THE OSU Uber-Fan Frank Blatz Is Befooted By Tragedy

Good Morning IWS Radio listeners, or in this case…readers…or whatever.

THE Ohio State University football uber-fan Frank Blatz here, with my take on the tragedy that has befooted itself upon our world in recent days.

Okay…so over in Iraq, I guess there is the group of hooligans called ISIS or ISIL or whatever…I wish they’d make up their mind as to what to be called…I think I’ll just from now on refer to them as Izzle.  Anyway…

Seems that Izzle is running roughshod over and through innocent Iraqians and has been and continues to blitz some group called the Yassidians who are looking for a little pass protection from the United States and a group of indigent Iraqians called the Curds.

I don’t understand why people have to hate on others.  I mean, maybe I’d know more about this situation and would have a clearer take on what’s going on over there, but the Big 10 Network doesn’t carry a lot of world news.

I do know that an American reporter type guy was beheaded the other day by these Izzle folks.  I saw the video.  It was nearly as disturbing as when Tim Krumrie of the Cincinnati Bengals broke his leg during Super Bowl XXIII, and it was floppin‘ around like a dead fish on national TV.

I actually was more disturbed by the video of the guy getting his head chopped off because he was a true American, and Tim Krumrie?  He played football for the University of Wisconsin.  So c'mon…there ya go.

Oh…And what is it about all this shit going on in Ferguson, Mo.? People looting, shooting, fighting, and what not.  Have people lost their minds?  I know that tragically, an 18 year old black kid got terminally shot by a white cop, but man…Can’t we let the justice system figure this out without burning down the entire community?

You folks in in Missouri need to figure this out pronto because THE Ohio State University football season is but nine days away, and I don’t want any of the games I watch being interrupted by BREAKING NEWS from Ferguson!!  If that happens?  I may come to Ferguson, Mo. and break a few windows myself, you SEC bastards!!

Finally…Here is without a doubt, the penintimate…um…penticular…wait…biggest tragedy of the day.

THE Ohio State quarterback and assuredly 2014 Heisman winner Braxton Miller, re-injured his shoulder and will be out for his entire senior season.  What the Hell!!?  Why does God hate THE Ohio State University? IT’S NOT FAIR!!  IT’S OUR TURN!!  WE ARE THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY!!

How are we to capture the Golden Fleece that is the Big 10 title with a red shirt Freshman named J.T. Barrett at quarterback?

The boy hasn't had taken a college snap and he will be standing behind four new starters on the O-Line. When we go to Michigan State J.T. is going to feel the same way a black dude in Ferguson, Mo. must feel…Like he is looking across the line and eye to eye with a line of angry, grain-fed white guys who want to rip his head off.

Let’s just hope it is quicker and less painful than the decapitation of that reporter type guy who was decapitated by that un-American Michigan State bastard of a basketball coach, Tom Izzle.

For IWS Radio this is Frank Blatz…

Lovin’ the Urban Meyer, and Smellin’ like Woody Hayes…

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So What Else is In the News?

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Well, let’s see what’s happening in the news …

- ESPN said they will not take disciplinary action* against on-air talent Stephen A. Smith after his offensive comments about women provoking domestic violence. Instead the network will punish Smith by forcing him to continue to have to work with Skip Bayless every weekday.

- Whoopie Goldberg said on ABC’s “The View” that people often believe they have some special right to tough or grab celebrities and that just isn’t right. In response to Goldberg’s comment, co-host Jenny McCarthy spent the rest of the show holding a finger two inches from Whoopie saying “I’m not touching youuuuuuuu …. I’m not touching youuuuuuuu.”

- A new poll shows that 86.5% of Israelis don’t want a ceasefire and want the IDF to continue its assault on Gaza. Further questioning found that most of people simply want it all done before the NFL season starts in September.

- This one time … at band camp … The director of the Ohio State marching band was treating band members horribly, berating them, calling them names, threatening them and knew about, but did nothing to stop a “highly sexualized culture” inside the band and … and … GOT HIS ASS FIRED FOR IT.

- Controversy erupted last week as Arizona became the latest state to botch an execution. Witnesses say that Joseph Wood “gasped and snorted” for more than an hour after the lethal injection chemicals were administered. When asked for comment governor Jan Brewer said “To be fair, I was gasping and snorting too. I mean, the whole thing was really pretty hilarious.”

- LeBron James announced that he will be going back to his old number 23 which he wore during his first stint with Cleveland. Former NBA great Michael Jordan announced the gives James his blessing to wear the number 23. Upon hear that, James said “Uh, yeah, that’s nice since nobody asked you.”

- On Sunday the New York Times editorial board came out in favor of the legalization of marijuana. The initial draft included a section that was not printed that basically said “Ohhhhhh these cupcakes are soooooooo good!! OHMYGOD! Maureen Dowd you gotta sprinkle some of that Cheetos dust on the vanilla cupcakes! It’s magical! Ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhh DOOOOOOOOD!”

- The White House is said to be “fuming” over Israel’s criticisms of Secretary of State John Kerry. Actually, they’re just embarrassed because it all started with the standard “Why the long face John?” Then it turned out his feelings had actually been hurt by Israel and now everyone feels bad.

- A new recommendation this week says that Orthodox Jews with herpes should stop applying “direct oral suction” to baby’s penises during the traditional bris. After reading this report another group recommended this week that NOBODY apply “direct oral suction” to ANY baby’s penis at any time.

- A Ukrainian woman named Ekaterima Parkhomento posted selfies on her Instagram this week claiming to be wearing eye liner she looted from the wreckage of fight MH17. While most people were outraged by Ekaterima’s actions they mostly all agreed that she looked really great and could totally be a model.

- Fox News reported this week that “illegal immigrants protest outside White House, with little fear of repercussions.” Said Fox News president Roger Ailes “it’s almost like this has become a free country with some kind of silly right to petition the government or something.”

- Former Ohio governor Ted Strickland tried to live on minimum wage for a week and found that he couldn’t do it. In his official statement Strickland said “Thank God this was just a political stunt and I’m not really poor cause that would suck so hard.”

- And finally Sarah Palin launched her very own internet channel this week. This will allow Sarah’s followers and fans unfiltered access to all her thoughts and opinions on the big issues of the day. The cost for access to the new channel is $99.95 a year or $9.95 a month. When asked about the pricing plan a spokesperson for Palin said “Let’s be honest here, given her history I would go with the monthly plan if I were you.”

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*Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, they suspended him for a whole week. Whatever! I’m not letting that ruin a good Skip Bayless joke.

If You're Happy, I'm Happy

Hola y’all! One of the things I tell people all the time is “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” I’m always amazed at how often people think I’m being a smart-ass or joking with them when I say that. It’s a little hurtful even to be honest with you. Why would people think I’m not being sincere? Why do people always think I’m joking when I’m being serious and think I’m being serious when I’m just joking?

ANSWERS! I WANT ANSWERS!

Actually I know the answer. It’s because most people are the opposite. They love it when others are miserable or when bad things happen to them and are themselves miserable when good things happen to their “friends.” I’ve never quite understood this attitude, but I see it play out all the time on social media sites.

Anyhoodle, as you probably know, I’m a pretty good sports fan. I have a few teams that I’m a die-hard fan of. I’m a fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, San Antonio Spurs, St. Louis Cardinals, New Orleans Saints, New York Knicks and the Houston Texans.

I really on have a few teams that I dislike and never root for: Alabama, Auburn, Duke, THE Ohio State University, Los Angeles Lakers and the Chicago Cubs. For the most part this is because of their fans more than anything else.

Generally the rest of the teams don’t mean much to me, unless I’m friends with someone who is a fan of a certain team. In that case, I generally root for my friend’s team to win because I want my friend to be happy.*

Hell, this weekend Arkansas lost to LSU in football, but I wasn’t that upset about it. That’s because my BFF, the lovely and talented Ms. Warrior_Kat is a HUGE LSU fan and I knew she would be happy that they one. And I like it when she’s happy, so that mitigated the disappointment in MY TEAM losing. (It also helped that Arkansas is a piece of shit football team and I already knew they would lose, but I was still happy that Kat was happy.)

I used to hate Notre Dame. I ranked them right up there with Ohio State and Duke when it came to rude, obnoxious, condescending and generally insufferable fan bases. And, I have an irrational a perfectly legit and reasonable dislike of Lou Holtz. But, over the years as Notre Dame has struggled, I’ve found their fans to be far less delusional than fans of other schools and pro teams when their teams begin to suck.

And, my good friend and lover partner in crime Matt-Man is a big Notre Dame fan. So, I’ve actually found myself rooting the Irish this season, which feels a little weird. If Matt wasn’t a big Notre Dame fan, I would have still watched them this season because they’re a good team and I would certainly be ready to root for them in the BCS Championship against Alabama! But, because he is a fan, I have actually rooted for them all season.

I know people have the exact opposite attitude. Or even worse, they feel the need to refer to everyone other than their team as the enemy and find a reason to HATE them and their fans. I have a former friend who is a former friend because she took this to real extremes over … BASEBALL! Yes, the most insignificant of all sports and for her everyone her team played was full of horrible human beings and the fans of her team’s opponents were all scumbags and whatever other names she came up with to call them. I just don’t understand that shit.

This “If you’re happy, I’m happy” attitude extends beyond sports too. That was just the best example I could come up with. I know a lot of people live pretty miserable lives and I guess that’s why they get so much pleasure out of bad things happening to others. I don’t understand why though, it’s not like it makes your life any less miserable for other people to suffer too. I guess getting pleasure out of other people’s misfortune is just a character flaw.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
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*This attitude doesn’t extend to politics though. While I feel bad for you if your team loses a big game and you’re down or sad, I can’t feel that way because you were hoping Mitt Romney would win. Sorry.

In other news we had a “Cyber Monday Extravaganza” on a special Monday edition of IWS. There was a minor technical glitch early on, but after we got past that, we had a pretty good time. So, check it out!

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Wisconsin vs. Ohio State...Badgers vs. Buckeyes...Brent Musburger is Lost in Zanesville

Hi Post-Secondary Education pigskin fans, Slyder Balzcock here for I’m With Stupid with your Weekend of Witches and Warlocks, gridiron preview…

It’s a big, spooktacular weekend of college football, and no game bigger than when the Wisconsin Badgers invade the sullied and shit upon horseshoe of the Ohio State University, but more on that later.

First up, in the Conference-USA...um...conference…

UAB blazes a beeline to Huntington, WV. in order to tangle with the ‘Herd of Marshall.

I don’t know about you, but I think that because the game is played at noon, even the West By Godders from Marshall won’t be drunk enough to stop the Boy Caught pass attack of the Birminghammers.

In the SEC, the ’Hogs of Arkansas invade Dudley Stadium in Nashville in order to take on the pesky Vanderbilt Commodores.

In order for a win from the Commodores, Lionel Richie will need to throw for 400 yards, beat down the Arkansas secondary harder than he did his ex-wife, and kick Nicole through the uprights. I hope the winds are favorable.

Navy is at Notre Dame this weekend which can mean only one thing…The Midshipmen of Navy will be getting their first look at women who aren’t dykes.

Tonight’s game is a match-up of the Indian Jesuses of BYU and the Nails in the Hand TCU’ers.

I think TCU will win because when you morph BYU and TCU into an anagram, it spells out, Buy Cut. 

Jesus wasn’t bought, but he sure as hell was cut. I predict the true Christians of TCU win by a trinity.

Lastly, before we get to the, Game of the Week…

The smart, white, and light skinned Afro-Americans of Stanford, travel to South Central LA to take on the drug-dealing, hubcap stealing, and noble in moniker only, Trojans of USC.

I’ll take smart, pasty white guys over nefarious heroin-shooting Black and Mexican-Americans any day. Stanford gets the win, but the USC players get the ladies.

As I promised earlier, my views on the Mighty Wisconsin Badgers coming to Columbus, Ohio to take on the Ohio State Buckeyes…

While the Ohio State program is in trouble, the Badgers of Wisconsin are still smarting over the loss to unemployed auto workers from Michigan State. It’s quite the eliptic condensed conair? (Ed.Note: use, conundrum; that means puzzle, Slyder.) conundrum.

Thanks Ed. Note, and on that note, ha ha, I will say this…

the Ohio State University blows…They blow like Moby Dick. The Badgers are going to destroy them…I mean…Here’s what the Ohio State players will look like when the carnage is over…

I know what you’re saying…

“Hey Slyder you’re from Ohio; you should root for the Ohio State.”

Let me tell you something…I’m originally from Idaho, and I hate potatoes. That tells you one very important thing about Slyder…

I don’t get the Value Meal when I go to McDonald’s.

This is Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field and headin’ for the showers.

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Brutus Buckeye Says: Ohio State Football Fans Suck !!

OH-IO and Go Bucks to all my Buckeye Nation friends. Brutus Buckeye here for I’m With Stupid.

Much like you Buckeye Nation, as THE adorable face of THE Ohio State University football program, I am not thrilled with the team’s 3-3 start, but well, by golly, there’s something I need to get off of my waxy, tannin-colored chest, and say unto you, the Ohio State Football fans…

YOU are driving me freakin’ crazy to the point where my nut is about to explode!! Could you please stop with the whining, the wailing, and even more so, the gnashing of teeth? Oh Dear God, the gnashing!!  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it's noisy.

You’re diving me human!!

What the hell is wrong with you people? Have you so little in your personal and professional lives that you must live vicariously through a college football team?

That was a silly question…of course you must. As head nut for this university, I have seen them all.

Men who feel worthless if OSU isn’t on top every week. Men who in fact tie their very manhood to the Buckeyes.

It’s as if for some Buckeye Nation men, that the length of their manhood in inches, is in direct proportion to the number of victories Ohio State registers in a season.

And right now? 

There are a bunch of scarlet and gray clad men roaming the streets of Columbus and elsewhere in Ohio, with three inch dorks…and feelings of inadequacy.

It’s okay guys. Brutus Buckeye understands, but seriously? 

It’s time to move on…time to grow up…time for you to recognize that THE Ohio State University is just another football program, not THE football program.

You need to realize that OSU will not be great every year, because well, look at the kids we recruit to play here. I know, you think that each and every Buckeye football player is among the elite, but truthfully?

Our football team is made up of players who were too slow to get recruited by an SEC school, and too stupid to get accepted to an Ivy League school. And really...

We should be thankful that we don’t let athletes like that fall through the cracks…In fact, we could rename the team, THE Ohio State Safety Net.

See? We’re not Notre Dame, Boston College, or TCU, yet we are doing God’s work, but as we are a public university, don’t let the ACLU know. Anyhoo…

You guys toiling through this delusion that OSU is the end all and be all of football have to admit…We’ve had some real losers grace the gridiron grass of the ‘Shoe.

Art Schlichter, Andy Katzenmoyer, Maurice Clarett, Terrelle Pryor…Jim Tressel. And hell, look at our suspended “superstar” wideout, DeVier Posey!!

Holy Cow, he was suspended for being overpaid for work he didn’t do, and then super-secret suspended because he kept on doing it during the initial investigation. 

It’s nearly inexplicable, however, it does explain my previous postulate that Buckeye players are too stupid for an Ivy League school, anyway…

While Posey does have some WR skills, the dude has always had hands like a clock, and his time has run out, as it has on THE Ohio State University.

Buckeye Nation, listen to Brutus…

I know that you never got to play football yourselves. I know you think that you know the intricacies of coaching football, and don’t. I know that many of you say “we” when you speak of the OSU football team even though you never even attended the university, let alone played.

I know that you live or die on the success of the program because your personal and professional lives suck. I get all that, but c’mon…

Together, we can get through this rough patch in our otherwise sad, sad lives and move on.

After all, looking at the rest of the schedule, IF we can beat Illinois this weekend, we have a good shot at going 7-5, and really…

Is walking around the streets of Columbus, Ohio with a seven inch wanker, all that bad?

Keep the faith…but not too much,

Brutus Buckeye

P.S. As I am but a jolly and endearing mascot, please direct all hate mail to Matt-Man @:

neshobadue@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS