Saturday, April 19, 2014

MSJS Easter Extravaganza

Jay evangelizes, Matt sermonizes You nod off a bit.

Jay: What?
Matt: Huh?
Jay: Did you start
Matt: Start what?
Jay: That was a fast minute
Matt: What?
Jay: How the hell are ya?
Matt: I’m freaking great!
Jay: That’s great to hear.
Matt: You know why?
Jay: Because Jesus loves you?
Matt: You’re GOT-DAMMED right he does!
Jay: Abso-freaking-lutely! He loves me too.
Matt: Well … probably.
Jay: Hey now!
Matt: I’m kidding! Jesus loves everyone.
Jay: Not everyone. He probably doesn’t love Vladimir Putin.
Matt: Good point.
Jay: We should call him.
Matt: Let’s do it!

Jay: OMG! Lent is almost over.
Matt: I can’t wait!
Jay: Me either.
Matt: It’s been a long haul.
Jay: It sure has
Matt: I’m gonna eat bread all day!
Jay: It’ll be a Yeast Feast!
Matt: I might get Adult Onset Celiac Disease
Jay: It’s gonna be a great day.
Matt: Yeah … Hey wait!
Jay: What?
Matt: What did you give up for Lent again?
Jay: Well, it’s complicated
Matt: Uh-huh
Jay: It’s all about being a better person
Matt: Well, did you do it?
Jay: Yeah, pretty much. I think so.
Matt: Good job then!
Jay: Thanks!

Matt: So an Easter Extravaganza on Sunday?
Jay: Of course!
Matt: We should call the Pope.
Jay: Ask him how Easter is shaping up?
Matt: And maybe the Israelis
Jay: Of course! Make sure they’re having a happy Passover
Matt: OHHHHH! Remember when Guy interviewed the Easter Bunny?
Jay: Oh yeah! We should find that and play it again.
Matt: “Classic IWS”
Jay: Good call. Rev Moneymaker will be there.
Matt: And Paul Piatt and stand up w/ Phil Diller
Jay: And even more stand up w/ Jesus on stage at Ha-Ha’s in Haifa!
Matt: I bet he nails that show!
Jay: I hope he doesn’t …. DIEEEEEE!
Matt: And, I have a list of prayer lines we can call.
Jay: We need more prayer in our lives.
Matt: Everyone does
Jay: So let’s give it to them
Matt: In Jesus’ name
Jay: AMEN!

Be sure to catch “Jesus Christ: Tan, Rested and Ready” on IWS Radio this Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!!

Friday, April 18, 2014

Jesus Christ: Dead Man Walking and Carrying a Cross

It’s Good Friday so let’s have some laughs.

I mean, if we weren't supposed to have fun on this Day of Jeebus’ Crucifixion, they would have called it something else.

Something such as, Bad Friday…Bloody Friday…or perhaps…

Is Your Fucked Up Sister Coming Over for Easter Dinner Again This Year? Friday.

Nope. It’s Good Friday, or as I refer to it, Holy Week Happy Hour™ So, drink up bitches, the laughs and IWS frivolity are on me.

As I have pointed out this week, Hayzoos was one funny Messianic Mo-Foe. 

Facing certain death, did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.

When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:

“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later. LOL.”

And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:

“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and kept calling me Moses.

I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses, yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."

I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."
Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:

“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Pharisee? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”

Once at Golgotha, and getting readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing one of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…

Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:

Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddam this is gonna hurt!! LOL.
He brought the crowd down with that one and then had a request. He shouted to Andrew:

“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”

With that, Andrew played this, centuries later, IWS Classic: 

After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:

“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”

And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and simply said, “Tetelestai”.
And so it was…

I hope you party your asses off during Good Friday, because living without sin is what it is all about.  Be safe, have fun, and enjoy your Easter Weekend.



Thursday, April 17, 2014

I Really Don't Care

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! Every single day my Facebook feed is full of deep thoughts, angst, bitching, inspirational quotes and lots and lots of anger. People are so worked up over so many different things. This has made me realize that there are lots of issues out there that I really don’t give a shit about.

Politicians who cheat on their spouses:  Politicians do way worse things every single day of their lives than cheating on their spouses. Adultery is a private issue and we don’t really have a right to know if our elected official is cheating on his/her spouse. It doesn’t tell us anything about his/her abilities or effectiveness as administrators. Besides, just knowing someone “cheated” doesn’t tell us the whole story and without the whole story we don’t know squat.

Immigration: OMG THERE’S BROWN PEOPLE POURING OVER THE BOARDER EVERY SINGLE DAY COMING HERE TO MURDER AND RAPE AND PILLAGE!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!! The people who DEMAND that illegal immigrants assimilate are the same ones who want to keep them out of public school which is where they would learn to assimilate. The reason we have the disaster of an immigration problem we have now is because everyone is either “nobody” or “everybody” gets in and neither side will budge. So, whatever.

Women making .77 cents to every $1 a man makes (allegedly):  Well, they don’t really. I mean sure, on average that’s probably the case, but if you’re comparing women and men in the same job with same experience and same hours worked each year, it’s not that low. Do I think women should get paid the same for the same work? Of course I do. But, the real problem is women aren’t encouraged to go into science, computer and engineering fields where the best paying jobs are.

Affirmative Action: Am I on the losing end of AA? Yup. Do I care? Maybe I should, but I really don’t.

People getting gov’t “hand-outs” who don’t DESERVE them: Are there people gaming the system? Absolutely. Should we do something to stop this? Of course! Are we doing anything about it? Fuck no! Just cutting social programs doesn’t do anything to the people who are beating the system. They’ll beat the system as long as the system stays the same. Cutting funding just kicks the honest people out of the system. Also, if you’re just spittin’ mad over undeserving people getting gov’t handouts, but never mention rich corporations getting tax subsidies or rich people getting farm subsidies even though all they own is forty acres of dirt, then leave me the hell alone with your bitching.

Reality TV (other than “Swamp People” and “Mountain Men” of course): Oh look! Fake, scripted drama on TV! If it isn’t a show with real writers and real actors then I really don’t care. I’m all for lowbrow entertainment and have no problem with anyone who does enjoy these shows. The only thing I ask is that you not act as if this shit is real. Please?

The deficit:  The deficit isn’t the problem. The problem is there aren’t good-paying enough jobs. More jobs means more people paying taxes which means more revenue which means lower deficits. Ask Bill “4.2% Unemployment” Clinton what happens to deficits when people are working.

Spoilers: I get that some people don’t want plot twists in their favorite shows revealed before they get to watch the show, but it’s on you to avoid spoilers. I kind of agree with west coast people complaining about spoilers on Twitter when the show being spoiled won’t even air out there for another two hours. But, you could just stay off Twitter for a while on that night too. Just a thought. Generally though, if you record a show to watch at your leisure later in the week then you do so at your own risk.

That’s the abbreviated list. The actual list goes on and on and on. I think a lot of you people would be much happier if you cut back on the things that you get worked up over too.