Roger Goodell is an Arrogant, Lying Sack of Shit

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! IWS World Media Entertainment Sports Division has exclusively acquired the transcript from the NFL War Room. The following discussions took place beginning a few minutes after the video of Ray Rice beating Janay Palmer inside that elevator through mid-day Wednesday. It’s a truly fascinating look behind the scenes of North America’s most powerful sports league.

NFL Flunky: Commissioner Goodell! I need to speak to you in private.

Goodell: This better be important.

Flunky: It is! A new video of Ray Rice hitting his wife has emerged. It’s really horrible!

Goodell: FANTASTIC! Get the cameras set up. I love a chance to drop the hammer of justice on players.

Flunky: Oh, no sir, uh …. It’s not a new incident. It’s the video from INSIDE the elevator of that casino.

Goodell: GAWD-DAMMIT! I was told that that video had been destroyed … uh … I mean, what video?

Flunky: Do you want to see it? It’s really bad?

Goodell: I’ve already seen it. I mean, it won’t be necessary. We’ve got to get to work. Assemble the PR Team!

Flunky: Who is the PR Team, sir?

Goodell: Peter King, Chris Mortensen, Adam Schefter and the rest.

Flunky: What’s the official line going to be?

Goodell: That we’ve never seen this video before today!

Flunky: There’s a problem with that.

Goodell: Oh really?

Flunky: Back in February we told them that we HAD seen the video and that it exonerates Ray and that Janay attacked him.

Goodell: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it doesn’t show that?

Flunky: No sir.

Goodell: Who was the moron who told them THAT then??

Flunky: Uh, you were sir.

Goodell: *stares*

Flunky: I’ll look into it and find out who did that sir!

Goodell: Okay, call Baltimore and tell them to release Ray Rice.

Flunky: Good idea sir!

Goodell: Then, after they do that I’ll suspend him indefinitely.

Flunky: But, you’ve already ruled on this case sir.

Goodell: Right!

Flunky: So you can’t suspend him again.

Goodell: Who’s gonna stop me?

Flunky: The players union?

Goodell: Exactly! If we can get the union to file a grievance we’ll be the good guys again!

Flunky: OMG! You’re brilliant sir! They’ll be defending a wife beater!

Goodell: I amaze myself sometimes.

Flunky: What if the union doesn’t do anything?

Goodell: Better set up a one-on-one interview for me with someone.

Flunky: ESPN? Fox Sports? Bob Costas!!

Goodell: CBS! They’ve got Thursday night games for one season only, but want the next five also. No way they would risk that! Tell them they’ve got some really nice NFL shows and specials and making a lot of money and you’d hate for something bad to happen to that.

Flunky: Brilliant again sir! Jim Nantz? He’s at his goomah’s. I have the number.

Goodell: No …. It needs to be a woman who does the interview.

Flunky: I am in awe of you right now Mr. Goodell.

Goodell: Okay, I want confusing and conflicting stories put out there. The only clear part will be that I have never seen the video. Tell Baltimore they’re on their own, but let them know what we’re up to. More or less. Also, use your burner phone and get a hold of King, Mort and Schefty. Let them know that we’re aware of their predicament, but if they take one for the team there will be a reward down the road. They’re all young men. They have many years of being NFL insiders ahead of them. They have kids, grandkids and families to think about.

After I do the interview on CBS I want you to put out yet another statement. Wait, make it a letter to every team in the league. In THAT letter claim that we made several attempts to acquire the video, but we rebuffed.

Flunky: But, that will contradict everything said up to that point.

Goodell: *looking out the window at the New York City skyline” …. Exactly! Several different stories to confuse people with one common thread running through all of them.  

Flunky: What’s that sir?

Goodell: Roger Goodell didn't do anything wrong.

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Observations, Epiphanies, and HUGE Heads

Over the past week or so I have noticed some things that disturb, confound, or just make me sit up and take notice.  I offer unto you a few observances that I haven’t spoken out about that have made me go Hmmmmm?

So if I may indulge myself upon your time on this gorgeous Tuesday, let me impart unto you those things that I have recently noticed.

I have always known that Brian Kilmeade…I mean, Brian “Women Can Get Pap Smears at Walgreen’s” Kilmeade is not a bright man, but I never knew he had an inane solution to end the problem of women such as Mrs. Janay Rice, getting beaten up in elevators…He said, “The Message is…next time take the stairs.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Monday that the latest Ray and Janay Rice video in the elevator that showed him punching her, was the first time the video had been seen in the NFL offices.  He then paused for a micro-second and added, “by all of us.”  Am I the only one who caught that odd addendum?

Chuck Woolery does a TV commercial for an arthritis/pain relief ointment called Australian Dream.  I have now seen that commercial numerable times and you know what I take away from that ad?

Chuck Woolery has a HUGE head.  I mean his noggin is GINORMOUS.  That boy has got one Sphinx-Sized think melon!!  Holy Shit!!

In other commercial related news…during the morning shows that I watch, I am now seeing a government PSA by the Department of Energy or something that gives tips on how to save on energy and on energy bills.

One of the tips tells people to turn DOWN their A/C (and shows the thermostat going down) when leaving the house…really?  You should actually turn the thermostat UP in order to reduce the running of your A/C unit.

Last night, I saw a report published via Twitter by a fave of the IWS Radio Show one Ezra Klein, that says that 50% of women in America have been physically abused.  And what did I take away from his report?

While I don’t think that that is true, I do think that 100% of “news” organizations will jump on a headline bandwagon any chance they get.

Lastly?

This past Sunday’s IWS Radio Show about feminism ‘n’ such is doing really well.  We thank everyone for listening live, and if you have a moment, give the show a listen in archives.  It has some really funny moments and we would appreciate your support.

You can catch this past Sunday’s show by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Roger Goodell's Authoritarian Life

Hola Thugs and Cheap Shot Artists! By now you probably know that His Excellency Most Beloved and Feared Supreme Leader and Grand Poobah of the NFL, Roger Goodell has dished out the discipline in the Saints Bounty Program matter. Rockin’ Roger suspended Gregg Williams indefinitely and rescinded Williams’ superfluous “G” from his first name. Goodell then gave Sean Peyton a one year suspension and docked the Saints some draft choices. Afterwards, sportswriters all over the country dropped to their knees, licked their lips and stared longingly at Goodell’s raging authoritarian manhood.

What a lot of people don’t know though, is that Roger Goodell has a long history of laying down the law. He has had a no tolerance policy since he was a little kid. And, our crack staff here at IWS World Media has uncovered some of the times his authoritarian streak has appeared in the past.

Summer of 1964: A five year old Roger Goodell informed his mother that, since it was Tuesday, he would be having peanut butter and jelly for lunch. But, it turned out that Mother Goodell didn’t have any peanut butter in the house, so she attempted to serve Roger a baloney sandwich. While being a fan of baloney, Roger simply couldn’t allow his mother to deviate from the weekly schedule. So Roger suspended his mother from watching General Hospital for the rest of the week, and fined her one extra Twinkie for him to eat at a later date when he was craving one.

Summer of 1968: After watching the CBS Evening News and becoming enraged at all the “DIRTY FUCKING HIPPIES” protesting against the war in Vietnam and the government, Goodell ordered Walter Cronkite suspended from appearing on the family TV for two full weeks and ordered the family to instead watch the Hunt-Brinkley report.

Summer of 1976: Roger’s brother Tim accidentally scratched and ruined Roger’s Barry White “Can’t Get Enough” album. Roger wasn’t understanding at all. He suspended Tim from borrowing any albums indefinitely. A suspension he didn’t lift until 2002. He also fined Tim his Roberto Clemente and Lou Brock rookie cards. Harsh!

Winter of 1980: Roger had always allowed his roommate at Washington and Jefferson College permission to wear one of his sweaters when going on a date, but one time the roomie wore it without asking. Incensed at this breach of protocol, Roger was forced to deny his roommate use of any of his sweaters AND forbid him from getting any condoms out of Roger’s stash for the remainder of the semester.

Spring of 1990: After his dog Rufus chewed up his copy of The Road to Power by Josef Stalin, Roger was exasperated. He had already given Rufus his one warning three years earlier when Rufus peed on the Persian Rug in the basement. So, Goodell suspended Rufus from going to the dog park for three months and took one of Rufus’ squeaky toys away. He then went on to warn Rufus that if there were any other indiscretions he would be sent to live with Mitt Romney.

So, as you can see, Roger Goodell has been preparing his whole life to be the Supreme Leader of the NFL or some other organization in desperate need of a daddy to keep everyone in line. There have been many other examples of Goodell’s authoritarian training, but honestly, they’re just too disturbing to report on. Yes, even more disturbing than sending his dog to live with Mitt Romney.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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In other news, we had a really Wild Wednesday on I’m With Stupid this week. We talked about the Illinois primary, Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow. After that we discussed the Tayvon Martin situation and then launched a few more Molotov Mocktails in what is fast becoming our best all-around segment. So, totally check it out!!

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