CNN Brings Back Crossfire!

Hola and welcome political junkies to CNN’s new/old show Crossfire! That’s right, CNN has brought back one of its greatest political shows with all new hosts and they promise lots of sparks! On the right we have Disgraced Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and sexy conservative S. E. Cupp, and on the left we have Van Jones and Stephanie Cutter. Below is a transcript of their first show…

Newt: Excuse me? First the “Hola” crap and then “disgraced?” You better watch yourself or you’ll be looking for a new job buddy!

S.E. Cupp: Whatever Newt.

Stephanie Cutter: *rolls eyes*

Van Jones: Lighten up Francis.

Newt: My name isn’t Francis.

S.E: I think it was a joke Newt.

Van: It was a reference to the movie “Stripes”

Stephanie: Yeah, you know? Bill Murray?

Newt: Lame pop culture references to lowbrow 70’s comedies will not be tolerated Van, even though that isn’t your REAL name.

Van: Is this how we’re gonna start things?

Newt: How did you get the name “Van?” Is it in reference to your being conceived in the back of a van during a “hey sailor if you’ve got the money, I’ve got the time” situation?  

S.E: Hey-OOOOOOO

Stephanie: SHOTS FIRED!

Newt: What? I’m unarmed!

Van: Well, you’re unarmed intellectually anyway.

Stephanie: *giggle*

S.E: Nice!

Newt: Okay, now that we have all the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get busy.

S.E: I love to get busy.

Stephanie: Me too!

Van and Newt: That’s hot!

Newt: Okay, DOMA and Prop 8 rulings. Obviously, a disaster. The Supreme Court is on its way to morally bankrupting this country.

Stephanie: I really don’t think so. It’s all about basic human rights and human dignity.

S.E: I’m gonna have to agree with Stephanie on this one Newt.

Newt: Of course you will. You probably wanna do her.

S. E: What?

Newt: Well, with a rack like yours, I’m sure lesbians hit on you all the time.

Stephanie: I know I would if I were a lesbian.

S.E: This is highly inappropriate and won’t tolerate it. Back me up here Van.

Van: It is inappropriate, but also relevant to my interests, ifyouknowwhatImean?

Newt: Anyway, gay marriage invalidates straight marriage. Straight marriage loses all real meaning when gays get married, right?

Stephanie: Nope

Van: I don’t think so Newtster.

S.E: Not really.

Newt: Well it ruined all of mine!

S.E: How so?

Newt: Every time gay marriage becomes an issue, one of my marriages falls apart.

Stephanie: I thought your cheating ruined your marriages?

Newt: Gay marriage is immoral, so just discussing it makes me do immoral things.

S.E: Really?

Van: Well, Callista must be as nervous as Paula Deen riding the express elevator with The Pips then!

Stephanie: Hey-OOOOOOOOO!

S.E: LOL! *Hi-5’s Van*

Newt: You know what? Let’s just call it a day for our first show and maybe CNN could find some people on my intellectual level?

Van: Great idea Newtie-Poo. My car is out front, who wants to go get a drink?

S.E: I’m in!

Stephanie: Shotgun!

Newt: *sniff, sniff*

Van: Aww … It’s okay Newt. You can come too!

Newt: Really? Gee thanks!!!

Van: Just try not to be an asshole.

Newt: That’s kind of hurtful but okay. Hey! Can we pretend you’re my chauffeur?

Van: Don’t push it.

Newt: Okay.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

There's Weird Shit Going On Around Here

Hola y’all! Sometimes, I’m not the most observant guy. I mean, my next door neighbor shot himself last fall and I totally missed it. Didn’t hear or notice a thing. Well, until I looked outside and saw six city cops, the chief of police and a dude in a green jacket that said “Coroner” on it.

But, there are other things that I do notice. Usually I notice things that don’t really matter, but seem odd. And things around town or here at the palatial estates that just freaking drive me crazy.

One of these things is a neighbor’s Mitsubishi Montero and its flat tire. It’s not abnormal to see cars with flat tires in our parking lot. There are nails, screws, glass and other items all over the place and the lot is never swept or cleaned. What’s odd about this one is the guy who owns the Montero is driving it on that flat tire.

Every day for a week I would go out there in the morning and I was see that Montero parked in a different spot. Yet, it still had that flat tire! WTH dude? Do you think he didn’t notice it? Then on Sunday I noticed that the tire was no longer flat and I felt much better about things.

Well, I did until Tuesday. That’s when I noticed that once again, that tire was about halfway down. And, take a wild guess what happened today? You got it. I noticed the tire was flat again AND it was parked in a different spot! Come on!

It would only cost like $7 to fix the flat dude. Hell, I’ll help take up a collection if you need me to. You’re lucky thing hasn’t shredded yet. Actually, why hasn’t it? I guarantee you mine would have. Totally unfair.

But that isn’t the only thing I keep seeing in the parking lot that bugs me. I have another neighbor who I think is running some kind of social experiment. He has a truck with a camper on it, but the camper and tailgate are both open. The truck has only been moved once in the last three weeks.

Sitting right there in the truck bed is an open case of Ozarka bottled water and a bucket full of lunch sized bags of Doritos. I’m pretty sure my neighbor is just seeing how long it will take before someone steals a bottle of water or a bag of chips or both.

And when it finally happens he’ll probably yell “I KNEW IT! PEOPLE CAN’T BE TRUSTED!”

Actually, I thought about stealing one myself just to see if that’s what he was really doing. But, I’m afraid the truck is booby trapped. It would be just my luck to grab a bottle of water and have the gate and camper close on me and trap me with my legs hanging out of the back until the owner hit the little button on his remote to release me. Hell, he probably sits by his window watching and waiting. Well, I’m not gonna fall for it buddy!

Of course, I could just ask him, but that wouldn’t be any fun at all.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

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Also, today on I’m With Stupid Podcast we talked about mean girls, Prop 8, Susan B Komen, Rick Santorum and all kinds of other stuff. We just kind of meandered along through the show like a river of awesomeness. You should totally check it out as we would be most appreciative! 

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