By now, I’m sure everyone has heard that the New Orleans
Saints had a “Bounty
Program” set up to pay off defensive players for big hits and big plays.
And, I’m sure you’ve done the appropriate pearl clutching and joined in as the
Fake Outrage Machine™ was turned up to 11 again. I’m especially fond of Steve
Young’s “WHAT WILL WE TELL THE CHEEEELDRIN!” plea.
Well, once again, the IWS Sports Investigative Team is on the
case! And, we have uncovered not only the dirty plays, but what the payout was
for each of them. Check them out and be as disgusted as we are.
1. Towel Snap: $250
2. Flat Tire: $500
3. Ear Thump: $500
4. Noogies: $500
5. Pantsing: $750
6. Shoelacing: $750
7. Hole Tempting: $1,000
8. Indian Burn: $1,000
9. Short Sheet his bed: $1,000
10. Wedgie: $1,250
11. Hang a “Kick Me” sign on back: $1,500
12. Wet Willie: $1,500
13. Fake hickey from pinch: $1,500
14. Purple Nurple: $2,000
15. Three Stooges Eye Poke: $2,500
16. Hurt feelings: $2,500
17. Swirlies: $3,000
18. Ball Buster: $5,000
19. The Business: $5,000
20. Teabagging: $10,000
2. Flat Tire: $500
3. Ear Thump: $500
4. Noogies: $500
5. Pantsing: $750
6. Shoelacing: $750
7. Hole Tempting: $1,000
8. Indian Burn: $1,000
9. Short Sheet his bed: $1,000
10. Wedgie: $1,250
11. Hang a “Kick Me” sign on back: $1,500
12. Wet Willie: $1,500
13. Fake hickey from pinch: $1,500
14. Purple Nurple: $2,000
15. Three Stooges Eye Poke: $2,500
16. Hurt feelings: $2,500
17. Swirlies: $3,000
18. Ball Buster: $5,000
19. The Business: $5,000
20. Teabagging: $10,000
Now, lest you think I’m making light of this whole thing
simply because I’m a Saints fan, you’re wrong. I would have made light of it no
matter which team had gotten caught. Now the other teams in the league doing
the same thing can quietly disband their bounty programs while tsk, tsking the
Saints. And then the Saints can fire head coach Sean Patyon, who will then be
suspended and fined, former Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams will be
suspended and fined, and the Saints will be fined and lose draft picks.
Then after next season, The Dallas Cowboys can hire Sean Payton
as their new head coach and ESPN and the rest of the sports media will pretend
that Payton is Mr. Fucking Wonderful again and act like none of this ever
happened. And then the NFL’s empty suit Commissioner Roger Goodell can go back
to pretending to care about player safety while continuing to push for an 18
game schedule which will result in more player injuries.
See? It’s all no big deal.
5 comments:
I hear the Saints got rid of Gregg Williams. I pitty the poor town that gets him as a coach for their team.
spot on Jay!
funny, when I heard all the outrage I thought of you and your fake outrage radar gun
Mike: Yeah, I feel bad for the poor, sad team that hired Gregg away.
Jay
Matt-Man: Yeah, but the person you Teabagged consented to it. Right?
RIGHT??
Jay
Dianne: I love it when you think of me like that baby. ;-)
Jay
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