Steve Spurrier Chooses IWS Radio Over Football

Waylp y’all, it looks like it’s time for the Ol’ Ball Coach to become the Ol’ Comedy Podcast Listener. I know I shocked the heck outta y’all by up and quittin’ on my team this week, but I have a very good reason for it. See, I have just enough time in my life for three things. Currently those three things are golf, football and my family. In that order.

Recently though I happened upon this IWS Radio comedy show and I just can’t get enough of it. When I realized that there were five years of shows and blog posts to catch up on, I decided that something was going to have to go. We all know it won’t be golf. And, while I might prefer to walk away from my family, that’s just not a good look. So, football is all that’s left. Sorry y’all. Anyway, check out this week’s show!

Matt-Man and Jayman started with 30 brilliant minutes of witty banter. Hell, they even have a witty banter sponsor. I think it was that “Flash” movie or TV show. Not sure which one. Anyway, they had my laughing so hard I had my Natty Light running out my nose! That was better than any thirty minutes the Gamecocks have put together all season!

And then, smoother and quicker than any running back we’ve got, they changed gears and got into that big mess that was made in the House of Representatives last week. Then, one of their correspondents, Bobby Kraft, actually announced he was applying for the job! That guy’s a riot!

I thought there was no way they could keep this up for a full two hours, but dammed if they didn’t! Matt and Jay bring non-stop energy and big-time talent to the comedy podcast game. I can’t tell you how impressed I am. After that Kraft fella, they brought in Paul Piatt to read one of Matt-Man’s poems from his upcoming e-book. And you know what the title of his first e-book is? It’s “My First E-Book!” That just tickled me something awful right there! I’m still chucklin’ about it.

I tell you what; I don’t think I’ve come across two guys who get after better than Matt and Jay. They had this Worst Songs of the Week segment that left me slack-jawed in amazement that music like that actually gets recorded these days. Those songs would make a hound dog howl!

Plus they had some moment of Zen where a muffler shop owner led everyone in a meditation. That’s crazy, but it works! Along with all that they played all these hilarious snippets from that MSNBC cable news channel and then gave their witty replies. I was rollin’!  You guys just gotta listen to this show! I mean it ….

                         

Even Joe Scarborough Shuts Up for IWS Radio

Hi IWS Radio fans, former congressman and host of MSNBC's Morning Joe, Joe Scarborough here to thank Jay and Matt for featuring me and others from MSNBC on tomorrow's IWS Radio Show.

Rarely, do you find two more fair and balanced members of the media on one show, but these two miscreants make it happen, make it work, and most importantly...

They are nearly as hilarious Chris Hayes and Mika Brzezinski.

So for once in my life, allow me to shut my always yakking pie hole and let them explain what will be happening on tomorrow's IWS Radio Show....

Well, last week Mat-Man and Jayman "celebrated" Fox News on IWS Radio. And of course, by "celebrated" we mean "made fun of." So, it's only fitting that we "celebrate" MSNBC this week. MSNBC is a special place with special people. Their ratings are low, but their ambitions are high. And, some of their hosts might be high too, but that's purely speculation on our part.

So, Matt and Jay are going to take an in-depth look at MSNBC and its people and really break down what the network is trying to be and how it all works. Or, doesn't work as the case may be. We'll also celebrate some of our favorite on air personalities like Chris "The Interrupter" Matthews and Chuck "The Moron" Todd and all the rest of the folks there at the "Liberal Fox News" network.

As always, our Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf and the IWS Players will be along to entertain you and possibly make you think. Plus there will be wonderful witty banter and some very bad music. All this and YOUR CALLS @ 661.244.9852!

Sounds like a well-thought out and hilarious if not hurtful show. So, join them LIVE tomorrow from NOON-2 PM ET as IWS Radio presents: MSNBC Weasles Its Way Onto IWS Radio

To catch the show LIVE or later in archives click right HERE.

Headlines, Get Your Headlines Here!!

Every time I have trouble of thinking of a topic on which to write, I always think of how Jayman writes funny headlines once in awhile.  I have threatened to do so myself in the past, and today as I had no grist in my mill last night, I offer these headlines that I would like to see…

Local Man in Ebola Video Goes Viral

Lee Majors To Reprise Role in New Warner Bros. Pic, The 1.6 Billion Dollar Man: Adjusted For Inflation

Merger Between Cialis and Viagra Produces World’s First Eight Hour Erection

Brussel Sprouts Enjoyed By Local First Grader

Liquor Store Owner Shoots Wild Turkey

The Words Virgin Mary Spontaneously Appear in Bowl of Alphabet Soup

MSNBC’s Ronan Farrow Daily Finally Garners First Viewer

ISIS Informant Reportedly Totally Hacked Off

A Clean And Sober Rob Ford To Run For Mayor of Gary, Indiana

Sierra Leone Renames Capital City To Stenchville

Dick Morris Predicts That The Next Pope Will Be a Presbyterian

Political Pundit Dick Morris Gunned Down By Drunken Catholic League President Bill Donohue

By Unanimous Vote, The U.S. House and Senate Agree To Outsource Their Legislative Duties

And lastly…

Trick-or-Treat Cancelled Due To Christmas Preparations

There ya have it…All the news that fits.  Enjoy your Tuesday and hey…let’s be careful out there, lest we become a headline ourselves.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Best Friends

Cheeeeeeeeers all, and welcome to the week of Matt-Man being nothing but positive!!

I have recently had a run of days shrouded in grumpiness and negativity, but this week…I’m going to be all positive, all the time.. That’s Right!!

So I shall begin my week of writing on IWS with something positive, and let me tell you…It is sometimes hard for me to write positive stories, so I thought I’d begin with a topic that nearly almost usually makes me happy.

My best friend…my BFF…my PSG…The one and only, Schmoop!!

Schmoopalicious, as Jayman coined her years ago, is currently wading through murky pools of uncertainty and self-loathing because she was laid-off a few months back and has yet to secure a job.

She’s down on herself and feels she contributes nothing to society nor to the typically happy home in which we reside.  But you know what?  Schmoop contributes much more than she thinks she does.

For instance…When she got laid-off, I weighed around 185 pounds.  And now?  I am pushing 200 pounds because instead of me typically eating a can of soup for lunch before work, Schmoop makes a ginormous lunch for me. Oh yeah!!

Chicken nuggets, onion rings, burgers, omelets, grilled cheese (mmmmmmm grilled cheese)…I bet Schmoop has been sending me off to work everyday for the past 26 weeks with 800 calories in my stomach.

The chick makes a great lunch, and she is always happy to do it, because…well…we are best friends.

She also does my laundry, because…well…we are best friends.

And dig it folks, yesterday morning, we both woke up around the same time.  I was late getting to my computer stuff that I do every morning as far as posting the IWS website post to Facebook, checking our numbers, my email, and whatever, because for the first sixty minutes of Monday morning?

We just hung out and made fun of FOX News and MSNBC, harangued about how many commercials air, and listened to some of Sunday’s IWS Radio audio files.  We unknowingly spent an hour cutting up and sarcastically yet lovingly, making fun of our cat Corky.

It…was…nice, because...It demonstrated our Best Friend....Ness.

In the moment as it is, Schmoop has some self-doubt, but she should never doubt herself about this…

I do have one regret about Schmoop, and no it’s not her lack of a job, her hatred of Tammy Tibbles, or even her inability to not worry over silly shit.

My only regret involving Schmoop is that I didn't meet her 20 years earlier.

Schmoop?  Even in your current “transitional” condition, you contribute something to society everyday.  You make me smile.  There is a cat who adores you, and in spite of your failed attempts to show no emotion, you make the world a better place.

Good luck on your job interview today, but if you don’t get it, and your unemployment benefits are extended…from now on when you make my lunch, could you work some salads into my menu?

Love You Schmoop!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
My Twitter Page
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I Need Answers!!

Cheeeeeeeeers and a tremendously happy Thursday to you all!!

I am, as the hipsters would have said some thirty years ago, “stoked.”

Why is that you ask?  Well, let me tell ya.

For the first time in a lonnnnnnng time, I have the entire day of Thursday off…on a regular basis no less.  It’s true!!

I am going to be productive, relax some as well, tip a few, and enjoy with gusto, my new found time away from the Beer Mine.  However…

Before I can truly enjoy the day, I need your help.  I need some questions answered so I can quit thinking about them, and get to the important business of relaxing and focusing on Sunday’s IWS Radio Show.

First of all.  Jayman and I briefly touched upon this a month or so ago on the radio show.  How is it that Jesus’ birthday is celebrated on the same day every year, but his death and resurrection is on a different day every year?  Something about that just doesn’t sound kosher, and I’d like to know the reasoning behind it.

Why does Ed Schultz have a show on MSNBC and a syndicated radio show?  The guy is a freak show. Don’t get me wrong; he’s great to make fun of, but he’s a train wreck.  Also riddle me this?  Sean Hannity and I actually agree on this summation of Eddie; which of us comes off looking worse for agreeing with the other?

Set me straight people…Rep. Vance McAllister (R-Cocktown) was caught on video making out with his staffer Melissa Peacock (R-Slutsville), both of whom are married…She resigns, and he remains a Congressman and a, “champion of traditional family values.”  Could somebody…anybody…please explain the logic and justice in the results of this affair?

If you are a regular reader of this blog you know that we have been celebrating National Poetry Month, which begs a serious question.  If a poem is written in the forest and there is no one around to read it, does it rhyme? I need to know!!

I am still seeing hash tags on Twitter in reference to #CancelColbert.  Really? People are still trying to cancel the Colbert Report because of the Ching Chong Ding Dong thing?

I read an article on Salon.com which interviewed Suey Park who basically started this thing, and she said “whiteness is the enemy” of Asian-Americans.

That seems pwetty wacist to me but hu am I to judge?  But, rell…maybe Suey Park needs to show a rittle wespectful sirence on dis one.  Am I wight?

Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that I have a hot friend who got divorced just days ago…

Is there a waiting period before I hit on her, and/or make lewd sexual comments toward her? I’d like to hit upon, and/or talk dirty to her, but only in the most appropriate, and socially acceptable manner.  I’m a gentleman in that regard.

Lastly…

When Jay and I do our show prep call today, should I wear shorts and a T-Shirt, or merely obscure my nakedness ‘neath the comfort of a silk robe?

I need your help and insight folks; my happiness, and the lives of millions of Americans are depending on you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

The Weather Channel: Sam Champion Is A White Al Roker

Imagine this…

It’s 3 A.M, and the head of the overnight Weather Channel crew calls its morning, drive-time headliner and?

The morning, drive-time headliner is not a meteorologist.

The Weather Channel has done it before, and they are doing it again.

They are hiring yet another non-meteorologist to host the morning Weather Channel program, and once again diluting the hard hitting analysis of barometric pressures and jet streams, into nothing more than a morning show about..

“Hey…longtime viewer, Grandma Juanita Jones is 98 today; which is coincidental, because that is what the high temp in Miami will be today.”

I was livid back in aught nine when The Weather Channel hired the hideous, non-meteorological, can’t lose weight on my own without a medical procedure, go on Imus to promote my book, and then hate him for dissin’ nappy-haired college basketball players even though I had been on his show for years, Al Roker.

When NBC bought out The Weather Channel and installed the non-meteorologist, weight-loss cheater, Al Roker into its sunny, wake-up spot,  I said to myself…

“The Weather Channel’s integrity has fallen faster and lower than the barometric pressure recorded when Hurricane Camille passed over Pass Christian, Mississippi back in ‘69.”

Not that the aforementioned fake weathermen would know what the hell I was talking about.

I remember the days back when The Weather Channel started, and Jim Cantore and Mark Mancuso were cutting up and giving the weather…It was awesome, but…noooooooooo.

Only doing weather wasn't good enough for either The Weather Channel nor NBC, so…when NBC bought them out, they had to add weather “reality” shows and fake weathermen.

And that is when the “for the life of me, I have no clue how this happened” famous and well-paid, Al Roker stepped in.

I loathe Al Roker because he is a phony.  He is a phony because he chose to have a medical procedure to lose weight, and more importantly, he is not a meteorologist.

And now?

Who is going to be hosting The Weather Channel’s new morning show, AMHQ?

Sam Champion. Really?

I am about to be subjected to the exponentially white, uber-creepy looking, non-meteorologist Sam Champion, who is the gay, yet fit, but no less disturbing, and much more caucasian, Al Roker.

See?

Meteorology is, among other things, color blind.  I just want a God Damn weather forecast thoughtfully and accurately reported to me by a black guy, a white guy, a hot chick…a Swedish Nazi who had a sex change…

I don’t care who the hell gives me a weather forecast, I just want to know that I am getting a quasi-accurate forecast.

And I want it from a meteorologist. Not some corporate media carnival barker who was hired to generate advertising revenue.

If it storms?

I want to know it was because there was a dry line, behind of a cold front, ahead of a warm front, and not because the, Sam Champion TorCon Rating Brought to You by Coca-Cola, is rating it an eight.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page 

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Last night was yet another EPIC episode of IWS Radio. Matt and Jay are normally not all that confrontational and they HATE to criticize, but sometimes it’s necessary to call some people out. That’s exactly what your heroes at IWS did.

Matt and Jay took down just about everyone at MSNBC and only really had one conflict. Matt is a fan of cute little Ethra Klein while Jay doesn’t find him all that appealing. Matt also heaped praise on Morning Joe which Jay has no opinion on because the show is over before he gets out of bed each morning.

Some other people that were roasted (kinda) include Tina Fey, Chuck Todd, Bill Simmons, Jalen Rose, Doug Collins, Harold Ford Jr, and of course, Chris Christie. In fact, we had exclusive audio from Chris Christie doing karaoke this weekend at a dive bar in Jersey City.

In addition to that excitement, Dixie Ozark had an exclusive interview with Chris Christie “associate” Jimmy “Three Fingers” Tortelli which was eye-opening and a little scary. Kirk Douglas chimed in with the weather and (s)he talked about some of the strange changes (s)he has undergone since being sick. Al Sharpton sat in for Paul Piatt, Slyder Ballzcock celebrated the Russian ladies curling team and then took a run at Bob Costas. Bobby Kraft went in on President Obama, Tom Cotton and Congressman Cotton’s prissy, finger-wagging mother. Aaaaaaaaaand Rachel Maddow contributed in a big way to the show.

Then we took a call from JesseFerg and um, “celebrated” another one of the great shows on the BlogTalkRadio Network.

All in all, a great show! Definitely check it out!

Popular Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Yeah, I know I've been a little critical of her in the past (and maybe last night) but doesn't Tina Fey look terrific? And JesseFerg insists that she hasn't had any work done. He knows these things.

I AM Miley Cyrus!!

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

Well, unless you live under a rock, or are a person of Amish persuasion who is without a radio, television, or internet access, you know that the American media, parental groups, and holier-than-thou types are in full-throttle and five-speed overdrive, OUTRAGE mode.

It seems that the once winsome Disney studio star of Hannah Montana, twenty year old Miley Cyrus, twerked and worked her wares upon a growing pain inside the pants of thirty-six year old Robin Thicke during a live performance, on this past Sunday’s VMA awards show on MTV.

Monday morning as I watched the early morning talk shows, my hangover was cursed by the sound of Morning Joe’s Mika Brzezinski, who upon seeing the video, said things like…

"She is a mess. Someone needs to take care of her."  Annnnnd….

"That was disgusting and embarrassing."  Annnnnd of course this…

"That young lady, who is 20, is obviously deeply troubled, deeply disturbed...probably has an eating disorder."

I felt helpless as I lay there listening to that nattering nabob of Williams College educated, sexist, social piety, Ms. Mika “Pass Me the Vodka and Another Ambien” Brzezinski point out what she feels to be flaws in Miley’s character, and weaknesses in her emotional, physical, and psychological make-up.

Others in the media piled on poor Miley, and on Tuesday, Mika, Joe Scarborough, and the Parents Television Council said that advertisers must forgo MTV and person or persons at the network, should be fired.

Oh…My God…Such outrage over a little song and dance.  I haven’t seen this much outrage since millions of American children were victimized by Janet Jackson’s booby popping out during the Super Bowl a few years ago.

Here’s the thing…I know Miley Cyrus, because I AM Miley Cyrus.

I could have been Miley a few years back when I began my first blog.  If I had a daughter?  She would have looked like Miley Cyrus.

Seven years ago, I started my first blog.  At first, it was like working for Disney.  I was sweet, cute, affable, and many folks called me Matty.

And then…a couple of years into it, I knew it was time to fly.  Time to grow my wings, and become a seasoned and grown-up version of my blogging self.  So…

I began posting pictures likes this…

And this…

And in keeping with animal twerking like Miley’s Teddy Bear sexcapade, pictures like this…

Much like the burgeoning and longing for adult type performing for which Miley has yearned, I too felt the need to grow and become more adult and cutting edge in my blogging.  It’s a natural progression.  Oh sure, she did so at the age of 20, and I at the age of 43 or 44, but still…you get my point.

Mika Brzezinski claims that Miley Cyrus is disturbed, a mess, and probably suffers from an eating disorder because Mika’s emotional displacement tells her to say that.

Me?

I just say that Miley Cyrus and I are kindred spirits wanting to grow as people.

In fact, I say unto you now…

While early in my blogging career I could have been referred to as Hannah Mattana, I AM Miley Cyrus now, and perhaps in a small way, each and everyone of us are...ALL Miley Cyrus.

Stand firmly behind sweet Miley Cyrus, and don’t allow the OUTRAGE Police to throw her in jail!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Buddy Acapella...Moore, OK. Will Not Just Get Some of Me; They Will Get ALL of Me!!

Heyyyyyyyy guys and dolls!!  Resident IWS song stylist Buddy Acapella here for IWS Radio, and let me tell
ya, as those now long in the tooth, yet still talented, and recently reunited Brady Bunch kids would sing…

It’s A Sunshine Dayyyyyy.  Heyyyyyy!!  Unless of course…One lives in Moore, OK.

As you probably know by now, tragedy struck there yesterday in the form of a massive tornado, and the entire nation is grieving right along with the citizens of the community of Moore, OK., and I am no different.

I plan to do a benefit concert for those affected by this tragedy Friday June 7th-Sunday June 9th at the Yakov Smirnoff Theater in Branson, MO.

I hope to generate enough dollars to make up for the lack of Federal funds for Moore, OK. should Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) and Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) try to delay and or block federal monies to their own state like they did with federal relief funds to states affected by Hurricane Sandy.  Heyyyyyy!!

I may be but a superficial lounge singer with six pinkie rings, two dozen hair plugs, and yet no band behind me, but I’m not stupid, and I am quite the caring soul.  Just ask the bass guitarist, lead guitarist, and uber-sexy Nubian type female back-up singers whom have never played with me, sang with me, nor come at me.

Wait?  What?  Yes!!  Heyyyyyy!!

Five, six, seven, eight…It’s the least I can do…Anyway…

My soothing voice is the balm against the infestation of tears, tragedy, and heartache, and I am going to apply said soothing and lyrical balm, and allow the healing to begin at the Yakov Smirnoff Dinner Theater located at 470 State Highway 248 in warm and wonderful Branson, MO. on June 7th-June 9th from 8:00-10:00 PM (dinner seating is limited and starts at 7:00 PM., so reservations are strongly suggested.)

I have some carefully special and topical  tunes picked out for the victims and families affected by this devastating tornado.

I will be doing a sultry and blustery version of Frankie Laine’s They Call the Wind Mariah, as well as a bouncy, yet melancholy version of Gogi Grant’s, The Wayward Wind.

I have a powerful EF-5 list of special guests scheduled as well…

With candor, humor, and hand puppets, Sean Hannity will be there in order to tell everyone that they should not let their hearts be troubled, because at some point we will find out who in the Obama Administration was responsible for this meteorological debacle.

Half -Term Governor and patriot Sarah Palin will be on hand to let everyone know that while she was Governor of Alaska, not one tornado dared to threaten Anchorage or Barrow.

Rush Limbaugh will do a funny story about how the only looting that takes place in the aftermath of such an event is by the lone black person in the state of Oklahoma and how MSNBC makes him out to be a hero.

And rock and acapella to this my cool cats and hot diggity dolls, while waiting in line to get into my star spangled charity gig, you can revel in the entertainment of Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist gang holding signs that read…

“God’s Whirlwind of Destruction Was Brought on By the Breezy and Sleazy Lifestyle of Faggots!!”

It’s going to be a super-duper time, so order your tickets NOW.

For a five dollar discount on your ticket, go to Ticketmaster and type in the code word: IWS.

Until I see and sing to you again, this is Buddy Acapella.

Heyyyyyy!!

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

Exes Are a Pain in the Butt

Cheers and Happy Tuesday to you all. I’m trying really hard to be happy on this Tuesday, but man…

Some of my exes are really gnawing at the edges of my patience these days.

Quasi Ex-wife or ex girlfriends from my past, you ask?

Nooooooooooooo.

I am talking about ex-smokers, ex-drinkers, and self proclaimed, ex-food addicts.  Oy Vey!!  They are such an incredibly loathsome and insufferable lot.

First up on the wheel of annoyance, ex-smokers.  Do I know that I shouldn’t smoke?  Yes.  Do I know it’s bad for me?  Yes.  Do I know it ultimately killed my dad and will me?  Yes.

Do I need to hear all that on a daily basis from ex-smoking friends and ex-smokers whom I barely know?

Oh hell no, and Jesus Smoking Christ…!!

Their non-laconic diatribes about the evils of smoking don’t make me want to quit; their anti-tobacco pontifications make we want to fire up a Newport Red 100 so I have something to do with my hands which prevents me from punching them in their jabbering jaws of self-righteousness!!

Some go wayyyyyyy overboard.  I have heard thie following more than once…

“We’d like to cook out more often during the summer, but our neighbor smokes in his backyard and we can smell it.  It just ruins everything.”

Hmmmmm…A guy.  In his own backyard.  With a slowly burning Philip Morris product hanging from his lip…is ruining your weekend joy of cooking a piece of steroid-riddled red meat as you inhale the scented, seasonal, and life preserving fumes of Kingsford Charcoal!!?  Enough!!

Next up on the kaleidoscope hate?  Ex-Drinkers…

Drinking leads to no good.  Alcohol is nothing more than empty calories and heartache.  Maybe if your life weren’t so empty, you wouldn’t drink.  Ever heard any of that from an ex-imbiber?  Oh Boy!!  I have, and here’s the thing…

The reason that they are all over you, the drinker?  It’s because their life is damn boring without alcohol that they have to fill the void with going all Carrie Nation on you and others who drink.

Just as I have to smoke a cigarette in order to keep from punching an ex-smoker, some ex-drinkers need to keep their mind off alcohol by crushing the beer kegs of your personal freedom of swallowing down some Sweet Lucy from time to time.  Sooooo Un-American!!

Lastly and of special timeliness…We have the Queen of the Food Addict Court, the weight-loss crowd, and anti-obesity army, none other than MSNBC Morning Joe Co-Host, Mika Brzezinski.

Mika Brzezinski has a new book out called, Obsessed, which she wrote with fellow and collegial anchorwoman, Diane Smith.

The book describes Mika’s journey of binging and purging in order to maintain an “acceptable” TV weight, and Diane’s trip down the path of perhaps losing jobs because she gained weight.

Well, Mika is now comfortable with her weight and in her skin, and eating healthy…and Diane has lost many pounds and feels healthy as well.

That’s very nice, and I applaud them both.  However…

Mika the ex-food addict, just like the ex-smoker and ex-drinker can’t stop by only saving herself.

She frequently rails against the fast-food industry, supports Mayor Bloomberg’s fascistic food legislation, and nearly everyday at some point, says something on Morning Joe that implies…

“I have been there and I know better than you, and what you are doing is wrong.  Unhealthy food should be banned by the government because we have no control over ourselves.”

And yet…

Mika Brzezinski’s theory of government oversight on these things is shot down by the fact that, according to her book, she changed her life on her own, well…along with a diet full of vodka and Ambien, and I guess Diane Smith hired a personal trainer, to which of course we all have access.

Unbelievable.

I am glad that all the exes of whatever variety out there are enjoying their new found redemption, but seriously?

I lost a lot of weight a few years ago, and while I was doing it, I never cursed or berated someone for eating a triple from Wendy’s.  I was usually thinking…

Man, only twenty more pounds to go, and then I am going to have TWO of those!!

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

MSJS: Our Cable News Debut

Matt Speculates, Jay Speculates, You shake your head in amazement.

As was bound to happen at some point Matt-Man and Jayman have now become more than just International Internet Radio Stars and have become Media Personalities and Current Events Commentators. We made our debut this week on cable news and here’s the transcript …

Monday Night: Cable News Ninny: We now welcome Matt-Man and Jayman from IWS Radio. What is your take, gentlemen, on what happened in Boston?

Matt: I think this is domestic terrorism.
Jay: Naw … It’s foreign.
Matt: Happening on the day of the background check vote? In the most liberal city in America?
Jay: Yeah, I get that, but domestics usually go for government buildings.
Matt: True, but foreigners usually claim responsibility.
Jay: Hmmm … Buuuuut, a bomb in a crowd? Sooooo Al Qaeda!
Matt: Maybe, but think about all those foreigners racing? Right-wingers hate foreigners.
Jay: Damn. This is a tough one.
Matt: I say look for white guy w/ crew cut and owns a dozen or so guns.
Jay: No way man. Dark-Skinned all the way!  
CNN: Okay guys! Great insight!

Thursday Night: CNN: With us again are Matt-Man and Jayman from IWS Radio. You’ve seen the video and the pics of the suspects, what do you make of all this?

Jay: Suspect #2 is looking pretty swarthy to me.
Matt: They’re white.
Jay: I dunno dude. That’s a big Arab nose.
Matt: Maybe, or possibly … Well, you know WHO ELSE has big noses.
Jay: Jews? MOSSAD?????
Matt: Wouldn’t that be a game changer!
Jay: Damn, yes it would.
Matt: Other people have big noses too though.
Jay: Lebanese do. Danny Thomas, Jamie Farr
Matt: Jamie Farr! Has anyone checked on him? Hmmm ….
Jay: I think we’ve about got this solved.
Matt: Well, hold on. I just thought of something. Italians
Jay: Oh dayum! A mob hit?
Matt: Boston Mayor Tomas MENINO??? Huh??? Huh??
Jay: Holy shit dude! …. Mind. Officially. Blown.

Friday Morning: CNN: We’re here once again with Matt-Man and Jayman of IWS Radio. One of the bombers, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, is dead and the other, his brother Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev, is on the loose. What do you guys make of this?

Matt: They’re white. I called that one!
Jay: Uhhh .. White MUSLIMS! Boom!
Matt: But, still white.
Jay: Swarthy white!
Matt: I’ll give you that one.
Jay: What have they been doing since Monday though?
Matt: Flew to Texas to blow up a fertilizer plant?
Jay: I like it!
Matt: Clever move by them. Quite the distraction.

CNN: Guys, speaking of distraction, I’m going to bring in Schmoop now to talk about another possibility.

Schmoop: This is all obviously a FALSE FLAG! The government did this to prey on American’s fears and use our natural instinct to come together in times of crisis and increase Obama’s poll numbers giving him the opening he needs to come after our guns.

Matt: *rolls eyes* You’re obviously a nutcase.
Jay: *head nod* How YOU doin’ huh babe?
Matt: PUH-LEEZE … What an amateur!
Jay: IKNOWRITE? I mean, I can see Muslims trying to help Obama’s popularity.
Matt: Now THAT makes sense!
Jay: Muslim Brotherhood agrees to launch LIMITED attack.
Matt: Kill just enough people to get everyone’s attention.
Jay: The cop was just an opportunity kill.
Matt: Obvs. Anyway, Obama goes tough guy. 
Jay: Muslims take the heat. Again.
Matt: Obama consolidates power.
Jay: Quietly uses new power to start implementing Sharia Law.
Matt: HOLY SHIT! We really have figured it out!  
Jay: This is some scary shit here.
Matt: Hell yes it is.
Jay: Damn, this TV thing is going great!
Matt: We’re naturals.

CNN: Okay guys, thanks for your very unique insight. What do you guys have coming up this Sunday?

Matt: The NFL draft is next we’re gonna draft stuff we like.
Jay: Yeah, Monarchs, Writers, Poets, Favorite Ethnic People
Matt: Sportscasters, Flowers, Beer
Jay: Yeah, we will DRAFT BEER … Heh .. Get it?
Matt: Hey-OOOOOOO
Jay: And other stuff.
Matt: Paul Piatt, IWS Products, Bobby Kraft
Jay: And so much more!
Matt: Totally!

So, join us at 12 Noon ET on Sunday for our “What’s On Tap” episode of I’m With Stupid!

Shut the Fuck Up with Hank Philpot Episode 2

Hello.  Hank Philpot here.  I’m a friend of Matt-Man.  I was going off on some things the other day to him and he said I could write down my bitches about the world today on this blog thing.

He told me that today, I could consider the IWS blog to be my, tablet razor or something like that.  I don’t know what he meant by that, but here I am….Hank Philpot.

Now listen, this basketball coach at Rutgers, Mike Rice?  It seems he’s in a boatload of trouble.

I guess he was trying to get his Scarlet Knights of Rutgers basketball team in shape for the season and he was too hard on the God Damn pansies.

He threw basketballs at them…He pushed them…He called them faggots…Well let me tell you…

My father used to beat me on the ass with a bolo paddle for calling my sister a whore, and my Drill Sergeant, Gunny Sarge Buck Masters used to stick a bayonet up my ass for being three seconds late to a drill.

Don’t give me this, “He was too hard on those basketball boys, shit.”  Shut the Fuck Up!!

Coach Rice just wanted them to be ready for when they played big time schools with darkies who play with one hand on the ball and another hand carrying a switchblade.

If you can’t see that, well…you can’t see that your 12 year old is boy probably gonna turn out to be a gay bastard who views Rachel Maddow as the man that Chris Hayes wishes he could be.

It’s just wrong, and if you don’t agree…Shut the Fuck Up!!

And now that I have invoked the names of people who appear on MSNBC have you seen the following..?

Alex Wagner…Cute as hell…I’d take her down and pluck her in my chicken coop anytime, but man she opens her pretentious mouth, and I say, “Shut the Fuck up.”

And then there is Mika Brzezinski, liberal star of Morning Joe on MSNBC…Jesus Christ…That chick has been riding on the coat tails of her dad since, well…ever since her dad helped Jimmy Carter to become irrelevant.  But in all fairness, her dad has a thick accent so, that makes him smart.

Mika has no accent, so….well…her stupidity shines through.  You know what I have to say about that?

Mika?  You’re not bright!!  So shut the fuck up!!

Oh people. Some are coming around to our gun-toting, God-Loving side…

I was told by a devout quasi-Catholic, yet somewhat agnostic, religion reporting guy this week that he hates Martin Bashir as well…

And why shouldn’t he?

Sure...Martin Bashir stands tall among his fellow Christ Haters, in all of his MSNBC, London born Pakistani glory in a tight knit seersucker suit coat talking in his condescending UK accent to Americans, while aggrandizing about our hate for foreigners, but...you know what Mr. Pak Man?

Shut the Fuck Up!!

Sure…We can let the children in, but then?  We should eat them!!  I hear that that is what they do in those types of heathen countries from which you came illegally!!

You know what, Mr. Bashir?

Shut the Fuck Up!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

I Don't Fucking Think So with Hank Philpot

Hello.  Hank Philpot here.  I’m a friend of Matt-Man.  I was going off on some things the other day to him and he said I could write down my bitches about the world today on this blog thing.

He told me that today, I could consider the IWS blog to be my, tablet razor or something like that.  I don’t know what he meant by that, but here I am….Hank Philpot.

I guess there is a big outrage over the Super Bowl.  Seems some folks have their panties in a wad because TV microphones picked up Joe Flacco saying, “Fucking Awesome!!” right after they won the SuperBowl the other night.  So what?

I’m not a Joe Flacco fan, but the dumb dago just won the damn NFL Championship.  What’s he supposed to say?  “This is a pleasant experience?”

I don’t fucking think so.

He won the Goddamn Super Bowl for Chrissakes, and lemme tell ya…If that dumb dago had said that winning the Super Bowl was, “a pleasant experience”, I would have forever and into the future or whatever, referred to him as, Joe Faggo.

Another thing.  I see that every time a teacher or a classmate of any elementary school, high school, or even higher schools dies, they bring in “grief counselors” for today's squishy, soft, chicken pot pie pupils.  What the hell is up with that?  People die every damn day.

I remember my Junior year of high school when the entire head of our shop teacher, Mr. Durwood Whitt, literally exploded right before our eyes due to an aneurysm.  Did the school bring in grief counselors for us?

I don’t fucking think so.

They brought in the head janitor, Roy Jenks.  And us and ol’ Roy scrubbed the shop room down together. We didn't see it as a tragedy.  We saw it as an event that taught us how to safely and efficiently remove blood and brain tissue from a drill press and a table saw.

I read today that that soft-handed, “friend of the working man” Ed Schultz said, with a scour, that Republicans want immigration reform, but don’t want them to have voting rights during their legal consideration status.  Yeah, so what Ed?  Is that a bad thing?

I don’t fucking think so!!

Foreign workers with a VISA or MasterCard, and tourists with passports are also here under a legal status.  Does that mean you want candy-assed Europeans who visit Palm Beach to be able to vote? Do we want Nazi Nate, Bok Choy Charlie, and Quesadilla Quintana to be able to have their voices heard as to who runs these God-Fearing United States of America?

I don’t fucking think so!!

Lastly.  I read yesterday’s post from Jayman…What the fuck?  He spoke of being in the barber chair while some gal-barber cut his hair all the while listening to some ex-meth head gal with an addicted father who became clean and had a sex change, speak her mind. What the hell is that?

Much to his credit, Jayman remained calm and carried on.  Would I have done the same in his situation?

I don’t fucking think so!!

I would have said…

“I’m sorry that you are a post-strung out meth whore, and you father is some sort of queer, but could you please shut your yap long enough for this working gal to finish trimming my noggin without cutting off my Goddamn ear?”

I thank you for your time, and maybe I’ll do this again, but…

I don’t fucking think so.

Hank Philpot

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

IWS Babe of the Week: Morning Mika

If it's Sunday , it's the IWS Babe of the Week.  This week?  The sultry Mika Brzezinski of Morning Joe fame which airs Monday through Friday 6-9 AM on MSNBC...

Mika is eye candy a top notch journalist and left wing foil to the conservative and irascible Joe Scarborough..

She's smart, funny, and charming, and she knows how to handle a lighter...I'd let her handle my Bic anytime...

She can also be incredibly feisty...To the point where it looks like she has a mustache...

And in the end, Mika, in all of her agenda pushing, nanny stater, preach til' my ears bleed beauty, has some really great legs...I just hope she doesn't turn up dead in Joe Scarborough's office...

Here's to Mika Brzezinski and her wake up call she provides every weekday!!

And speaking of a beautiful wake up call...Jay and Matt talked about the beauty of the internet and social media last night on the IWS Radio Show .  If you missed it LIVE, you can catch all of the hilarity right c'here...

Matt-Man's Vote: Gary Johnson

Cheers Bitches…

As Jayman eloquently stated in print, his preference and endorsement for President yesterday was "none of the above", I, the Matt-Man am here today with my preference and endorsement as to whom I think should be President for the next four years.

Yesterday, Jayman set forth his principles and reasoning which resulted in a well-thought out de facto, “none of the above”vote, which I honor and understand, I however?

While close to doing the same, I am actually going to vote for a candidate for President of the United States.

I am going to be voting for the Libertarian Presidential candidate, former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson (R-NM).

“Wait a second Mr. Matt-Man, you say...He can’t win?”

Of course he can’t.

There’s no way in Hell he can win.

Rosie O’Donnell has a better chance of winning a non-lesbian beauty contest than Gary Johnson has winning the Presidency, however…

While some of you may consider the casting of my ballot a protest vote, I consider it more of a wake up vote.

And, I consider it my flash card to you that there exist more than two schools of political thought, or non-thought as it were, within this great nation of ours.

I hear Republicans saying, “You must be drinking the Kool-Aid.”

I hear Democrats saying, “You are sheeple.”

You know what?

They are both right, and they are both wrong in defending their own parties instead of defending and promulgating what is best for and about this great nation.

Political Parties suck.

Hell, the Libertarian Party sucks, but at least they are making waves and want to shake up this staid, political landscape.

YOU…The majority of the American electorate suck...and I am not afraid to say that.  You watch MSNBC or FOX News and listen to their bent, and then agree with an empty nod of the head, and/or a "leave me alone and let me agree" feeling .

You see?

Cable news outlets are not there for actual reporting of the news any longer; cable news is there for affirmation and validation of what you already believe.

24/7 cable news stations are your vicodin.  They are your dilaudid…They are your 5 o’clock Gin and Tonic.

And?  That’s what Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are.

They are your 5 o’clock Gin and Tonic, or if you prefer, your beer and a shot, or a glass of Pinot Grigio, or gutter wine.

They are whatever you want them to be, and they know it…and that is what they will always be.

Gary Johnson?

I agree with him and the Libertarian Party maybe fifty percent of the time, and for me, that’s enough, because my vote for him is not really about him nor the Libertarian Party.

My vote for Gary Johnson is clarion call to all of you, to think for yourself.  There are more than two parties in this country.

There are several parties, and best of all, there could be at some point, no parties, or in a perfect world...

There could be over 300 Million different parties in this country, with a myriad of ideas as to what is best for this country, and that is exactly what our country needs.

When monolithic group think is torn down, ideas spring eternal, and seriously...this land has had the tired old two party system long enough.  It's time for new ideas.

Gary Johnson is making that known, and on Tuesday, I shall join him in imparting just that, by voting for him.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Matt Said...Jay Said XXXV

Matt Puhuu.  Jay Puhuu.  You, Kuunnella.

Matt:  You’ve reached the Immaturity Help-Line, how may I direct your childish call?
Jay:  Hey there TUFF GUY.
Matt:  How you doin’, you BAD ASS, you?
Jay:  Man, who knew what a draft dodging pussy Ted Nugent was and is?
Matt:  Ha Ha…Wait for it…
Jay and Matt:  WE DID!!

Matt:  Poor tough guy Ted.
Jay:  Yeah.  The Motor City Fancy Boy couldn’t show up for Vietnam, but he did for our website.
Matt:  And for that, we are eternally grateful.
Jay:  Or something.

Matt:  Hey did you see that we have been getting hits from NBC Universal out of NYC?
Jay:  Oh hell yes I did.  They probably want to make a sitcom out of us being internet radio stars.
Matt:  Probably, but we are so above that type of mindless, ghetto tripe.
Jay:  We are?
Matt:  No, not really.
Jay:  Maybe it’s Tamron Hall who is checking us out.
Matt:  In my fantasy life I think you are right, and I just got a boner.
Jay:  I’d prefer you keep your erection updates to yourself.

Matt:  You know what I can’t keep to myself?
Jay:  What’s that, your self-loathing?
Matt:  No, no, no…They way we were viciously attacked as being immature, 12 year old boys this week.
Jay:  Ohhhh, no kiddin’!!  I have spent the week re-examining my inner-self after that, and I’m still pissed.
Matt:  Same here.
Jay:  We should address this beyond the website.
Matt:  Someone needs to go down for that incalcitrant remark.

Jay:  I mean…that observation holds no weight.
Matt:  IKR?  And dig it.  I was chatting with a hot babe and she said that she is taking a bath now so she can listen to our show while clean and shiny.
Jay:  That’s sweet, but she’ll need another one after listening to us.
Matt:  You know what would be really hot?
Jay:  Ha Ha…wait for it…
Matt and Jay:  IF SHE LISTENED TO US WHILE TAKING A BATH!!

Jay:  Anyhoodle, on Sunday’s show, we need to answer these charges about being all immature n’shit.
Matt:  I agree.  Because we both know we can be funny and still address serious issues logically.
Jay:  Damn straight, and thus, the show is scheduled and I titled it, “But Seriously Folks”
Matt:  That is brilliant, and…quite mature.
Jay:  Thank You.
Matt:  You’re welcome and I will see you on the radio Sunday at Noon ET on I’m With Stupid.
Jay:  Damn right you will, and the blasphemer is going to get a more than public dressing down.
Matt:  Word.

Join us Sunday at Noon ET on IWS on Blog Talk Radio.  We will be defending our honor and maturity, and hope you listen and call-in to help us.

Cheers!!

Building The Perfect Woman

I had planned on writing about Mitt Romney and President Obama today, but last night at the Beer Mine, something happened that took today’s post topic in quite a different direction.

A lady came through to get some beer.  She was very charming, very polite, and incredibly cute.  However…

The chick had a “crazy eye”.  One of her gorgeous eyes was askew.  Kinda like the late, great Jack Elam…

But nonetheless, and as she pulled away, I began thinking…If she were to wear an eye patch, that chick would be hot!!  And then, I thought…

Even without an eye patch, she still would be hot because there are certain, “out of the mainstream” physical characteristics that I find attractive on a woman.

While I am a fan of breasts on the more, shall we say, ample side, I am even more of a fan of great cleavage, and some women regardless of boob girth, have great cleavage, for example, Katy Perry…

Another thing I have always dug on a chick, is a big nose…Now it has to be an attractive big nose.  Kelly Clarkson has a decent schnoz that I would like to blow, and it’s pierced, which is kinda cute…

Now, right wing talking head, and FOX News contributor Laura Ingraham, has the epitome of a sexy nose…

but as I find her to be a repugnant human being, I just can’t go there, although I guess I just did.

Anyhoo...

Eyebrows!!  I dig fertile, furtive, and cocked eyebrows…A good eyebrow can say so much.  And as far as eyebrows today, I have to give a shout-out to touchy-feely, super elitist, and uber-liberal, Alex Wagner of MSNBC…

Dat chick got some sexy ‘brows!!  I want to lick them!!

Another off the mainstrean liking I have, is a woman with a gap between her two front teeth.  Who comes to mind?

Anna Paquin…

In addition, Anna is sporting some sex cleavage in that picture, and a touch of the crazy eye as well!!

So there you have it folks.

My perfect chick would have an eye patch (or not), great boobs and cleavage, a big nose, expressive eyebrows, and a gap between her two front teeth.

In other words, she would look like this…

I don’t care what you say…THAT’S HOT!!

And you know what else is hot?

Listening to Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio today at 11 AM ET.

We are going to do an early analysis of the looming Steel Cage Death Match between Willard Mitt Romney and Barack Hussein Obama.  It is gonna be a HOOT, so…

Join us LIVE at 11 AM ET today by clicking HERE, and remember you can always call-in live at 661.244.9852.  We so loooooove the calls from you folks.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws