Blogmas Day 1: Santa Brought Us Miley Cyrus

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Welcome to Blogmas! Yup, that’s right it’s Blogmas and IWS Radio is participating! We’ll be posting SOMETHING here on this blog every single day in December. I have no idea WHAT we will post, but we’ll figure it out. Somedays is might be a hilarious story. Others it might be something really deep and thoughtful. Sometimes it will just be a funny video and maybe every once in a while we’ll take an article written by some self-important political or sports pundit and analyze their analysis or possibly make fun of them. Most likely make fun of them.

Anyway, it’s Blogmas and we’re fully committed. That makes me just a little …

HA! Not really, I just wanted to post a pic of Miley Cyrus’ butt. It’s a nice butt. I’m sure her new song “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” is wonderful. I haven’t had a chance to listen to it yet though. Maybe I will this weekend. No, lots of football and, of course IWS Radio is happening this weekend. I’ll try to next week. We’ll see. If you’re interested, and I know that you are, you can watch it right here:

Did you enjoy it? I hope so. Miley is a nice girl. I’m sure it’s way better than that silly new song by Ariana Grande.

Damn, I’m coming back with some serious content! This is gonna be fun! Speaking of “coming back” I’m making my triumphant return to IWS Radio this week! Hell yeah! I’ve been on Leave of Absence for, uh, let’s see, ONE WEEK! Whew! I missed everyone! It was okay though because Jamie Mapleleaf stood in for me and she rocked the house! Seriously, check it out:



Jamie and Matt-Man did just fine without me. No problem at all. I wasn’t even needed. Nope. Not. One. Bit. Now, I’m sad. I’ll get over it though cause tomorrow it will be time to get back in the saddle and ride as we join the War on Christmas, which is already in progress! I highly recommend y’all listen!

Anyway, as I was saying, it’s Blogmas and IWS Radio is participating cause that’s the kind of people we are. We like to join fun parties like this. Plus, Blogmas is the most special time of year. I hope everyone else is in the Blogmas spirit. It would be just awful if there was also a War on Blogmas. If there is count us in on that war too. We’re ready to kick some ass!

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Is Taylor Swift a White Supremacist Nazi Sympathizer?

Maybe it’s just me, but if people had any question as to whether or not I supported white supremacists and Nazis, I would clear that up pretty quickly.  I wouldn’t wait to find out how much it might cost me in album, ticket and merchandise sales either. I would immediately and forcefully make my condemnation of these hate groups known to everyone. I wouldn’t say “well, my new video is premiering on the MTV Video Awards and new album is dropping at the same time, so I’ll just wait and see if this all blows over.” 

It just so happens that there IS a huge pop star who these vile racist groups do consider their “Aryan Goddess.” We are, of course, talking about Taylor Swift. Taylor is famously “non-political” which is fine most of the time, I guess. But, we’re not living in normal times and this isn’t a normal political issues. We’re talking about hate groups who have called for the ethnic cleansing of all non-white Christians from America. So, why won’t Taylor Swift condemn them? Does she support them? 

Last week the VMA’s were full of musical artists taking a stand against these white supremacist Nazi groups. Artist after artist spoke out eloquently and strongly in favor of tolerance and love. Everyone except Taylor Swift, that is. Instead, Swift debuted her latest “I’m a victim of the big, scary black guy” song complete with the mocking of Kim Kardashian being assaulted and robbed while looking strangely like Melania Trump. Should we just take that video as her position on hate and tolerance? 

Even if Taylor Swift isn’t a white supremacist Nazi sympathizer, why would she refuse to publicly condemn them? Would the small financial hit she would take after they dropped her and stopped buying her music and posters really hurt Taylor that much? Is she so craven that she doesn’t consider standing up for what’s right to be more important than her place as the “Queen of Pop?” (Hint: Yes, she is.)

Yeah, I know. You’re going to point out that I have always disliked Taylor Swift and considered her a fraud and a horrible human being. Well, that’s true and you know what? I think I’ve been proven right over and over again. About ninety percent of Taylor Swift’s fan base is teenagers. Teenagers and young people are the most accepting and tolerant generation of Americans. There is no way they would turn on her if she publicly condemned hatred, racism and bigotry. The only people who would get mad are the Alt-Right and Donald Trump’s most fervent supporters. Her continued silence can only make one think that Taylor Swift fully supports those deplorable, racist white supremacist Nazi bastards.  

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Also, we kicked off Season GR8 on IWS Radio this week! Give it a listen and enjoy all the fun and games plus hear all the GR8 ideas Matt-Man and Jayman have in store for the new season. It’s gonna be LIT! 

Hillary's VP Shortlist: Pros and Cons

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! We’re down to the wire in the Veepstakes for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. So, as a service to our readers, here is a quick review of the top contenders to be Hillary Clinton’s Vice President …. 

Senator Tim Kaine (Virginia): 

Pros: A safe establishment pick from an important swing state who speaks fluent Spanish, Kaine would fit perfectly with Clinton’s only slightly left-of-center positions. He is also boring as hell and there’s no concern that he will overshadow the candidate. Also, writers can use the phrase “Kaine brings the pain” after every speech he gives. 

Cons: Who the fuck is Time Kaine?  

Senator Elizabeth Warren (Taxachusets):

Pros: Elizabeth Warren is wildly popular with the left in the Democratic Party. She’s pro-worker’s rights, anti-Wall Street and is a very feisty campaigner who has proven that she can get under Donald Trump’s leathery orange skin. 

Cons: Come on …. Elizabeth and Hillary hate each other’s fucking guts. We all know it. No way two women can run on the same ticket together without having a YUUUUUUGE blowout! Even if they win they will have put a line of duct tape down the middle of the West Wing and each stay on their respective sides. 

Senator Sherrod Brown (Ohio): 

Pros: A veteran who has a long history of liberal politics, Brown is another favorite of unions and other left-leaning special interest groups. He voted against NAFTA, the Iraq War, TPP and uh, other stuff that people on the left hate. Ohio is another very important swing state and he gives Hillary a lot of cover from her critics on the left including Bernie supporters. 

Cons: After listening to his raspy voice for about five minutes voters will be concerned that his three-pack a day smoking habit will result in his not living through a full term as VP. 

Miley Cyrus (California/Tennessee):

Pros: Young, vibrant and extremely popular Miley could inject some much needed energy and nakedness into the Clinton campaign. She can bring hundreds of thousands or even millions of young people to the polls and launch the political revolution that Bernie Sanders dreamed of for Hillary. Again, she can do all this while constantly getting NEKKID! 

Cons: I don’t see any downside here. 

Labor Secretary Tom Perez (Parts Unknown):

Pros: Another Spanish speaking hero of the working class left, Perez might go down as one of the most consequential Labor Secretaries of all time. Not that the bar has been set all that high on that one. Also, he’s a regular guy as proven by the fact that he goes by “Tom” instead of “Thomas.”  Most importantly, Perez rhymes with VicePrez. It works! 

Cons: Who the fuck is Tom Perez?

Rep. Xavier Becerra (Calif.): 

Pros: “The X-Man” … “Mr. X-citement” … “The X-Factor” … “X Marks the Veep” … “He’s an X-cellent campaigner” … “The X-terminator” … I think you see where this is going. Lots of upside here. Also, he was apparently named after a college in Cincinnati so that would help Hillary in Ohio. 

Cons: Americans might have had enough of people in high public office with funny sounding names. 

Matt-Man (Ohio) and Jayman (Arkansas):

Pros: A real outside the box idea of nominating two people to fill one position. Matt and Jay are a two-for-one package. Meaning they will split the salary and benefits of the office of Vice President evenly. They will also split the duties and have their personal assistant and good friend Jamie Mapleleaf  keep track of funerals and boring-ass conferences each has attended to keep things fair. Plus, they will keep the masses entertained and distracted while Hillary takes care of the business of the nation. 

Cons: They need Sundays off. 

Team Miley or Team Nicki? How 'Bout Team IWS!!

Season Six of IWS Radio got off to a wild and sniffy start. Matt-Man had to work the whole weekend because OTHER people like to take vacations and Jayman was suffering through an early fall allergy attack. Jay did his best to not let his sniffing, hacking and wheezing distract from the hilarity of the show though. So what all happened? Well ….

Matt-Man gave the big guy upstairs (God, not his upstairs neighbor) credit for intervening and making a customer choose beer instead of wine. The Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Burnett and Elmore Roads in Bagwine, Ohio) isn’t allowed to legally sell wine on Sundays and Matt forgot!

Jayman has a pretty slow week and scoured his notes hoping to find something that happened that he could share with IWS’ vast and diverse worldwide audience, but it was no use. He felt like he let the fans down, but didn’t want to make anything up. IWS listeners are way to intelligent to fall for that!

Jayman announced that IWS was NOT renewing the contracts of Dusty Sandman and the Alarmist Weatherman for Season Six.

Matt-Man announced that Stubby Stonehenge had been let go. He might be dead. We don’t know.

Dick Berns made his triumphant return to IWS Radio though with a rousing report from New Orleans commemorating the 10 year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.!

There was some baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad music played!

Jayman lamented the fact that doing the show in prime time meant he wouldn’t be able to watch the first hour of Miley Cyrus hosting the MTV Video Music Awards.

Jeb Bush and Jeb Bush’s badly Photoshopped black hand did a Direct TV ad that was hilarious!

Jeb Bush also had a little  problem saying that Asians are the biggest “anchor babies” in America.

Hillary made a really pathetic attempt at using humor to deflect her little email problem.

Matt and Jay wondered if both Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush should just drop out of the race. They agreed that both Hillary and Jeb have been running truly horrible campaigns.

Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf updated us on the Canadian elections and how things are shaping up in America’s Attic.

IWS World Media News Division broke the news that Obama will allow Mt. McKinley to be renamed “Denali” which was its original name. Plus Matt and Jay predicted the whiny crybaby fit republicans would throw over this decision.

Matt and Jay discussed possible new segment ideas or guest ideas for Season Six.

You definitely need to check this prime time gem out! Seriously! 

                              

Mariah Carey, Abby Huntsman in an IWS Three-Way

Season FIVE of IWS Radio got off to a wacky start. Matt and Jay were kind of all over the place.

Matt-Man talked about HIS intestinal problems this week.

Jayman talked about the Tea Party problems in Redneck County, Arkansas

Jessie Ferg showed up in the chat room and did a new bumper for us with such enthusiasm he caught Matt-Man off guard.

Matt and Jay discussed the OUTRAGE that is the Dominican Republic banning a Miley Cryus concert on morality grounds.

Matt and Jay joined in with the residents of Ferguson, Missouri throwing rocks at MSNBC’s Chris Hayes.

Bobby Kraft gave us his ideas for him in Season Five while he also gave a shout out to Mariah Carey.

Paul Piatt read a beautiful poem by THE Ohio State University super fan Frank Blatz.

The Alarmist Weatherman had a strange run in with Dusty Sandman who is a bit confused as to how the whole Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS works.

Matt and Jay discussed the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge and how some people are clearly cheating by using warm weather. Like Mitt Romney and Abby Huntsman (Editor’s Note: RAWR!)

Don Lemon got pushed around by a raging racist cop and Jay got unfollowed by someone on Twitter who supported the racist cop.

Jay came up with some ideas for Ferguson’s upcoming re-branding efforts.

Singen Burke from Latte of Shallot dropped by.  

Reverend Moneymaker called out both Guy AND Drew Peacock this week as his downward spiral continues.

And sooooooooo much more!!! Definitely check it out! 

                               

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Miley Cyrus Bangerz on NBC Review

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! I know it seemed like IWS would never return, but we have! I hope everyone’s Fourth of July weekend was as fun and exciting as mine was. It was full of family, burgers, brats, bourbon, beer, ice cream and laughs. Aaaaaaaaaand, just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, on Sunday night I found out that NBC was airing a Miley Cyrus special! Squeeeeeeeeee!

Over the last few years NBC has been the most forward-thinking of the major networks and proves it again by airing a Miley Cyrus special including lots of footage from her Bangerz Tour shot in Barcelona. While CBS continues to produce shows for old people and ABC is being kept afloat by Sofia Vergara’s boobs, NBC is actually putting together programing that people are interested in. After hitting home runs with Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers, the folks at 30 Rockefeller Center knocked another one out of the park with this Miley special.

It all starts with Miley waxing philosophical about her place in the music and entertainment world. “When they’re there and I see the faces, I feel like they’re learning… and they feel safe in there,” Miley said in a stunning moment of self-awareness as the show began. “I think my fans feel safe in that room with me; I feel like they think that I’m some sort of leader and I’m giving them that push to go forward.” What was really amazing about a statement like that is that despite the massive crowds screaming her name, the sold out mega arenas and churning out hit after hit, Miley remains very down to Earth and humble. This reflects the fact that her upbringing at the hands of Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus was far more grounded than people want to believe.

The special treated us to much of Miley live on stage in Barcelona and some behind the scenes moments with her and her family and fans. It was a really intimate and even heart-warming look into Miley’s life on the road. Probably the most surprising and touching moment came when Miley talked about the death of her dog Floyd. “I really made myself sick over it” said Miley as tears streamed from her caring and loving blue eyes down her rosy cheeks. Another great moment was the close up of Miley brushing her teeth. Sure, some people didn’t get that part, but remember many people see Miley as a leader. She was reminding them that gingivitis is no joke and to make sure they brush! I salute her for this and her amazing attention to detail.

There really isn’t any doubt that Miley is someone whose style, sophistication, class, work ethic and beauty are matched only by her talent. This comes through clearly during the two hour special that honestly could have gone for four or five hours and still been just as riveting and exciting. I think what makes Miley so easy to love and admire more than anything is how genuine she is. She isn’t the product of a marketing machine like say, Taylor Swift. She’s real and it comes through to us all the time.

A great example of this is when she was in the bathroom of her hotel suite with her brother playing guitar while she was beautifully belting out the words to a song by The Flaming Lips. If that had been Taylor Swift instead of being really casual wearing a t-shirt and short shorts, Tay-Tay would have had her makeup and hair perfectly done while wearing some outfit that had been focus group tested at least a dozen times while singing “Let it Go” from Frozen. Blech!

There are some legit questions that can be asked about Miley still. Does she ever wear pants? Personally, I’m okay with her leg show, but some people wonder if she has a full wardrobe.  Why does 53 year old Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips seem to follow her around so much and keep writing songs for her? That COULD get a little creepy, just sayin’. What was the deal with that Big Bird outfit she was wearing?

Mostly though, after watching this concert and listening to Miley’s amazing vocal talents and seeing her behind the scenes the only real question is “How could anyone ever question this girl’s talent or ability to stick around for the long haul again?” Miley Cyrus went a long ways to shutting up the haters, if not winning them over completely with this performance.  

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Matt Said, Jay Said, In Written Form

Matt mumbles, Jay grumbles You listen intently. 

Matt: Well hey there!
Jay: Hidy Ho!
Schmoop: Hiya!
Jay: Oh hey there Schmoopalicious!
Schmoop: Matt had to pee
Jay: Already?
Schmoop: It’s cold here this morning.
Jay: Oh, I understand.
Schmoop: Luckily he’s a great multitasker.
Jay: True. Wait. What?
Schmoop: He’s prepping for show prep while peeing.
Jay: Oh okay.
Schmoop: Unfortunately he pees really fast and doesn’t get much prep done.
Jay: Man, things just never work out for that guy.
Schmoop: IKR?
Matt: Hey-OOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jay: You didn’t pee all over the seat did you?
Matt: God no! I’m not some kind of savage.
Jay: That’s good to know.
Matt: You probably just pee all over everywhere don’t you?
Jay: Noooooooooo … I do my best to maintain control.

Matt: Uh-huh … You quiet always in control types are dangerous.
Jay: Nah. When I blow it won’t be something that simple.
Matt: Any chance I can get a little warning so I’m not in the blast zone?
Jay: I’ll see what I can do.
Matt: Maybe you should aim your blast at From You Flowers?
Jay: Oh we will!
Matt: We’ll have to shoehorn that into the show Sunday.
Jay: We’re not just letting that go.
Matt: We can’t! 

Jay: We’re here to defend the good and decent people from shitty companies.
Matt: That’s right. We stand for truth, justice and the American way.
Jay: Totally.
Matt: Standing up for the little guy!
Jay: Holding people and corporations to the highest of standards.
Matt: Just like we do for ourselves.
Jay: Absolutlehahahahahaha … I mean, damn right!
Matt: Or something.

Jay: So it’s time for another show about writing?
Matt: Damn, this is so creepy.
Jay: What?
Matt: I was just thinking the same thing.
Jay: Man, that’s scary.
Matt: We can talk all about writing.
Jay: Oh yeah. Authors, books, the writing process.
Matt: Different styles of writing.
Jay: Who gets to call himself a writer.
Matt: Oh that one is getting tough.
Jay: Yeah, we’ll have to break that down for people.
Matt: In a totally fair and honest way.
Jay: That’s the only way we know how.
Matt: We can talk about what kind of writing we would LIKE to do.
Jay: How much we love to write UNLESS WE HAVE TO!
Matt: Then it’s more about getting it done than anything.
Jay: Yup and trying to include “click bait”
Matt: That’s a problem sometimes.
Jay: We can also talk about writing movies and TV shows.
Matt: And songwriting.
Jay: Oh hell yes!
Matt: And writing fiction vs non-fiction.
Jay: Yeah, essays, short stories and opinion pieces.
Matt: And the assholes who write for newspapers.
Jay: Oh man, there’s a lot of ‘em.
Matt: Paul Piatt, Guy and Tammy Tibbles!
Jay: Mediations by Martin, Bobby K w/ deep thoughts and Rev Moneymaker!
Matt: And whatever else we think of.
Jay: All about the writing process!
Matt: And the angst, loneliness and alcohol that comes with it.
Jay: Definitely.

So tune into “Write Drunk, Edit Sober” on IWS Radio Sunday night at 8 pm ET! Also, call us up and talk about your writing hopes and dreams. Or likes and dislikes. Or whatever. Just call us at 661.244.9852!

Just Partying with Celebrities and Shit

Hola all you wild and crazy people. Man, the Holidays are a really busy time of year. This last week has been the busiest week of my life! I was all over the place! Check out my last week …

It all started last Sunday when Miley Cyrus came over to hang out, sing Christmas carols and twerk. We had a great time and it really got me into the Christmas spirit.

On Monday night I had to attend some silly charity event with Hayden Panetierre. It was a nice evening but I’m not much for these really formal affairs. Anyway, I got through it and didn’t do or say anything to embarrass Hayden who seemed to have a good time. Really sweet girl.

On Wednesday morning Adrianne Curry said she heard a noise outside of her house, but it turned out it was just me coming over to see what was up. I hadn’t talked to Adrianne in a whiel and thought maybe she would like to make some Christmas cookies or something. Sorry babe, didn’t mean to startle you or anything. Thanks for not calling the cops on me.

Thursday night was yet another stuffy, formal gathering with a bunch of hipsters. Seriously, if Keira Knightley wasn’t so much fun to hang out with, this would have been a super boring night. Keira saved the day though with her charm and great sense of humor. Also, we enjoyed several glasses of white wine.

Friday night things got really awkward. Taylor Swift called me up and wanted to go out and have a good time. And let me tell ya folks, Taylor is a GOOD TIME! Damn, she is a wild and crazy partier. I don’t know why she can’t be a little more calm and predictable like Miley, but I guess we are who we are. It was still a nice evening, I guess.

Finally I was right back where it all started yesterday afternoon singing Christmas carols and enjoying the beauty of the season. This time I was hanging out with the more age-appropriate Lauren Graham. She’s is so freaking cool. And HAWT! I’ll just leave it at that and let you use your imagination as to what all might have happened.

So, as you can see this last week has worn me out! I’ll probably already be visiting snoozerville when this post goes live and I’m definitely gonna relax a bit this week if I can.

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In other news it was yet another EPIC episode of IWS Radio yesterday! We held our annual Office Christmas Party and we had a HUGE crowd! First, Mike called in to let us know that BTR wasn’t working properly and we appreciated that very much. Then we had a brilliant performance of “Santa Baby” by Aunt Jackie, followed by bringing her onto the show to hang out with us. Damn, she’s sweet and charming. Our Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie gave us a report from up north and then hung out with also. As if that wasn’t enough RockDog, Brown Beasely and of course Schmoop were also there!!! It was pandemonium people! You should definitely check this show out and tell all your friends! 

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Random Shout Outs to Miley's Boobs and Shitty People

Hola y’all! Let’s. Get. Random!

- Shout out to Congressman Randy Neugebauer (R-eally Big Shit Bag) who went out to the WWII memorial and berated a member of the Park Police accusing HER of closing the memorial. Uh sir, YOU voted to close the government and unlike that Park Police officer YOU are getting paid. What a fucking piece of shit you Congressman.

- Shout out to all the people who are focusing only on the fucking WWII memorial or the Panda Cam and are completely ignoring all the people who have been furloughed or are having to go into work every single day without pay. You guys are the worst fucking people on Earth.

- Shout out to the 873,902 people on Twitter and Facebook who have posted the “If a government employee is listed as ‘non-essential’ then why do they have a job to begin with???” as if they are the first person to ever make that joke.

Hey-OOOOOOOOO!  That’s freaking hilarious! And so original too! BTW, 99% of the people who posted that joke are listed as “non-essential” by their employer too.

- Another shout out to the 1,744,820 people who posted the equally unoriginal “Do I still have to pay my taxes during the shutdown?” joke as if THEY were the first to ever think of that one!

Damn, you guys were killin’ it this week!

- Shout out to all the republicans who blamed the Sequester completely on Obama. Yes, it was the worst idea ever, but not only are the republicans now celebrating and taking full credit for the Sequester, they have all but assured that it will become permanent.

- Shout out to Miley Cyrus for getting naked for that photo shoot so American can go bonkers over a boob. I love it when people do that. It’s amazing how many people in this country have never seen boobs before.  

- Shout out to Sinead O’Conner for writing an “open letter” to Miley. There’s nothing more pathetic than a self-important, washed up, loser celebrity writing an open letter to someone. Don’t you need to shave your head again?

- Shout out to Congressman Todd Rokita (R-eally Smarmy) for condescendingly calling CNN anchor Carol Costello “beautiful, but you don’t know what you’re talking about” today. That will help the GOP with their minority and women outreach efforts immensely. Also, he’s wrong. She’s not beautiful.

- Shout out to Buddy, the mutt I saved from running out into traffic last week for a totally unappreciative owner. When I was leaving today just as I walked around the building Buddy was outside again and he came sprinting up to say high to me again. At least Buddy appreciates me.

- Shout out to the 23 people who have followed me on Twitter since Monday. I have no freaking idea why or where they all came from or anything, but that’s cool.

- Shout out the person who told me I won’t be getting into Heaven this week. I responded by saying “luckily for me, you aren’t the one who gets to make that decision.” She promptly defriended me because obviously she IS the person who decides who gets into Heaven and who doesn’t.

- Shout out to my upstairs neighbor for either jumping or falling out of bed at 3:30 am last night. It was one of the few nights where I actually fell asleep fairly early and was snoozing away. Of course, after he woke me up I had to get up and pee and then check out the windows to see what was going on outside and by then was awake and unable to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Asshole.

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Robin Thicke Defends Miley Cyrus

Hey Hey Hey bitches! Heir to Hollywood Royalty, singer, performer, ladies’ man, sexual dynamo and possessor or a Hood Pass, Robin Thicke here. Please, stop throwing your moist panties at your computer while reading my sexy words on this here blog. Save them for the genii behind the IWS Entertainment Empire, Matt-Man and Jayman. No need to thank me guys, I have plenty of hot sexy groupies to share a couple with lesser men like you guys. Of course, all men are lesser to me.

I wanted a place where I could defend Miley Cyrus from all the unfair and outrageous attacks on her stemming from her, uh, I mean our performance on the VMAs. Well, really it was HER performance that people are upset over.  I haven’t gotten any flack at all.

See folks, Miley didn’t want to do such a raunchy performance. She wanted to do a traditional performance where she got up there on stage in a tasteful, yet sexy dress and sang with me. Basically she wanted to be the pure and innocent lady she is. But, what I can I say? A couple of minutes into rehearsal with me and the clothes were coming off. Happens all the time to me! I’m serious …

- When I was six Jazmine Johnson wanted begged me to sit on my lap and for me to hold her while we went down the slide at the playground.

- When I was nine I was standing behind Shanice Jordan waiting for my turn at the pencil sharpener when Shanice asked me to stand really close behind her and crank the pencil sharpener for her.

- When I was fourteen my dad’s costar on “Growing Pains” Johanna Kerns told me she wanted to learn to play golf and asked if I would get behind her and put my arms around her and teach her to swing.

- When I was seventeen my photography teacher Mrs. Stone asked me to help her in the dark room and after the lights when out she started “accidentally” bumping my crotch with her phat ass.

Shit like this has happened to me all my life. I don’t do anything to bring these situations on. I’m naturally so damn sexy that women throw themselves at me. I start singing my special brand of white guy hip-hop and the next thing I know girls are dancing with me and grinding on me and telling me they want to do all kinds of nasty things to me.  

Same thing happened to me in my video for my Summer Rape Anthem “Blurred Lines.” I’m singing along with track, trying to make a nice video for everyone out there to enjoy and damned if Emily Ratajkowski doesn’t get all naked and start grinding all over me! It’s crazy y’all!

So I think you can all see how this isn’t Miley’s fault. It isn’t really my fault either. Not that anyone has said it was my fault in any way. It’s kind of cool how all the blame is being put on the bitch girl. The blame lies with this damn out of control sexiness and animal magnetism I have. I start out trying to just do a straight up duet with someone on the VMAs and before I know it I look down and some 20 year old hottie is in her bra and very moist panties grinding her bony little ass against my 36 year old Thicke Stick™ while I’m innocently singing “I know you want it …. I know you want it … I know you want it …”

Honestly? I wish I could stop it. I wish I wasn’t this damn sexy. I wish every woman didn’t want me so badly. But, this is the way God made me and I just have to live with it. I promise to use my sexy powers only for good though. Sure, I’ve turned a few lesbos straight in my day, but no more. I promise. It’s just not right.

Oh one other thing.  Mika Brzezinski, call me baby. I’ll loosen you up sexy lady.

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