Even More Onion Like Headlines

Hola y’all! You know what time it is? Hell yes! It’s time again for more Onion-Like Headlines.

- GOP tries to improve the party’s image by hiring Chris Brown as their new spokesperson.

- Obama now just using live streaming surveillance video from Drones to watch Sasha’s soccer games from the comfort of the White House.

- TNT Execs “Proud” of the job Reggie Miller is doing to ruin the NBA for every fan. Now ready to add him to the cast of Rizzoli & Isles to see if he can ruin that show too.

- Republican Congressman upset that he forgot to compare Obama to Hilter during Fox & Friends interview, asks for a “do-over.”

- Even black people say they’ve had enough of Alicia Keys for a while.

- Strippers looking to rest up and recover from wild NBA All Star weekend disappointed to find out that they’re staying at the same resort as Charlie Sheen.

- President Obama likes to use his Nobel Peace Prize as a paperweight to keep his Kill List from blowing away when someone opens the doors to the patio.

- Blogger and Speculative Comedian furious at the lack of recognition he received for his funny tweet that was “favorited” by five people.

- Marco Rubio erupts in anger at waitress who asked if he needed any more water.

- After seeing Katherine Webb on Inside Edition and then in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, America decides that Brent Musburger has shitty taste in “babes.”

- Local Tea Party tries to hold up vote by Parks Committee concerning repainting of jungle gym until they get some answers on Benghazi.

- NYC Ad Firm admits they’re on a quest to make the stupidest commercial of all time.

- Only 147 years after the end of the Civil War Mississippi finishes ratifying the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery. Governor Phil Bryant was quoted as saying “Since I haven’t heard anyone else talking about this, I guess we’re the first state to ratify the amendment, right?”


Hoo-Wee! That was another good time with Onion-Like Headlines wasn’t kids? I thought so.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Super Bowl 47 Extravaganza

Hola y’all! It’s Superbowl weekend again and since the pregame show has probably already begun on CBS, It thought I would help everyone enjoy the big day. First let’s settle the big debate though: No, Monday after the Super Bowl should NOT be a national holiday. The game should be played on Saturday to allow everyone the chance to recover. Plus, if you kick it off at 6 pm eastern, people all over the world could watch the game because it would be played either late Saturday night or early on Sunday morning. See? Problem solved. The solution is so obvious and fan-friendly that only a complete fucking moron couldn’t figure out. Like, say, Roger Goodell.

Anyway, here are some ideas to help you enjoy Super Bowl Sunday …

Take one drink every time …

1. Someone mentions that the Harbaugh brothers have always been “really competitive with each other.”
2. They mention that replacing Alex Smith as the starting QB was a really controversial decision by Jim Harbaugh.
3. They use the word “redemption” while talking about Ray Lewis.
4. They mention how unpopular Roger Goodell is and/or “Bounty Gate.”
5. They show either of the Harbaugh’s parents.
6. They show Archie Manning sitting alone looking sad.
7. You hear a player (probably Colin Kaepernick) cuss on the field
8. Phil Simms gets the rules wrong.
9. Phil Simms calls Jim Nantz “Jeem”
10. Phil Simms tries to explain the offense Niners run and gets it wrong.
11. A player thanks Jesus and acts as if he really thinks Jesus gives a shit who wins a football game.
12. They show an ad for erectile dysfunction
13. You see Peyton Manning in a commercial
14. You see Aaron Rodgers in a commercial.
15. The announcers refer to a white player as "a great competitor" and/or "hard worker" then refer to black players as "great athletes."

Chug an entire beer if …

1. Beyonce is lip-syncing.
2. Beyonce has a wardrobe malfunction.
3. Alicia Keys lip-syncs the Anthem.
4. Alicia Keys has a wardrobe malfunction.

Best snack food options for the Super Bowl are nachos, pizza, meatball sandwiches, nachos, cheese and crackers w/ summer sausage, brats, pigs in blankets, jalapeno poppers, chili and maybe mini cheeseburgers.  But, don't get too fancy and don't go with anything that can't be handled by someone who has been drinking all day.

During every Big Bang Theory promo, or if any of the stars of the shows are in the stands, put on safety glasses and rubber gloves and create a new alcoholic concoction.

During every NCIS promo women should argue over who is hotter, Gibbs or DiNozzo and the men should argue over Kate or Ziva.  Then, everyone shoot a terrorist three times in the chest and throw back a shot of tequila.

If there are any chicks there that have a great badonkadonk like, say Maria Menounos, and they happen to bend over, yell BUTT FUMBLE! Then dive face first into her butt while fumbling a chicken wing.

If you just hate America football and want to ignore the Super Bowl then I have these two music recommendations for you:

Anything by The Cars who were headed up by Baltimore native Rick Ocasik

Or

The Grateful Dead headed up by San Francisco native Jerry Garcia

Maybe you’d rather watch some old TV series? Okay then, I have you covered …

The Wire (the greatest TV series EVER) set in Baltimore …

Or

The Streets of San Francisco

Okay, I guess that covers it. Well, except my prediction:

San Francisco 33
Baltimore        24

Enjoy the game everybody. Or don’t, what do I care?

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 


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