Dan Hamm Loves IWS Radio

I am the newest member of the IWS Radio team, and let me tell ya, I love it as much as I have
anything.

I made my debut yesterday, and I had a good time, and I got my first check from IWS Radio which forces me to, for the first time in my life, learn how to budget, and I appreciate Jay and Matt for having to learn that skill.

Anyway, yesterday's show was pretty awesome...
Matt gave directions to a lost soul sixty miles from his destination and Jayman had to pee at 4:30 Sunday morning.

They had a great looking chat room that was prettier than cell B-17 at Auschwitz... claimed Mike Huckabee.

Bill O'Reilly tried to make sense of Sarah Palin.

Keith Olbermann was all sorts of fucked up and was more or less incoherent.

Martin meditated us into a serene sense of serentiy and well, hot creepiness.

Schmoop was ubiquitous and she didn't even know it.

Between David Letterman and Rick Perry, one couldn't understand their Scottish guest, and the other was incomprehensible.

Jayman had a plethora of summer sounds that has ruined last few days, while Matt Man was being creeped out by the ice cream truck.

On the upside, a surprisingly sober Party Marty actually answered his phone, and told us that in spite of his 35th Class Reunion, he wasn't hungover.

Very unfortunate for the listeners, but good for Marty.

There was also a lot of bad music, interspersed, so give it a listen, it's twice the fun at half the cost...

Matt Said Jay Said 3

Matt pops a cork…Jay taps a keg…You celebrate with us.

Matt:  Hiya Chuckles!!
Jay:  What’s up?
Matt:  I’m getting excited about our big 3rd Year Anniversary Show this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET.
Jay:  IKR?  This show is gonna be bigger and hotter than the flames coming out of your ass after eating a can of Beefaroni!!

Matt:  I just had a flashback thank you very much, but you’re right.
Jay:  Man, can you believe it?  Three years of non-stop laughs and top notch journalism.
Matt:  IKR?  It’s like we’re the FOX News of Blog Talk Radio, only we have top notch journalism.

Jay:  True…They could learn a thing or two from us…like being
Matt:  Like what?  FOX News being fair and balanced?  That’s crazy talk!!
Jay:  A man can dream, can’t he?
Matt: I suppose, but let’s try to stay in a relative realm of reality.

Jay:  Word.  So, this anniversary show…the accolades having been pouring into us from many celebs.
Matt:  Oh I know…I received one today from San Diego Mayor Bob Filner.
Jay:  Wow…I have already received congrats from Rick Perry, Roseanne, and Ted Cruz.
Matt:  Freaking awesome.  Dig this Jayman; John McCain sent us THREE statements of kind words!!
Jay:  That’s so cute, but guess what?
Matt:  What?

Jay:  President Obama just now sent us one as well!!
Matt:  Get outta here.
Jay:  If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’!!
Matt:  This is HUGE!!

Jay:  We need to play these and the warm words from others in power, for our loyal audience.
Matt:  We sure as hell will, along with playing our fave files and moments from Season 3.
Jay:  Nothing wrong with a Sunday stroll down Memory Lane.

Matt:  I’m sure Guy Ahnyurdyck, Slyder Balzcock, and maybe even Kim Fragile will chime in.

Jay:  And Joshua, Rev. Moneymaker, Bobby Kraft are probably mixing and mincing up some words.

Matt:  And of course Jayman, you know who truly needs to be involved and celebrated…

Jay:  Damn Right!!  The listeners…who without fail, make us the Number One Comedy show nearly every week.

Matt:  We will have shout out and tributes galore to those fine folks
Jay:  As it should be, and we can touch on what is in store for Season Four.
Matt:  Poetically said Jayman.
Jay:  Rhyming is my Bitch.
Matt:  Word.

Jay:  So let’s get ready to party tomorrow, Sunday August 25th on Blog Talk Radio…
Matt:  As IWS Radio presents its Season 3 Finale LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET.
Jay:  Listen LIVE, hit the Chat Room, and of course Matt-Man…

Matt:  Call-In LIVE at 661.244.9852

Jay:  How do they get to the party, my good man?
Matt:  They can get there by clicking HERE.

Jay and Matt:  Holaaaaaa and Cheeeeeers!!

The Prime Minister of Turkey Bastes Gov. Rick Perry

Merhaba and  Günaydın to you.

This is Turkish Prime Minister, Recep Tayyip Erdogan for I’m With Stupid.  Why is the Prime Minister of a country of nearly 80 Million people vocabularizing on this medium, you ask?

Well listen as I tell you…One American GOP candidate for President, Rick Perry, says that we are but a Muslim-ruled alarmist and terrorist nation.

When we objected to his words to the U.S. Department of State, we were brushed off by an official statement that read…

“Don’t worry your pretty, little, whirling dervished heads about what Rick Perry says; he’s a fucking moron.”

Frankly and grammatically, I was behooven to put finger to type pad and contact someone…indeed, anyone…who in America would listen to us, and allow me to speak upon behalf of our ecru-colored peoples.

Mr. Perry says that my nation of Turkey should receive no U.S. aid because we are a nation of Islamic terrorists.

Allow me to explain to Mr. Drugstore Cowboy, who in shoe-shined boots, shoots cooped up birds at a ranch probably named in honor of his and his daddy’s dalliances, that we Turks, have for sixty years, been a friend to the West and more importantly, to the United States.

Let me tell you something Perry…Toward the end of World War II we entered on the side of the Allies.

During the Cold War, we told the Soviets to bring it, because we knew they wouldn’t, ‘cause we are Turks.

During the Korean Conflict, we fought along side of you, bled with you, and ate shit-canned WW II rations with you, and we as allies…Turks, Aussies, Brits, and Americans, together gunned down much of the shallow gene pool that was to become Kim Jong Il.

In 1952 we had asked for, and were granted, a membership into NATO.  Turkey became the lynchpin and the keystone for keeping the USSR from gaining a iron foothold in the Middle East.  And what do we get in return from you, Mr. Perry?  That’s right…

Heartache.

I know.  I know…You Mr. Perry, like many Americans, have this, balls to the wailing walls feeling for Israel and all of her “vast greatness” as a place of Middle East democracy and God Given benevolence, however…

Many of us in Turkey distrust the State of Israel, what with her illegal capture of some of our Turks recently, and Israel’s attack on the U.S.S. Liberty in 1967; we would rather just simply ignore Israel, all the while seeing Palestine being granted her own state.

And allow me to ask you this, Mr. Perry…If Israel is such a great and glorious democracy , how come America is still spoon-feeding her a couple of billion dollars a year.  Should not that foreign aid end as well, if you guys are so strapped?

Oh my goodness gracious, Mr. Perry.  You claim, we as Turks are rattling scimitars, and going beyond the pale as we as a country explore our future and examine who we want to be.  And, maybe we are changing from the country of Ataturk into something different, however…

We may be changing into a national version of you, and demonstrating exactly what it is that you, if we were a Jewish State, would like and support…

We like you, may want our democracy to someday, become a theocracy, but with one glaring difference.

We are doing it because for many in our nation our faith tells us to, not because that is what the Presidential polls tell us to do.

And Mr. Perry with the South Carolina Primary quickly approaching, and in all of your brief and xenophobic less-than-glory, I utter to you the words that Ataturk said years ago…

“As they have come, so they will go.”

Don’t let the door of obscurity and ignorance hit you on the ass, Rick.

Sincerely,
Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Prime Minister

email:   neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws

Letters to Santa

With the latest of 8,000 GOP Presidential debates scheduled to air on FOX News at 9 PM tonight, the IWS news team has uncovered information more revealing of the candidates than any answers they could give to questions asked by Megyn Kelly such as…

“What is the capital of Solyndra?”

“Are corporations people too?”

Or…

“May I run my fingers through your hair?”

Yes folks, put their stances on foreign policy, economic recovery, and bestiality aside; thanks to our operative working within the United States Postal Service, we now reveal the candidates’ true personalities from their letters to Santa Claus…

Dear Santa:

I have been a darn (pardon my expletive) good boy this year. I have, much like you do, made thousands of people feel good about themselves by telling them what they want to hear, and promising them what they want. However, unlike you, I cannot deliver a thing.

I hope this Christmas you can bring my words to fruition. I want you to give gay people every right we normal people have while revealing to them the emotional and financial horrors of a bad marriage. I want you to enact strict guns control laws while holding true to the tenets of the NRA. I want you to read the minds of souls of women and spontaneously and unknowingly vaporize the zygotes inside those women who really don’t want a child so that abortion becomes a non-issue.

Thank you and I think that red suit is very becoming on you. Unless, of course you don’t want me to think that.

Yours in the tepee of the Nephites,

Mitt

Dear Santa:

I would like you to protect every adorable fetus conceived through thick and thin, rape and incest, drug induced bunga bunga parties, and schoolyard dares.

I would also like a soft-serve ice cream machine.

Merry Christmas to you and the Mrs.,

Rick Santorum

Dear Santa:

When I think of you, I think of that time many years ago when on your sleigh, you secretly carpet bombed the Cambodians into submission and helped our Jewish friends to secure the upper peninsula of my beloved Minnesota.

I figure that since you have that kind of power, you could quickly, yet sweetly and peacefully, kill off my husband Marcus, and introduce me to a marriage-worthy man who isn’t gay.

I love you and so does Jesus,

Michele

Dear Santa:

Just like me you are a round, homely looking old man, and yet, the ladies dig you and without even spending a dime, you no doubt get a helluva lot more high class trim than even I. My Christmas wish is simple.

I want your secret. My current wife is getting on my nerves and frankly, and I can’t keep this “genius” façade up forever, so I’m going to need something other than a line of credit at Tiffany’s in order to bag a few more hot chicks before I die.

Beware of the Electro Magnetic Pulses while flying around,

Newt

Dear Santa:

As I tell you every four years or so, I don’t want a goddamn thing from you. You are not the solution to our problems; you are the problem. And…if you have an “in” with the Almighty? Tell him that streets paved with gold are yet another example of the obscene waste of tithings by those in power.

Go to Hell,

Ron Paul

Dear Santa:

I want three things from ya this year. An endless supply of pain meds and a new pair of boots.

Thank Ya,

Rick Perry

And there you have it folks…Another Pulitzer Award winning expose brought to you courtesy of the IWS newshounds.

And…I think the most important thing we have learned from this scoop is, that just like corporations, GOP Presidential candidates are people too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

God Is an Oversexed, Freak Flag Flying Liberal

There have been several GOP Presidential debates thus far, and I have watched and listened to most of the oratorical-political sparring that has taken place between Romney, Cain, Perry, Bachmann and the other Republican hopefuls.

I must say…

This gaggle of goo-heads may be the most moronic group of folks assembled since the last Motley Crue reunion tour, however…

I don’t think this because of their stances or lack of stances on issues such as economics or foreign affairs. No my friends, it’s their stances on social issues and how they relate them and justify them to their faith and belief in God. And…

They get the God is a social conservative shit so damn wrong. Listen to me folks…

God is one whacked-out pervert, who has flexed his supernatural sinew of slutdom and unfurled his omin-formidable, free love freak flag throughout history.

Now dig it…

What’s one of the first things God did? He created Adam. And shortly after that? He created Eve. And how did he create Eve?

He used one of Adam’s ribs…Hmmmmm. To me that sounds like some serious supernatural, anti-Christian cloning and rib-cell research. It also begs the following hypothesis…

When Adam lay down and had sex with Eve, wasn’t he really having sex with himself? In fact, since Adam’s sexcapdes with his clone were directed by God, wasn’t God saying to Adam:

“Adam, go fuck yourself.”

And then later on, God while in the process of destroying the city of Sodom realizes he is going to need to re-populate the place when the carnage is over, so what does he do?

Instead of introducing a nice young couple to become man and wife and make some babies, he chooses old man Lot and his two daughters. The daughters ply Lot with Manischewitz and engage in a sexfest of Biblical proportions. All the while, Lot can be heard screaming:

“Who’s your daddy?”

Ha…Drunkeness and an incestuous three-way…It’s like a Russ Meyer flick. God is one uber-cool sick fuck.

And then we advanced to the times of King David. Ah yes, David…The mighty warrior and future King who smited Goliath, and built a Jewish empire under the watchful eye of God. Uh-huh…

When David wasn’t toppling giants or crushing the armies of his enemies, he was writing psalms and hanging out with Saul’s son Jonathan playing Crouching Hebrew, Hidden Latke.

Oh yeahhhhhh, David was as queer as a square bagel. And, God dug him.

And then, we have the story of Mary…Holy Cow!!

God decides he wants a son, so he impregnates another man’s wife by raping her via supernatural in vitro fertilization and today we celebrate that illicit action with twinkling lights, Christmas carols, and gift cards to Target.

Gimme a break you GOP Presidential candidates…

You may say you are a God-fearing Christian with a deep belief in the Almighty, but c’mon…the God you choose to believe in and with whom you claim to have a personal relationship, is not the same God I know.

My God among other wacky things, is a huge fan of cloning, auto-erotic sex acts, homosexuality, sex out of wedlock, unnatural child birth, and coining offensive phrases that are still in use today.

On top of that, he has houses of worship built in his honor and has other people foot the bill, all the while getting a Goddamn tax-exempt status!!

Man…if all that doesn’t add up to the definition of a free love, freak flag waving Liberal, I don’t know what does, and you my Fundamentalist GOP friends need to stop waving the Bible and actually give it a read.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Herman Cain Sexual Harassment Charges: A Victim of High-Tech Wenching Lynching

Hi, and 9-9-9 to you'se all…

GOP Presidential hopeful Herman Cain here to give you the 4-1-1 on reports that I sexually harassed a couple of ho’s while I was top dawg of the National Restaurant Association in 1998.

Now listen, I didn’t harass nobody.

If I said something such as…

“Hey Uz-Beki-Beki, let’s get together and have some sexy-sexy.” or…

“Yo Deep Dish, come up to my hotel room, and I’ll show you my, 9-9-9.”…or

“Pan down Chippy, you’re in the restaurant biz; so serve me. I’m Herman Cain, Bitch!!”,

To all of you'se sleazy ho-bags, and Herman-Haters...

I'm tellin' you'se, that weren’t a case of me harassin’; it was just another instance of Herman being Herman. Shit.

And lookit…

I am a married man.  I am a deeply religious man. I am a man who lives by the Word of God, AND…have been recorded singing Old Rugged Cross and negro type spirituals.

Do I sound like the type of man who would go all Nebucannever on folks, piss all over the Holy Baby Jesus, and get all up in the ass of a woman who wasn't matrimonialized to me? 

Word.

Hell…If you'se want to get superficial wif it, do I even LOOK like a sexual harasser?

Does my Chief Adviser, Mark Block look like a harasser?

Uh-huh, I don't think so…Go preach that fact about Herman to the mainstream media…and while you’re at it, preach it to your mama…especially if your mama be livin' in Iowa n' shit.

You know? I find it ironical, that this story broke on October 31st.

No, not because of Halloween, but because on October 31, 1517, Martin Luther protested against the salaciousness and indulgences of the Catholic Church by nailing his almost legible 95 Theses to a telephone pole.

An today, my friends...I am those 95 Theses that were nailed to the telephone pole, lo those many years ago.

I am The Political Reformation, and much like the parchment that Luther wrote upon, I have been slandered and am left bleeding on a telephone pole…or was it a May Pole? Maybe I am merely bleeding in the polls. Fuck.

But let me tell you'se all, don't abandon THE Herman Cain during these dark times or you could end up with this freak show as your GOP nominee...

What the hell was that?  Did someone stick a douche full of vinegar and stupid juice up Rick Perry's ass before he gave that speech in New Hampshire this past weekend?  

Lord Almighty, that is one fucked up honkie.  Amen, and True Dat!!

Anyways…Let me justify, testify, and delegitimize these allamagations and put your minds to rest…

These reported charges of my libido going all atomic wif these chicks are unfounded. Listen…

These chicks were given a goodly sum of money to shut their pie holes and walk away after their outrageous charges of me soliciting them in an improper manner.

Lord Almighty, if I had truly solicited those ho’s, it would have been those human mattresses paying ME off.

After all…

I’m Herman Cain, Bitches…and I gots the 9-9-9. Peace Out.

If you’d like to offer moral support, and/or donate to the Herman Cain 2012 campaign, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Chris Christie for President 2012

Ummmmm settle down, and listen up…Gov. Chris Christie here.

I have a huge announcement to make, and Matt-Man convinced me to use the incredibly wide expanse of the I’m With Stupid media empire from which to make it.

I agreed, because Matt-Man, Jayman, and the staff of I’m With Stupid are not the types to slovenly devour people with cheap shots by throwing out seemingly delicious red meat to the masses. So here I go…

The calls for me to run for the GOP Presidential nomination have swollen to the point where the weight and gravity of the cries for my candidacy, have convinced me to finally step up once again, to the plate.

My friends, I am doing it.  I am putting my skin into the game and will be walking semi-briskly for the office of President of the United States of America.

Look at the menu of candidates from which we Republicans have to choose.  I get a better line-up of choices at the Denny’s in East Brunswick.

Bachmann?  Her intellect is thinner than the, “Great Chefs of Ireland Cookbook.”
 

Herman Cain?  Ha, Godfather’s Pizza genius prefers deep dish pizza.  We’ve had enough of Chicago style politics under Obama; we don’t need Chicago style pizza under Cain.

Boy Toy Rick Perry is a shit-ka-bob.

Romney and Santorum are as exciting as broccoli.  Ron Paul’s mind is like goulash.  Newt Gingrich always leave you hungry for something else, and Jon Huntsman…um…c’mon, he’s a glass of skim milk.

See what I’m saying? The current field of Republican candidates blows more than a Jersey girl.  My party needs me.

My country needs me.

Democrats…Republicans…all politicians in Washington are interested only in reelection, while ignoring the 800 pound gorilla in the living room of our nation…Economy and Jobs.

My friends, I want to be that 800 pound gorilla.  

I want to jump up and down, rattle some cages, turn the White House into 1600 I Don’t Give A Fuck About Your Reelection Avenue, and rebuild the breadbasket of America into a gourmet bakery full of delicious smells of success and cupcakes heavily frosted with prosperity.

Believe me.  I can almost feel your pain, and I want to help you.

I know that you and your families are doing without and pinching every penny.  If elected…

I will make sure I cut out the fat and tighten the belt on the out of control pork fest that is taking place in D.C.

Unlike me, our current leaders and politicians are nothing more than line cutters at The Old Country Buffet, feeding their faces with the fresh Salisbury steak and still steamy mashed potatoes, while you are left with nothing but cold peas and hard toast.

If elected, I will make sure that you will be first in line enjoying hot gravy and beef tips while the career politicians are gnawing on cold broth and gristle.

I want to thank I’m With Stupid for allowing this perfectly seasoned political discourse by me without taking any cheap shots. 

I’ll be having Matt-Man and Jayman over for manicotti soon, and if you’d like to help me out please contact Matt-Man at:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Gov. Chris Christie

Donald Trump 2012: A Full Table and an Empty Suit

I have been a bit miffed of late.

Donald Trump has had dinner with Sarah Palin, Rick Perry, and now plans to have eats with Mitt Romney next Monday. I started thinking to myself…

Sure, the people with whom he has broken bread want to be President, but doggone it, so do I…Why shouldn’t he sit down and throw some groceries back with me, so…

I called The Donald and told him just that, and to my surprise, he said to me…

“Let’s eat, Matt-Man…and because I’m The Donald, it’s on me.”

I asked him where he wanted to hook up and he replied that since I was renown for being a lover of the burger, and he is kinda like royalty, we’d meet at White Castle.

In fact he said, “The King can delight in watching his serf feast upon the golden sliders he has bought for him.”

Whatever, and anyhoo…

The Donald and I met over sliders last night, and frankly, the guy is a real jerk, but I had questions.

I of course asked him why, when he met with Palin, he ate pizza with a fork, and he responded…

“Have you seen the hairy, oily dagos who make that shit? Getting a rogue, hairy anchovy on my slice would be bad enough, but I don’t want listeria or Neapolitan Measles from it because wunderkind, Giuseppe coughed on it. The fork is my radar.”

Ah I said, and then asked him what he thinks of Rick Perry…

“Jim’s a great guy.”, he responded. “Jim Perry could lead this nation back down a road to greatness, as soon as he realizes that roads need a government to build them…and maintain them…and plow the snow off of them.”

I said to Trump, “I noticed you called him Jim instead of Rick again…Is there a reason for that?”

The Donald, swayed the fork with which he was eating his sliders and onion rings back and forth, and responded…

“Rick…Jim…Mitt…Sarah…It makes me no never mind…I don’t give a shit about those fucks. I’m all about The Donald, and branding. If I have to buy them an expensive dinner to stay topical, so be it. It may cost me in the short term, but hell, it’s not like I can’t go bankrupt again. FOX and NBC will still pay me”

And with that, I recognized the genius behind the fucked up hair, the braggadocio, the frightened little pseudo-genius, and attention seeking man-whore he is, but seriously…

He shouldn’t talk with a mouthful of sliders, onion rings, and the ice cream scoop of mashed potatoes that he pulled from the pocket of his Versace suit.

It was disgusting.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry...Corn Dog Wars!!

Hey you…Yeah, you. Remember me? It’s me, Michele Bachmann…Nothing?

I’m a Tea Party drinking, government bashing, Republican congresswoman from Minnesota and I’m running for President. Now do you remember?

I see that some of you are now shaking your heads, but it would be more helpful if you were shaking them in an up and down fashion and not side to side, but…um…

Fuck…I knew this was going to happen.

Less than a month after I win the GOP Straw Poll in Iowa, the devilishly handsome, well-chiseled, Rick Perry enters the GOP Primary race and I’m tossed aside like a half eaten can of tuna in favor of a prime piece of Texas ribeye.

This sucks. AND IT’S NOT FAIR!!

I’ve been giving and giving. Traipsing along the campaign trail loudly espousing nonsensical, anti-government rhetoric, and what do I get in return?

Heartache…and single digit poll numbers.

From the Halls of Minnetonka to the shores of Biloxi, I have fought your anti-tax battles on the air, and land, and sea. And then what?

Rootin-Tootin’ Rick Perry enters the race, out anti-government rhetoricals me, and out sexy corn dog eatin’s me. WTF?

I’m Michele Bachmann dammit…Glad to meet ya!!

Listen folks, I know how to eat a damn corndog in a sexy way…

Hell, even my allegedly gay husband Marcus, can be sexy when tossing back a dawg…

Okay…I guess he does look gay when he does it. But he’s not, so shut up. My husband is as straight as they come. He’s as straight as the Minnesota winter is long.

Now, take a look at Gov. Perry eating a corndog…

Talk about someone who seems to know his way around a shaft of meat. I’m not saying Perry’s gay, but c’mon, if Hermann Goehring was alive, he’d have that picture blown up and placed on the ceiling over his bed.

Anyway…This entire situation and Rick Perry blow. Hell, even my campaign staff is leaving me, all because of a goddamn corndog.

Maybe at some point during the NBC/Politico GOP Debate at the Ronald Reagan Library tomorrow night, I’ll unleash a new campaign song.

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what I truly want to be, ’cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, then everyone would be in love with me!!

I think I’m on to something. And if not..?

I’ll just give Rick Perry a lil’ taste of my “corndog eating” skills, and become his running mate.

Trust me my fellow Americans, being vacuous is not my only skill. When it comes to choking down a dawg or two, this bitch got skillz.

See ya at the debate tomorrow,

Michele Bachmann

Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Rick Perry for President 2012

Hi y’all and youzzins, Governor Rick Perry of Texas here, and Ima runnin’ for President. Dint see that comin’ did ya?

Well I did…and I knew I was gunna run for some weeks. I just dint want them other Republican Presidential wannabes know that this Lone Star State Stallion was about to kick their electoral heads in.

Listen my friends, I am all about America…I am the embodiment of the greatest of America…

I am America.

Growing up, I was moved and inspired by reading about the early Presidents of this great nation.

Historical accounts of Presidents George Washington, Sam Houston, and Jefferson Davis fueled my desire to achieve the greatness that I knew existed within my bein’.

After graduatin’ from Texas A&M with a degree in Animal Science, a career in the Air Force, I became a legislator and later Governor of Texas, but…I wasn’t fulfilled. Sumpin’ was missin’.

And then my friends in Christ, the greatest President of all spoke to me from afar.

It was GAWD, and he asked me to run for President…he called me to run…he chose me to run.

And so, on His word, I am.

Our nation is livin’ in the end times my friends. People goin’ hungry…Precious babies without health insurance…Regressive taxes, and an insufferable number of teens without a High School diploma.

I oughta know, because under my command, the Great Republic of Texas leads the nation in most of those things. Can I get a, WOOP WOOP…Texas Number ONE, my friends.

Texas also leads the nation in creatin’ new jobs. Damn right. While the rest of the country is bleedin’ jobs to foreigners, I have been importin’ jobs.

Just ask states like Wisconsin, Ohio, Massachusetts, and New York. Your jobs aint goin’ to Mexico; they’re comin’ to Texas, you Yankee bastards. Yeee Haww…Texas Number ONE, again, my friends!!

I’ve created a situation where Texas is “business-friendly”. Union shops? No. Entitlements to Health Care? No. Cheap labor from Mexico? Hell Yes!! But don’t take that the wrong way…

Some, especially on the right, claim that I waffle and am soft on the issue of illegal immigration. Those ass hat rodeo clowns who say that, are namby pamby, Michelle Bachmann pussies.

The reason I am in favor of less restrictive borders with Mexico, is so I can accomplish something that the Mexicans and their government have never been able to accomplish…

To at long last, draw the infamous Devil-Beast, Chupacabra into the open and shoot the hell out of his ass.

Come across the border Mr. Chupacabra and watch ol’ President Rick Perry put a shit load of lead into your Godless goat suckin’ head!! Boo Yah and hand me my Winchester!!

Anyhoo, my fellow Christian Americans…When I go in, I go ALL in, so take me as I am and know that I am the chosen one.

And to Michelle Bachmann, you can be me running mate anytime babe. Sure, Mitt Romney has better hair than you, but I hear he doesn’t swallow.

For I’m With Stupid, this is your next President, Rick Perry sayin’…

God Bless America, and bring me the head of the Chupacabra.

Yours in Christ,

Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX)

Tim Pawlenty Out, Rick Perry In

Are you worried about poor Tim Pawlenty and what he might do next now that he’s no longer running for president? Well, don’t be. Today on I’m With Stupid we laid out ALL of T-Paw’s options, and it turns out he has lots of opportunities out there. He’ll be just fine. 

In addition to talking about T-Paw, we discussed his last ditch efforts to go after America’s Sweetheart Michele Bachmann, and how they backfired on him. We talked about how Mitt Romney continues to be a ruggedly handsome and extremely charming man. And, we welcomed Rick Perry and his very impressive hair to the race. 

Then, we had a few thoughts on Bert and Ernie not being gay. Or so Sesame Street claims. Come on guys.  It’s okay. We’ve all accepted Bert & Ernie for who they are for many years now. You don’t have to hide it. I mean, you don’t see Peppermint Patty and Marcie hiding their love, do you? 

Anyway, we covered all this and so, so much more. And, we would very much appreciate it you took the time to listen using this here handy, dandy BTR Mystery Machine. And don’t forget that coming up this Saturday we’ll be doing the Phobia Show! That’s right. We’ll talk our phobias and yours, as well as some of the more exotic phobias out there. 

And, as always, we love you all! 

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GOP Debate Series Part 1

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first in a series of GOP Debates being held here on the I’m With Stupid blog and sponsored by the I’m With Stupid internet radio show. 

The format is simple. We’ll throw out a very important question that is something that matters greatly to the American people and give each candidate a chance to answer it to the best of his or her abilities. We’ll do one question each week. Please withhold your applause until after each candidate has had a chance to answer, and try to refrain from any loud verbal outbursts other than laughter.  Okay, let’s get started.

Q1: What, if anything, would you do to improve the economy and maybe speed up the recovery?

Michele Bachmann: Well, I would do a heck of a lot more than Obama, I tell you that much right now. I think mostly I would just tilt my head back a bit and open my eyes really wide and stare at the economy until it began whimpering and fidgeting like Rick Santorum having to ride in an elevator with all of Lady Ga Ga’s male back up dancers. 

Mitt Romney: First I’d just like to say that those Patriots are looking good and it’s gonna be another great championship season for them coming right on the heels of a Red Sox World Series Win! Wooo! But, as to your question, I would use my rugged good looks and natural charm along with my impeccable manners to make the economy feel completely comfortable with me and then covert it into a growing, dynamic economy.

Tim Pawlenty: Uh, I would mostly just bad-mouth the economy behind its back and then be all deferential to it to its face in hopes that it would like me.  

Ron Paul: I wouldn’t do a GOD DAMN THING! The economy is on its own. Just like the rest of us. 

Herman Cain: I would check the recipe and make sure I got all the ingredients right. Then I’d let it rise, fall and rise again. Then, cover it with all kinds of goodies to enhance its look and taste and put it in a preheated oven to rise to its full potential. 

Gary Johnson: I would smoke a doobie and tell everyone to chill out. 

Rich Santorum: I’d stop those nasty, disgusting gays from getting married. They’re so gross! Ewwww! 

Newt Gingrich: I’m already running a million dollar tab at Tiffany’s and going on cruises around the Greek Isles, what the hell else do you people want from me? 

John Huntsman: Oh, I’d do a little of this, and a little of that. I would take good ideas from both sides and come up with a moderate, middle of the road plan. Then I would check my hair in the mirror to make sure I still look better than Mitt, and then move on to the next challenge.

Rick Perry: I would pray. And then I would pray some more. Then I’d point out that I have much better hair than either John Huntsman OR Mitt Romney. After praying some more I would get out my old .45’s and start shooting the dirt all around the economy’s feet and yell “DANCE ECONOMY! DANCE!  Then, I would secede. 

Okay, so there you have it folks. The first round of the I’m With Stupid GOP Debate is now complete. We’ll be back soon with round two’s big question. 

Jayman
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