Netanyahu, The Dress and Giuliana Rancic ... Fuck 'Em All!

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! Dammit y’all! I was just sitting down an ice cold Pepsi ready to be entertained by listening to Andy Kindler on Alison Rosenis Your New Best Friend when I suddenly remembered that it’s my turn to blog. I never get to do anything fun! It’s so unfair man. And yes, listening to Andy Kindler on Alison Rosen’s podcast IS fun! Kinda. It’s more fun than watching the garbage that’s on TV. Well, it wouldn’t be as fun as watching some NBA action. Oh I better check to see if the Mavericks are playing on channel 32. Great, it’s a commercial. Now I gotta wait. Oh I know what you’re thinking! “Check the TV Guide” right? Well our TV Guide thinks we have Fox Sports Mid-South instead of Fox Sports South. So it keeps telling me we’re getting Oklahoma City Thunder games instead of Mavericks games. I don’t know why they won’t fix it. Yup! Dallas Mavericks vs New Orleans Pelicans coming up at the bottom of the hour! I’ve got eleven minutes to finish this blog post. Not sure I can make it, but I’ll give it my best shot.

So what else is happening? Not a damn thing! Well other than America being completely paralyzed by a dress. Half the country thinks the dress is white and gold and the other half thinks it’s black and blue. I think it’s fucking ugly. Any woman who would wear that dress has no fucking taste whatsoever. I bet world famous fashion blogger and my good friend Edita wouldn’t get caught dead in that fugly dress.

That thug Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is in D.C. to address a joint session of congress. Well, the ones who show up anyway. A lot of them are boycotting the speech. Some conservatives say that the people boycotting the speech should be executed for treason. That’s right folks. According to the Republican Party Vladimir Putin is the kind of guy they’d like as their President and Netanyahu is America’s real leader. I love watching republicans take sides against America all the time like this. It’s no wonder they love both Putin and Netanyahu so much. The two men are basically the same. I’m sure Rudy Giuliani is in D.C. offering up his services to Netanyahu right now. Rudy will take care of ALL of your needs Big Ben!

Speaking of people with names that are hard spell, are we done beating the hell outta Giuliana Rancic yet? I get that her comment about Zendaya’s hair was a little out of line and not funny, and she's really weird looking, but good gravy y’all! You people just jump all over someone and never let up. Maybe we should forget about Giuliana and look a little more into YOUR lives? Hmmmm? I bet most of you have said a dozen things worse than “her hair looks like it smells like week” this week already. That Fashion Police show is so stupid anyway. You get four white women of varying degrees of unattractiveness together to trash other women. Oh yeah, brilliant fucking idea. What a bunch of cunts those women are anyway.

Damn, well it looks like it’s time for the Mavericks game and I’m well over 500 words and I know you’re busy and long blog posts upset you people. So, I’ll just leave you with this … I fucking hate the Dallas Mavericks. That’s really all I’ve got. God damn I suck at this blogging thing. Oh well, maybe I’ll do better next time. (Don’t count on it.)

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Drugs, Sex, Masturbation and Meditation

Hola y’all! Oh look! It’s my turn to post again. That’s great. That’s just fucking great! I’m so excited. Can’t you tell? Is anyone out there? Helloooooooooooooo? Give me a sign if you are. Tell me how much you love me. Or tell me I suck. I don’t give a shit. Okay, that’s not completely true. Well it depends on who says it. Most people could say that and I wouldn’t care. Some of you would hurt my widdle fee-fees. Not that I don’t want people to be honest with me. I totally do. I just have to warn them that their constructive criticism might not make any real difference. I mean, just like the late, great Don Williams* once sang “We’re all gonna be what we’re gonna be … So what do you do with good ol’ boys like me?” Dude was a freaking genius!

Holy shit I’m like a quarter of the way through this blog post already. I don’t know why I complain about it so much. Shit is easy! Oh sure, I spend all day trying to think of something good to write about and then when I’m about out of time I just open up MS Word and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH all over the page. Maybe someday I’ll actually come up with something interesting to write about. We’ll see. I’m a busy man though, so don’t get your hopes up.

I’ve got all kinds of crazy ideas going right now. This little infection thing, even though it’s not really that big of a deal, has got me thinking about being more healthy and shit. I told you guys recently that I was down to just one Pepsi a day, right? Well, now I’m done to ZERO Pepsi’s a day. How ‘bout that shit? I might still have one on Sunday afternoons while I’m sitting around not doing a damn thing though. Sunday is kind of a free day. Anyway, no more Pepsi and now I’m instituting a NO MEAT night once a week for dinner! On top of that, I’m gonna start meditation. Martin from Martin’s Muffler and Meditation Emporium has done inspired me…

That’s pretty damn HAWT right there! You know, I really should vlog more. I think I’ve said I was going to a few times and I just haven’t. What else is new? But, that takes time and effort and I’m a busy man. And now if I’m gonna be mediating and exercising and maybe even taking up yoga and shit, I’ll have even less time. Not to mention the lack of energy from not eating meat one night a week. That could be a killer! We’ll see. I haven’t done any driving around videos in a long time; maybe I should do some more of those. Hell, I don’t know. I’ll think about it.

You know, I might need a whole new online persona. I don’t know what that would be. It’s all just so complicated. I mean, just being myself would be the easiest, right? Wrong! There’s nothing easy about that at all. Everything is just so complicated. Why is that? It’s totally not fair. Of course, now that I think about it, I pretty have just been myself online. Maybe that’s the problem? Maybe I have multiple personalities and don’t realize it? People on TV who have multiple personalities don’t usually know it. Of course, one of their personalities always ends up killing someone who I hope that isn’t the case.

Well, Monday Night Football is about to start so I’ll worry about all this shit another time. I don’t like to be distracted when I’m watching football. I need to be able to focus on all the stupid things that Jon Gruden says while also being annoyed that he doesn’t have an “h” in his name. That shit just pisses me off. By the way, this is why I opposed President Obama’s nomination of Jeh Johnson as the new Secretary of Homeland Security. He spells his name “Jeh” but pronounces it “Jay?” I don’t think so Scooter. They should do away with the Department of Homeland Security anyway. But, that’s a discussion for another time.

*Update: My apologies to Don Williams who apparently is still alive. My bad dude, I'm a huge fan.

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Friday Morning Musings

Cheeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

What a glorious morning it is here in Bagwine, Ohio.  Today is going to be sunny with a high of 80.  Perhaps the nice weather will lessen the stupid and rude levels when I go to work later.

Lately I have been seriously thinking about quitting smoking.  I am tired of listening to my chest sound like a phlegm filled percolator.

I got a nice sleep last night.  I think I got around nine hours sleep.  That rarely happens.

I don’t even know if I had any dreams.  That’s good, because the last dream I had, involved being chased around by a knife wielding midget all the while I was being mocked by a naked Florence Henderson.  What the fuck!?

I am enjoying an ice cold Monster Absolute Zero as I type this.  Schmoop picked some up 4/$5.  What a bargain.  That’s some well-priced caffeination right there.  Boy Howdy!!

My finger hurts.

I jammed my left pinkie right before our IWS Radio show on the 15th of this month.  It still hurts, damn it.  I don’t think I broke it, but great googly moogly it’s a wicked pisser…or something.

I have to record a couple of funny bits for Sunday’s show this morning.  It’s a good thing that I got up at 7:30 this morning.  Oh the pressure of being an international internet radio star.  Lesser people would spin out of control if they were in my shoes.

Can you imagine Ted Cruz, Harry Reid, John Boehner, and Nancy Pelosi going out for pizza?  They’d be unable to decide on which toppings to get, and just say fuck it and go home hungry.

Write it down folks…October 12th is a Saturday and Ima going to be off ALL day!!  That’s right bitches.  A day full of nothing but food, beer, and college football.  I will feel like a piece of shit come Sunday morning, but by golly…it’s worth it.

Ha.  I just heard that O.J. Simpson was caught stealing cookies from the prison commissary.  O.J. Simpson:  Running Back, Murderer, Cookie Monster.  Sounds like a great movie for the Lifetime Network.

Okay…I’m outta here.  I need to get recording and on top of that, my pinkie is beginning to hurt again.

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you Sunday on the radio.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Let's Get Random Y'all

Hola y’all! I don’t have shit for ya so it’s time for some random thoughts…

When are acid washed jeans gonna come back into style? I always loved those. What about parachute pants? Damn, my ass looked fine in those babies in ninth grade.

I’ve just about had enough of this temperatures in the mid-90’s every day crap. I should have a talk with Mother Nature and ask her why she’s fuckin’ with us like this. She’s probably just doing it to amuse herself. I can respect that.

Hold on. I’m going to get a sugar free Fudgesicle. Healthy ice cream!

I just watched the first half of the Eagles/Redskins Monday Night Football game. The Skins are trash. Holy crap they look as if they never had a preseason at all. Also, there’s an outside chance that Robert W. Griffin III isn’t really that good. At the very least he appears to be a paper tiger. Hit him a couple of times and you take the fight out of him. Time will tell I guess.

I’m so fucking tired of all the Syria talk. I was opposed to it at first, then listening to Obama and Kerry last week I came around to the idea, but then Pope Francis talked me out of it over the weekend on Twitter. Just kidding! I’ve been opposed to it all along.

            1. It won’t make a difference in terms of getting rid of Assad.

            2. The “mission” will slowly expand like it always does.

            3. I simply don’t have any faith in the Obama/Kerry/Hagel team.

RG3 just threw another interception. I’m telling ya, he might secretly suck.

I feel bad for Lady Ga Ga. She’s running around stark ass naked and nobody is even noticing her because of Miley’s shenanigans. Poor girl. I guess her only option is to have a three way with a dude and another chick on stage and maybe THEN she can get a little attention.

I’m down to only one Pepsi a day and it’s going great. I have one late afternoon while watching the Pioneer Woman on Food Network and that’s it. After dinner I have a glass of sugar free lemon ice tea which is downright delicious.

You may have noticed I’m trying to cut back my sugar consumption dramatically. It’s not easy but I’m working on it. My next target is to have something for breakfast better for me than Frosted Flakes.

I mentioned to someone on Twitter what a funny (“funny” = “stupid”) name Sloan Sabbith (Olivia Munn on the Newsroom) is, but I forgot how angry liberals get if you make fun of characters on their favorite liberal shows. Gotta always keep that in mind y’all.

Happy 1093^rd birthday Louie XIV!

I was thinking of previewing the 2013 fall television schedule but it looks like a big bowl of stupid.

RG3 just threw a second third TD pass of the second half. I take it all back. He’s pretty good.

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So Matt-Man Has Some Random Thoughts

So yesterday…

Jayman had some random thoughts, and I thought to myself, in a less than random manner, that maybe today, I would do the same.

So, heres goes…

I wonder if at some point while Trayvon Martin was on top of George Zimmerman allegedly wailing away upon Zimmerman, if he asked Mr. Zimmerman…

“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

What?  Too soon? Anyhoo…

Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, had a baby boy yesterday.  I hope that their son in honor of, and in solidarity with his grandfather Prince Charles, grows up to marry a man named Camilla.

I get off at 5 PM today, so you know what that means.  That’s right…I’ll be drunk by 7 PM.  Getting old does have its benefits.  Beer Buzzes come much more inexpensively.

I see that we are picking up a few more “likes” on our IWS Facebook page of late.  If you don’t like our Facebook page, you are a Communist and will spend the eternal afterlife in Hell being fondled by a bare-chested Vladimir Putin.  Uuch.

I had Johnsonville Cheddar Wurst last night.  They were delicious.  You know why?  Because what’s not delicious about cooked pig meat with cheese inside?  Nothing.  Yeah, it’s that simple.

Two of my favorite words are, “shenanigans” and “interloper.”  Is there a problem with that?  For your sake, I hope not.

In order to soothe racial tensions within this country, President Obama is spending a family vacation in Martha’s Vineyard.  The next stop along his, “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner Tour” will be spent hosting, “A Week of Skeet Shooting and Cocktails with Wayne LaPierre” in Roanoke, VA.

My right hamstring is killing me!!

My BFF Schmoop went to the Doctor for what appears to be the last time yesterday.  Her insides are fine, but looking at the rosy glow on her face, I think she may be pregnant…by HIM!!

If I was going be a fish of some sort, I would be a Killer Whale.  Even though they are menacing looking, they are friendly, and adorable…and no one messes with them, because they have “Killer” in their name.

If I wasn’t having brats last night, I would have had SPAM, but I wouldn’t have had it, because unfortunately, we have none on hand.  Mores the pity.

Yesterday, Jayman mentioned that he should have his penis post on here at some point.  When he mentioned that I thought I could do the same, however…

How’s my penis gonna do a sincere and articulate post when he can’t remember more than half of the places he has been?

I’ll just let my penis slumber in its old age and…Oh damn…I left a cigarette burning as I typed this.  Talk to you all later.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Jay's Got Some Random Thoughts

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! I don’t have any real topic for today so I’m just gonna type out my thoughts as they come to me for a while. I’m sure you’ll find them fascinating.

- These black bean fajitas were pretty damn spicy this time. Maybe I should have had some sour cream on with them to tone it down. Oh well, too late now. I’m gonna pay for this later though, I just know it.

- I better check my phone to see if anyone has texted me today.

- Nope

- I wish I could get a box full of grape Popsicles. Or cherry. Nothing wrong with the orange, blue or green, but I just prefer the cherry and grape. I better put “special order box of 200 grape Popsicles” on my “After I win the lottery” bucket list.

- Someday I should do a blog post from my penis. That would be hilarious. “Hi, I’m Jay’s Penis! I sure wish Jay would leave me the hell alone for a little while. He’s a terrible penis owner. You wouldn’t believe the places he has put me or tried to put me. *SHUDDER*”  Ha! Yeah, that would be funny.

- It’s a good thing I wasn’t around back in the late 1800’s in the Wild West. I probably wouldn’t have lived past my late teens. I’m sure I would have been gunned down by some asshole, which would have been okay since living in the South with no air conditioning would have sucked anyway.

- Welp. There went another Facebook “friend.” I don’t care about all the crazy-ass political crap people post all the time. I just scroll on by it. I have “friends” who are pretty damn serious about their partisan beliefs so there’s no reason to try to talk to them or argue, but the racists shit has got to go. Gotta draw the line somewhere.

- Gotta pee!

- I bet that if my penis really could talk that bastard would rat me out for everything bad I’ve ever done. Penises seem to be pretty disloyal.

- I need to get a can of mandarin oranges and freeze them.

- Okay, starting tomorrow only one Pepsi per day. And I’m not talking about drinking a whole two liter bottle and calling it “one” either. One can. I can do this. I know I’ve tried many times but dammit, if China can keep to their “one child” policy, I can drink only one Pepsi a day.

- I wish I had a swimming pool. Well not really cause I know I wouldn’t keep it up, but it would still be nice for a while until I got tired of taking care of it.

- I better check Facebook. Oh yeah! How YOOOOO doin’? I bet the only reason she hasn’t defriended me is because there are a lot of guys even creepier than me following her. That’s pretty scary.

- I suck at blogging.

- Baseball is stupid.

- If you’re a moderately decent looking woman who is willing to show some cleavage in your avi and tell gross vagina jokes all the time, you will be a superstar on Twitter.

- I’m going to take up running. Hahahhaha … No I’m not.

- “Oh, a storm is threat'ning
My very life today
If I don't get some shelter
Oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away”

Okay Mick, if you say so.

- Hahaha … Karen Gillan is bald? Okay, I guess I’ll use her pic for this post. I gotta put a hot chick on here cause that’s the rules or something. Besides, I have a reputation to keep up.  

- I need to start taking naps or sleeping better at night.

- You know what would be awesome? If my penis did a blog post and some chick’s vagina responded either in comments or on her own blog. Okay, maybe not.

- Well I gotta do laundry and then make sure that Rooster Cogburn saves Mattie Ross again on “True Grit.” I actually prefer the remake with Jeff Bridges to the original with John Wayne.

- Bye

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Also, it we celebrated the Summer of Love on IWS Radio yesterday. It was a laugh a minute (or so) as we talked about our lost loves of the past and some of our unrequited loves. Plus Bobby Kraft, Paul Piatt and Stubby Stonehenge chimed and we had a really great meditation session with Martin. Plus Jamie called! Okay, we got her on late, but still, she was there! We also yucked it up for a while over other stuff, so totally check it out!! 

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