War On Christmas 2018: Matt-Man Gets A Purple Heart And Sads

Another gray day here in Bagwine, Ohio. December is like that here, and it will probably more often than not, be like this until the vernal tilt of the Earth begins to return in March. It's just something one in this area lives with. However...

It's a bit more depressing this time because, in addition to the gloomy weather, I have been cramped up in the Bagwine digs for a week with broken ribs, and will be for another two days. Oh the Humanity!! I am depressed and more so,  bored out of my fricking mind!! But I do have a few things upon which I can count.

I have a wonderful wife in Schmoop who has taken care of me, and I have a few close friends through whom I can live vicariously while being under house arrest. I mean, what's more fun than virtually going to Hudson's: The People Pleasin' Place with Jayman, and then hitting up a Wal Mart in Canada with Jamie Mapleleaf for shopping and a Big Mac? Amirite!?

Annnnnd, I always have my buddy Nurse Doom checking in with me daily to ask about my current condition, so she can render an ominous diagnosis as to my future. I love these people!!

Anyway, as I sit here with my cable system's yule log on the TV with soothing Christmas music playing, I consider myself, even in my current state, far luckier than most people on this Earth. And I know that if I need a HUGE laugh in order to get me out of my funk, all I have to do is replay the IWS Radio War on Christmas Show that we did yesterday!!

The show was jam packed with witty banter, Tucker Carlson Action Heros, Bobby Kraft's New Christmas Songs Humming CD, Jamie Mapleleaf, and cough syrup and diluted whiskey. It is Hilarious and you can catch it all right here:



And, if you'd like to lift my spirits now and in the future, you can always be my friend at...

@MattMan_IWS on Twitter

mattmaniws on Facebook

Cheers!!

Blogmas Day 1: Santa Brought Us Miley Cyrus

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Welcome to Blogmas! Yup, that’s right it’s Blogmas and IWS Radio is participating! We’ll be posting SOMETHING here on this blog every single day in December. I have no idea WHAT we will post, but we’ll figure it out. Somedays is might be a hilarious story. Others it might be something really deep and thoughtful. Sometimes it will just be a funny video and maybe every once in a while we’ll take an article written by some self-important political or sports pundit and analyze their analysis or possibly make fun of them. Most likely make fun of them.

Anyway, it’s Blogmas and we’re fully committed. That makes me just a little …

HA! Not really, I just wanted to post a pic of Miley Cyrus’ butt. It’s a nice butt. I’m sure her new song “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” is wonderful. I haven’t had a chance to listen to it yet though. Maybe I will this weekend. No, lots of football and, of course IWS Radio is happening this weekend. I’ll try to next week. We’ll see. If you’re interested, and I know that you are, you can watch it right here:

Did you enjoy it? I hope so. Miley is a nice girl. I’m sure it’s way better than that silly new song by Ariana Grande.

Damn, I’m coming back with some serious content! This is gonna be fun! Speaking of “coming back” I’m making my triumphant return to IWS Radio this week! Hell yeah! I’ve been on Leave of Absence for, uh, let’s see, ONE WEEK! Whew! I missed everyone! It was okay though because Jamie Mapleleaf stood in for me and she rocked the house! Seriously, check it out:



Jamie and Matt-Man did just fine without me. No problem at all. I wasn’t even needed. Nope. Not. One. Bit. Now, I’m sad. I’ll get over it though cause tomorrow it will be time to get back in the saddle and ride as we join the War on Christmas, which is already in progress! I highly recommend y’all listen!

Anyway, as I was saying, it’s Blogmas and IWS Radio is participating cause that’s the kind of people we are. We like to join fun parties like this. Plus, Blogmas is the most special time of year. I hope everyone else is in the Blogmas spirit. It would be just awful if there was also a War on Blogmas. If there is count us in on that war too. We’re ready to kick some ass!

Wanna be my friend?
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS on Twitter
Facebook.com/JaymanIWS

Gretchen Carlson Hates Starbucks But Loves IWS Radio

Hi folks...Gretchen Carlson here for IWS Radio and while the holidays are yet a few days away from
kicking off, The Annual War on Christmas has already begun.

Starbucks in their infinite, secular wisdom have decided to remove all Christian symbols from their Holiday cups. That's right...

No longer will the birth of Christ be celebrated with red cups harking snowflakes, snowmen, ornaments, nor holly leaves, and I...Am...OUTRAGED!!

On top of that, holiday travel plans have to be made...winter clothes need to be washed...

The Thanksgiving menu needs to be planned, and liquor cabinets need to be fully stocked to fuel the petty and forthcoming family feuds. But worry not my fellow soldiers of Christ.

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team have a jam packed show in store this Sunday from 8 PM ET-10 PM ET to help you survive the onslaught of secularism, and help you navigate the turbulent holiday waterways. Take a look...

The Holidays are fast approaching and that means it's time for Matt and Jay to help folks deal with the pressures and stress of family and travel. We're gonna give you some tips on how to make your travel much easier and more enjoyable. Plus, we know that there really is such a thing as too much family time so we'll help you out with that too.

The Holidays also mean several other important things. The weather is turning colder and it won't be long before global warming is proven to be a hoax when it gets bitterly cold and snows in the northern parts of the U.S. We'll help you prepare for the White Death! Most importantly the Holidays mean the War on Christmas is raging once again. Starbucks fired the first salvo of 2015 with their offensive red cups. Needless to say Donald Trump is all over this outrage and he'll be here to discuss it.

And it's almost time for Jay to make his annual trip to beautiful, mysterious and exotic Omaha, Nebraska for Thanksgiving. Matt and Jay have some strong opinions on Thanksgiving foods and holiday treats and we will share those with you this week too. All this plus Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf and the IWS Players will be along to make everyone laugh, think and cry as always. All this and YOUR CALLS!

Sounds to me that these two studs are on the ball and are going to help us all out. So...

Join Jay and Matt LIVE this Sunday from 8 PM ET-10 PM ET as IWS Radio presents: Holiday Season 2015: The Red Cup Menace

You can catch all the action LIVE or later in archives by clicking HERE.

Vacation Is Over...Ammo Up Christians; It's The War on Christmas 2014

Cheers and Hola.  We here at IWS Radio hope that all of you enjoyed your Thanksgiving week as much as we did.  As you can tell, or maybe not, since you don’t visit the website that often, that Jay and Matt were pretty much off this week.  In fact…

They didn't even do an IWS Radio Show last week.  Well…let me tell you.  They are back tomorrow…

WITH A VENGEANCE!!

Even Rolling Stone magazine has something to say about tomorrow’s IWS Radio Show:

“Recently thankful Americans are cursing all of their Thanksgiving leftovers. Hopeful bargain hunters spent Black Friday cursing each other, and in Ferguson, MO., people are cursing their pizza cravings after burning down their only Little Caesar’s. People are angry man; they’re really angry, and it all stems from a common thread…

People are once again hating on the Holy Baby Jesus and his upcoming birthday, so…

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio players recap the recent Thanksgiving holiday, analyze the current and ongoing outbursts of anger, and kickoff the 2014 War on Christmas. No nativity scene is safe from secularists and any bell ringer or Wal*Mart greeter who utters Happy Holidays will be promptly pummeled by a soldier of Christ.  

Jay and Matt try to make sense of it all, rein in the madness, and take your phone calls at 661.244.9852 as IWS Radio braces itself and America for the 2014 War on Christmas.”

High praise indeed coming from a secularist, rock ’n’ roll publication. And, well…We are comfortable with that.

So…

Join IWS Radio tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as Jay and Matt recap recent events and suit up, arm up, and prepare for the War On Christmas 2014.

To listen LIVE click HERE!!

Exotic and Mysterious Omaha Nebraska

Located on a bend in the Missouri River on the far eastern edge of Nebraska and spreading out across the windswept plains of the great American Midwest farmland is one of the more surprising cities in the U.S. Omaha is home to around 450,000 of the most sensible, decent and friendliest people you’ll ever meet.

Over the past half-century or so Omaha has transformed itself from a small cow town that was home to the largest stockyards in the world to a surprisingly ethnically and racially diverse (Omaha gave us both Gerald Ford and Malcolm X, how opposite are those two?) modern American city that is home to such “old economy” giants as Union Pacific Railroad and ConAgra Foods and “new economy” companies like Ameritrade and Pay Pal. It’s also home to the Gallup Corp and is a major insurance center. At the top of the heap is, of course Berkshire Hathaway. The company founded by one of the richest men in the world (and notorious cheapskate) Warren Buffett.

The ethnic diversity, led by the influx of immigrants from Europe and then African Americans is part of what gives Omaha its flavor. The north side with its Little Italy, Greek Town and other ethnic neighborhoods, is the center of that diversity. This has also resulted in a rather astonishing 700 plus restaurants, pubs and specialty markets scattered throughout the city.

Omaha also does not disappoint in the area of cultural activities either. From the Omaha Symphony to numerous concerts and sporting events to the largest community theater in the country, founded in part by Marlon Brando’s mother (who encouraged a teenage Henry Fonda to go into acting when he was performing in plays at the Omaha Community Playhouse), there is always something going on there. In addition to that there is the North Omaha Music Scene known for its rich history of jazz and blues music.

Just south of the downtown area is Offutt Air Force Base. Offutt is the longtime home of the Strategic Air Command and the 55th Wing. The wing’s mission is to provide worldwide reconnaissance, real-time intelligence, command and control, information warfare and combat support to U.S. leaders and commanders. These are the men and women who stood watch over this big, fat, dumb, happy country throughout the darkest days of the cold war and continue to do so today in the Global War on Terror™. It’s also home to the Strategic Air Command Museum.

Now I know what you are saying. You’re saying “We are talking about Nebraska here, right? The state that gave us Larry the Cable Guy? The state with miles and miles and miles of corn fields? The state where they brag that ‘there’s nothing between us and the arctic circle but four barbed wire fences and some moose’?”

Yup, that state.

Oh sure, the weather there pretty much sucks. Their only two seasons are tornado and blizzard. Most of the drivers slow down when approaching intersections even if the light is green, because IT MIGHT turn yellow and it would be rude to run a yellow light. And the drivers maintain a reasonable speed of 44.9 miles per hour when the speed limit is 45 on a wide open road because “it was set at 45 for a reason and that’s the safe speed.” And Omaha is a place where wearing a Hawaiian shirt would be considered a bit showy.

If you’ve never been to the American Midwest it’s really hard to explain it to you. They’re just different there. They believe that local is better and do their best to hold national chains at arm’s length. Seriously, why is that people go on vacation and eat at the same national chains that they eat at when they are home? You guys do realize that those places suck, right? Applebees, Chilis, TGIF McFunsters, whatever. They are the scourge of the American culinary scene. Not to mention the fact that Omaha is a city that believes that sure there’s lots of unique dining experiences available to you and some really fancy gourmet places, but sometimes it’s okay to just go out and get a really good, juicy steak cooked medium rare and some potatoes with none of those boring vegetables to get in the way.

Anyway, it’s kind of nice to know that the Midwest is still there and it really hasn’t changed all that much. There’s genuineness to the place and the people there. Residents of Omaha are quick with a smile and a good firm handshake. And when they look you in the eye and ask you how you are doing, they really want to know HOW you are doing. And people who believe that it’s okay to just be a regular person. And, you know what? They may be onto something there.

So, if you ever get the chance to travel through the Midwest, don’t just race through. Take some time to stop and meet the locals and look around. You might be pleasantly surprised with what you find.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS 

In other news, IWS Radio made its triumphant return on Sunday after a week off and it was a doozy! Matt and Jay talked about their Thanksgiving experiences. Jay with all of his all-natural organic turkey and side items and Matt with his highly processed turkey and canned and boxed sides. Also, Jay talked about the car trouble he experienced on his way to Omaha.

Then it came time to enter into battle in the War on Christmas. Matt and Jay took sides with, well, both sides kind of. Mostly they agreed that they don’t understand it. Also chiming in was Paul Piatt, Rev Moneymaker, Bobby Kraft, Joey Goodbar and we got a Black Friday report from Dusty Sandman. Plus our favorite Canadian Jamie called in! Check it out! 

New Comedy Podcasts with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Radio is Tan, Rested, and Ready!!

Theyyyyyyyyyyy're Back!!

That's right folks...after taking a week off during the Thanksgiving season in order to spend time with those who can most tolerate them, Jay and Matt are back!!

And.........!!

THE Number Comedy Show on Blog Talk Radio airs LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET as Jay, Matt, and the entire IWS Radio gang, kick off the holiday season by bringing you...

War on Christmas 2013:  Rise of the Tinsel!!

Join IWS Radio today as the dynamic duo breaks down this season's yuletide battle plans, gives the low down on the holiday season thus far, mocks Gretchen Carlson, and gives honor and glory to the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Rev. Moneymaker, Paul Piatt, and a cast of thousands will be on hand to help Jay and Matt capture the blow by blow carnage of this year's War on Christmas.

All of that plus your phone calls TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET on IWS Radio.  To catch all of the socio-religious military action LIVE, click HERE.

Christmas Is For Everyone...At Least It Should Be

Cheers, Merry Christmas Eve, and here’s hoping that all y’all have a most wonderful Christmas celebration tomorrow should you be one of the Christian faith, but then again…

Does one really have to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas?

My answer is no…and please, if  you will, allow me a moment of your time to ‘splain.

Not too long ago, Bill O’Reilly was interviewing an Atheist, and Bill-O remarked that Christianity was not a religion, but rather a philosophy.

Much humorous scorn was cast upon The O’Reilly of The Mighty Ego for saying that, but you know what?

O’Reilly was right.  Well…er…half-right.

Philosophical schools of thought attempt to boil down what is best (or not so good) for humankind in regards to conduct behavior, and the greater good, through the use of critical thought.

Religions do the same, however; religions oft times invoke a person and/or deity as a symbol of their philosophical teachings, and let loose the free radical of anti-philosophy known as, “faith.”

In order to set the record straight for Bill O’Reilly and host of other religious fanatics, the teachings of Jesus are a philosophy.

The worshiping of Jesus, is a religion…and in my opinion, one can celebrate, and have a very fine Christmas regardless of whether they believe in Jesus as the Son of God or not.

And that is where Bill O’Not-Einstein misses the point.

Ol’ pointy head Bill in all his bullying, bluster, and War on Christmas, doesn’t realize that Jesus isn’t the reason for the Season, the reason for the Season is that Roman Christians were morphing the birth of Christ into a replacement for all of the Pagan festivals that transpired around the Winter Solstice.

And ya know?  Here’s what people like O’Reilly will never understand…

Does it really matter if one is a Christian or not and believes that Christ was born on December 25th?  Does it even matter if one believes in Jesus Christ at all?

Of course it doesn’t.

Hell…In my book, I would appreciate people more if they treated Christmas Day less as a day to celebrate the birth of a savior who wasn't born on this day nor would he want you to celebrate it anyway, if they would take the time to honor his teachings.

Namely, The Sermon on the Mount….The Beatitudes, from the Book of Matthew…

the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (5:3)
those who mourn: for they will be comforted. (5:4)
the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. (5:5)
they who hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they will be satisfied. (5:6)
the merciful: for they will be shown mercy. (5:7)
the pure in heart: for they shall see God. (5:8)
the peacemakers: for they shall be called children of God. (5:9)
those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (5:10)

If we all took the time to make sure that the Beatitudes were followed, every day would be Christmas Day regardless of what “righteous” being one follows and believes.

Many religions profess to hold the same ideals, but many followers of organized religions get caught up in the, “my dogma is better than yours” crap.

While Bill O’Reilly doesn’t truly believe it, he was right when he said Christianity is a philosophy, and if we were to all adhere to the aforementioned words of Christ, the world would be better off.

I don’t say that matter of factly…I am experiencing that very fact this Christmas.

And to those of you who have helped us out and know what I am saying…God Bless You.

And to all, Have a Very Merry Christmas be it religious, secular, or just good-willed.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@yahoo.com
@MattMan_IWS

Annnnnnnd...To make your Christmas happier, give a listen to Jay and I yukking it up Yuletide style with Dianne from Saturday night...it was a Christmas miracle!!

IWS Babe of the Week: Christmas Chicks Bearing Gifts

Welcome to December and to the joy of the Christmas Season.  One doesn't have to think hard to figure out who some of the hottest babes of the Yuletide time of year are.

There's that little vixen Cindy Lou Who, whose sheer sultriness can melt not only a man's heart, but the Grinch's heart as well...

Did you really think Frosty the Snowman began to melt because of the heat?  No, no my friends.  He began melting because that hot ingenue, Karen, loooooooved to ride him bareback...

Lucy and Violet, the two raven-haired hotties of Charlie Brown fame always get a laugh from Snoopy when the raspily ask Chuck, "Is that a Christmas tree in your pocket, or are you expecting to have a three-way with us?"

Of course it's not all about Christmas this month, the Jews will be celebrating Hanukkah.  And who better to drain the oil from my menorah than the uber-Jewalicious, Scarlett Johansson...

Oh hell yeah...December may be my favorite month of the year!!

In other news...Jay and Matt went late night as they broadcast the kick-off to the 16th Annual War on Christmas last night on Blog Talk Radio.

In case you were asleep and missed the fun and frivolity live last night, you can catch THE Number 1 comedy show on BTR by listening right cheer:

Matt Said, Jay Said XXX.XXX.XXX

Jay speaks, Matt speaks, You listen.

*ring* *ring*
Matt: Yo
Jay: *heavy breathing* what are you wearing *heavy breathing*
Matt: Oh, Schmoop it’s for you.
Schmoop: Hello?
Jay: *heavy breathing* what are you wearing? *heavy breathing*
Schmoop: Oh hi Jay!
Jay: I’m not Jay! I’m a Mysterious Stranger.
Schmoop: Oh, right. Matt, it’s for you. It’s Jay.
Jay: Dammit!
*click* 

*ring* *ring*
Matt: Howdy Ho
Jay: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AN SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!
Matt: Jay, what are doing?
Jay: I’M NOT JAY DAMMIT! CALL ME THAT NAME AGAIN AND SUFFERE THE CONSEQUENCES!
Matt: Jay … Jay … Jay … JayJayJayJayJayJayJayJay
Jay:  I said I’m not Jay! I’m … I’m … It doesn’t matter who I am!
Matt: You really should have thought this out better.
Jay: Bite me! I’ll cut your throat while you’re sleeping.
Matt: Well just remember Schmoop is the one on the couch and I’m in the bedroom.
Jay: Okay! Prepare to die!
Matt: Could you let me know when?
Jay: NO! That would ruin the surprise.
Matt: Okay then.
Jay: Okay then!

Matt: It’s margarita night, isn’t it?
Jay: Yeah.
Matt: Maybe you should stick to wine?
Jay: Wine makes me too mellow. I lose my edge.
Matt: Well, you could probably stand to lose it.
Jay: That kind of hurts.
Matt: How bout beer?
Jay: That just makes me all sloppy and shit.
Matt: Hmm … well, margaritas it is I guess.
Jay: Or maybe just sipping on bourbon?
Matt: That might work.
Jay: Hey! Can I talk to Schmoop.
Matt: No, she’s in a good mood. I don’t want you to ruin it.
Jay: Again, that’s a bit hurtful, but I understand.
Matt: It’s the best I can do.

Jay: So War on Christmas this week?
Matt: Saturday NIGHT at 11 PM ET!!
Jay: What side are we on?
Matt: I dunno.
Jay: Both? Neither?
Matt: Something like that.
Jay: I’ve already got some material.
Matt: Really?
Jay: Yup, a couple of reports from the brave journalists covering the War.
Matt: Always useful.
Jay: They’re like Hemingway.
Matt: I hope not cause Papa sucked.
Jay: Oh yeah, I keep forgetting.
Matt: The War on Christmas is very complicated.
Jay: People need us to break it down for them.
Matt: We’ll identify the combatants and what’s at stake.
Jay: And make fun of them.
Matt: Noooooooooo. This is serious shit.
Jay: War is Hell son.
Matt: Damn right it is.
Jay: And we’ve experience a bit of Hell ourselves.
Matt: And now we’re gonna bring Hell to the masses.
Jay: Just like Doc Holiday.
Matt: Exactly. Actually, I have no idea what you mean by that.
Jay: The move Tombstone? “Tell ‘em I’m coming and Hell’s coming with me!”
Matt: Oh. Okay then. That works. I guess.
Jay: Totally.
Matt: Alright! Another #1 show, coming right up!
Jay: Brilliant!

There you go kids. Another fun and exciting peek into the world of IWS show prep. And, don’t forget to tune in at our new time on Saturday NIGHT at 11 PM ET for our War on Christmas Extravaganza! It’s gonna be a blast!

He's Not Even Black, but Dr. Rawalpindi Will Cut a Bitch!!

Salutations and a joyous and effervescent day after Monday to all of you most well perusers of the IWS blog web.

I am IWS staff medico, Dr. Rajiv Rawalpindi, here with an update on the adorable yet less than affable, personage called Schmoop.

I witnessed her in my office yesterday at the fifteen minute interval that follows the ten o’clock hour of AM.

On the upside, her neon yellow skin tone has salvaged itself all the way down to what a painter would refer to as, a dull ochre, or in my terms, a Cambodian yellow softened a tich by the subtle maize-like sheen of Guamanian pigment.

Medicinally speaking, this is much above average in its goodness.

Anyhoodle…

The day before the one in which we are currently residing, I explained to Schmoop the vastness and invasiveness of the acts I shall perform upon her with stealth, acumen, and a very pointy scalpel on a day in December numbered the 14th.

I put her at ease as I told her that her surgery will transpire at the half past seven hour of AM which means instead of anesthesia she can just be euphoric from the fact that she won’t encounter heavy Columbus traffic on her sojourn over here.

Ha Ha…I jested with her.  That is the nugget of my charm that excoriates me to others, but I digress, and need to allow myself to task to you what is at hand.

Schmoop’s bile duct is plugged.  Plugged tight.  In fact, it is plugged so tight that I can’t see if the pluggage in question is cancerous or not until I rip her open and take a look see.

Man, this entire thing is going to take a goodly amount of time and labor.  Schmoop could be on the bed of operations for three to seven, sixty minute periods.  Do you realize how many Indians are born every three to seven sixty minute periods?

Enough Indians to fill every God Damn call center in the world and still have ranch hands available to wash every God Damn sacred cow in in the Punjab region.  Wait?  Where I was?  Oh…Schmoop…

She will remain mostly fine as we seize the maleficent intruder from her sexy, even at the age of two score and six, nubile body.  I shall not let you lovers of Schmoop cascade downward in your mood from up.

That is where we stand erect at this point.  Myself and arraignment of medicinal cohorts will do all we can to make Schmoop whole again even though we will be removing vital organs.

That’s right IWS fanaticals…Even though she will actually be half the person she was prior to surgery, she will be more complete, or as Matt and Jay say…or something.

Annnnnnd….After her post-operative stay of 7-10 days, Matt-Man may very well have her home for your traditional war on holiday known as Christmas.

If that doesn’t put a smile on your Christmas tree, my name isn’t…

Dr. Rajiv Rawalpindi

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

KLM and Royal Dutch Airlines...Home for the Holidays

Jay, Matt-Man, and diverse worldwide readers everywhere, Guy Ahnyurdyck here for I’m With Stupid.

As you know, I am the Dutch-based foreign correspondent for IWS and I have just landed in the States to spend the holidays with Jay, Matt-Man, Marty Martstein, Kim Fragile, Slyder Balzcock, and the entire IWS family.

I am currently in Bagwine, Ohio being hosted by Matt-Man and the ever incredible and edible Schmoop, as they have welcomed me into their cozy flat on Bagwine’s trendy lower East Side.

I had a bit of a turbulent and troublesome time making my way to their digs, but I have made it here at long last, with few bruises, most of my luggage, and a modicum of my dignity…still intact.

As fate would have it, my seasonal sojourn to America was fraught with a cornucopia of confusion, conundrums, and…complications.

After waiting three hours for the private IWS jet to pick me up, I phoned the home office and they said in a jolly and Christmas-like manner, “Oops…we forgot.”  So…

They hurriedly booked me a coach seat on KLM Flight 211, non-stop from Amsterdam to Detroit.  When the chips are down and Guy is stuck, the staff at IWS know how to make things happen.

After surviving several hours in the air and an in-flight meal of Haggis, Chick Peas, and Butterscotch Pudding while sitting next to a sound asleep septuagenarian with an overflowing colostomy bag, we completed our leap across the liquid barrier of linguistics we Euros call the Atlantic Ocean, and touched down in Detroit.

Upon arrival I was greeted by customs folks, TSA agents, and a tiny, tearful misshapen man named Verne who asked me for ten bucks so he could have the microchip that the CIA had planted in his head some forty years ago, removed from his scarred and swollen head.

As I hadn’t yet converted my money into U.S. dollars, I handed him 30 Euros…Verne kicked me in the shins, peed on my shoes, called me, “a piece of faggoty Euro-Trash”, and limped away on his one prosthetic leg that oddly had a club foot by design.

I made my way outside of the aeroport, and outside the doors of Concourse A waited for the IWS limousine to transport me to Bagwine some three plus hours away. I waited for more than an hour, and yet…I saw no smiling limo driver holding a sign that read, "Guy Ahnyurdyck or IWS."  So…

I made several hurried and harried calls to Matt-Man, to Schmoop, to Jayman, to the office.  No one picked up.  Fortunately, I was befriended by a lovely lady of Nubian persuasion who asked where I was going.

I told her that I was going to Bagwine, Ohio and she said that she had a delivery to make in Dayton, Ohio for her Uncle Toot Suite that had to be there by 5 PM, so if I gave her 300 bucks she would, “haul my dike-fingerin' ass down there.”

I converted my money, paid her, and after she told me not to look in the back of the van as it contained, “life saving plasma of sorts”, we were off to Matt-Man’s.

On the trip down, I and the lovely Lolita Florence, or as her friends call her, Lo-Flo, exchanged pleasantries, bon mots, and a case of Steel Reserve.

Shortly after we arrived and my drunken and feeble attempt to grope Schmoop’s fun bags, I passed out.  Lo-Flo?  She had three more 211’s and Matt-Man managed to get a pic of her before she left for Dayton.

Anyways…

I’m here now.  I’m safe now, and I’m thinking…

After this harrowing trip…I get to spend time with my friends, AND the IWS Office Christmas Party will be broadcast live tomorrow night at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio…this may be the greatest holiday season I have ever had.

And to Lo-Flo?

I hope you got your life saving plasma to the people who truly needed it.

Merry Christmas America, and “See” You Saturday Night at 11 PM EST !!

Guy Ahnyurdyck

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/MattManIWS

Bill O'Reilly and the War on Christmas: The Spin Stops Here

Caution!!  The spin stops here!!

Bill O’Reilly here for I’m With Stupid, and you’re probably already asking yourselves…

“Why would a man of O’Reilly’s, grandiose and soon-to-be cast in bronze on public squares image, go slumming for attention on this internet rag sheet?”

Because folks, I’m looking out for you, and must call a pinhead a pinhead when I see one, and yesterday?

I’m With Stupid’s Senior War on Christmas correspondent, Marty Martstein, showed through his idiotic elocution, that he is indeed, a pinhead.

You see, like most socialist progressives…

Mr. Martstein via his IWS article yesterday, attacked Christians as being hypocrites and savages because there were a handful of minor incidents and injuries on Black Friday as 80% of America rushed to get jawbone of an ass dropping deals on today’s versions of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, in order to celebrate the birthday of Christ.

Mr. Martstein reported that during the Black Friday for Christ festivities, a grandfather in Phoenix was beaten by security, a man in Oakland was shot, customers in LA were pepper sprayed, and in Little Rock, fights and ass cheeks broke out over two dollar waffle irons during what appeared to be a plumbers’ convention.

All very cutesy of our secular friend Mr. Martstein, but all in all, not very fair and balanced.  You see…

What Mr. Martstein fails to report is, that without injury to body or soul, millions of Christ-Loving Americans made their epic journeys to the stores in order to “pay it forward” in His name, and like Mary and Joseph were counted as Christians in the cultural census in spite of throngs of Herod worshipping secularists and shopkeepers.

So typical of Mr. Martstein and the loony Left, and it speaks volumes of their drug-addled, hippie upbringing.

I don’t know what went on at Christmas in Mr. Martstein’s household when he was a kid, but when I grew up in a working class neighborhood of Levittown NY., and my father worked his middle-class job as a currency counter for an oil company, Christmas meant Midnight Mass, praising the birth of the Christ child, and reviewing my first term grades that I had earned while attending the non-government supported, Chaminade High School in Mineola.

Christmas also meant that mom would serve sauterne punch and rum soaked petit fours, but that’s a story for my next book, which of course if you are a premium member of The O’Reilly Factor, you will be able to receive at a steep discount…anyway…

After Mass, we would all meet on the steps of the Church, and in our sauterne and rum induced jocularity, say, “Merry Christmas” to one and other, and let me tell you…

Back in those days, had Mr. Martstein been around to protest our Merry Christmases to one and other, I would have punched him in his pinhead, and shoved a crucifix and an Advent candle up his ass.  That’s just the way it was back then.

But now, we Christians aren’t permitted to do such things.  We Christians, in the name of tolerance, are expected to sit in silence and embrace cultures and religions that get their feelings hurt if we dare mention the birth of Jesus Christ.  And boy do they get all bent out of shape when we do that.

I have done research that shows that 99% of atheists, secularists, Muslims, and other anti-Christ store goers get their burkas in a wad over store employees saying "Merry Christmas" to them this time of year.*

Well you know what?  Fuck it…The fucking thing sucks…I’ll write it and we’ll do it live.  Right here and right now.

We Christians can now tell pinheads like Marty Martstein that the shoe of the fisherman is on the other foot and we have the upper hand.

The Jesus hating progressives may be the 99 per centers, but we are the one percent of Americans that will get Raptured up…and we are occupying righteousness.

Merry Christmas, and bring me the Head of Bill Mahar,

Bill O’Reilly

To reach Bill-O, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

*Research provided to Bill-O by President of the Catholic League, Bill Donohue, over fried tilapia bites, and a fifth of Jameson’s at O’Leary’s in Secaucus, NJ.  Neither left a tip.

The War on Christmas is Bullshit

Hey guys! Marty Martstein, I’m With Stupid’s Senior War on Christmas Correspondent here. I just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve never been more proud to NOT be a Christian than I was on Black Friday of this year.

What the fuck is your problem people? Pepper spraying other customers to keep them away from the Xbox games? Tazing people? Rioting over cheap electronics? Knocking over old people and even robbing people in the parking lot? And of course, my favorite, showing your ass, literally as it hangs out of your sweats when you brawl with other customers over $2 waffle irons?

And after all this you have the audacity to lecture the rest of the world about their behavior? You call OTHER countries “uncivilized” and refer to OTHER cultures as “inferior” and OTHER people as “savages?”

Now you people are all going to spend the next month bitching about whether someone wishes you a “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays?” Really? Come on people. You go out on Black Friday and put on this disgusting display of crass materialism and greed, and now you’re going to turn around and tell everyone “Jesus is the reason for the Season.” That’s a bit hypocritical of you, don’t you think?

Look, I have no problem with the checkers at Walmart or some other store telling me to have a Merry Christmas. They don’t know that I don’t celebrate and it would be rude of me to correct them. I’m not offended by Christmas music playing over the loudspeakers in public places, nor am I offended by Christmas trees or even nativity scenes on the courthouse lawn. Hell, if my kids went to public schools with the riff-raff regular kids, I wouldn’t even mind them participating in the schools production of A Christmas Carol or being a part of the Christmas pageant.

Nobody is! That’s what’s so stupid about all this War on Christmas crap. The only people who are offended by Christmas are guilty white liberals who, as always, believe it’s their place to tell “minorities” when we should be offended. I can make up my own mind on that, thankyouverymuch. And so can everyone else.

But, of course this gives people the chance to claim that Christians, who make up over 80% of the people in this country and over 90% of all elected officials, are being oppressed. This is the biggest load of bullshit ever. And, let’s not forget the people who want businesses and corporations to be “left alone” and allowed to do what they feel is best to make profits so they can create shareholder wealth and jobs are the ones who want to tell the businesses and corporations what to do. This is because they don’t just want the totally made up date of birth of their Lord and Savior acknowledged, they want it forced upon those who either don’t believe or have different beliefs. And then there’s the whole thing about how the great defenders of Christianity in the media are a bunch of multiple-divorces, drug-addicted, sexual-harassing loud-mouths, and you can see that this whole thing is pretty much bullshit.

So instead of spending the next month at each other’s throats having a huge argument over nothing, why don’t we all just tell the people on both sides of this completely made up War on Christmas crap to shut the fuck up and just enjoy the festive holiday season. And maybe show a little of that goodwill towards man stuff we hear about all the time too.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch my DVD of A Muppet Christmas Carol. If you need me, just contact my Christian friend Jayman.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

P.S. I highly recommend I'm With Stupids "Black Saturday" episode. It was non-stop fun and jocularity as Matt-Man and Jayman mocked the Black Friday folks and Matt took advantage of his cold to do his best ever Peter Brady impression. And then things really got fun when Dana Lu called in to tell us about her Black Friday experience. Overall, a damn good show. 

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IWS Babe of the Week: Gretchen Carlson, The Joan of Arc in the War on Christmas

That lady would be former Miss America, full-time Christian, and Fox and Friends keystone of intellect and insight, Gretchen Carlson...

As we begin the Christmas season, we at IWS raise a toast to the Maiden of Messianic Merchandising, who refuses to silence her God-given tongue in speaking out against those in the form of Atheists, Secularists, and Festivus followers who choose to diss the Holy Baby Jeebus...

She's hot...She's heavenly, and somehow, she graduated from Stanford...She's Gretchen Carlson...

And we love her.

Cheers, and let the Baby Jeebus-Hatin' Barbarians be stopped at the gates.

Matt-Man

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Matt Said, Jay Said XV

Matt hablas, Jay hablas, You escuchar.

Matt: “Yo, yo diggity yo.” *cough* *hack* *cough*
Jay: “Damn, you aren’t gonna die are you?”
Matt: “Well, someday my son, I’m sure I will.”
Jay: “You sound like an 80 year old Jewish lady w/ a 3 pack a day smoking habit.”
Matt: “Oh, so I’ve improved more than I thought.”
Jay: “You’ve got a great voice for radio going dude.”
Matt: *cough* *hack* *cough* “Thanks.”

Jay: “I’m so disappointed in myself.”
Matt: “What did you do with a stripper this time?”
Jay: “Nothing like that. Wednesday was Miley Cyrus’ birthday.”
Matt: “I saw your post on the Facebook Fan Page.”
Jay: “Yeah, but I totally forgot about it on the show. Not one mention.”
Matt: “Oh, well that’s bad, huh?”
Jay: “Yeah it is. I’m sure she was listening. And her feelings are probably hurt now.”
Matt: “We’ll make it up to her somehow.”
Jay: “She isn’t even talking to me now.”
Matt: “Give her time. She’s a good person. She’ll understand.”

Jay: “Cold turkey is delicious.”
Matt: “We haven’t even eaten yet. Our turkey is crocking.”
Jay: “Crocking?”
Matt: “I put it in the crockpot.”
Jay: “Really? Isn’t it a bone-in breast?
Matt: “Yup.”
Jay: “I admire your challenging society’s culinary rules like that.”
Matt: “I’m a rebel.”
Jay: “Well, except your strict adherence to preheating rules.”
Matt: “That a line I’m not willing to cross.”

Jay: “So, we launch the first salvo in the War on Christmas™ for 2011 on Saturday?”
Matt: “We can do it!”
Jay: “Black Saturday!”
Matt: “A date which will live in War on Christmas™ infamy.”
Jay: “Old men will tell their grandchildren about it someday in the future.”
Matt: “They will tell as much as they dare tell, so as not to scare the kids.”
Jay: “True. No need for the children to have nightmares.”
Matt: “BTW, are we for it or against it?”
Jay: “Well, we’re around it.”
Matt: “Usually I side with the atheists because it makes Bill O’Reilly’s head explode.”
Jay: “Yeah, but if Julie Banderas asks me which side I’m on? I say ‘I’m on YOUR side baby.’”
Matt: “OHHHHH YEAH!”
Jay: “Okay, the War on Christmas™ it is!”
Matt: “Sweeeeeet!”

So, be sure to check us out Saturday night at 6:30 pm EST on I’m With Stupid as we fight the good or bad fight in the War on Christmas™!

And, if you need something to do, and who doesn’t, you can listen to Wednesday’s show where we talked about all kinds of Random Crap. At least listen to you can hear Matt-Man’s “Old Jewish Lady who smokes three packs a day” voice.

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