Headlines, Observations and Hot Takes

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! I couldn’t decide if I wanted to do headlines or hot takes tonight when I suddenly had a brilliant idea. I’ll do both! I’ll throw in some HI-larious headlines some hot takes on big topics of the day and maybe an observation or two about other things. O boy! This is gonna be fun. Maybe. Whatever.

An Observation...

I was watching the Golden Globes when Jeffrey Tambor won for the show “Transparent.” As he was giving his boring, soul-sucking brilliant and thoughtful acceptance speech I was thinking about him as the Mayor of Who-ville in the movie version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” At one point in the movie the mayor throws a little fit and repeats “INVITE THE GRINCH – RUIN CHRISTMAS … INVITE THE GRINCH – RUIN CHRISTMAS!” over and over. So while he was talking all I could think of was “PLAY A TRANNY – WIN AN AWARD … PLAY A TRANNY – WIN AN AWARD!”

I thought about tweeting that, but you know that would have offended someone. We don’t want to do that now, do we? Oh sure, it’s true! If you play a transvestite or transgendered American or whatever you will at least get a nomination. If you play a gay character you will get a nomination and will probably win. Sean Penn won for playing Harvey Milk when we all know Frank Langella was far more deserving for his portrayal of Richard Nixon in “Frost/Nixon.” But, we’re not allowed to talk about these things cause that’s hurtful.

Here’s some headlines…

Mitt Romney announces he is considering making a third attempt to buy the U.S. Presidency.

French officials agree to allow Muslims to participate in freedom march, but remind them that hijabs are illegal.  

Area sports fan is angry at self for forgetting to blame referees for his team’s loss.

Another Observation …

Have you noticed that not only are we not allowed to make rape jokes anymore, but we aren’t even allowed to mock rapists who get away with it?? I’ve seen it twice now. Once after Florida State lost to Oregon and Twitter lit up with all kinds of jokes about Jameis Winston and FSU. The next time was after the Golden Globes when some people got all pissy at Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for going after Bill Cosby.

After the FSU game there were several FSU alum trying to make the claim that mocking Winston and FSU was THE SAME THING as mocking the girl who was Winston’s alleged sexual assault victim. Same thing happened Sunday night. Mocking Cosby is THE SAME THING as mocking all 30 plus women he allegedly raped.

That’s bullshit. All these people are doing is trying to protect their school or friend or hero or whatever. They don’t give a shit about the victims because they don’t believe there are any victims. But, the problem is if this type of thinking takes hold, we won’t ever be able to make fun of anyone. And if that happens the scumbags that attacked Charlie Hebdo last week win.

Okay, more headlines …

New hacktivist group Uber Anonymous emerges as top rival to Super Anonymous who was the top rival of Anonymouser who took down Anonymous.

Fox News sets up Twitter account to combat fake Fox News stories. Can’t figure out which ones are real. Shuts down in 24 hours.

Facebook user can’t decide whether to post his outrage over fake news story from satire site or share shitty viral video.

A Hot Take …

No … Just. No.

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The Headlines Never End!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaa! More headlines you say? Sure! Why not!

Lena Dunham has sparked controversy with her new book titled “This is What Happens When You Have Permissive Parents Who Raise Their Sociopath Kid to Not Have Boundaries and Overshare.”

According to the Center for Comedic Statistics the number of Americans working on their Morgan Freeman impression has gone over 100,000,000. That puts Freeman in second place behind Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Hospitals in the U.S. have started running trials for wireless heart monitoring technology. Doctors say the technology seems to work well, but patients say it’s hell when the thing buffers.

ISIS and Mexican Drug Cartels say Tom Cotton’s election to the senate has dealt a serious blow to their non-existent plans to invade Arkansas.

Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly said on his show recently that many Americans are “simply dumb.” He then said “Just look at how high my ratings are! That should prove my theory right there.”

Bob Geldoff is planning a new Band Aid song to help fight Ebola. It’s titled “Don’t Cough on Me!”

North Carolina voters report their voting machines have been switching their votes from democrat to republican. Then back again. And again. Officials say it’s all in good fun and the votes even out.

NBC cancels the show “Bad Judge” after only five episodes shocking experts who were sure the show wouldn’t last more than three weeks.

Lorne Michaels has revealed that “Saturday Night Live” is working under a whole new premise this season. Michaels says “We’re not focusing on being funny anymore. We have other things we want to accomplish with the show.” He declined to reveal what those other things are.

American’s looking forward to the 2016 Presidential Election Season kicking off on Wednesday.

Frenchman downs 56 shots of liquor and surrenders. Permanently.

Mathematicians say the University of Arkansas football team has found every possible way to lose a game. Something no other team has accomplished since the Northwester Wildcats 34 game losing streak from 1979 through 1982.

NBC’s Chuck Todd is shocked to find that American’s number one concerns are domestic issues while voting in the American elections.

A new study finds that men shorter than 5’ 9” are more likely to suffer from dementia. Added Vladimir Putin “not to men delusions of grandeur.”    

Saudi Arabia’s Religious Police have outlawed “Tempting Eyes.” Will take up the issue of “Winking” next week.

Kaci Hickox, the nurse in Maine who has been fighting orders to be quarantined for 21 days out of Ebola fears now says she will attempt to set the world hugging record this week. Sign up for the event has been described as “slow.”   

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon recently delivered Drive to End Hunger’s one millionth meal to an elderly lady who asked him why it took him so damn long to get there.

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Here's Some Headlines For Your Enjoyment

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! I think it’s time for more headlines, don’t you? Well, okay then …

Local man returns cat to the pet store because the cat doesn’t do anything cute or funny enough to make a video go viral on YouTube.

The U.S. State Department has order 160,000 hazmat suits to be used in case of an Ebola outbreak in the United States. Just enough for every member of the Duggar family.

Baltimore slugger Chris Davis was suspended 25 games after testing positive for PEDs. The league said Davis’ .176 batting average is what made them suspicious.

Neither John McCain nor Lindsay Graham will be on any of the Sunday talk shows as they have run out of countries on Earth for America to invade.

After months of endless strategy sessions trying to figure out how to deal with the popularity of minimum wage ballot measures in Arkansas, republicans have finally settled on a strategy. They’re just going to claim they’re in favor of the initiative and have been all along.

Nancy Pelosi: “Not to alarm anyone or anything, but if the republicans take over the senate it will be the end of civilization as we know it.”

Sarah Palin plans to save her “Sarah Palin Channel” from disappointing subscription numbers by playing the EPIC ALASKAN BRAWL on the channel 24/7.

“Orange is the New Black” creator has also decided that pussy is the new dick.

Ray Rice shows a lot of fight. Says he will appeal indefinite suspension and vows to beat it.

Lindsay Lohan is “determined” to win an Oscar. In related news, Jayman is “determined” to spend a weekend locked in a penthouse suite with Elizabeth Hurley.

Area man says after weeks of doing his best to avoid them, he has now ACCIDENTALLY seen all of the leaked nude pics of Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence and feels terrible about it.

Theodore J. Flicker, the man who created “Barney Miller” gives up on trying to outlive Abe Vigoda. He was 84.

Robin Thicke admits to drug addiction and that he didn’t actually write “Blurred Lines.” Actually, nobody will admit to writing “Blurred Lines.”

The Minnesota Vikings have decided to activate Adrian Peterson despite his being indicted on child abuse charges. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell insists he hasn’t seen the pictures of the child’s injuries.

Urban Outfitters apologized for selling offensive Kent State shirts that had blood splatter stains on them. They also agreed to cancel the big order for “Sandy Hook Elementary” sweatshirts they were planning on selling this winter.

Coca-Cola is hoping to create a little 90’s nostalgia by bringing back Surge Cola. Also hoping to bring back 90’s nostalgia …. HILLARY CLINTON!

English golfer Andy Sullivan won a free trip to outer space for scoring a hole in one at the KLM Open over the weekend. Sullivan’s reaction was “what was wrong with just giving away cars like they used to?”

Kanye West stopped his concert in Australia the other night demanding that a man in a wheel chair stand up and dance like everyone else. After the show he asked a kid with no arms if he’d like to play catch. Then he challenged a man with one leg to a butt kicking contest. Then he told a blind man “I bet you’re really good at playing ‘Marco Polo.’” Then he was heard screaming “I SAID THANKS FOR COMING TO MY FUCKING SHOW! AREN’T YOU LISTENING? HOW ‘BOUT A FUCKING YOU’RE WELCOME?” to a deaf lady.

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So What Else is In the News?

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Well, let’s see what’s happening in the news …

- ESPN said they will not take disciplinary action* against on-air talent Stephen A. Smith after his offensive comments about women provoking domestic violence. Instead the network will punish Smith by forcing him to continue to have to work with Skip Bayless every weekday.

- Whoopie Goldberg said on ABC’s “The View” that people often believe they have some special right to tough or grab celebrities and that just isn’t right. In response to Goldberg’s comment, co-host Jenny McCarthy spent the rest of the show holding a finger two inches from Whoopie saying “I’m not touching youuuuuuuu …. I’m not touching youuuuuuuu.”

- A new poll shows that 86.5% of Israelis don’t want a ceasefire and want the IDF to continue its assault on Gaza. Further questioning found that most of people simply want it all done before the NFL season starts in September.

- This one time … at band camp … The director of the Ohio State marching band was treating band members horribly, berating them, calling them names, threatening them and knew about, but did nothing to stop a “highly sexualized culture” inside the band and … and … GOT HIS ASS FIRED FOR IT.

- Controversy erupted last week as Arizona became the latest state to botch an execution. Witnesses say that Joseph Wood “gasped and snorted” for more than an hour after the lethal injection chemicals were administered. When asked for comment governor Jan Brewer said “To be fair, I was gasping and snorting too. I mean, the whole thing was really pretty hilarious.”

- LeBron James announced that he will be going back to his old number 23 which he wore during his first stint with Cleveland. Former NBA great Michael Jordan announced the gives James his blessing to wear the number 23. Upon hear that, James said “Uh, yeah, that’s nice since nobody asked you.”

- On Sunday the New York Times editorial board came out in favor of the legalization of marijuana. The initial draft included a section that was not printed that basically said “Ohhhhhh these cupcakes are soooooooo good!! OHMYGOD! Maureen Dowd you gotta sprinkle some of that Cheetos dust on the vanilla cupcakes! It’s magical! Ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhh DOOOOOOOOD!”

- The White House is said to be “fuming” over Israel’s criticisms of Secretary of State John Kerry. Actually, they’re just embarrassed because it all started with the standard “Why the long face John?” Then it turned out his feelings had actually been hurt by Israel and now everyone feels bad.

- A new recommendation this week says that Orthodox Jews with herpes should stop applying “direct oral suction” to baby’s penises during the traditional bris. After reading this report another group recommended this week that NOBODY apply “direct oral suction” to ANY baby’s penis at any time.

- A Ukrainian woman named Ekaterima Parkhomento posted selfies on her Instagram this week claiming to be wearing eye liner she looted from the wreckage of fight MH17. While most people were outraged by Ekaterima’s actions they mostly all agreed that she looked really great and could totally be a model.

- Fox News reported this week that “illegal immigrants protest outside White House, with little fear of repercussions.” Said Fox News president Roger Ailes “it’s almost like this has become a free country with some kind of silly right to petition the government or something.”

- Former Ohio governor Ted Strickland tried to live on minimum wage for a week and found that he couldn’t do it. In his official statement Strickland said “Thank God this was just a political stunt and I’m not really poor cause that would suck so hard.”

- And finally Sarah Palin launched her very own internet channel this week. This will allow Sarah’s followers and fans unfiltered access to all her thoughts and opinions on the big issues of the day. The cost for access to the new channel is $99.95 a year or $9.95 a month. When asked about the pricing plan a spokesperson for Palin said “Let’s be honest here, given her history I would go with the monthly plan if I were you.”

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*Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, they suspended him for a whole week. Whatever! I’m not letting that ruin a good Skip Bayless joke.

Funny(ish) Headlines Never Get Old ... Right?

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! We’re back! I know you missed us! What better way to ease back into the day-to-day grind of blogging than to do some Funny(ish) Onion-Like (not really) Headlines!

“Congressman indicted on federal criminal charges. Legal problems not expected to affect his re-election chances.”

“People shocked and appalled to find that an NBA owner who was exposed as a raging racist at least 30 years ago says something racist.”

“Vatican holds “make one guy a saint, make another free” sale.”

“From Genghis Khan to Napoleon to Francisco Franco to Vladimir Putin: A History of Short Assholes Screwing the World Up.”

“Avril Lavigne Flying High After Success of New Song ‘Hello Kitty’ off Her Latest CD, ‘Wet’s Get Cwazy!’”

“Area man with large penis wonders if social media will help him ‘get the word out.’”

“Fast Food and Snack Production Companies Prepare to Gear Up for Large Scale Marijuana Legalization.”

“Blogger Wonders How She Can Use Click Bait While Maintaining Her ‘I Write Only For Myself’ Integrity.”

“Ben Affleck: ‘I’m Going to Keep Acting in Movies and There’s Nothing You Can Do to Stop Me.’”

“Obama: ‘Did I Promise Net Neutrality? Oh Well, Sorry I’m Not Sorry.’”

“Area Republican Who Supported Cliven Bundy Offended That People Think He Supports Cliven Bundy.”

“Daniel Snyder on Donald Sterling: ‘Now THAT’S a Racist!’”

“High School Boy Apologizes to His Family in Advance for His Upcoming Career as a Ventriloquist.”

“Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Inquire About Adopting Lupita Nyong’o.”

“Area Man Apologizes to Other Men for Participating in ‘Meatless Mondays.’”

“Actress Shailene ‘Boner Killer’ Woodley Says She Likes to ‘Dance Around with Hairy Armpits.’”

“Illegal Aliens Relived to Discover They’re Exempt From Obamacare.”

“Nancy Grace Struggling to Find Things to Talk About on Her Show Blames Lack of Missing White Women.”

“Very Lonely, Average-Looking Woman Convinced Every Man She Meets Wants Her.”

“Doctors Declare Miley Cyrus’ Tongue Cured. Release Her From Hospital.”

“Legendary Playboy George Clooney Gets Engaged! ‘I’m Getting Old and Have Nothing Left to Live For Anyway’ Says Clooney.”

Aaaaaaaaaaaand that’s enough.

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Funny Headlines Have Returned Yet Again!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It’s time for more headlines!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

LeBron James says he belongs on the Mt. Rushmore of the NBA. When asked where it is replies “Damn, I don’t know … Colorado?”

CDC says 2,739 American women have injured themselves trying to dace like Beyoncé did at the Grammy’s.

President Obama laughs uncontrollably as he can’t stop making “short jokes” at Vladimir Putin’s expense.

NFL prospect Michael Sam clarifies his announcement that he’s gay: “I’m more ‘Rock Hudson’ gay, not ‘Johnny Weir’ gay.

Pope Francis says it’s important to love the homeless. Homeless say that’s nice but “we can’t buy 211’s with love, man.”

Men’s Doubles Luge outlawed in Kansas.

Ted Cruz demands to know if Obama pronounces it “tomato” or “tomahto” before committing to one side or the other.

In shocking development, talk radio caller remembers to turn down his radio first.

Area woman is sick and tired of men with “scruffy beards.”

Sad, lonely man puts up a good front pretending not to care about Valentine’s Day.

Male prostitute uses hidden shotgun in the headboard trick to rob johns.

Rand Paul missed the debt ceiling vote because we out trying to find the perfect Valentine’s Day gift to give himself.

President Obama still angry over not winning any southern states in 2012 orders up a series of winter storms as punishment.

Americans intrigued by Olympic Curling say it could become popular here if it can be made more violent.

Arkansas County Quorum Court finds laws to be too confusing so everyone just goes home.

CNN gets into the scripted show business because nobody gives a shit about the news anyway.

Amanda Knox turns down sweet job offer as tour guide for Perillo Tours of Italy.

Comcast and Time Warner Cable agree to a merger promise half the service and quality with twice the shittiness.

New Yorkers angry that Mayor de Blasio didn’t order schools closed during snowstorm. De Blasio replies “Who knew Al Roker would be right?”

Facebook announces users will have 50 gender options. “Other” not one of them.

2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition to be delivered with some pages “pre-stuck together.”

Area man can’t explain why he finds curling so damn fascinating, he just does.

Okay, that’s enough.

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Another Round of Headlines Coming Right Up!

Hola y’all! Hey! I know what we can do! Let’s do some funny(ish) headlines. Okay? Okay!

Gay men in 16 states suddenly feeling societal pressure to get married and settle down.

KKK disavows any connection the GOP. “They’re ruining our image” says Grand Wizard.

INFp man sits quietly at homeowner’s association meeting and never brings up his list of grievances.

Special Investigative Report: Christians Be Mingling.

“Ellen Page Cute” added as new highest level of cuteness.

Equate’s new generic Sudafed to say “Compare to the name brand ingredients in Meth” on the box.

Israel puts hands in pockets, looks to sky and whistles innocently after report claims that Yasser Arafat was poisoned. 

Message board commenter convinces himself he could both coach and play QB for his favorite team, no problem.

Newly elected Governor of Virginia Terry McAuliffe guarantees he can make it to inaugural day without being indicted, maybe a few months longer.

To trip up the NSA Vice President Joe Biden speaks only in Pig Latin during phone calls.

Germaphobe horrified to discover that sex isn’t nearly as clean and easy as it is depicted on TV and in the movies.

Local Postmaster denies post office is responsible for mail deliveries.

Teenager shocked to realize she can make phone calls on iPhone that she’s had for a year.

CBS announces new sitcom set to debut in 2014 titled “How I Met Your Mother’s Two Broke Girls Theory”

Paris Hilton finds out that slavery existed and is now sad and angry...

Just watched #12YearsASlave. It made me so sad, angry & disgusted that people could ever treat others in such a horrible way. :( #SoWrong
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) November 6, 2013

NFL kicker thinks “screw it, I’m trying an onside kick here” with little success.

Bored Circuit Court judge decides to replace “the witness is excused” with “get the fuck outta here.”

Elderly man just can’t figure out Netflix’s broadcast schedule.

It’s Official: There’s Nothing Left to Put Pumpkin In.

Man dismayed to discover that his Favestar stars and retweets don’t look that impressive on his resume.

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In other funny news, you should totally check out “Games People Play” on IWS Radio! We talked about all our favorite games from board games to card games to mind games and even to flag football and pick-up basketball. Plus we heard from Bobby Kraft, the Rev Moneymaker (who went looooooooong on his sermon this week), Poetry ‘n Such w/ Paul Piatt and some blasts from the game playing past!

Current Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Harry Connick, John McCain, Syria, K-Pop and More! It's Time for Headlines!!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! I’ve got nothing which means it’s time yet again for some Headlines!! Please try to contain your excitement. Thanks.

- Desperate for work of any kind washed up crooner Harry Connick Jr. agrees to be a cohost on American Idol.

- Area man announces he “let loose” with his “loudest burp ever” over the weekend.

- Microsoft bans “can you hear me now” jokes after making offer to buy Nokia. “That’s Verizon you stupid hacks” CEO Ballmer tweets.

- Dakota Johnson and Charlie Hunnam set to play lead roles in the movie version of “Fifty Shades of Grey.”  “I can’t wait to beat the hell outta Dakota and abuse her” said Hunnam.

- Diana Nyad swims from Cuba to Key West, Florida. Realizes she forgot her passport and had to swim back to get it.

- Texans reward defensive standout Brian Cushing with six year contract extension. “Steroids are fucking great!” proclaimed Cushing.

- Keith Olbermann schedules HUGE meltdown over his ESPN 2 show being bumped by late-running sporting events for the middle of October.

- President Obama to seek okay from congress on Syria. “They’ll do the right thinAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Sorry, I couldn’t quite get that out with a straight face” said Obama.

- 45 year old white man living in America doesn’t understand why people think his love for K-Pop is creepy

- Area liberal panicking as Obamacare starts to take hold. “I figured he would lose in 2012 and it would be repealed so I would always have the fake moral high ground.” Said the distraught blue collar worker.  

- Pre-Microwaved fish from Japan known as FukuSushi all the rage at hipster restaurants in NYC.

- Oakland Raiders struggle to find enough guys willing to play for them to fill 53 man roster.

- Taylor Swift working on new song about how disappointed she is in herself for using “the F-word” at VMAs.

- LeBron James producing sitcom where an NBA star’s 45 year old mother is dating a 31 year old rapper nobody has ever heard of.

- John McCain mocked for playing poker on his iPhone during Syria hearings, drawing to an inside straight.

- Area woman wants to watch popular TV and NetFlix shows but doesn’t want to give up feeling of smug superiority.  

- Area man arrested while riding his John Deere mower down Main Street while naked at 3 am and trying to shoot out street lights while singing “All My Rowdy Friends Have Settled Down.” Police say alcohol MIGHT have been involved.

Okay, that’s enough. I’ve got things to do.

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OMG! Even MORE Funny(ish) Headlines!

Holaaaaaaaa bitches! It’s time once again for a round of funny(ish) headlines! Try to hold down the excitement, will ya?

- Dept. of Justice investigation finds that the NSA violated George Zimmerman’s civil rights.

- Obama gives up and grows a Hitler mustache.

- Jenny McCarthy excited about new job as co-host on “The View.” “Think of all the kids I can kill with this

kind of exposure!!”

- Miley Cyrus apologizes for wearing bra under her tight shirt in public. Says it won’t happen again.

- Kim Kardashian freaks out over loss of popularity, renames her kid Trayvon Martin Kardashian-West.

- P.E.D scandal mars The ESPY’s as a reporter notices host Jon Hamm’s bottle of Viagra in locker backstage.

- Amanda Bynes seen buying “The Rhyming Dictionary” at local mall in preparation for her new rap career.

- “Vincent Sand Gogh” wins World Championship of Sand Sculpting in Atlantic City. “Sandy Vagina” fails to place for the 25^th consecutive year.

- OUTRAGEOUS McDonald’s “budget” for workers making minimum wage suggests just giving dancers a single at the stage and forgoing lap dances.

- ESPN lawyers up in preparation for firing Keith Olbermann soon after his new shows debuts on ESPN2 in August.

- Juror B37: “Okay, I admit it. I let George Zimmerman’s raw sexual magnetism cloud my judgment.”

- Emma Roberts tries out new way of promoting upcoming movie “We’re the Millers” by getting arrested for beating the shit out

of her boyfriend.

- Area man writes congressman demanding that the government dramatically increase funding for hemorrhoid research.

- MLB announces that former Egyptian President Mohammad Morsi will replace Bug Selig as Commissioner after Selig retires or, preferably, dies.

- City council realizes they have very few items on agenda, starts making shit up.

- Sad, lonely man starts friendship ring on Facebook.

- Area woman shocked to discover that people are still blogging.

- “Forbes Magazine” names Robert Downey Jr. as America’s highest paid ex-con.

And that’s all I’ve got.

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OMG! More Funny and Sexy Headlines!

Hola y’all! You know what goes great with Memorial Day, cookouts, baseball and beer? Another round of clever headlines! Hell yes! Okay, here we go…

- Area man concerned his aging parents will never figure out how to use Facebook.

- CNN correspondents struggling to act as if they’ve heard of Oklahoma City or can even find Oklahoma on a map.

- Arkansas man unable to get a decent night’s sleep because he is just sooooo worried about Amanda Bynes

- Almost four months later, Secretary of State John Kerry is finally ready to wrap up his swearing in speech.

- ABC News runs special dramatic coverage of their special dramatic coverage on the Moore, Oklahoma tornado.

- Area woman growing increasingly frustrated because she just doesn’t believe “heroes” should need that “e.”

- Tornadoes continue to pound states that nobody lives in voluntarily.

- Pop star stuns crowd by lip syncing at awards show.

- Ole Miss suspends starting quarterback for refusing to cheat on final exams.

- Artsy film nobody will see wins Palme d’Or at Cannes Film Festival.

- John McCain visits Syrian Rebels on Memorial Day and declares that the only way to honor America’s war dead is to make more of them.

- Danica Patrick wrecks for the 35^th consecutive time. Declares that none of them have been her fault.

- NBA star Dwight Howard struggling to decide which team he wants to ruin next.

- Carnival Cruise Lines celebrates five straight cruises without incident. A new record!

- President Obama tries to distract the media from his scandals by emailing them stories about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford every morning.

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Oh hey! You know what would be a great idea? Listening to “SomeGave All” on IWS Radio from last Sunday. It was a great show with our special guests Jamie and Jesse! Lots of Memorial Day and cookout talk along with poetry, history lessons and our new sponsor Incestry.com!!! Check it out … 

Listen to internet radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

OMG! More Onion-Like Headlines?

Hola y’all! I got nothing. So, that means it’s time for another round of Headlines. Please try to hold down the excitement!

- Area woman pretends to fall for husband’s April Fool’s joke for 27^th consecutive year.

- Retiring yoga instructor says his biggest professional failure was to never be named as “the other man” in any of his female student’s divorces.

- Hitler’s grandson says he’s tired of having his grandfather compared to Barack Obama.

- Chicago Cubs optimistic that this will be their best and most exciting last place team in years.

- City passes ordinance requiring anyone hired to operate an ice cream truck pre-emptively register as a sex offender too.

- In an effort to convince guard Aaron Craft to return for his senior season at Ohio State, Coach Thad Matta has convinced school officials to allow Craft to start up a White Power Club.

- Group of Senators and Congressmen with shady pasts get together to stop universal background checks.

- Entire nation loses its shit over gruesome injury suffered by basketball player they’ve never heard of and playing in a game they weren’t watching.

- Baseball fan in Pittsburg falls for the old “It’s opening day and everyone is in first place” line again even though he knows it’s bullshit.

- Obama admin sends warships, bombers, subs and nuclear capable aircraft to South Korea because he says “We just want to put them in a place where we won’t lose them.”

- Alaska Rep Don Young forced to stay late after congressional business to write “I will not use the word ‘wetbacks’ again” on the chalkboard 500 times.

- Fox baseball analyst Tim McCarver says he will retire after this season. “I just can’t be a part of game that refuses to award an RBI to a player who hits into a double-play even though a run scores. I mean a GODDAMN RUN SCORES, RIGHT?” he said “And the guy DID hit the ball with a bat, right? So? Why no RUN BATTED IN? So fucking stupid!”

Okay, that’s enough of those. I can’t use up all my funny in one past ya know!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

BTW, you really should check out “Christ’s Coming Out Party” on I’m With Stupid. We covered all kinds of stuff like what Jesus might have been doing while he was in that cave for three days, Jon Hamm’s HUGE package, music from Buddy Acapella, Guy’s interview of the Easter Bunny and on and on and on! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Even More Onion Like Headlines

Hola y’all! You know what time it is? Hell yes! It’s time again for more Onion-Like Headlines.

- GOP tries to improve the party’s image by hiring Chris Brown as their new spokesperson.

- Obama now just using live streaming surveillance video from Drones to watch Sasha’s soccer games from the comfort of the White House.

- TNT Execs “Proud” of the job Reggie Miller is doing to ruin the NBA for every fan. Now ready to add him to the cast of Rizzoli & Isles to see if he can ruin that show too.

- Republican Congressman upset that he forgot to compare Obama to Hilter during Fox & Friends interview, asks for a “do-over.”

- Even black people say they’ve had enough of Alicia Keys for a while.

- Strippers looking to rest up and recover from wild NBA All Star weekend disappointed to find out that they’re staying at the same resort as Charlie Sheen.

- President Obama likes to use his Nobel Peace Prize as a paperweight to keep his Kill List from blowing away when someone opens the doors to the patio.

- Blogger and Speculative Comedian furious at the lack of recognition he received for his funny tweet that was “favorited” by five people.

- Marco Rubio erupts in anger at waitress who asked if he needed any more water.

- After seeing Katherine Webb on Inside Edition and then in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, America decides that Brent Musburger has shitty taste in “babes.”

- Local Tea Party tries to hold up vote by Parks Committee concerning repainting of jungle gym until they get some answers on Benghazi.

- NYC Ad Firm admits they’re on a quest to make the stupidest commercial of all time.

- Only 147 years after the end of the Civil War Mississippi finishes ratifying the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery. Governor Phil Bryant was quoted as saying “Since I haven’t heard anyone else talking about this, I guess we’re the first state to ratify the amendment, right?”


Hoo-Wee! That was another good time with Onion-Like Headlines wasn’t kids? I thought so.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

More Onion-Like Headlines

Hola Y’all! It’s time for another round of Onion-Like Headlines. You might remember that I did some of these back in February and said it would be a regular feature. Well, it only took me eleven months to come up with some more! I’m so damn clever it amazes even me. Okay, here we go…

“Hillary Clinton Tells Her Favorite Monica Lewinsky Jokes”

“College Coaches: 'We're Overpaid, Cut Our Salaries and Use the Money on the Kids.'”

“Oprah Dines at Waffle House Several Times a Week”

“Oklahoma Scenery Voted Most Beautiful by People Who Have Never Been There”

“113 Congress Promises to Stop Being So Damn Productive”

“Rush Limbaugh Says Tyler Perry Movies are His Guilty Pleasure”

“Rachael Ray Embarrasses Self by Leaves Big Tip for Appreciative Wait Staff”

“Networks Promise to Make Reality TV More 'Lowbrow'”

“Celine Dion: 'My Music is Average at Best'”

“Ohio Residents Confused, Anxious and Paranoid Over Being Called ‘Meth Capital of the US’”

“President Obama Promises to Aggravate Everyone by Taking Slow, Methodical Approach to the Debt Limit Fight”

“Victoria's Secret Model Admits She Was Beautiful in High School and Got Asked on Dates All the Time”

“NFL Owners and Players Concerned That They Might Be Putting Fans First”

“U.S. Pharmaceutical Industry Says Americans Take too Many Pills”

“Michelle Obama Says to Quit 'Nitpicking' Your Kids' Diets”

“Mommy Bloggers Admit Their Kids aren't Anything Special”

“Israel Apologizes for Not Killing Enough Palestinians in Last Attack.”

“Republicans Refuse to Renew ‘Violence Against Women’ Act. All Go Home and Tell Their Wives ‘I Hate Myself for What I Did’”

“Rihanna Criticizes Barbara Streisand for Not Using Auto-Tune Because Natural Voices Sound Weird.”

“Mississippi Afraid Children are Getting ‘Too Much Book Learning’”

“Nicolas Cage’s Latest Movie is Another Masterpiece”

Eh … Obviously I’ll never get a job with The Onion. Maybe the next round of headlines, in late Dec 2013, will be better.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS


In other news Wednesday’s episode of I’m With Stupid was 45 minutes of warm, charming and even funny internet radio. We just rolled along jumping from topic to topic as if we knew what we were doing. It was just a free-flowing conversation on things ranging from the Fiscal (or Physical) Cliff to college bowl games to chatting with Schmoop to everything in between. So, check the show out and we’ll bring a smile to your face and warm your heart. More or less. So totally check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio