Friday, July 25, 2014

For Some Women, The Time For Good Sex Is Ticking Away

As Jayman and I are doing a show full of debauchery this coming Sunday, I thought I would get you all in the mood today with a bit of insect sex I experienced some years ago, but....I start out talking about those nasty ass "fish"...carp.

They wallow around in the shallows, the males trying to lure in a hot female with his crank bait, tossing out some cheesy line in carp-speak. It is a lovely ritual that hearkens in Spring. It also reminds me of something that happened to me many, many moons ago.

I guess I was about 17 years old and one late June afternoon my girlfriend at the time and I made our way to a secluded cove at the local State Park to fish. Well, actually… 

I was fishing and she sat on a blanket and read, but you get the picture. I was catching a few here and there and having a good time. I turned to Sherri at one point to show her a pretty good sized bass that I had caught and lo and behold there she sat.

She sat there staring at me, smiling. Her legs spread provocatively and her shirt unbuttoned revealing her lacy red bra and glistening cleavage. Boo Yah…

I could hear the wocka wocka guitar music from every low budget porn movie I had seen blaring in my head. I could feel a pup tent erecting itself in my shorts. I put down my rod, (no, not that one silly, my fishing rod) and lay down next to her.

My lips pressed against hers. My hands began caressing her perky nubile breasts. My tongue licking the salty sweat from her---Well you get the picture.

We were now entirely naked and going at it like two horny Proboscis Monkeys in a mangrove swamp. Our warm bodies rolling around on white sand and our secret protected by the seclusion and the dense canopy of the cove. 

It was glorious, and an example of young love at its most passionate. As we neared the state of climactic euphoria, we simultaneously moaned and screamed, for it was at that moment that we discovered that we were both covered in......ticks.

That’s right, blood sucking, disease laden ticks.

We were mortified to say the least. My anxious dork went from being a tribute to teenage virility to being a shrunken cowering nob of innocuousness.

We picked ticks from each others most intimate parts like baboons giving each other a rinse and set. It was as if we were both suffering from the humiliation only a nursing home resident can feel at the hands of a sadistic nurse…young passion gone terribly wrong.

For two weeks after the fiasco, we still felt ticks crawling on us although it was just our minds trying to process the events. I have recovered for the most part, but to this day, whenever someone mentions Lyme disease or spotted fever, I cross my legs and let out a little whimper. I tell you this now in order to prevent it from happening to you.



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Thursday, July 24, 2014

Celebrity Sex Tapes We Want To See

Holaaaaaaaaa all you celebrity loving perverts out there! One of the truly great things about modern American culture is celebrity sex tapes. Oh don’t sit there and act like you haven’t watch any of them cause you know you have. You watched Pam and Tommy Lee. You watched Paris Hilton and That Dude she did one with. You watched Kim Kardashian’s super boring sex tape too. You love celebrity sex tapes!

Since everyone loves them, I thought I would do a list of celebrity sex tapes we ALL want to see happen. Here are some sex tapes that would be HUGE and make a lot of money…

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello: Sofia and Joe are the current “It Couple” and let’s face it, we’re all jealous of these two. I mean, being this hot and dating each other should be illegal. The sex tape would be must see though!

Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne: Their relationship didn’t last long because nothing this hot can burn forever. We can be pretty sure that it was intense, sexy and weird. There really isn’t any doubt there’s a sex tape of these two going at it somewhere. Just go ahead and release it ladies.

John McCain and Lindsay Graham: John and Lindsey are the hottest power couple in Washington. They can’t seem to keep their hands off each other! It’s really heartwarming the way they are always there to support and defend each other. That’s the way lovers should be!

The Victoria’s Secret Models: All of them. Naked. Having a big old supermodel orgy. Hey! Some of these for you … Some are for me.

Sarah Palin: All by herself making love to the only person on the face of the Earth she truly loves and cares about.

Abe Vigoda and Betty White: America’s grandpa and America’s sweetheart! This will be the longest sex tape ever because they fall asleep a few minutes in for a long nap then wake up, pee and then finish. It’s very touching.

Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Watson and Jayman: A world famous internet radio star and two of the biggest movie stars in the world in a hot, sexy three-way that obviously never happened and never will. But damn, what a blockbuster this would be, right? The media would never get enough of this one.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Brotherly Love, Baby!!

Last night, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable…out of my realm…unsure…kinda like I was waiting for
something to happen.

Schmoop was at work; I had nothing meaningful to do, and well…the internet was void of anything exciting upon which to comment.

And then…

My brother Party Marty called (far right).

Marty didn’t have anything going on either…so we talked about crap we did when we were kids, and guess what?  We laughed, and laughed out loud.

And, we talked and laughed for about forty-five minutes.

Let me tell ya…

As far as people here in Bagwine, Ohio, there are but two people who I open up to and leave a conversation out of breath because I have been laughing too loud and for too long…and that is my BFF Schmoop, and my brother, Party Marty.

I am happy…er…happy to exponitiate (it’s a word now)…that I am grateful that I am blessed with at least two people in my hometown that I can not only talk to, but visit via e-mail, phone, or in person, and any time I want to, share a laugh…or a hundred.

Y’know…sometimes we’re not totally unhappy…sometimes we’re not altogether sad…but, when we need a pick-me up of sorts, because we’re bored…Ol’ Party Marty, lead singer of The Dreamboats and friend of the IWS Radio Show, is the man.

He is as hilariously crude in private, and yet, he is reputable and thoughtful in public.  I like that.

I’m not verbally cloistered like that by any means, but I enjoy a sense of  brotherly love and pre-emptive laughter when I hear Marty begin a comment with…

“Matt…Let me tell you what I said the other day…but don’t repeat it.”

Ha.  Schmoop is the same way.

I admit…I am out there on this website and our radio show, and want to make a name for myself and IWS Radio, but Marty and Schmoop?  They want to go through life calmly, nicely, yet anonymously.  (And in my brother’s case…successfully, that bastard)

But anyhoo…

I have to admit, that if I had neither Marty or Schmoop by my side, I would be selling used pencils and erasers at the Beer Mine…

Conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd, but instead…

Even though they want to go through life anonymously, those two keep me laughin', keep me motivated, and keep me trying to make them laugh, and I know if I can make them laugh...I can make otherwise normal people laugh.


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