Four NFL Gladiators, Winners on the Gridiron and Now ...

IWS Person(s) of the Week!!!

This is it folks! It’s Championship Sunday! The NFL conference championships will be played on the frozen tundra of some corporate field in Denver and Seattle today. Doing battle will be four men who are not only amazing quarterbacks, but four of the greatest human beings on Earth!

In the AFC we have…

The dashing good looks of the New England Patriots’ Tom Brady

Vs

The folksy charm of the Denver Broncos’ Peyton Manning

In the NFC we have …

The fire and showmanship of the San Francisco 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick

Vs

The cool confidence of the Seattle Seahawks’ Russell Wilson

There are a lot of other players competing in the game, but nobody really cares who they are. Anyway, congrats to you SEXY BEASTS for being named the IWS Person(s) of the Week and enjoy the games everyone. Or don’t. Whatever. 

Slyder Balzcock: The Bridges of Madison Square Garden

Hey there, sports fans…

IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock with your, “Welcome to the Weekend Sports Update.”

This past week has been mocked, marred, and made interestingly enough by a whole lotta stuff, so let’s dust off home plate and kick off the pigskin.

Seems that the Indyapolis Colts have ridden Payton Manning as far as his ball talent will carry them, as they released Manning to ride another type of horse to the Denver Broncos.

In my opinion, Manning will be lobbying six point STDs to WRs, Eric Dicker, and newly and recently acquired former Cleveland Bengal, Anthony Caldwell, from the first kickoff to the last at bat in no time.

If only the Broncos still had their great RB from the 70’s, Floyd Patterson, they could probably make a Super Bowl rung this year.

I guess the best news of this entire deal, is that Archie Manning said that the trade, move, and amount of money offered to Payton was, “adequate.”

Arch is always on the look out for his little boy, God Bless him.

In a relative story…

Newly former Denver Bronco QB Tim Tebow is now a New York Jet.

And as Big Apple West Siders, Action, A-Rab, and Big John say on Broadway…

“When you’re a Jet, you stay a Jet.”

So I guess Tebow is there until he throws a Touchdown pass or until the Trinity Broadcasting Network offers him more money with fewer bruises, than the NFL, whichever comes first.  Here he comes God-Lovin’ TBN fans!!

Speaking of bruises, former Seattle Supersonics basketball defensive stand out and now currently former News Orlean Saints football coach Gary Payton, has been bruised by a suspension and huge fine by the NFL.

Apparently Payton and the Saints organization were paying blood money to their employees if they tackled opposing players meanly and left them with soiled uniforms.

Trust me, I have seen the Saints play outside the domed environment on real turf and have never witnessed them leaving a player soiled, but so be it...If Gary Payton is gone, and they need a new coach?

Dust off former Saints head coach Hank Stram, and viola,  "Lazay-Lay Bon-Tom Roulay."

Sure, Hank may be a little rusty, but in the immortal words of Canadian Rock and Roller, and former British Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock…

“Rust Never Sleeps.”

And there you have it folks…Your week in sports from IWS, and yours truly.

For now, this is Sports Director Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field, and headin’ to the showers…

Slyder can be reached through Matt-Man at the following addresses:

E-Mail:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Roger Goodell's Authoritarian Life

Hola Thugs and Cheap Shot Artists! By now you probably know that His Excellency Most Beloved and Feared Supreme Leader and Grand Poobah of the NFL, Roger Goodell has dished out the discipline in the Saints Bounty Program matter. Rockin’ Roger suspended Gregg Williams indefinitely and rescinded Williams’ superfluous “G” from his first name. Goodell then gave Sean Peyton a one year suspension and docked the Saints some draft choices. Afterwards, sportswriters all over the country dropped to their knees, licked their lips and stared longingly at Goodell’s raging authoritarian manhood.

What a lot of people don’t know though, is that Roger Goodell has a long history of laying down the law. He has had a no tolerance policy since he was a little kid. And, our crack staff here at IWS World Media has uncovered some of the times his authoritarian streak has appeared in the past.

Summer of 1964: A five year old Roger Goodell informed his mother that, since it was Tuesday, he would be having peanut butter and jelly for lunch. But, it turned out that Mother Goodell didn’t have any peanut butter in the house, so she attempted to serve Roger a baloney sandwich. While being a fan of baloney, Roger simply couldn’t allow his mother to deviate from the weekly schedule. So Roger suspended his mother from watching General Hospital for the rest of the week, and fined her one extra Twinkie for him to eat at a later date when he was craving one.

Summer of 1968: After watching the CBS Evening News and becoming enraged at all the “DIRTY FUCKING HIPPIES” protesting against the war in Vietnam and the government, Goodell ordered Walter Cronkite suspended from appearing on the family TV for two full weeks and ordered the family to instead watch the Hunt-Brinkley report.

Summer of 1976: Roger’s brother Tim accidentally scratched and ruined Roger’s Barry White “Can’t Get Enough” album. Roger wasn’t understanding at all. He suspended Tim from borrowing any albums indefinitely. A suspension he didn’t lift until 2002. He also fined Tim his Roberto Clemente and Lou Brock rookie cards. Harsh!

Winter of 1980: Roger had always allowed his roommate at Washington and Jefferson College permission to wear one of his sweaters when going on a date, but one time the roomie wore it without asking. Incensed at this breach of protocol, Roger was forced to deny his roommate use of any of his sweaters AND forbid him from getting any condoms out of Roger’s stash for the remainder of the semester.

Spring of 1990: After his dog Rufus chewed up his copy of The Road to Power by Josef Stalin, Roger was exasperated. He had already given Rufus his one warning three years earlier when Rufus peed on the Persian Rug in the basement. So, Goodell suspended Rufus from going to the dog park for three months and took one of Rufus’ squeaky toys away. He then went on to warn Rufus that if there were any other indiscretions he would be sent to live with Mitt Romney.

So, as you can see, Roger Goodell has been preparing his whole life to be the Supreme Leader of the NFL or some other organization in desperate need of a daddy to keep everyone in line. There have been many other examples of Goodell’s authoritarian training, but honestly, they’re just too disturbing to report on. Yes, even more disturbing than sending his dog to live with Mitt Romney.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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In other news, we had a really Wild Wednesday on I’m With Stupid this week. We talked about the Illinois primary, Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow. After that we discussed the Tayvon Martin situation and then launched a few more Molotov Mocktails in what is fast becoming our best all-around segment. So, totally check it out!!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Fuck It

Yesterday, while seeping through the sewer system societal wonder that is the tubes of the internets, I came across something that I have seen before, and it set off a chain reaction of anger within me so great, that I ripped the hair from my head.

Okay, I rubbed my obviously bald think melon until it bled, but you get the point. Anyway…

My tirade was related to the use, and in some instances, the non-use, of the English language by some in this wacky world. And what set it off, you ask?

I was reading a blog and within the body of the article, the author typed, “f*ck.”

I am not sanitizing his words; he literally typed, “f*ck”, complete with asterisk.

I…HATE…that. Always have. Makes the Matt-Man irrationally hateful. Makes the Matt-Man think, speak, and type in annoying, third person sentence fragments.

Listen folks…If you feel the need to the use word “fuck”, use it.

Don’t type “f*ck”.

That is just plain silly and childish. Fuck is a great verb, and when morphed into “fucking” or better yet, “fuckin’”, acts as an awesome adjective, adverb, and/or intensifier.

So hear me now…Please refrain from taking a fantastic word such as “fuck” and bastardizing it. Oh excuse me, you sensitive types…please refrain from b*stardizing it. Anyway…

After my irrational upheaval involving the word fuck, it was announced that the Cincinnati Bengals traded Carson Palmer to the Oakland Raiders. 

I really didn’t give a shit about the news until I heard a sports clown say the following about whether Palmer was worth potentially two first round draft picks…

“It’s a good deal for the Bengals. Palmer is an adequate Quarterback, but he’s definitely not in the same league as your Peyton Mannings, your Tom Bradys, or your Aaron Rodgerses…”

What the hell is with the pluralization of these guys?

Last time I checked the list of NFL Quarterbacks, there was only ONE Peyton Manning, only ONE Tom Brady, and only ONE Aaron Rodgers!! Oh Dear Gawwwwd!!

I…HATE…That. Always have. Makes the Matt-Man irrationally hateful. Makes the Matt-Man think, speak, and type in annoying third person sentence fragments.

And then…The dam of bad English broke quicker than a N’awlins levee…I witnessed a chick say that she got a new purse, “FOR free.” 

Hey Blondie…one doesn’t get anything FOR free; one sometimes gets things, “free.”

I also saw the typical outrage by some over people using the words “gay” and “retarded” to describe things. Shut the hell up, whiners. Some things are gay. Some things are retarded.

Listen bitches, I took my son to school Tuesday, and he was wearing a pink polo shirt, beige shorts, blue/gray socks, and white tennis shoes that had a purple swoosh on them. Hell, he looked gay AND retarded, and I told him so.

I beg of you all…Could we please allow the beauty and clarity of the English language to be spoken and written as it was intended? Help me to keep political correctness and suburban sissiness out of a great language.

‘Cause if you don’t, not only will I revert once again to talking in third person sentence fragments, I will call you an a**hole, because as hateful Matt-Man knows…

Behind every asterisk, lies an asshole...or two.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

P.S.  Listen to Jayman and me on I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 11 AM EDT today as we talk Susan Sarandon, the World Series, and prep for our Saturday Show.

Crackerville In Da House!

Howdy Ho folks!  Crackerville here. Some of you may know me by Wacky Cracky, or the Crackinator, or Sexy Cracky or my favorite, Crackerlicious. As you should recall, I was the featured guest on I’m With Stupid: The Sandwich Show episode.  That was the day I set the internets on fire and Matt-Man and Jayman made me famous! 

So, when Jayman suggested over on Twitter that maybe I could do a guest post for the IWS blog, I responded “I’m at your service!” Cause that’s just the sweet and thoughtful kind of girl I am. In fact, if you ever look at my Tumblr (WARNING: SOOOOO NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!) you’ll see that I’m a very giving girl. Besides, I was one of the first I’m With Stupid Girls. So, I’ll do damn near anything for my boys.

Anyhoodle, I thought for my sure to be award-winning post here, I would go with a little stream of consciousness blogging.  Let’s do this!  

I love the internet. I’ve met so many amazing and interesting people here. If you read my Tumblr blog you’ll know what one of them is “Sir.” He’s really taught me to think outside the box. And put things inside MY box! As Matt-Man would say “Hey-OOOOO!” 

Don’t look at my Tumblr if you’re super sensitive or easily offended. There aren’t too many people like that on the internet, except for a few mouthy bitches on Twitter who are obsessed with me. In general, I guess people with a stick up their butt shouldn’t be following me. 

Branson, MO likes to call itself the “Entertainment Capital of America” but only because I’m here. I’m entertaining as hell baby! 

I love the NFL. I especially love Peyton Manning. He better sign a new deal with the Colts and gets his hot ass out there playing. Man, that guy could send a play right through my five-hole anytime. Or drill one into my tight end. Or penetrate my defense. Or tell me to go DEEEEEEEEP! Or flicker my flea. Or run a power dive into my box. OR run a QB sneak up my middle. If you get my drift, and I think that you do.  Eli can watch cause he’s kinda nice too. 

I love summer cause I love to swim during the day and then grill out at night. And while we’re grilling I like to kick back and drink some Keystone Ice.  I like Keystone cause it’s smooth like Keith Stone. Oh, and I might do a few shots of tequila every once in a while too. That’s when things really get wild! Woo-Hoo! 

I quit smoking four months ago. Damn that was hard. I had to find a new hobby and deal with my oral fixation. Thank goodness I found Tubmlr and “Sir.”  Of course, that candle wax burned like a motherfucker though. Maybe I shouldn’t have used cheapo candles form Walmart? But, that’s the cost of being an entertainer. You have to sacrifice for your craft. Amirite? 

Boy, I sure could go for a roast beef sandwich right about now. No, not a RUSTY sandwich Matt-Man! I know what you were thinking. 

Okay kids! That’s really all I’ve got for now. Maybe I’ll be back around someday in the future. But, even if I don’t, I know you’ll remember me forever. That’s what happens when you get Crackerfied! 

And always remember kids. Crackerville loves you. <3