Screw The Bad News...It's National Cheeseburger Day!!

Greetings and a Happy Thursday to you all. Y’know?

I was going to write about the ongoing NFL saga involving Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, and Greg Hardy among others, but those stories have been beat to death…well to near death…leaving the bastion of integrity that is the NFL looking all black and blue.

So, I thought…

Hey!!  I can write about today’s vote that is taking place in Scotland over whether the Scots would like to secede from the United Kingdom or not.  But then I thought…

Oh sure, it would be interesting to see Scotland gain its independence, but in the end no matter what the outcome, Scottish and British food will still suck, so I decided to write about something that is uplifting and of which I am passionate….Cheeseburgers…and as fate would have it…

Today is National Cheeseburger Day!!

I don’t know about you, but for me, I would rather indulge my palate in an incredibly well prepared cheeseburger than a well cooked steak.  I mean c’mon…Look at this!!

It’s a beautiful sight, albeit to me a bit dry looking, so how about this work of greasy, cheesy, bovine on a bun glory!!?

Cheeseburgers come in all shapes…

Sizes…

In pizza form…

In meatball form…

And even, that’s right!!  Straight from a can!!

So folks, at least for today, let’s forget about all of the turmoil and bad news in the world and enjoy National Cheeseburger Day.  It’s exactly what the Doctor has ordered…

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

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Here's Some Headlines For Your Enjoyment

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! I think it’s time for more headlines, don’t you? Well, okay then …

Local man returns cat to the pet store because the cat doesn’t do anything cute or funny enough to make a video go viral on YouTube.

The U.S. State Department has order 160,000 hazmat suits to be used in case of an Ebola outbreak in the United States. Just enough for every member of the Duggar family.

Baltimore slugger Chris Davis was suspended 25 games after testing positive for PEDs. The league said Davis’ .176 batting average is what made them suspicious.

Neither John McCain nor Lindsay Graham will be on any of the Sunday talk shows as they have run out of countries on Earth for America to invade.

After months of endless strategy sessions trying to figure out how to deal with the popularity of minimum wage ballot measures in Arkansas, republicans have finally settled on a strategy. They’re just going to claim they’re in favor of the initiative and have been all along.

Nancy Pelosi: “Not to alarm anyone or anything, but if the republicans take over the senate it will be the end of civilization as we know it.”

Sarah Palin plans to save her “Sarah Palin Channel” from disappointing subscription numbers by playing the EPIC ALASKAN BRAWL on the channel 24/7.

“Orange is the New Black” creator has also decided that pussy is the new dick.

Ray Rice shows a lot of fight. Says he will appeal indefinite suspension and vows to beat it.

Lindsay Lohan is “determined” to win an Oscar. In related news, Jayman is “determined” to spend a weekend locked in a penthouse suite with Elizabeth Hurley.

Area man says after weeks of doing his best to avoid them, he has now ACCIDENTALLY seen all of the leaked nude pics of Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence and feels terrible about it.

Theodore J. Flicker, the man who created “Barney Miller” gives up on trying to outlive Abe Vigoda. He was 84.

Robin Thicke admits to drug addiction and that he didn’t actually write “Blurred Lines.” Actually, nobody will admit to writing “Blurred Lines.”

The Minnesota Vikings have decided to activate Adrian Peterson despite his being indicted on child abuse charges. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell insists he hasn’t seen the pictures of the child’s injuries.

Urban Outfitters apologized for selling offensive Kent State shirts that had blood splatter stains on them. They also agreed to cancel the big order for “Sandy Hook Elementary” sweatshirts they were planning on selling this winter.

Coca-Cola is hoping to create a little 90’s nostalgia by bringing back Surge Cola. Also hoping to bring back 90’s nostalgia …. HILLARY CLINTON!

English golfer Andy Sullivan won a free trip to outer space for scoring a hole in one at the KLM Open over the weekend. Sullivan’s reaction was “what was wrong with just giving away cars like they used to?”

Kanye West stopped his concert in Australia the other night demanding that a man in a wheel chair stand up and dance like everyone else. After the show he asked a kid with no arms if he’d like to play catch. Then he challenged a man with one leg to a butt kicking contest. Then he told a blind man “I bet you’re really good at playing ‘Marco Polo.’” Then he was heard screaming “I SAID THANKS FOR COMING TO MY FUCKING SHOW! AREN’T YOU LISTENING? HOW ‘BOUT A FUCKING YOU’RE WELCOME?” to a deaf lady.

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Roger Goodell is an Arrogant, Lying Sack of Shit

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! IWS World Media Entertainment Sports Division has exclusively acquired the transcript from the NFL War Room. The following discussions took place beginning a few minutes after the video of Ray Rice beating Janay Palmer inside that elevator through mid-day Wednesday. It’s a truly fascinating look behind the scenes of North America’s most powerful sports league.

NFL Flunky: Commissioner Goodell! I need to speak to you in private.

Goodell: This better be important.

Flunky: It is! A new video of Ray Rice hitting his wife has emerged. It’s really horrible!

Goodell: FANTASTIC! Get the cameras set up. I love a chance to drop the hammer of justice on players.

Flunky: Oh, no sir, uh …. It’s not a new incident. It’s the video from INSIDE the elevator of that casino.

Goodell: GAWD-DAMMIT! I was told that that video had been destroyed … uh … I mean, what video?

Flunky: Do you want to see it? It’s really bad?

Goodell: I’ve already seen it. I mean, it won’t be necessary. We’ve got to get to work. Assemble the PR Team!

Flunky: Who is the PR Team, sir?

Goodell: Peter King, Chris Mortensen, Adam Schefter and the rest.

Flunky: What’s the official line going to be?

Goodell: That we’ve never seen this video before today!

Flunky: There’s a problem with that.

Goodell: Oh really?

Flunky: Back in February we told them that we HAD seen the video and that it exonerates Ray and that Janay attacked him.

Goodell: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it doesn’t show that?

Flunky: No sir.

Goodell: Who was the moron who told them THAT then??

Flunky: Uh, you were sir.

Goodell: *stares*

Flunky: I’ll look into it and find out who did that sir!

Goodell: Okay, call Baltimore and tell them to release Ray Rice.

Flunky: Good idea sir!

Goodell: Then, after they do that I’ll suspend him indefinitely.

Flunky: But, you’ve already ruled on this case sir.

Goodell: Right!

Flunky: So you can’t suspend him again.

Goodell: Who’s gonna stop me?

Flunky: The players union?

Goodell: Exactly! If we can get the union to file a grievance we’ll be the good guys again!

Flunky: OMG! You’re brilliant sir! They’ll be defending a wife beater!

Goodell: I amaze myself sometimes.

Flunky: What if the union doesn’t do anything?

Goodell: Better set up a one-on-one interview for me with someone.

Flunky: ESPN? Fox Sports? Bob Costas!!

Goodell: CBS! They’ve got Thursday night games for one season only, but want the next five also. No way they would risk that! Tell them they’ve got some really nice NFL shows and specials and making a lot of money and you’d hate for something bad to happen to that.

Flunky: Brilliant again sir! Jim Nantz? He’s at his goomah’s. I have the number.

Goodell: No …. It needs to be a woman who does the interview.

Flunky: I am in awe of you right now Mr. Goodell.

Goodell: Okay, I want confusing and conflicting stories put out there. The only clear part will be that I have never seen the video. Tell Baltimore they’re on their own, but let them know what we’re up to. More or less. Also, use your burner phone and get a hold of King, Mort and Schefty. Let them know that we’re aware of their predicament, but if they take one for the team there will be a reward down the road. They’re all young men. They have many years of being NFL insiders ahead of them. They have kids, grandkids and families to think about.

After I do the interview on CBS I want you to put out yet another statement. Wait, make it a letter to every team in the league. In THAT letter claim that we made several attempts to acquire the video, but we rebuffed.

Flunky: But, that will contradict everything said up to that point.

Goodell: *looking out the window at the New York City skyline” …. Exactly! Several different stories to confuse people with one common thread running through all of them.  

Flunky: What’s that sir?

Goodell: Roger Goodell didn't do anything wrong.

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Observations, Epiphanies, and HUGE Heads

Over the past week or so I have noticed some things that disturb, confound, or just make me sit up and take notice.  I offer unto you a few observances that I haven’t spoken out about that have made me go Hmmmmm?

So if I may indulge myself upon your time on this gorgeous Tuesday, let me impart unto you those things that I have recently noticed.

I have always known that Brian Kilmeade…I mean, Brian “Women Can Get Pap Smears at Walgreen’s” Kilmeade is not a bright man, but I never knew he had an inane solution to end the problem of women such as Mrs. Janay Rice, getting beaten up in elevators…He said, “The Message is…next time take the stairs.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Monday that the latest Ray and Janay Rice video in the elevator that showed him punching her, was the first time the video had been seen in the NFL offices.  He then paused for a micro-second and added, “by all of us.”  Am I the only one who caught that odd addendum?

Chuck Woolery does a TV commercial for an arthritis/pain relief ointment called Australian Dream.  I have now seen that commercial numerable times and you know what I take away from that ad?

Chuck Woolery has a HUGE head.  I mean his noggin is GINORMOUS.  That boy has got one Sphinx-Sized think melon!!  Holy Shit!!

In other commercial related news…during the morning shows that I watch, I am now seeing a government PSA by the Department of Energy or something that gives tips on how to save on energy and on energy bills.

One of the tips tells people to turn DOWN their A/C (and shows the thermostat going down) when leaving the house…really?  You should actually turn the thermostat UP in order to reduce the running of your A/C unit.

Last night, I saw a report published via Twitter by a fave of the IWS Radio Show one Ezra Klein, that says that 50% of women in America have been physically abused.  And what did I take away from his report?

While I don’t think that that is true, I do think that 100% of “news” organizations will jump on a headline bandwagon any chance they get.

Lastly?

This past Sunday’s IWS Radio Show about feminism ‘n’ such is doing really well.  We thank everyone for listening live, and if you have a moment, give the show a listen in archives.  It has some really funny moments and we would appreciate your support.

You can catch this past Sunday’s show by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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