Thursday, December 18, 2014

Wrapping Presents Is Like Having Sex

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex as applied to the holiday of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, and throughout the remainder of the Christmas season, these are the rules of the lexicon of sex…

Have Sex = Wrap presents
Having Sex = Wrapping presents
Had Sex = Wrapped presents

To wit, and heretofore is the following…

Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend Sherri and I were having sex in my bedroom when my brother Party Marty walked in. He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at having sex.

Unfortunately, when the bastard walked in on us, he not only got a good laugh, he also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas. He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.

During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it.

They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. It’s adorable watching the young boys and girls watch the chicks have sex with Daddy’s package.

I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.

When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 A.M., and I awoke with a thirst.

I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.

One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should while having sex. It’s really quite frustrating.

I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me.

Fortunately I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them to help me have sex.

Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink eggnog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.

Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season.

And by the way, friends...

We still have a couple of days until Christmas. If you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I have gotten pretty good at having sex over the years…so if you need help having sex as I once did, I would love to help you have sex too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Be My Christmas Facebook Friend
Tweet Me Under The Mistletoe

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Arkansas Razorbacks Fans are Stupid and Rude

Holaaaaaaaaaa! So, a week or so ago the Arkansas Razorbacks went to Ames, Iowa to play Iowa State in men’s basketball. The Hogs started off the game playing like shit, improved to just mediocre for a while and ended like quitters. The next day I thought I’d see if anyone in an Arkansas sports group I belong to on Facebook wanted to discuss what went wrong.

I got banned from the group before I could save the comment thread, but what follows is VERY close to accurate, especially the name calling and insults directed at me. I tend to remember those.  My comments in bold, responses in italics.


J: “Seems like every time the Hogs have a chance to make a big splash they drown. Gotta start at least being competitive in these games. We only get a handful of chances.”

Stephen comments: “You’re a moron! GTFOH Man!”

J: “What do you think went wrong last night?”

Stephen:  “ISU just had a good night. That’s all.”

J: “Well they did play really great. We seem to make a lot of people look really great though.”

Stephen: “So you’re giving up after only one loss? Some fan you are.”

Now Vicky joins the thread: “If you’re gonna be this bitchy and attack the players like this after only one unfortunate performance you better not show up pretending to be a fan when we win the next big game we play!”

J: “Whoa! I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration of what I said Vicky.”

Vicky responds with “Excuse me???? Whatever!”


Now James shows up with “Guys, just ignore him. He’s a sad, fat fag who is always angry and hates the UofA”

Vicky responds “Well, being gay is his choice if he is, but he most definitely hates the Hogs and is a very angry man.”

J: “Wow this is a really rough crowd here. Love all the name calling and personal attacks though. That’s always a nice touch.”

Stephen returns with “Hey! You’re the one who started the attacks with the cheap shot at the team. I don’t know if what James said is right, but I do suspect you’re probably just a racist who wouldn’t be happy unless we had an all-white team and coaching staff and played Princeton style offense.”

Then quick like bunny Darryl showed up with this gem: “Seriously Jason. Just get the fuck out of here and leave this group to the real fans that actually support the team you POS.”

Then Vicky comes back for more: “I bet you’re the kind of guy who always picks Arkansas to lose when we play a big game.”

J: “Well, Vicky I try to be realistic about these things and when it’s clear that the other team is better than us then yes, I pick them to beat us. Don’t you?”

Vicky fires back “HELL NO! I always pick Arkansas to win! If we were 0-30 and were playing a 30-0 Kentucky team in Lexington I would still pick Arkansas to win! That’s what a REAL HOG FAN does!”

Now Walter shows up with “I think Jason needs a timeout from this group considering his personal attacks on female members. That’s pretty uncalled or dude. You’re a real asshole.”

Vicky finishes her part with “Fuck that fag!”


It was at this point that I clicked on the link to the group to find that he had been kicked out.  Gosh that was fun. My fellow Arkansas fans are swell. What REALLY sucks is that Arkansas followed up that loss by losing to a shitty Clemson team that couldn't even beat a super-shitty Rutgers team AT HOME! Man, I came *THIS CLOSE* to creating a new fake Facebook page and joining that group again just to say "TOLDJA!!!" 



Monday, December 15, 2014

There Were No Survivors at the IWS Christmas Party

Greetings and Cheers…So much fun was had at yesterday’s IWS Radio Office Christmas Party that

somebody who shall remain nameless forgot to write today’s recap, so…

Let’s get bizzy with it.

Matt-Man lamented his unexpected divorce after twenty-seven years of what he thought was wedded bliss.

Jayman sympathized with him and then forced Matt to sing the Arkansas Razorbacks fight song since the University of Dayton basketball team was pummeled by the Hogs.

There were a ton of guests listening live in the chat room although Matt-Man couldn’t see any of them for part of the show.

Bobby Kraft livened up the party and Rev. Moneymaker’s dour mood erased all of Bobby’s good work.

Schmoop was pissed off more than usual and then had sex with Guy Ahnyurdyck.

Paul Piatt was drunk as a skunk and sniffing up some chick named Puddles.

Jesse Ferg sang about St. Nick and Joey Goodbar hailed in Hanukkah.

Beer Mine Beth, Missalicious, and Party Marty’s Voicemail answered our calls of celebration and a good time was had by all.

So kick back today and give yesterday’s 2014 IWS Radio Office Christmas Party a listen: