Holaaaaaaaaaaa! I think it’s time for more headlines, don’t
you? Well, okay then …
Local man returns cat to the pet store because the cat doesn’t
do anything cute or funny enough to make a video go viral on YouTube.
The U.S. State Department has order 160,000 hazmat suits to
be used in case of an Ebola outbreak in the United States. Just enough for
every member of the Duggar family.
Baltimore slugger Chris Davis was suspended 25 games after
testing positive for PEDs. The league said Davis’ .176 batting average is what
made them suspicious.
Neither John McCain nor Lindsay Graham will be on any of the
Sunday talk shows as they have run out of countries on Earth for America to
invade.
After months of endless strategy sessions trying to figure
out how to deal with the popularity of minimum wage ballot measures in
Arkansas, republicans have finally settled on a strategy. They’re just going to
claim they’re in favor of the initiative and have been all along.
Nancy Pelosi: “Not to alarm anyone or anything, but if the
republicans take over the senate it will be the end of civilization as we know
it.”
Sarah Palin plans to save her “Sarah Palin Channel” from disappointing
subscription numbers by playing the EPIC ALASKAN BRAWL on the channel 24/7.
“Orange is the New Black” creator has also decided that pussy
is the new dick.
Ray Rice shows a lot of fight. Says he will appeal
indefinite suspension and vows to beat it.
Lindsay Lohan is “determined” to win an Oscar. In related
news, Jayman is “determined” to spend a weekend locked in a penthouse suite
with Elizabeth Hurley.
Area man says after weeks of doing his best to avoid them,
he has now ACCIDENTALLY seen all of the leaked nude pics of Kate Upton and
Jennifer Lawrence and feels terrible about it.
Theodore J. Flicker, the man who created “Barney Miller”
gives up on trying to outlive Abe Vigoda. He was 84.
Robin Thicke admits to drug addiction and that he didn’t
actually write “Blurred Lines.” Actually, nobody will admit to writing “Blurred
Lines.”
The Minnesota Vikings have decided to activate Adrian
Peterson despite his being indicted on child abuse charges. NFL Commissioner
Roger Goodell insists he hasn’t seen the pictures of the child’s injuries.
Urban Outfitters apologized for selling offensive Kent State
shirts that had blood splatter stains on them. They also agreed to cancel the
big order for “Sandy Hook Elementary” sweatshirts they were planning on selling
this winter.
Coca-Cola is hoping to create a little 90’s nostalgia by bringing back Surge Cola. Also hoping to bring back 90’s nostalgia …. HILLARY CLINTON!
English golfer Andy Sullivan won a free trip to outer space
for scoring a hole in one at the KLM Open over the weekend. Sullivan’s reaction
was “what was wrong with just giving away cars like they used to?”
Kanye West stopped his concert in Australia the other night
demanding that a man in a wheel chair stand up and dance like everyone else.
After the show he asked a kid with no arms if he’d like to play catch. Then he challenged
a man with one leg to a butt kicking contest. Then he told a blind man “I bet
you’re really good at playing ‘Marco Polo.’” Then he was heard screaming “I
SAID THANKS FOR COMING TO MY FUCKING SHOW! AREN’T YOU LISTENING? HOW ‘BOUT A
FUCKING YOU’RE WELCOME?” to a deaf lady.
