Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa football fans! You know? I’m pretty
much to the point where I have to mute NFL football games because of the announcers
and “analysts.” The NFL guys annoy me because of the way they shower the QB and
head coach with praise non-stop throughout the game.
No matter what is happening on the field the announcers heap
praise on one or both of the starting quarterbacks throughout the game. A QB
can take the snap, drop straight back heave the ball down field and the
receiver can have to leap backward and catch the ball while standing on his
head and the announcers will go bonkers over the “amazing” pass. If there
happens to be a defensive player within ten feet of the QB when he throws the
ball the announcers will praise him for showing so much courage in the face of
a vicious pass rush.
The only time they stop praising the quarterback is when
they want to blow sunshine up the head coach’s ass. Here’s a typical generic
example …
Russell Wilson drops back to pass, the blitz gets through
the line forcing the Wilson to scramble, he spins and runs to his right, but
there are defenders there too, so, he reverses field, gives ground, cuts back
to his left, sets his feet as best he can, heaves desperation pass wayyyyyyyyyy
down the field, it gets tipped by a defensive back and the receiver makes a
diving catch in the end zone.
What does the announcer say after that happens? WHAT A GUTSY
PLAY CALL BY PETE CARROLL!!!”... This leaves the viewer saying WTF man?
I swear I can’t stand it anymore. According the people who
announce NFL games a group of around eight white quarterbacks plus Russell
Wilson are the GREATEST HUMAN BEINGS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! I’m not
asking them to be honest and objective about the QB’s play each week, but if
they could just tone it down a bit that would be nice.
College announcers tend to focus more on kissing the coach’s
ass more than the player. They know the player will be gone soon enough, but
the coach will be around for years and years. It’s pretty close to being as
annoying as all the QB praise from the NFL guys, but college football is so
much more fun to watch, it isn’t as annoying.
What does annoy me about college and NFL announcers equally
is the stupid shit they say each week. I took some notes the last few weeks so
I could share some real doozies with you.
- Lots of announcers say things like “The ‘young’ rookie” or
“The ‘young’ freshman.” Really, a rookie in the NLF is “young?” A freshman in
college is …. “YOUNG?” I never would have thought about that. (Cris Collinsworth and Doug Flutie are the
worst at this.)
- Guess what color the player who was described as having “cocky
speed” was? Yeah, he was a “scrappy” white guy.
- “The last thing Coach Snyder needs from his team now is
for them to force errors that are unnecessary.”
Wait. What?
- This was a great one …
Play-By-Play Guy: “Arkansas with their first meditative
drive of the game.”
Analyst: *Long Pause* “Yeah, that was a very methodical
drive.”
Play-By-Play Guy: “Right! That’s what I was going for!
Methodical!”
I would love to see meditative offenses: “Okay you visualize
yourself running a crossing route and running your defender into the umpire.
YOU go to your happy place down the sideline. And you close your eyes, hold
onto the ball tight and then manifest your dreams of yourself frolicking and
running fast through a field into reality.”
- Another hilarious exchange…
Analyst: “The play was counterfeited at the point of attack.”
Play-By-Play Guy: “You mean compromised?”
Analyst: “Yeah, that too.”
- Out of bounds calls are complicated…
“The runner goes out of bounds, but for some reason they
call him out of bounds.”
“It looks like they called him out of bounds when he stepped
out of bounds.”
Great NLF analysis here…
“Joe Flacco needs to the throw the ball and the receivers
need to catch the ball.”
And, some college QBs are very damn clever…
“You give this guy some options and he’ll take one!.”
