Weddings Don't Have to Be So Stressful

You know? There’s just no reason weddings should be so stressful. That was the basic theme of this week’s Wedding Season Extravaganza on IWS Radio. Matt-Man and Jayman dispensed all kinds of great advice for people planning a wedding along with some other stuff they needed to discuss …

BTR was in rare form this weekend with tech problems galore, but Matt and Jay improvised, adapted and overcame.

Matt-Man has been singing the new cash register blues down at the Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rds in Bagwine, Ohio).

Jayman had a rare deodorant emergency this week.

IWS Radio is HUGE in the Philippines and Filipinos are delicious.

Matt and Jay were both mostly impressed with American Pharoah’s Triple Crown win.

Food is a big deal at wedding receptions, but can you ever go wrong with pizza, chicken nuggets, jo-jo’s and brats? No, you can’t!

You need entertainment and for that you should turn to DJ Cheezy-B!

You need music at your wedding too. Be sure to avoid the bad love songs though.

Robert the Taylor brought everyone to tears with a beautiful love story.

Guy Ahnurdyck’s sister Flipper got married and Guy was there. Maybe.

Rev Moneymaker presided over Flipper Ahnurdyck-Twoinfro’s wedding. Maybe.

George is getting married!

Five Star Facebook Comment of the Week!

Sarcastic Sam is bitter and thinks marriage is a trap

Robert the Taylor made yet another appearance with a beautiful love song he wrote and performed.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadn so much more …. 

                             

Maggie Gyllenhaal is NOT too Old for IWS Radio!

Hey everyone! Maggie Gyllenhaal here to remind everyone to listen to IWS Radio this week! As you may know I was recently insulted by a typical left-wing Hollywood elitist prick. I was told that at 37 I’m too old to play the lover of a 55 year old man. Very hurtful! After I cried about this for a while I cheered myself up by listening to IWS Radio. Matt and Jay always put a smile on my face. Just check out what they’re up to this week ….

It's Memorial Day weekend y'all and it's time to get all somber and reflect on all those who gave all for this great country. They are the best America has to offer and IWS Radio truly thanks them for their sacrifice. Unlike the NFL we don't even have to get paid by the Pentagon celebrate America's veterans.

Memorial Day is also a great time to get some good deals on mattresses, sofas, cars, summer clothes and all kinds of other items you didn't even know you needed. What better way to honor America's fallen soldiers than by going out and buying stuff probably made in Asia and putting it on your credit card or financing it? We can't think of any either. That's what America is all about!

And it's the unofficial kickoff to summer! So get those grills out and clean 'em up so you can cook your hot dogs, brats and hamburgers. Matt and Jay might have some grilling tips for patriotic Americans looking to honor veterans who died in defense of this great country by getting drunk and chowing down on fatty foods.

Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf and the IWS Players will be here too. No telling what they've been up to this week, but we're sure it's something brilliant and appropriate for the occasion. Plus we lost David Letterman this week and Matt and Jay are devastated. They'll talk about their favorite memories of their friend and colleague and his life. All this plus YOUR CALLS at 661.244.9852! Do it for America!!!

WOW! What a show that’s gonna be. And the best part is that age is just a number to Matt and Jay. Everyone is welcome at IWS Radio. That makes me so happy! So, be sure to tune into “Make it a Memorial Day to Remember” this Sunday at 12 Noon! See you there!

Mary Magdalene: Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio Are The Holy Trinity

Hi All...Mary Magdalene here and I am soooooo spiritually ready to listen to Jay, Matt, and the IWS radio crew tomorrow.

Right now as I type this on a lonely Friday night, my boyfriend Jesus, or as you may know him, The Savior, is floating and flitting about in the great astronomical skies above us, but...

By the time you read this, he will be but one day away from returning to Earth and once again captivating our minds and imaginations...or something.

While I am waiting for my supernatural stud-muffin to return to Earth, I want to take a minute to tell you all to listen to Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team LIVE tomorrow from Noon- 2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Those two chuckleheads are funnier than watching a camel trying to pass through the eye of a needle...yeah, the bible is full of embellishments, but...and anyhoo...

Tomorrow is gonna be mostly about my boyfriend Jaycee and in fact, here is what IWS Radio says about tomorrow's show...

Jesus Christ has pushed away that stone and is roamin' free along the highways and byways of Galilee, so Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team are celebrating the Easter resurrection and rebellious nature of Jaycee himself. Joining Jay and Matt in this Easter party will be Rev. Moneymaker, Stand-Up Jesus doing his schtick at Ha-Ha's in Haifa, and we'll hear from Jesus' lesser known brother Festus Christ.

Jay and Matt will also be playing some awesome Christian music and some awful Christian music to get you toes a tappin'. They will also talk about what's on their Easter Feast menu and try to answer that age old question that has gone unanswered for centuries...

Why do so many Christians rudely celebrate the resurrection of a supernatural Jew by eating ham on Easter Sunday?

All of that plus your phone calls at 661.244.9852 as IWS Radio presents: Jesus Christ: Rebel Without A Cross.

So there you have it...Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio celebrating my boyfriend on Easter Sunday. Let's tell him that we love him, and listen LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET as Jay, Matt and IWS Radio present Jesus Christ: Rebel Without a Cross.

To listen LIVE click right HERE!!

Better Homes and Gardens: Your Recipes Make me Feel Like a Chef!!

Those of you who have read me for awhile, know that I love to cook. I enjoy inventing new dishes with whatever we may have on hand. I also like looking at cookbooks, and often, people will pass them along to me.

I was looking at one last night that Schmoop's brother had given me a couple of years ago. It is the gayest, most simplistic damn cookbook I have ever read. It was pissing me off that more than a few people certainly got paid to put this haggis smelling piece of shit together. The cookbook?

The Better Homes and Gardens Big Book of 30 Minute Dinners…

A third grader could have penned and published this roll call of remedial recipes. Now dig it...

Did you know that one can pop some frozen fish fillets in the oven and when done, place them on buns with tomato, cheese, and the condiment of one's choice, and serve them up as sandwiches for those, "hectic Saturdays?"

Looks yummy, and if I can overcome my fear of trying dishes, I may try to make one of these new-fangled, “fish sandwiches.”

I don’t know about you, but Schmoop and I are always disappointed that our breakneck schedules do not allow us to enjoy a good, steaming beet dish. Well folks, I am happy to announce that our disappointment has turned to joy thanks to Better Homes and Gardens… 

Instead of lying awake at night wondering when your next
sumptuous bowl of beets will tickle your palate, you can rest assured that a big bowl of Borscht is but 30 minutes away. Now in all fairness, there is one recipe in the book that I liked.

I have always wanted to have
sex with my sexy buddy Dianne, but never knew quite how to get her into bed. Better Homes and Gardens gave me the recipe and road map on how to do just that…

If only they had gotten the spelling of her name correct, and one other thing…It wouldn't be over in a mere 30 minutes. I would be slooooow cookin’.

Anyhoo…

I think it’s a shame that a book like this gets published, and more so that I’m sure people paid good money for it. Just throw a brand name on a piece of drivel and it sells…I joke about it, but it kinda makes me mad. Maybe I should write my own cookbook…

Because just like my Titaroni Pasta Bake that you see, at least the recipes would be original.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
Matt Man on Twitter
Matt Man on Facebook

It's Party Time Y'all!

You may not know this, but Matt-Man and Jayman are known as the Kris Kristofferson and Johnny Cash of BTR. HA! I'm kidding, actually they're the Don Draper and Roger Sterling of BTR. Okay, maybe not. They're the Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin of BTR. What? Yeah, I guess not. The truth is they're considered the Dylan Thomas and Hunter S Thompson of BTR. Or something.

Point is Matt and Jay are fairly familiar with the drinking culture and know a few things about hangovers and how to deal with them. They've got stories galore about epic partying and epic hangovers. There are several different kinds of hangovers a person can suffer from depending on what they drank and how much. Matt and Jay have experienced them all and are here to help.

Why are we doing this? Because Matt and Jay expect to be nursing some serious hangovers (Matt more than Jay) during the show because this is Matt-Man's birthday weekend. Not just ANY birthday though. It's his 50th birthday!! OH MY GOD HE'S AN OLD MAN! Anyway, there will be serious celebrating happening on Saturday.

PLUS, it's also our Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf's birthday weekend too! She'll be here to provide some much needed decency to the show.  You'll also hear from the Rev Moneymaker, Guy Ahnurdyck, Drew Peacock, Stubby Stonehenge and more of the IWS Players. ALL THIS AND YOUR CALLS! Call us up and wish Matt and Jamie a happy birthday. Or, call in and tell Matt just what you think of him. He's excited to hear from you.

So tune into "Sunday Morning Coming Down Hard" on IWS Radio this Sunday at 12 Noon ET!! 

Jay and Matt Are Talking Turkey and Shoving the Stuffing

It’s almost Thanksgiving and what better way to prepare for our nation’s feast than to talk turkey and gobble up some laughs with Jay and Matt on the IWS Radio Show?

Tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET, Jay and Matt will discuss Thanksgiving memories, pumpkin flavor overkill, and most importantly how to deal with drunk and/or judgmental family members who enjoy bringing others to tears during the holiday gatherings.

Jay and Matt will have the great debate…Green Bean Casserole, disgusting trash or delectable treasure?

All hands will be on deck as Bobby Kraft, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Drew Peacock, Rev. Moneymaker, Slyder Balzcock and the rest of IWS team talk about what they are thankful for while Joey Goodbar and Buddy Acapella sing the sounds of Thanksgiving.

All of that plus YOUR phone calls as IWS Radio kicks off the holiday season by plucking the birds, shoving the stuffing, and serving up the laughs as America celebrates Thanksgiving 2014.

Join us LIVE TOMORROW from Noon-2 PM ET as IWS Radio celebrates Thanksgiving with our Thanksgiving 2014: A Cornucopia of Comedy edition.

To listen LIVE (or later in archives) click HERE!! 

Memorial Day 2014...Click To Listen

Happy Memorial Day and dig it…

You all are in for a treat because not only do you see the beautiful pic of our incredibly to die for friend Tiff, our IWS Radio Memorial Day Babe of the Day to the right, but yesterday?

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team put on one helluva radio show, and you can catch it all right HERE.

No shit!?  It’s like…as we were dong it…it was recorded on Blog Talk Radio or something.  It’s fancy!!

IWS Radio celebrated Memorial Day without using this solemn day without turning it into our own marketing bitch for mattresses, liquor sales, or FOX News.

Jay, Matt, Joshua, Tammy Tibbles, and others, talked about how great America is, and how we mourn those who have passed on in order to secure our right to do an internationally famous internet radio show.

Now there was a bit of a hiccup on the show as an unscheduled guest chimed in.

The adorable TamiJ chimed in, and pontificated on Obama Care, Oregon politics, and read us her resume as well.

She quickly dispatched herself from the conversation once she listened to Slyder Balzcock read In Flanders Fields, making a mockery of the fallen soldiers that have…fallen before us.  So atypical of a self-proclaimed right-wing, God fearing, gun toting, Conservative.

Very sad, but worth a listen. Actually, Tami is very animated, cute, and entertaining, but we need to keep her in check.  She talks too much, too quickly, and unless she can prove otherwise in the future, wrong on every issue.

But all in all, yesterday’s IWS Radio Show was awesome.  The boys talked about the heroes gone by, and the burgers yet to be grilled.

It was the perfect blend of Memorial Day chicanery to the revelers, and Memorial Day honor to those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for this great country of ours.

So…

Today, while you are honoring the dead, and cooking up burgers and brats, listen to IWS Radio…

To listen, and spend part of your Memorial Day with us, click right HERE, or watch below...

Liver and Onions...How To Cook Them Well

Hi...Matt-Man here to tell you all how to make the most delicious dinner in the world...

And what you ask, does that consist of?

LIVER!!

Yep...there are a lot of you liver haters out there, and well, I say to myself...

You hate the government; you hate Donald Sterling; you hate yourself for not hating things in this world that you should, so...

YOU HATE LIVER!!

Actually...Liver is pretty damn tasty if you make it right.

First of all...Get some beef liver or better yet, veal liver, and soak it in milk overnight...

Next...Fry up some onion and mushrooms...

And then...

Let er' rip by throwing the organ meat of the sacred cow into a searing hot pan with the 'shrooms and onions...Make it scream for redemption from the Gandhi family...

Bake or deep fry some onion rings, and when it's all over?  It looks like this...

I'm not feelin' the love, because as I know most of you "normal" people do not like liver, however...I do, and there are a handful of us liver lover out there, so don't judge.

And to you liver lovers out there, I ask...I have more than enough for two, so c'mon...stop on by, and sample my liver.  You'll be glad that you did.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com

@mattman_iws

My Facebook Page

Matt Said Jay Said 3212104

Matt and Jay conversate while you get lost in their eyes.

Jay: HOW THE HELL ARE YA MATT-MAN?!
Matt: I really don’t think yelling is necessary.
Jay: You don’t?
Matt: No, it’s just a personal preference though.
Jay: Well, I want you to be happy so I won’t yell.
Matt: That’s nice, thanks.
Jay: So what’s for dinner?
Matt: NOT BREAD THAT’S WHAT!
Jay: Damn, that no bread Lent thing is a struggle, yo!
Matt: I’m either having an omelet or chicken nuggets.
Jay: Or a chicken nugget omelet?
Matt: That doesn’t sound good.
Jay: Well, it’s no TUNA PIZZA!
Matt: Hey now, that was pretty good.
Jay: I doubt it.
Matt: Have you ever tried it?
Jay: No, I have too much self-respect for that.
Matt: Oh I doubt THAT!

Jay: *tap … tap … tap … tap*
Matt: What the hell are you doing now?
Jay: Nothing
Matt: You’re doing something. I can hear it.
Jay: I was just tapping my pen on the desk.
Matt: Well you need to stop.
Jay: I’m burning off nervous energy.
Matt: Well, can’t you do that some other way.
Jay: I can, but I need something to do with my hands.
Matt: Ewwwwwwwww
Jay: You brought it up.
Matt: See if you can just sit still for a while, would ya?
Jay: I’ll do what I can.
Matt: Now I know why Mrs. Langston beat you with a yard stick.
Jay: Damn, that bitch was mean.
Matt: I’m thinking she had to be.
Jay: Well, maybe.

Jay: So what are we talking about this week?
Matt: Well, we’re kind of in a dead period.
Jay: Yeah, there’s not much happening.
Matt: I’m thinking it might be a lost weekend.
Jay: I’ve had a few of those, back in the day.
Matt: Haven’t we all dude, haven’t we all.
Jay: So that’s what we’re talking about?
Matt: Well, not THAT. Just kind of a hodgepodge of stuff though.
Jay: Oh, like March Madness, MH370, CNN idiocy.
Matt: Yeah. National Chip and Dip Day.
Jay: Sure .. Wait .. What?
Matt: Sunday is National Chip and Dip Day.
Jay: Well hell, we MUST celebrate that!
Matt: Right? Also, it’s the dog days of lent.
Jay: Yup. And I’m sure other news of the weird type stuff will come up.
Matt: We’ll here from Schmoop, Slyder and Paul Piatt?
Jay: Okay! Plus Drew Peacock, A movie review w/ Joshua aaaanndddd.
Matt: Some rockin' Aunt Jackie action???
Jay: Oh hail yes!
Matt: There will be no Tammy Tibbles though.
Jay: Damn. Hey! I could ask her brother Tommy if he could fill in!
Matt: Brilliant!
Jay: Or, Ma Tibbles if she’s up to it.
Matt: Even better. That whole damn family is talented.
Jay: It’s amazing!
Matt: And so are we!
Jay: Damn right!!!
Matt: This is gonna be HUGE!
Jay: I can’t wait!!

So, be sure to tune in to “The Lost Weekend” on IWS Radio Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!

Lent 2014: The Struggle is Real Y'all

Hola y’all! Man, I gotta tell ya I’m seriously struggling with this whole lent thing. If you listened to the show on Sunday then you could probably tell that I was anguishing over my decision as to what to give up for Lent. If you didn’t listen then SHAME ON YOU! This has seriously turned into one of the toughest decisions of my life.

As the show went along, it didn’t take much time or effort for Mat-Man and me to agree that we as a team here at IWS Radio should make some sort of sacrifice for lent also. The obvious thing to give up here is the gratuitous posting of pics of hot chicks just as click bait and having nothing to do with the subject we are writing about at all. Unless of course they are in the news for something special and get named “Person of the Week” today is the last day for that kind of thing.

So, that’s set and honestly, I thought that just might be enough for me. Sure, that’s not the biggest sacrifice ever, but it is something that means a lot to me and something I enjoy a lot. What’s more it’s something I probably SHOULD give up. Often people get caught up in the pic of the hot babe and they completely miss my brilliant blog post. That’s very frustrating to me and I think this will help me with that.

As we neared the end of another brilliant and entertaining episode of IWS Radio I settled on giving up junk food. Things like frozen pizzas, chips and sweets or whatever for lunches. Not a bad idea. Again, it’s something I should do anyway. After he should though, I started thinking that maybe there was something better to give up. I also got to thinking that maybe I wouldn’t do anything at all since I’m not Catholic or particularly religious.

The problem with that is I would feel like I let my friend and lover Matt-Man down if I didn’t do anything for Lent while he was giving up bread and pasta. Plus, he’s somehow convinced our good friend, the lovely and talented Tyla Kells to do the same thing he’s doing. Damn, now I feel like I need to support BOTH of them by giving something up.

This morning Matt-Man posted a pic of a bunch of junk food on his Facebook page announcing my giving up junk food for Lent. I cautioned him that I was still struggling with my decision and he reminded me that the Lord hates a pussy. He makes a good point.

So, I was about to go ahead with the whole junk food idea when my very good friend and crazy hot babe suggested that it might not be the best of ideas. This put me in a real quandary as I hat letting anyone down. This is why I try to keep expectations low! So then I threw it all out there on MY Facebook page hoping someone could come up with a better suggestion.

This resulted in some very interesting ideas. One of them was to give dehydrated cheese which would mean giving up things like Cheetos and Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips. This actually leaves the door open for other kinds of tortilla chips that I might dip in REAL cheese. Damn, that Knight is an amazing combination of brains and beauty. BUT, that’s kind of cheating, right? I mean that’s kind of like giving up Dominoes but still going to Pizza Hut. So then someone just suggested giving up everything orange. This was another brilliant idea which really works for me because I don’t wear hunting vests and have no intention of ever wearing an orange prison jumpsuit.

Other people suggested doing something good for society instead of giving anything up. Maybe not using any plastic bags or plastic containers for 47 days? This is a very practical idea and I kind of like it. The idea of bettering myself and/or doing something good for others is definitely keeping in line with Jesus’ teachings and makes it seem like more of doing something new rather than punishing myself.

So, decision has been made. I’m going to make Lent a positive experience by doing things to better myself as a person and do my part to make my little corner of the universe a better place. Damn, I feel good about this decision. It’s good to have it behind me. Thanks for listening to me ramble about it and thanks for all your help in making such a difficult life decision. You guys rock!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Super Bowl XLVIII...The Home Team Wins!!

We are but a mere five days away from Super Bowl XLVIII, so I thought that maybe, as I did last year, solicit unsolicited invites to the Super Bowl parties of others who would have never invited me in the first place…solicited, unsolicited, or otherwise.

See?  Last year when I pleaded for invitations to Super Bowl parties, I actually received a handful of invites, accepted one, and actually showed up to said event.

Sure, it was somewhat surreal and odd at the party when I showed up, but I had a good time, because I got to hang out with a friend whom I had
n’t seen in years.

I thought I would do the same thing this Super Bowl season, and maybe have two fun, spontaneous Super Bowls in a row…so, I posted this last night upon my Facebook Page…

Guess what?  Not a single invite, well…not a serious one.  Oh sure…

My friend, the wonderfully sarcastic and avid IWS Radio listener Tiffany, told me to come on down for her Super Bowl party, but of course, she only did that because she lives in Florida, and knew that she was safe from me actually showing up.

And then my nearly life-long buddy and IWS’ own Nurse Sherri, suggested that I party with our mutual Japanese friend, Saynora Tokahama or whatever.  The dude is pretty cool, but he lives in Japan.

Even if I could party and watch the game with him, as he does live in Japan, I’d be watching the Super Bowl on a Monday, and something about that just doesn’t sit well with me, and feels, well…downright un-American.

Well anyway, the bottom lie is, thus far I have not been on the receiving end of any party invites, so I guess I’ll have to watch the game here at home with Schmoop.  And, hey…don’t get me wrong!!

I love hanging with Schmoop Super Bowl night or any time of year, but getting an acceptance of my unsolicited invite to a Super Bowl would make me happy…would make me chuckle, and most importantly, would provide me with awesome blog fodder.

However, Schmoop and I will have a wonderful time this Super Bowl Sunday.

If we have the funds, we’ll order a pizza.  If not, we’ll make one ourselves.  We can make dried beef cream cheese roll-ups, and have pickles, cheese and crackers, olives annnnnnnnnnd, baked pepperoni.  Mangia!

And the best thing about staying home and watching the Super Bowl with Schmoop?

Probably as early as the end of the first quarter, we will turn off the game, crank up some tunes, drink beer, eat snacks, and goof on people and each other.

And really?  For most Americans, that is what Super Bowl Sunday is all about, having parties which surround a person with laughter and good friends.  The Super Bowl has become much more than a mere NFL Championship football game.

The Super Bowl has become the winter thaw.  A day when for a few hours, the soul-sucking, drab, monochromatic winter becomes a festival of watercolors in the shades of flashy uniforms, delicious junk food, funny commercials, too much beer, and the warmth of close friends.

And since Schmoop is my best friend, I guess watching the big game at home is where I should be, and who knows?

If I don’t have too much to drink, perhaps Schmoop will put on a halftime show for me that will rock my world.

Oh yeahhhhhhhh…

If I play my cards right this Super Bowl Sunday, Matt-Man is going to end up going to “Disneyworld!!”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Pizza Delivery Stories

Hola pizza lovers! Matt always has great stories about the morons who come though the Beer Mine all the time. That always gets me to thinking about some of the strange people that I delivered pizzas to back in the day when I was in college and working at a pizza joint.  So, I thought I would list some of them here…

- I delivered a large supreme pizza to some dudes in a trailer who had a HUGE pile of marijuana on the coffee table.  Also sitting there was a Glock .40.  The guy sitting on the couch looked at me and said “I guess you know that you haven’t seen anything here today, right?” And he gave me that knowing “we’ll come cut your balls off and stuff them down your through and then shoot you in the head” nod.  I was like “absolutely!” 

They gave me a $5 tip.   I’m pretty sure dudes with a table full of cocaine would have tipped better. 

- I once delivered a small cheese pizza to one of the richest people in Arkansas.  His house was actually outside of our delivery area, but you want to stay friends with people like this.  So, I got up to his ridiculously large house and before I could get out of the car I was face to face with a Great Dane. 

After about a minute Mr. Rich Guy came running out of the house and got the dog and said the dog wasn’t dangerous at all.  Anyway, I got out of the car and gave him his pizza.  Turned out he had a coupon for the pizza for only $4.99 (tax included).  He paid with a twenty.  So, I gave him a ten, five ones and HIS PENNY as change.  He took the money and his pizza and turned around walked into the house without so much as saying thank you or giving me a tip.

- I once delivered to a Days Inn and a man who was probably in his 60s answered the door naked. Lying on the bed was a naked woman about his age. They invited me to come back after I got off work.  I declined.

- I also delivered to a guy who looked to be in his 50s or maybe 60 at another hotel.  Lying on the bed in his room was a girl who looked to be a teenager wearing a half shirt and panties.  I’m pretty sure it wasn’t his daughter either.  They did NOT invite me back.

- I was offered drugs and/or alcohol in lieu actual money all the time.  The problem with that was that I would have to pay for the pizza myself if I accepted.  Well, until I became one of the managers.  Then, someone would come in and offer me a couple of beers for a pizza and I would say “sure!”

- I never once had a lonely MILF offer sex for pizza.  Or just sex.  Those porno movies are terrible the way they make everyone believe that happens all the time.  But, there was a girl who lived in the apt. complex behind the store who offered sex for pizza once.  She was all kinds of messed up and my conscious got the better of me and I just gave her a pizza and declined her special offer. 

- I did have guys offer blow jobs a few times.  Oddly enough they never offered a blow job for the pizza.  The always paid and then made the offer.  I declined, but it sometimes it’s nice just to be asked.

- The worst part of working there was the callers.  Every single day people would ask if we had wings, breadsticks, sandwiches or even pasta dishes.  We didn’t have any of those things.  We were a bare bones ghetto pizza operation.  We didn’t even deliver soft drinks. 

So, people would ask if we would pick up any of those things from another place on our way to delivering our pizza. 

“Will you get us some wings from somewhere else and deliver those too?” 

“Will you drive through McDonalds for my kids on the way here?”

“Will you drive through the liquor store for me?”

“Will you stop and get me cigarettes and/or a Coke on the way?”

Sometimes we would agree to do it, but those people almost never tipped. Man, people suck.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS 

Matt Said, Jay Said 10100111001

Matt: Cheeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrssssssssss!!!!
Jay: Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Matt: We’re so damn cool.
Jay: The nerds out there envy us so much.
Matt: Totally.
Jay: I haven’t always been this cool though, you know.
Matt: You don’t say?
Jay: I’m serious! I used to be a bit of nerd myself.
Matt: YOU? No way!
Jay: IKR?!
Matt: I’ve always been cool.
Jay: It shows.
Matt: That’s where all my self-confidence comes from.
Jay: The easy life of the cool people.
Matt: I wish you could experience it too.
Jay: Yeah, me too.
Matt: But the nerdy, uncool life has its own rewards right?
Jay: Not really, no.
Matt: Well, that’s too bad.
Jay: Thank you for your understanding.

Matt: So, what was for supper tonight?
Jay: Spaghetti!
Matt: Ooooooooo that’s good!
Jay: Oh yeah, whatchu having?
Matt: Frozen pizza.
Jay: Nice, Putting anything extra on it?
Matt: I might just have it as is out of the box.
Jay: Rare move on your part.
Matt: I like to mix things up a bit.
Jay: Keeps you from getting into a rut.
Matt: What did you have last night?
Jay: Fish sticks and a baked potato.
Matt: Great combo.
Jay: What did you have?
Matt: Sausage patties and scrambled eggs.
Jay: Oh yeahhhhhhhhh! Delicious!

Matt: You know what’s sad though?
Jay: What?
Matt: The box says serving size ONE PATTY!
Jay: Get out!
Matt: I’m serious!
Jay: Who do they think they’re bullshitting?
Matt: Nobody! They’re just being Provisionally Correct.
Jay: What losers!
Matt: More like Fascists!
Jay: Portion Size Terrorists!
Matt: Damn right!
Jay: This “Serving Size Recommendation” shit is outrageous.
Matt: It’s a threat to our very freedom as Americans.
Jay: We need to stand up to these people.
Matt: I think I’m thinking what you’re thinking!
Jay: We will discuss this outrage on the show Sunday.
Matt: Yes we will!
Jay: What else can we talk about?
Matt: Yom Kippur?
Jay: Call us up and atone people!
Matt: Hispanic Heritage Month?
Jay: I love Latinas.
Matt: Oh yeah!
Jay: OH! And the first ever CANADA REPORT W/ JAMIE!
Matt: That’s gonna be sooooooo hawt!
Jay: Hell yes!
Matt: And it’s National Farm Animal Awareness Week.
Jay: Hmm … Okay then: Food, Sex and Farm Animals!
Matt: Love it! Where did you get the sex part?
Jay: Food leads to sex.
Matt: Or is a substitute for it.
Jay: HA! Don’t I know it!
Matt: Poor nerd.

So be sure to tune into IWS Radio as we celebrate Food Sexand Farm Animals Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!

Grocery Shopping Rules

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa shoppers! If you listen to IWS Radio, and you damn well better be, you heard short discussion about grocery shopping during last Sunday’s Sexy Sexting Show. So, I thought that today would be a good day to give everyone a few tips on grocery shopping the Jayman Way.

Shower and Look Acceptable: A lot of people don’t bother showering or making themselves presentable when they go to the store. This is a mistake. Everyone you’ve ever known in your life will be there if you show up stinky and wearing your twenty-eight year old ripped up senior high t-shirt. It’s also possible that a cute little red head in nursing scrubs will also be there and you might get to take your chance at love just like Bobby Kraft was telling us all about on the Summer of Love show a couple of weeks ago. Worst of all, you just know the paparazzi will be hanging out in the parking lot to get pics of you. 

Menu: The best way to do grocery shopping is to know what you’re gonna need. The only way to know what you’re gonna need is to make a menu for the week. You know like baked chicken, mac & cheese and rolls on Monday, pork chops, baked beans and broccoli on Tuesday and on for the rest of the week. Same goes for breakfast and lunches. This way you know what to put on your …

List!! You can’t go grocery shopping without a list! The best way to make out the list is to think about the layout of the store you’re going to and make the list follow the layout. That last thing you want to do is keep going back and forth from one end of the store to the other looking for shit. The list keeps you from doing something crazy like trying to make up your menu for the week in your head. It’s all about efficiency. Most importantly, the list keeps you from just wandering the isles looking for stuff that looks good and you end up with a full cart and a blown grocery budget.

Multiple Stores: Speaking of grocery budgets, us regular everyday folks who can’t afford to shop at Whole Foods and get all organic everything sometimes have to go to two different stores to get what we need at the right prices. You know, like maybe go to Aldi to get boxed and canned items, sliced mild cheddar, frozen chicken tenders, paper items and shit like that.  If you don’t have an Aldi, then Walmart it is I guess. Then you have to go to a real store like Hudson’s Supermarket AKA: The People Pleasing Place to get your fresh produce and quality meats.

Salmonella’s no Joke Man: The most important part of grocery shopping is to make sure that cold items don’t get too warm and nobody dies because you don’t know how to handle your meat. First, you have to keep your raw chicken away from other items. The chicken should be wrapped in a plastic bag in your cart in case it leaks nasty raw chicken juice of death. Also, be sure to get your milk and frozen items LAST!

Once you get to the car, depending on how hot and humid it is during the dog days of summer you should put the milk and the meats in a cooler. If there’s room, some of the frozen stuff like ice cream should go in the cooler too. This way you don’t risk anything going bad or melting and you don't kill anyone. It’s a win-win situation. If you want, you can always take more than one cooler and put ALLLLL of your cold items in a cooler. That might be a bit extreme, but you can never be too careful. 

There are always some exceptions. If you happen to be at the store when they’ve got a big box of sausage patties for half price or maybe four 12-packs of Pepsi for $10, or bun length hot dogs for a buck or something like that, you gotta take advantage that shit. Otherwise, those are basically the rules. Happy shopping kids and let’s be careful out there.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

Emeril and Jay's Chicken White Bean Sausage Rice Stew

Hola and welcome to Chez Jay’s! On tonight’s menu is my version of Emeril’s Chicken, White Bean, Sausage and Rice Stew.

The first thing to do is soak the white beans for at least three hours. The longer the better though so I pour them in the pan to soak right before bed and let them soak overnight.

When it comes time to make the stew, pour just a bit of Olive Oil in the bottom of a big pot that’s been heated up on medium. Then put our four skin-on, bone-in chicken breasts seasoned with a little Cavenders (or Emeril’s Essence if you prefer) and maybe a little salt and ground pepper to taste in the hot pan skin side down. They cook for about 5 minutes or until they’re brown. Then turn them over and cook the other side also until brown.

Then remove the chicken and put about one pound sliced smoked sausage (or Andouille if you prefer) in and cook it until it’s well caramelized. Then throw in the chopped onion, green pepper and celery and let them cook until soft. Then some minced or chopped garlic. Only let the garlic cook for about 30 seconds or so cause you don’t want it to burn.

Now pour 64 ounces of chicken broth, the beans (drained), some thyme and a bay leaf in there and bring to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer or small boil and cook for ONE HOUR.

Now put the chicken back into the pot with all the ingredients in there getin’ happy! You can toss in a little more salt and pepper or more Essence if you use that or even Cavenders here if you want.

Cook for another hour then make sure the chicken is cooked all the way through and the beans are soft and tender. (If the beans are not soft, cook a little longer, but since you DID remember to soak the beans overnight that shouldn’t be problem, right?)

When the stew is done make some rice. I just use the minute rice, but you can make whatever you like.

Then serve the chicken and stew over rice and ... BAM! You have my version of Emeril’s Chicken, White Bean, Sausage and Rice Stew!

If you want, you can always pull all the cooked chicken breast meat off the bone and kind of shred it up and throw it back into the pot. Then toss some rice in there instead of cooking it separately. Maybe ½ cup? 1 cup? Not too much or it will soak up all your liquid! Then you could serve it in bowls like a real stew. Just play around with it and be creative!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

Exes Are a Pain in the Butt

Cheers and Happy Tuesday to you all. I’m trying really hard to be happy on this Tuesday, but man…

Some of my exes are really gnawing at the edges of my patience these days.

Quasi Ex-wife or ex girlfriends from my past, you ask?

Nooooooooooooo.

I am talking about ex-smokers, ex-drinkers, and self proclaimed, ex-food addicts.  Oy Vey!!  They are such an incredibly loathsome and insufferable lot.

First up on the wheel of annoyance, ex-smokers.  Do I know that I shouldn’t smoke?  Yes.  Do I know it’s bad for me?  Yes.  Do I know it ultimately killed my dad and will me?  Yes.

Do I need to hear all that on a daily basis from ex-smoking friends and ex-smokers whom I barely know?

Oh hell no, and Jesus Smoking Christ…!!

Their non-laconic diatribes about the evils of smoking don’t make me want to quit; their anti-tobacco pontifications make we want to fire up a Newport Red 100 so I have something to do with my hands which prevents me from punching them in their jabbering jaws of self-righteousness!!

Some go wayyyyyyy overboard.  I have heard thie following more than once…

“We’d like to cook out more often during the summer, but our neighbor smokes in his backyard and we can smell it.  It just ruins everything.”

Hmmmmm…A guy.  In his own backyard.  With a slowly burning Philip Morris product hanging from his lip…is ruining your weekend joy of cooking a piece of steroid-riddled red meat as you inhale the scented, seasonal, and life preserving fumes of Kingsford Charcoal!!?  Enough!!

Next up on the kaleidoscope hate?  Ex-Drinkers…

Drinking leads to no good.  Alcohol is nothing more than empty calories and heartache.  Maybe if your life weren’t so empty, you wouldn’t drink.  Ever heard any of that from an ex-imbiber?  Oh Boy!!  I have, and here’s the thing…

The reason that they are all over you, the drinker?  It’s because their life is damn boring without alcohol that they have to fill the void with going all Carrie Nation on you and others who drink.

Just as I have to smoke a cigarette in order to keep from punching an ex-smoker, some ex-drinkers need to keep their mind off alcohol by crushing the beer kegs of your personal freedom of swallowing down some Sweet Lucy from time to time.  Sooooo Un-American!!

Lastly and of special timeliness…We have the Queen of the Food Addict Court, the weight-loss crowd, and anti-obesity army, none other than MSNBC Morning Joe Co-Host, Mika Brzezinski.

Mika Brzezinski has a new book out called, Obsessed, which she wrote with fellow and collegial anchorwoman, Diane Smith.

The book describes Mika’s journey of binging and purging in order to maintain an “acceptable” TV weight, and Diane’s trip down the path of perhaps losing jobs because she gained weight.

Well, Mika is now comfortable with her weight and in her skin, and eating healthy…and Diane has lost many pounds and feels healthy as well.

That’s very nice, and I applaud them both.  However…

Mika the ex-food addict, just like the ex-smoker and ex-drinker can’t stop by only saving herself.

She frequently rails against the fast-food industry, supports Mayor Bloomberg’s fascistic food legislation, and nearly everyday at some point, says something on Morning Joe that implies…

“I have been there and I know better than you, and what you are doing is wrong.  Unhealthy food should be banned by the government because we have no control over ourselves.”

And yet…

Mika Brzezinski’s theory of government oversight on these things is shot down by the fact that, according to her book, she changed her life on her own, well…along with a diet full of vodka and Ambien, and I guess Diane Smith hired a personal trainer, to which of course we all have access.

Unbelievable.

I am glad that all the exes of whatever variety out there are enjoying their new found redemption, but seriously?

I lost a lot of weight a few years ago, and while I was doing it, I never cursed or berated someone for eating a triple from Wendy’s.  I was usually thinking…

Man, only twenty more pounds to go, and then I am going to have TWO of those!!

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Kentucky Derby, Cinco de Mayo, and Shenanigans

Cheeeeeeers and Happy Hump Day folks...

Y'know?  Yesterday Jayman railed against the sport that is horse racing, and tomorrow?  Our special blog guest Justin Henry will offer the opposite view.

In the meantime...

I am the Matt-Man, and I don't care either way; I just want to make your Kentucky Derby and Cinco de Mayo weekend well worth while...

Y'know?  The Kentucky Derby and Cinco de Mayo mean one thing...Party Time!!

And I am here to offer up to you some party faves...

Well, as it is not only Derby weekend, but Cinco de Mayo as well, let us blend a very fine food course along the many furlongs of life...

First take some biscuits and heavily butter them...

Add some beans, curn, tomatoes, and taco seasoning to the skillet...

Watch it cook, marinate, and otherwise juice out...

and then...brown the sausage...

Are ya feeling me yet?

And then throw it all together, cook it, and say, "Happy Cinco de Mayo!!"

Your guests will give you dos thumbs up!!

You can eat this treat while rooting on your favorite horse during the Kentucky Derby, in fact...the meat in the meal may be your fave Kentucky Derby entry!!  Score!!

Well there ya go...Some helpful culinary advice from IWS Radio.

Or something.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

It's President's Day, Hail to the Chef!!

What better way to laud our Presidents than to create an Executive Office restaurant with a full menu of culinary delights in their honor?

So to wit, and heretofore…

Welcome to the best eatery anywhere…Air Force Yum.

Ready for breakfast? How about trying an Abra-Ham and Cheese Omelet? Instead of eating it along with boring slices of toast, try our Mary Todd Lincoln Crazy Bread.

If you phone ahead, you can even reserve the coveted John Wilkes booth.

Eggs not your first choice? Perhaps you are more of a pancake and sausage kind of person, and prefer JFK to Honest Abe. No problem...

Order a plate full of our Bay of Pigs in a Blanket. The cakes are fluffy and the sausage has a hint of Cuban spices. Bueno!!

You can always stop by for lunch as well.

If you like a good hamburger try our Cow-Vin Coolidge Burger. We cook the beef until well done so the meat doesn't make a sound. Silent Cal would have it no other way.

A well made Club Sandwich is increasingly hard to find, but not at our place. We use three layers of the best turkey, ham, roast beef, and the freshest tomato and lettuce in ours.

This is a giant sandwich inspired by a giant in American Politics, Franklin Roosevelt.

Order this, and the only thing your hunger will fear will be the deliciousness of our Cripple-Decker Club.

Maybe you’d like to nosh on a few appetizers. We got ’em. Try our Teddy Roosevelt inspired, Speak Softly and Carry a Big Fried Cheese Stick.

Another popular snack is our William McKinley Buffalo Wings. They are to die for.

Another appetizer was recently added in speculative honor of the man who may be elected President in 2016.  We are now offering deep-fried whale nuggets.  So ahoy and climb aboard, as you delight in our new, Crisp Christie Bites.

We have plenty of dinner entrees from which to choose as well. One popular dish is our Chester A. Arthur Mutton Chops. These mutton chops are big and delicious just like Chester’s…minus the hair.

Not a glutton for mutton?

A rising star on our dinner menu is the other white meat in the form of our uber-juicy James K. Polk Chops.

These chops are butterflied and stuffed with spinach, bleu cheese, and seasoned with copious amounts of obscurity. Who knew that our eleventh President tasted so good!?

We also offer tribute to former White House Wizard, George W. Bush. For a big, Texas-Sized appetite try our Iraq of Lamb. Upon trying this dish, President Bush said, “Dang, these is some good.”

We offer some great Italian fare too. Start off with our Benjaminestrone Harrison soup, followed by a James A. Garfield of Arugula salad, and top your repast off with our award winning Harry Trumanicotti.

Are you more a fan of seafood and Obama? We've got you covered. Try either our Oysters Barackerfeller or our Deep Fried Mishellfish Platter.

Ready for dessert?  Delight in our Andrew Johnson Impeachment Cobbler, Sherbet Hoover, or even our world renown Hasty Tasty Pasty Cakes in honor of our only gay President, James Buchanan.

Well there you have it, a menu fit for a President. And don't forget...

If you like the food here and want to come back again and again, sign up for huge discounts by purchasing our William H. Taft Frequent Diner Card.  And folks…

Celebrate President’s Day by having a cocktail at Air Force Yum, as well.

We mix blue vodka, a splash of sweet Vermouth, a dram of Manischewitz, a shot of ego, and voila…

Mmmmm...I love a good Bill Clintini in the morning. Happy Presidents Day!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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