CNN Brings Back Crossfire!

Hola and welcome political junkies to CNN’s new/old show Crossfire! That’s right, CNN has brought back one of its greatest political shows with all new hosts and they promise lots of sparks! On the right we have Disgraced Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and sexy conservative S. E. Cupp, and on the left we have Van Jones and Stephanie Cutter. Below is a transcript of their first show…

Newt: Excuse me? First the “Hola” crap and then “disgraced?” You better watch yourself or you’ll be looking for a new job buddy!

S.E. Cupp: Whatever Newt.

Stephanie Cutter: *rolls eyes*

Van Jones: Lighten up Francis.

Newt: My name isn’t Francis.

S.E: I think it was a joke Newt.

Van: It was a reference to the movie “Stripes”

Stephanie: Yeah, you know? Bill Murray?

Newt: Lame pop culture references to lowbrow 70’s comedies will not be tolerated Van, even though that isn’t your REAL name.

Van: Is this how we’re gonna start things?

Newt: How did you get the name “Van?” Is it in reference to your being conceived in the back of a van during a “hey sailor if you’ve got the money, I’ve got the time” situation?  

S.E: Hey-OOOOOOO

Stephanie: SHOTS FIRED!

Newt: What? I’m unarmed!

Van: Well, you’re unarmed intellectually anyway.

Stephanie: *giggle*

S.E: Nice!

Newt: Okay, now that we have all the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get busy.

S.E: I love to get busy.

Stephanie: Me too!

Van and Newt: That’s hot!

Newt: Okay, DOMA and Prop 8 rulings. Obviously, a disaster. The Supreme Court is on its way to morally bankrupting this country.

Stephanie: I really don’t think so. It’s all about basic human rights and human dignity.

S.E: I’m gonna have to agree with Stephanie on this one Newt.

Newt: Of course you will. You probably wanna do her.

S. E: What?

Newt: Well, with a rack like yours, I’m sure lesbians hit on you all the time.

Stephanie: I know I would if I were a lesbian.

S.E: This is highly inappropriate and won’t tolerate it. Back me up here Van.

Van: It is inappropriate, but also relevant to my interests, ifyouknowwhatImean?

Newt: Anyway, gay marriage invalidates straight marriage. Straight marriage loses all real meaning when gays get married, right?

Stephanie: Nope

Van: I don’t think so Newtster.

S.E: Not really.

Newt: Well it ruined all of mine!

S.E: How so?

Newt: Every time gay marriage becomes an issue, one of my marriages falls apart.

Stephanie: I thought your cheating ruined your marriages?

Newt: Gay marriage is immoral, so just discussing it makes me do immoral things.

S.E: Really?

Van: Well, Callista must be as nervous as Paula Deen riding the express elevator with The Pips then!

Stephanie: Hey-OOOOOOOOO!

S.E: LOL! *Hi-5’s Van*

Newt: You know what? Let’s just call it a day for our first show and maybe CNN could find some people on my intellectual level?

Van: Great idea Newtie-Poo. My car is out front, who wants to go get a drink?

S.E: I’m in!

Stephanie: Shotgun!

Newt: *sniff, sniff*

Van: Aww … It’s okay Newt. You can come too!

Newt: Really? Gee thanks!!!

Van: Just try not to be an asshole.

Newt: That’s kind of hurtful but okay. Hey! Can we pretend you’re my chauffeur?

Van: Don’t push it.

Newt: Okay.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

I Just Don't Get It

Hola y’all! You know I’m a fairly smart guy. Maybe not the Einstein of our time, but not a moron either. I’m pretty good at figuring most things out or a least come to a basic understanding when someone explains something to me. But, there are some things I just don’t get. They make no sense to me, even when people try to explain the. Here’s a sampling of things I don’t get…

- People who follow people they hate on Social Media. I see this on every social media site in the entire world. People complaining about someone they follow. What’s really weird about this is that we’re usually talking about people who follow celebrities, news figures, athletes or some other kind of “famous” person.

Really? You hate them, think they suck, think they’re stupid, get pissed off at the things they post yet you won’t unfollow them? You’ll need to quit your fucking bitching, thanks.

If you’re follow a “regular” person and don’t want to hurt their feelings then, that’s life. Seriously, figure out how filters and shit like that work or just live with it.

- Passive-Aggressive People on Social Media. Seriously, posting passive-aggressive shit on social media is for cowards. If you’re too much of a pussy to contact someone directly then shut the fuck up.  

- Duke fans who didn’t actually go to Duke. I talked about this on our The Sound and the Funny show a bit. Sure, there are people who are fans of other college athletic programs who didn’t go to those colleges and have no connection to them, but when it’s people rooting for Duke who have no connection to the school its … well … sad. These are people who are desperate to be liked by the “elite” and hope they’ll be accepted into their “I’m better than you” club. You won’t be. They are as disdainful of you and condescending to you as they are everyone else.

- People who post things like “If you believe that gay marriage is okay and should be legal just unfollow me” and then bitch and whine that they got unfollowed. Shit dude. You fucking told me to unfollow you. Other people who belong in this group are “If you’re not a fan of then we just can’t be friends. Really? Fuck you and your shitty taste in music or TV shows or whatever.

- Why when someone is elected to office, they get to keep the title of that office for life, even if they eventually get ousted through election or have to resign in shame. Seriously, there are people wandering around this country who were mayor of a Redneckville or some other town for one term back in the 70’s who still get called “Mayor McWhatshisname,’ or congress or governor and most certainly Senator and even President.

You know, this is America. We don’t have royalty. You don’t get some title that tells everyone you have some superior social status and then keep it for life. If  you have to resign in disgrace … I’m looking at you Newt Gingrich … then there’s no reason we should be expected to refer to you as “Speaker” or any other title you once held.

Same goes for people who quit their office half-way through their term to go off and make money off of rubes and try to be celebrities. Right MIZZZZZZZZZZ Palin? Fuck if I’m gonna call HER “Governor.”

- Why Google is killing off Google Reader. I don’t want to hear about “declining use” because I think that’s bullshit. Yes, it’s true that Reader was and is probably impossible to monetize and doesn’t make them money. But, companies offer lots of products that aren’t profitable as “loss leaders” to keep customers loyal all the time.

Reader should be the same thing. Something that Google supports and keeps as thank you to all the millions and millions of people who are their loyal users and use Google Reader as their primary way of surfing the internet from Blogs to news to sports to hundreds of other sites they like to keep up with every day.

Killing off Google Reader is the ultimate “Fuck You” to people from Google.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Matt Said...Jay Said XXXIII

Jay loquitur….Matt loquitur.  You…audire.

Jayman:  Hellooooooooo, is the lady of the hou---?
Matt-Man:  Man, this sucks.
Jayman:  What does?  That I called?  You told me to call you...you passive-aggressive little man, you.
Matt-Man:  No, no, no...that we have to do our show prepination on Friday nights now.

Jayman:  Well…If Drive-By Mikey would stop changing your hours and you wouldn’t take your kid out to breakfast, all would be on schedule.
Matt-Man:  Well…I have no choice when it comes to Mike, but my kid needs me.
Jayman:  You are the last thing Ryno needs.
Matt-Man:  Huh…That’s exactly what his mom says.

Jayman:  So Sunday’s show…The big Easter Extravaganza!!  Woo Hoo!!
Matt-Man:  Gonna be huge…What should we talk about?
Jayman:  Oh I don’t know…Easter stuff.
Matt-Man:  See?  That’s why you are a marketing genius.
Jayman:  Oh hush.  I don’t take compliments well.
Matt-Man:  Are you blushing?
Jayman:  Oh Hell no…I encourage compliments. I probably don’t get as many as I deserve.

Matt-Man:  We can talk about Easter memories from our childhoods.
Jayman:  That’s always a crowd pleaser.  We could also talk about the significance of Easter itself.
Matt-Man:  Exactly…We like to have fun, but be historically accurate and informational as well.
Jayman:  Right…and that is why we should shine the light on those who we deem to be God-Awful Christians.
Matt-Man;  Damn right…Some people take God’s name in vain, just by waking up in the morning.
Jayman:  Exactly…There are some alleged “Christians” who should simply be shot.  Just sayin’.
Matt-Man:  Word.

Jayman:  Sounds like a great show…Jay, Matt, and Jesus.  What the Hell could be better?
Matt-Man:  Damn right…Oh, and we could talk about what we are having for our Easter feasts.

Jayman:  Well, you’re pretty much having any dough like substance that doesn’t move, aren’t ya?
Matt-Man:  Oh yeahhhhhh, but that does NOT include Newt Gingrich…and you?
Jayman:  I’m keeping that under wraps until the show, baby.
Matt-Man:  Once again with the clever marketing, you stud, you.

Jayman:  Well, I guess we’re set.
Matt-Man:  I guess we are.
Jayman:  Okay then…
Matt-Man:  Alright…
Jayman:  Hang up now.
Matt-Man:  No, you hang up first.
Jayman:  Let’s hang up together
Matt-Man:  Okay
Jayman:  One…
Matt-Man: Two…
Schmoop (from the Bagwine dining room table):  Hang the damn phones up you insufferable Marys!!
Jayman and Matt-Man:  Hee...“click”

So guys and gals, join Jayman and Matt-Man tomorrow, Easter Sunday on I’m With Stupid as they break down all things resurrection related on their big Easter Extravaganza.

That’s tomorrow, Easter Sunday, live at 12 Noon ET on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

Oh…Need a link to the live show?  It’s in your Easter basket right…HERE!!

Cheers!!

Newt Gingrich's Future in the Romney Administration

Holaaaaaa! Well, our good friend and I’m With Stupid listener and reader, Newt Gingrich has once again showed us all what an unconventional candidate for president he is. He is now charging $50 for people who want their picture taken with him. You know, strippers usually only charge $25. Well, unless they’re a “feature” or porn star. Even then they usually let you grab their boobs or they grab your junk to make it fun and worth it.

Not only is Newt doing that, but he’s hinting that he might be ready to get out of the race. There’s only one catch though. He will only get out if he was offered the right position in the Romney administration. Only Newt Gingrich could finish Dead Fucking Last, be millions in debt in his campaign and then put special conditions on his getting out of the race.

So, I thought I would list a few jobs that Newt could possibly be offered:

White House Greeter: Mitt isn’t very good at dealing with regular people, but Newt is great at it! Newt is just your average every day guy and was born to be a greeter. He could put on a comfy track suit and maybe a red or blue vest with a nametag that says “Newtie” on it and greet people on behalf of the White House. Also, kids love him and will love it when he puts a little smiley sticker on their cheeks.

Valet and Car Elevator Operator: When Romney isn’t on the road campaigning and at the White House presidentin’, Newt could work as the Valet at the Romney’s La Jolla, CA mansion that is being built. Hell, the Romney’s have a big enough family that even when they aren’t entertaining big shots, they’ll need a valet. And, of course they’ll need someone to run the CAR ELEVATOR that is being installed at the new home.

Romney Administration Historian: We all know that Newt is a historian who has been paid big money to give advice to companies like Fannie Mae on historical events and stuff. So, this is basically right up his alley. Hell, they could probably even find him an office in the basement of the White House to use. He could sit down there and offer a daily recorded history of the happenings of the Romney administration. Since Newt has no problem just making shit up, you can be sure it would all be really positive, but someone will have to review his work as he tends to get a little self-aggrandizing at times.

White House Enemy Insulter and Race-Baiter: Mitt is uncomfortable being mean to people. He prefers to keep a pleasant attitude about things and be the polite gentleman that he is. Newt on the other hand doesn’t have a lot of social skills and generally just says whatever is on his mind. So, whenever President Romney is angry with someone, he could just send Newt out to belittle them and infer that the person in question is of questionable heritage and limited intellectual capabilities. And, to keep the republican base stirred up, Mitt can send Newt out to go after blacks and Hispanics with thinly veiled racists attacks. This allows Mitt to keep his image as a thoughtful and considerate man, while keeping things stirred up.

Ambassador to the Vatican: Hey, you guys let him convert, he’s yours now.

So, as you can see, there are several ways that Newt could be of use to Willard. If Willard is the brilliant tactician and businessman he always claims to be, he should make an offer to Newt and start taking advantage of Newt’s unique skillset immediately.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Sometimes, Being Loud Is Golden

Welcome to the last day of January chuckleheads.

I hope that you realize that 1/12th of another year has passed, and more importantly, I hope that you have given the forgone 8.25% of 2012, a robust 110% of your effort.

I know that we here at I’m With Stupid, have done just that.  In fact…

While our radio show has been airing for well over a year, Jayman and I have been doing the I’m With Stupid website for less than a year, since late June of 2011 to be precise, and what wonderful accomplishments have we packed into these several months which include the aforementioned 1/12th of 2012?

Well…while nothing monumental or civilization changing, there are more than a few notable items of accomplishment which to, um….note.

In addition to trying to be funny both on the air and on this site, Jayman and I like to set the record straight about our society, as he or I see it.

Sometimes, that means, going after “the establishment”.  And when I say establishment, I don’t merely mean the government.  I mean corporations, private organizations, and yes, sometime individuals as well.

Jayman and I have done that several times over the preceding months, and let me tell you, and let it be a lesson to you…

Speaking out on a public forum such as this site, or our radio show, is not only cathartic, it can and does bring results.

As a united front, Jay and IWS have helped a hot babe slam Google over its puritanical censorship, and they finally acquiesced, and her allowed to post a Karaoke video of HERSELF.

After an outcry brought upon by Jayman and IWS, re-runs of Oprah at 11 PM on Ozarks CW are a thing of the past, and M*A*S*H episodes have been brought back.

Through threat of a boycott, and public, quasi-humiliation brought on by IWS, Time-Warner fixed the internet connection here in the Bagwine digs, by replacing outdated cables.

We called the Gingrich comeback long before paid TV pundits, as well as the Herman Cain endorsement of, "We the People."

Yet...

Because of our satire, rapier wits, and outcries for public justice, we have also been blocked on social media venues such as Twitter, by the likes of Joe Scarborough, Neal Boortz, and, of course Esquire’s own, Scott Raab, among others.

Yes, the pendulum of justice swings both ways when voicing one’s opinions, however, the fact of the matter is…

When one allows their voice to roar through the garble of everyday hyperbole and white noise of life on a platform like IWS whose numbers are pretty damn good by the way, you get a reaction.

It may be positive.  It may be negative, but the most important thing is…you are heard.

Take for instance, the following…

A couple of months ago, IWS published an article about how insufferable Ohio State football fans are.
We were lauded and our article picked up by, and shouted out by, one of the biggest talk radio stations in the country, 700 WLW.

That is the good side of the pendulum.  Now, fast forward to this 1/12th of 2012.  Just recently I wrote an article about how God-Awful, I thought morning guy Doc Thompson of 700 WLW is…er…was…er…whatever.

Many a Clear Channel big wig read said article and yesterday?  It was announced that Doc Thompson had been fired.  During his honeymoon no less.  While we delight in Doc’s passing from the air waves of WLW, we regret the unseemlyness of the timing.  Ouch!!

On the upside of the pendulum…

Our guy…er…potato man, Spuds Tuberosum, recently exalted the deliciousness of the potato and scoured in outrage over the failed attempts by the Obama Administration to remove it from the school lunch menus.

What did we get in return?

A very nice email from Marie Joanis who works for the National Potato Council, and no, I’m not kidding.  It was very nice of her and her organization to follow up with us.  We appreciate that immensely.

Anyhoo, and I guess what my limited learnin’ is trying to say, is…

Words do have power.  When you sift through all the hyperbole, satire, offensiveness, and sometimes profanity of the words that appear here on I’m With Stupid, there is common sense, and evidently, some people listen to that, see through that, and do the right thing, based upon that.

When you out bad things publicly, or laud good thing publicly, things happen…and we would like you to join us.

We are happy that you read and/or listen to our radio show, but help our voices be even louder by writing a blog post for IWS or chiming in on the radio show.  It’s that easy, and we welcome your voices.

For IWS, and on behalf of Jayman unless he doesn’t like this post, I bid you…let it out, let it go, and bring it here...to IWS.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

State of the Union Address 2012: Why Bother?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States…

And the joint Congress and American public go, “Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

Sad.

But the sadness…disinterest…malaise…or just plain, “What the fuck ever”, feeling is not without an understandable reason.

Tonight, during the State of the Union Address President Obama will say in some form or fashion as all President’s before him have said…

“The State of the Union is strong.”

Well, in my opinion, the State of the Union is far from strong, in fact, it sucks. And, I’m not talking about our economy, or our stature in the eyes of the world. I’m talking about us.

I’m talking about us as a nation of people who over the years have defeated an empire, have come together like none other, and now, after nearly 236 years of this great nation’s existence…

We argue over whether a woman has private and personal control over her own body, if a spouse has the right to let his spouse die in a dignified way, or if we should attack a country such as Iran whose military prowess is along the lines of the paper tiger that was Hussein’s Iraq.

Our nation has so many problems…from our debt, to reliance on foreign oil, to unemployment, to trying to find our markets and international place in the 21st Century.

And yet, when looking for a President and leader in our 2012 election cycle, what do many Americans look toward to guide their choice?

American History? The Constitution? Or perhaps, Common Sense? Noooooooo…

Many Americans find their safe harbors via the lighthouse of the media beacons that are MSNBC, FOX News, and some whacked out manchicks named Rachel Maddow and/or Sean Hannity among others.

Unfortunately, they seem to be the catalytic minority, and…they are what fuel the misfiring engine that is the do nothing government that we seem to have these days. Politicians want one thing, and that one thing is not to help America, it is to get reelected.

And in order to secure that end game, legislators agree with tiny minded folks, and no matter what, feed the electorate with what they want to hear in order to accomplish their unending, monetarily satisfying tenure within the once great halls of Congress.

Seriously, Mr. and/or Mrs. American Voter…you suck.

Choosing a President, taking the ten minutes it takes to vote, and actually researching who and why you want to vote for him or her has become such a chore. Because? Thinking takes time.

Millions of Americans listen to Limbaugh, Hannity, Maddow, and Olbermann because they would rather not think for themselves. They are too busy ordering pizza , texting a friend about how their spouse hates them, or playing Farmville on Facebook as they experience the virtual birth of a calf…

Gimme a break. It’s because of the laziness of the American voter that we in 2012, are left with a field of Presidential candidates of Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Paul, and Obama.

In 1800 and 1804, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson went head to head in the Presidential election, and in 2012..?

We will have either Romney or Gingrich up against Obama.

Adams and Jefferson debated over the future course this country would take in order to make our then nascent nation more successful, and 200 and some years later?

No matter who the GOP picks to represent their party, the General Election debate will center on not who will make this country greater, but rather who will make this nation less than it already has become.

Ironically, it is our forefathers who set us upon this path with the birth of herd mentality political parties. However...

While they saw political parties merely as schools of thought, Americans today see them as political Cliff Notes, and comfortable, totalitarian schools of non-thought.

Americans today don’t have time to read the entire virtual biography that a candidate may put forth; they merely want to gaze, and listen to it briefly upon 24/7 cable news, and then like Pavlov’s dogs, obediently nod their heads, and wag their tails to what they know, and agree…or bark at the screen when they don’t.

After all, thinking takes time, and there are X-Box games to be played, spouses to cheat upon, and other who are unlike you and I to mock.

I wonder about our country, and when I do , I wonder about Ben Franklin.

He drank…He loooved the ladies…He smoked…He, like an idiot, stood out in the lightning…He hung out with pigeons as he trained them, and today?

Because of all of that, he couldn’t get elected as a City Commissioner of Bagwine, Ohio.

Americans today do not like thinkers…they do not like great people…Americans like a world that is homogenous…that thinks as they do…that is uncomplicated.

And that is exactly why America, the former bastion of innovation and great ideas, is becoming second-rate as a nation, and a nation whose State of the Union is not strong.

Matt-Man

Email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws


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Letters to Santa

With the latest of 8,000 GOP Presidential debates scheduled to air on FOX News at 9 PM tonight, the IWS news team has uncovered information more revealing of the candidates than any answers they could give to questions asked by Megyn Kelly such as…

“What is the capital of Solyndra?”

“Are corporations people too?”

Or…

“May I run my fingers through your hair?”

Yes folks, put their stances on foreign policy, economic recovery, and bestiality aside; thanks to our operative working within the United States Postal Service, we now reveal the candidates’ true personalities from their letters to Santa Claus…

Dear Santa:

I have been a darn (pardon my expletive) good boy this year. I have, much like you do, made thousands of people feel good about themselves by telling them what they want to hear, and promising them what they want. However, unlike you, I cannot deliver a thing.

I hope this Christmas you can bring my words to fruition. I want you to give gay people every right we normal people have while revealing to them the emotional and financial horrors of a bad marriage. I want you to enact strict guns control laws while holding true to the tenets of the NRA. I want you to read the minds of souls of women and spontaneously and unknowingly vaporize the zygotes inside those women who really don’t want a child so that abortion becomes a non-issue.

Thank you and I think that red suit is very becoming on you. Unless, of course you don’t want me to think that.

Yours in the tepee of the Nephites,

Mitt

Dear Santa:

I would like you to protect every adorable fetus conceived through thick and thin, rape and incest, drug induced bunga bunga parties, and schoolyard dares.

I would also like a soft-serve ice cream machine.

Merry Christmas to you and the Mrs.,

Rick Santorum

Dear Santa:

When I think of you, I think of that time many years ago when on your sleigh, you secretly carpet bombed the Cambodians into submission and helped our Jewish friends to secure the upper peninsula of my beloved Minnesota.

I figure that since you have that kind of power, you could quickly, yet sweetly and peacefully, kill off my husband Marcus, and introduce me to a marriage-worthy man who isn’t gay.

I love you and so does Jesus,

Michele

Dear Santa:

Just like me you are a round, homely looking old man, and yet, the ladies dig you and without even spending a dime, you no doubt get a helluva lot more high class trim than even I. My Christmas wish is simple.

I want your secret. My current wife is getting on my nerves and frankly, and I can’t keep this “genius” façade up forever, so I’m going to need something other than a line of credit at Tiffany’s in order to bag a few more hot chicks before I die.

Beware of the Electro Magnetic Pulses while flying around,

Newt

Dear Santa:

As I tell you every four years or so, I don’t want a goddamn thing from you. You are not the solution to our problems; you are the problem. And…if you have an “in” with the Almighty? Tell him that streets paved with gold are yet another example of the obscene waste of tithings by those in power.

Go to Hell,

Ron Paul

Dear Santa:

I want three things from ya this year. An endless supply of pain meds and a new pair of boots.

Thank Ya,

Rick Perry

And there you have it folks…Another Pulitzer Award winning expose brought to you courtesy of the IWS newshounds.

And…I think the most important thing we have learned from this scoop is, that just like corporations, GOP Presidential candidates are people too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws