Apartment Living Should be More of a Community

Hola y’all! There are a number of reasons that people choose to live in apartment rather than own a home. The primary one is probably because they can’t afford a house or can’t get financing, but I’m sure that there are lots of people out there who prefer apartments because they’re much less hassle. If anything goes wrong you just call the manager and they send maintenance over to fix it. Okay, some places are better at this than others, but that’s basically true.

People like to claim that renting is just throwing money away, but I don’t know if that’s really the case. If you add up all the expenses of owning a home over 10 or 20 years including all the maintenance, lawn care, plumbing, carpeting, flooring, renovations and interest I doubt you’ll EVER get all that back. All you will have is a decade or two of spending too much of your free time doing Honey Do Lists. Who needs that?

There are some downsides to apartments too. You don’t have as much room to spread out. You can’t do any renovations. You don’t normally have an area to do any gardening. You don’t have as much privacy as a home. And, in most complexes you have to park outside year round. Worst of all though is the fact that the complex usually doesn’t do any snow removal when you have a Great Ice and Snowstorm of Death like we had over the weekend.

Granted if they ran the snow plows through the parking lots everyone would have a big pile of snow behind their cars. Since most apartment dwellers don’t have snow shovels this could cause some problems for folks. They also don’t normally shovel the sidewalks. They claim that if they do so and someone falls and hurts themselves they could get sued. That’s bullshit. Anyway, this time they did shovel. Not much, but they came by after the sleet turned to snow and shoveled the sidewalks a bit.

I got to thinking though; there are twelve apartments in every building, six per side. If each resident would buy a little shovel and some salt, we could clear our sidewalks pretty easily. Hell, Sunday and today as I was going out to clear off the cars and check on things, I was busting the ice and clearing it off the sidewalks with just the heel of my shoes. Check out the sidewalk in front of my building versus the one next to us.

See what a difference a resident who cares can make? Think of how fast and easy that would have been with a few people to help me out? We could have knocked that out and been back inside watching football and drinking beer on Sunday in no time at all. Hell, if we didn’t have the snow we could have done some shoveling early on and then spread some ice melt and it would have been even less effort.

So why don’t we? Well, most people don’t help out their neighbors like that nor do they like to work as a team. And, worst of all, most people take the “It doesn’t bother me to have an icy sidewalk, so why should I go to all that effort for someone else.” That makes me sad.

Then again, maybe my neighbors WOULD be willing to do this and are sitting around thinking the same thing. Maybe the only reason we don’t all get out there and work together is because I never talk to any of my neighbors and don’t know them at all.

Nawwwww …. They’re assholes.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS

Dealing With Noisy Neighbors

Hola quiet and considerate people! If you are friends with me on Facebook (and if you aren’t that really hurts) you might have seen (assuming you don’t have my updates hidden, which also hurts) that there was an incident here this week with my upstairs neighbors having a little disagreement the other night. As is usually the case, they decided to take their fight outside just to make sure everyone got the chance to enjoy their charm.

I also have another neighbor who is pretty damn annoying. This one likes to go outside and yell into her cellphone and argue with people that way. Well, tonight while we were doing show prep, Matt-Man said that he told his boss Drive-By Mikey about my neighbor. Turns out Mike had a great idea for what to do about this. He thinks I should go out there and bug her while she’s on the phone. Mike’s recommendation was to use an Air Horn on her.

So, Matt and I decided I should do a list similar to the one where I threw out ideas to deal with a possible newspaper thief. So, here goes …

- Vuvuzelas: These horns ruined the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. They annoyed every single one of the billion people world-wide who tried to watch the games on TV. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take long to piss off my neighbor with one.

- Cowbells: Much like the Vuvuzelas, the cowbells that ring nonstop throughout a Mississippi State football game piss off the whole world. Obnoxious doesn’t even begin to describe those things OR the MSU fans.

- Thundersticks: These fucking things should be outlawed. Oh Holy Jesus they’re annoying. Go to any basketball game and there are kids with these things everywhere. They just pound those sticks together for the whole game and make it a very unpleasant experience.

- Black Cat Firecrackers: These will have the added bonus of her thinking just for a second that I might be shooting at her. I always enjoy the funny look on people’s faces when that happens.

- Pots and Pans: This was Matt-Man’s contribution. He says either cast iron or maybe some pots that I bang on with wooden spoons. Also, the party noisemakers we sometimes blow on the show. Everyone loves those.

- Go outside and film her while not saying a word: Just stand there and film her until she gets so uncomfortable that she hangs up and goes inside. This was Matt-Man’s other contribution and probably his best. The discomfort of my videotaping her for the internet paired with my intimidating nature might cause her nightmares.

- Go outside, walk up to her and say “Who are you talking to? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Who ya talkin’ to? Huh? Who is it? Do I know them? Let me talk to ‘em. Let me talk to ‘em. Let me talk to ‘em. Come oooooooooooon! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?? Let me talk to ‘em! Dammit! Is it your boyfriend? Is it? I bet it is. It’s your boyfriend, isn’t it? Just admit it. It’s okay, I’m not judging. I mean, I’m kinda judging HIM! Ha! I kid! Let me talk to him. I wanna talk to your boyfriend. You never know, he and might end up being bros!”

- Walk outside with my 80’s style boom box: Crank up a cassette tape of Aerosmith’s “Sweet Emotion” on a loop as loud as it will go and hold it over my head about two feet from her.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS



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The Street is a Dangerous Place

Hola all you sheltered people out there living in your safe little worlds. You might think that a white guy from a little bitty town in Arkansas like me wouldn't know much about life on the streets. Or, figure what I do know I learned from movies, TV shows and rap music. Well, you’d be wrong. I’m surprisingly gangsta and quite comfortable hanging out with people that many of you consider to be the unwashed masses. Working class, poor, homeless, street walkers, drug dealers, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads. They all adore me. They think I'm a righteous dude.

So, I thought I would break down life on the streets for you crackers in a way that I know is most important to you. I will list all the people you run into on the street from LEAST to MOST dangerous.

- Homeless Person/Wino: People are always afraid of homeless, but they’re rarely dangerous. For one thing, they’re usually very malnourished and don’t have the strength or energy to do anything. They’re a lot like vegans in this respect. Also, they are generally defeated and have given up.

- Drug Dealer (Boss): The lieutenants and bosses generally know that fights, killings and other disturbances are really bad for business. The only thing they want is to move product and get paid.

- Mentally Disturbed: Okay, getting dangerous. These guys are unpredictable and while they usually aren’t dangerous, you have to keep an eye on them.

- Drug Dealer (Corner boy/Slinger): Not as disciplined as their bosses, but they have learned that when they cause problems, especially with regular everyday people, their bosses come down on them REALLY hard.

- Addict/Tweakers: Have absolutely no control over what they are doing. Often times are very volatile. You can’t fuck with them the way you can your drunk or high friends.

- Hookers/Prostitutes: I’m not being negative here. Y’all know that I love and respect hookers very much. But, these girls (and guys) have been beaten, robbed, raped and otherwise shit on so much that they are always on guard. Anything doesn’t look right at all and you’ll get a kick to the nuts before you know what happened.

- Drunk College Kids/Drunken Loudmouths: I hate these fucking people. They are usually rude, crude and just generally horrible people. They get drunk and want to fight. When they get into fights things get out of hand and innocent bystanders get caught up in the battle. And there are always these losers who can’t take an ass beatin’ who just run out to their car and grab a gun and start shooting indiscriminately.

- Police: They’re here to serve and protect right? Yeah, well if they decide you’re up to something and you try to explain you’re not or worse, dare to invoke your rights, they will beat and taser your ass relentlessly. Then they’ll charge you with made up shit and the only way you can get out of it is to agree not to file abuse charges.

- Banker/Finance Expert: Okay, so they won’t bother you on the street or attack you physically or anything like that. But, be a couple of days late on a mortgage payment and they’ll take everything you own. And what’s worse is that the entire government apparatus from the local police, prosecutors, judges and city council all the way up through the state and federal government are there to protect the bankers from YOU, not the other way around.  You have no fucking chance against these vicious mother fuckers.

As you can see, the street is a dangerous place for people who don’t know what’s up. I don’t recommend any of you folks take any chances out there. Just stay in the safety of your nice quiet suburban home. As long as you don’t get involved in any of their swinger parties or get terrorized by their teenage kids because you did something to piss them off.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Speaking of Life in the Hood, that’s what we talked about on I’m With Stupid this week. Matt and Jay talked about some of the benefits and difficulties of apartment living. They told stories of rowdy neighbors, burglaries, busybodies and all the other characters they’ve encountered through the years. Also, Matt updated us on his new friend Dumpster Dave which reminded Jay of a very heartwarming “Homeless Guy at the Dumpster Story” of his own. Oh and there was a rather strange phone call too. Another classic episode of IWS!

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Stealing is a Sin

Hola good upstanding citizens! We have a bit of drama brewing here in Redneckville and I’m going to have to think carefully how to proceed. Someone is stealing the morning paper and I have an idea who is doing this dastardly act. Not every day, but a day or two each week. It may not seem like a big deal, but people taking shit that isn’t theirs is one of my big pet-peeves.

So, I have few ideas of what to do next, but I’m not sure idea is best...

1. I could set my alarm for like 5 am and set up a stakeout and watch to see if Suspect A (the neighbor) is actually the one taking the paper. And if he/she is, I could then confront him/her and say “EXCUSE ME? DID YOU PAY FOR THAT FUCKING PAPER YOU THIEVING CUNT? NO? THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE TAKING THAT PAPER? YOU KNOW IT’S NOT YOURS! I MEAN JESUS CHRIST YOU FUCKING GODDAM SHITBAG … FLAUNTING THE LAW … STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S SHIT! HERE, LET’S JUST OPEN UP THE APARTMENT … GO ON IN … TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT … HERE WANT MY WALLET? WANT THIS SHIRT I’M WEARING? TAKE IT … FUCKING TAKE IT ALL!”

2. Or, I could wait for Suspect A to grab the paper and then jump him/her and beat the crap outta him/her all while playing “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.” You know, to teach ‘em a lesson and send a message to the rest of the hood.

3. I could booby-trap the paper. Maybe a small explosive that would go off as soon as Suspect A opened the paper would work. Not too big of an explosion though, just enough to scare the person and maybe leave their fingers burning a bit and a ringing in their ears. Or maybe poison! Ohhh yeah!

4. Go buy a Ken Doll, give him a Columbian Necktie and cut off his hands and feet and place it in a box next to Suspect A’s door. In that box will also be a note that says “This is what happens to people in the hood who steal.”

5. Maybe a more subtle approach is needed. I could set up a stakeout and wait for Suspect A to leave and then “accidentally” run into him/her on the sidewalk. Then I could be nice and charming as always and ask him/her how he/she is doing, and talk about how hot it’s gonna be and “Oh hey, I was wondering if you’ve noticed anyone out on the patio in the early mornings? I ask because someone is swiping the morning paper and thought maybe you might have seen someone around?”

6. There IS no option #6.

7. I could type up a really passive aggressive note about people taking other people’s shit and nobody having any respect for their neighbors and how this shit won’t be tolerated and put the note in the doorway of every apartment in the building including mine.

8. At around 4:30 am I could Ninja Creep up to the apartment and place a note on the paper stating “You did not pay for this paper so LEAVE IT ALONE.”

9. Cancel my newspaper subscription and make sure I get the chance at some point to let Suspect A know I had to because some worthless piece of shit kept stealing it.

Since I just finished watching the entire series of The Wire (AGAIN) I’m kind of leaning towards the more violent options. But, as someone who has been involved in social media for many years, the passive-aggressive ideas look good too. Man, dealing with this situation is gonna be tough. I’ll have to think about it some more.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Eliminating People Would Make Life Easier

Hola! Welp, it was 85 degrees here today. I know that it snowed once back in January and that proves there’s no climate change or global warming or anything like that, but this is a bit extreme. In fact, it’s so warm that I had to crank up the air conditioner at the palatial estates. Unfortunately, this means that I have to make my annual trip up to the office Thursday morning.

As always, I’ll have to ask for a maintenance work order, get an eye roll from the girl working in there, and then fill it out explaining that my a/c is blowing warm air. It is out of coolant, I’m sure. This isn’t really a big deal, but why I fill out the maintenance request online? I just hate places that won’t join the 21^st Century and make me deal with other people.

Life is full of all kinds of little annoyances. In addition to the a/c in my apt needing coolant, the a/c in my car will need some soon too. It has a leak, so it needs coolant three or four times a year. Worse than that, it needs an oil change too. GOD I hate doing that.

Oh sure, all I do is drive up to Super Spiffy Fast Lube place or Walmart and have them do the dirty work, but again, it’s a hassle. First they ask me like a million questions and give me a half million options. Then, I feel like they’re judging me when I just get a basic, everyday oil change. They look at me and shake their head like “Man, I guess you don’t love your car.”

Wouldn’t be great if we could do these little things without any hassle at all? And by “hassle” I mean “dealing with people.” It would be so cool to just go online and let the Rapid Fire Quickie Lube know that my car needed an oil change. Then they would send Bubba out here who would put the car up on some jacks and change the oil and filter and add coolant without me having to do anything at all. They could then just charge my credit card. No dealing with people necessary.

I realize this is the ultimate First World Problem, but it would certainly make my life less stressful. We can already do this when we order pizza. Sure, I have to open the door for the delivery guy. And, they always want to know if I’m having a good night and blah blah blah. Small talk bores me. But, at least I can just sign the slip and tell the guy to “take it easy” and close the door.

There are some areas where people can buy their groceries that way. Oh man wouldn’t that be cool? I wonder if they would design their website so that every once in a while an image of a little old man popped up while the site buffered before loading the virtual produce isle. That way I could get the real life feel of shopping without actually having an old person in front standing in front of me blocking the canned vegetables. That would be a pretty funny feature.

Again, I would have to deal with the delivery person. And, that delivery person would probably judge me by what I bought just like the clerk at Walmart does. I swear, they always look at me like I’m some kind of freak when they scan my Great Value Swiss Rolls Snack Cakes. I know they’re not a real food product, but they’re sooooo yummy!

Well, I guess this not having to deal with people utopia will never be fully realized. At least not until I win the lottery and can afford to be a total recluse like Howard Hughes was. So, I’ll still have to get up and go deal with miss Eye Roll in the morning. But, I’ll get a small measure of revenge against her for her attitude. I won’t shower before I go up there.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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In other news, on Wed Matt-Man and I broke down the Mississippi and Alabama primaries and talked about how wonderful the south is on IWS. You won’t get expert analysis like this anywhere else folks.

We also unveiled our new segment “Molotov Mocktails!” Surprisingly enough, it turned out pretty damn funny. So, check it out!  

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There's Weird Shit Going On Around Here

Hola y’all! Sometimes, I’m not the most observant guy. I mean, my next door neighbor shot himself last fall and I totally missed it. Didn’t hear or notice a thing. Well, until I looked outside and saw six city cops, the chief of police and a dude in a green jacket that said “Coroner” on it.

But, there are other things that I do notice. Usually I notice things that don’t really matter, but seem odd. And things around town or here at the palatial estates that just freaking drive me crazy.

One of these things is a neighbor’s Mitsubishi Montero and its flat tire. It’s not abnormal to see cars with flat tires in our parking lot. There are nails, screws, glass and other items all over the place and the lot is never swept or cleaned. What’s odd about this one is the guy who owns the Montero is driving it on that flat tire.

Every day for a week I would go out there in the morning and I was see that Montero parked in a different spot. Yet, it still had that flat tire! WTH dude? Do you think he didn’t notice it? Then on Sunday I noticed that the tire was no longer flat and I felt much better about things.

Well, I did until Tuesday. That’s when I noticed that once again, that tire was about halfway down. And, take a wild guess what happened today? You got it. I noticed the tire was flat again AND it was parked in a different spot! Come on!

It would only cost like $7 to fix the flat dude. Hell, I’ll help take up a collection if you need me to. You’re lucky thing hasn’t shredded yet. Actually, why hasn’t it? I guarantee you mine would have. Totally unfair.

But that isn’t the only thing I keep seeing in the parking lot that bugs me. I have another neighbor who I think is running some kind of social experiment. He has a truck with a camper on it, but the camper and tailgate are both open. The truck has only been moved once in the last three weeks.

Sitting right there in the truck bed is an open case of Ozarka bottled water and a bucket full of lunch sized bags of Doritos. I’m pretty sure my neighbor is just seeing how long it will take before someone steals a bottle of water or a bag of chips or both.

And when it finally happens he’ll probably yell “I KNEW IT! PEOPLE CAN’T BE TRUSTED!”

Actually, I thought about stealing one myself just to see if that’s what he was really doing. But, I’m afraid the truck is booby trapped. It would be just my luck to grab a bottle of water and have the gate and camper close on me and trap me with my legs hanging out of the back until the owner hit the little button on his remote to release me. Hell, he probably sits by his window watching and waiting. Well, I’m not gonna fall for it buddy!

Of course, I could just ask him, but that wouldn’t be any fun at all.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

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Also, today on I’m With Stupid Podcast we talked about mean girls, Prop 8, Susan B Komen, Rick Santorum and all kinds of other stuff. We just kind of meandered along through the show like a river of awesomeness. You should totally check it out as we would be most appreciative! 

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