Bert Convy Loves IWS Radio

Hi all…The late great Bert Convy here for IWS Radio…

When I was alive, I was an average guy who could do a lot of things in an average way.  I was an average game show host…an average singer, and an average actor if it was a part that contained whimsy and self-deprecation.

I was in a sense, a jack-of-all entertainment trades.  Nothing fancy, but as is typical with white guys, very workman-like.  I was all about nothing and at the same time all about everything.

And LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio, the IWS Radio Show will broadcast an episode that is very much like me…very…Convy-esque.

They will cover everything from terrorism to football, from bad music to bad weather, from the goings on up during their winter retreat at Hodgepodge Lodge to the unsuccessful unseating of the orange man himself, John Boehner.  In fact, their press release person summed up tomorrow’s show this way…

The holidays are over and the bitter polar air of January has its icy grip upon the country.  Hot topics come to a stall at this time of year, and it often seems as though there is nothing to talk about.

Well…nothing in particular to talk about, but plenty of things to talk about in general, and that is why Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team are meeting at Hodgepodge Lodge outside of Bemidji, MN. for a winter retreat.

IWS Radio is celebrating winter activities, the NFL Playoffs, the NCAA Football National Championship, and discussing the terrorist attack in Paris, as well as John Boehner’s orange skin, the flaccid Tea Party attempt to unseat him, and shocking headlines and anecdotes from Redneckville, AR. and Bagwine, OH.

Anything goes at Hodgepodge Lodge, and this week is no exception as laughter, bad music, and satirical shenanigans ensue as IWS Radio breaks the ice with biting wit and a warm smile for all.  So, join them and call-in at 661-244-9852.

I hope you all listen live and call-in tomorrow between Noon and 2 PM ET.  You’ll be doing yourself a favor and will realize that average and shallow coverage of many events done by professionals such as Jay and Matt can be nearly as sexy and uproariously funny as me.

With Love From Heaven,

Bert Convy

To listen LIVE to the IWS Radio Shenanigans ‘n’ Such From Hodgepodge Lodge show tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET click HERE.  

When IWS Radio Opens Up, Jay and Matt Are AMAZING

So what went on during yesterday’s IWS radio Show you ask?

Well…let me tell ya before you hit play at the bottom of the page and LISTEN!!

We got off to a fast start as we talked about our uneventful week and celebrated as any good American would, the life and times of Joan Rivers.

We talked about ESPN’s habit of talking about the shower habits of professional athletes.

Slyder Balzcock broke down the first week of the NCAA 2014 football season with class, élan, and mis-mangled words as he boarded his 1,500 mile helicopter trip.

Dixie Ozark had a Peabody Award winning report as to how some lesser knowledge folks in Redneckville, AR. have a hard time accepting kind, loving, yet potentially Ebola stricken victims and prefer them not to visit their town.

Martin and his Meditations brought us all down from hating the haters who hate us.

Joshua got all hot and bothered about football as he reviewed North Dallas Forty.

And…sadly…

IWS Radio’s very own catalyst of happiness and AMAZINGNESS Tammy Tibbles was shot and/or beheaded by ISIS and/or ISIL…either way she’s very much dead and we will miss her and/or question the whereabouts of Guy Ahnyurdyck.

In addition to all of that, Jay and Matt virtually bitch slapped all of the internet naysayers and nitpickers with furor, and funny comments.

It was a great show, so give it a listen….

THE OSU Uber-Fan Frank Blatz Is Befooted By Tragedy

Good Morning IWS Radio listeners, or in this case…readers…or whatever.

THE Ohio State University football uber-fan Frank Blatz here, with my take on the tragedy that has befooted itself upon our world in recent days.

Okay…so over in Iraq, I guess there is the group of hooligans called ISIS or ISIL or whatever…I wish they’d make up their mind as to what to be called…I think I’ll just from now on refer to them as Izzle.  Anyway…

Seems that Izzle is running roughshod over and through innocent Iraqians and has been and continues to blitz some group called the Yassidians who are looking for a little pass protection from the United States and a group of indigent Iraqians called the Curds.

I don’t understand why people have to hate on others.  I mean, maybe I’d know more about this situation and would have a clearer take on what’s going on over there, but the Big 10 Network doesn’t carry a lot of world news.

I do know that an American reporter type guy was beheaded the other day by these Izzle folks.  I saw the video.  It was nearly as disturbing as when Tim Krumrie of the Cincinnati Bengals broke his leg during Super Bowl XXIII, and it was floppin‘ around like a dead fish on national TV.

I actually was more disturbed by the video of the guy getting his head chopped off because he was a true American, and Tim Krumrie?  He played football for the University of Wisconsin.  So c'mon…there ya go.

Oh…And what is it about all this shit going on in Ferguson, Mo.? People looting, shooting, fighting, and what not.  Have people lost their minds?  I know that tragically, an 18 year old black kid got terminally shot by a white cop, but man…Can’t we let the justice system figure this out without burning down the entire community?

You folks in in Missouri need to figure this out pronto because THE Ohio State University football season is but nine days away, and I don’t want any of the games I watch being interrupted by BREAKING NEWS from Ferguson!!  If that happens?  I may come to Ferguson, Mo. and break a few windows myself, you SEC bastards!!

Finally…Here is without a doubt, the penintimate…um…penticular…wait…biggest tragedy of the day.

THE Ohio State quarterback and assuredly 2014 Heisman winner Braxton Miller, re-injured his shoulder and will be out for his entire senior season.  What the Hell!!?  Why does God hate THE Ohio State University? IT’S NOT FAIR!!  IT’S OUR TURN!!  WE ARE THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY!!

How are we to capture the Golden Fleece that is the Big 10 title with a red shirt Freshman named J.T. Barrett at quarterback?

The boy hasn't had taken a college snap and he will be standing behind four new starters on the O-Line. When we go to Michigan State J.T. is going to feel the same way a black dude in Ferguson, Mo. must feel…Like he is looking across the line and eye to eye with a line of angry, grain-fed white guys who want to rip his head off.

Let’s just hope it is quicker and less painful than the decapitation of that reporter type guy who was decapitated by that un-American Michigan State bastard of a basketball coach, Tom Izzle.

For IWS Radio this is Frank Blatz…

Lovin’ the Urban Meyer, and Smellin’ like Woody Hayes…

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Loves and Fears ... Well Just Loves

Holaaaaaaaaaa all you whackos! So does everyone listen “TheMental Illness Happy Hour?” It’s a pretty good podcast hosted by Paul Gilmartin who you might remember from “Dinner and Movie” back in the day on TBS. One of the things Paul likes to do with some of his guests is an exercise called “Fears and Loves” where he and his guest will list some of the things they truly fear and love.

So, I decided I would do that here on the blog today. Well, I’m only going to do the “Loves” side because the “Fears” side means opening up a little too much and to being judged and I’m just not a fan of that. Maybe soon I will be able to bring myself to do it. We’ll see. Some of y’all are pretty fucking judgy though.

Okay, here we go with some loves ….

- College Football: Again, not just college football but something very specific about it. I love games that kick off late Saturday afternoon during the daylight and go on into the evening. As the game gets late because of twilight and the stadium lights it takes on this yellowish-orangeish glow and if it’s later in the year in some areas a little mist or fog even forms. I just find that really cool.

- Pepsi: Specifically the first sip of Pepsi each day. It’s so cold and it burns all the way down and it’s just an incredible experience.  I also like to wait until late afternoon to have my Pepsi so I’m sooooooo ready for it. Another great bonus is Pepsi makes me burp. Damn, it feels so good to let a big burp rip every once in a while.

- That rush I feel right before IWS Radio starts. Just before the show starts the annoying British lady who constantly tells how much time is left until the show starts every minute suddenly comes on and says “your show will begin in five seconds” and I feel this HUGE rush of adrenalin and get all excited and sometimes feel like I need to pee.

- Saying good morning to Jamie Mapleleaf. Every morning, well most mornings, while I’m lying in bed drifting along in that happy place between being awake and asleep I hear my tablet chime letting me know that someone played their turn on Words With Friends. A few seconds later I hear the sound of dice rolling telling me that someone has played their turn on Dice With Buddies. When I hear that I say “Good morning Jamie.” The cool part is that I’m almost always right that it was Jamie.

- Laughing and watching other people laugh. I’m not talking about just a little chuckle or giggle. I’m talking about one of those roaring, full-body, being brought to tears, now my tummy hurts laughs. Laughing so loud that everyone in the room and even outside the room can hear you and are staring at you is one of life’s great pleasures.

- Wine buzz! There really is no better feeling when it comes to alcohol than being comfortably numb from drinking wine. I’m just so relaxed feeling no pain at all.

- A great pair of legs. Nothing is better than a woman with really sexy legs. Unless it’s a woman with a great ass, of course.

- The first piece of thin crust pepperoni pizza from pizza hut. I get extra sauce which makes it a little extra zesty. The pepperonis are a little bit spicy and the cheese is gooey and oozes and it all just comes together so deliciously perfect.

- Trivia: I love learning fun and sometimes useless little facts and trivia games are perfect for that. Trivial Pursuit is my favorite board game by far.

- Politics: This one might be starting to fade since you can’t ever have a really good political discussion anymore.  Most people just spew talking points they picked up for their favorite political blog and get FURIOUS if you dare to disagree with them or challenge their world view even a little bit. Having said that, politics ain’t beanbags, and I love the back and forth and the strategy involved in getting elected and getting bills passed.

Obviously there’s more, but the average person’s (HA! I like to pretend that someone is actually reading this) attention span is contracting faster than the ice caps. So, maybe I’ll continue this on another post some other time.

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Friday Morning Musings

Cheeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

What a glorious morning it is here in Bagwine, Ohio.  Today is going to be sunny with a high of 80.  Perhaps the nice weather will lessen the stupid and rude levels when I go to work later.

Lately I have been seriously thinking about quitting smoking.  I am tired of listening to my chest sound like a phlegm filled percolator.

I got a nice sleep last night.  I think I got around nine hours sleep.  That rarely happens.

I don’t even know if I had any dreams.  That’s good, because the last dream I had, involved being chased around by a knife wielding midget all the while I was being mocked by a naked Florence Henderson.  What the fuck!?

I am enjoying an ice cold Monster Absolute Zero as I type this.  Schmoop picked some up 4/$5.  What a bargain.  That’s some well-priced caffeination right there.  Boy Howdy!!

My finger hurts.

I jammed my left pinkie right before our IWS Radio show on the 15th of this month.  It still hurts, damn it.  I don’t think I broke it, but great googly moogly it’s a wicked pisser…or something.

I have to record a couple of funny bits for Sunday’s show this morning.  It’s a good thing that I got up at 7:30 this morning.  Oh the pressure of being an international internet radio star.  Lesser people would spin out of control if they were in my shoes.

Can you imagine Ted Cruz, Harry Reid, John Boehner, and Nancy Pelosi going out for pizza?  They’d be unable to decide on which toppings to get, and just say fuck it and go home hungry.

Write it down folks…October 12th is a Saturday and Ima going to be off ALL day!!  That’s right bitches.  A day full of nothing but food, beer, and college football.  I will feel like a piece of shit come Sunday morning, but by golly…it’s worth it.

Ha.  I just heard that O.J. Simpson was caught stealing cookies from the prison commissary.  O.J. Simpson:  Running Back, Murderer, Cookie Monster.  Sounds like a great movie for the Lifetime Network.

Okay…I’m outta here.  I need to get recording and on top of that, my pinkie is beginning to hurt again.

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you Sunday on the radio.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Back to School Idiots and Detroit PD Hiring

Hola y’all! You know, there really just isn’t crap going on at all. As we talked about on Sunday’s “Dog Days of Summer” episode of IWS Radio this time of year is just boring as hell. So, it looks like it’s time again for some random topics again. Try to hold down the excitement please.

- It’s Back to School time again! I’m already hearing ads on the radio reminding us not to pass the school bus and be careful in school zones and whatehaveyou. This week has been fairly pleasant weather wise, but I’m sure the local TV stations will be running reports asking “Is it time to air condition our schools?” soon enough.

That’s some bullshit right there man. Back when I was in school we only had certain rooms that had air. The “new” building at the jr. high and the library and four classrooms that didn’t have windows at the high school were the only ones air conditioned. I took Mrs. Stone’s English class just so I could be in a room with A/C. God she hated me.

- Has anyone seen this fake AT&T “Lawful Interception Recovery Fee” going around social media sites?

It’s amazing how people will just believe anything without checking it out. I mean, I realize that most people just believe it because they WANT it to be true, but don’t you guys ever get embarrassed falling for this shit?

What makes me mad though is that so many of the people who believe that fake AT&T bill have the audacity to claim IWS Radio isn’t really advertising on the side of Amish Buggies …

- Speaking of not-so-bright people and advertising, in case you haven’t heard the Detroit Police Department is hiring and they decided to advertise with IWS Radio last week …

I’m seriously considering doing it too! I don’t know much about being a cop, but I do watch a lot of police shows on TV and while they occasionally get shot at, it doesn’t seem like that bad of a gig. Besides, cops seem to be able to afford pretty nice houses or loft apartments and they marry super-hot chicks who they are apparently allowed to cheat on repeatedly.  I think to prepare for my life as a cop I will start answering my phone by just saying my last name like cops do also.

- I just found out that Yakov Smirnoff is leaving Branson, MO!! I’m devastated. How could I let him perform there for 20 years and never go to any of his shows? Now I think I should have gone to see him rather than Ray Stevens back in the day. Uhh … Maybe not. Ray was pretty funny. Anyway, that’s one less show for white people to go to. I hope there’s some added Kenny Chesney concerts or Jeff Foxworthy shows or something to keep them entertained.

- Only two more weeks until college football!!! I’m definitely ready for it even though Arkansas is gonna suck. It’s pretty hilarious to watch Hog fans though. After a 3-9 season last year and a whole new coaching staff you’d think they would be realistic, but nooooooooooooo. As the season gets closer they become more and more delusional and start saying things like “With our talent anything less than 8 or 9 wins is a failure.” What talent are they talking about? Eh, whatever. This is the year I ignore the message board and idiot fans and just enjoy the games. Probably. Well, I’ll try.

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Big Ten Football Preview 2013...OH-IO!!

Are you ready for some football, America!!?

Hiya my fellow college football fans….

Tank Patterson (B.S. Agri-Business, THE Ohio State University ‘77) here for IWS.

Now yesterday, Jayman posted a preview of the upcoming 2013 SEC Football season, and upon reading it, I said to myself…

“Tank?  You should preview the upcoming 2013 football season for the only NCAA Football conference that matters, that being the Big Ten Conference.”

So…Here I am.  Tank Patterson, 1977 graduate of THE Ohio State University.  So, here goes, in order of where each team will finish…

Leaders Division

THE Ohio State University:  If Braxton Miller can stay out of trouble, and our beloved Buckeyes can dodge the early landmines of such high powered teams such as Buffalo, San Diego St., Cal, and Florida A&M, we will be prepared to run through our conference schedule like a combine through a drought stricken corn field.

Wisconsin:  The Badgers come to OUR house this year.  Prepare to see a lot of people wearing scarlet and red that game…the red being the blood of 22 Wisconsin Badgers lying dead on the sacred turf of OUR house!!

Penn State:  They come to Columbus on October 26th.  That’s pretty close to Halloween, so hide the kids. Those perverts will be offering candy to all of the precious little kids in OUR city.

Purdue:  Ooooooooo, Purdue…Oooooooo, we’re so scared of you, Purdue.  Kicking your ass in Ross-Ade Stadium this year would be a great memory except for the fact that I, my wife, and my family have to spend the night in West Lafayette, IN. in order to watch it happen.

Indiana:  Seriously?  Why do you guys even bother?  You are barely a basketball school anymore.

Illinois:  We go on the road for the second week in a row to play you after Purdue.  Looking for an upset of us?  Perhaps you and the Fighting Illini’ tribe would be better served by making reservations for a scalping!!

Legends Divison

Nebraska:  Remember when you guys were feared? Remember Tom Osborne?  Remember when you joined the Big Ten and much to your chagrin found out that even Ohio has a more moderate winter climate than yours?  Take That!! Cornsuckers!!

The Team That Must Not Be Mentioned:  What do you call a Wolverine football player with a National Championship ring?  A Thief!!

Northwestern:  Hey Smarty Pants, we play you in the “jewel of the Midwest” Evanston, IL. on October 5th…Are you going to trick us by running counter-intuitive plays, or perhaps try to stifle our offense with your defensive mind meld antics?  Your SAT score doesn’t trump the scoreboard on the field.

Michigan State:  Ha…Every year, “people in the know” say that this is YOUR year Sparty…Hell, we’re going to beat you 42-0 this year, and we don’t even play you!!

Minnesota:  The Golden Gophers are rebuilding and revitalizing their program this year, which means they may actually win a game or two…or not.

Iowa:  Kirk Ferentz is quite the head coach.  I know Ferentz is an Iowa grad, but man, he has the IQ of a Northwestern grad, because anyone with his dismal record who can still retain his job, is fucking brilliant!!

See you on October 19th, Kirk…unless the IU administration comes to their senses.

So there you have it folks…a fair and balanced break down and preview of the 2013 Big Ten Football Season.

Here’s to the upcoming college football season, and to Jay and Matt, and here’s to THE Ohio State University.  The best of the best.

OH-IO!!

Tank Patterson

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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SEC Football Preview 2013

Hola again football fans! My NFL Preview was such a smashing success (kinda, not really) that I decided to expand my previewing analysis skills to college football. No, I’m not gonna preview all 100-plus big-time college football teams. I’m going to preview the only teams that matter. So, here’s your 2013 Southeastern Conference Football Preview!

SEC West:

Alabama: Pfffffffft, these guys suck. The players mostly look just like the fans.

Arkansas: The absolute, unchallenged class of the SEC. Only the highest quality human beings play on the team and they always play the game the way it was meant to be played. They play hard, practice harder and study the hardest. They are the epitome of Student-Athletes and the very definition of gentlemen.

Auburn: The cheatingest, dirtiest, low-downest scum-buckets in any division of any conference in any sport on any level. Fuck those guys.

LSU: Why do both LSU and the New Orleans Saints use the “WHO DAT??!!” chant? Because it applies to all of South Louisiana. All over the bayou folks have for decades said things like “Who dat breaking into my house?” and “Who dat with the gun about to rob me on the street” and “Who dat that got killed walking to church last night for $3?” and … well, you get the idea.

Mississippi State: THOSE GAWD-DAMMED COWBELLS! OMG! Most of the players can even spell Mississippi.

Ole Miss: If you can’t get into Mississippi State then you’re only other options is Ole Miss, a drinking school with a football problem.

Texas A&M: What’s the difference between an Aggie and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. Hey-OOOOOOOOOOO

SEC (L)East:

Florida: The only school with more player arrests each week than points scored. Aaron Hernandez and Riley Cooper are their most distinguished alumni.

Georgia: The team and fans suffer from the least deserved superiority complex in the entire country.

Kentucky: I don’t really have anything against the Mildcats cause they’re not good enough to really worry about. Besides, they already have a basketball program so dirty it makes Auburn fans gasp, it wouldn’t be fair to have a good football program too.

Missouri: So stupid they think Missouri really IS in the southeastern part of the country. Also, Columbia has the greatest concentration of people who can’t figure out how to use “there,” “their” and “they’re” correctly in the entire country.

South Carolina: Their only redeeming quality is being named the “Gamecocks” so everyone can just refer to them as the “Cocks.” Heh…Heh…Huh…Huh …. “Cocks”

Tennessee: Their offensive line …

Vanderbilt: Rich, stuck-up, over-privileged, condescending, Duke wannabes. Nobody likes you guys.  

So there you go y’all! An expert analysis of the greatest football conference in the history of the world.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Wisconsin vs. Ohio State...Badgers vs. Buckeyes...Brent Musburger is Lost in Zanesville

Hi Post-Secondary Education pigskin fans, Slyder Balzcock here for I’m With Stupid with your Weekend of Witches and Warlocks, gridiron preview…

It’s a big, spooktacular weekend of college football, and no game bigger than when the Wisconsin Badgers invade the sullied and shit upon horseshoe of the Ohio State University, but more on that later.

First up, in the Conference-USA...um...conference…

UAB blazes a beeline to Huntington, WV. in order to tangle with the ‘Herd of Marshall.

I don’t know about you, but I think that because the game is played at noon, even the West By Godders from Marshall won’t be drunk enough to stop the Boy Caught pass attack of the Birminghammers.

In the SEC, the ’Hogs of Arkansas invade Dudley Stadium in Nashville in order to take on the pesky Vanderbilt Commodores.

In order for a win from the Commodores, Lionel Richie will need to throw for 400 yards, beat down the Arkansas secondary harder than he did his ex-wife, and kick Nicole through the uprights. I hope the winds are favorable.

Navy is at Notre Dame this weekend which can mean only one thing…The Midshipmen of Navy will be getting their first look at women who aren’t dykes.

Tonight’s game is a match-up of the Indian Jesuses of BYU and the Nails in the Hand TCU’ers.

I think TCU will win because when you morph BYU and TCU into an anagram, it spells out, Buy Cut. 

Jesus wasn’t bought, but he sure as hell was cut. I predict the true Christians of TCU win by a trinity.

Lastly, before we get to the, Game of the Week…

The smart, white, and light skinned Afro-Americans of Stanford, travel to South Central LA to take on the drug-dealing, hubcap stealing, and noble in moniker only, Trojans of USC.

I’ll take smart, pasty white guys over nefarious heroin-shooting Black and Mexican-Americans any day. Stanford gets the win, but the USC players get the ladies.

As I promised earlier, my views on the Mighty Wisconsin Badgers coming to Columbus, Ohio to take on the Ohio State Buckeyes…

While the Ohio State program is in trouble, the Badgers of Wisconsin are still smarting over the loss to unemployed auto workers from Michigan State. It’s quite the eliptic condensed conair? (Ed.Note: use, conundrum; that means puzzle, Slyder.) conundrum.

Thanks Ed. Note, and on that note, ha ha, I will say this…

the Ohio State University blows…They blow like Moby Dick. The Badgers are going to destroy them…I mean…Here’s what the Ohio State players will look like when the carnage is over…

I know what you’re saying…

“Hey Slyder you’re from Ohio; you should root for the Ohio State.”

Let me tell you something…I’m originally from Idaho, and I hate potatoes. That tells you one very important thing about Slyder…

I don’t get the Value Meal when I go to McDonald’s.

This is Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field and headin’ for the showers.

Matt-Man

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