Bert Convy Loves IWS Radio

Hi all…The late great Bert Convy here for IWS Radio…

When I was alive, I was an average guy who could do a lot of things in an average way.  I was an average game show host…an average singer, and an average actor if it was a part that contained whimsy and self-deprecation.

I was in a sense, a jack-of-all entertainment trades.  Nothing fancy, but as is typical with white guys, very workman-like.  I was all about nothing and at the same time all about everything.

And LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio, the IWS Radio Show will broadcast an episode that is very much like me…very…Convy-esque.

They will cover everything from terrorism to football, from bad music to bad weather, from the goings on up during their winter retreat at Hodgepodge Lodge to the unsuccessful unseating of the orange man himself, John Boehner.  In fact, their press release person summed up tomorrow’s show this way…

The holidays are over and the bitter polar air of January has its icy grip upon the country.  Hot topics come to a stall at this time of year, and it often seems as though there is nothing to talk about.

Well…nothing in particular to talk about, but plenty of things to talk about in general, and that is why Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team are meeting at Hodgepodge Lodge outside of Bemidji, MN. for a winter retreat.

IWS Radio is celebrating winter activities, the NFL Playoffs, the NCAA Football National Championship, and discussing the terrorist attack in Paris, as well as John Boehner’s orange skin, the flaccid Tea Party attempt to unseat him, and shocking headlines and anecdotes from Redneckville, AR. and Bagwine, OH.

Anything goes at Hodgepodge Lodge, and this week is no exception as laughter, bad music, and satirical shenanigans ensue as IWS Radio breaks the ice with biting wit and a warm smile for all.  So, join them and call-in at 661-244-9852.

I hope you all listen live and call-in tomorrow between Noon and 2 PM ET.  You’ll be doing yourself a favor and will realize that average and shallow coverage of many events done by professionals such as Jay and Matt can be nearly as sexy and uproariously funny as me.

With Love From Heaven,

Bert Convy

To listen LIVE to the IWS Radio Shenanigans ‘n’ Such From Hodgepodge Lodge show tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET click HERE.  

IWS Person of the Week...Clowns!!

When one is feeling a little down or perhaps had a bad day, and needs a bit of happiness in their life, who better to cheer said sad person up, than a clown?

Clowns have been spreading the joy unto others for centuries, and that is why clowns are our IWS Person(s) of the Week!!

Here is a group of clowns just begging to put your joy ahead of themselves and make you happy...

Some clowns strike fear into the hearts of others, but really?  They just want to love and be loved...

Some clowns are just so out there that you don't know what to think, but you find them hilarious...

Once in awhile, a clown will lose his funny bone and just can't figure out his job as a clown...

When something like that happens to a clown, many other clowns feel sorry for the lost clown...

Clowns are varied and many, in fact...Some clowns are actually outraged and require no make-up at all...

But of course...The best clown of all is the clown that makes us smile, and looks hot at the same time...

Here's to the clowns; may they make us happy for centuries to come!!  And speaking of clowns...

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players take to the internet airwaves yet again, as they broadcast LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Just like clowns IWS Radio is all about spreading love, being happy, and celebrating the good people in this world during the IWS Radio Down with Love, Up with People episode.

Join IWS Radio LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET by clicking HERE, and share the love and happiness with us!!

National Coming Out Day

Cheeeeeers and Happy Friday Chuckleheads!!  You know what today is?

That’s right…

National Coming Out Day!!

And let me tell ya…

If I, as a fine heterosexual father whose kid hates me because I live in sin with a whore can acknowledge that I live a deviant and less than Godly lifestyle; other people who live, shall we say, a less than “righteous” lifestyle, should be able to man up as well.

Er…maybe “man up” is not the phrase…perhaps, “Sally forth, and admit that you are gay, or just a complete asshole.”, would be better.

Anyhoo…

Since today is National Coming Out Day, I would like to give a shout out to some folks who, with a nudge from me, will come out and admit that they are gay, or a complete asshole.

Corey Booker…Mayor of Newark, NJ., and candidate for the U.S. Senate from New Jersey?  You are one gay, mutha-shut-your mouth brutha.  Holy Cow Cor-Boy.

You are well-kempt.  Well-shaven.  Well-everything, and you are a media darling.  You want to hide your true sexuality behind your recent tweet toward a female stripper, but we all know…

You are the black, yet not too black Jim McGreevey, and we appreciate you keeping your gayness at home in Newark, and not taking up space at a rest stop along the New Jersey Turnpike where gay redneck truckers and gay redneck bikers coincidentally meet in order to show their manliness, curse Obama, and all the while, take it up the ass.

Seriously Corey...You are the Bruce Vlanch of New Jersey politics.  It's okay.  Take your Senatorial seat and/or Emmy and shut the hell up.

Sean Hannity…You know dude?  You need to come out and admit that you are biggest douche bag in the history of TV and Radio.  I call you a douche bag because, well…you have a vagina, and sometimes you need one.  You are a girly-man.  You keep saying…

“The Republican Party should do this, and the Republican Party can’t back down.  The Republican Party should elect this guy in District Whatevah.”  But…

As you proudly and incessantly say on your radio show…

“I am not a Republican.  I am a registered Conservative in the State of New York.”

You are, but…You only say that to give yourself cover.  You are a Republican through and through, and if they go down, you can conveniently say that you are not a Republican.

Grow some balls Sean, and conversely, could Sarah Palin please lose the balls that she thinks she has, and go back into the closet of pseudo-manliness?

She is going to be in New Jersey this weekend in order to campaign for Corey Booker’s Senate opponent, Steve Lonegan.

Call me crazy, but as self-aggrandizing as Corey Booker is, I don’t think an egotistical, vapid as the Sahara is dry, right wing numbskull, such as Sarah Palin is going to move the NJ Senate poll numbers much.

And lastly…You know who else should come out of the closet?

John Boehner.

I mean, c’mon…He grew up in the hardworking, blue-collar town of Cincinnati, and worked from dawn to dusk at his family’s bar.  And yet…

He cries often.

I’m thinking his family’s bar was a gay bar; because at real, true, American, straight bars…there is no crying.

It’s time to come out, Speaker Boehner...It's time to come out.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

How Vladimir Putin Can End the Shutdown and Restore America to Her Greatness

Cheeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Weekend Eve Eve to one and all, especially to you Federal worker types whose weekend started this past Monday when you were furloughed.

It’s a sad state of affairs when y’all are sitting idle and without pay while all 535 members of the United States Congress are collecting their paychecks while making a mockery of statesmanship, common sense, and what it means to think beyond their next election.

But, and I hate to say this to any and all Americans who are reading this…

We are a representative democracy and we elected these people.  So…um, well…we have the government, or the lack thereof, that we deserve, and that is why government workers can’t go to the grocery for awhile.

However my friends, I do not pen upon this sacred IWS Radio page today to merely cast aspersions upon America and her people.  Nooooooo…You see?

Unlike the United States Congress, I am here to identify the problem with the state of our once great nation, and offer a solution.

So…To wit, heretofore, and with a hearty, here’s ya goes…Allow me to identify the problem, and offer my solution.

America is a great nation and with amber waves of great people but to be perfectly honest, Americans are also a populous stricken with a collective case of Anti-Attention Deficit Disorder.  It’s true.

Americans are all about instant gratification, a solid trusting in a monolithic set of “facts”, and a comfortable life within a bubble that contains a backyard grill, an ice cold Bud, and being left alone during football season.

A vast amount of Americans, want to pay attention to one thing, and one thing only…themselves.  And my friends, that is why, to that point, Americans are so duly, and well-represented within the no longer hallowed halls of Congress, but...

All is not lost, and there is a way to end this current government shutdown, and restore American greatness.

Remember the halcyon days of America from post-World War II 1946 through December of 1991?  I do…well some of it, but anyhoo…

There was a common thread of unity that ran red, white, and blue throughout every city, hamlet and burg of this great land.  It was a unifying thread of hate so strong, that even in the midst of racial inequality, gender inequality, and wire tapping skills over equality that upon which Americans could agree.

Our hate of Communism, and more specifically for that Great Godless Vodka Drinking Nosferatu of Two Continents, the Soviet Union.

We HATED the Soviets.

The Soviets were wicked and if they had a chance, they would convert your children to Stalinism and then eat them. We had a space race.  We had a nuclear weapons race.  We had a miracle on ice that brought all Americans together.

We wanted to beat them and we did, but then?

When we won the Cold War on December 26, 1991 when the Soviet Union officially dissolved, sadly, our national bond was dissolved as well.

Sure the 1990’s were a post-Cold War honeymoon full of peace dividend rewards, but then on September 11, 2001...The honeymoon was over and the booming U.S. economy was torn down with it.

America was perplexed.  You know why?

Many Americans can’t focus and agree or disagree with more than one thing at a time.  To hear that we were and continue to be attacked by groups like Al-Qaida, the Taliban, Syrian, Iranian, Left-Wing, and Right-Wing terrorists makes no sense.

That’s why many Americans today, Americans who are either rather far-left or far-right, focus on fellow Americans with polar ideologies.

Far Left Loonies line-up and blitz Rush, Sean Hannity and Ted Cruz…Simple enough.

Far Right Tea Drinkers get into a huddle and hate on Rachel Maddow, Chris Matthews, and President Obama.

In order to fix the logjam of hate that is cast upon our own, buy our own, we should build a Mount Rushmore of Soviet leaders with the heads of Stalin, Brezhnev, and Andropov in stone, so we can cast potatoes at them, so we never forget.

And then we can ask of, and turn a blind eye to, Vladimir Puitn re-establishing the former Soviet Union, and, if that happens?

We will all be OUTRAGED, and Congress will say…

“Obamacare?  Sure, why not…have all the fun you want with that.  But in addition, we need to immediately pass a comprehensive budget, and I don’t care what’s in it, as long as it includes funding for nukes.”

Nearly all Americans would rejoice and say...

"To Hell with Moscow!!  Fuck the Sputnik!!  Let Them Eat Taters!! Mike Eruzione Lives!!"

Unity once again!!  IKR!?  I am freaking brilliant!!

That my friends, is both my break-down as to what is happening, and my solution, but…I have one last thing to add.

Vladimir Putin?  America wants you on that wall.  We need you on that wall…We want you to rebuild that wall!!

And so does Sylvester Stallone, because if you restored the Soviet Union, downloads and subsequent royalties of Rocky IV would go through the roof!!

 здоровье!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Inside the Debt Limit Talks

Hola Y’all! Now that the big Fiscal Cliff fight is over, it’s time to move on to the Sequester and Debt Limit fights. This will run simultaneously with the fight over the nomination of Chuck Hagel to SecDef. Man, the republicans are pissed about this one. They can’t believe Obama has nominated a guy who had the temerity to stand up to Israel. ONCE! Monster!

Man, that’s we ever do in this country anymore. Fight. Fight. Fight! Luckily though, IWS World Media News Division has gotten a sneak peak how the negotiations are going to go. Check it out…

Obama: Thanks for being here today Mr. Speaker
Boehner: SPENDING CUTS!!! SPENDING CUTS!!!
Obama: We’ll get to that, but let’s do this in a more formal manner.
Boehner: SPENDING CUTS!!!
Obama: Look, if you want to make the opening offer, go right ahead.
Boehner: WE DEMAND SPENDING CUTS!!
Obama: You’ll have to be more specific. What do you want to cut?
Boehner: No YOU be specific! YOU propose the cuts.
Obama: I don’t want to make any spending cuts, so you’ll have to do it.
Boehner: SPENDING CUTS!!!!
Obama: Okay, fine. We'll talk cuts. How 'bout we start with the Defense Budget?
Boehner: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

*John Boehner goes off to have a good cry and a couple of drinks.*

Harry Reid: Good afternoon Mr. Speaker.
Boehner: SPENDING CUTS!!! SPENDING CUTS!!!!
Reid: Stop screaming John. Let’s do this the right way.
Boehner: WE DEMAND SPENDING CUTS!
Reid: What would you like to cut? Which programs?
Boehner: FUCK YOU! You propose the cuts!
Reid: No. You want them, you have to propose them.
Boehner: This is bullshit! You should have to.
Reid: But we don’t want spending cuts, so we don’t have any to propose. Unless you want to make cuts in the Defense Budget?
Boehner: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

*John Boehner goes off to cry and have a couple of drinks.*

Joe Biden: Hola Johnny-Boy! Mr. Speakerino! What can I do for ya?
Boehner: Mr. Vice President, my caucus is demanding spending cuts.
Joe: Okay, I knew you guys would want that. What do you want to cut?
Boehner: SPENDING YOU STUPID IRISH BASTARD!
Joe: Calm down J.B. It’s gonna be okay.
Boehner: NOT IF WE DON’T GET ANY SPENDING CUTS!
Joe: Well, make a proposal.
Boehner: NO YOU MAKE THE PROPOSAL!
Joe: What do you want me to propose?
Boehner: GOD DAMN SPENDING CUTS!
Joe: We don’t want to cut spending so you have to make specific proposals. Let's start with the Defense Budget.
Boehner: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

*John Boehner goes off to cry and have a couple of drinks.*

Mitch McConnell: Yes, Mr. Speaker, what is it?
Boehner: I can’t get them to propose any spending cuts.
Mitch: Did you push hard for any?
Boehner: OF COURSE I DID TURTLE BOY!
Mitch: That was unnecessary.
Boehner: SO ARE YOU!
Mitch: Nice comeback Orange Man.
Boehner: *sniff* *sniff* We’re supposed to be on the same side.
Mitch: Okay, I’m sorry. What did you offer them.
Boehner: SPENDING CUTS!!
Mitch: Hmm … That should have worked.
Boehner: IKNOWRIGHT?
Mitch: I guess I could make some calls and see what I can do.
Boehner: *sniff* You don’t mind?
Mitch: Not at all. I love bailing you out all the time.
Boehner: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

*John Boehner sobs uncontrollably while drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle.*

Looks like lots of very mature and serious discussions about very serious issues. It’s tough for Boehner and the republicans though. They desperately want Social Security and Medicare cuts, but they don’t want to be the ones proposing or even voting yes on them. This is gonna be a tricky maneuver to try and pull off. Best of luck to them.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Mitt Romney 2012: K's Hamburger Shop in Troy, OH. Here We Come!!

Happy Hump Day Chuckleheads!!

I am on cloud nine today, because I found out that this Sunday June 17th, Fathers’ Day no less, GOP Presidential nominee Mitt Romney will be visiting the greater Bagwine, Ohio area during his Every Town Counts bus tour.

Yes indeed my friends, Mitt Romney will be stopping in Troy, OH. this Sunday to meet and greet regular type folk at K’s Hamburger Shop in Troy, which, conveniently, is located but a mere 25 minutes west of the palatial digs here in Bagwine, OH.

I can’t wait to see Mitt up close, personal, and raw as both sides of his mouth envelop a greasy, handmade burger, topped with cheese, lettuce, pickle, mayo, and mustard and carefully and artfully placed lovingly within the inviting confines of a warm, soft bun.

He will look like one of us…So real, so open, so blue-collar and with a twinkle in his eye as he wipes the grease from his honest lips with a linen napkin that his staff provided, and overcome by the new experience, Romney will say in a non-threatening, yet for him, a quasi-effervescent sorta way…

“Was that really ground beef that I just appropriated into my body?  I have never had ground beef in my life, but as they say…when in Troy, do like the Trojans!!”

The men will cheer…the boys will shout…the ladies they will all come out, and we’ll all be gay when Romney comes munching home.

Hell, even his traveling campaign partners in crime will cave to the emotion of the moment.  House Speaker John Boehner will sob out of sheer joy, and the always effusive and ebullient Sen. Rob Portman will nearly smirk in delight.

And what will I do, when I see that the aforementioned description actually never happens due to the fact that all the folks referenced in my brief piece of uber-fiction are truly boring as Hell?

I’m going after Romney.  Why you ask?

Because Romney has no soul, no passion, no big ideas other than becoming President because he, “wants to.”

Most importantly, I find him insufferable because he has no sense of humor.  I could never vote for anyone who lacks a sense of humor, and Romney?  The man wouldn’t recognize a punchline if he hizzelf was the damn punchline.

However, I, being a zeitgeist of vast philanthropic concern, I am going to help Mitt Romney by attacking him in a profoundly personal and physical way.

The Mittster is going down at K’s Hamburger Shop in Troy, OH. on Sunday June 17th at the hands, or rather, the handshake of the Matt-Man.

Damn right folks.

I am going to squeeze through the line of turgid, Protestant, grain-fed, gawking Miami County Republicans, sneak past his less than attentive Secret Service detail, wade through the sea of Boehner’s tears, glide past the empty stare of Sen. Portman,  and then I will shake the hand of one mild manner Mitt Romney, and say unto his sapless self…

“I’m Matt-Man Bitch, and now?  So…Are…You.”

And with those words and our handshake, part of my wild and carefree personality will be transferred to Mitt through a little-known process that only I posses…a process known as, Transdermal Personality Enhancement.

Don’t believe me?  Ha!!  Wait and see folks, in fact…

When you are watching TV after June 17th, all of Mitt Romney’s new campaign ads will end with the Mittster saying this…

“I’m Mitt Romney Bitch, and I approved this motherfucking message.”

Republican, Democrat, or Swedish Nazi, it matters not to me.  I am merely here to help all of mankind and I feel that Mitt should have the opportunity to experience the excitement of having a personality before he dies.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Arkansas Democrat Gazette...Here's To David Sumrell

I would like to say a few words about a Letter to the Editor that appeared in your Arkansas Democrat Gazette dated April 25, 2012 by one, David Sumrell.

I know to you, I may be a Yankee, but as a resident of southwest Ohio where my congressman will soon happen to be Speaker of the House John Boehner, I think I can relate to your region and your local communities.

In my neck of the woods, we do have, Wall Street types, limousine liberals, and self-important ninnies, yet the majority of us are mainly middle of the road corn and bean farmers, factory workers, and families of other means getting by paycheck to paycheck, just like many of  you fine folks in Arkansas.

And yet, I am pixilated by a comment set forth in the aformentioned Letter to the Editor...

Mr. Sumrell stated, and I quote:

“The granting of the vote to women was the time women first began to get out of their places and God-given roles as housewives and Queens of their homes.”

Mr. Summrel goes on to blame a woman’s right to vote on what he considers the, “moral mess of busted families” in America.

He further states that when women got the right to vote, that they became “Jezebels”, evidently through the black magic that comes along with the wearing of short hair and the donning of men’s clothes.

That’s right.  Mr. Sumrell says that…

Women began to go against God’s will and sense of style in the hair and clothes department, because their suffrage attempts succeeded, but…

I’m thinking perhaps, women began to sport short hair and wear less burdensome clothing, due to the humidity of the Arkansas (or in my case, Ohio) summers.

While I am amused by the remarks of David Sumrell of Springdale to be amusing, I also find them quite ironic, and in that sense, not amusing by any means.

You see…Sumrell blames many of the challenges and current ills facing our great nation on a certain group, in this case, women.

What he fails to see is that America’s current problems are not the product of the actions by any one group, other than one…

The American people themselves, who sit idly by and watch politicians whom they complain about, make decisions on which American people agree and/or disagree based upon a concisely edited sound byte which fits their ideology.

Women like Molly Pitcher, Dolly Madison, Clara Barton, Susan B. Anthony, Sally Ride, Condaleeza Rice, Hillary Clinton, and voting women aren’t what is wrong with America, Mr. Summrel.

You, or more specifically, your mind set, and the mind set of many of our legislators, are exactly what is wrong with America today.

And what exactly is that problem?

You and others blame our nation’s challenges on a specific group of people, along with the inability to separate ideology and political upward mobility from doing what is right in order to help put our great nation back on track.

While I know, judging by your letter to the editor, that you would prefer for "your woman" to cook and clean for you, I'm thinking that maybe she needs to think for you as well, because man…

You obviously haven’t had an original thought since the Stone Age.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Enough With the Men Crying in Public

Hola you super sensitive weepy types out there! My friends, there is a disturbing trend that has been growing for a few years, but really appears to gaining even more steam in America. Something that sends shivers down my spine and I think puts our very safety and independence at risk. What is that trend, you ask?

Men hugging each other and crying in public.

Dick Vermeil is one of the best NFL coaches of all time. His teams were always competitive, disciplined and tough to beat. He also has a brilliant offensive mind which led the St. Louis Rams to become Super Bowl XXXIV champions. He is universally loved by his players and pretty much everyone who has ever crossed paths with him. Dick was also a tremendous football analyst who was wonderful at breaking down the game for the viewers. Vermeil had only one flaw: He would tear up and begin weeping like an overly dramatic teenage girl over almost anything even close to touching.

Speaker of the House John Boehner is another one who turns into a pathetic puddle of tears anytime he or someone else makes up a bullshit heartwarming story about kids or puppies or kittens. Come on! This man is second in line to the Presidency and he can’t control his emotions any better than a toddler who is bawling because his mommy took the bottle of cleaning liquids that he was trying to drink away from him. Don’t you think it’s a problem that a man so emotional could be so close to being the leader of the free world? I certainly do.

And then on Sunday the world was once again witness to another blubbering American man hugging another man and crying in his arms (and then his mommy’s) as Bubba Watson won the Masters Golf Tournament. At the peak of this career, the absolute zenith of his profession, the guy celebrates his win by turning into a bawling mess right there in front of the whole world. Apparently, Bubba thinks the fact that he’s a “daddy” means that he shouldn’t hold it together long enough to get inside, away from the crowds and the cameras before breaking down. What a truly embarrassing display.

You know, earlier today I co-hosted another great episode of I’m With Stupid with Matt-Man. The show was, as always, crisp, clean, funny and above all else, professional. But, I did that show while in terrible pain and feeling like pure crap. Did I start bawling as soon as the show was over? HELL NO! After I mentioned that I was hurting did I start weeping into the microphone and say I needed a hug? Again, HELL NO! Nope, I sucked it up and carried on as always. And, despite the pain and discomfort, I was still able to make a timely and funny rotary phone joke COMPLETE WITH SOUND EFFECTS!

Recently when Matt-Man was suffering from a terrible cold, did he miss any shows? Nope. Did he break down into tears and say he didn’t think he could take it anymore or not finish the show? Again, HELL NO! He, like me today, manned up and marched right through those shows with a minimum of complaints and absolutely no crying or the need of a hug from another man.

All of this is due to more than just being professionals. And it’s more than the old adage “There’s no crying in internet radio.” The reason Matt-Man and I soldiered through is because we’re MEN. And Men don’t cry in public dammit!

So let’s stop all the crying and weeping and super sensitive boo-hooing over every little thing men. Women and children can get away with looking weak in public, but not men. Suck it up boys.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

--

Speaking of our “Easter Extravaganza” on I’m With Stupid. It was, as I mentioned, outstanding. Where else are you going hear people talking about Doubting Thomas, what an arrogant jerk St. Peter is, John Tesh, Jose Marti, Ozzie Guillen, Rotary Phone Sound Effects, a brilliant performance of “The Resurrection” and an endearing “Pee Break with Schmoop” segment all in one show? Nowhere, that’s where! So check it out… 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio