Paybacks are Hell and Enemies Lists

Hola y’all! Wooooooooo Pig Soooooooie!!! Arkansas won their first round game in the NCAA Tourna … uh …. Oh yeah. That was an NIT game, wasn’t it? Well, so what! It’s postseason play and the Hogs are not only in it they’re winning!

What’s even more awesome is that Arkansas lit up Indiana State 91-71 and finally got a little payback against those dudes. Way back in the 1979 Midwest Regional Finals, Larry Bird’s Indiana State Sycamores defeated Sidney Moncrief’s Razorbacks 73-71 and went on the Final Four and eventually lost to Magic Johnson and Michigan State in the championship game.

Late in the game against Indiana State, Arkansas point guard Ulysses S. Reed (no really, that’s his name) was basically shoved to the floor by some Sycamore thug and the refs, who were DESPERATE to protect Indiana State’s perfect record and get the Great White Hope Larry Bird to the championship game called Reed for a walk. Then, as the clocked ticked down, some bastard named Bob Heaton shuffled his feet 37 times in the lane without dribbling and tossed up the most limp-wristed hook shot I’ve ever seen that somehow went in and the Sycamore’s won the game.

I was crushed. Devastated! If I ever run into this Bob Heaton fella I’ll probably kick him in the shins. Unless he’d like to come on IWS Radio sometime and talk about the glory days of college basketball before the shot clock and three point shot. If he does that I’ll at least consider taking him off my Mortal Enemies List. Well, I won’t take him OFF the list, but he will move down it.

Oh yeah! Just like Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang Theory I have a Mortal Enemies List. Wanna know who’s on it? Okay … 

1. Bob Heaton
2. Salman Rushdie
3. Mother Teresa (deceased)
4. Old Man Jameson (mean guy who lived behind me when I was a kid) (deceased)
5. Tabby Bundy (girl who was really mean to me in high school)
6. Billy Crystal
7. Ventriloquists
8. Carson Daly
9. The chick who counts down the time before the show on BTR
10. Guy Fieri and most of the hosts on Food Network
11. Holden Caulfield

The list goes on, but the hate really lessens after the top eleven. Please note that being dead does NOT get one removed from my Mortal Enemies List. Also, I stopped at eleven because odd numbers are on lots of other people’s Mortal Enemies Lists.

Damn, this turned into a negative post. I wasn’t really intending to do that. I just wanted to celebrate Arkansas’ victory over those bastards from Terre Haute. Oh well, I can’t control where things go once I get on a roll, right?

Oh here’s something positive! I got my laptop back! Oh heck yes! I called up Mr. Computer Fix-It Dude and was like “Hey, I was just wondering if my laptop is about ready or will you be keeping it for a FORTH WEEK?” Needless to say they could tell that I had run out of patience and they just weren’t willing to push me any further. Also, it was just about ready and they told me I could pick it up after 4 pm and they were sorry it took so long. Yup, once again, I got results without having to get loud or pushy. Let that be lesson to you kids.

Oh and Bob Heaton … I didn’t have to cheat either.

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Rodney Dangerfield Live from Heaven !!

Hey how you doin’? Rodney Dangerfield here.

I know… I know…It’s been nearly seven years since I’ve been gone, and my family is just now reporting me missing!!

I tell ya, no respect.

But I can tell you, that when I died in October of 2004, the good Lord brought me directly to Heaven.

Yeah, good Lord my ass…Five minutes after getting into Heaven, I met Jesus, and he made me wash HIS feet.

I tell ya, no respect.

On top of that, most people who come to Heaven come through the Pearly Gates…me?

The Godly Gargoyles unhooked the lock on the fence and said,

“Don’t let the chain link hit you on the ass.”

And then St. Peter said…

“You shouldn’t even be up here, but it was the only way we could get Sam Kinison to stop his fucking screaming.”

However…

Life is good up here for a Christ-Killing Jew like me. The first dead person I met was Joan of Arc, and I had to tell her…

“I bet you were smokin’ hot in your day.”

And then I saw Charlton Heston and screamed,

“Hey Chuck, Remember Me?”

I remember seeing JFK and Jayne Mansfield strolling hand in hand along the streets of gold and I had to ask…

“Hey Jack, who gave you a better head job…Jayne or Lee Harvey Oswald?”

I think some people find me a bit distasteful…God included. 

For example, when I arrived here in the Land of Milk and Honey…all I got was skim milk, and Nutella. I tell ya…

But…Compared to my days of disrespectation on Earth, life is not bad up here.

The hookers here in Heaven pay me to have sex with them. Sure, they still cry afterwards, but yours truly has a few dollars in hand with which to commiserate.

When I arrived, the Heaven Doctor didn’t slap my mother…He smiled and slapped my father.

When I strip in front of the window of my heavenly bungalow, I am not booed by a peeping Tom, I am booed by a Doubting Thomas.

And hear this…There is excitement a plenty here in Heaven.

Last week, Evel Knievel jumped not one, not two, not three…but ALL twelve Apostles.

It was exciting, but when I went to the post-show buffet, I was handed a carp and gar knish to eat, and told to clean the place up.

Because evidently, Richard Nixon who was here on a weekend pass from Hell, had thrown up all over Golda Meir.

I guess in Heaven…seniority matters.

This is Rodney Dangerfield live from Heaven saying…

Even in the eyes of the Almighty, respect is an elusive thing.

Ho-ah…You should have seen the woman that just walked by…I bet she was something before electricity,

Rodney Dangerfield