Drunk in Camelot...The Lost Kennedy

Hello, and I must say…

It’s finally good to meet you diligent readers of the IWS Radio website, and the rest of the world as well.

I know that you know my brothers, Joe Jr., John, Robert, and Teddy, but I bet you don’t know me.

Of course you don’t, because for years, I have been heaped into a burlap sack of obscurity, and thrown into the shadows of life like a bag of dirty potatoes with too many eyes.

I have struggled for years as to whether or not to open up, but, I have decided that I should, after Matt-Man asked me…

“Jesus Christ, dude?  Do you want to be forever known as the guy who outside of Nick Varano’s Famous Deli, screams day, by sad day…

Could you throw me a blintz, or a piece of pastrami; I’m a Fucking Kennedy for God Sakes?”

That’s right…I am a fucking Kennedy.

Sure, much has been made about my brother JFK’s robust womanizing, but my dad Joe?  Holy Cow!!

While unfounded rumors were swirling about Joe’s affair with Gloria Swanson, I was very much founded, and swirling around in Gloria Swanson’s uterus!!  And let me tell ya, that wasn’t so bad, but anyhoo…

Gloria gave birth to me, and yet?  I was looked down upon by the Kennedy clan, and seriously, I was taken aback.

So, that led me to thinkin’…

“Y’know…Teddy drowns girls in his car…Jack fucks anything that moves, and lobotomy girl hasn't a brain with which to think since she was 23, so why are they ignoring me?”

Well it became all too apparent in 2007, when Barack Obama decided to run for President.

My family, rather than acknowledge me, and send me on the path toward Presidential power, decided that maybe it was time for some low-down, low-key misanthrope to become President, because as we know, the Kennedys have that power.

All they really wanted to do, was to make sure that at some point. my bitchy cousin Caroline would become ambassador to Japan.  Well I guess that via de profundis, they fucking made that happen, those, Happy as Hell in Camelot fuckers!!

They’re all mostly fucking dead now, and yet, I still can’t get a break.

Jesus Christ, if I could resurrect, and then shoot John and Bobby, and then make certain that it was Teddy who drowned, I would.  I'd go Hyannis Port crazy in  order to get a mere inkling of public acknowledgement and/or praise!!

Fuck it…They don’t care…Kennedys don’t like the Swansons…and that’s okay, however…

Keep in mind Caroline…Just like the French love Jerry Lewis, the Japs love Gloria Swanson, or if not now, they soon will.

Uh-huh,

Durwood Kennedy

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

It's President's Day, Hail to the Chef!!

What better way to laud our Presidents than to create an Executive Office restaurant with a full menu of culinary delights in their honor?

So to wit, and heretofore…

Welcome to the best eatery anywhere…Air Force Yum.

Ready for breakfast? How about trying an Abra-Ham and Cheese Omelet? Instead of eating it along with boring slices of toast, try our Mary Todd Lincoln Crazy Bread.

If you phone ahead, you can even reserve the coveted John Wilkes booth.

Eggs not your first choice? Perhaps you are more of a pancake and sausage kind of person, and prefer JFK to Honest Abe. No problem...

Order a plate full of our Bay of Pigs in a Blanket. The cakes are fluffy and the sausage has a hint of Cuban spices. Bueno!!

You can always stop by for lunch as well.

If you like a good hamburger try our Cow-Vin Coolidge Burger. We cook the beef until well done so the meat doesn't make a sound. Silent Cal would have it no other way.

A well made Club Sandwich is increasingly hard to find, but not at our place. We use three layers of the best turkey, ham, roast beef, and the freshest tomato and lettuce in ours.

This is a giant sandwich inspired by a giant in American Politics, Franklin Roosevelt.

Order this, and the only thing your hunger will fear will be the deliciousness of our Cripple-Decker Club.

Maybe you’d like to nosh on a few appetizers. We got ’em. Try our Teddy Roosevelt inspired, Speak Softly and Carry a Big Fried Cheese Stick.

Another popular snack is our William McKinley Buffalo Wings. They are to die for.

Another appetizer was recently added in speculative honor of the man who may be elected President in 2016.  We are now offering deep-fried whale nuggets.  So ahoy and climb aboard, as you delight in our new, Crisp Christie Bites.

We have plenty of dinner entrees from which to choose as well. One popular dish is our Chester A. Arthur Mutton Chops. These mutton chops are big and delicious just like Chester’s…minus the hair.

Not a glutton for mutton?

A rising star on our dinner menu is the other white meat in the form of our uber-juicy James K. Polk Chops.

These chops are butterflied and stuffed with spinach, bleu cheese, and seasoned with copious amounts of obscurity. Who knew that our eleventh President tasted so good!?

We also offer tribute to former White House Wizard, George W. Bush. For a big, Texas-Sized appetite try our Iraq of Lamb. Upon trying this dish, President Bush said, “Dang, these is some good.”

We offer some great Italian fare too. Start off with our Benjaminestrone Harrison soup, followed by a James A. Garfield of Arugula salad, and top your repast off with our award winning Harry Trumanicotti.

Are you more a fan of seafood and Obama? We've got you covered. Try either our Oysters Barackerfeller or our Deep Fried Mishellfish Platter.

Ready for dessert?  Delight in our Andrew Johnson Impeachment Cobbler, Sherbet Hoover, or even our world renown Hasty Tasty Pasty Cakes in honor of our only gay President, James Buchanan.

Well there you have it, a menu fit for a President. And don't forget...

If you like the food here and want to come back again and again, sign up for huge discounts by purchasing our William H. Taft Frequent Diner Card.  And folks…

Celebrate President’s Day by having a cocktail at Air Force Yum, as well.

We mix blue vodka, a splash of sweet Vermouth, a dram of Manischewitz, a shot of ego, and voila…

Mmmmm...I love a good Bill Clintini in the morning. Happy Presidents Day!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Rodney Dangerfield Live from Heaven !!

Hey how you doin’? Rodney Dangerfield here.

I know… I know…It’s been nearly seven years since I’ve been gone, and my family is just now reporting me missing!!

I tell ya, no respect.

But I can tell you, that when I died in October of 2004, the good Lord brought me directly to Heaven.

Yeah, good Lord my ass…Five minutes after getting into Heaven, I met Jesus, and he made me wash HIS feet.

I tell ya, no respect.

On top of that, most people who come to Heaven come through the Pearly Gates…me?

The Godly Gargoyles unhooked the lock on the fence and said,

“Don’t let the chain link hit you on the ass.”

And then St. Peter said…

“You shouldn’t even be up here, but it was the only way we could get Sam Kinison to stop his fucking screaming.”

However…

Life is good up here for a Christ-Killing Jew like me. The first dead person I met was Joan of Arc, and I had to tell her…

“I bet you were smokin’ hot in your day.”

And then I saw Charlton Heston and screamed,

“Hey Chuck, Remember Me?”

I remember seeing JFK and Jayne Mansfield strolling hand in hand along the streets of gold and I had to ask…

“Hey Jack, who gave you a better head job…Jayne or Lee Harvey Oswald?”

I think some people find me a bit distasteful…God included. 

For example, when I arrived here in the Land of Milk and Honey…all I got was skim milk, and Nutella. I tell ya…

But…Compared to my days of disrespectation on Earth, life is not bad up here.

The hookers here in Heaven pay me to have sex with them. Sure, they still cry afterwards, but yours truly has a few dollars in hand with which to commiserate.

When I arrived, the Heaven Doctor didn’t slap my mother…He smiled and slapped my father.

When I strip in front of the window of my heavenly bungalow, I am not booed by a peeping Tom, I am booed by a Doubting Thomas.

And hear this…There is excitement a plenty here in Heaven.

Last week, Evel Knievel jumped not one, not two, not three…but ALL twelve Apostles.

It was exciting, but when I went to the post-show buffet, I was handed a carp and gar knish to eat, and told to clean the place up.

Because evidently, Richard Nixon who was here on a weekend pass from Hell, had thrown up all over Golda Meir.

I guess in Heaven…seniority matters.

This is Rodney Dangerfield live from Heaven saying…

Even in the eyes of the Almighty, respect is an elusive thing.

Ho-ah…You should have seen the woman that just walked by…I bet she was something before electricity,

Rodney Dangerfield