Donald Trump For President?

After a false start thanks to BTR’s incompetence and general lack of caring about its hosts, Matt-Man and Jayman finally got to do their super immature childish humor show. And since it was a super immature childish humor show they of course featured all the idiots losing to Donald Trump in the republican primary. Plus we threw in a lot of other really funny stuff.

Matt-Man had to deal with some moron from Cleveland who insisted Matt answer the phone at the Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Roads in Bagwine, Ohio).

Jayman encounter a couple of Hipster wannabes at the barber shop and had to resist the urge to mock them in public.

Mike Huckabee promises to make prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers and other freeloaders pay their fair share.

Chris Christie and Rand Paul hug it out.

Paul Piatt stepped outside of his comfort zone with a hilariously childish poem.

Keith Olbermann dropped by with a special commentary that just might get him fired from IWS.

Ahnald have trysts with many different women at his home. Some of the women came several times.

Donald Trump put Megyn Kelly in her place and might have just finished her pathetic career off!

Erick Erickson came to Megyn’s defense. Well, in his own sick, perverted way.

Albert Pujols is …. Retarded?

Ted Cruz is childish. Not, childish humor, just childish.

Anderson Cooper is amused by getting the full twelve inches promised.

CNN is all about the Money Shot.

Robert the Taylor called in and was brilliant as usual.

We called Missalicious to see what was up with her and that got AWWWWWKWARD!

And soooooooo much more! Check it out!  

                             

Stream of Haikuciousness...When Matt-Man Develops His Spontaneous Asian Side

Yesterday on the IWS website, Jayman posted an exquisitely done stream of consciousness post.  I mean…

It was so damn well done, that while the tears of James Joyce were falling from Heaven, Jayman was receiving a call from the Ted Cruz organization begging Jayman to be their filibuster writer from here on out.

So?  I thought I’d do a little stream of consciousness writing myself, however…

Just to mix it up a little, I thought I’d stream my consciousness in the form of haikus.

So here ya go, Matt-Man’s Stream of Haikusciousness…

This winter drags on
Will it end anytime soon?
I seriously doubt it.

This Steel Reserve
Is quite tasty and so warm,
Fuck Mother Nature.

I’m off this Sunday
Facebook friends better beware,
Ima gonna drink.

Sausage, toast, and eggs
That sounds incredibly good.
So much effort though.

I just lit a smoke
I take a deep drag, and smile
Newport Reds taste swell.

Lent is almost here
I need to give up something
Bread and pasta…Gone!!

My zipper is down
I find that extremely odd
Hands were typing keys.

I bet Kate Upton
Is really awful in bed
Not allowed to bite and mar her picture perfect tits.

My last Kate haiku
Did not follow haiku rules
Oh well…suck it, Kate.

Chicken nuggets, not eggs

eggs?

Nuggets are much less trouble.
Eggs may have to sit.

I just touched my dick.
No, I didn’t have an itch
I just wanted to.

Why do people judge?
Schmoop is sound asleep in bed
And I am horny.

Thank you, and have a great Thursday…I shall spend mine saying “5-7-5” to myself.

Today’s drawer at the Beer Mine is gonna be so fucked up.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Funny Headlines Have Returned Yet Again!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It’s time for more headlines!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

LeBron James says he belongs on the Mt. Rushmore of the NBA. When asked where it is replies “Damn, I don’t know … Colorado?”

CDC says 2,739 American women have injured themselves trying to dace like Beyoncé did at the Grammy’s.

President Obama laughs uncontrollably as he can’t stop making “short jokes” at Vladimir Putin’s expense.

NFL prospect Michael Sam clarifies his announcement that he’s gay: “I’m more ‘Rock Hudson’ gay, not ‘Johnny Weir’ gay.

Pope Francis says it’s important to love the homeless. Homeless say that’s nice but “we can’t buy 211’s with love, man.”

Men’s Doubles Luge outlawed in Kansas.

Ted Cruz demands to know if Obama pronounces it “tomato” or “tomahto” before committing to one side or the other.

In shocking development, talk radio caller remembers to turn down his radio first.

Area woman is sick and tired of men with “scruffy beards.”

Sad, lonely man puts up a good front pretending not to care about Valentine’s Day.

Male prostitute uses hidden shotgun in the headboard trick to rob johns.

Rand Paul missed the debt ceiling vote because we out trying to find the perfect Valentine’s Day gift to give himself.

President Obama still angry over not winning any southern states in 2012 orders up a series of winter storms as punishment.

Americans intrigued by Olympic Curling say it could become popular here if it can be made more violent.

Arkansas County Quorum Court finds laws to be too confusing so everyone just goes home.

CNN gets into the scripted show business because nobody gives a shit about the news anyway.

Amanda Knox turns down sweet job offer as tour guide for Perillo Tours of Italy.

Comcast and Time Warner Cable agree to a merger promise half the service and quality with twice the shittiness.

New Yorkers angry that Mayor de Blasio didn’t order schools closed during snowstorm. De Blasio replies “Who knew Al Roker would be right?”

Facebook announces users will have 50 gender options. “Other” not one of them.

2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition to be delivered with some pages “pre-stuck together.”

Area man can’t explain why he finds curling so damn fascinating, he just does.

Okay, that’s enough.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Chris Christie on BridgeGate...Yes I Did It!!

Happy Friday to all of you IWS Radio fans.  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie here to guest write on the
monumental pages of the IWS website.

Seems that Matt-Man watched my entire Sen. Ted “I’m One of the Few Gay Men in Texas” Cruz length press conference that I held yesterday and called me shortly afterward, to berate, belittle, and beseech me to be myself, and tell the truth.

Well, thanks to the, “Come to Jesus” phone conversation we had…yeah, a phone call…I no longer like e-mails, y’know Ha!!…Matt-Man convinced me to come clean, and as he put it in lingo I can understand, said…

“You fucking pussy, Scots-Irish, self-proclaimed Sicilian badass, you…tell the truth and quit being such a fucking Mary.”

He’s right, and today?

I am here to tell you…I did indeed orchestrate this entire bridge closing thing, but not because I’m a bully, which I’m not; nor is it because I am a politician with high aspirations, which I am…

It’s because I am at the very heart, soul, and core of my being, a speculative ironic comedian, and my ironic humor is lost on people.

Hell, this entire humorous bridge closing caper that left Ft. Lee, NJ. an island unto itself, and left a soon to be dead woman…well dead, was thought of because my now unemployed Deputy Chief of Staff Bridget Kelly’s name is, BRIDGEt.

Ha…Was that fact lost on you non-ironic picking up motherfuckers?  Holy Cow people, I even have a daughter named BRIDGEt for God Sakes, could we pay attention to my humor, please!?

As for Ft. Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich? Don’t you people see the statement I was making with my bridge closing to Ft. Lee?

Mayor Sokolich is of Serb-Croat descent and I was, for a short time, dividing up New Jersey into isolated and autonomous principalities, just like when Yugoslavia broke up.  I was ironically, and whimsically making the ungrateful bastard feel at home. And what do I get?

Heartache and disrespect!!  I swear to God; if Rodney Dangerfield was a Governor, he’d be me.

You know, people give me shit for being anti-gay marriage to an extent.  Do you not see the humor in that? Have you people seen my wife?  She’s a man, Baby!!

Do you think that happens by accident?  Hell NO it doesn’t; I meticulously plan these ironic events and punch lines of life.

I am sooooooo wayyyyyyy fucking ahead of the general population, humor wise!!

Do you think I am fat because I’m just fat because of an uncontrollable urge for delicious, deep-fried food? Hell no…I worked on that as well, you know why?

When some asshole state legislator approaches me and asks…

“Hey Governor Christie, shouldn't you like…um…work a salad into your diet?”

I respond by saying…

“I would, but I have eaten so much of your wife’s pussy that I don‘t have room.”

Ha!!

See?  See?  I am dynamic, ironic, and funnier than fuck, and you guys?

Well…you just don’t get it, and that hurts to some extent, but hey…

I’ll live to joke another day, because, well…that’s what I live for…to make people smile, laugh, and who knows?

Maybe instead of being elected President in 2016, I’ll get a late night comedy show called, Bridge-It With Chris Christie.

I’d like that, now…

Thanks, and go fuck yourselves.  Ha!!  I meant that ironically!!

Gov. Chris Christie

mattman@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Hot Sex is the Secret to Ending the Cold War of the Shutdown

Cheeeeeeeeers, and a Happy Tuesday to ya, Chuckleheads!!

Y’know?

I hate it when I have nothing topical to write about that excites me, but when I am in that type of pattern and just not “feelin’ it”, I try to think of things in general that excite me, make me mad, or more often than not, make me laugh.

I am burned out by the 24/7 news coverage of the Obamacare/Debt Ceiling/Government Shutdown impasse that is raging like an out of control wildfire burning slowly and painfully like an ember at the Millard Fillmore Perpetual Pyre of Obscurity, which of course is still open because it receives no Federal funding and well…doesn't really exist, but anyhoo…

The only redeeming thing about the incessant and repetitive coverage of this latest American political crisis, is the fact that cable news pundits, talk radio hosts, and viewers and callers of, and to, such media venues headline an all-star and Tony Award winning cast in the newest American stage comedy classic…

“Buffoonery, Hypocrisy, and Ideology on Parade!!”

Oy Vey folks!!  What the hell is wrong with these people on TV, Radio, and their audiences?

It’s as though the late Timothy Leary has taken over programming for every damn political TV and Radio show, and at the same time is the host, guest, and caller-in to every damn show!!

It’s cwazy, wacky and it’s making my head spin, making me laugh, and making me feel much better about myself than I ever had, well…other than that one time at Bowling Green State University in 1983 when I had hot post-Homecoming sex with a Republican chick named Ann Barlage. Mmmmmmmmm…

That was some hot bi-partisan sex right there boy!!  See, unlike the ideologues of today, both in the media and the Congress…

We reached across the aisle, agreed to disagree, and then filibustered the hell out of each other until the second Sunday in October sun rose, and while creeping through the blinds, dappled us, and the empty wine bottles, with her golden crepuscular rays that said unto Ann and I…

“Your motions were more than well approved by one and other.  Now go, and sin no more.”

See?

Why is it so hard for Rush Limbaugh to get along with Rachel Maddow?  Why is it so difficult for Sean Hannity to say that Joe Scarborough is not a RINO?

Why in the hell can’t Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin think of Barack Obama and Joe Biden as swell dudes?  And why can’t Rachel, Joe, Barack, and Joe think the same of them!?

Because people…A bitter, monocular, and turgid ideology is hard to overcome, but the answer is so simple, and that is what makes me laugh about all of this Obamacare/Debt Ceiling/Government Shutdown bullshit.

If like Ann and I, Limbaugh had sex with Maddow.  And Hannity had sex with Scarborough.  And then we made a porn film called, Ted, Sarah, Barack, and Joe, and What Harry Reid Saw, all would be right with the world, and America could move forward.

It’s not that hard, and ideally…Maybe if Joe Scarborough plays his cards right, he could have sex with Sean; Sean could get divorced as well, and Joe could make Hannity his third wife.

But…baby steps…Let’s just get America back onto the road to recovery for now, and think about the Irish nuptials later.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page 

IWS Person of the Week...Sen. Ted Cruz

The news coming out of Washington, D.C. of late can be summed up in two words...TED CRUZ.

Damn right.  U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) is a Cuban-Canadian turned Lone Star State maverick which means of course, he is one bad ass mutha-Shut Yer Mouth, eh?

He stood on the Senate floor this past week and for 21+ hours and spewed his righteous indignation toward the Black Magic of Obamacare and at anachronistic legislators whose relevance has long passed.

Some would prefer to run away and hide from the brutal truth and painfully prophetic words of Sen. Cruz. But he is blocking the door...

Oh sure, some people, Democrats and Republicans alike have tried to turn Ted Cruz into some sort of crazy, self-promoting monster, however...

When he is not being a human bullhorn for truth, justice, and the American Way, Teddy is a gentle, caring man, and a great listener.

You know you want him, and pay no never mind to his playful coyness, this charming Harvard grad knows that you want him too...

Congratulations and Godspeed to Sen. Ted Cruz.  This week's, IWS Person of the Week!!

Don't forget to catch Jay and Matt on the IWS Radio Show today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio. They have a HUGE line-up for you on this week's Cussin' the Egg Rolls episode.  How so, you ask? Well...

Today is Confucius Day kids! How exciting is that?  Confucius' lesser known brother Profucius will be with us to share his very special kind of wisdom with our vast and diverse worldwide audience along with celebrating all that is great about China. We'll also be checking in to see if Ted Cruz is still talking, and have a special edition of The McLaughlin Group!

We'll explore the Sensual Side of Life with Drew Peacock and of course visit the Poet's Corner with Paul Piatt, AAAAAANNNNDDDD a first ever "Smugly Superior w/ Dana" report!

It's also International Coffee Day and National River something day so we'll have a few thoughts on that too.

Plus, we'll take YOUR CALLS!!!

You can join the fun and hilarity LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET by clicking HERE!!

Matt Said Jay Said 3

Matt pops a cork…Jay taps a keg…You celebrate with us.

Matt:  Hiya Chuckles!!
Jay:  What’s up?
Matt:  I’m getting excited about our big 3rd Year Anniversary Show this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET.
Jay:  IKR?  This show is gonna be bigger and hotter than the flames coming out of your ass after eating a can of Beefaroni!!

Matt:  I just had a flashback thank you very much, but you’re right.
Jay:  Man, can you believe it?  Three years of non-stop laughs and top notch journalism.
Matt:  IKR?  It’s like we’re the FOX News of Blog Talk Radio, only we have top notch journalism.

Jay:  True…They could learn a thing or two from us…like being
Matt:  Like what?  FOX News being fair and balanced?  That’s crazy talk!!
Jay:  A man can dream, can’t he?
Matt: I suppose, but let’s try to stay in a relative realm of reality.

Jay:  Word.  So, this anniversary show…the accolades having been pouring into us from many celebs.
Matt:  Oh I know…I received one today from San Diego Mayor Bob Filner.
Jay:  Wow…I have already received congrats from Rick Perry, Roseanne, and Ted Cruz.
Matt:  Freaking awesome.  Dig this Jayman; John McCain sent us THREE statements of kind words!!
Jay:  That’s so cute, but guess what?
Matt:  What?

Jay:  President Obama just now sent us one as well!!
Matt:  Get outta here.
Jay:  If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’!!
Matt:  This is HUGE!!

Jay:  We need to play these and the warm words from others in power, for our loyal audience.
Matt:  We sure as hell will, along with playing our fave files and moments from Season 3.
Jay:  Nothing wrong with a Sunday stroll down Memory Lane.

Matt:  I’m sure Guy Ahnyurdyck, Slyder Balzcock, and maybe even Kim Fragile will chime in.

Jay:  And Joshua, Rev. Moneymaker, Bobby Kraft are probably mixing and mincing up some words.

Matt:  And of course Jayman, you know who truly needs to be involved and celebrated…

Jay:  Damn Right!!  The listeners…who without fail, make us the Number One Comedy show nearly every week.

Matt:  We will have shout out and tributes galore to those fine folks
Jay:  As it should be, and we can touch on what is in store for Season Four.
Matt:  Poetically said Jayman.
Jay:  Rhyming is my Bitch.
Matt:  Word.

Jay:  So let’s get ready to party tomorrow, Sunday August 25th on Blog Talk Radio…
Matt:  As IWS Radio presents its Season 3 Finale LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET.
Jay:  Listen LIVE, hit the Chat Room, and of course Matt-Man…

Matt:  Call-In LIVE at 661.244.9852

Jay:  How do they get to the party, my good man?
Matt:  They can get there by clicking HERE.

Jay and Matt:  Holaaaaaa and Cheeeeeers!!

Ted Cruz is a Canadian, but His Citizenship Can be Bought

Greetings my American friends, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper here for I’m With Stupid.

I am humbly honored to have been permitted by Jay and Matt to use their mildly popular and nearly worldwide forum so that I may pontificate calmly comment upon an almost serious matter that slightly concerns both of our above average nations.

As I, like my fellow Canadians, am a polite and mild-mannered person, I have ambivalent emotions about publicly writing on what I am about to say, but…

As this is an issue of tepid importance, I feel that I must.  I mean, if that’s okay with you guys.  If it is not, please turn away now and perhaps click onto the gentle and heartfelt reflections of IWS’ very own Paul Piatt.

It seems that U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was born within the confines of our neatly, yet not at all ostentatious borders to a Cuban father and American mother.  While some in our country would consider him to be of, dare I say, rascally lineage, Sen. Cruz while an American, does have the official status of being a Canadian citizen as well.

Now as many of you Americans know, Sen. Cruz has his Cuban/Canadian eyes on running for President in 2016, so Mr. Cruz has stated gleefully (which is an adjective that Canadians are unaccustomed to) that in order to show his oneness of patriotism to America, he would renounce his Canadian citizenship.

While to us Canadians, that could be taken as a gentle slap to our collective cheek, we as Canadians, are all about and accepting of, individuality and the personal space and thoughts of others.

So, out of respect for Sen. Ted Cruz, his selfish ambitions, and his dislike for Canada, he is free to come to Canada, or any Canadian embassy, fill out the legal citizenship renunciation form, and pay the $100 fee.

However…

While we Canadians don’t like to rock the boat nor curry favors from others...in this case?  I am going to have to put some caveats on his renunciation prior to it going forward.

You see?

The Democrats in America know that Cruz has two, maybe three citizenships, and because of that, even the most tannin of tea partiers will not vote for him in the primaries.  However, Democrats would like nothing more than to see an unelectable Ted Cruz get the Republican nomination in 2016.

If the Democrats and the Obama administration want us to allow him to renounce his citizenship so that it bolsters his bona fides among Republican primary voters, we want a little sumpin sumpin in return before allowing him to step foot into our country or into one of our embassies in order to fill out the legal and requisite paperwork.

Here are but a few items that we are demanding, and they must be done by September 1…

In any and all official U.S. government documents we want to be referred to as, Exciting and Exotic Canada.

Just for Canadians, we want you to devalue your currency so that more Canadians are able to visit your strip clubs, steal your license plates, and pee on your front lawns.

We want an airtight dome installed over Detroit so that our citizens in Windsor don’t have to suffer from the stench and the heartache emanating from the Motorless City.

We will, by Parliamentary voice vote, revoke the Canadian citizenship of Justin Bieber, and grant him American citizenship, and you must honor it.

Your Congress will by proclamation in perpetuity, make September 1st, National When Canada Influenced the United States and Made Ted Cruz Its Bitch Day.

On American FM radio stations between 6 and 9 PM on Fridays, only songs by Rush and Triumph are allowed to be played.

That motherfuckin’ Ted Cruz is a crazy insane bastard, but to me and my fellow Canadians, he’s gold.

So let’s see some bling, America…The curling stone of renunciation is on your ice.

Sincerely,

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page