Sore Throats and Satire Do Not Mix

Cheeeeeeeeers and a Happy Thursday to you all, and you damn well better be happy. because for the next few days I shall be living vicariously through you!!

I have a sore throat.  A sore throat from Hell, and I mean it is literally a sore throat from Hell, because I hear that the Devil has Menorah-like hemorrhoids that burn for days upon end, and well…

I evidently have Satan’s, blood red ass cherries firmly lodged in my throat as they turn my uvula into what looks like a tiny, yet swollen red incandescent light bulb, and leaves my trachea feeling like the 4-Methylcyclohexane Methanol laced Kanawha River in West By God Virginia

Yep, that’s the state of my throat, and as many of us know, sore throats are among the most annoying non-life threatening afflictions with which we deal, because…

Sore throats while they last, are constant.  Sore throats are omnipresent.  An active sore throats mock us, because unlike having the flu when one just lies down and sleeps it away, the sore throat allows one to remain active.

I may be a bit tired, but I am still awake enough and able enough to go to work, and yet?  My throat is fucking killing me!!

And you know what I have discovered during this inflamed throat episode?

I never realized how often I swallow during the day, when not eating nor drinking.  Holy Cow, the average person evidently does a swallow reflex out of habit 10,000 times a day.  And?

And with each swallow, laugh, and/or cough, I cry…just a little…both inside and out.

And let me tell you.  It has affected my skills as a world-class satirist.  Oh Yeah.

See, because of the annoying and constant pain, I cannot focus on the humor at hand that our good God has given us the last couple of days, and let me tell ya…

There’s a Noah’s Ark full of funny out there that transpired just in the past 48 hours.

Justin Bieber for instance…He tried to pull a Richard Marx and act like a total 5’7” badass by driving drunk in a rented Lamborghini and got arrested for DUI and resisting arrest.  Resisting arrest?

How many resisting arrest jokes are there to be made involving Justin Bieber?  Thousands!!  And I cannot concentrate enough due to my sore throat in order to put them to pen.

How does a 5’7” Pixie-Stix of a Canadian resist a burly Miami police officer?  By threatening to sing to him? See?  While probably true, it’s not very funny.  Thanks, Mr. Sore Throat.

And then late yesterday, former Gov. Mike Huckabee told the audience at the RNC Winter Meeting that women have been led to believe (by Democrats) that they need an Uncle Sugar and free birth control pills because woman cannot control their own libido.

The fact of the matter is that The Huckster doesn’t want women to have any birth control because GAWD wants them barefoot and pregnant, because well, that’s God’s plan.  Just ask the incestuous daughters of Lot and their alcoholic father!!

See?  This Huckabee crap is primetime joke-ready funny, and what do I have? Not a damn thing, because I am distracted by Satan’s Hemorrhoids inside my throat.

You would think that if Satan put his ass berries in my throat he would give me something funny to say about God’s Chosen One, Mike Huckabee, but no…Satan wants to merely torture me like the next guy.

However, I can get this out before I gargle once again with salt water and Wild Irish Rose…

Governor Huckabee, if your daughter Sarah was dating Justin Bieber, wouldn’t you want her on the strongest form of birth control that your Tea Party, Christian Coalition, and Super Pac money could buy?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Sleepy Time is a Scary Time

Hola y’all! Man, I have all kinds of issues in the bedroom. I’m talking about sleeping issues you pervs! Sheesh! Anyway, every night it’s a struggle to get to sleep and often times to stay asleep. I go through periods where it takes FOREVER to get to sleep, but then I sleep just fine. Then, I go through stretches where I got straight to sleep but wake up two hours later and can’t get back to sleep.

Lately though I’ve combined those two problems. It takes me a long time to finally get to sleep and then I wake up after a couple of hours and spend the rest of the night in that weird space in between sleep and awake. It’s like I’m dreaming that I’m lying there in bed trying to sleep listening to my radio, but I’m not dreaming, it’s real. Does that make any sense?

I’m thinking maybe I need to change up my routine. Each night at 10 pm I complain that Olbermann isn’t on ESP2 because some stupid sporting event went long. Then I turn it over to Conan and don’t laugh at whatever he’s doing. At 10:30 I turn on Arsenio Hall and spend thirty minutes wondering why his new show is so bland and boring. At 11 I check to see who is on Leno, Letterman and Kimmel while also seeing that the daily post on this blog has gone “Live” and then tweet the link to the masses.

If nobody cool is on Leno, Letterman or Kimmel (most nights) then I either watch C.O.P.S. for a bit while monitoring Twitter or just go on to bed. Once I’m in bed the war starts. My mind starts going a million miles an hour and I can’t seem to settle it down. I start out flat on my back, then when my back stops hurting, I roll over onto my right side until my back starts to hurt again. Then I roll over onto my left side until either my back hurts again or I feel like I’m about to fall asleep.

It’s very important for me make sure I’m NOT lying on my left side when I finally fall asleep. If I’m on my left side I will have crazy-ass dreams. Like the other night when I dreamed I was living in a trailer and was trying to go to sleep in a bed right up against a window in a small room. Just as I was about to fall asleep I saw these freaky hands pushing the window open. When I sat up and looked out the window I saw these people who looked like a cross between the Children of the Corn and Boo Radley.  *Shudder*

At least they were human-ish this time. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve dreamed about talking animals. I’m not talking about cool talking animals like Mr. Ed either y’all. I’m talking about snakes and other freaky animals that are saying some mean shit to me. They threaten me or tell me how much I suck and stuff like that. Never cool animals like dogs or giraffes either. It’s always a really crappy animal that talks shit to me. Weird, huh?

Of course none of this would be a problem if these dreams were sexy, but they almost never are. What’s up with that? Sure, I occasionally have a hot dream starring Helen Mirren or Susan Sarandon, but very rarely. Maybe the problem is that I’m sober? Shit, I didn’t even think about that. Hmm … I think I may have solved my problem.

Never mind y’all.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

In other news "Food, Sex and Farm Animals" was an EPIC episode of IWS Radio! We took on the threat to our freedom that is the recommended serving sizes of most foods. Then we tried to call Campbell Soup and the FDA to get to the bottom of this with HILARIOUS results! Also, Brown Beasley called in and we got an AWESOME Canada Report from the lovely Jamie. You gotta check this one out!! 

New Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Ted Cruz is a Canadian, but His Citizenship Can be Bought

Greetings my American friends, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper here for I’m With Stupid.

I am humbly honored to have been permitted by Jay and Matt to use their mildly popular and nearly worldwide forum so that I may pontificate calmly comment upon an almost serious matter that slightly concerns both of our above average nations.

As I, like my fellow Canadians, am a polite and mild-mannered person, I have ambivalent emotions about publicly writing on what I am about to say, but…

As this is an issue of tepid importance, I feel that I must.  I mean, if that’s okay with you guys.  If it is not, please turn away now and perhaps click onto the gentle and heartfelt reflections of IWS’ very own Paul Piatt.

It seems that U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was born within the confines of our neatly, yet not at all ostentatious borders to a Cuban father and American mother.  While some in our country would consider him to be of, dare I say, rascally lineage, Sen. Cruz while an American, does have the official status of being a Canadian citizen as well.

Now as many of you Americans know, Sen. Cruz has his Cuban/Canadian eyes on running for President in 2016, so Mr. Cruz has stated gleefully (which is an adjective that Canadians are unaccustomed to) that in order to show his oneness of patriotism to America, he would renounce his Canadian citizenship.

While to us Canadians, that could be taken as a gentle slap to our collective cheek, we as Canadians, are all about and accepting of, individuality and the personal space and thoughts of others.

So, out of respect for Sen. Ted Cruz, his selfish ambitions, and his dislike for Canada, he is free to come to Canada, or any Canadian embassy, fill out the legal citizenship renunciation form, and pay the $100 fee.

However…

While we Canadians don’t like to rock the boat nor curry favors from others...in this case?  I am going to have to put some caveats on his renunciation prior to it going forward.

You see?

The Democrats in America know that Cruz has two, maybe three citizenships, and because of that, even the most tannin of tea partiers will not vote for him in the primaries.  However, Democrats would like nothing more than to see an unelectable Ted Cruz get the Republican nomination in 2016.

If the Democrats and the Obama administration want us to allow him to renounce his citizenship so that it bolsters his bona fides among Republican primary voters, we want a little sumpin sumpin in return before allowing him to step foot into our country or into one of our embassies in order to fill out the legal and requisite paperwork.

Here are but a few items that we are demanding, and they must be done by September 1…

In any and all official U.S. government documents we want to be referred to as, Exciting and Exotic Canada.

Just for Canadians, we want you to devalue your currency so that more Canadians are able to visit your strip clubs, steal your license plates, and pee on your front lawns.

We want an airtight dome installed over Detroit so that our citizens in Windsor don’t have to suffer from the stench and the heartache emanating from the Motorless City.

We will, by Parliamentary voice vote, revoke the Canadian citizenship of Justin Bieber, and grant him American citizenship, and you must honor it.

Your Congress will by proclamation in perpetuity, make September 1st, National When Canada Influenced the United States and Made Ted Cruz Its Bitch Day.

On American FM radio stations between 6 and 9 PM on Fridays, only songs by Rush and Triumph are allowed to be played.

That motherfuckin’ Ted Cruz is a crazy insane bastard, but to me and my fellow Canadians, he’s gold.

So let’s see some bling, America…The curling stone of renunciation is on your ice.

Sincerely,

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page 

Justin Bieber is a Dumbfuck

"Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber."

--Justin Bieber

“Justin Bieber is an unaware, stupid, and shallow corporate dumbfuck.”

--Matt-Man

Y’know?

I don’t often comment about celebs and their IQs whether they be high or in today’s case, incredibly low, but Justin Bieber has set the high jump bar of human intelligence to six inches…okay maybe four…or two.

Ha…Justin Bieber made the aforementioned remark when he visited Anne Frank’s house, but Justin Bieber hasn’t a clue as to who Anne Frank is or what she represents, and if he comes out and says he misspoke, he’s lying.

The little, effeminate Canadian dude has been nothing more than a, “pre and barely pubescent quasi-gay guy, who can appeal to teen girls” music corporation without feeling, teaching, or personal experience, for years now.

And he digs it, and of course who wouldn’t; I mean, I’d love to make his millions, but man…how can a person go through life being so fucking stupid, and not care?

And in addition to hoping that the late Jewish girl Anne Frank would be a Belieber in spite her death at the hands of the Nazis, he is touting debit cards for teens!!

Yep, that’s right…

(Bieber) inked a lucrative deal with BillMyParents to endorse its teen-focused SpendSmart prepaid card, for which he is reportedly being paid $3.75 million for a 14-month contract, plus monthly royalties linked to the growth of the card, and an option to buy two million SpendSmart shares. --FOX News

Justin Bieber is nothing more than a non-musical piece of corporate shit.  A pretty boy, with pretty hair, who is transgender, and can fill the seats…be they in a concert hall or a credit card blitz.

Sad…and you know why?

Maybe The Biebs (I hear he likes to be called that) has some talent…but how can one see it, feel it, or hear it, above all of  the corporate handling and money changing!?

Y’know, though…the worst thing is…

Bieber doesn’t know who the Hell Anne Frank was.  And sadly, neither do the people who sent him to Anne Frank’s home.  They just wanted some publicity for their meal ticket, and for whatever reason, Anne Frank is 1940’s cool with the Biebs’ generation of  sexually and musically confused guys and gals.

Here’s the thing, I can totally see me or the Jayman making an IWS promo involving Anne Frank, but you know what…We know who she is and what happened and it would be satirical.

You on the other hand, Mr. Teen Age Canadian of Ambiguous Sexual Persuasion, try to praise, yet unfortunately offend the legacy of Anne Frank, because, well…you’re stupid and always will be.

The worst thing is…you are probably sitting in a posh hotel room somewhere, and you don’t give a fuck.

After all, you didn’t know who Anne Frank was before you “visited her”, why should you care now?

And yesterday?  Pfffffft...Jay and I kicked off Sarcasm Awareness Week on BTR.  Our Radio show was jacked and/or hammed or whatever they call it it now, but seriously?  You should listen...

Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Cheers!! Matt-Man mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

IWS Babe of the Week...It's Raining Men

It’s Sunday , so it’s IWS Babe of the Week Day, however…

We’re changing it up a bit and giving the ladies a little eye candy this Sunday, because on today’s IWS radio show at Noon ET, Matt-Man and Jayman will be asking:

“What Do Women Want?”

Perhaps some of you women enjoy refined, dignified, and more than slightly experienced uber-men like Sean Connery…

Or, perhaps some women go all 180 and prefer a pretty little, wo-man-teen-boy like Justin Bieber…

Then again…

Maybe you like a sense of humor, so you opt for a caring, yet funny man, like Chris Rock…

Or these two funny guys…

Some women, like many men, are turned on by scholarly types, like Stephen Hawking…

Or of course, America’s Libertarian genius, Glenn Beck…

Some women, shallowly like to hear whatever they want, and in that case, Mitt Romney is a fine choice…

Of course, some women like the bad boy types and want to hang out with sexy criminals who are trying to destroy America, like this foreign-born terrorist…

Then again, some women just want plain, down to Earth, sexy like George Clooney…

What’s not to like?  He’s cool.

But in order to find out what women truly want in a man, you need to join us live on IWS Radio today at Noon ET, as Matt and Jay ask, “What Do Women Want?”

It’s gonna be a huge show, so ladies…you better have your Glenn Beck/Stephen Hawking loving asses listening and calling in at 661.244.9852, and tell us what you want.

Until today at Noon ET…

Cheers!!
.

Justin Bieber...I Want to be a Young Dad...Or Something

Peace In, IWS fans. Justin Bieber here to tell you what I told Women’s Wear Daily the other day:

By 25 or 26, I want to see myself, like, married or start looking for a family…I want to be a young dad.

Yeah that’s right. I know. You’re probably thinking…

“Justin Bieber!? A seventeen year old international superstar wants to chuck it all in just a few years and start a family?”

Listen up, listen up, listen uuuuuuup…Yeah, I do, and let me tell you. Even for somebody as famous and adored as me, it’s not going to be easy.

First of all, I’ll have to find someone who at 25 or so is also ready to settle down. Who wants to settle down and marry at age 25? It’s not like we’re living in the 80’s anymore.

Some have speculated that perhaps Selena Gomez and I will still be together and ready to start a family. C’mon peeps, let’s all publicly acknowledge the 800 pound gorilla named Brice that sits in my dressing room.

Sel-Go may be hot and all that, but she lacks that one important thing the Biebster truly needs in a life partner…Gorilla Meat…and The Biebster is aching for some Shaka Zulu Jungle Love.

What? You’re shocked? Jesus Christ…I’m GAY, folks. I am as queer as a firm, thick, North Pole winter’s night is lonnnng.

Look at me for Godssakes…

I look just like MSNBC talking head lesbian Rachel Maddow…

Only prettier.

Why do you think I told Women’s Wear Daily that by the time I am 25 that I want to start LOOKING for a family? I can’t physically have my own kids; I’ll have to shop around and buy them.

Hell, even if I could physically have kids, I wouldn’t, because the Biebster ain’t having no stretch marks on this boy toy body.

I know…I know…The Biebster has been hanging out with manly mac daddies like Usher and the such, how the hell could I be gay? It’s who I am, and after all, I am Canadian, so…well…you know.

So, what have we learned? I’m gay. I want to settle down by the time I’m 25, and I want to be a young mom dad mom. That’s my dream.

Please don’t shatter or ridicule The Biebster’s dream.

I mean sure, being an international sensation is great, but it can’t compare to the high I’ll get when I trade recipes and engage in catty talk with other soccer moms, as I watch my perfect kids score a goal or two.

The roar of an appreciative crowd is a great sound, but to me, the greatest sound of all will be to hear the pitter patter of little feet running around as my man looks at me and says, “C’mere, my little pet goat.”

Mmmmmmmmm. Me likey.

Peace Out,

The Future Justina Bieber