They're Coming After Our Happiness

Hola Happy People! It’s March Madness time again! Oh yeah baby! Hours and hours of college basketball started yesterday and will continue for three weeks. Or is it four. Hell, it might be five, I don’t know.

What I do know is that this means we will be inundated with stories about how much the NCAA Tournament costs companies in lost productivity. Every year it’s the same. And every year it’s pretty much bullshit. If you listen to these people you’d think that the average American worker just screws his employer over on a daily basis. According to articles written in publications and discussed on cable news channels owned by HUGE corporations, Americans are so fucking underworked and overpaid it’s just ridiculous.

Along with that, we’ll also get all kinds of stories of police departments all over the country raiding people’s homes and arresting them for running a NCAA Tourney Pool. And then they’ll act like they busted the fucking Corleone family and shut down the gambling rackets.

God forbid you should have a little fucking enjoyment out of life. If you put five bucks into a tournament pool and pick the games with hopes of winning the astronomical sum of ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS, then we’ll bring the entire weight of our armed police forces down on you. Then prosecute you using our army of publicity (and higher office) seeking prosecutors with nearly unlimited resources.

Politicians love to talk about “liberties” being under assault. And while that’s true there’s something else that is under a full frontal assault in this country:

Our Happiness.

More than anything else it’s the things that make us happy, or give us pleasure, that politicians and do-gooder groups are going after. People like Rick Santorum and his promise to have the government go after pornography, Mika Brzezinski and Michael Bloomberg’s Food Police and other groups on the left who go after smokers, and on the right who go after drinking and gambling are trampling on your pursuit of happiness. They’re so afraid that you might be getting a little pleasure out of life and they’re bound and determined to stop it.

There are still others who think you might be getting too much enjoyment out of the internet and would like to heavily regulate it. Some people think you shouldn’t be allowed to watch certain TV shows even on premium channels. Hell, some groups don’t even want you to see certain comic strips because they’re dealing with subjects THEY are uncomfortable with.

These people won’t be happy until we’re all completely miserable. Oh, and until they have full control over every aspect of our lives. I swear, they make me want to light up a cigarette (or a doobie), open a bottle of Wild Irish Rose and watch a dirty movie on my computer while also watching Good Christian Bitches on TV and munching down on a HUGE all meat pizza all while placing a bet on a basketball game with my bookie and getting a hummer from a prostitute.

Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme and “all things in moderation” and some of those things are illegal, but who fucking cares! More than anything else we should be sure not to let these politicians and do-gooders take away our happiness while claiming to be “protecting our liberties”. And, most importantly, we shouldn’t let them doing it in the name of "morality"

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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Speaking of being happy and we were, Sunday on I’m With Stupid Matt-Man and I brought the happy on “The Feel Good Show!” We talked about people place and things that make us happy. We talked about making other people happy and how that makes us happy. And we even talked about how just seeing our friends happy actually makes us happy.

Try as we might, we couldn’t get anyone to call in and be happy with us, which was a little sad, but we’re professionals so we kept up the feel good attitude all the way through. And, of course we made EVERYONE happy by having another Pee Break with Schmoop segment.

So, help spread the happy by listening early and often. As always, we appreciate your listening.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Eliminating People Would Make Life Easier

Hola! Welp, it was 85 degrees here today. I know that it snowed once back in January and that proves there’s no climate change or global warming or anything like that, but this is a bit extreme. In fact, it’s so warm that I had to crank up the air conditioner at the palatial estates. Unfortunately, this means that I have to make my annual trip up to the office Thursday morning.

As always, I’ll have to ask for a maintenance work order, get an eye roll from the girl working in there, and then fill it out explaining that my a/c is blowing warm air. It is out of coolant, I’m sure. This isn’t really a big deal, but why I fill out the maintenance request online? I just hate places that won’t join the 21^st Century and make me deal with other people.

Life is full of all kinds of little annoyances. In addition to the a/c in my apt needing coolant, the a/c in my car will need some soon too. It has a leak, so it needs coolant three or four times a year. Worse than that, it needs an oil change too. GOD I hate doing that.

Oh sure, all I do is drive up to Super Spiffy Fast Lube place or Walmart and have them do the dirty work, but again, it’s a hassle. First they ask me like a million questions and give me a half million options. Then, I feel like they’re judging me when I just get a basic, everyday oil change. They look at me and shake their head like “Man, I guess you don’t love your car.”

Wouldn’t be great if we could do these little things without any hassle at all? And by “hassle” I mean “dealing with people.” It would be so cool to just go online and let the Rapid Fire Quickie Lube know that my car needed an oil change. Then they would send Bubba out here who would put the car up on some jacks and change the oil and filter and add coolant without me having to do anything at all. They could then just charge my credit card. No dealing with people necessary.

I realize this is the ultimate First World Problem, but it would certainly make my life less stressful. We can already do this when we order pizza. Sure, I have to open the door for the delivery guy. And, they always want to know if I’m having a good night and blah blah blah. Small talk bores me. But, at least I can just sign the slip and tell the guy to “take it easy” and close the door.

There are some areas where people can buy their groceries that way. Oh man wouldn’t that be cool? I wonder if they would design their website so that every once in a while an image of a little old man popped up while the site buffered before loading the virtual produce isle. That way I could get the real life feel of shopping without actually having an old person in front standing in front of me blocking the canned vegetables. That would be a pretty funny feature.

Again, I would have to deal with the delivery person. And, that delivery person would probably judge me by what I bought just like the clerk at Walmart does. I swear, they always look at me like I’m some kind of freak when they scan my Great Value Swiss Rolls Snack Cakes. I know they’re not a real food product, but they’re sooooo yummy!

Well, I guess this not having to deal with people utopia will never be fully realized. At least not until I win the lottery and can afford to be a total recluse like Howard Hughes was. So, I’ll still have to get up and go deal with miss Eye Roll in the morning. But, I’ll get a small measure of revenge against her for her attitude. I won’t shower before I go up there.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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In other news, on Wed Matt-Man and I broke down the Mississippi and Alabama primaries and talked about how wonderful the south is on IWS. You won’t get expert analysis like this anywhere else folks.

We also unveiled our new segment “Molotov Mocktails!” Surprisingly enough, it turned out pretty damn funny. So, check it out!  

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

This Little Light of Mine, I'm Going to Let It Shine

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.”
--Arnold Bennett

Yesterday, March 6th, 2012 is a date that will live in both joy and infamy.

You see…I became a Republican yesterday.

A true blue, dyed in the sweater vest, Sean Hannity cocksuckin’ GOPer for at least two years.

And what did my transformation bring me?  That’s right…

Heartache.

I was answering a call from God and his only begotten Son by registering as a Rick Santorum voting Republican, but alas…

While the Matt-Man effect helped to carry Clark County for Santorum, Rick fell short in other areas of my great state.

Sad.

Santorum lost Ohio because voters in the Cleveland and Cincinnati areas who evidently relate best to CEO’s who ship job overseas and to states down south, voted by 18-20 percentage points in favor of Mitt “Shuddup and Eat Your Shit Sandwich, You Loser” Romney.

My heart grew heavy as the late night results poured in, and I realized that The Great Santorum would lose my home state of Ohio, however…

There was a distant beacon of light…a modicum of hope, and a nascent feeling of rebirth bouncing around upon the taint of my soul…While I had voted in a losing effort for Santorum, on the upside, I had become…

A Republican!!

And let me tell you my friends, being a registered Republican is not something I take lightly.  I will make the necessary changes.

First of all…

My girlfriend, Schmoop? She’s no longer my girlfriend, because her and I living in sin, is a GOP no-no. Schmoop is now, and as long as I am a Republican, will be forever known as…

Lupe, The Laundry Lady!!

As Schmoop can’t pass for a black woman and Mexicans are the new sub-minimum wage domestics, I will call her my laundry lady, Lupe.

Let’s hope that in between the wash and rinse cycles that the condom doesn’t break.  I’d hate to end up with a Strom Thurmond moment on my hands.

Another change…

Yesterday after voting, I was listening to Sean Hannity on the radio as I always do, however this time?  I didn’t laugh.

It was hard, but every time I felt a big ol’ chuckle comin’ on, I thought of President Reagan lying in his casket as right thinking patriots stood around his stiff body, and in vain, while weeping amber waves of tears, attempted to resurrect him.

It was with that in mind, that my sadness over the Santorum loss changed to a winsome smile, and I was proud to now be able to walk hand in joyful hand with the likes of Norquist, Coulter, Gingrich, and Bachmann.

For the first time in my adult life…I was at peace, and more importantly…

I was an American, and my friends, a member of the Republican party and an American I shall remain.

This shedding of my liberal skin, the tossing off of my rose-colored, un-American sunglasses, and my lack of worry for those less fortunate than I during the holidays, makes life better…safer…less confusing.

In fact, becoming a Republican has turned me in to something I have always wanted to be…

A Norman Rockwell picture...

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

And don't forget kids...Jayman and I go live today at 11 AM ET on Blog Talk Radio, so give us a listen as we break down Super Tuesday and wish Jayman a Happy Birthday.  Just click us up HERE.

Rick Santorum 2012: Because Unlike Politicians, Matt-Man Keeps His Word

There has been a rumor circulating through the tubes of the internets of late, that I, Matt-Man, on March 6th am going to turn my political beliefs on their head by proudly going to my voting location in Ohio, declaring myself a Republican,  and unabashedly casting my vote for Rick Santorum.

Well, let me tell you something, my dear friends of IWS…

The rumor is true, and…I am the one who started it.

Oh sure…

Some people claim that I am being flip.  I am doing this as a joke.  A gag.

Just trying to be comical by making fun of our precious right to vote which was granted to us and is protected for us by the brave men and women who died for us in order to have that right and so we may continue to have that right.

Well my friends, I say to those nay saying idiots…

You’re damn right!!

You know why?

Because this Presidential Election cycle has become the political punchline of a joke that burgeoned exponentially during the second Bill Clinton term that goes like this:

“What do you do to your opponent during an election?  Lie, distort, lie again, and pander in order to gain and/or hold on to your seat.  Ha Ha Ha Ha!!”

While there has always been pandering and deep schisms amongst Republicans and Democrats, the seriousness of our elections has raced to the bottom since ‘96, and today has reached the nadir of profundity, thought, and intellectual curiosity.

Now don’t get me wrong…I know that there have been, and always will be, bitter and ugly political campaigns, and frankly, I dig those, however…

In a bygone era, candidates from the two major parties vied for your vote in order to have a seat at the legislative table in order to pass a bill or two in which he or she believed.  Now?

Candidates from the two major parties legislate and campaign in order to spend their entire lifetimes at the peoples’ legislative table, while putting his or her and more importantly, their constituents’ beliefs aside.

They will legislate by avoiding crucial votes, being innocuous and/or flexible in their positions, and of course…

They will go on the attack as often, as dirty, and as wrongly as they need, in order to hold on to that cash cow of a job that is the career of a U.S. Representative…or Senator…or President.

Y’know?  This essay was intended to be a funny treatise about all the things I would have to change about myself once I became a Republican, and voted for Rick Santorum.

You know, things like…shaving…going to church…publicly hating gay people all the while hiring them to lick envelopes and having sex with them, but…

I guess, the joke about voting for Santorum that I perpetrated, backfired on me, and simply made me mad.

But, I am still going to switch from being an Independent to a Republican next Tuesday, and vote for Santorum.

Because while it was a joke, unlike the losers and panderers who run our nation, I will actually do what I promised to do.

No deflection.  No, “I was going to but…”.  No talk about, “the landscape” changing.

I said that I would vote for Santorum, and vote for Santorum I shall.

And who knows…Once I am officially, legally, and publicly declared a Republican, I may swing an invite to one of our area’s finer restaurants, or at least, score free tickets to a Tractor Pull.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

E-Mail:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Rick Santorum 2012: He Needs a Condom on His Potty Mouth !!

I have to apologize to all the devoted readers and listeners of the IWS website and radio show, and…I have to apologize to the IWS Worldwide Media Group as well.

No expense was spared in sending yours truly to Mesa, AZ., in order to cover Wednesday night’s CNN GOP Presidential debate and interview Rick Santorum, and how did I return the favor and show pride in my job?

After prepping for my debate coverage all morning and compiling questions for Rick Santorum while listening to the white noise from the TV that was airing scrambled video of porn movies within the confines of my luxurious room at the Motel 6 Mesa North, I felt confined.  So…

Needing some fresh air, I walked down W. Hampton Ave., when I came across an interesting watering hole in the wall known merely as, “Manny’s.”

It was only 9:08 A.M., but being from the Eastern Time Zone, it was damn near eleven thirty, so I ducked in for a cold one, or as the clientele inside of Manny’s says, “Una Fria, por favor.”

After three Boilermakers (or as the crowd at Manny’s now calls them, Loco Gringos), each consisting of a 24 ounce Steel Reserve and four shots of Crown Royal, I felt the need to get away from the dim lighting, the dark skin, and the hemp filled air of Manny’s, and get some fresh air.

After all, It was 10:30 on a Mesa, Arizona morning prior to the debate, and I needed to get the word on the street by interviewing some real voters in order to gauge where they stood, electoral wise.

But first…

I had to go back into Manny’s, because I had forgotten to take a leak…

So, after peeing into a toilet that smelled of ancient Tenochtitlan and zipping up far too soon, I had one more Loco Gringo with my new found buddies on my way out, prior to initiating some, “man on the street” type journalism.

Let me tell ya…I interviewed a couple of dozen fine folks of Mesa, AZ., and forty five minutes later when I looked at my notes?  I couldn’t decipher, interpret, or otherwise figure out what the hell they had said to me, and what I had written.

I needed some food…and quickly.

As happenstance would have it, I had apparently been doing interviews some three blocks away from Manny’s in front of a Mom and Pop establishment known as, “Crazy Jose’s Pawn Shop and Taquiera.”

I ordered the Numero Siete…  A fish taco, a beef taco, and five Coronas.  Upon consumption, and after a bit of Montezuma’s Revenge, I felt alive again.

I began to ramble back to my motel room by retracing my drunken path, when a couple of guys outside of Manny’s stopped me, and began to give me the business.

They claimed I owed them money…said that the IWS Credit Card was no good.  Pfffffft.

After I screamed like a little school girl  kicked the shit out of the ruffians and the police showed up, the fine officers of the Mesa Police Department incarcerated their sorry asses, and took me to my motel.

It was 2:30 PM by then, and I had missed my interview time with Rick Santorum.  So, I took a nap until it was time to go to the debate.

I showed up, listened, yawned, and then excused myself to the restroom, where I evacuated what was left of the Numero Siete, and walked out back of the Mesa Arts Center.  I waited for Santorum to come out after the debate.

When he did, I broke through his entourage, shove my mic in his face, and asked…

“Why do you oppose hot, freaky sex outside of marriage on Biblical grounds when Lot dorked his daughters and King David was a raging homo?”

With a look of puzzlement that quickly turned to anger, he said to me…

“Fuck You!!”

And that my friends, is why in spite of my shortcomings, I should get a Pulitzer Prize. I managed to make Rick Santorum say a dirty word.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

There's Weird Shit Going On Around Here

Hola y’all! Sometimes, I’m not the most observant guy. I mean, my next door neighbor shot himself last fall and I totally missed it. Didn’t hear or notice a thing. Well, until I looked outside and saw six city cops, the chief of police and a dude in a green jacket that said “Coroner” on it.

But, there are other things that I do notice. Usually I notice things that don’t really matter, but seem odd. And things around town or here at the palatial estates that just freaking drive me crazy.

One of these things is a neighbor’s Mitsubishi Montero and its flat tire. It’s not abnormal to see cars with flat tires in our parking lot. There are nails, screws, glass and other items all over the place and the lot is never swept or cleaned. What’s odd about this one is the guy who owns the Montero is driving it on that flat tire.

Every day for a week I would go out there in the morning and I was see that Montero parked in a different spot. Yet, it still had that flat tire! WTH dude? Do you think he didn’t notice it? Then on Sunday I noticed that the tire was no longer flat and I felt much better about things.

Well, I did until Tuesday. That’s when I noticed that once again, that tire was about halfway down. And, take a wild guess what happened today? You got it. I noticed the tire was flat again AND it was parked in a different spot! Come on!

It would only cost like $7 to fix the flat dude. Hell, I’ll help take up a collection if you need me to. You’re lucky thing hasn’t shredded yet. Actually, why hasn’t it? I guarantee you mine would have. Totally unfair.

But that isn’t the only thing I keep seeing in the parking lot that bugs me. I have another neighbor who I think is running some kind of social experiment. He has a truck with a camper on it, but the camper and tailgate are both open. The truck has only been moved once in the last three weeks.

Sitting right there in the truck bed is an open case of Ozarka bottled water and a bucket full of lunch sized bags of Doritos. I’m pretty sure my neighbor is just seeing how long it will take before someone steals a bottle of water or a bag of chips or both.

And when it finally happens he’ll probably yell “I KNEW IT! PEOPLE CAN’T BE TRUSTED!”

Actually, I thought about stealing one myself just to see if that’s what he was really doing. But, I’m afraid the truck is booby trapped. It would be just my luck to grab a bottle of water and have the gate and camper close on me and trap me with my legs hanging out of the back until the owner hit the little button on his remote to release me. Hell, he probably sits by his window watching and waiting. Well, I’m not gonna fall for it buddy!

Of course, I could just ask him, but that wouldn’t be any fun at all.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

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Also, today on I’m With Stupid Podcast we talked about mean girls, Prop 8, Susan B Komen, Rick Santorum and all kinds of other stuff. We just kind of meandered along through the show like a river of awesomeness. You should totally check it out as we would be most appreciative! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Rick Santorum 2012: Does the Office Come with a Cool Hat Like The Pope Has?

“Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves.”
--Matthew 7:15

“A Conservative Government is an organized hypocrisy.”
--Benjamin Disraeli

It is often said, that when attacking a political opponent, the most effective words to use against him or her are their own.

As former Sen. Rick Santorum, after his virtual tie with Mitt Romney, on a wing and several prayers, descends upon New Hampshire like the David who more or less defeated the Mormon Goliath, I have a few thoughts about him.

I don’t like Santorum.  In fact…I looooathe him.

Santorum’s “near victory” speech after the Iowa Caucuses was very well-done…even, to a certain extent, poetic.

He eloquently wafted on about his immigrant parents and their Horatio Alger type successes.  He waxed emotionally about the hard working, coal dust covered and ember ridden steel workers of the Monongahela River Valley.

He spoke of by-gone days of American exceptionalism in Western Pennsylvania.  It was stirring.

He also spoke of freedom…of liberty…of opportunity…where each and every American has the right to go forth, and with all the freedoms that America offers to him or her, be all he or she wants to be.

And yet, in Santorum’s well-written and colorful version of freedom…there lie a few caveats, or perhaps in his case, dicta.

First and foremost being, there will be no abortions in this country.

The Almighty Santorum speaketh...

I don’t care if you were held against your will in this land of personal liberty, YOU WILL HAVE THAT BABY!!  

Have all the freedoms you want, Mizz Probably Asking For It…AFTER you give birth to the Meth Head rapist’s zygote which comes to bear fruit in the form of a beautiful and bouncing baby boy.

Perhaps Mr. Meth Head should have worn a condom, but as you know, that is but an artificial semen dam to God’s righteousness so I wouldn’t have allowed that anyway.

Hey Bryce and Chandler!?  Quit being gay, and don’t even think about getting married, because for eons, God has dictated that only man and woman can marry.  He said that somewhere in the Bible or maybe I heard it from Bill Donahue.

Either way, remember…A cock in the ass, is worth two gay birds in Hell…or something.

And for all you Anti-Semites out there…I stand by Israel no matter what, and if you don’t, you are un-American.

Israel was put here by God and more importantly, by the United Nations in 1948.  And while I will kick the UN out of New York before my term has expired, they at least did something right on the Jewish Question.

And in order to protect Israel and the Second Coming of Christ, which I do not fully understand, I will bomb Iran at the first signs of them building a nuclear reactor, or anything that resembles a corn silo like I saw while in Iowa.

Also…Under a Santorum Administration, Flag Burning, Bestiality, Amorous Hand-Shaking, Drinking, and giving YOUR money to black people in order to make them more comfortable will be prohibited.

Other than that, feel free to be yourselves.

Oh, one other thing…When I name Newt Gingrich my Consort-in-Chief, don’t laugh.  He has a very thin skin, and he can go ballistic.

Somewhere, Benjamin Disraeli and Edmund Burke are crying...Not to mention fellow Catholic, Jack Kennedy...

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

email:   neshobdude@yahoo.com
twitter:  mattmaniws