IWS Person of the Week: Santa Claus !!

Cheeeeeers…Happy Winter Solstice….and let’s get ready to get our Christmas Rumbllllllllllllle on!!

As it is Sunday once again and a mere four days prior to our world’s annual Christmas celebration, who is more qualified to personify and embody the holy, supernatural, and good-willed spirit of Christmas than this week’s IWS Person of the Week…

Santa Claus!!

Nobody, that’s who.

Santa Claus being the shape shifter that he is, has been around for years in one form or another and once in awhile people have spoken of him as a creepy figure.  It’s an outrage!!  We here at IWS Radio know that among the millions who have sat upon his lap, the lap-sitters are typically far creepier than our beloved Santa Claus…

Many people think of Santa Claus as nothing more than a jolly old gift giving soul who hasn’t a care in life, but his job is incredibly hard.  He alone has to determine for the entire world over the course of year, those who have been naughty and those who have been nice.  More often than not, that can be a very time consuming and difficult job, yet other times, not so much…

Even though there are billions of people in this world, somehow Santa takes the time to investigate each of us individually, and determine if we are worthy of him providing us with his own personal package…

Santa can work his magic like no other and instantly tell if you have been good or bad, and decide if you are worthy of a Christmas gift, or in the case Jay and Matt, an entire Santa sack full of Christmas gifts.  So…

Here’s to Santa Claus, our IWS Person of the Week.

And…For more great Christmas fun and frivolity, join Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Staff as they present two hours of laugh filled, music filled, and just plain Christmastime good will LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

The entire IWS Radio staff will be on hand to get you in the mood for Christmas like no else, as they celebrate the commercialized solemnity of the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus during the, We Got Your Bells Jingling Right Here Baby episode of the IWS Radio Show.

To listen LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET today click right HERE, and as always, call-us up and wish everyone a very Merry Christmas at 661.244.9852!!  

Matt Said, Jay Said...White Santa Said!!

Cheeeeeeeeeers and Ho Ho Hooooooooooola!!

White Santa here in order to hijack the typical Saturday IWS Radio edition of Matt Said, Jay Said, and turn it into, Santa Said!!

Is there a problem with me doing that just a few days before Christmas?  I make lists and name names y’know…

Okay then…I didn't think you would mind.

Let me tell you folks…Jay and Matt are going to be putting on a spectacular IWS Radio Christmas Show tomorrow.

They are going to be celebrating Christmas as it was intended to be celebrated…lots of laughs, friendly banter, hospitality, great music, and non-stop hilarity that will shine brighter than my franken-reindeer Rudolph’s nose.

Ho Ho Ho.  And as a special bonus…

Jay and Matt have promised me, that for each and every person who listens LIVE, a blind dog will get the gift of sight, and Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity will shut the fuck up about that duck fucking, Jim Crow-Loving puddle of primordial goo who has for whatever reason, captured the attention and admiration of much of a nation.

In addition to that, if you call in at 661.244.9852 and are funny and/or otherwise nice to them, you may get a sugar plum.

But Santa, you ask…Why should I listen?

Let me tell you why, my wonderfully thus far, behaved boys and girls…

Tomorrow’s,  Have a Holly Jolly Festivus radio show (which airs LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET) is chock full of comedy, Christmas readings, music, and dozens of well-wishes from the vast and diverse worldwide audience that Jay and Matt who for reasons unexplained, have captured over the years.

And yeah…

They may even mention the Holy Baby Jesus.  In fact, in addition to the sexy Trinity of Jay, Matt, and the Holy Baby Jesus…

Kirk Douglas, Bobby Kraft, Dixie Ozark, Schmoop, Slyder Balzcock, Paul Piatt, Malcolm Eckstein, Jamie, Buddy Acapella, Stubby Stonehenge, and among others, yours truly…Santa Claus are scheduled to appear.

Tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, don’t lazily saunter to your computer, drink a cup of hot chocolate and RUN to your computer, EMBRACE your computer, and click onto, and participate in the IWS Radio Show on Blog Talk Radio.

If you don’t…You are going to be on Santa’s naughty list.  And?

Dozens of dogs will remain blind and Sean Hannity will be having oral sex with Sarah Palin, and really?

Who needs to see and/or know about that?

To listen to the IWS Radio Have a Holly Jolly Festivus Show from Noon-2 PM ET click HERE!!

Yes Megyn Kelly There is a Black Santa Claus, And An Asian One, And So On...

Cheeeeeeers and Happy Friday the 13th to you all!!

I am getting really excited as I always do this time year, because there are only twelve days until my white Santa Claus brings me presents in honor of the white Baby Jesus.

Holy Christmas my friends…along with white Santa, and white Jesus, there is snow on the ground here as well.  The whiteness abounds!!

It’s no wonder White Christmas sung by Bing Crosby is such a big holiday hit.  Irving Berlin was a master of Search Engine Optimization back in the days of telegrams, phone operators, and something really fancy called air mail, and he knew how to capitalize on the whiteness of the holiday season.

However much to my chagrin yesterday, I learned that some non-Santa Colored Skin chick named Aisha Harris wrote a piece for Slate.com stating that she would prefer, that in order to embrace all of the world’s different cultures, Santa not be white, not be a man, but rather, be a Santa Penguin.

Well bar the door to white Santa’s Factory because Ms. Harris’ editorial really set the slowly grinding gears of Megyn Kelly’s quasi-legal mind into full indictment.

Legal SHEagle Megyn Kelly after citing parts of Ms. Harris’ article, responded on her FOX News show this past Wednesday…

“For you kids watching at home; Santa just is white. But this person is arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa…Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change. You know, I mean, Jesus was a white man, too.”

Ha…First of all, when I read Ms. Harris’ piece, and then heard a clip from Megyn Kelly’s show, I laughed my ass off for the same reason that Ezra Klein did, and to paraphrase him…

Megyn Kelly profoundly claims that the imaginary present-giving man who commands flying reindeer is white.

Ha!!  This is what America has become.  I mean, I would expect this type of debate within the “hallowed” halls of the House of Representatives, but among normal, everyday American people?

And yes, I know this argument and/or titanic race debate of Santa was promulgated by some chick writing on Slate and a dullard with cute hair and no soul on FOX, but Americans on both sides are eating it up and weighing in.  Including yours truly, however…

I am weighing in to say…I find it stupefying that there is a debate and WAR now raging about the physical make-up of an imaginary man,  but I find it more mind boggling that no one has asked me to settle the imaginary feud over the imaginary man that is Santa.

You see…

Santa is white…Santa is also black…He is also Asian…He is Mexican…He is a single black mother.  He is a single white dad.  Santa is a waitress with three kids, and she is a woman who has adopted a kid along with her female spouse.

Santa is a southern boy from Arkansas, a sarcastic bastard from Ohio, and the homeless man or woman who opened the door for you at the department store today so you could go in first, do your shopping, and they could follow you in and warm up before they went to sleep outside.

So to Aisha Harris and Megyn Kelly, you both are wrong.  Santa comes in a myriad of different skin colors, gestures, and Christmas wrappings.

Santa is an attitude…a fictional, yet joyful personification of hope, and an inspiration to all people for but mere moments during the calendar year.

And seriously…when that Christmas joy, fun, and happiness happens in the blink of an eye, do you really care or even remember what color Santa was?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Hanging Out with Santa Claus

Hola y’all! Santa came over tonight and hung out with me and agreed to do a Jay Said, Santa Said for the blog cause he’s cool like that.

Jay: Hola Santa!
Santa: Beer please. And some chips. I’m hungry.
Jay: I’ve already got them for you; uh please don’t smoke in here.
Santa:  I’m Santa Claus I can smoke anywhere I fucking please.
Jay: It’s bad for you though.
Santa: So is sliding down everyone’s filthy chimney but nobody tells me not to do that!
Jay: Good point.
Santa: Nobody cares about my wellbeing.
Jay: Now, that’s just not true.
Santa: Really? Everyone leaves cookies, fudge and cake for me.
Jay: I’m sure some people in Cali leave granola and soy milk.
Santa: Yes and that shit is disgusting!
Jay: I know being Santa isn’t easy, but not THAT bad.
Santa: Nobody ever asks what I want for Christmas.
Jay: That’s only because you can have whatever you want.
Santa: Yeah, but having someone else get it for me would be nice every once in a while.

Jay: But, you’re Santa Claus. You do this out of the goodness of your heart.
Santa: I should sell ads.
Jay: Really? Sell out like that?
Santa: Nothing big. Maybe just some small ads on the wrapping paper?
Jay: Maybe on the tag?
Santa: That’s brilliant! “To Timmy … From Santa brought to you by Tostitos” or something.
Jay: I’m thinking Johnsonville Brats.
Santa: I like the way you think.
Jay: With your sophisticated marketing operations, you should be able to target ads.
Santa: I’m thinking of asking Google to help me with that.
Jay: You’ll get some criticism for this.
Santa: Only from the pink-o, panty-waste, atheist, baby-killing liberals who hate me already.
Jay: That’s true.
Santa: So fuck them
Jay: Hell yeah! You go Santa!

Jay: So how’s the Christmas season been this year?
Santa: Same as always. Greedy, spoiled kids demanding expensive toys.
Jay: Gets worse every year.
Santa: Damn right it does. And I get pissed on at least four times a day.
Jay: Is your suit water proof?
Santa: I spray it down with a special formula so I don’t smell like piss all day.
Jay: Well if you did, you could just take the bus and fit right in.
Santa: Hey-OOOOOOOOO!
Jay: Is there anything good about being Santa?
Santa: Well there are a few things.
Jay: The joy of the season? Happy children smiling and laughing?
Santa: Well that and a few “fringe benefits.”
Jay: Oh really? Like groupies?
Santa: Dude. Every hot chick in the world wants to sit on Santa’s lap.
Jay: That’s awesome.
Santa: It’s crazy. Hell, I can go to any strip club and get a free lap dance for every single girl there.
Jay: I’m so jealous.
Santa: You should be. In some of the dodgier places I can get a free handy too.
Jay: Santa! I’m so disappointed in you!
Santa: Oh please! Spare me your fake indignation. I never claimed to be a role model.
Jay: Well, that’s true. I guess anyone would take advantage of being Santa a little bit.
Santa: I’m only human dude.
Jay: Good point.
Santa: Well, I better be off.
Jay: Got big plans?
Santa: Getting pissed on by kids and free lap dances from strippers.
Jay: Typical weekend then.
Santa: Yup.
Jay: Well, Merry Christmas and safe travels Santa.
Santa: Thanks my friend.

There you go. As you can see, Santa is a very complicated, yet fun and thoughtful guy.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

IWS Babe of the Week...Ho Ho Ho's

I wasn't much in the Christmas mood until Friday, but since Friday?  Whoooooa-Oh,  Kaaaaaaaaatie bar the door!!  And what better way to share my Christmas spirit than to share some Christmas babes with you...

Every time I see this chick I start strokin' in a winter wonderland...

Santa works hard on Christmas Eve so he deserves a little down time come Christmas Day...

Jayman would appreciate celebrating a Verwy Asian Chwistmas.  Fa ra ra ra ra...ra ra ra rahhhh..

And the Matt-Man?  His fave Christmas Babe for four years running....Ho-Ho-Ho...

Letters to Santa

With the latest of 8,000 GOP Presidential debates scheduled to air on FOX News at 9 PM tonight, the IWS news team has uncovered information more revealing of the candidates than any answers they could give to questions asked by Megyn Kelly such as…

“What is the capital of Solyndra?”

“Are corporations people too?”

Or…

“May I run my fingers through your hair?”

Yes folks, put their stances on foreign policy, economic recovery, and bestiality aside; thanks to our operative working within the United States Postal Service, we now reveal the candidates’ true personalities from their letters to Santa Claus…

Dear Santa:

I have been a darn (pardon my expletive) good boy this year. I have, much like you do, made thousands of people feel good about themselves by telling them what they want to hear, and promising them what they want. However, unlike you, I cannot deliver a thing.

I hope this Christmas you can bring my words to fruition. I want you to give gay people every right we normal people have while revealing to them the emotional and financial horrors of a bad marriage. I want you to enact strict guns control laws while holding true to the tenets of the NRA. I want you to read the minds of souls of women and spontaneously and unknowingly vaporize the zygotes inside those women who really don’t want a child so that abortion becomes a non-issue.

Thank you and I think that red suit is very becoming on you. Unless, of course you don’t want me to think that.

Yours in the tepee of the Nephites,

Mitt

Dear Santa:

I would like you to protect every adorable fetus conceived through thick and thin, rape and incest, drug induced bunga bunga parties, and schoolyard dares.

I would also like a soft-serve ice cream machine.

Merry Christmas to you and the Mrs.,

Rick Santorum

Dear Santa:

When I think of you, I think of that time many years ago when on your sleigh, you secretly carpet bombed the Cambodians into submission and helped our Jewish friends to secure the upper peninsula of my beloved Minnesota.

I figure that since you have that kind of power, you could quickly, yet sweetly and peacefully, kill off my husband Marcus, and introduce me to a marriage-worthy man who isn’t gay.

I love you and so does Jesus,

Michele

Dear Santa:

Just like me you are a round, homely looking old man, and yet, the ladies dig you and without even spending a dime, you no doubt get a helluva lot more high class trim than even I. My Christmas wish is simple.

I want your secret. My current wife is getting on my nerves and frankly, and I can’t keep this “genius” façade up forever, so I’m going to need something other than a line of credit at Tiffany’s in order to bag a few more hot chicks before I die.

Beware of the Electro Magnetic Pulses while flying around,

Newt

Dear Santa:

As I tell you every four years or so, I don’t want a goddamn thing from you. You are not the solution to our problems; you are the problem. And…if you have an “in” with the Almighty? Tell him that streets paved with gold are yet another example of the obscene waste of tithings by those in power.

Go to Hell,

Ron Paul

Dear Santa:

I want three things from ya this year. An endless supply of pain meds and a new pair of boots.

Thank Ya,

Rick Perry

And there you have it folks…Another Pulitzer Award winning expose brought to you courtesy of the IWS newshounds.

And…I think the most important thing we have learned from this scoop is, that just like corporations, GOP Presidential candidates are people too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Santa Claus is a Busy Man

Hola and Ho Ho Ho to all the good little boys and girls (and to the naughty girls), Santa Claus is guest posting for I’m With Stupid. That’s right bitches, the big man himself is here to let you know that he’s not jolly. Not one bit.

You know why? Because everybody and their dog but me is getting a reality show. If those boring (big) ass Kardashians can have a show, I should have one too. Here’s an example of a typical day:

5:00 am: Wake up to custom alarm playing “Jingle Bells.”
5:01 am: Take long, satisfying piss.
5:04 am: Ask Mrs. Claus if she’s up for a little morning action.
5:05 am: Dejectedly leave the bedroom and start the coffee going.
5:07 am: Check official email and find the box full. Leave for assistants.
5:08 am: Check personal email and find two offers for cheap Viagra and one from some chick in Nigeria claiming to need help moving $10,000,000 dollars. Put Nigeria lady on “Naughty” list.

5:10: Get a cup of coffee and check Facebook
5:11: Poke 3,758 people back
5:30 am: Check my Words With Friends game
5:32 am: Put Sally Oberton of Ottawa, Canada on “naughty” list for playing “Charquis”
6:00 am: Daybreak Yoga with the elves.
6:30 am: Light breakfast of 4 slices of bacon, 4 pieces of sausage, 4 biscuits, has browns, 2 eggs over easy and a glass of orange juice.

7:30 am: Tweet: “Time to shit, shower and groom the beard.”
8:00 am: Tweet: “Let’s do this bitches!”

8:01 am til Noon: One meeting after another. Meet with production supervisors to see how toy production is going. Yell at supervisors about excessive overtime. Remind everyone how much would be saved by outsourcing production to Southeast Asia. Then meet with maintenance team to make sure the sleigh is in good shape. Meet with the lawyers to find out which flight paths have been approved. Meet with Secret Society of Jews Who Exchange Presents on Christmas.

Noon: Typical lunch of double bacon cheeseburger, fries, a piece of chocolate cake and a Diet Coke.

12:30 pm til 3:00 pm: More meetings. Meet with the stables managers and try to smooth over any drama going on with the reindeer.  Meet with logistics to see that they’ve made the requested changes. Meet with the lawyers again to see if they got Congress to approve my special “non-profit” status.

3:00 pm:  Krav Maga Training
3:30 pm til 5 pm: Surf the internet for videos and self-pics of girls who want to get on my “Naughty” list followed by afternoon masturbation session.

5:00 pm: Dinner consisting of Reindeer Stew, Ciabatta bread and a bottle of red wine.
6:00 pm: Seinfeld
7 pm til 11 pm: Hang out on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and Reddit while watching episodes of Gilmore Girls on DVD.

11:00 pm: Tweet: “Bedtime with Mrs Claus. That Ho Ho Ho! #justkidding”

See folks? Fascinating stuff! I see no reason that I haven’t gotten a TV show. It’s non-stop drama all day long. A hell of lot more drama than just driving a freaking rig over a hill, I tell ya that much History Channel! And if anyone out there wants to offer me a reality show, contact me through my representative Jayman.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

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Also, we held out IWS Office Christmas Party this weekend on I’m With Stupid and it was EPIC! We had a HUGE crowd in the chat room and just rocked it all through the show. We had some Xmas party DOs and DONTs, party games and discussed Xmas parties of the past. Also, there was an exclusive interview with Santa himself.

Oh, and there were trolls too. We dispatched them as quickly as possible, just like Santa would have. So, give it a listen because it will make your day a little brighter. And that’s what it’s all about for us. Making you happy.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio