Ranting, Eating and Drinking

It was another somewhat awkward yet epic episode of IWS Radio this week. Special guest Mr. Bum Wine Bob was a little later than usual so Matt and Jay attempted to fill time and then got bailed out by a couple of hawt callers! We …

Discussed our weeks and engaged in some witty banter.

Talked about the proper way to pronounce “Ohio.”

Gave a quick analysis of the week in college football and Auburns devastating loss to Texas A&M.

The lovely and talented Gnetch AKA: Little Miss Sunshine ranted about men catcalling women.

Analyzed the catcall video and agreed that we are quite outraged by the behavior of those men.

Got a call from our good friend Gail Koverman! She talked about Cleveland, Rock Concerts, Tippecanoe and her favorite fast food joints.

Gideon Foresight was on hand to tell a few horoscopes.

Bobby Kraft tried his hand at stand-up comedy and brought the crowd at The Gigglezone in Redneckville to their feet.

Jamie Mapleleaf called in to keep us company for a while.

And then Bum Wine Bob called in and told us all about the awesomeness of the Bum Wine Lifestyle!

And? So much more!

                               

Loves and Fears ... Well Just Loves

Holaaaaaaaaaa all you whackos! So does everyone listen “TheMental Illness Happy Hour?” It’s a pretty good podcast hosted by Paul Gilmartin who you might remember from “Dinner and Movie” back in the day on TBS. One of the things Paul likes to do with some of his guests is an exercise called “Fears and Loves” where he and his guest will list some of the things they truly fear and love.

So, I decided I would do that here on the blog today. Well, I’m only going to do the “Loves” side because the “Fears” side means opening up a little too much and to being judged and I’m just not a fan of that. Maybe soon I will be able to bring myself to do it. We’ll see. Some of y’all are pretty fucking judgy though.

Okay, here we go with some loves ….

- College Football: Again, not just college football but something very specific about it. I love games that kick off late Saturday afternoon during the daylight and go on into the evening. As the game gets late because of twilight and the stadium lights it takes on this yellowish-orangeish glow and if it’s later in the year in some areas a little mist or fog even forms. I just find that really cool.

- Pepsi: Specifically the first sip of Pepsi each day. It’s so cold and it burns all the way down and it’s just an incredible experience.  I also like to wait until late afternoon to have my Pepsi so I’m sooooooo ready for it. Another great bonus is Pepsi makes me burp. Damn, it feels so good to let a big burp rip every once in a while.

- That rush I feel right before IWS Radio starts. Just before the show starts the annoying British lady who constantly tells how much time is left until the show starts every minute suddenly comes on and says “your show will begin in five seconds” and I feel this HUGE rush of adrenalin and get all excited and sometimes feel like I need to pee.

- Saying good morning to Jamie Mapleleaf. Every morning, well most mornings, while I’m lying in bed drifting along in that happy place between being awake and asleep I hear my tablet chime letting me know that someone played their turn on Words With Friends. A few seconds later I hear the sound of dice rolling telling me that someone has played their turn on Dice With Buddies. When I hear that I say “Good morning Jamie.” The cool part is that I’m almost always right that it was Jamie.

- Laughing and watching other people laugh. I’m not talking about just a little chuckle or giggle. I’m talking about one of those roaring, full-body, being brought to tears, now my tummy hurts laughs. Laughing so loud that everyone in the room and even outside the room can hear you and are staring at you is one of life’s great pleasures.

- Wine buzz! There really is no better feeling when it comes to alcohol than being comfortably numb from drinking wine. I’m just so relaxed feeling no pain at all.

- A great pair of legs. Nothing is better than a woman with really sexy legs. Unless it’s a woman with a great ass, of course.

- The first piece of thin crust pepperoni pizza from pizza hut. I get extra sauce which makes it a little extra zesty. The pepperonis are a little bit spicy and the cheese is gooey and oozes and it all just comes together so deliciously perfect.

- Trivia: I love learning fun and sometimes useless little facts and trivia games are perfect for that. Trivial Pursuit is my favorite board game by far.

- Politics: This one might be starting to fade since you can’t ever have a really good political discussion anymore.  Most people just spew talking points they picked up for their favorite political blog and get FURIOUS if you dare to disagree with them or challenge their world view even a little bit. Having said that, politics ain’t beanbags, and I love the back and forth and the strategy involved in getting elected and getting bills passed.

Obviously there’s more, but the average person’s (HA! I like to pretend that someone is actually reading this) attention span is contracting faster than the ice caps. So, maybe I’ll continue this on another post some other time.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Christmas Is the Time to Say I Love You

Cheeeeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

Do you realize what day it is?  It’s exactly three weeks and one day prior to Christmas, and I always observe December 3rd as my…

What Do I Want for Christmas Day!!

Why do I observe such a day three weeks and one day prior to Christmas, you ask?

Well…

Three weeks may be plenty for a normal person to decide what they want for Christmas, but as I am one who procrastinates, that extra day provides me with a much needed buffer between Christmas joy and being left with an empty feeling when I receive nothing but leftover love from my son on Christmas, as Jay and I discussed on Sunday’s, IWS Radio broadcast.

Anyhoo…

If I really were to want something for Christmas, I would want a Grade A microphone/headset combination.  I mean, the one I have is okay, but it sounds “tinny” no matter what adjustments I make to it.  I have a whiny voice to begin with and the tinny sounding microphone doesn't help to improve my voice nor my rep.

New speakers for my computer would be nice as well.  The speakers that I currently have, are getting a little tired.  I think that perhaps, too many Stubby Stonehenge replays through their tiny tweeters and woofers have distorted their sound.  Yeah, new speakers would be nice.

There’s one last thing I would like…okay two actually.

A block of Velveeta “cheese”, and a Cassano’s pizza or sub.

I know…boring, right?

Perhaps to some of the younger hipsters, but I have discovered something as I type this two months shy of my 49th birthday.  As I get older, Christmas means something much different than it did when I was a kid or even ten years ago.

I’m not talking about having a liturgical type of religious experience or anything, but Christmas has become, in a way, a time of year and day, that as my age rears its ugly head, a time that I also recognize all of the old friendships that grace my life.

The first time that Christmas made me feel old was about ten years ago.  My mom called me and asked what I would like for Christmas.  I didn't ask for a cool and hip toy, game, or latest what have ya like I did when I was a kid.  Noooooooo…I said to Mom…

“I could really use some new socks, or maybe a new white dress shirt, or a tie.”

IKR?  That’s pretty sexy.  Nearly as sexy as wanting a block of Velveeta or a Cassano’s pizza, but here’s the thing.

As I get older, if someone asks me what I would like for Christmas, it is always something I need, because as for me, the excitement of Christmas has become not the gift, but the rekindling and reconnecting with people that I like and I love.

My favorite part of Christmas is going to my brother’s house on Christmas Eve and partying with my family, all the while exchanging gift cards that we would probably buy ourselves for ourselves, and then…

Spending Christmas Day with Schmoop as we play music, eat way too much, drink way too much, and laugh way too much (if that’s possible) all damn day.

I don’t believe that Christmas as observed is the actual day of the birth of Jesus, and I do believe that if Christ were alive today, he would be appalled by its celebration, but I do think one thing.

Be it a hoax, a religious event, a secularist party, or just another day on the calendar, Christmas is an excellent time and/or excuse to reconnect with, and drunk dial those you love.

And if that’s all Christmas truly is, I like that…a lot.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page    

Pizza Delivery Stories

Hola pizza lovers! Matt always has great stories about the morons who come though the Beer Mine all the time. That always gets me to thinking about some of the strange people that I delivered pizzas to back in the day when I was in college and working at a pizza joint.  So, I thought I would list some of them here…

- I delivered a large supreme pizza to some dudes in a trailer who had a HUGE pile of marijuana on the coffee table.  Also sitting there was a Glock .40.  The guy sitting on the couch looked at me and said “I guess you know that you haven’t seen anything here today, right?” And he gave me that knowing “we’ll come cut your balls off and stuff them down your through and then shoot you in the head” nod.  I was like “absolutely!” 

They gave me a $5 tip.   I’m pretty sure dudes with a table full of cocaine would have tipped better. 

- I once delivered a small cheese pizza to one of the richest people in Arkansas.  His house was actually outside of our delivery area, but you want to stay friends with people like this.  So, I got up to his ridiculously large house and before I could get out of the car I was face to face with a Great Dane. 

After about a minute Mr. Rich Guy came running out of the house and got the dog and said the dog wasn’t dangerous at all.  Anyway, I got out of the car and gave him his pizza.  Turned out he had a coupon for the pizza for only $4.99 (tax included).  He paid with a twenty.  So, I gave him a ten, five ones and HIS PENNY as change.  He took the money and his pizza and turned around walked into the house without so much as saying thank you or giving me a tip.

- I once delivered to a Days Inn and a man who was probably in his 60s answered the door naked. Lying on the bed was a naked woman about his age. They invited me to come back after I got off work.  I declined.

- I also delivered to a guy who looked to be in his 50s or maybe 60 at another hotel.  Lying on the bed in his room was a girl who looked to be a teenager wearing a half shirt and panties.  I’m pretty sure it wasn’t his daughter either.  They did NOT invite me back.

- I was offered drugs and/or alcohol in lieu actual money all the time.  The problem with that was that I would have to pay for the pizza myself if I accepted.  Well, until I became one of the managers.  Then, someone would come in and offer me a couple of beers for a pizza and I would say “sure!”

- I never once had a lonely MILF offer sex for pizza.  Or just sex.  Those porno movies are terrible the way they make everyone believe that happens all the time.  But, there was a girl who lived in the apt. complex behind the store who offered sex for pizza once.  She was all kinds of messed up and my conscious got the better of me and I just gave her a pizza and declined her special offer. 

- I did have guys offer blow jobs a few times.  Oddly enough they never offered a blow job for the pizza.  The always paid and then made the offer.  I declined, but it sometimes it’s nice just to be asked.

- The worst part of working there was the callers.  Every single day people would ask if we had wings, breadsticks, sandwiches or even pasta dishes.  We didn’t have any of those things.  We were a bare bones ghetto pizza operation.  We didn’t even deliver soft drinks. 

So, people would ask if we would pick up any of those things from another place on our way to delivering our pizza. 

“Will you get us some wings from somewhere else and deliver those too?” 

“Will you drive through McDonalds for my kids on the way here?”

“Will you drive through the liquor store for me?”

“Will you stop and get me cigarettes and/or a Coke on the way?”

Sometimes we would agree to do it, but those people almost never tipped. Man, people suck.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS 

Matt Said Jay Said XXXIX

Matt 会談, Jay 会談, You 聞く.

Matt: “You again? This is getting to be a habit.”
Jay: “I’m a man of many bad habits.”
Matt: “Don’t share them with me you sick fuck.”
Jay: “I’m sure you already dream about ‘em.”
Matt: “I’ll dream about my final Google Image Search of the night.”
Jay: “Midget porn?”
Matt: “Noooo”
Jay: “Clown porn?”
Matt: “Horrifying!”
Jay:  “IKR?! Just mentioning it will leave me scarred for life.”
Matt: “No, I search ‘Pizza.’”
Jay: “Mmmmmm … Cheese oozing off the sides.”
Matt: “I really don’t like the word ‘ooze’ if you don’t mind, but greasy is sexy.”

Jay: “Our Mother’s Day show is #4!!”
Matt: “We’re blowing up!”
Jay: “We’re, as the kids say, killin it!”
Matt: “Do they say that?”
Jay: “Of course they do.”
Matt: “I’ll take your word for it.”
Jay: “I have my finger on the pulse of pop culture and all that stuff.”
Matt: “Be careful where you put that thing.”
Jay: “I’ve always been super careful ever since that incident in grade school.”

Matt: “OH MY GOD!”
Jay: “I’m joking. Sheesh.”
Matt: “No, no that. Schmoop is devouring some chicken nuggets and fries.”
Jay: “That’s hot!”
Matt: “Yes it is! She’s so aggressive.”
Jay: “Like a lioness tearing into a zebra?”
Matt: “Kinda.”
Jay: “You need to get some video.”
Matt: “She would be famous.”
Jay: “I’m gonna dream about THAT tonight.”
Matt: “You and me both.”

Matt: “I have a couple of ideas for this Sunday.”
Jay: “Lay it on me stud.”
Matt: “You know Mitch Albom’s 7 People You Meet in Heaven?”
Jay: “I hate him, but go on.”
Mat: “Well, we could do People You Meet on Earth.”
Jay: “You mean people who influenced us in some way.”
Matt: “Yeah!”
Jay: “Like good advice and mentored us and shit.”
Matt: “Exactly. Or bad advice.”
Jay: “And we can pay if forward with our own great advice.”
Matt: “If we have any.”
Jay: “We’ll think of some by Sunday.”
Matt: “Sounds good!”
Jay: “Another MONSTER show coming up!”
Matt: “That’s hot.”

And there you go kids, another sneak peek into the world of IWS staff meetings. Be sure to catch us LIVE on I’m With Stupid this and every Sunday at 12 Noon ET talking about great advice and all that stuff. It’s gonna be fun!  

Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!

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Eliminating People Would Make Life Easier

Hola! Welp, it was 85 degrees here today. I know that it snowed once back in January and that proves there’s no climate change or global warming or anything like that, but this is a bit extreme. In fact, it’s so warm that I had to crank up the air conditioner at the palatial estates. Unfortunately, this means that I have to make my annual trip up to the office Thursday morning.

As always, I’ll have to ask for a maintenance work order, get an eye roll from the girl working in there, and then fill it out explaining that my a/c is blowing warm air. It is out of coolant, I’m sure. This isn’t really a big deal, but why I fill out the maintenance request online? I just hate places that won’t join the 21^st Century and make me deal with other people.

Life is full of all kinds of little annoyances. In addition to the a/c in my apt needing coolant, the a/c in my car will need some soon too. It has a leak, so it needs coolant three or four times a year. Worse than that, it needs an oil change too. GOD I hate doing that.

Oh sure, all I do is drive up to Super Spiffy Fast Lube place or Walmart and have them do the dirty work, but again, it’s a hassle. First they ask me like a million questions and give me a half million options. Then, I feel like they’re judging me when I just get a basic, everyday oil change. They look at me and shake their head like “Man, I guess you don’t love your car.”

Wouldn’t be great if we could do these little things without any hassle at all? And by “hassle” I mean “dealing with people.” It would be so cool to just go online and let the Rapid Fire Quickie Lube know that my car needed an oil change. Then they would send Bubba out here who would put the car up on some jacks and change the oil and filter and add coolant without me having to do anything at all. They could then just charge my credit card. No dealing with people necessary.

I realize this is the ultimate First World Problem, but it would certainly make my life less stressful. We can already do this when we order pizza. Sure, I have to open the door for the delivery guy. And, they always want to know if I’m having a good night and blah blah blah. Small talk bores me. But, at least I can just sign the slip and tell the guy to “take it easy” and close the door.

There are some areas where people can buy their groceries that way. Oh man wouldn’t that be cool? I wonder if they would design their website so that every once in a while an image of a little old man popped up while the site buffered before loading the virtual produce isle. That way I could get the real life feel of shopping without actually having an old person in front standing in front of me blocking the canned vegetables. That would be a pretty funny feature.

Again, I would have to deal with the delivery person. And, that delivery person would probably judge me by what I bought just like the clerk at Walmart does. I swear, they always look at me like I’m some kind of freak when they scan my Great Value Swiss Rolls Snack Cakes. I know they’re not a real food product, but they’re sooooo yummy!

Well, I guess this not having to deal with people utopia will never be fully realized. At least not until I win the lottery and can afford to be a total recluse like Howard Hughes was. So, I’ll still have to get up and go deal with miss Eye Roll in the morning. But, I’ll get a small measure of revenge against her for her attitude. I won’t shower before I go up there.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

--

In other news, on Wed Matt-Man and I broke down the Mississippi and Alabama primaries and talked about how wonderful the south is on IWS. You won’t get expert analysis like this anywhere else folks.

We also unveiled our new segment “Molotov Mocktails!” Surprisingly enough, it turned out pretty damn funny. So, check it out!  

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

The Great Preheating Experiment

Hola Bitches! Jayman Here!

So, over the last year you guys have all sat back and watched in awe as Matt-Man and I have built an online media empire. We started with the critically acclaimed and highly rated podcast “I’m With Stupid.” We also added our Twitter Accounts to the IWS media world and then set up an official IWS Tumblr. And, finally we created this wildly popular blog.

With all the success we’ve had, it would appear to the outside world and our adoring fans that Matt-Man and I work together like a well-oiled machine. Most people probably think that it’s all fun and games between us and our agreeable nature means that there are no rifts or tension between us as we go through our daily decisions as to who posts when and what topics to discuss and all the other very hard work that goes into creating a media empire with a vast and diverse worldwide audience.

And for the most part that’s true. I’d say that 98.34% of the time, Matt-Man and I agree on things. But, there are a couple of issues that we just can’t seem to see eye-to-eye on and while they seem minor, from time to time they bubble up to the surface and cause a bit of a problem. One such issue has finally come to head and I have decided to do something to end this once and for all.

Tonight, I agreed to actually preheat my oven before cooking my frozen DiGiorno’s Pepperoni Pizza and Breadsticks combination.

You see, Matt-Man holds fast and true to the very old-fashioned belief from days of yore that you MUST preheat your oven before cooking something. While I agree that when baking things like cakes, cookies and breads preheating is necessary, for most foods like chicken, roasts, pizza and potatoes it is not only not necessary, but a waste of time. However, I agreed to try it out tonight and then report back to the masses as to how well it worked out for me.

6:00 pm: Okay, instructions say oven at 400̊ F and bake for 18 minutes. So, I’ll turn the oven on and wait for the little light to go out and let me know the oven is preheated.  

6:02 pm: *Checks Oven* *Light is still on* I’M SOOOOO BORED AND TIRED OF WAITING!

6:03 pm: *Light is still on* OH COME ON!! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

6:04 pm: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! IT WOULD BE HALF DONE ALREADY! *goes back to watching football*

6:30 pm: “Oh shit! The oven is on!” *runs into the kitchen*

6:32 pm: *FINALLY puts pizza in oven*

6:50 pm: *takes perfectly cooked pizza and breadsticks from oven*

Okay, so the pizza was freaking delicious. And, preheating the oven does seem to have helped make sure it cooked evenly and all that jazz. But, it added a full 30 minutes extra time to preparing dinner. So, while preheating the oven might result in a slightly better cooked product, it ads so much time to the process that it’s probably not worth it.

Sorry Matt-Man, I have to declare victory on this one.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws

Matt Said, Jay Said XII

Matt Said, Jay Said, You Read…

Matt: “Uhhhh …. Yes?”
Jay: “Howdy HO! Matty-O!”
Matt: “You’re in way too good a mood.”
Jay: “Just happy to be alive.”
Matt: “Well, maybe you should tone it down a bit.”
Jay: “No can do. I’m high on life and spreading the happiness.”
Matt: “I’m immune to it.”
Jay: “Very sad.”

Jay: “Alessandra Torresani tweeted a link to IWS Blog.”
Matt: “I don’t know who she is, but that was very sweet of her.”
Jay: “She was in the show Caprica.”
Matt: “Oh, of course.”
Jay: “You still don’t know who she is, do you?”
Matt: “Nope.”
Jay: “Se was part of our Halloween Celebrity Costume post. She was Barbarella.”
Matt: “Mmm … she’s HAWT!”
Jay: “And, apparently loves us cause she sent hundreds and hundreds of people our way.”
Matt: “Of course she does. What’s not to love?”

Matt: “What was for dinner?”
Jay: “Tuna fish sandwiches.”
Matt: “What bread?”
Jay: “Honey Wheat.”
Matt: “Oh, we’re so done!”
Jay: “What do you use?”
Matt: “White. Toasted. You DO toast your bread at least, don’t you?”
Jay: “Of course! I’m not some uncultured hick, ya know.”
Matt: “Sometimes, I wonder.”

Jay: “Local Tea Party held a rally here and didn’t invite me.”
Matt: “Now that’s just downright rude.”
Jay: “And stupid. They forgot to invite a world-famous broadcaster.”
Matt: “They’re just not the marketing and publicity gurus we are.”
Jay: “Very true. They’re just jealous and afraid I’ll dominate media coverage and their wives will hit on me.”
Matt: “Or they’re protecting their daughters.”
Jay: “Ha! Hey!! Anyway, band move on their part.”
Matt: “They will be left to steep in their own mediocrity with their snubbing of you.”
Jay: “My guess is they’re already sorry.”

Jay: “So, since it’s been all Herman Cain this week, we should have a Pizza Party for Saturday’s show.”
Matt: “Brilliant idea!”
Jay: “National chains, local joints, frozen pizza etc”
Matt: “We are pretty much experts on this one.”
Jay: “And who doesn’t love pizza?”
Matt: “Absolutely”
Jay: “Okay then. We’re set!”
Matt: “Hell yes!”

So, be sure to join us at 6:30 pm on Saturday (or in archives if you happen to miss it) for a HUGE virtual Pizza Party on I’m With Stupid! It’s goona be a blast. But, it would be more fun if YOU were there.

The World's Best Pizza: It's in Your Heart and at Cassano's

Whenever I come across the following quote by, Kevin James, I think of the existential brilliance of Kierkegaard and Nietzsche…

“There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.”

The former King of Queens actor sums life up quite well in the aforementioned quote…

Because while I, (and many others) find that orbiting the hot oven of life we call the sun, upon an oblique spheroid of a pizza pan we call Earth can be painful and difficult at times, the day to day trials and tribulations can be quickly sent into a decaying orbit by…eating a pizza.

I mean c’mon…

It’s warm dough, spicy tomato sauce, melted cheese, the occasional veggie to make you think it’s good for you, all served on one huge, edible, round, or rectangular “plate” piled with meat.

How could any breathing, thinking human being with half a taste bud in his or her mouth not like that? Uh-huh…they can’t…Word.

Pizza is a universal language.

For instance, Kierkegaard who was Danish, might have liked his pie topped with Havarti and Smelts. Nietzsche being German, may have preferred limburger, sausage, and angst. Kevin James?

Being the New Yorker that he is, probably likes the Big Apple style pie that you curl up in your hand as it drips in the bountiful beauty of pepperoni, extra mozzarella, and grease. Mmmmmmmmm.

Either way…Pizza brings a smile to peoples’ faces, because the people eating it, have personalized it. 

They choose what goes on it. Ordering a pizza allows the common folk to enjoy the wide array of ala carte topping options without incurring a Greek-sized debt. It’s no wonder the Greeks went under to the Romans.

Another great thing about pizza is that it’s like a quilt…an afghan of sorts, although I don’t think Afghans have pizza, and if they did, it would probably be poppy and yak pizza, which makes perfect sense.

The hallucinogenic effect of the poppies would mask the bitterness of the yak, but I digress…

Pizza brings folks of all cultures, race, class, etc. together. I’m serious, now dig it…

Sure, sometimes one may get a pizza for them self, but how often have you heard:

“Hey, WHO’S up for pizza?”

“Why don’t WE order some pizza?”

“If I spring for the pizza, THEY might like me.”

See?

Pizza is also, among it’s great qualities, good for something else.

It identifies where one is from; it help to define and nurture one’s roots.

I have grown up and been a lifelong resident of the Miami Valley, specifically the Dayton/Springfield, Ohio region, and in spite of all of the chain pizza places which are available, nothing says home more than Cassano’s Pizza.

Cassano’s Pizza has been making great pie for years, and those of us around here love ‘em.

And let me tell you…In addition to the quality of the pizza itself, the best thing about their pizza goes back to their name.

This local/regional chain was built by Vic Cassano. That my friends, is a great pizza name…and it has to be both names.

You can’t have a great pizza place named after Bob Cassano…that sounds like a used car salesman, and…

You can’t have a great pizza placed named after Vic Tayback, because that sounds like a dirty diner in Arizona.

The name, the dough, the sauce, the toppings…they all add up to comfort when you get them right, and pizza affords us all that, even if for only a few minutes a week.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS