As you may or may not know, IWS Radio very likely will go over 1,000,000 listens this week. This is a very exciting milestone for Matt-Man and Jayman and they want everyone who has ever listened to even a single episode to know that they are very much appreciated. We love every single one of you guys!
IWS listeners are ...
Smart:
Funny:
Cute:
Athletic:
Talented:
Successful:
And, just all-around great human beings. Thanks so much for your support! Also, don't forget to call in and talk about anything that's on your mind on "Open Phone Lines and Boobies" on IWS Radio at 12 Noon ET!!!
Matt: Cheers!
Jay: Hola! How’s you?
Matt: Excellent! How you be?
Jay: Great! I’ve got our lawyers working on a bid to by the Clippers
Matt: Excellent idea!
Jay: It’s all about diversifying and branding.
Matt: And diversifying our brand.
Jay: And groupies
Matt: Definitely. As long as they don’t look like V. Stiviano
Jay: True, although I am following her on Instagram now.
Matt: I would expect nothing less from you.
Jay: We need to get her on the show.
Matt: That would be epic!
Jay: I’m sure she’s a sweet girl
Matt: A combination of Leona Helmsley, Sarah Palin, Nancy Grace and Sidney
Leathers.
Jay: Sooooooooooo hawt!
Matt: Good day for the blog on FB.
Jay: That hippie chick helped get views
Matt: That’s sweet of her
Jay: The “gratuitous hot chick pic” is kind of sad though
Matt: But, necessary
Jay: Right! We’re in the business of clicks, views and listens.
Matt: And likes and stars!
Jay: And ….. groupies.
Matt: Just keeping it real.
Jay: And respectful.
Matt: As much as we can anyway.
Jay: True
Jay: Gotta be careful with those groupies though.
Matt: Always use protection.
Jay: That and they’re dangerous.
Matt: Scheming!
Jay: Conniving!
Matt: They’re after our fame and fortunes.
Jay: They might set us up and record US!
Matt: They might “Sterling” us!
Jay: We gotta make sure we don’t get Sterling’d!!
Matt: Damn, might not be worth it.
Jay: Probably isn’t.
Matt: Well it’s good that we don’t have any.
Jay: Saved us from ourselves!
Jay: So lots going on this weekend and next week.
Matt: The Kentucky Derby is Saturday.
Jay: And Cinco de Mayo on Monday
Matt: And the NFL Draft next week.
Jay: I think that will fill a show.
Matt: It’s also Phil Diller’s birthday!
Jay: OMG! He will be partying!
Matt: And Guy is going to Tijuana
Jay: LOVE that place!
Matt: You’ve been there?
Jay: Nope.
Matt: Well if we need filler, pretend you have.
Jay: I’ve been to the SW side of San Antonio.
Matt: Close enough!
Jay: Bobby Kraft, Slyder Ballzcock and more!
Matt:
A bit about the NFL Draft.
Jay: And college football thieves.
Matt: And what we would do if we bought the Clippers.
Jay: THAT would be awesome!
Matt: It would be cray-cray!
Jay: We would change the NBA forever.
Matt: And it’s World Laughter Day!
Jay: Oh shit! We’ll be all over that!
Matt: That day was named for us!
Jay: Oh this is gonna be HUGE!
Matt: What an epic show this is gonna be.
Jay: I kind of can’t wait now.
Matt: Me either!
Holaaaaaaaaa! I know a lot of wonderful people who live in
Arizona. They’re smart, educated and decent and in some cases hot as hell. Arizona
seems like it should be a great place. The weather is awesome. Phoenix is a
great city with lots to offer its residents. It’s too bad that most of people
who live there are not only batshit crazy, but are also despicable pieces of
human debris full of hatred and bigotry. That’s unfortunate but obviously true
otherwise they wouldn’t keep voting for people who pass blatantly
discriminatory laws. So, to help Arizona out, I came up with some new state
slogans for them.
Welcome to Arizona …
- The Uganda of the West
- Our Borders and Minds are Always Closed
- Gay Money is no Good Here
- Hate Lives Here
- Stay in the Closet Please
- Where Bigots Come to Play
- A Straight White Man’s Paradise
- Because Idaho is Extreme Enough
- No Rear Entry
- Go Be Gay Somewhere Else
- The KKK Loves Us
- Guns Guts and God
- NO HOMOS!
- Equal Protection Under the Law for Some
- Even God’s Rainbow isn’t Welcome Here
- It’s Worse than You Imagine
- Our Hate is Real
- Only the Heritage Foundation Supports Us
- Open for Business for SOME People
- Papers Please
I know Jan Brewer vetoed SB1062. Blah, Blah, Blah …
Basically she told everyone to just wait until after Super Bowl XLIX and then
try again.
“Ellen Page Cute” added as new highest level of cuteness.
Equate’s new generic Sudafed to say “Compare to the name brand ingredients in Meth” on the box.
Israel puts hands in pockets, looks to sky and whistles innocently after report claims that Yasser Arafat was poisoned.
Message board commenter convinces himself he could both coach and play QB for his favorite team, no problem.
Newly elected Governor of Virginia Terry McAuliffe guarantees he can make it to inaugural day without being indicted, maybe a few months longer.
To trip up the NSA Vice President Joe Biden speaks only in Pig Latin during phone calls.
Germaphobe horrified to discover that sex isn’t nearly as clean and easy as it is depicted on TV and in the movies.
Local Postmaster denies post office is responsible for mail deliveries.
Teenager shocked to realize she can make phone calls on iPhone that she’s had for a year.
CBS announces new sitcom set to debut in 2014 titled “How I Met Your Mother’s Two Broke Girls Theory”
Paris Hilton finds out that slavery existed and is now sad and angry...
Just watched #12YearsASlave. It made me so sad, angry & disgusted that people could ever treat others in such a horrible way. :( #SoWrong
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) November 6, 2013
NFL kicker thinks “screw it, I’m trying an onside kick here” with little success.
Bored Circuit Court judge decides to replace “the witness is excused” with “get the fuck outta here.”
Elderly man just can’t figure out Netflix’s broadcast schedule.
It’s Official: There’s Nothing Left to Put Pumpkin In.
Man dismayed to discover that his Favestar stars and retweets don’t look that impressive on his resume.
In other funny news, you should totally check out “Games People Play” on IWS Radio! We talked about all our favorite games from board games to card games to mind games and even to flag football and pick-up basketball. Plus we heard from Bobby Kraft, the Rev Moneymaker (who went looooooooong on his sermon this week), Poetry ‘n Such w/ Paul Piatt and some blasts from the game playing past!
Hola post-apocalyptic survivalists! Since Matt-Man refuses to dedicate an episode of IWS to preparing for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse no matter how big a boost we’d get in the ratings, I decided to do a post about it. Take that Mattcicle!
Anyway, I haven’t really given this whole thing too much thought. In fact, I’m so sick of both zombies and vampires (especially sparkly vampires and vampires with really stupid bad Louisiana accents) that I haven’t really made any preparations at all. But, I did decide that I should probably make a few plans just in case it really happens. Which it might, but I doubt it.
- Get and stay really drunk. This way I will stagger around and drool just like the zombies do and they’ll think I’m one of them. I’m already pale enough and cut myself shaving often enough to add to the look. This should work until one of them catches me eating pizza instead of brains.
- Place plates with “brains” on them around town. Only it won’t really be brains, it will be ground turkey mixed with an egg so it would hold together in a brains mold while it was baked. Then, after the zombies gorged on turkey “brains” the tryptophan would kick in and they would all need to take a nap. While they’re sleeping, I’ll kill each of them with a bullet to the head.
- Put on hockey helmet and mismatched clothes and stagger around drooling and just saying “duuuuhhhhh” while wiping my nose with my shirt sleeve. That will repulse the zombies and they’ll leave me alone.
- I’ll head up into the wood like Rambo did. I’ll carry nothing but some camping gear, a mess kit, knife and rifle. After finding a place to camp, I’ll kill whatever I can for food and just live off the land for as long as necessary. Ha! Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. I’ll be dead within a week if I try this one.
- I’ll just drive around in an Abrams M1A2 tank and take out all the zombies. I guess I’ll run out of fuel and ammo pretty quickly though, right? Hmm … That’s a problem. Oh I got it! I’ll simply modify it into a Nuclear Powered Jayman Armored Special with lasers and sound cannons that blow the head of every zombie within a half mile radius. That should be easy enough to do.
- Move into an impenetrable fortress that is nearly 10,000 square feet on three levels all underground with only one entry. That door, which is one foot thick steel, is behind an electrified gate. On top of the facility is a sniper’s nest with a 360 degree field of view, spotlights and lasers which will also have a weapons stockpile that would give Ted Nugent an erection. Also, the entire property is surrounded by a fiery moat. Inside is everything anyone could ever need to live for at least three years. Inside there will be huge amounts of canned foods, water, alcohol, Pepsi. It includes dance clubs, strip clubs, a movie theater, sports bar, luxurious bedrooms, a gym, indoor pool and hot tub and pizza parlor.
Dayum! Screw the zombies, I want that place anyway!
In other news we put on one of the best celebrations of Canada you’ll hear on internet radio ever! Sunday was Canada Day and Matt-Man and Jayman went all out for our very good friends to the north. We talked about our favorite (and least favorite) Canadians and dug up some little known facts about that truly great country. Be sure to check it out! You’ll be amazed!
You know what day it is. You’ve been waiting for it all week! Here we go…
Matt: “You’ve reached the Matt-Man residence, how may I direct your call.”
Jay: “I wanna talk to the person in charge!”
Matt: “Sorry, nobody is in charge here.”
Jay: “But, if nobody is in charge, who gets all the glory?”
Matt: “Glory is about personal accomplishments. We’re about ‘team’ here.”
Jay: “There is no “I” in “Team.”
Matt: “Exactly. So how are ya?”
Jay: “A little gassy.”
Matt: “I’ll open a window.”
Jay: “So, uh, our Big Gay Show is totally racking up the listens and is moving towards the top five in the ratings.”
Matt: “It should, it was FABULOUS.”
Jay: “It was a pretty good show. We might have found our niche.”
Matt: “If that show doesn’t turn people gay, nothing will.”
Jay: “Yeah, and it’s a type of gay that even Marcus Backmann can’t cure.”
Matt: “Of course not. Hell, he couldn’t even cure his own.Hey-OOOO”
Jay: “Anyway, apparently going gay means big hits.”
Matt: “Well, cover me in glitter and raise the rainbow flag then.”
Matt: “Hold on. I need to acknowledge someone telling me how cute Schmoop and I are.”
Jay: “Personally, I’m finding your love tweets to be disgusting.”
Matt: “You know, a little support isn’t too much to ask here my friend.”
Jay: “Oh damn. I forgot how sensitive and vulnerable engaged men get.”
Matt: “Damn right. So try being a little more sensitive you sick fuck.”
Jay: “I’ll try. No promises though.
Jay: “So I’ve now joined Reddit and Digg too.”
Matt: “So have I”
Jay: “We can now Stumble, Reddit and Digg our posts and shows.”
Matt: “We even got a couple of hits from Digg already.”
Jay: “Sweeeeeet. I don’t know how much Reddit and Digg will help though.”
Matt: “It doesn’t matter. Every little bit helps.”
Jay: “And every listener and readers matters.”
Matt: “That they do!”
Jay: “We love them all.”
Matt: “Damn right.”
Jay: “So, wanna talk “Haters” this week?”
Matt: “Yeah. People who just can’t stand it when others are happy.”
Jay: “And people are just always bitching about something.”
Matt: “Exactly. Negative people.”
Jay: “Right. People who can’t say something nice about anything.”
Matt: “I hate those people.”
Jay: “Thank God we’re not like that.”
Matt: “We wouldn’t be internet famous if we were.”
Jay: “Good point. Our success is based on being positive and thoughtful all the time.”
Matt: “That’s why the chicks dig us.”
Jay: “Totally.”
So there you go. More genius at work. I know how inspiring it is to read each week. Also, don’t forget to listen to this week’s show, “Haters Gonna Hate” on I’m With Stupid. It’s going to be a great show!
Hola people of the internet! For a while now, Matt-Man and I, the Jayman (Doesn’t that sound really pretentious putting “the” in front of Jayman? Yeah, I don’t think I’ll do that again.) have talked about how we should just tape out weekly show prep session and use it for our I’m With Stupid podcast. But since I don’t have any phone recording equipment, I decided to start taking notes for a new feature here on the blog. So, welcome to the inaugural edition of “Matt Said, Jay Said.”
Matt: *ring* “YeeHAWWWWWWW!”
Jay: “Hola you sick fuck!” (“sick fuck” being a term of endearment)
Matt: “Phobia show this week, right?”
Jay: “Huh? Yeah, phobias”
Matt: “You’re already distracted?”
Jay: “No, I’m taking notes for a new feature on the blog ‘Matt Said, Jay Said’ to post on Saturdays since we don’t post anything on that day.”
Matt: “That’s a good idea.”
Jay: “I thought so”
Matt: “You’re so damn humble”
Jay: “I know. It’s how I was raised. So anyway, I’m taking notes so say something fucking funny.”
Matt: “Just use something I said in the past if you have to.”
Jay: “Cool.”
Matt: “I made Cobb Salad last night. But without the chicken.”
Jay: “What did you use?”
Matt: “Fried bologna. It helps me keep my svelte figure.”
Jay: “I admire your commitment to nutritional excellence.”
Matt: “Schmoop cuts up the lettuce. I’ll be on the computer and she’ll be in the kitchen and then all the sudden she’s cussing the lettuce. GAWD DAMMIT STAY STILL!”
Jay: “Ha! ‘Cussing the Lettuce.’ That’s a great euphemism. I’m gonna ask her on Twitter right now if she ‘Cussed the Lettuce’ last night.
Schmoop (via Twitter): “What’s that ass been telling you?”
Matt: “Hee Hee … She’s probably saying ‘You guys suck!’”
Schmoop (via Twitter 2 minutes later): “You guys suck!”
Jay: “Did you see how much these GOP candidates are worth? Bachmann is worth $2.8 million, Huntsman $17.8 million and Romney up to $250 million.”
Matt: “Why would anyone worth that much want to be president. If I had two million I’d be sitting here on my couch watching the view being fed hotdogs by exotic babes.”
Jay: “Exactly. Well, maybe not watching the view. I know you have a thing for Joy Behar though.”
Matt: “She is pretty hot.”
Jay: “Instead, I’ll just sit here and stare at this pic of Ellen Page. She’s a pretty damn cute lesbian (allegedly).”
Matt: “She is.”
Jay: “Such a pretty face.”
Matt: “Oh yeah. She’s just damn pretty. No Scarlett Johansson, but still cute.”
Jay: “Yeah, very true. Okay, so phobias right?”
Matt: “Yup, Phobias. Heights, spiders, snakes, bridges all that stuff.”
Jay: “Yeah, and our listeners all suffer from phonephobia. Haha!”
Matt: “And escalators. Lots of people are afraid of those.”
Jay: “And maybe I’ll make a few up.”
Matt: “Good idea.”
Jay: “Okay, so good show prep!”
Matt: “Hell yeah! Very professional.”
So there you have it! That’s how the magic is made. And don’t forget, we’ll be talking Phobias and Fears tonight on “I’m With Stupid” at 6:30 EDT.
