CNN Brings Back Crossfire!

Hola and welcome political junkies to CNN’s new/old show Crossfire! That’s right, CNN has brought back one of its greatest political shows with all new hosts and they promise lots of sparks! On the right we have Disgraced Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and sexy conservative S. E. Cupp, and on the left we have Van Jones and Stephanie Cutter. Below is a transcript of their first show…

Newt: Excuse me? First the “Hola” crap and then “disgraced?” You better watch yourself or you’ll be looking for a new job buddy!

S.E. Cupp: Whatever Newt.

Stephanie Cutter: *rolls eyes*

Van Jones: Lighten up Francis.

Newt: My name isn’t Francis.

S.E: I think it was a joke Newt.

Van: It was a reference to the movie “Stripes”

Stephanie: Yeah, you know? Bill Murray?

Newt: Lame pop culture references to lowbrow 70’s comedies will not be tolerated Van, even though that isn’t your REAL name.

Van: Is this how we’re gonna start things?

Newt: How did you get the name “Van?” Is it in reference to your being conceived in the back of a van during a “hey sailor if you’ve got the money, I’ve got the time” situation?  

S.E: Hey-OOOOOOO

Stephanie: SHOTS FIRED!

Newt: What? I’m unarmed!

Van: Well, you’re unarmed intellectually anyway.

Stephanie: *giggle*

S.E: Nice!

Newt: Okay, now that we have all the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get busy.

S.E: I love to get busy.

Stephanie: Me too!

Van and Newt: That’s hot!

Newt: Okay, DOMA and Prop 8 rulings. Obviously, a disaster. The Supreme Court is on its way to morally bankrupting this country.

Stephanie: I really don’t think so. It’s all about basic human rights and human dignity.

S.E: I’m gonna have to agree with Stephanie on this one Newt.

Newt: Of course you will. You probably wanna do her.

S. E: What?

Newt: Well, with a rack like yours, I’m sure lesbians hit on you all the time.

Stephanie: I know I would if I were a lesbian.

S.E: This is highly inappropriate and won’t tolerate it. Back me up here Van.

Van: It is inappropriate, but also relevant to my interests, ifyouknowwhatImean?

Newt: Anyway, gay marriage invalidates straight marriage. Straight marriage loses all real meaning when gays get married, right?

Stephanie: Nope

Van: I don’t think so Newtster.

S.E: Not really.

Newt: Well it ruined all of mine!

S.E: How so?

Newt: Every time gay marriage becomes an issue, one of my marriages falls apart.

Stephanie: I thought your cheating ruined your marriages?

Newt: Gay marriage is immoral, so just discussing it makes me do immoral things.

S.E: Really?

Van: Well, Callista must be as nervous as Paula Deen riding the express elevator with The Pips then!

Stephanie: Hey-OOOOOOOOO!

S.E: LOL! *Hi-5’s Van*

Newt: You know what? Let’s just call it a day for our first show and maybe CNN could find some people on my intellectual level?

Van: Great idea Newtie-Poo. My car is out front, who wants to go get a drink?

S.E: I’m in!

Stephanie: Shotgun!

Newt: *sniff, sniff*

Van: Aww … It’s okay Newt. You can come too!

Newt: Really? Gee thanks!!!

Van: Just try not to be an asshole.

Newt: That’s kind of hurtful but okay. Hey! Can we pretend you’re my chauffeur?

Van: Don’t push it.

Newt: Okay.

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Stupid People Rule!!

If you are one of those freaks who lives vicariously through felons and follows trials on TV, you know that this past week, one of George Zimmerman’s defense attorney’s, Don West, opened his defense argument with the following:

Know Knock?
Who’s there?
George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman, who?
You’re on the jury.

And then, later this past week Don West’s daughter Molly, posted a picture of Esquire Don and his other daughter, the slightly more than mildly hot Rachel West, on the internets. The trio seemed to certainly be enjoying the sucking and licking of their ice cream cones of stupidity.

What does all of this tell us?

Something we already knew, yet are constantly reminded of on a daily basis…

People are stupid!!

I know, I know…many of us knew that.  Many of us know that even we are on occasion, kinda stupid, but here’s the thing…I’m talking about folks who are in government…or a position of power…or a person who addresses the masses through the media.

Don’t you think Attorney West could have told his daughter, or better yet, she on her own, would have the aforethought to not post a picture like that on the internet during the opening of the trial?

The West family refers to this Friday ice cream eating tradition as, the ice cream cone of stupidity, and well…they nailed that one.

Stupid, just plain stupid coming from the family of an attorney trying the biggest trial going to day, and then?

We have Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX)…who upon hearing that the Supreme Court struck down DOMA immediately invoked the word of GAWD Almighty throug the teachings of Solomon…

"I think polygamy is wrong, bigamy is wrong, and it's a crime in many places -- but how will that be justifiable now that the court has removed this [DOMA]?  There's some [who] believe polygamy is a way to go….You know, King Solomon, many -- including me -- believe was the wisest man who ever lived…Of course, then he had too many wives, and that [will] always mess up anybody's wisdom."

Loony Louie while attempting to let the words of God pass through his lips, managed to insult and belittle Jewish Mormons and tie gay marriage to the evils of polygamy that were the downfall of King Solomon and Brigham Young.

And then, and THEN!!  Last week, Paula Deen, in efforts to keep hold of her vast, yet quickly crumbling media empire, was stupid enough to think that common folk were stupid enough to buy her non-tearful, Jimmy Swaggart-type mea culpa on the TODAY Show.

But…there was a big difference between Swaggart’s apology and that of Paula Deen’s.  Jimmy admitted that he sinned, and Paula?  She just wants those of us who are without sin to hit her in the head with a rock.  And let me tell ya, if I was without sin, I would find the biggest boulder in the world and crush her cranium until it was nothing but…butter.

Poor, clueless, and stupid Paula Deen, she is still living in the 60’s…the 1860’s.

People of financial worth, positions of governmental power, and litigational libido, prove every day that they too can be as stupid as the rest of us peons.

And really?  We don’t need that.  We need people to look up to.  We need people who give us something to shoot for.  We need heroes.

Sadly, as we approach yet another Independence Day, our forefathers, builders of American capitalism, and rebellious scalawags seem more and more impressive, because well…

Our “leaders” of today both public and private, are nothing more than self-involved, self-serving idiots, and to be truthful, so is a sizable cross-section of the American public.

Of course…a few folks who are not idiots did a radio show yesterday.  Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio gang celebrated American Independence yesterday.  They celebrated the greatness of leaders past, and did so, with the hottest and most articulate lesbian in the world, Angie!!

Angie was as always, awesome, as were Kirk Douglas, Buddy Acapella, Bobby Kraft, and Paul Piatt.  If you missed the hilarity LIVE, you can listen to it right here:

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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