Paybacks are Hell and Enemies Lists

Hola y’all! Wooooooooo Pig Soooooooie!!! Arkansas won their first round game in the NCAA Tourna … uh …. Oh yeah. That was an NIT game, wasn’t it? Well, so what! It’s postseason play and the Hogs are not only in it they’re winning!

What’s even more awesome is that Arkansas lit up Indiana State 91-71 and finally got a little payback against those dudes. Way back in the 1979 Midwest Regional Finals, Larry Bird’s Indiana State Sycamores defeated Sidney Moncrief’s Razorbacks 73-71 and went on the Final Four and eventually lost to Magic Johnson and Michigan State in the championship game.

Late in the game against Indiana State, Arkansas point guard Ulysses S. Reed (no really, that’s his name) was basically shoved to the floor by some Sycamore thug and the refs, who were DESPERATE to protect Indiana State’s perfect record and get the Great White Hope Larry Bird to the championship game called Reed for a walk. Then, as the clocked ticked down, some bastard named Bob Heaton shuffled his feet 37 times in the lane without dribbling and tossed up the most limp-wristed hook shot I’ve ever seen that somehow went in and the Sycamore’s won the game.

I was crushed. Devastated! If I ever run into this Bob Heaton fella I’ll probably kick him in the shins. Unless he’d like to come on IWS Radio sometime and talk about the glory days of college basketball before the shot clock and three point shot. If he does that I’ll at least consider taking him off my Mortal Enemies List. Well, I won’t take him OFF the list, but he will move down it.

Oh yeah! Just like Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang Theory I have a Mortal Enemies List. Wanna know who’s on it? Okay … 

1. Bob Heaton
2. Salman Rushdie
3. Mother Teresa (deceased)
4. Old Man Jameson (mean guy who lived behind me when I was a kid) (deceased)
5. Tabby Bundy (girl who was really mean to me in high school)
6. Billy Crystal
7. Ventriloquists
8. Carson Daly
9. The chick who counts down the time before the show on BTR
10. Guy Fieri and most of the hosts on Food Network
11. Holden Caulfield

The list goes on, but the hate really lessens after the top eleven. Please note that being dead does NOT get one removed from my Mortal Enemies List. Also, I stopped at eleven because odd numbers are on lots of other people’s Mortal Enemies Lists.

Damn, this turned into a negative post. I wasn’t really intending to do that. I just wanted to celebrate Arkansas’ victory over those bastards from Terre Haute. Oh well, I can’t control where things go once I get on a roll, right?

Oh here’s something positive! I got my laptop back! Oh heck yes! I called up Mr. Computer Fix-It Dude and was like “Hey, I was just wondering if my laptop is about ready or will you be keeping it for a FORTH WEEK?” Needless to say they could tell that I had run out of patience and they just weren’t willing to push me any further. Also, it was just about ready and they told me I could pick it up after 4 pm and they were sorry it took so long. Yup, once again, I got results without having to get loud or pushy. Let that be lesson to you kids.

Oh and Bob Heaton … I didn’t have to cheat either.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Gov. John Kasich Says, "Arkansas Sucks!!"

My fellow Americans, and especially my fellow Ohioans…

I come to you today on the webpage of IWS Radio in order to set the record straight about the Great State of Ohio after she and her citizenry came under a vile and vicious verbal attack yesterday by the Arkansas half of the IWS Radio tandem, Jayman.

Hi.  John Kasich, Governor of the Great State of Ohio here, but today you can call me…

Johnny Buckeye, the Stand-Up Comedian and today I am executive ordering a little rebuttal type ribbing toward those inbreds my friends down in Arkansas.

Now Jayman wants to get rid of Ohio by giving it to Canada.  He was nice enough to say that Ohioans who wanted remain part of the U.S., could move to Morgantown, WV.  I thought to myself…Why did he pick Morgantown, WV.?  And then it hit me!!

Morgantown is home to the University of West Virginia which just like Fayetteville, AR., houses one of the crappiest of college football programs in the country.  Jayman was simply going with what he is familiar with. O-Hiiiiii-Oh!!

In Columbus?  We have THE Ohio State Buckeyes, a football program that knows how to win!!

Jayman went on by spitting his venom upon the grand and historic Ohio cities of Cleveland and Cincinnati.  He referred to them as ghettos.  Ghettos?  Hell if you want a ghetto move to Arkansas and live halfway between the towns of Pea City and Gassville.  Talk about a filthy stench hole!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

I also notice that in Arkansas, they have cities named Stuttgart and Hamburg.  Hmmmmm?  Maybe we should have bombed the Arkansas cities of Stuttgart and Hamburg instead of the ones in Germany during WWII.  O-Hiiiiii-Oh!!

And Jayman lives in Harrison, a city that boasts a population of 12,943.  Ha.  Really?  That’s fewer people than I make in dollars in contributions during nine holes of golf.  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

Hey!!  What do you call a person in Arkansas that speaks perfect English, has perfect manners, and is married to someone to whom they are not related?  A tourist!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

On a serious note, however…Y’know?  Jayman’s post yesterday began around the tragic and terrifying kidnapping and ten year imprisonment and enslavement of Amanda Berry and the other two young girls.

Those young girls were forced to be chained against their will, have sex against their will, and sadly in at least one instance, become impregnated against their will by Ariel Castro.  And, as the Governor and Chief Comforter of Ohio, I have to say…

Here in Ohio, we call that a crime beyond all crimes.  In Arkansas?

They call that, one helluva rollicking good Family Reunion!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

I also find it funny that Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush 41, and Bush 43 retired to their home states after their Presidencies.  Bill Clinton?  Nope, he moved to New York all the while saying…

“Arkansas is a good place to be FROM!!”  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

But, as I keep this all good-natured, I have to say that I respect Arkansans, or Arkansawyers, or whatever the hell else they call themselves now, because they are part of the fabric that makes these United States of America great.

And seriously?  What would we do if we didn’t have Arkansas as part of our union, and our brotherhood, and our kinship?

Hmmmmm…Ha…We’d skip Wal*Mart and buy factory direct from China.  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

Thanks for your time ladies and gentlemen and remember there are only three things in life that matter…

Trying the veal, tipping your waitress, and passing draconian Right-to-Work legislation.

Peace Out,

Gov. John Kasich (R-OH)

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

Jayman is Ready to Lead the Hogs to Victory!

Hola y’all! As you may or may not know, the University of Arkansas is in the process of hiring a new head football coach. I don’t know what was so bad about the one they had, but I guess they felt the need to get a new one. Oh wait. I do know what was so bad about him. Never mind on that. Anyway, I thought I would use this wildly popular blog as a way of publicly applying for the job. I have many great qualities that I think the UofA should be looking for.

- I can spell both “Arkansas” and “Razorbacks” without any assistance.

- I can find Fayetteville, AR on a map as well as at least 12 of the other 13 teams in the SEC. I’ve never made any attempt to find out where Auburn is, so I would have to look that school up.

- I have a southern accent so I will fit in.

- I LOVE fried chicken and potato salad so I’ll have no problem going all the football banquets all over the state.

- As a world famous internet radio star, I have excellent communication skills and would have no trouble dealing with the brutal Arkansas media.

- I have the most sincere and undeniable dislike of the University of Alabama of any candidate for the job.

- I can be trusted not to embarrass the school by hitting on Erin Andrews publicly.

- I totally understand the whole four downs and 10 yards to get a first down stuff.

- I get the concept that credit cards are for school expenses and cash is for strippers and players.

- I would give much better advice on a color scheme for the new uniforms than the previous coach did.

- I’ll take exactly half of what the new coach is asking for. Half the pay, half the housing allowance, half the car allowance, half the bonuses, etc. (This excludes the health insurance benefits. I would have to demand 100% of that one. I’m sure you understand.)

- You won’t have to worry about me having an affair with some chick that works for the school or the Razorback Foundation as I’ll be too busy dating strippers.

- I can use my skills as the aforementioned international radio star to promote the UofA and all the players student athletes and get the UofA lots and lots of publicity.

- I have plenty of red shirts already so you won’t have to spend too much on my clothing allowance. But, I would like a really sweet pair of red and white checkered polyester pants like Lou Holts used to wear by in the 70’s.

- I’ve got all the football coaching clichés like “give it 110% at all times” and “we’re scrappy” and “we’re tough to beat” and “that guy is a threat to take it all the way on any play” and “we’ve got some good match ups we can take advantage of out there” and all the others down pat. The media will always get a good quote from me.

- Unlike everyone else I love that big, silly blow up hog head that the players come running out of before home games, so you don’t have to worry about my getting rid of that since it seems like the UofA’s top brass is totally committed to keeping it anyway.

- I can use my internet savvy and social media experience to knock down and/or start rumors on message boards as needed.

- If, after three years and several millions of dollars in salary paid, things aren’t working out, I will graciously and quietly accept a reasonable buyout and step aside for someone else. I think the guarantee of no lawsuits (assuming a fair buyout) is something that should take a lot of pressure off school officials and be my top selling point.

So, as everyone can see I am very clearly a legitimate candidate for this position. I can’t imagine why the UofA would pass an opportunity like this up. I will keep my phone close to me as I await Vice Chancellor and Director of Athletics Jeff Long’s phone call.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

If You're Happy, I'm Happy

Hola y’all! One of the things I tell people all the time is “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” I’m always amazed at how often people think I’m being a smart-ass or joking with them when I say that. It’s a little hurtful even to be honest with you. Why would people think I’m not being sincere? Why do people always think I’m joking when I’m being serious and think I’m being serious when I’m just joking?

ANSWERS! I WANT ANSWERS!

Actually I know the answer. It’s because most people are the opposite. They love it when others are miserable or when bad things happen to them and are themselves miserable when good things happen to their “friends.” I’ve never quite understood this attitude, but I see it play out all the time on social media sites.

Anyhoodle, as you probably know, I’m a pretty good sports fan. I have a few teams that I’m a die-hard fan of. I’m a fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, San Antonio Spurs, St. Louis Cardinals, New Orleans Saints, New York Knicks and the Houston Texans.

I really on have a few teams that I dislike and never root for: Alabama, Auburn, Duke, THE Ohio State University, Los Angeles Lakers and the Chicago Cubs. For the most part this is because of their fans more than anything else.

Generally the rest of the teams don’t mean much to me, unless I’m friends with someone who is a fan of a certain team. In that case, I generally root for my friend’s team to win because I want my friend to be happy.*

Hell, this weekend Arkansas lost to LSU in football, but I wasn’t that upset about it. That’s because my BFF, the lovely and talented Ms. Warrior_Kat is a HUGE LSU fan and I knew she would be happy that they one. And I like it when she’s happy, so that mitigated the disappointment in MY TEAM losing. (It also helped that Arkansas is a piece of shit football team and I already knew they would lose, but I was still happy that Kat was happy.)

I used to hate Notre Dame. I ranked them right up there with Ohio State and Duke when it came to rude, obnoxious, condescending and generally insufferable fan bases. And, I have an irrational a perfectly legit and reasonable dislike of Lou Holtz. But, over the years as Notre Dame has struggled, I’ve found their fans to be far less delusional than fans of other schools and pro teams when their teams begin to suck.

And, my good friend and lover partner in crime Matt-Man is a big Notre Dame fan. So, I’ve actually found myself rooting the Irish this season, which feels a little weird. If Matt wasn’t a big Notre Dame fan, I would have still watched them this season because they’re a good team and I would certainly be ready to root for them in the BCS Championship against Alabama! But, because he is a fan, I have actually rooted for them all season.

I know people have the exact opposite attitude. Or even worse, they feel the need to refer to everyone other than their team as the enemy and find a reason to HATE them and their fans. I have a former friend who is a former friend because she took this to real extremes over … BASEBALL! Yes, the most insignificant of all sports and for her everyone her team played was full of horrible human beings and the fans of her team’s opponents were all scumbags and whatever other names she came up with to call them. I just don’t understand that shit.

This “If you’re happy, I’m happy” attitude extends beyond sports too. That was just the best example I could come up with. I know a lot of people live pretty miserable lives and I guess that’s why they get so much pleasure out of bad things happening to others. I don’t understand why though, it’s not like it makes your life any less miserable for other people to suffer too. I guess getting pleasure out of other people’s misfortune is just a character flaw.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

*This attitude doesn’t extend to politics though. While I feel bad for you if your team loses a big game and you’re down or sad, I can’t feel that way because you were hoping Mitt Romney would win. Sorry.

In other news we had a “Cyber Monday Extravaganza” on a special Monday edition of IWS. There was a minor technical glitch early on, but after we got past that, we had a pretty good time. So, check it out!

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The Worst Blog Post Ever

Hola y’all! Man, I don’t know why everything has to be such a hassle. You might remember the ridiculous effort it took to just change out a burned-out tail light back in the summer on my car? Well, that thing is at it again, causing trouble. Now it’s the windshield wipers. What could be more basic than that, right? WRONG! You can’t just use ANY wipers. Oh no! The driver’s side gets a different size than the passenger’s side and apparently not too many people make any that will fit.

My plan is to try and find just the blades and see if I can rip the old ones out (they’re already ripped anyway) and then slide new ones in. But, we all know I’m going to end up having to get the expensive shit and use some stupid adapter to make them fit. Why do car companies do this? Can we drop another atomic bomb on Japan to make me feel better? Please?

It’s always the little things isn’t it? When big things happen, you just sit back, take it all in and then figure out how to deal with it and move forward. But, the little things? Things that should only take a few minutes out of your day and be simple that turn into huge half-day efforts full of running all over town and getting dirty? That’s when you have to keep your cool.

I really should work on that. Maybe I’ll make that my New Year’s Resolution. Or not. I can’t be bothered by shit like that right now, I’m too focused on getting ready for my big trip.

Shit. You know what? This is the worst blog post I’ve ever done. And that’s saying something too cause I’ve done some stinkers. I’m talking about my windshield wipers like y’all give a crap. I’m sure each of you are on the edge of your seat saying “Damn! Which company still makes wipers that fit your car? Hope it’s not Rain-X cause that’s some expensive shit right there. I know it isn’t Bosch cause they never make anything anyone needs. Or something. I don’t really know, I just read it on the internet.”

Yeah well, EXCUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEE! I live a very quiet and boring life. The only exciting thing that happened to me all year was when my apartment building nearly burned to the ground a couple of weeks ago.

I was originally going to outline my reasons for wanting Arkansas to secede from the union, but I don’t really have any. I mean, what would Arkansas do as an independent country? We can’t even field a decent football team. Our state army would get its ass kicked so fast it wouldn’t even be funny. Probably by Louisiana as they seem like the mostly likely to start some shit with other states that have seceded and are giving it a go as an independent nation. Then Louisiana would control our precious rice fields and they would get to export the rice to Asia and make all that money. Fuck that.

Unless we entered into some kind of alliance with Texas and they agreed to whip up on anyone who messed with us. That would be a pretty sweet deal. They probably wouldn’t do it. Texas wouldn’t get anything good out of it. What could we offer them? Not a damn thing. So, that whole secession idea sucks.

Oh hey! I’m closing in on 600 words. That means it’s time to wrap it up. You never want a blog post to be too long because people have really short attention spans. I mean, people are busy. Yeah, that’s it.

So what have we learned today kids? My car needs wiper blades that aren’t easy to find, little things get annoying really fast and Arkansas wouldn’t last two days as an independent nation. I’m pretty sure none of that shit matters to you, but there you go.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Be sure to check out the I'm With Stupid show! We're hilarious!

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Arkansas Moves Backwards at a Fast Pace

Hola y’all! Boy howdy things are just crazy these days. Check out some of the things I was just reading about today:

A republican over in Jonesboro, AR who has written a book in which he makes the argument that slavery was a blessing for blacks has a HUGE lead in his state senate race over his democratic opponent. He has also asked “when will blacks take responsibility for their own lives?” (Sounds like someone’s 47% video huh?)

Another republican over in Northwest AR who has publicly argued for stoning of rebellious children in accordance with the Bible is also cruising to victory. Children aren’t the only ones he wants dead though. He claims anyone who is convicted of any crime who isn’t “rehabilitated” in two years should get the death penalty. Oh and that all Muslims should be kicked out of the country.

Yet another republican is running in west Arkansas who has written a series of letters to the editor defending slavery and castigating Abraham Lincoln as a “Northern War Criminal.” His money quote was “If slavery was so God-awful, why doesn’t Jesus condemn it?”

Right here in Redneck County we have a real live white supremacist* running for a position on the Quorum Court. And we all know he’s going to win, don’t we? Of course we do. His primary concern is that allowing all these immigrants into the country is causing us to lose our “purity” and that whites are a superior race and all that KKK stuff.

And finally, I found out today that US Olympic high hurdler and hottie Lolo Jones is now a bobsledder! When will it all end???

I don’t know how much of this I can take. Okay, I can handle Lolo bobsledding. That doesn’t seem like anything that will hurt us as a society. It just means I have to put up with her hot annoying ass much longer than I thought I would have to. Why hasn’t anyone just given her a reality show yet? Sheesh.

Anyway, the steady march backwards here in Arkansas has turned into a dead sprint as every kooky weirdo racist freak is looking to get into elected office and the fine folks in these districts, specifically designed to elect such people, appear ready to oblige them. What a state huh?

And where is the Republican Party while these guys are heading for victory? Cheering them on and making plans to put them on “relevant” committees and such. Oh sure, publicly they’ve said all the right things and claim to have stopped supporting these guys. But, what a party does publicly and what it does privately are often times two different things.

After the initial pretend pearl clutching by the republicans things settled back down and it was business as usual. And of course you have lots of good and decent citizens saying idiotic things like “well, I don’t agree with him on those things, but I support his policies.” What fucking policies?

These positions they’re taking on slavery, race and gays ARE their policies. It’s their belief that these are the MOST IMPORTANT things our government should be focusing on. That’s because they truly believe that all of our problems as a nation can be blamed on blacks, immigrants, gays and women. If you get them back in line and suppress them, and just impose “God’s Law” then all our problems go away.

And you know what? We’re gonna find out in January when these people take their seats whether the Republican Party has adopted their views and will quietly help them push their agendas or if they will attempt to isolate them and their crazy, dangerous and offensive ideas.

I’m not optimistic. Nor should you be because this isn’t an isolated occurrence. It will all be coming to your enlightened,  tolerant community in the years to come too.

*Local races are here are technically non-partisan, but you can find all of Mr. White Supremacists campaign materials at the local republican party headquarters.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Open Letter to Frank Bonner

Dear Mr. Bonner,

Holaaaaaaaaaa! My name is Jason Adams AKA: Jayman and I, along with my radio and comedy partner Matt Mahoney AKA: Matt-Man would like to invite you to be a guest on our I’m With Stupid podcast.

As a fellow Arkansawyer (or Arkansan, if you prefer) I have been a big fan of yours since you played Herb Tarlek on WKRP in Cincinnati. I can’t tell you how much pride I felt the first time I watched that show as kid and saw that Arkansas Razorbacks coffee mug on Herb’s desk. I remember excitedly telling my mother to check that coffee mug and she too was very proud to see it. I think her words were “Hey! That’s pretty cool.”

Also, I was born in Yellville, Arkansas, which is, as you know, home to the annual Turkey Trot Festival and National Wild Turkey Calling Contest featuring the Ms. Turkey Trot and Ms. Drumsticks competitions. My mother, the JayMom, was actually on the Turkey Trot committee for several years and my grandmother, Nana Creta, was the Grand Marshal of the Turkey Trot parade in 2010.

I tell you all about that because every year up until 2011 they threw live wild turkeys from airplanes over the Turkey Trot Festival. This is something you probably already know and was the inspiration for the greatest episode of any sitcom in the history of television. That would be Season 1, Episode 7 of WKRP in Cincinnati  titled "Turkeys Away" where the Pinedale Shopping Mall was bombed by live turkeys and ended with Arthur Carlson uttering one of the most memorable lines ever:

“As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”

While I have continued to follow your career after your WKRP days, through Sidekicks, Just the Ten of Us, Saved by the Bell right up to today as I eagerly await the 2013 release of the feature film Living the Dream, it is your iconic role as Herb Tarlek that I truly love still today. I’m With Stupid internet radio show is broadcast LIVE every Wednesday at 11 am ET and Sunday at 12 Noon ET. The show is recorded and available 24/7 through the show archives. The show is also posted on our official website, Tumblr and Facebook page. It is also heavily promoted on multiple social media platforms.

IWS is currently the NUMBER ONE rated comedy show on Blog Talk Radio and our vast and diverse worldwide audience is growing by the day. We have consistently been in the top five of the comedy ratings for months now and have no intention of slowing down. Mr. Bonner, it would truly be the highlight of my internet radio career if you could find the time in your very busy schedule to come on our show. I know you get requests all the time and I know they can’t all be filled, but it would mean so much to me both as a fan and fellow Arkansawyer (again, Arkansan, if you prefer) if you could be our guest the I’m With Stupid podcast. If neither of our regular program times is good for you, we can do a special episode of IWS to accommodate you. I look forward to hearing from you and will provide the call in number and other details as soon as we are able to confirm your appearance.

Your biggest fan, Jason Adams

 Jayman

Jayman3768@gmail.com

@Jayman_IWS 


Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!

 

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Moms are Awesome

Remember when you were little? Really little. Like two or three years old. Remember how there really weren't too many cares in the world. You just played with your toys and ate and slept. Mom was always there to get your toys or talk to you or read to you and feed you. Then it came time to start preschool. Remember how you didn't really like this change in your schedule? How mom would take you to pre-school and leave you there with all those strangers and you’d cry. You wanted your mommy. But, then mom would always be there, every day to pick you up. So after a while you realized that mom was going to still be there. And you were going to get to tell her all about your day and she still fed you and played with you and read to you and everything was okay. Then you had to start real school. Again, this wasn't all that great of an idea. No more naps. No more half days. All day every day. And then things got confusing. Dad decided to leave. You didn't understand at all. But mom was there to explain it to you and help you understand. Again at the end of the school day there was mom. And she would still do all those great things and now you were learning to read and she would let you read to her. Then as the years moved along you started feeling like exploring a little further and further from home. But, when things got a little scary you turned and went right back to mom again. And you really still didn't have any cares. You watched TV, listened to music, and did you homework with mom’s help. Then you got into Jr. High. Now there were a lot of changes taking place. People were changing. Some for good and some for bad. Again, mom was there to help explain what was happening. Then school work began to change. You needed a bit more help and wanted further understanding of what you were supposed to be learning. And of course, there was the opposite sex. Mom was going to have to handle these explanations too. So now it was High School time. Now it was learning to drive. Lots of peer pressure. Lots of awkwardness. Lots of trouble with friends and the opposite sex. Again, you turn to mom for support. All the while you are pushing the boundaries. Seeing how far you could push things trying mom’s patience the whole time. Then it was college. College sucked. You came home two weekends in a row. You didn't admit to being homesick and you didn’t have to. Mom knew but didn’t say anything. She was cool like that. Then you decided you just couldn't stand college anymore. So you moved back home. Then after a while you decided to go back and finish school up. Mom was there to provide support and tell you that you can do it. And you did. And mom was so proud. And then you began making your way through the world and making your own decisions, some of them good, some of them bad. No matter what you always had that support there from mom. You always knew that if you needed anything or anyone you could just call mom.

Remember all that??

Yeah, that’s my mom. She’s awesome.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

And you can find out how awesome by listening to this week’s episode of I’m With Stupid where we welcomed the JayMom as our special guest. She was a great guest too! We talked growing up in Little Rock, Rock ‘n Roll, living in the wilds of Marion County, Arkansas, her opinion of the Republican Party, her love of Neil Diamond and so much more! So definitely check this one out!

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Near Death Experience Causes Some Introspection

Hola y’all! You don’t know how lucky you are to be hearing from me today! That’s because I had a near death experience Wednesday evening. We had a couple of big storms roll through and they either produced very high damaging winds or a wee little tornado!! The atmospheric scientists haven’t made a final ruling on which yet, but judging from the twisted metal that was once the sign in front of the mall I’m guessing tornado.

There were also a couple of other billboards and signs in front of businesses blown over as well as some telephone poles and other damage to buildings. There were no injuries though, so that’s good. The damage stretches from the post office (less than ONE MILE from me!) to Daylight Donuts to the mall and then to Golden Pawn Shop. That’s a pretty sizable debris field.

Anyway, I didn’t know I had a near death experience at the time. I didn’t even know there had been a tornado. All I knew was that I was sitting here happily listening to some Aisha Tyler’s podcast “Girl on Guy” and watching the Corgi Cam (Yay! Pupp-EEEEEEES!!) when BAM! the lights went out.

I could have sat here and thought about my near death experience I had I known about it, but I was more concerned with my dinner being ruined. I was only about 15 seconds into cooking my minute steak. Luckily my baked potato was done so all was not lost. It wasn’t until the next morning that I realized I could have put the minute steak in the still hot oven to cook it even with the power off. I’m easily distracted and don’t think of things like that until it’s too late.

After I finished my potato I opened the windows so I could get a breeze through the apartment even it wasn’t exactly cool. That’s when my neighbor came home. She immediately got on her cellphone to tell someone there had been a tornado. Then, my upstairs neighbor yelled “did you say tornado?” and they yelled back and forth for a few because walking down the stairs to talk is just too much freaking effort, I guess.

This is when most people would realize they had a near death experience, but not me. I was too focused on the horrible possibility of my two neighbors joining forces. The one next door has a VERY loud voice and a terribly annoyingly bad Newton County, Arkansas twang. The guy upstairs stomps around his apartment, apparently while wearing combat boots, at all hours of the day and night. He runs from room to room and then paces and paces and paces for hours on end.

I call them “Hillbilly and Leadfoot.” Obviously, these two coming together would be a disaster.

The power came back on around 9:30 and I was able to get online and see pictures of the damage and get some information from local news sites. That’s when I realized Matt-Man told me that I had had a near death experience. When he pointed that out I was like “Whoa! Dude, that’s right.” Then Matt-Man mentioned that near death experiences are pretty traumatic and I should take some time to think about how I feel about having one.

So, I started thinking about my life and if I’ve basically wasted it and if I had died Wednesday night how would people react and how long would it take people to even notice I wasn’t there anymore and all that stuff. Then I thought that I can’t die now cause there are still too many of y’all I want to see naked meet in person and hug and hang out with. It was all getting pretty deep for a while, but I suddenly remembered to check and make sure that my ice cream sandwiches didn’t melt during the power outage and after I ate one I had totally lost my train of thought.

Oh well, some other time I guess.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Arkansas HAD to Fire Bobby Petrino

Hola sports fans desperate for a winning program! One of the biggest trends in college athletics right now is building statues. Alabama has a statue of Bear Bryant AND they recently built one for current head football coach Nick Saban. Penn State has one of Joe Paterno, but it didn’t seem all that realistic for some reason. So, they fixed that by turning it 180 degrees so it would be looking the other way. Hey-OOOOOOOOOO!

So, I’m going to propose that my alma mater the University of Arkansas commission two statues to place out front of Razorback Stadium. They will be twin rednecks wearing overalls and Hog Hats and they will be depicted with their hands in the air Calling the Hogs. We can then name them “Denial” and “Delusion.”

Let me get this straight Hog Fans. Bobby Petrino wrecks his motorcycle, lies to his boss and the whole state about there not being a passenger, allows the UofA to tell everyone that, says it again in his press conference (more or less) and then hangs on to the lie until 20 minutes before the state police report is going to made public? Then, we find out that the 25 year old hottie riding with him is his mistress? And THEN we find out that Bobby had just given his mistress a job in the football program that reports directly to him only eight days earlier? A job that 159 applicants?? And that Petrino gave this chick $20,000 in cash?? And your response to all this is to say “But, he’s a winner! We can’t fire him!!!” Really?

Hell, they even set up a Facebook fan support page for Bobby which reads in part: “Support our Coach! HOG NATION ban together and Support Coach Bobby Petrino!!”

Really guys? “Ban” together? Come on!

They held a rally in Fayetteville Monday night to show their support for Bobby. Check out the sign one cat brought to the event…

Ha! Now that’s cute. I’m guessing he’s single. The Facebook page has 22,000 “likes” but barely 200 showed up for the rally? That’s because 21,800 men couldn't come up with a good excuse to leave the house Monday night that their wives would have accepted.

Is our inferiority complex such that we’re really going to rally around this guy? Are we so desperate for a winning football program that we’re going to just sit back and let this go? You people are out there saying we “OWE” Bobby Petrino our support. Yeah, well what does he “owe” us? What does he “owe” the UofA and athletic director Jeff Long?

Arkansas fans are so delusional and desperate and have so tied up their own self-worth in the success of a football team that they are in complete denial about Petrino and what has happened here. Hell, most of them are ignoring the lies, cover ups, payoffs and job and saying stupid things like “It’s none of our business if Petrino had an affair and it’s certainly no reason to fire a man!” Or worse, some are still trying to claim that Petrino is a “Good and Decent CHRISTIAN man.”

Unlike these people, while I certainly support and root for the Hogs, I’m not suffering from battered wife syndrome and don’t feel the need to desperately hang onto a coach just because he wins games and ignore all the other crap that he did and that you KNOW would happen again. Where is your pride Arkansas? You people trying to convince me this is no big deal and Petrino is a good man need to GTFO of here.

And so does Bobby Petrino.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

I'm So Going to Heaven

Hola bitches and welcome to the further adventures with my mother’s friend M.E. You remember M.E. from Thanksgiving, right? Well after a year of talking about it M.E. finally decided to get a laptop computer. She hasn’t ever used a computer before in her life. Okay, she did use a computer in a very limited manner back in the early 90’s, but that doesn’t really count.

Oh, and she’s never been on the internet either. Of course, she’s pretty sure she knows all about the net and … it’s the devil. But, she’s ready to take on the devil anyway. She asked me to go with her Walmart to get a laptop and “whatever else I’m going to need.”

Surprisingly enough Walmart wasn’t too difficult. We had a short discussion about whether she needed a desktop or laptop …

M.E: “I’m pretty sure I want a laptop.”
Jay: “They both have their pros and cons.”
M.E: “I think I’ll put it on the desk in the spare bedroom because there’s no TV in there.”
Jay: “So you want a desktop?”
M.E: “No, because I want to use it in the living room and downstairs.”
Jay: “Uh you just said … okay.”

So, we get her an HP laptop, a wireless router, a mouse and she also finds this portable tray that she thinks she’ll put the laptop on. It went smooth, no arguments or strange questions. Then we get back here so I can set her laptop up and show her a few things and get it registered for her. She also called the cable company and they will be out next Thursday to turn on her internet.

I get the thing out of the box and go through the set up process and then I decide to show her the internet. I figured the best place to go to first would be YouTube which leads to this conversation …

Jay: “What is your favorite musical act?”
M.E: “Oh I don’t know.”
Jay: “Do you like Dean Martin?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Sinatra?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Tony Bennett?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Barbara Streisand.”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Willy Nelson.”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Miley Cyrus?”
M.E: “GOD NO!”
Jay: “Hey! That hurts! Rolling Stones?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Huey Lewis and News?”
M.E: “No … I just don’t listen to music at all.”
Jay: “Umm … Okay, puppy vidoes.”
M.E: “Puppy vid? … Ohhhhh they’re so cute!”
Jay: “Internet, M.E. M.E, Internet.”

Then I put some of the games icons on the desktop so she can find them easily and play games to get used to using the mouse and all that shit. As I putt the laptop back in the box so she can take it home and all that and I show her where to plug the mouse back in at and I say “since you’re right handed just plug it in on the left side and run the cord around the back.” She says okay and gathers her stuff and says she’s going to go home and will “practice on the computer.”

About an hour later she calls and says “How come just because I’m right handed that means I HAVE to plug the mouse in on the left side? That doesn’t make any sense to me.” I told her I was just doing what seemed most obvious and easiest to me and she could plug it into any of the plugs it will fit in. She said okay, but was clearly a bit skeptical that I wasn’t trying to set her up for something.

That’s how day one went. God only knows how it’s going to go from here, but I’m pretty sure this is going to get me out of God’s doghouse.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

--

In other news, on Saturday Matt-Man interviewed Jayman on I’m With Stupid Podcast. It was light-hearted yet thoughtful and at times deep. We talked about growing up in Arkansas, religion, politics, writing and all kinds of other topics that Matt probed. So, check it out. Matt-Man actually kind of made Jayman sound interesting.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

My Little Town ...

Last night on “I’m With Stupid” Matt-Man and Jayman took everyone on a virtual audio tour of our hometowns.  We talked about all the great sights there are to see.  Things like the hole in downtown Redneckville, AR and the gray beaches of the C.J. Brown State Reservoir just outside of Bagwine, Ohio. 

And we hit on a few other great things about our towns.  Jayman pointed out that in Redneckville you can grab the phonebook and find the local number for the KKK! How handy is that? Other great sites in Redneckville include “The Hole” downtown, beautiful Lakeshore Drive that stretches out as far as the eye can see for just less than one quarter of mile. Unfortunately, Country Time Jamboree has closed down, so live entertainment is limited to the Redneckville Not Ready for Primetime Players at the Lyric Theater.

Of course, Bagwine has its great sites too. As in the area where the Battle of Piqua! Currently the Clark County Fair is taking place and you can walk around and see every style of mullet there is. And Matt-Man also pointed out that Bagwine sports two … count them: TWO! Walmarts! Not to mention that included in the Bagwine Metroplex is the industrial wasteland of Dayton, Ohio. 

Also, we want to thank the Official Hot Mess of I'm With Stupid, Sunshine State Shirley for calling in. And then, as if there hadn’t been enough hilarity already, Mike called in! So, check the show out guys. It was a pretty damn funny 45 minutes this week. Well, every week is funny, but this week was downright jocular.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

In other news, the entire staff of the I’m With Stupid Media Empire would like to send out our most heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Amy Winehouse. Amy passed away yesterday tragically and we are all just devastated by her passing.  We discussed it and we felt that the best way to show how much we’ll miss Amy would be to name her this week’s IWS Babe of the Week. 

R.I.P. Amy. You will be sorely missed. 

Tea Party To The Rescue...

Well folks, the slow, steady creep of socialism, fascism and all kinds of other bad isms has finally made it's way to Redneckville, Arkansas. Luckily for us though, we have a very strong local chapter of the Tea Party to protect us. Even if it kills us.

Our county commission struggled for months to come up with a new insurance plan for the areas of the county that are in a flood plain. Well, each time they met, the Tea Party folks were out in force to make sure no Socialism happened. The end results of course, is that they never passed a new plan.

So now, thanks to the Tea Party, there are lots of folks living in the flood plain who can't afford or even get flood insurance. Yes, they are required to carry flood insurance, but the Tea Party believes that these people are better off without any insurance at all than being in some filthy govt plan. No, none of the Tea Party people who forced this on everyone live in said flood plain. Why do you ask?

Anyway, after the flood insurance debacle the leader of the local Tea Party, who I'll just call Mr. Napoleon because he pretty much declared himself Tea Party Emperor, sent out a warning to both the county and city governments that “We'll be watching you.”

I immediately offered to help him out with that. What with my expert stalking skills and all, but he insists that he didn't mean it “that way.” Obviously a guy with his kind of political talent would be perfect for Michele Bachmann's campaign.

Well, our European loving socialist-like mayor is at it again. This is the man who brought the devil's juice to Boone County Arkansas in the last election. That being the approval by voters of the manufacture and sale of alcoholic beverages. So, as you can imagine, Mayor Mussolini isn't exactly the Tea Party's favorite guy.

Anyway, our mayor isn't happy with the state of our garbage collection in town. He's unhappy because the company contracted to do it is inefficient and charges residents too much. So, he is proposing that the city take over trash collection instead of contracting it out. *insert ominous Imperial March music here*

Not only does this crazy dude want to provide a service to the residents of Redneckville more efficiently and cheaper, he has a really radical idea of how to do it. He wants to use …. get this …. federal grants to pay for the equipment and get the whole thing started!! GASP!

But wait! It gets worse! He says that the city's trash collection system will include .. wait for it …. RECYCLING!!!! Just like them Nazi's did!

Well, needless to say the local Tea Party is having none of this. It's bad enough that he's making govt work for the people, but he's using federal money to do it. AND we all know that ALL federal money comes from the stimulus.

Folks, this is a town full of decent people. We do all our stimulating indoors, at night and with the blinds closed like good, decent, God-fearin' Americans!! What will the children think if we go along with this crazy-ass plan?

Hell, the next thing you know, Mayor Mussolini will propose that we allow beer sales at public events like Crawdad Days. Or even allow for the sale of liquor by the drink in town. DURING THE DAY! And, he might even propose allowing beer and wine sales on Sunday AKA: God's Day.

Oh wait. He already has proposed those things. God help us. I better get out of town before we all get turned to into pillars of salt. What does everyone think that flooding this spring was? It was obviously a warning from God that he isn't happy with our quaint, pure and innocent little town being turned into Sin City by this atheist mayor.

Only the Tea Party can save us now.

Jayman

jayman3768@gmail.com

www.twitter.com/jayman_iws