into the thirties during the day, I could once again believe in seeing the pulchritudinal tulip bulbs burgeon into beautiful flowers on the plains of Bagwine, Ohio.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Thursday, January 16, 2014

Postcards From the Middle of January

Cheers Chuckleheads.  You know what happens today at Noon?

At Noon today, we will be smack dab in the middle of the month of January.

Smack dab, I tell ya.  And you know what else I say unto you?

January sucks!!

You know how bad January sucks, at least here in Ohio?

If you took the self-denial and sexual repression of Marcus Bachmann, stirred in the hate of Ann Coulter, blended it with a modicum of Barack Obama’s lack of a backbone, and gave it just a hint of the smell of Chris Christie’s asshole, then?

You would know what the middle of January in Ohio is like.

As I said…It sucks.

If January was an animal, it would be a donkey.

A big, gray, uncaring donkey with big, cold, steely donkey balls.  And every time the wind blows, which is often in January, those big donkey balls would smack one upside the head leaving nothing but heartache upon one’s soul, and testicular indentations upon one’s face.

January loves no one.  January feels for no one.  January is a cold, selfish bitch, and I am glad we are now halfway done with her, because the bitch that is January, cannot die soon enough.

January is the desert of the four winter months.  A desert of a month that contains no oasis, and holds no hope.

See, as far as three of the four winter months…

December ushers in the winter , but also the joy of the holidays.  February gives us Super Bowl parties, the love of Valentine’s Day, and the teasing of the warmer March spring to follow in but a couple of weeks, and when we do hit March, St. Patrick’s Day gives a joyous shout out to all in the form green beer and red mercury on the rise.

January?  What the hell does January give us?

A hangover on New Year’s Day.  Over-Hyped College Bowl Games.  Snow. Wind. Gray Skies, and as an exclamation point atop its rudeness…

January provides us all with our W-2 Income Tax Form, which puts into print and to the dollar and decimal point, just how insignificant and worthless we truly are.

January is a reminder that no matter how bad things were the last eleven months, they can always get worse, and do…at least for the thirty-one days during which she has her way.

January is many things…a hateful ex-wife…an IRS auditor…Dan Dierdorf…and the lack of joy and excitement inside of  Mika Brzezinski’s bedroom, all rolled into one insufferable month, but?

We are now a mere two weeks away from February…

A month that holds not only great Super Bowl party food, Cupid, and the birthday of yours truly, but the hope that spring will once again spring eternally, and on schedule as well.

So, and in summation…January blows donkey dicks, and its donkey balls, but there is hope, and…

It is always better to believe in the light of February rather than curse the donkey balls that are January.

Or something like that…however one puts it…January Sucks.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt’s Facebook Page

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Matt Said, Jay Said...74>24 Degrees

Matt Fertilizes…Jay Fertilizes…You Grow.

Matt:  Hiya Chuckles!!
Jay:  What‘s Up?
Matt:  My blood alcohol concentration. I’m on my third Steel Reserve.
Jay:  Well make sure you take notes then, or we’ll be having this discussion again tomorrow.
Matt:  Okay hold on… writing down, “Take Notes.”  Got it.
Jay:  Oh this will be good.

Matt:  Hey!!
Jay:  What?
Matt:  It is so cool that Dana is going to be on our show Sunday to discuss her surgery.
Jay:  I know right?  After all the fun we have had, and continue to have at her expense, she’s coming on.
Matt:  Such a trooper.
Jay:  Man…as much shit as we have given her, she is a Super Trooper!!
Matt:  And she is getting healthy…getting in shape…good spring time thing to do.
Jay:  Oh Hell yeah.

Matt:  Hey…We could call this Sunday’s show…Spring Cleaning!!
Jay:  We could but that doesn’t really relate to Dana’s surgery.
Matt:  Yeah, okay.  Hmmmmm?
Jay:  We could however, incorporate the vernal rebirth of life and other things that come along with Spring.

Matt:  Damn right...Window opening.  Plant planting.  Gutter cleaning.
Jay:  Car tune-ups.  Becoming one with Nature.  Allergy sneezing.
Matt:  Cooking out.
Jay:  Drinking beer.
Matt and Jay:  Women wearing access-friendly, low-cut shirts, and high, tight shorts.  Sahhhhlute!!

Jay:  Oh shit dude!!
Matt:  Oh No!!  What?
Jay:  Dana has had some complications, and will be going back into the hospital, and can’t be on Sunday.
Matt:  Oh Holy Hell!!  That’s awful.
Jay:  I know…I hope she’s going to be okay.
Matt:  Well yeah…I mean, that too, but now we need a new guest on short notice.

Jay:  See?  That’s why some people just don’t like you.  Simply thinking about yourself.
Matt: I’m sorry.  I’ll put a shout out for prayers for Dana on Facebook.
Jay:  And you think that makes your cold and callous selfishness okay?
Matt:  Well, I mean…I cou---
Jay:  But…That was pretty rude of her to say she’d come on the show and then have complications.
Matt:  I know right!?

Jay:  I guess now WE have to get a hold of Martin, Jim Ed Dobbs, and Dixie Ozark so they can help out.
Matt:  Yep.  And Paul Piatt, Stubby Stonehenge, and perhaps that new Nursery down the road.
Jay:  Jesus Christ…When people get sick or have an operation, they never realize how it affects others.
Matt:  Tell me about it.  Schmoop still has this phantom tube sticking out of her gut.

Jay:  Well…in spite of Dana’s ill-timed remittance to Haughtier Than You Hospital, we’ll make it work.
Matt:  Because we are professionals.
Jay:  At least we have that.
Matt:  We’ll talk Spring and have a good time.
Jay:  Damn right, because at long last, Spring has sprung.

Matt:  Word, and maybe…people will call-in and tell us how much they love lack of winter.
Jay:  If they don’t, we can always blame it on Dana.
Matt:  And we will.
Jay:  Later Dude, guess I HAVE TO GET TO WORK NOW; THANKS DANA.
Matt:  Yeah…ME TOO, THANKS DANA!!

Jay and Matt:  But everyone…Join us LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET for the IWS Radio Show on Blog Talk Radio by clicking, HERE!!



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Monday, March 12, 2012

Headaches: Sinuses, Allergies or VooDoo?


Hola Beaches! Summer is coming at us fast and as usual I can’t believe I don’t live anywhere near the ocean. I think it’s a shame because three of my favorite things are in abundance when you live near the beach. Laid back atmosphere, seafood and women in bikinis. What more could a person ask for?

You know what I could ask for? Some relief from this fucking allergy/sinus pain. At least I guess that’s where it’s coming from. I’m about tired of it though. The headache is definitely sinuses. Or allergies. I know they’re not the same thing, but close enough for me to use them interchangeably.

This ear pain might be something else though. Or part of it. It could be that I have multiple ailments at once. That happens when you get older, ya know. Anyway, every few minutes it feels like someone is jamming a long needle into my right ear. I was trying to think of any practitioners of VooDoo that I might have upset lately who might be sticking needles in a Jayman Doll. I couldn’t think of any and then I suddenly remembered my “Saints Bounties” post. But, that wasn’t critical of the Saints, so it couldn’t be the problem.

But, what if it’s a VooDoo Priest or Priestess (more likely a Priestess since women are so much more vindictive than men) who hates the Saints? Or thought my making light of the bounties was unseemly? Or someone who is just angry that the Saints ran a bounty program rather than asking him/her to just put some kind of hex on the other teams. Damn, WHY DIDN’T they think of that? That would be brilliant! Dumbasses.

I wonder if there are any VooDoo Priests or Priestesses who specialize in defending people from other VooDoo Priests and Priestesses. I’m sure there are. Hell, I bet you can even find them on the net. I’m sure Mike is already Googling them and checking their address on Google Maps. Then going to street view to make sure it all matches up.

Actually, that’s what I do. I love Google Street View. If I have your address, then I’ve checked your place out via Google Street View. I’ve even zoomed in trying look in your windows. Is that weird? You can do the same to me if you want. Of course, my apt is on the opposite side of the building from the street so it won’t do you any good. It’s like I planned that, huh?

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Pain. Almost as bad as the pain is the ringing in my ear. I looked all this up on WebMD, but according to them my symptoms mean I’ll be dead by the weekend. Hey, at least I’ll get some sleep, right? Unless dying isn’t as peaceful as they make it out to be. I don’t think I want to find out. I’m not really afraid of dying; I’m just opposed to it.

Well, I guess it’s time to take another handful of Ibuprofen and sinus meds with a tequila chaser. And pee. I have to pee all the time too. I think it’s the Ibuprofen. Or all the water I’m drinking with it. I’ll worry about that another time. At least my sciatica hasn’t been acting up, knock on wood.

Speaking of wood. … No let’s not.