Headlines, Get Your Headlines Here!!

Every time I have trouble of thinking of a topic on which to write, I always think of how Jayman writes funny headlines once in awhile.  I have threatened to do so myself in the past, and today as I had no grist in my mill last night, I offer these headlines that I would like to see…

Local Man in Ebola Video Goes Viral

Lee Majors To Reprise Role in New Warner Bros. Pic, The 1.6 Billion Dollar Man: Adjusted For Inflation

Merger Between Cialis and Viagra Produces World’s First Eight Hour Erection

Brussel Sprouts Enjoyed By Local First Grader

Liquor Store Owner Shoots Wild Turkey

The Words Virgin Mary Spontaneously Appear in Bowl of Alphabet Soup

MSNBC’s Ronan Farrow Daily Finally Garners First Viewer

ISIS Informant Reportedly Totally Hacked Off

A Clean And Sober Rob Ford To Run For Mayor of Gary, Indiana

Sierra Leone Renames Capital City To Stenchville

Dick Morris Predicts That The Next Pope Will Be a Presbyterian

Political Pundit Dick Morris Gunned Down By Drunken Catholic League President Bill Donohue

By Unanimous Vote, The U.S. House and Senate Agree To Outsource Their Legislative Duties

And lastly…

Trick-or-Treat Cancelled Due To Christmas Preparations

There ya have it…All the news that fits.  Enjoy your Tuesday and hey…let’s be careful out there, lest we become a headline ourselves.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Funny(ish) Headlines Never Get Old ... Right?

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! We’re back! I know you missed us! What better way to ease back into the day-to-day grind of blogging than to do some Funny(ish) Onion-Like (not really) Headlines!

“Congressman indicted on federal criminal charges. Legal problems not expected to affect his re-election chances.”

“People shocked and appalled to find that an NBA owner who was exposed as a raging racist at least 30 years ago says something racist.”

“Vatican holds “make one guy a saint, make another free” sale.”

“From Genghis Khan to Napoleon to Francisco Franco to Vladimir Putin: A History of Short Assholes Screwing the World Up.”

“Avril Lavigne Flying High After Success of New Song ‘Hello Kitty’ off Her Latest CD, ‘Wet’s Get Cwazy!’”

“Area man with large penis wonders if social media will help him ‘get the word out.’”

“Fast Food and Snack Production Companies Prepare to Gear Up for Large Scale Marijuana Legalization.”

“Blogger Wonders How She Can Use Click Bait While Maintaining Her ‘I Write Only For Myself’ Integrity.”

“Ben Affleck: ‘I’m Going to Keep Acting in Movies and There’s Nothing You Can Do to Stop Me.’”

“Obama: ‘Did I Promise Net Neutrality? Oh Well, Sorry I’m Not Sorry.’”

“Area Republican Who Supported Cliven Bundy Offended That People Think He Supports Cliven Bundy.”

“Daniel Snyder on Donald Sterling: ‘Now THAT’S a Racist!’”

“High School Boy Apologizes to His Family in Advance for His Upcoming Career as a Ventriloquist.”

“Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Inquire About Adopting Lupita Nyong’o.”

“Area Man Apologizes to Other Men for Participating in ‘Meatless Mondays.’”

“Actress Shailene ‘Boner Killer’ Woodley Says She Likes to ‘Dance Around with Hairy Armpits.’”

“Illegal Aliens Relived to Discover They’re Exempt From Obamacare.”

“Nancy Grace Struggling to Find Things to Talk About on Her Show Blames Lack of Missing White Women.”

“Very Lonely, Average-Looking Woman Convinced Every Man She Meets Wants Her.”

“Doctors Declare Miley Cyrus’ Tongue Cured. Release Her From Hospital.”

“Legendary Playboy George Clooney Gets Engaged! ‘I’m Getting Old and Have Nothing Left to Live For Anyway’ Says Clooney.”

Aaaaaaaaaaaand that’s enough.

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Funny Headlines Have Returned Yet Again!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It’s time for more headlines!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

LeBron James says he belongs on the Mt. Rushmore of the NBA. When asked where it is replies “Damn, I don’t know … Colorado?”

CDC says 2,739 American women have injured themselves trying to dace like Beyoncé did at the Grammy’s.

President Obama laughs uncontrollably as he can’t stop making “short jokes” at Vladimir Putin’s expense.

NFL prospect Michael Sam clarifies his announcement that he’s gay: “I’m more ‘Rock Hudson’ gay, not ‘Johnny Weir’ gay.

Pope Francis says it’s important to love the homeless. Homeless say that’s nice but “we can’t buy 211’s with love, man.”

Men’s Doubles Luge outlawed in Kansas.

Ted Cruz demands to know if Obama pronounces it “tomato” or “tomahto” before committing to one side or the other.

In shocking development, talk radio caller remembers to turn down his radio first.

Area woman is sick and tired of men with “scruffy beards.”

Sad, lonely man puts up a good front pretending not to care about Valentine’s Day.

Male prostitute uses hidden shotgun in the headboard trick to rob johns.

Rand Paul missed the debt ceiling vote because we out trying to find the perfect Valentine’s Day gift to give himself.

President Obama still angry over not winning any southern states in 2012 orders up a series of winter storms as punishment.

Americans intrigued by Olympic Curling say it could become popular here if it can be made more violent.

Arkansas County Quorum Court finds laws to be too confusing so everyone just goes home.

CNN gets into the scripted show business because nobody gives a shit about the news anyway.

Amanda Knox turns down sweet job offer as tour guide for Perillo Tours of Italy.

Comcast and Time Warner Cable agree to a merger promise half the service and quality with twice the shittiness.

New Yorkers angry that Mayor de Blasio didn’t order schools closed during snowstorm. De Blasio replies “Who knew Al Roker would be right?”

Facebook announces users will have 50 gender options. “Other” not one of them.

2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition to be delivered with some pages “pre-stuck together.”

Area man can’t explain why he finds curling so damn fascinating, he just does.

Okay, that’s enough.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Another Round of Headlines Coming Right Up!

Hola y’all! Hey! I know what we can do! Let’s do some funny(ish) headlines. Okay? Okay!

Gay men in 16 states suddenly feeling societal pressure to get married and settle down.

KKK disavows any connection the GOP. “They’re ruining our image” says Grand Wizard.

INFp man sits quietly at homeowner’s association meeting and never brings up his list of grievances.

Special Investigative Report: Christians Be Mingling.

“Ellen Page Cute” added as new highest level of cuteness.

Equate’s new generic Sudafed to say “Compare to the name brand ingredients in Meth” on the box.

Israel puts hands in pockets, looks to sky and whistles innocently after report claims that Yasser Arafat was poisoned. 

Message board commenter convinces himself he could both coach and play QB for his favorite team, no problem.

Newly elected Governor of Virginia Terry McAuliffe guarantees he can make it to inaugural day without being indicted, maybe a few months longer.

To trip up the NSA Vice President Joe Biden speaks only in Pig Latin during phone calls.

Germaphobe horrified to discover that sex isn’t nearly as clean and easy as it is depicted on TV and in the movies.

Local Postmaster denies post office is responsible for mail deliveries.

Teenager shocked to realize she can make phone calls on iPhone that she’s had for a year.

CBS announces new sitcom set to debut in 2014 titled “How I Met Your Mother’s Two Broke Girls Theory”

Paris Hilton finds out that slavery existed and is now sad and angry...

Just watched #12YearsASlave. It made me so sad, angry & disgusted that people could ever treat others in such a horrible way. :( #SoWrong
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) November 6, 2013

NFL kicker thinks “screw it, I’m trying an onside kick here” with little success.

Bored Circuit Court judge decides to replace “the witness is excused” with “get the fuck outta here.”

Elderly man just can’t figure out Netflix’s broadcast schedule.

It’s Official: There’s Nothing Left to Put Pumpkin In.

Man dismayed to discover that his Favestar stars and retweets don’t look that impressive on his resume.

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In other funny news, you should totally check out “Games People Play” on IWS Radio! We talked about all our favorite games from board games to card games to mind games and even to flag football and pick-up basketball. Plus we heard from Bobby Kraft, the Rev Moneymaker (who went looooooooong on his sermon this week), Poetry ‘n Such w/ Paul Piatt and some blasts from the game playing past!

Current Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

OMG! Even MORE Funny(ish) Headlines!

Holaaaaaaaa bitches! It’s time once again for a round of funny(ish) headlines! Try to hold down the excitement, will ya?

- Dept. of Justice investigation finds that the NSA violated George Zimmerman’s civil rights.

- Obama gives up and grows a Hitler mustache.

- Jenny McCarthy excited about new job as co-host on “The View.” “Think of all the kids I can kill with this

kind of exposure!!”

- Miley Cyrus apologizes for wearing bra under her tight shirt in public. Says it won’t happen again.

- Kim Kardashian freaks out over loss of popularity, renames her kid Trayvon Martin Kardashian-West.

- P.E.D scandal mars The ESPY’s as a reporter notices host Jon Hamm’s bottle of Viagra in locker backstage.

- Amanda Bynes seen buying “The Rhyming Dictionary” at local mall in preparation for her new rap career.

- “Vincent Sand Gogh” wins World Championship of Sand Sculpting in Atlantic City. “Sandy Vagina” fails to place for the 25^th consecutive year.

- OUTRAGEOUS McDonald’s “budget” for workers making minimum wage suggests just giving dancers a single at the stage and forgoing lap dances.

- ESPN lawyers up in preparation for firing Keith Olbermann soon after his new shows debuts on ESPN2 in August.

- Juror B37: “Okay, I admit it. I let George Zimmerman’s raw sexual magnetism cloud my judgment.”

- Emma Roberts tries out new way of promoting upcoming movie “We’re the Millers” by getting arrested for beating the shit out

of her boyfriend.

- Area man writes congressman demanding that the government dramatically increase funding for hemorrhoid research.

- MLB announces that former Egyptian President Mohammad Morsi will replace Bug Selig as Commissioner after Selig retires or, preferably, dies.

- City council realizes they have very few items on agenda, starts making shit up.

- Sad, lonely man starts friendship ring on Facebook.

- Area woman shocked to discover that people are still blogging.

- “Forbes Magazine” names Robert Downey Jr. as America’s highest paid ex-con.

And that’s all I’ve got.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS

OMG! More Funny and Sexy Headlines!

Hola y’all! You know what goes great with Memorial Day, cookouts, baseball and beer? Another round of clever headlines! Hell yes! Okay, here we go…

- Area man concerned his aging parents will never figure out how to use Facebook.

- CNN correspondents struggling to act as if they’ve heard of Oklahoma City or can even find Oklahoma on a map.

- Arkansas man unable to get a decent night’s sleep because he is just sooooo worried about Amanda Bynes

- Almost four months later, Secretary of State John Kerry is finally ready to wrap up his swearing in speech.

- ABC News runs special dramatic coverage of their special dramatic coverage on the Moore, Oklahoma tornado.

- Area woman growing increasingly frustrated because she just doesn’t believe “heroes” should need that “e.”

- Tornadoes continue to pound states that nobody lives in voluntarily.

- Pop star stuns crowd by lip syncing at awards show.

- Ole Miss suspends starting quarterback for refusing to cheat on final exams.

- Artsy film nobody will see wins Palme d’Or at Cannes Film Festival.

- John McCain visits Syrian Rebels on Memorial Day and declares that the only way to honor America’s war dead is to make more of them.

- Danica Patrick wrecks for the 35^th consecutive time. Declares that none of them have been her fault.

- NBA star Dwight Howard struggling to decide which team he wants to ruin next.

- Carnival Cruise Lines celebrates five straight cruises without incident. A new record!

- President Obama tries to distract the media from his scandals by emailing them stories about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford every morning.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

Oh hey! You know what would be a great idea? Listening to “SomeGave All” on IWS Radio from last Sunday. It was a great show with our special guests Jamie and Jesse! Lots of Memorial Day and cookout talk along with poetry, history lessons and our new sponsor Incestry.com!!! Check it out … 

Listen to internet radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

OMG! More Onion-Like Headlines?

Hola y’all! I got nothing. So, that means it’s time for another round of Headlines. Please try to hold down the excitement!

- Area woman pretends to fall for husband’s April Fool’s joke for 27^th consecutive year.

- Retiring yoga instructor says his biggest professional failure was to never be named as “the other man” in any of his female student’s divorces.

- Hitler’s grandson says he’s tired of having his grandfather compared to Barack Obama.

- Chicago Cubs optimistic that this will be their best and most exciting last place team in years.

- City passes ordinance requiring anyone hired to operate an ice cream truck pre-emptively register as a sex offender too.

- In an effort to convince guard Aaron Craft to return for his senior season at Ohio State, Coach Thad Matta has convinced school officials to allow Craft to start up a White Power Club.

- Group of Senators and Congressmen with shady pasts get together to stop universal background checks.

- Entire nation loses its shit over gruesome injury suffered by basketball player they’ve never heard of and playing in a game they weren’t watching.

- Baseball fan in Pittsburg falls for the old “It’s opening day and everyone is in first place” line again even though he knows it’s bullshit.

- Obama admin sends warships, bombers, subs and nuclear capable aircraft to South Korea because he says “We just want to put them in a place where we won’t lose them.”

- Alaska Rep Don Young forced to stay late after congressional business to write “I will not use the word ‘wetbacks’ again” on the chalkboard 500 times.

- Fox baseball analyst Tim McCarver says he will retire after this season. “I just can’t be a part of game that refuses to award an RBI to a player who hits into a double-play even though a run scores. I mean a GODDAMN RUN SCORES, RIGHT?” he said “And the guy DID hit the ball with a bat, right? So? Why no RUN BATTED IN? So fucking stupid!”

Okay, that’s enough of those. I can’t use up all my funny in one past ya know!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

BTW, you really should check out “Christ’s Coming Out Party” on I’m With Stupid. We covered all kinds of stuff like what Jesus might have been doing while he was in that cave for three days, Jon Hamm’s HUGE package, music from Buddy Acapella, Guy’s interview of the Easter Bunny and on and on and on! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio