Hot Sex is the Secret to Ending the Cold War of the Shutdown

Cheeeeeeeeers, and a Happy Tuesday to ya, Chuckleheads!!

Y’know?

I hate it when I have nothing topical to write about that excites me, but when I am in that type of pattern and just not “feelin’ it”, I try to think of things in general that excite me, make me mad, or more often than not, make me laugh.

I am burned out by the 24/7 news coverage of the Obamacare/Debt Ceiling/Government Shutdown impasse that is raging like an out of control wildfire burning slowly and painfully like an ember at the Millard Fillmore Perpetual Pyre of Obscurity, which of course is still open because it receives no Federal funding and well…doesn't really exist, but anyhoo…

The only redeeming thing about the incessant and repetitive coverage of this latest American political crisis, is the fact that cable news pundits, talk radio hosts, and viewers and callers of, and to, such media venues headline an all-star and Tony Award winning cast in the newest American stage comedy classic…

“Buffoonery, Hypocrisy, and Ideology on Parade!!”

Oy Vey folks!!  What the hell is wrong with these people on TV, Radio, and their audiences?

It’s as though the late Timothy Leary has taken over programming for every damn political TV and Radio show, and at the same time is the host, guest, and caller-in to every damn show!!

It’s cwazy, wacky and it’s making my head spin, making me laugh, and making me feel much better about myself than I ever had, well…other than that one time at Bowling Green State University in 1983 when I had hot post-Homecoming sex with a Republican chick named Ann Barlage. Mmmmmmmmm…

That was some hot bi-partisan sex right there boy!!  See, unlike the ideologues of today, both in the media and the Congress…

We reached across the aisle, agreed to disagree, and then filibustered the hell out of each other until the second Sunday in October sun rose, and while creeping through the blinds, dappled us, and the empty wine bottles, with her golden crepuscular rays that said unto Ann and I…

“Your motions were more than well approved by one and other.  Now go, and sin no more.”

See?

Why is it so hard for Rush Limbaugh to get along with Rachel Maddow?  Why is it so difficult for Sean Hannity to say that Joe Scarborough is not a RINO?

Why in the hell can’t Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin think of Barack Obama and Joe Biden as swell dudes?  And why can’t Rachel, Joe, Barack, and Joe think the same of them!?

Because people…A bitter, monocular, and turgid ideology is hard to overcome, but the answer is so simple, and that is what makes me laugh about all of this Obamacare/Debt Ceiling/Government Shutdown bullshit.

If like Ann and I, Limbaugh had sex with Maddow.  And Hannity had sex with Scarborough.  And then we made a porn film called, Ted, Sarah, Barack, and Joe, and What Harry Reid Saw, all would be right with the world, and America could move forward.

It’s not that hard, and ideally…Maybe if Joe Scarborough plays his cards right, he could have sex with Sean; Sean could get divorced as well, and Joe could make Hannity his third wife.

But…baby steps…Let’s just get America back onto the road to recovery for now, and think about the Irish nuptials later.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page 

Inside the Debt Limit Talks

Hola Y’all! Now that the big Fiscal Cliff fight is over, it’s time to move on to the Sequester and Debt Limit fights. This will run simultaneously with the fight over the nomination of Chuck Hagel to SecDef. Man, the republicans are pissed about this one. They can’t believe Obama has nominated a guy who had the temerity to stand up to Israel. ONCE! Monster!

Man, that’s we ever do in this country anymore. Fight. Fight. Fight! Luckily though, IWS World Media News Division has gotten a sneak peak how the negotiations are going to go. Check it out…

Obama: Thanks for being here today Mr. Speaker
Boehner: SPENDING CUTS!!! SPENDING CUTS!!!
Obama: We’ll get to that, but let’s do this in a more formal manner.
Boehner: SPENDING CUTS!!!
Obama: Look, if you want to make the opening offer, go right ahead.
Boehner: WE DEMAND SPENDING CUTS!!
Obama: You’ll have to be more specific. What do you want to cut?
Boehner: No YOU be specific! YOU propose the cuts.
Obama: I don’t want to make any spending cuts, so you’ll have to do it.
Boehner: SPENDING CUTS!!!!
Obama: Okay, fine. We'll talk cuts. How 'bout we start with the Defense Budget?
Boehner: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

*John Boehner goes off to have a good cry and a couple of drinks.*

Harry Reid: Good afternoon Mr. Speaker.
Boehner: SPENDING CUTS!!! SPENDING CUTS!!!!
Reid: Stop screaming John. Let’s do this the right way.
Boehner: WE DEMAND SPENDING CUTS!
Reid: What would you like to cut? Which programs?
Boehner: FUCK YOU! You propose the cuts!
Reid: No. You want them, you have to propose them.
Boehner: This is bullshit! You should have to.
Reid: But we don’t want spending cuts, so we don’t have any to propose. Unless you want to make cuts in the Defense Budget?
Boehner: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

*John Boehner goes off to cry and have a couple of drinks.*

Joe Biden: Hola Johnny-Boy! Mr. Speakerino! What can I do for ya?
Boehner: Mr. Vice President, my caucus is demanding spending cuts.
Joe: Okay, I knew you guys would want that. What do you want to cut?
Boehner: SPENDING YOU STUPID IRISH BASTARD!
Joe: Calm down J.B. It’s gonna be okay.
Boehner: NOT IF WE DON’T GET ANY SPENDING CUTS!
Joe: Well, make a proposal.
Boehner: NO YOU MAKE THE PROPOSAL!
Joe: What do you want me to propose?
Boehner: GOD DAMN SPENDING CUTS!
Joe: We don’t want to cut spending so you have to make specific proposals. Let's start with the Defense Budget.
Boehner: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

*John Boehner goes off to cry and have a couple of drinks.*

Mitch McConnell: Yes, Mr. Speaker, what is it?
Boehner: I can’t get them to propose any spending cuts.
Mitch: Did you push hard for any?
Boehner: OF COURSE I DID TURTLE BOY!
Mitch: That was unnecessary.
Boehner: SO ARE YOU!
Mitch: Nice comeback Orange Man.
Boehner: *sniff* *sniff* We’re supposed to be on the same side.
Mitch: Okay, I’m sorry. What did you offer them.
Boehner: SPENDING CUTS!!
Mitch: Hmm … That should have worked.
Boehner: IKNOWRIGHT?
Mitch: I guess I could make some calls and see what I can do.
Boehner: *sniff* You don’t mind?
Mitch: Not at all. I love bailing you out all the time.
Boehner: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

*John Boehner sobs uncontrollably while drinking Jim Beam straight from the bottle.*

Looks like lots of very mature and serious discussions about very serious issues. It’s tough for Boehner and the republicans though. They desperately want Social Security and Medicare cuts, but they don’t want to be the ones proposing or even voting yes on them. This is gonna be a tricky maneuver to try and pull off. Best of luck to them.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Making Deals and Celebrating Ramadan ...

Today on “I’m With Stupid” we talked deals. Lots of deals. We ripped on the ridiculous and almost completely fake Debt Ceiling Deal. With its Special Commission that will be created to make all kinds of recommendations to deal with the debt that will never be implemented and will be ignored. Hell, the whole deal itself will be ignored by the next congress when they do their first budget. Yes, as shocking as it might seem, our political “leaders” have just completely wasted 6 weeks where they could have been dealing with the fact unemployment is 9% with a bullet. I’m sure they’ll get to that whole “jobs thing” next NEVER. 

Anyway, after that we talked NFL deals. Great deals made by teams like the Eagles and devastating lack of deals made by teams like the Cowboys. Every year Cowboy fans think all the big free agents will come to Dallas just because they’re Dallas. And every year they go somewhere else. So sad. 

THEN we had a very special caller! Our very good friend and fan of the show Maniar, the Canadian Muslim called in! So talked to Maniar for a  bit about Ramadan and what it’s all about and that cool stuff. We’re a very educational show, you know.  So, let us take just a moment here to send out a big Ramadan Mubarak to all our Muslim friends all over the world! 

And after that we talked some MLB trades like the big blockbuster deal the Cardinals made for Octavio Dotel and how the Reds continue to prepare for the future. And then we filled in the final few minutes of the show with some other fun stuff. 

So, be sure to give today’s show a listen cause not only was it funny, you might learn a few things too.  You can listen right here on BTR’s Magical Mystery Player. And as always, we appreciate your listening! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Solving the Debt Ceiling Crisis ...

As we all know America is broke. And we are embroiled in a huge drama over the debt ceiling and how to deal with our budget deficit and eventually pay down the debt. And as usual, our myopic leaders are focusing only on taxing and spending. I say it's time to show a little creativity when it comes to this topic. So, I've come up with twenty easy ways to deal with the deficit/debt...

Sell naming rights to federal sites: “The CitiBank U.S. Capitol” or “The AT&T White House” or “The Google Supreme Court” or “The Wells Fargo Grand Canyon.” Shit like that.

Make people pay a “Cover Charge” to get into the country. Just like at a cool bar or club.

Congressional Bake Sale.

Set up stages with Go-Go dancers at each Gov't building and apply 50% of all tips to the deficit. PLUS? Lap Dances from members of congress, supreme court justices (SHAKE IT RUTH BADER GINSBERG!), cabinet members and congressional and white house staffers.

Dumbing Down Tax: Levy a substantial tax against the people who are contributing to the complete destruction of our society and culture by watching idiotic reality TV programs.

Elected officials can go on QVC and sell memorabilia.

Put a big jar on the counter of every convenience store in America with a picture of a sad, lonely and hungry child and a note saying “Help America through this difficult time by donating your change to help bring down the deficit.”

50% tax on abortions. Since there are apparently like 8 BILLION abortions performed in America every year, a big ass tax on those things would bring in some serious money.

Bono could host a benefit concert to raise money for the deficit.

Jerry Lewis could host a telethon over Fourth of July weekend to raise money. He could get his friends that everyone loves to see perform like Mac Davis, Andy Williams, Rich Little and Paul Anka to help out.

The govt could clean out the closets at the Smithsonian and hold a big yard sale.

Sell off some old cars and furniture the govt owns and take the proceeds from those sales to Vegas, put it all on Red at the roulette table and let it ride baby.

Create a whole new level of bankruptcy, Chapter 69, and declare bankruptcy under our new, very favorable rules.

Pay off the deficit with Monopoly Money.

Tell the Chinese “Okay, one game of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' for all the debt we owe you?

Tell the Chinese we had our fingers crossed when we agreed to pay off all the bonds they bought.

Drop a nuclear bomb on every country in the Middle East and produce a will made by the same people who created Obama's fake birth certificate saying that they all left all their oil to the US.

Have all govt officials wear fire retardant race suits with ads all over them when they go on TV. And replace all military uniforms with those same race suits.

Sell off some southern states to Middle Eastern countries so they can finally enjoy that “everyone has to live under strict laws based on religion” thing they keep demanding.

Just stop paying on the debt and refuse to answer the phone when a number we don't recognize comes up on the Caller ID.

So there you have it folks. Twenty obvious and easy ways to solve this whole “Debt Crisis” bullshit.

Jay

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws