Merry Fucking Christmas!! It's Music That Matters

It’s Christmas week and I feel like takin’ care of the lack of messages that I am getting from my son….

So let’s play some music that reminds me of my brothers who have passed:

First up, my brother John.  John and I rarely interacted until late in his life, because only then did we acknowledge that we were as smart as each other, and it was at my brother Steve’s wedding that John requested this:



And then of course, my brother Phil.  My brother Phil was going to change the world, but in the meantime, he was always betting on a particular racehorse and chicks who dug folk music:



And then unexpectedly, my brother Vince passed on this past Summer, and he was the one that lo those 30 years ago turned me onto The Cars:



The odd thing about my kid not giving a damn about me?  I don’t care that much any longer.

I love him to death, but really, as much as I would like him to like me, I don't have time to dwell on that...Just ask my brothers, 'cause well, they're dead.

But in other news, Jayman and I kicked ass celebrating the Holy Baby Jesus yesterday on Blog Talk Radio, If I'm a lyin' I'm a dyin', so check it out

Discover Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
@mattmaniws
My Facebook Page

Person of the Week: Jesus Christ!

IWS Radio is proud to announce that our Person of the Week is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the Prince of Peace himself …. Jesus Christ!!

Jesus was born a really long time ago in Bethlehem (or Nazarene or Galilee or whatever) sometime between early fall and late spring, but we celebrate his birthday on December 25^th!!

Jesus was a great guy who liked to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. He turned water into wine then got drunk and tipped over the bingo tables and drove out the money changers. Then he went and hung out with the strippers and hookers and other sinners. (Just like Jayman does!)

He is also the all-time Hide-and-Seek champion of the WORRLLLLLLDDDD!

So, from all us here at IWS Radio, a very sincere and heartfelt Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

Don’t forget to join us for a Holly Jolly Festivus as we continue to celebrate Christmas and throw in a little Festivus at 12 Noon ET on IWS Radio!!!

Matt Said, Jay Said...White Santa Said!!

Cheeeeeeeeeers and Ho Ho Hooooooooooola!!

White Santa here in order to hijack the typical Saturday IWS Radio edition of Matt Said, Jay Said, and turn it into, Santa Said!!

Is there a problem with me doing that just a few days before Christmas?  I make lists and name names y’know…

Okay then…I didn't think you would mind.

Let me tell you folks…Jay and Matt are going to be putting on a spectacular IWS Radio Christmas Show tomorrow.

They are going to be celebrating Christmas as it was intended to be celebrated…lots of laughs, friendly banter, hospitality, great music, and non-stop hilarity that will shine brighter than my franken-reindeer Rudolph’s nose.

Ho Ho Ho.  And as a special bonus…

Jay and Matt have promised me, that for each and every person who listens LIVE, a blind dog will get the gift of sight, and Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity will shut the fuck up about that duck fucking, Jim Crow-Loving puddle of primordial goo who has for whatever reason, captured the attention and admiration of much of a nation.

In addition to that, if you call in at 661.244.9852 and are funny and/or otherwise nice to them, you may get a sugar plum.

But Santa, you ask…Why should I listen?

Let me tell you why, my wonderfully thus far, behaved boys and girls…

Tomorrow’s,  Have a Holly Jolly Festivus radio show (which airs LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET) is chock full of comedy, Christmas readings, music, and dozens of well-wishes from the vast and diverse worldwide audience that Jay and Matt who for reasons unexplained, have captured over the years.

And yeah…

They may even mention the Holy Baby Jesus.  In fact, in addition to the sexy Trinity of Jay, Matt, and the Holy Baby Jesus…

Kirk Douglas, Bobby Kraft, Dixie Ozark, Schmoop, Slyder Balzcock, Paul Piatt, Malcolm Eckstein, Jamie, Buddy Acapella, Stubby Stonehenge, and among others, yours truly…Santa Claus are scheduled to appear.

Tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, don’t lazily saunter to your computer, drink a cup of hot chocolate and RUN to your computer, EMBRACE your computer, and click onto, and participate in the IWS Radio Show on Blog Talk Radio.

If you don’t…You are going to be on Santa’s naughty list.  And?

Dozens of dogs will remain blind and Sean Hannity will be having oral sex with Sarah Palin, and really?

Who needs to see and/or know about that?

To listen to the IWS Radio Have a Holly Jolly Festivus Show from Noon-2 PM ET click HERE!!

Matt's Best and Worst of Christmas

Cheeeeeers and Ho Ho Ho Chuckleheads!!  It’s Christmas time and that means that now would be a good time for me to do a list of my favorite and least favorite things about Christmas, just as the uber-hot Jayman did yesterday.

Best Movies:
1.  White Christmas
2.  A Christmas Story
3.  The Bishop’s Wife (1947 Cary Grant, David Niven, Loretta Young)
4.  Christmas Vacation
5.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (So awful, it’s awesome)

Worst Movies:
1.  The Santa Clause
2.  Christmas with the Kranks
3.  Jack Frost
4.  Santa Claus The Movie (1985 Dudley Moore)
5.  It’s a Wonderful Life

Best Music:
1.  White Christmas  (Bing Crosby)
2.  O Come All Ye Faithful (Latin version Adeste Fidelis)
3.  O Holy Night
4.  Christmas Canon (Manheim Steamroller)
5.  Little Drummer Boy (Dolores O’Riordan/The Cranberries)

Worst Music:
1.  I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas
2.  The Christmas Shoes
3.  Wonderful Christmas Time (Sir Paul Fucking McCartney)
4.  All I Want for Christmas is You (Mariah Carey)
5.  Billy’s Christmas Wish (Red Sovine)

Best Traditions:
1.  Lights and Decorations
2.  Wassailing
3.  Making fun of Christians who celebrate the Holy Baby Jesus by adorning people they hate, with gifts.
4.  Christmas Eve at my Brother Marty’s house with the family.
5.  Eating, drinking, and listening to Christmas music with Schmoop on Christmas Day.

Worst Traditions:
1.  Christmas Family Newsletter (no changing Jayman’s #1 on that one)
2.  The Phony War on Christmas
3.  Black Friday
4.  At the in-laws, having EACH and EVERY PERSON OPEN ONE PRESENT AT A TIME!!
5.  NBA Basketball

Best Goodies:
1.  Green, Red, and Silver Hershey Kisses.
2.  Schuler’s Donuts
3.  My brother Denny’s Christmas Eve chili.
4.  Homemade decorated sugar cookies.
5.  Sugar Plums!!

Worst Goodies:
1.  Eggnog  (Good call Jayman!!)
2.  Those chocolate candies what with the maple filling.
3.  Mince Fucking Meat
4.  Fruit Cake
5.  Cheese Balls Covered in Nuts.  (C’mon…simply use Cheese, Dried Beef, and end it.)

Best General Christmas Stuff:  Hangin’ out with Schmoop, partying Christmas Eve with my family, delighting in the fact that Alyssa Milano retweeted Jayman, and stiffin’ the bell ringer outside of Wal*Mart.

Worst General Christmas Stuff:  Phonies who proclaim that Jesus is the reason for the season all the while “consumerzing”, ratings driven shout outs to our troops by the media, and the fear, dread, and worry that people feel over the fact that they may not have bought somebody the “right thing” in honor of the Holy Baby Jeebus’ made up birth date.

Perhaps, if we are truly Christians or decent people in general, we would be better served by replacing His Birthday with Sermon on the Mount Day.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Jay's Best and Worst of Christmas

Hola and Ho Ho Ho y’all! It’s Christmastime and that means now would be a good time for me to do a list of my favorite and least favorite things about Christmas.

Best Movies:

1. “Scrooge” the musical w/ Albert Finney as Scrooge.
2. “Scrooged”
3. Miracle on 34^th Street (1947 version w/ Natalie Wood)
4. A Christmas Story
5. A Muppet Christmas Carol

Worst Movies:

1. The Santa Clause
2. I’ll Be Home for Christmas
3. It’s a Wonderful Life
4. Deck the Halls
5. Jack Frost

Best Music:

1. “All I Want for Christmas is You” – Mariah Carey
2. “White Christmas” – Bing Crosby
3. “The Things We Did Last Summer” – Dean Martin
4. Silent Night
5. “Santa Baby” but only the version performed by Aunt Jackie for IWS

Worst Music:

1. "Jingle Bell Rock"
2. "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree"
3. "Blue Christmas"
4. "Wonderful Christmas Time – Paul McCartney"
5. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

Best Traditions:

1. NBA Christmas Day Games
2. Lights and Decorations
3. Caroling
4. Christmas Open House Parties
5. Special Christmas Episodes of TV shows and Christmas Music Specials

Worst Traditions:

1. Christmas Family Newsletter
2. Christmas Sweaters
3. Door-to-Door Christmas Solicitors (And Phone)
4. Black Friday
5. Silly gift giving games like “pass the present” or “white elephant”

Best Goodies:

1. Fudge
2. Cookies
3. Cranberry Bread
4. Candy Canes
5. Peanut Brittle

Worst Goodies:

1. Egg Nog
2. Pumpkin Pie
3. Pecan Pie
4. Fruit Cake
5. Tofurkey

Best General Christmas Stuff: Just the happy feelings and love and camaraderie you feel this time of year. Plus all goodwill towards man, charity and feelings of community.

Worst General Christmas Stuff: The fact that all that goodwill doesn’t last and all the miserable, grumpy Grinches and Grinchettes out there who try to bring everyone down and ruin our good time and fun. Assholes.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

The IWS Person of the Week: Black Santa

After having his very real and imaginary existence being ridiculed, rejected, and otherwise scoffed and disbelieved this week, Black Santa is here to show you that he is very real and the IWS Person of the Week as well...

Oh sure...Megyn Kelly, the latest, prime time, right-wing Fox News ratings whore emphatically stated this week, that Santa is a white man...

Unfortunately for her and her Christmas stocking, joyful Black Santa has nothing but an angry finger of "Oh no you dint" and a lump of coal...

Hell, Black Santa even has a Black Mrs. Claus...He married a former 70's TV star who feigned her own death so she could marry and live in snow laden luxury with her magical Black Santa man...

Black Santa has even given the okay to re-release an old album about him and his life in order to set the record straight...

It's such a shame that Black Santa has to go through all of this in order to correct the flippant and uncorroborated words of one Megyn Kelly, especially during the Christmas Season, but...

Black Santa will continue to travel the globe this Christmas as he always does and leave something for everyone, except for her.  When she doesn't realize why her stocking is empty Christmas morning, don't tell her.  Let her figure it out on her own...

Annnnnnnnnd while Megyn Kelly will soon be wallowing in her Christmas grief, Jay, Matt, and the entire IWS Radio staff are having their IWS Radio Office Christmas Party 2013 today LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET!!

Sex, hilarity, gift giving, layoffs, and yuletide debauchery will be taking place from our offices in Arkansas, Ohio, and Canada.

It's going to be a HUGE show.  So HUGE, that the Blog Talk Radio staff has picked it as one of their Best of the Week.

So listen LIVE, and as always, feel free to participate by calling in at 661.244.9852.

To join the fun and frivolity LIVE, CLICK HERE!!

Christmas Time Layoffs Suck

“Fire and damnation! Don't they know that I'm trying to run a business here?"

--Scrooge

Well hail and welcome to the Christmas Season one and all.

Two weeks plus one day until we celebrate the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus and/or shallowly shower each other with lead based gifts from China and gift cards to Subway.

Kidding, kidding, of course.  I love Christmas.  I’m Father Christmas…I am Matt-Man Christmas.

I know…I may have sounded sarcastic just then, but I really do love Christmas, because it is, religious affiliation aside, fun time with family and friends no matter what your denomination or liturgical proclivity.

However…

My Red and Green Christmas has just suffered a Black Eye, because after twelve and a half years of being “The Girl Friday”, my BFF/OSP, Schmoop, has been callously laid off by one Bill “Scrooge” Pence.

That’s right…

Last year at this time as Schmoop spent seven hours on a gutting table in order to remove a uncooperative bile duct by a trained physician, she now spends this Christmas getting her soul ripped out by a man who couldn't wait three weeks to lay her off and by the way, he smells like onions.

Ol’ Scrooge Pence was, and is probably saying…

“Merry Fucking Christmas Schmoop…You were my sidekick, gate-keeper, and confidante for nearly thirteen years, but it is time for me to have you gunned down like my Lenin to your Trotsky.  Sorry I couldn't tell you while you were at work today that you were laid-off, I wanted to wait and call you when you got home”

Feliz Navidad and Blammo!!

I will be attending Schmoop’s official firing today, and you know why?

Bill “Scrooge” Pence and his know-it-all Grandson VP who probably just received a raise, think they can get one pass the Schmoopster.

Little do they know the love I have for Schmoop, the knowledge I have of labor laws, or the power of IWS Radio to critically fuck them up.

You know what’s sad?

I hope that today…Schmoop gets her last paycheck from there; he hands her a signed letter of termination, and then she can apply for unemployment, and we move on.

But you know what?

He will add insult to injury by somehow tying things up, delaying it, or otherwise making a mess of things.

And if he does?

I hope you will join us this Sunday during our IWS Radio Office Christmas Party when we will discuss this further.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Christmas Brings Us All Together...Or Something

Happy First Monday after the Second Sunday of Advent, whatever the hell that means…

Y’know?

Today I was going to wax poetically and party like on the fun that is the office Christmas Party, however, the premeditated pandemonium of today’s post has been tempered by one, Jimmy Stewart, et al.

I merely posted an innocent joke on Facebook last night that stated the following:

I see on the scroll at the bottom of the TV that most Baptist Churches are closed tonight due to bad weather, so you'll have to hate your neighbors at home tonight.

I thought it was a mildly funny joke in between football games, but boy howdy, it clicked the ignition switch to on for a few folks.

Okay…first off, Jayman, one of the few people who “gets me”, posted a picture of a rimshot drummer.

I appreciated that, and things were off to a swimmingly fun, religious based joke session with plenty of “likes”.

And then?  Things turned ugly, and more importantly, really fucking stupid in a way that reminds a person with half of a thinking mind…

“Could you please remember that anyone and everyone can read this, before you post this?”

Playing lead-off hitter of hate, was former IWS intern and white supremacist Jim Stewart, who commented oddly enough…

“WOW…and you talk about me being a bigot”

Holy Cow…

When I am called a bigot by Little Jimmy Stewart, he has either lost his mind or damn, I am the incarnation of Adolph Hitler.  I am guessing the former, because really?  I dig chicks who get on top and take control of my empire, not the other way around.

Following that, the comments turned to varying degrees of the existence of God.

And then, a sweet lady named Karen chimed in, and far removed from the typical Facebook hit and skip bluster and bullshit Little Jimmy had divested out earlier, she said unto me…

“Just know this. Many people have been through many things without God, but then, when they believe, they realize that it could have been much easier if they had known God then”

My reply to her was…

“I believe that to be true and I am one who subscribes to that line of thought, but there are people who live their lives being horrid human beings all the while insisting that they believe in God. Grace without works is an empty faith, and a path to hell.”

Whenever in doubt about religious comments, teachings, or pithy quips, I always go back to my namesake…Matthew.

He wrote of grace and what, if one is to adhere to any religion or list of beatitudes, should follow.

That is exactly what Christmas is about.  Grace.

Being the better person.  Being the better human being.  Being the better you.

If we all did that, the world would be a better world, and that is the best Christmas present anybody could get.

And...If that isn't enough, and speaking of phone sex operators, we had one on yesterday on the IWS Radio Show, and she was AWESOME!!

Candice rocked the house as she spoke on everything sex operator line chick.  She was samrt, sweet, and informative so check it out...

Cheers!!

Find Additional Comedy Podcasts with IWS Radio on
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Are You Ready For The Holidays!

*Sings* “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the wa…” Oh! Holaaaaaaaa! Or HO-HO-HO-La! Or something. It’s almost time for the Holidays again kids! Aren’t you excited? I know I am! You can tell by all the exclamation points I’m using!

I really do love this time of year. It’s finally cool, cold even! It was like 28 degrees when I woke up this morning. Damn near too cold to go commando, but not quite. Doesn’t the cold air make you feel alive? It does me. I feel all invigorated and shit when that cold November wind hits me in the face and makes me get all teary eyed and snot-nosed. It’s a wonderful feeling!

Why was I out in the cold wind you ask? I had to go and get something for my sore throat and this cold that I caught being outside in the cold air so much last week. So now my throat hurts all the time, I’m sniffing and sneezing non-stop, snot is running down my nose constantly and my head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton. But, that’s a small price to pay for enjoying this wonderful and magical time of year.

I just love going into any store and hear Christmas music already. I LOOOOOOVE Christmas music! I also love to wander around and look at all the cheap Christmas crap made in China. Uh, I mean all the beautiful and expertly made Christmas stuff manufactured by our very good friends over in China. (Whew! That was a close one. I would hate to have to apologize to China three times, right Jimmy Kimmel?)

Every year I go into Walmart or some other place thinking that I might get a few new Christmas decorations. I wander around and look at all the shiny stuff they have and end up getting nothing. Well, a couple of years ago I did get a new wreath for the door at an after Christmas sale, but that’s it. I’m sure this year will be the same. I’ll just put out that ceramic snowman, creepy Santa and of course Rudolph. The very same Rudolph who has been hung on the wall since I was like 10 years old.

Isn’t he cute? Why would anyone want to replace Rudolph? I guess I could get a NEW Rudolph, but what would be the point in that? Rudolph is Rudolph and that Rudolph will last another 35 years easy!

Oh don’t worry, none of these decorations will be going up until after Thanksgiving. I’m not a savage you know! Oh, that reminds me. I will once again be spending the week of Thanksgiving in beautiful, mysterious and exotic Omaha, Nebraska. (Weather permitting, of course.) So, that means I will be taking that week off from IWS related activities. No show on the 24^th unless Matt-Man wants to do the show by himself or get a special guest co-host, and no blogging that whole week by me. Try not to miss me too much, okay?

It is almost my intention to once again get all my Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving. I will either do it here or in Omaha. That way I won’t have to worry about shipping anything and trusting the USPS to actually deliver the package. I have my doubts about their ability to do that. Anyway, that way just when things start getting really hectic for most people, all I will have to do is hang Rudolph on the wall, put up the tree and make the fudge. And THAT’S what makes the Holidays such a wonderful time of year!

*Sings* “Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.”

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS