MSJS Easter Extravaganza

Jay evangelizes, Matt sermonizes You nod off a bit.

Jay: What?
Matt: Huh?
Jay: Did you start
Matt: Start what?
Jay: That was a fast minute
Matt: What?
Jay: HOLAAAAAAAAAAAA
Matt: CHEERS!
Jay: How the hell are ya?
Matt: I’m freaking great!
Jay: That’s great to hear.
Matt: You know why?
Jay: Because Jesus loves you?
Matt: You’re GOT-DAMMED right he does!
Jay: Abso-freaking-lutely! He loves me too.
Matt: Well … probably.
Jay: Hey now!
Matt: I’m kidding! Jesus loves everyone.
Jay: Not everyone. He probably doesn’t love Vladimir Putin.
Matt: Good point.
Jay: We should call him.
Matt: Let’s do it!

Jay: OMG! Lent is almost over.
Matt: I can’t wait!
Jay: Me either.
Matt: It’s been a long haul.
Jay: It sure has
Matt: I’m gonna eat bread all day!
Jay: It’ll be a Yeast Feast!
Matt: I might get Adult Onset Celiac Disease
Jay: It’s gonna be a great day.
Matt: Yeah … Hey wait!
Jay: What?
Matt: What did you give up for Lent again?
Jay: Well, it’s complicated
Matt: Uh-huh
Jay: It’s all about being a better person
Matt: Well, did you do it?
Jay: Yeah, pretty much. I think so.
Matt: Good job then!
Jay: Thanks!

Matt: So an Easter Extravaganza on Sunday?
Jay: Of course!
Matt: We should call the Pope.
Jay: Ask him how Easter is shaping up?
Matt: And maybe the Israelis
Jay: Of course! Make sure they’re having a happy Passover
Matt: OHHHHH! Remember when Guy interviewed the Easter Bunny?
Jay: Oh yeah! We should find that and play it again.
Matt: “Classic IWS”
Jay: Good call. Rev Moneymaker will be there.
Matt: And Paul Piatt and stand up w/ Phil Diller
Jay: And even more stand up w/ Jesus on stage at Ha-Ha’s in Haifa!
Matt: I bet he nails that show!
Jay: I hope he doesn’t …. DIEEEEEE!
Matt and Jay: HEY-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Matt: And, I have a list of prayer lines we can call.
Jay: We need more prayer in our lives.
Matt: Everyone does
Jay: So let’s give it to them
Matt: In Jesus’ name
Jay: AMEN!

Be sure to catch “Jesus Christ: Tan, Rested and Ready” on IWS Radio this Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!!

Are You Hot Enough to Handle Two Hours with Jayman?

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

This past Sunday (per usual) Jay, myself, and the brilliant and hard working staff at IWS Radio put on yet another award-winning radio show, however…

A temporary tragedy has befallen us.  I have to work this Sunday because the new employee at the Beer Mine will be on vacation, so the March 30th show is hanging in the balance.

There are some options as to what to do this Sunday.

1.  We could do a show Sunday night at 8 P.M.

2.  We could take the week off, and not have a show.

Or…

3.  Jayman could do the show at our normal Noon-2 PM ET time slot with a guest co-host!!

Frankly my friends, I prefer option 3, and if we go that route, I want to toss out a couple of names of people who would make an excellent co-host (or not) to work with Jayman this Sunday.

1.  Blanche Lincoln.  That’s right. Being a fellow Arkansan, Jayman would feel right at home with the sultry former Senator from Arkansas.  The only drawback to Mizz Lincoln?

Although she looks likes a man and sounds like a man, Jayman finds her hot and she may be far too distracting during the show.

2.  Vladimir Putin.  Putin is a badass, and he would bring an edginess to the show that would bring out the inner-Bad Boy in Jayman. Unfortunately, Putin is also too much of a downer for a comedy show.  If only Boris Yeltsin was still alive. That would be comedy GOLD!!

3.  Al Roker.  I hate Al Roker, but I would love to hear Jayman ask him…“You know?  We’ve never had a fake weatherman on the IWS Radio Show.”  Roker would reply, “Bullshit…You have Kirk Douglas on here pretending to be a weatherman.”  And Jayman would respond, “Damn right, and if Kirk was here in studio with us, he would kick your ass for that comment.”

4.  Frank Bonner.  That’s right, WKRP’s very own Herb Tarlek.  Another fellow Arkansan who has ignored our requests to appear on our show over and over.  Perhaps, since Mr. Bonner really isn’t doing anything these days, the title of co-host on IWS Radio instead of being a mere guest would entice him to be on our show.

5.  James Garner.  A man whom we have reported so many damn times as being dead…you’d think he’d like to come on the show with Jayman just to prove us wrong!!

6.  Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and/or Natalie Portman.  If all, or any of these three hotties were co-hosting the show with Jayman, we’d have to title the episode…“Drooling and Masturbating with Jayman.”

Actually…That would be ratings gold, but following the show, BTR would probably exercise their terms of use agreement and kick us off the air permanently.

Lastly, and drum roll please….

7.  Saving the best for last, if she wanted to, Jayman could spend two hours…120 minutes…an afternoon of non-stop hilarity with…our favorite Canadian, Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaamie!!

Jamie is the Belle of the Ball, and the most awesome chick in Hammer Town, Canada.  Jamie could just read articles out of Popular Mechanics, Car and Driver, and Consumer Reports, and her voice would send the audience into a North of the Border frenzy unseen since the days of Pamela Anderson’s last breast augmentation.

So there you have it.  A few ideas for Jayman and the IWS Radio Show for this coming Sunday.

Enjoy your Tuesday, and whatever happens, we will as always, bring you the news first, fast, and factual.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page  

IWS Person of the Week: The University of Dayton Men's Basketball Team

This week has been full of Vladimir Putin acting like the short, yet squeaky wheel that he is.

As usual, Sean Hannity has been suffering from menstrual cramps and blaming his pain on President Obama, and…

The mystery of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 remains unsolved.

Putin, Hannity, and/or Capt. Zahari Ahmad Shah could have been the IWS Person of the Week this week, but persons much bigger and more likable, captured the imagination of us all and are more than worthy of the title…

IWS Persons of the Week, and those folks are…

The University of Dayton Men’s Basketball Team!!

On Thursday of this week, THE UD Flyers kicked off March Madness by defeating and humiliating an Ohio State University basketball program, sending the Buckeyes back to Cowtown…

And?  The Dayton Daily News reported this event as only it could be reported…

Last night during the NCAA Round of 32 the lowly boys from Dayton, Ohio were expected to cower before yet another Goliath of NCAA Basketball.

The Big.  The Bad.  The former titans of the Big East and now of the ACC...The Orangemen of Syracuse.

Pffffffffffffft.

The Flyers did not cower.  They did not hide.  They did not make a free-throw to save their lives, and yet?

They defeated Syracuse and now, move on to the Sweet Sixteen.  So…

Here’s to the Dayton Flyers...a team that has reached the National Championship before, and just may do it again!!

And for more on March Madness, how winter is clinging to the world, and a hodgepodge of other news, join IWS Radio LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET as Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio gang light up the airwaves and the laughter while double-dribbling the issues of the day with major sarcasm.

To join the fun and frivolity LIVE, click HERE!!

How Vladimir Putin Can End the Shutdown and Restore America to Her Greatness

Cheeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Weekend Eve Eve to one and all, especially to you Federal worker types whose weekend started this past Monday when you were furloughed.

It’s a sad state of affairs when y’all are sitting idle and without pay while all 535 members of the United States Congress are collecting their paychecks while making a mockery of statesmanship, common sense, and what it means to think beyond their next election.

But, and I hate to say this to any and all Americans who are reading this…

We are a representative democracy and we elected these people.  So…um, well…we have the government, or the lack thereof, that we deserve, and that is why government workers can’t go to the grocery for awhile.

However my friends, I do not pen upon this sacred IWS Radio page today to merely cast aspersions upon America and her people.  Nooooooo…You see?

Unlike the United States Congress, I am here to identify the problem with the state of our once great nation, and offer a solution.

So…To wit, heretofore, and with a hearty, here’s ya goes…Allow me to identify the problem, and offer my solution.

America is a great nation and with amber waves of great people but to be perfectly honest, Americans are also a populous stricken with a collective case of Anti-Attention Deficit Disorder.  It’s true.

Americans are all about instant gratification, a solid trusting in a monolithic set of “facts”, and a comfortable life within a bubble that contains a backyard grill, an ice cold Bud, and being left alone during football season.

A vast amount of Americans, want to pay attention to one thing, and one thing only…themselves.  And my friends, that is why, to that point, Americans are so duly, and well-represented within the no longer hallowed halls of Congress, but...

All is not lost, and there is a way to end this current government shutdown, and restore American greatness.

Remember the halcyon days of America from post-World War II 1946 through December of 1991?  I do…well some of it, but anyhoo…

There was a common thread of unity that ran red, white, and blue throughout every city, hamlet and burg of this great land.  It was a unifying thread of hate so strong, that even in the midst of racial inequality, gender inequality, and wire tapping skills over equality that upon which Americans could agree.

Our hate of Communism, and more specifically for that Great Godless Vodka Drinking Nosferatu of Two Continents, the Soviet Union.

We HATED the Soviets.

The Soviets were wicked and if they had a chance, they would convert your children to Stalinism and then eat them. We had a space race.  We had a nuclear weapons race.  We had a miracle on ice that brought all Americans together.

We wanted to beat them and we did, but then?

When we won the Cold War on December 26, 1991 when the Soviet Union officially dissolved, sadly, our national bond was dissolved as well.

Sure the 1990’s were a post-Cold War honeymoon full of peace dividend rewards, but then on September 11, 2001...The honeymoon was over and the booming U.S. economy was torn down with it.

America was perplexed.  You know why?

Many Americans can’t focus and agree or disagree with more than one thing at a time.  To hear that we were and continue to be attacked by groups like Al-Qaida, the Taliban, Syrian, Iranian, Left-Wing, and Right-Wing terrorists makes no sense.

That’s why many Americans today, Americans who are either rather far-left or far-right, focus on fellow Americans with polar ideologies.

Far Left Loonies line-up and blitz Rush, Sean Hannity and Ted Cruz…Simple enough.

Far Right Tea Drinkers get into a huddle and hate on Rachel Maddow, Chris Matthews, and President Obama.

In order to fix the logjam of hate that is cast upon our own, buy our own, we should build a Mount Rushmore of Soviet leaders with the heads of Stalin, Brezhnev, and Andropov in stone, so we can cast potatoes at them, so we never forget.

And then we can ask of, and turn a blind eye to, Vladimir Puitn re-establishing the former Soviet Union, and, if that happens?

We will all be OUTRAGED, and Congress will say…

“Obamacare?  Sure, why not…have all the fun you want with that.  But in addition, we need to immediately pass a comprehensive budget, and I don’t care what’s in it, as long as it includes funding for nukes.”

Nearly all Americans would rejoice and say...

"To Hell with Moscow!!  Fuck the Sputnik!!  Let Them Eat Taters!! Mike Eruzione Lives!!"

Unity once again!!  IKR!?  I am freaking brilliant!!

That my friends, is both my break-down as to what is happening, and my solution, but…I have one last thing to add.

Vladimir Putin?  America wants you on that wall.  We need you on that wall…We want you to rebuild that wall!!

And so does Sylvester Stallone, because if you restored the Soviet Union, downloads and subsequent royalties of Rocky IV would go through the roof!!

 здоровье!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Marry Me Vladimir Putin, Marry Me!!

Hello.  Schmoop here for IWS Radio.

Some of you know me as the somewhat shy, hate to talk on the radio foil for some of Matt-Man and Jayman’s childish IWS Radio jokes, however…

I am a real person...a real person with real feelings, and a woman…

A 47 year old woman, whose blood runs hot with a lust deeper than the Volga River, and higher than the highest apexes of the Caucasus Mountains.

I have never told anybody this, but when I found out in June of this year that Vladimir Putin was getting a divorce from his hag-bag of a wife Lyudmila Putina, I said to myself…

“Schmoop?  You need to rid yourself of this asshole Mahoney, this American malaise, and find a guy who wears the intrigue of the KGB upon his sleeve.  Who loves to go topless while riding horses, and who is sexy enough to say to the world…

“So the hell what?  Those dead bodies are Chechnyans. Who the hell cares?  Let’s take my Harley on a road trip, Baby!!  Who’s with me? You? YOU?”

Damn right…I like badasses, and Vlad?  You are a badass.  Meeeeeeeeeow.

You have it all.  You run an entire country with a steel hand.  You are a take-no-crap kinda guy, and yet, you have a softer side to you that perhaps only a woman like me can detect. And…

I bet you are crazy lovable hell in bed. I bet making love to you is like spending a night with Rasputin.  All freaky, wacko, and never say die shit. All I get here is, “Please!!  Don’t Touch Me!!”  And dig it, that’s me talking!!  Ha!!

Seriously Baby…Oh excuse me, President Baby…I want to become your American Mail Order Bride. Sad American men have been importing Russian brides for years; I think it is time to turn the tables upside down on the mail order bride business.

And when you and I do, we can laugh, drink vodka, and you can lick the scar on my stomach that looks exactly like the Volga River.  When you lick that baby…you won’t be saying “Oh Mommy!!”; you’ll be saying, “Oh Mother Russia!!”

And listen sweetie…I do have my own set of skills just like your ninja type KGB skills…

I’m verrrrrrrry flexible…

And I can look mean and stand-offish just like you…

We my dear are a perfect match.  Hell my sexy friend, we are, in addition to other commonalities, both 5’7. So please, pleeeeeeeease…send for me.  While I am an American through and through, I am a Cossack by inspiration.

And perhaps if you have me sent FedEx to Moscow and then marry me, our nations will have a common bond and we can all get along better.

I now this a hard move for you because you said the other day that American Exceptionalism doesn’t exist, but let me tell you…

Once you meet me, and marry me?  You will find that American Exceptionalism not only exists within my thighs, but more so...between my thighs.

Please Call Me, Mr. President of U-Sexy-Stan, callllllll me…

Schmoop

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Hey President Hassan Rouhani, the Matt-Man Wants a Persianpalooza With You!!

Cheeeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

As I am all about peace, and trying to end war and hostility around the world, I am writing today with an offer of a hearty handshake of friendship on one hand, and an olive branch in the other, both of which are directed at the recently elected President of Iran, Hassan Rouhani.

So in order to help our two nations and indeed the world get along better, here is an open letter to President Hassan Rouhani…

Dear President Rouhani,

My name is Matt Mahoney and I live in Springfield, Ohio, U.S.A.

A few years ago when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad came to the U.S. to speak at Columbia University, I sent him a letter asking if I could go back to Iran with him in order to help build a more pleasant relationship between our two countries.

You know…

Just me, a typical American coming to Iran in order to speak with and “kick it” with typical Iranians for a few days to show that we Americans are not all that different from you Iranians.

Alas…

My letter to Dour-Looking, Sawed Off, Members Only Jacket Wearing President Ahmadinejad fell upon deaf ears and was totally ignored.  I was, as we say here in the States, a bit miffed.  I would ask you why he always seems so angry, but I gather it’s because he is only 5’2” tall, and well…I’d be angry too.

So, anyhoo…

I think you and I would get along well together.  Sure, you are 64 years old, and I’m 48, but listen my new buddy, I have brothers and sisters your age, and older.  I am more than adept at relating to, and with, your wacky sexagenarian sub-culture.

And plus, look at you and me…

I have a buzzed head and wear an earring, and you have an ironic beard, and wear an understated, yet complicated turban.  From those observations as well as the number of microphones in front of your face, I surmise that we both enjoy walking our subtle, yet devil-may-care egos down the fashion runway of life.

Amirite!? Damn right, I am!!

You and I could go from village to village, town to town, college campus to college campus, and just engage with each other and the citizens of Iran, and bring our people closer together in the understanding that we all want to enjoy a world that is peaceful and prosperous.

In our private meetings you and I could make fun of our nations’ allies.  I mean yes, we, the U.S., are aligned with the bland Brits and the milquetoast French, but your two biggest allies are led by a human freak show who rides shirtless on a horse, and a coward of man who gasses his own people!!

Don’t tell me that there isn't any common ground there, my friend.  Hell, I’m sure, if we put our heads together that we could come up with a joke that goes like this…

A Brit, a Frenchman, a Russian, and a Syrian walk into a bar, and the bartender says…

“Jesus Christ, how I long for a Canadian customer, at least they leave with a smile, and leave me with a tip.”

So…There you have it President Rouhani.  I am more than willing to leave my comfortable digs here in Ohio and help you to shoulder the wheel-barrow of peace and understanding that this garden of life so desperately needs.

If you are interested, let me know. You can always simply tweet me, because I follow you, and with all due respect, please allow me to say…

I dig your tweets.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Setting the Record Straight

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Over the last few days there has been a considerable amount of confusion over what IWS World Media has been up to the last week or so. Well, more than usual. So, I thought I would take a few minutes here today to clear everything up for you folks. Okay?

First, I want to make sure that everyone knows that Ryan Braun’s Matt-Man’s 65 game suspension from Major League Baseball for using performance enhancing drugs WILL NOT affect his appearance on IWS Radio or here on the website.

The main reason for this is that IWS doesn’t have any rules about PED use. Hell, we encourage it. Well, kinda. I mean, whatever makes for a good show or blog post, right? We’re a results oriented organization.

There has also been some misinformation going around about the Royal Baby. Yesterday, some outlets reported yesterday that THIS was the new heir to the British Throne …

Well, it turns out that isn’t him. In fact, the folks down at Windsor Castle are in damage control mode because when people get a look at the baby there will be a worldwide scandal …

That’s right folks! Welcome Prince Vladimir! Oh man this is gonna be fun. I guess during Duchess Kate’s world travels she and Vladimir Putin’s paths crossed and that smooth sexy bastard did with one shot what Prince William couldn’t do with 100.

There is rumor out there that is true though. It is true that IWS World Media is branching out into the publishing world. Yes, we know that publishing is dying, but we believe there are still niche markets out there where one can make a living in publishing. Memoirs is one of those areas. The world’s obsession with celebrities and hot babes means that people WILL buy their autobiographies and we’re gonna corner that market. We even have one ready to go already …

That’s right! Supermodel Chrissy Teigen will be our first book published. Oh sure, she doesn’t really know about this yet, but she will soon and I’m sure she’ll be VERY excited!

However, it is NOT TRUE that this is MY first book …

I’m hoping to do something a little lighter and a lot less creepy for my first published work, I just haven’t decided what it might be yet.

Okay, so I hope this clears things up for y’all and there won’t be any more confusion.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

So Matt-Man Has Some Random Thoughts

So yesterday…

Jayman had some random thoughts, and I thought to myself, in a less than random manner, that maybe today, I would do the same.

So, heres goes…

I wonder if at some point while Trayvon Martin was on top of George Zimmerman allegedly wailing away upon Zimmerman, if he asked Mr. Zimmerman…

“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

What?  Too soon? Anyhoo…

Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, had a baby boy yesterday.  I hope that their son in honor of, and in solidarity with his grandfather Prince Charles, grows up to marry a man named Camilla.

I get off at 5 PM today, so you know what that means.  That’s right…I’ll be drunk by 7 PM.  Getting old does have its benefits.  Beer Buzzes come much more inexpensively.

I see that we are picking up a few more “likes” on our IWS Facebook page of late.  If you don’t like our Facebook page, you are a Communist and will spend the eternal afterlife in Hell being fondled by a bare-chested Vladimir Putin.  Uuch.

I had Johnsonville Cheddar Wurst last night.  They were delicious.  You know why?  Because what’s not delicious about cooked pig meat with cheese inside?  Nothing.  Yeah, it’s that simple.

Two of my favorite words are, “shenanigans” and “interloper.”  Is there a problem with that?  For your sake, I hope not.

In order to soothe racial tensions within this country, President Obama is spending a family vacation in Martha’s Vineyard.  The next stop along his, “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner Tour” will be spent hosting, “A Week of Skeet Shooting and Cocktails with Wayne LaPierre” in Roanoke, VA.

My right hamstring is killing me!!

My BFF Schmoop went to the Doctor for what appears to be the last time yesterday.  Her insides are fine, but looking at the rosy glow on her face, I think she may be pregnant…by HIM!!

If I was going be a fish of some sort, I would be a Killer Whale.  Even though they are menacing looking, they are friendly, and adorable…and no one messes with them, because they have “Killer” in their name.

If I wasn’t having brats last night, I would have had SPAM, but I wouldn’t have had it, because unfortunately, we have none on hand.  Mores the pity.

Yesterday, Jayman mentioned that he should have his penis post on here at some point.  When he mentioned that I thought I could do the same, however…

How’s my penis gonna do a sincere and articulate post when he can’t remember more than half of the places he has been?

I’ll just let my penis slumber in its old age and…Oh damn…I left a cigarette burning as I typed this.  Talk to you all later.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page