Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Well, let’s see what’s happening in the news …
- ESPN said they will not take disciplinary action* against on-air talent Stephen A. Smith after his offensive comments about women provoking domestic violence. Instead the network will punish Smith by forcing him to continue to have to work with Skip Bayless every weekday.
- Whoopie Goldberg said on ABC’s “The View” that people often believe they have some special right to tough or grab celebrities and that just isn’t right. In response to Goldberg’s comment, co-host Jenny McCarthy spent the rest of the show holding a finger two inches from Whoopie saying “I’m not touching youuuuuuuu …. I’m not touching youuuuuuuu.”
- A new poll shows that 86.5% of Israelis don’t want a ceasefire and want the IDF to continue its assault on Gaza. Further questioning found that most of people simply want it all done before the NFL season starts in September.
- This one time … at band camp … The director of the Ohio State marching band was treating band members horribly, berating them, calling them names, threatening them and knew about, but did nothing to stop a “highly sexualized culture” inside the band and … and … GOT HIS ASS FIRED FOR IT.
- Controversy erupted last week as Arizona became the latest state to botch an execution. Witnesses say that Joseph Wood “gasped and snorted” for more than an hour after the lethal injection chemicals were administered. When asked for comment governor Jan Brewer said “To be fair, I was gasping and snorting too. I mean, the whole thing was really pretty hilarious.”
- LeBron James announced that he will be going back to his old number 23 which he wore during his first stint with Cleveland. Former NBA great Michael Jordan announced the gives James his blessing to wear the number 23. Upon hear that, James said “Uh, yeah, that’s nice since nobody asked you.”
- On Sunday the New York Times editorial board came out in favor of the legalization of marijuana. The initial draft included a section that was not printed that basically said “Ohhhhhh these cupcakes are soooooooo good!! OHMYGOD! Maureen Dowd you gotta sprinkle some of that Cheetos dust on the vanilla cupcakes! It’s magical! Ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhh DOOOOOOOOD!”
- The White House is said to be “fuming” over Israel’s criticisms of Secretary of State John Kerry. Actually, they’re just embarrassed because it all started with the standard “Why the long face John?” Then it turned out his feelings had actually been hurt by Israel and now everyone feels bad.
- A new recommendation this week says that Orthodox Jews with herpes should stop applying “direct oral suction” to baby’s penises during the traditional bris. After reading this report another group recommended this week that NOBODY apply “direct oral suction” to ANY baby’s penis at any time.
- A Ukrainian woman named Ekaterima Parkhomento posted selfies on her Instagram this week claiming to be wearing eye liner she looted from the wreckage of fight MH17. While most people were outraged by Ekaterima’s actions they mostly all agreed that she looked really great and could totally be a model.
- Fox News reported this week that “illegal immigrants protest outside White House, with little fear of repercussions.” Said Fox News president Roger Ailes “it’s almost like this has become a free country with some kind of silly right to petition the government or something.”
- Former Ohio governor Ted Strickland tried to live on minimum wage for a week and found that he couldn’t do it. In his official statement Strickland said “Thank God this was just a political stunt and I’m not really poor cause that would suck so hard.”
- And finally Sarah Palin launched her very own internet channel this week. This will allow Sarah’s followers and fans unfiltered access to all her thoughts and opinions on the big issues of the day. The cost for access to the new channel is $99.95 a year or $9.95 a month. When asked about the pricing plan a spokesperson for Palin said “Let’s be honest here, given her history I would go with the monthly plan if I were you.”
*Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, they suspended him for a whole week. Whatever! I’m not letting that ruin a good Skip Bayless joke.