Sore Throats and Satire Do Not Mix

Cheeeeeeeeers and a Happy Thursday to you all, and you damn well better be happy. because for the next few days I shall be living vicariously through you!!

I have a sore throat.  A sore throat from Hell, and I mean it is literally a sore throat from Hell, because I hear that the Devil has Menorah-like hemorrhoids that burn for days upon end, and well…

I evidently have Satan’s, blood red ass cherries firmly lodged in my throat as they turn my uvula into what looks like a tiny, yet swollen red incandescent light bulb, and leaves my trachea feeling like the 4-Methylcyclohexane Methanol laced Kanawha River in West By God Virginia

Yep, that’s the state of my throat, and as many of us know, sore throats are among the most annoying non-life threatening afflictions with which we deal, because…

Sore throats while they last, are constant.  Sore throats are omnipresent.  An active sore throats mock us, because unlike having the flu when one just lies down and sleeps it away, the sore throat allows one to remain active.

I may be a bit tired, but I am still awake enough and able enough to go to work, and yet?  My throat is fucking killing me!!

And you know what I have discovered during this inflamed throat episode?

I never realized how often I swallow during the day, when not eating nor drinking.  Holy Cow, the average person evidently does a swallow reflex out of habit 10,000 times a day.  And?

And with each swallow, laugh, and/or cough, I cry…just a little…both inside and out.

And let me tell you.  It has affected my skills as a world-class satirist.  Oh Yeah.

See, because of the annoying and constant pain, I cannot focus on the humor at hand that our good God has given us the last couple of days, and let me tell ya…

There’s a Noah’s Ark full of funny out there that transpired just in the past 48 hours.

Justin Bieber for instance…He tried to pull a Richard Marx and act like a total 5’7” badass by driving drunk in a rented Lamborghini and got arrested for DUI and resisting arrest.  Resisting arrest?

How many resisting arrest jokes are there to be made involving Justin Bieber?  Thousands!!  And I cannot concentrate enough due to my sore throat in order to put them to pen.

How does a 5’7” Pixie-Stix of a Canadian resist a burly Miami police officer?  By threatening to sing to him? See?  While probably true, it’s not very funny.  Thanks, Mr. Sore Throat.

And then late yesterday, former Gov. Mike Huckabee told the audience at the RNC Winter Meeting that women have been led to believe (by Democrats) that they need an Uncle Sugar and free birth control pills because woman cannot control their own libido.

The fact of the matter is that The Huckster doesn’t want women to have any birth control because GAWD wants them barefoot and pregnant, because well, that’s God’s plan.  Just ask the incestuous daughters of Lot and their alcoholic father!!

See?  This Huckabee crap is primetime joke-ready funny, and what do I have? Not a damn thing, because I am distracted by Satan’s Hemorrhoids inside my throat.

You would think that if Satan put his ass berries in my throat he would give me something funny to say about God’s Chosen One, Mike Huckabee, but no…Satan wants to merely torture me like the next guy.

However, I can get this out before I gargle once again with salt water and Wild Irish Rose…

Governor Huckabee, if your daughter Sarah was dating Justin Bieber, wouldn’t you want her on the strongest form of birth control that your Tea Party, Christian Coalition, and Super Pac money could buy?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

I Just Want to Feel Human Again

Cheers Guys…a very under the weather Matt-Man coming to you here on the pages of the IWS website today.

Of course…there was no need for me to tell you that this is the IWS website; you already knew that.  See?

I am not well at all, and perhaps a bit of delirium is beginning to set in along with my other maladies.

I have a wicked sore throat, I am certain that the pain resembles what chicks experienced when making porn flicks with Ron Jeremy.

I am hot and then cold…sweating, and then freezing…and sometimes, both at the same time.  My body temperature is vacillating nearly as much as Mitt Romney’s stances on critical policy issues.

And My Body Itself?  Oh Dear God My Body!!

From what’s left of my hair, down to my toes it all hurts.  My body feels like it just spent thirty-six straight hours of having sex with Rosie O’Donnell, and she was on top the entire time.

I am broken, tired, and in pain, but alas, I shall try to carry on, but seriously?  This shit is tagging my ass and wiping me out with the same speed and effectiveness of an Amish barn raising.

And if it doesn’t rain today, I will be unable to call off sick, because the Beer Mine owner also farms.  It’s a no-win situation.

The only silver lining in all of this?

It’s nice to know that my BFF/OSP, Schmoop, is there when I need her, and I didn’t even have to ask.

She called to see if I needed anything while working Monday, and ended up bringing me more clothes and more flu/sore throat drugs.

I think she was more than happy to do that because when she asked me if I needed anything…Rather than my typical reply of, “No, I’ll be fine.”, I said, “Yes.”

She gets worried when I actually admit to not feeling well, and in an odd way, I find that to be quite endearing, so, Thanks Schmooooop!!

That’s all I have; my ass is ready for another round of pills, a big glug glug of cold water, and more sleep.

Yours in Christ, and pass the Ny-Quil…

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS