Easter Fool's Day 2018: May The Farce Be With You

IWS Radio is giddy because not only do we love Easter, the resurrection of Jesus is even
more iconic when it falls on April Fool's Day, and we are going to hilariously celebrate the hell out of that juxtaposition!!

Christ will be exiting the cave in the form of witty banter, alcohol taste testing, jokes that will send Jay and Matt straight to hell, bad and good music, and special guests such as Rev. Moneymaker, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Paul Piatt, and Bionic Bill.

All of that, plus the HOT Canadian sinner Jamie Mapleleaf, and your phone calls at 661.244.9852, as IWS Radio presents...Easter Fool's Day 2018: May The Farce Be With You

So give it a listen...It will resurrect your funny bone!!

Jesus Forgives So Why Can't You?

We spent this past Sunday forgiving others, and once you listen...we hope you forgive us.

Jay and Matt Lost Their Religion Yesterday

Jay and Matt resurrected the laughter yesterday as IWS Radio celebrated the triumphant return of
Jesus to his upright position.

Matt and Jay while feeling bad for Kentucky basketball fans showed no mercy in mocking their irrational behavior and then proceeded to make fun of Big Blue Nation without caring if feelings got hurt.

Jay and Matt talked Easter food as well...Matt planned in having ham, scalloped corn, and potatoes, while Jay chose a more traditonal menu of a tortilla chips and leftover spaghetti.

Jesus did his stand-up act at Ha-Ha's in Haifa while Jesus' lesser known brother Festus, imparted some brotherly beatitudes upon us all.

Rev. Moneymaker tried to console and absolve from guilt one Pasty Ann Callahan, who admitted to masturbating while listening to IWS Radio.

Joshua is bringing the full force of Big Gay to anyone who dare stand in the way of hot lesbains and men who get overly excited when watching Top Gun.

Slyder Balzcock broke down the NCAA Final Four action and reported on Andrew Harrison's offer of congratulatory sex to Wisconsin big man Hank Karpinski.

Paul Piatt and Schmoop got into a bit of a tiff over a new intro and long time IWS fave Missalicious got rudely awakened by two morons who can't understand why people take naps at 1:45 PM on Easter Sunday.

All in all it was a heavenly and hilarious show and you can catch the frivolity of it all right here:

Mary Magdalene: Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio Are The Holy Trinity

Hi All...Mary Magdalene here and I am soooooo spiritually ready to listen to Jay, Matt, and the IWS radio crew tomorrow.

Right now as I type this on a lonely Friday night, my boyfriend Jesus, or as you may know him, The Savior, is floating and flitting about in the great astronomical skies above us, but...

By the time you read this, he will be but one day away from returning to Earth and once again captivating our minds and imaginations...or something.

While I am waiting for my supernatural stud-muffin to return to Earth, I want to take a minute to tell you all to listen to Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team LIVE tomorrow from Noon- 2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Those two chuckleheads are funnier than watching a camel trying to pass through the eye of a needle...yeah, the bible is full of embellishments, but...and anyhoo...

Tomorrow is gonna be mostly about my boyfriend Jaycee and in fact, here is what IWS Radio says about tomorrow's show...

Jesus Christ has pushed away that stone and is roamin' free along the highways and byways of Galilee, so Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team are celebrating the Easter resurrection and rebellious nature of Jaycee himself. Joining Jay and Matt in this Easter party will be Rev. Moneymaker, Stand-Up Jesus doing his schtick at Ha-Ha's in Haifa, and we'll hear from Jesus' lesser known brother Festus Christ.

Jay and Matt will also be playing some awesome Christian music and some awful Christian music to get you toes a tappin'. They will also talk about what's on their Easter Feast menu and try to answer that age old question that has gone unanswered for centuries...

Why do so many Christians rudely celebrate the resurrection of a supernatural Jew by eating ham on Easter Sunday?

All of that plus your phone calls at 661.244.9852 as IWS Radio presents: Jesus Christ: Rebel Without A Cross.

So there you have it...Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio celebrating my boyfriend on Easter Sunday. Let's tell him that we love him, and listen LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET as Jay, Matt and IWS Radio present Jesus Christ: Rebel Without a Cross.

To listen LIVE click right HERE!!

Jesus Christ: Dead Man Walking and Carrying a Cross

It’s Good Friday so let’s have some laughs.

I mean, if we weren't supposed to have fun on this Day of Jeebus’ Crucifixion, they would have called it something else.

Something such as, Bad Friday…Bloody Friday…or perhaps…

Is Your Fucked Up Sister Coming Over for Easter Dinner Again This Year? Friday.

Nope. It’s Good Friday, or as I refer to it, Holy Week Happy Hour™ So, drink up bitches, the laughs and IWS frivolity are on me.

As I have pointed out this week, Hayzoos was one funny Messianic Mo-Foe. 

Facing certain death, did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.

When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:

“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later. LOL.”

And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:

“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and kept calling me Moses.
I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses, yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."

I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."

Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:

“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Pharisee? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”

Once at Golgotha, and getting readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing one of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…

Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:

Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddam this is gonna hurt!! LOL.
He brought the crowd down with that one and then had a request. He shouted to Andrew:

“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”

With that, Andrew played this, centuries later, IWS Classic: 

After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:

“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”

And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and simply said, “Tetelestai”.

And so it was…

I hope you party your asses off during Good Friday, because living without sin is what it is all about.  Be safe, have fun, and enjoy your Easter Weekend.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com

@mattman_iws

My Facebook Page

Lent Is Here; Be A Fisher Of Women

Cheeeeeeers and Happy Lent to everyone, well…

Not everyone.

Y’know….

This past Sunday, Jayman and I talked about how when one gives something up for Lent, sometimes, some less than stellar human beings, feel the need to denigrate those observing Lent, and these folks, belittle their commitment.

I was hoping, that maybe this year, things would be different, but sadly…it was the same old song and dance.

Allow me to set this up…

I am not a Catholic, because well, while I was forced to be Catholic during my first eighteen years of upbringing, I looooooathe the Catholic Church and organized religion in general, however…

Every year at this time, this time being the Lenten season, I give up something for Lent.

Oh sure, I haven’t been a Catholic for years, but…I enjoy exerting some willpower over myself.

This year I am giving up bread and pasta.  No baked goods for the Matt-Man, sounds easy, but…I love toast. And so?  That’s what I’m doing.

Funny thing?

Some people find that what a person is giving up is repetitive and/or untimely.

My buddy Bill pointed out that I gave up bread last year (which I didn’t) and that I was becoming blasé.

And then, some troglodyte with a vagina, uttered the following…

“You hate Catholic Church People think you are doing for Lent which your not. You hate Catholic Church.”

First of all folks, she should give bad grammar up for Lent, but otherwise…

I am giving up bread and pasta for Lent, and yet, some folks, like the aforementioned commenter feel compelled to tell me the manner in which I should give it up.

She gives me shit for giving up something for Lent, during Lent…because, well…the timing is confusing . What?

Anyhoo…

I am giving up bread and pasta for Lent.  I will not have frozen pizzas, toast, nor macaroni.  That makes me sad.

But what makes me sadder, is the fact that some people, think I’m not doing it right.

I’m doing it right, alright…I’m exercising some self-control for six weeks, and if that’s a bad thing in your mind, you can go to Hell.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Matt Said, Jay Said...Genevieve Morton Said

Matt sacrifices for Lent…Jay opts not to…You weep for The Lord.

Matt:  Howdy Mr. Man.
Jay:  How you’se?
Matt:  Just dandy, in spite of the weather still being a cold, steamy pile of shit.
Jay:  Can a cold pile of shit actually steam?
Matt: Well…I guess I mixed a metaphor…or an idiom…or…something.
Jay:  That’s okay.  This winter has been brutal for all of us, and has lead to atrophy of our brains.
Matt:  Yep…What?

Jay:  Anyhoo…With Lent beginning this Wednesday, we could talk about all things Lent-related.
Matt:  That’s a brilliant idea.  There has evidently been no apostrophe of your brain.
Jay:  It’s called atroph---never mind, and thank you.
Matt:  You’re welcome.

Jay:  We could talk about what we may or may not give up for Lent.
Matt:  We could talk about famous people we would like to give up for Lent.
Jay:  And/or sacrifice.
Matt:  Even Better!!

Jay:  Some people give up certain foods, like sweets, meat, bread.  We could…
Matt:  We could provide alternative menus for those who do!!
Jay:  Exactly!!  Perhaps your brain is becoming less apostrpopheed.
Matt:  What?
Jay:  What?

Matt:  We could talk about faith or lack thereof.
Jay:  We could talk about what some of the more famous people might want to give up for The Lord.
Matt:  Excellent.
Jay:  I know, right?

Matt:  Paul Piatt, Tammy Tibbles, Slyder Balzcock among others could chime in.
Jay:  Perhaps Rev. Moneymaker, and one pissed off Kirk Douglas will be there with the weather.
Matt:  Also we’ll have some Lenten style, Lord lovin’ music.
Jay:  And we could also ha…

STOP RIGHT THERE MY TWO SMOKIN’ HOT GENTLEMEN!!

Hi folks super sexy, ultra-hot Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Genevieve Morton here for IWS Radio with a HUGE announcement.

Me, myself, and my most amazing set of tits, are here to announce that Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio are back on at Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

I told the sexy, dynamic duo, that I didn't like them being on from 8-10 PM on Sundays, because I missed listening to them LIVE while lying naked and writhing about in my bed during Sunday brunch, so…

These two giants of international internet radio, capitulated to me and my amazing rack, and responded…

“So let it be requested; so let it be done.”  And then of course…they giggled like twelve year old boys.

Anyway…Yes, Jay and Matt will be talking Lent.  Yes it will be funny as hell, and yes…They will be on LIVE tomorrow from NOON-2 PM ET on the BTR Network.

Make sure you make a note of the time change, listen LIVE, and call-in at 661.244.9852, because…

The more people I see in that chat room, and the more people I hear calling in, the more I will touch myself while spilling a mimosa and scrambled eggs all over my writhing brunch-time body.

To listen LIVE and imagine me writhing from Noon-2 PM ET tomorrow, click right HERE.

Love…
Genny

Matt Said, Jay Said...White Santa Said!!

Cheeeeeeeeeers and Ho Ho Hooooooooooola!!

White Santa here in order to hijack the typical Saturday IWS Radio edition of Matt Said, Jay Said, and turn it into, Santa Said!!

Is there a problem with me doing that just a few days before Christmas?  I make lists and name names y’know…

Okay then…I didn't think you would mind.

Let me tell you folks…Jay and Matt are going to be putting on a spectacular IWS Radio Christmas Show tomorrow.

They are going to be celebrating Christmas as it was intended to be celebrated…lots of laughs, friendly banter, hospitality, great music, and non-stop hilarity that will shine brighter than my franken-reindeer Rudolph’s nose.

Ho Ho Ho.  And as a special bonus…

Jay and Matt have promised me, that for each and every person who listens LIVE, a blind dog will get the gift of sight, and Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity will shut the fuck up about that duck fucking, Jim Crow-Loving puddle of primordial goo who has for whatever reason, captured the attention and admiration of much of a nation.

In addition to that, if you call in at 661.244.9852 and are funny and/or otherwise nice to them, you may get a sugar plum.

But Santa, you ask…Why should I listen?

Let me tell you why, my wonderfully thus far, behaved boys and girls…

Tomorrow’s,  Have a Holly Jolly Festivus radio show (which airs LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET) is chock full of comedy, Christmas readings, music, and dozens of well-wishes from the vast and diverse worldwide audience that Jay and Matt who for reasons unexplained, have captured over the years.

And yeah…

They may even mention the Holy Baby Jesus.  In fact, in addition to the sexy Trinity of Jay, Matt, and the Holy Baby Jesus…

Kirk Douglas, Bobby Kraft, Dixie Ozark, Schmoop, Slyder Balzcock, Paul Piatt, Malcolm Eckstein, Jamie, Buddy Acapella, Stubby Stonehenge, and among others, yours truly…Santa Claus are scheduled to appear.

Tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, don’t lazily saunter to your computer, drink a cup of hot chocolate and RUN to your computer, EMBRACE your computer, and click onto, and participate in the IWS Radio Show on Blog Talk Radio.

If you don’t…You are going to be on Santa’s naughty list.  And?

Dozens of dogs will remain blind and Sean Hannity will be having oral sex with Sarah Palin, and really?

Who needs to see and/or know about that?

To listen to the IWS Radio Have a Holly Jolly Festivus Show from Noon-2 PM ET click HERE!!

Matt's Best and Worst of Christmas

Cheeeeeers and Ho Ho Ho Chuckleheads!!  It’s Christmas time and that means that now would be a good time for me to do a list of my favorite and least favorite things about Christmas, just as the uber-hot Jayman did yesterday.

Best Movies:
1.  White Christmas
2.  A Christmas Story
3.  The Bishop’s Wife (1947 Cary Grant, David Niven, Loretta Young)
4.  Christmas Vacation
5.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (So awful, it’s awesome)

Worst Movies:
1.  The Santa Clause
2.  Christmas with the Kranks
3.  Jack Frost
4.  Santa Claus The Movie (1985 Dudley Moore)
5.  It’s a Wonderful Life

Best Music:
1.  White Christmas  (Bing Crosby)
2.  O Come All Ye Faithful (Latin version Adeste Fidelis)
3.  O Holy Night
4.  Christmas Canon (Manheim Steamroller)
5.  Little Drummer Boy (Dolores O’Riordan/The Cranberries)

Worst Music:
1.  I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas
2.  The Christmas Shoes
3.  Wonderful Christmas Time (Sir Paul Fucking McCartney)
4.  All I Want for Christmas is You (Mariah Carey)
5.  Billy’s Christmas Wish (Red Sovine)

Best Traditions:
1.  Lights and Decorations
2.  Wassailing
3.  Making fun of Christians who celebrate the Holy Baby Jesus by adorning people they hate, with gifts.
4.  Christmas Eve at my Brother Marty’s house with the family.
5.  Eating, drinking, and listening to Christmas music with Schmoop on Christmas Day.

Worst Traditions:
1.  Christmas Family Newsletter (no changing Jayman’s #1 on that one)
2.  The Phony War on Christmas
3.  Black Friday
4.  At the in-laws, having EACH and EVERY PERSON OPEN ONE PRESENT AT A TIME!!
5.  NBA Basketball

Best Goodies:
1.  Green, Red, and Silver Hershey Kisses.
2.  Schuler’s Donuts
3.  My brother Denny’s Christmas Eve chili.
4.  Homemade decorated sugar cookies.
5.  Sugar Plums!!

Worst Goodies:
1.  Eggnog  (Good call Jayman!!)
2.  Those chocolate candies what with the maple filling.
3.  Mince Fucking Meat
4.  Fruit Cake
5.  Cheese Balls Covered in Nuts.  (C’mon…simply use Cheese, Dried Beef, and end it.)

Best General Christmas Stuff:  Hangin’ out with Schmoop, partying Christmas Eve with my family, delighting in the fact that Alyssa Milano retweeted Jayman, and stiffin’ the bell ringer outside of Wal*Mart.

Worst General Christmas Stuff:  Phonies who proclaim that Jesus is the reason for the season all the while “consumerzing”, ratings driven shout outs to our troops by the media, and the fear, dread, and worry that people feel over the fact that they may not have bought somebody the “right thing” in honor of the Holy Baby Jeebus’ made up birth date.

Perhaps, if we are truly Christians or decent people in general, we would be better served by replacing His Birthday with Sermon on the Mount Day.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Hey Israel? Syria Is YOUR Neighbor and Has a Broken Washing Machine...Why Does America Have to Wash Their Dirty Laundry?

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and Happy Thursday to you all!!

I have a couple of really concretely solid topics to touch upon, but those are best left to be mediaized on this Sunday’s next, sure to be #1 IWS Radio show, so?

I am going to down a 211 and just let my thoughts flow on here today.  Mmmmm’kay?

Dateline…Matt-Man’s head…

You know what would we be cool…If instead of degrading Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s chemical weapons with missiles, we instead, gassed the entire country of Syria, but instead of using serin or mustard gas, we used laughing gas!!

That would be fucking hilarious.  A bunch of punch drunk extremists with guns walking around feeding each other falafels all the while tea is pouring out the side of their mouths like they’re doped up on Novocain. Ha!!

And what’s up with Israel?  Everyone is worried about what will happen to Israel over this crisis.  The only ones not worried about the Syrian Civil War are the Israelis and their 2 Billion Dollars a year from the U.S.

Listen Israel…We give you 2 Bil a year to help arm yourselves and Syria is on your border, so could we see a little action out of you?  I know you are busy building tin shack “settlements”, but really?

If Moses were alive today, he with his Rod of God in hand, would walk straight over to Damascus turn their rivers and their streets red with blood, and then return to Tel Aviv and rain toads down upon you, the Israelites, for being such pussies.

Seriously…Netanyahu and all of you serve who in the Israeli legislative body of the Knish?  You need to ask yourselves, What Would Moses Do?

In fact, and now I am getting a little steamed…it’s as if the State of Israel expects us, the United States of America to protect her.  It’s as if  we Americans are the savior of the State of Israel.  Hmmmmmmm?

The last time there was a savior walking around in the land of Israel, the Jews preferred some dude named Barabbas, and helped to kill the Holy Baby Jesus.

So boys and goils…enjoy your Rosh Hashanah, and delight in the fact that you will surely nail your America savior and benefactor to the cross in the near future.

I hurt my knee today.  I knocked it into a twelve pack of Dr. Pepper…Did Israel care?  Hell No!!  They didn’t even send me any chicken soup with matzo balls.  It’s such a one way relationship.

Ha…you know what?

My Stream of Consciousness thing actually turned out to be focused, and really?  Here’s the thing…

I am not pro-war…I am very anti-war, but y’know?

I get tired of hearing about how a solution and pathway to peace may be possible in the Middle East.

It never will.  There are far too many zealots with far too many strident and monocular ideologies involved.

Perhaps if we attack Syria, which I agree with, that may trigger an expansion of the conflict that sets the region on fire.  I feel bad about that, but then I think…

Eh…so what, because as much as I hate death and destruction, it is an inevitability, because the unholy trinity of radical acolytes of Muslims, Jews, and Christians want it.

To people like that, it’s just a matter of how and when.

And sadly, upstairs in the supernatural open bar of heaven, God, Allah, Buddha, or whatever one prefers to refer to Him as, are sipping on a bottle of Jack and saying…

“Maybe there is another planet we could try this life thing on, ‘cause it ain't working here.”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

IWs Babe of the Week...The Jaymom!!

IWS Radio will be LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio with our Palm Funday Show, but in addition to talking about Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey and getting spanked with palm fronds, we will have a boatload of Birthday shout-outs to um...shout-out.

And, our friends...there will be no bigger shout-out than to a loud, proud, and sassy southern woman who celebrates her Birthday TODAY.

That's right folks....You know her; you love her, and she is the bestest mom in the entire world...

The Jayyyyyyyyyyymom!!

And she is our IWS Babe of the Week.

So, join us from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio today, as we talk Jesus, Jaymom, John, Joshua and a host of other things.

To catch us LIVE today at Noon ET click HERE.

It's going to be a Palm Funday that you will soon not forget!!

Matt Said Jay Said 661.244.9852

Matt yammers, Jay yammers, You stare at us in disgust.

Matt: Howdy Ho!
Jay: We gotta make this fast.
Matt: I know you’re a busy man.
Jay: Well, not really, but I gotta hit the store today.
Matt: Is the pantry empty?
Jay: No, it’s gonna SNOW tomorrow!
Matt: Oh shit!
Jay: IKR?!
Matt: Jay … it’s okay. Settle down.
Jay: I’m trying but man … talking ONE TO THREE INCHES!
Matt: Okay, that’s scary, but it’s nothing you can’t handle dude.
Jay: Maybe I should get a case of M&M’s.
Matt: Now, don’t get cra … Plain or Peanut?
Jay: Pfffffft … PLAIN!
Matt: Oh good. I thought you might have gone over the deep end.
Jay: We’re not savages down here, you know!
Matt: I only know what I see on TV and in the movies.
Jay: Those are all made by Northern Elitists.
Matt: Well, you’ve got a point there.

Jay: So what’s going on witchu?
Matt: I’m digging this new schedule.
Jay: Enjoying it, eh?
Matt: Oh yeah, for two weeks I only work 3-5 on BOTH Tues and Thurs!
Jay: That seems hardly worth it though.
Matt: Well I have to go pick up beer after my nap anyway.
Jay: Good point! Beer and cigs.
Matt: Right, the necessities. So, I might as well work for a bit.
Jay: Dude, you have such a cool and practical approach to life.
Matt: I’ve pretty much got it all figured out.
Jay: *Sings* “Did you ever know you’re my he-roooooooo”
Matt: I’m sensing a bit of sarcasm here.
Jay: *Sings* “and everything I want to be …”
Matt: I bet you can fly higher than a fucking eagle?!
Jay: *Sings* “cause you are the wind beneath my wings”
Matt: That’s just great. So sweet.
Jay: Are you crying?
Matt: Only from the pain.
Jay: In your heart?
Matt: My ears.
Jay: Hurtful!

Matt: Okay, Palm FUNday? 
Jay: Damn right!
Matt: What all we gonna talk about?
Jay: Well, Palm Sunday.
Matt: Guy is in Jerusalem for a live report!
Jay: Excellent. And we have Palm Sunday festivities here in Redneckville!
Matt: We need something big too.
Jay: I know. Like an interview.
Matt: One of the Apostles.
Jay: Our gay correspondent Joshua could interview …
Matt: JOHN! He could interview John!
Jay: They have so much in common!
Matt: IKR?! They’re perfect for each other.
Jay: They’ll be fast friends!
Matt: Oh yeah!
Jay: Also, Obama in Israel.
Matt: That’s pretty hilarious.
Jay: Or will be.
Matt: And I’m sure Jesus was quite the rebel beyond entering Jerusalem like that.
Jay: Oh you know it!
Matt: And the NCAA’s
Jay: And FUN! Or enemies of fun like Michael Bloomberg.
Matt: Fuck that guy!
Jay: And whatever else we come up with.
Matt: It’s perfect!
Jay: HUGE!
Matt: We’re gonna destroy!
Jay: Destroy what?
Matt: Whatever there is to destroy!
Jay: DAMN RIGHT!

There you go folks. Another monster IWS coming up on PalmFunday! Be sure to tune in at 12 Noon ET and even give us a call!

I Have All the Answers

Cheeeeeers Bitches…Matt-Man here, and I have something that my partner in crime, the beloved Jayman, doesn’t have.

I have ALL the answers.

Uh-huh, I sure as heck fire do.  You see…Yesterday, Jayman wrote a gracious and humble post about not having all the answers to life’s problems…like gun control, the Connecticut massacre, and the what have yous.

But you know what my friends?

I DO have all the answers to questions like that.  It’s true.  After all, I am Matt-Man bitches, and I know some shit.

Let’s check my grey matter out.

I hear people asking…

Did that dude shoot 26 people in Connecticut because he had access to high powered guns, or because he had a mental illness?

Duh…Both.

Gun lobbyists like those who work for the NRA can say it was mental illness, and left-leaning medicos and the like can say it was because of gun access.  The truth of the matter is, it was both.

In fact, let me spell it out for you…. I T W A S B O T H.

Another question I hear…

Is it true that Speaker John Boehner and President Barack Obama hate each other?

Hell no…They love each other, are diggin’ the shit out of this attention, and the only people they truly hate are the American people.

Matt-Man, when making love to a chick…Which is better? If she is on top or bottom?

Pfffft…Hello?

The woman HAS to be on top.  When the chick is on top, you can smack her ass, play with her fun bags, AND kiss her all at once and without much effort..  Are you stupid or geographically and physiologically challenged?  Hello?  McFly?

Matt?  I want to make a grilled cheese sandwich, should I use Kraft singles or Velveeta?

Ha Ha…Seriously?  Nothing melts better than Velveeta.  In fact, if one uses Kraft singles to make a grilled cheese sandwich, he or she is probably retarded, and should not go anywhere near a hot skillet.

Matt-Man, Christmas or Hanukkah?

The Magic Matt-Man says, “Yes!!”

Hey Matt-Man…Is the rumor that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene true?

Oh Hell no…being the Son of God, he was much smarter than that; He merely had His way with her.

Hey Matt-Man?  Is Jayman gay?

Lord no, but he has had many a straight man hoping that he was.  That boy is HAWT!!

Yo Matt-Dawg?  Should guns be outlawed?

No…stupid people should be outlawed, mental illness research and potential cures should be well-funded, and ideologues should be voted out of office.

Really, Matt-Man?

Yes…really.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

I Am Matt-Man, But You Can Call Me Job

Cheers and Happy Friday Chuckleheads…Matt-Man here to help you get your big, Super Bowl XLVI weekend kicked off right.

And how will I do that, you ask yourselves?

In order to help you make you feel great about yourselves, Ima gonna tell you about all the simple, yet highly irritating misfortunes that occur to me at the most inopportune times.

Oh yeah, Bitches…

While I am not one who adheres to deadlines and timelines by any means, every day annoyances happen to me right on schedule, meaning…their schedule.

Like last night for instance.  I got home around 9:15 PM knowing that it was me who was scheduled to post on IWS for Friday.  I had put some thought into it while at work, and decided I would write about all the garbage some people post on Facebook.

I’d get home…Re-read some hilarious religious, political, and oh woe is me posts on Facebook and make fun of them.  Simple enough, right?

Sure…If you’re not me.

I got home, went to get on Facebook and voila…I couldn't read anything on Facebook, because using MY browser on MY computer, it was all fucked up.  I asked around to see if others were having problems.  Nope, not a one…Just yours truly.  And then I began to think…

This kinda stupid shit happens to me all the damn time.

Dig it…This past week, I did nine sets of taxes for various people including myself.  Three sets of Federal, State, and Local tax returns.

Eight of the nine returns were accepted as correct.  Guess whose State return was screwed up due to a simple, tiny mistake?  Uh-huh…

Mine.

Hell, yesterday my BFF/OSP Schmoop already got her State refund which I did for her only days ago, and what did I get for my efforts?  Nothing, but the right to be nicknamed, H&R Blockhead, and a one way ticket to Palookaville.

A couple of weeks ago, I was running incredibly late for work.  I managed to get showered, dressed, and ready to go when what did I hear?  A whooshing sound.  A wet, warbling, whooshing sound.  The toilet was running and about to run over.

After cursing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and his Almighty, practical joke wielding Father, I fixed the toilet, ran through the wind and rain to work, and arrived with two minutes to spare.

Desperately in need of a smoke, I stuck my hand in my pocket, only to discover there was nothing there.  I had left my smokes at home in the GODDAMN Bathroom!!

Hell, the other night at work, I was in need of an energy boost, so I bought the last no-carb Monster that we had in stock.  I rang it up; paid for it, and when I went open it…the FUCKING tab broke off without opening the can.

I am not afraid to admit…I wept a bit.

There is hope however, and there is a bit of promise perhaps.

Due to my schedule at work, I have yet to see my kid play any of his High School basketball games this year.

This Tuesday if the weather is not too bad, and he doesn’t have to work at his “every day” job of snow removal and maintenance, Bill who works off and on for us, is going to work my evening shift, so that I may attend my son’s game…on my birthday no less.

While I find that very sweet of him, I know that given my track record in life, it ain’t going to happen.

Because…

Even if the weather is perfect and Billy Boy does show up?

As I am driving to my son’s game, with music cranked and a birthday smile upon my face, I will suddenly hear an explosion and a koo-lumpa-lumpa-lumpa sound a mile or so away from his school.

I will pull over to the side of the road, once again curse the Baby Jeebus, and begin to fix the flat tire…or the two flat tires, oh what the hell, I’ll fix all, GODDAMN FOUR flat tires.

Have a good weekend everyone, and enjoy the Super Bowl.  I’ll miss the first quarter because I am working, but I’ll get to see the rest of it.

Provided our TV doesn’t go on the shits, which...I'm sure it will.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws    

The War on Christmas is Bullshit

Hey guys! Marty Martstein, I’m With Stupid’s Senior War on Christmas Correspondent here. I just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve never been more proud to NOT be a Christian than I was on Black Friday of this year.

What the fuck is your problem people? Pepper spraying other customers to keep them away from the Xbox games? Tazing people? Rioting over cheap electronics? Knocking over old people and even robbing people in the parking lot? And of course, my favorite, showing your ass, literally as it hangs out of your sweats when you brawl with other customers over $2 waffle irons?

And after all this you have the audacity to lecture the rest of the world about their behavior? You call OTHER countries “uncivilized” and refer to OTHER cultures as “inferior” and OTHER people as “savages?”

Now you people are all going to spend the next month bitching about whether someone wishes you a “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays?” Really? Come on people. You go out on Black Friday and put on this disgusting display of crass materialism and greed, and now you’re going to turn around and tell everyone “Jesus is the reason for the Season.” That’s a bit hypocritical of you, don’t you think?

Look, I have no problem with the checkers at Walmart or some other store telling me to have a Merry Christmas. They don’t know that I don’t celebrate and it would be rude of me to correct them. I’m not offended by Christmas music playing over the loudspeakers in public places, nor am I offended by Christmas trees or even nativity scenes on the courthouse lawn. Hell, if my kids went to public schools with the riff-raff regular kids, I wouldn’t even mind them participating in the schools production of A Christmas Carol or being a part of the Christmas pageant.

Nobody is! That’s what’s so stupid about all this War on Christmas crap. The only people who are offended by Christmas are guilty white liberals who, as always, believe it’s their place to tell “minorities” when we should be offended. I can make up my own mind on that, thankyouverymuch. And so can everyone else.

But, of course this gives people the chance to claim that Christians, who make up over 80% of the people in this country and over 90% of all elected officials, are being oppressed. This is the biggest load of bullshit ever. And, let’s not forget the people who want businesses and corporations to be “left alone” and allowed to do what they feel is best to make profits so they can create shareholder wealth and jobs are the ones who want to tell the businesses and corporations what to do. This is because they don’t just want the totally made up date of birth of their Lord and Savior acknowledged, they want it forced upon those who either don’t believe or have different beliefs. And then there’s the whole thing about how the great defenders of Christianity in the media are a bunch of multiple-divorces, drug-addicted, sexual-harassing loud-mouths, and you can see that this whole thing is pretty much bullshit.

So instead of spending the next month at each other’s throats having a huge argument over nothing, why don’t we all just tell the people on both sides of this completely made up War on Christmas crap to shut the fuck up and just enjoy the festive holiday season. And maybe show a little of that goodwill towards man stuff we hear about all the time too.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch my DVD of A Muppet Christmas Carol. If you need me, just contact my Christian friend Jayman.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

P.S. I highly recommend I'm With Stupids "Black Saturday" episode. It was non-stop fun and jocularity as Matt-Man and Jayman mocked the Black Friday folks and Matt took advantage of his cold to do his best ever Peter Brady impression. And then things really got fun when Dana Lu called in to tell us about her Black Friday experience. Overall, a damn good show. 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio