Luis Guerrero is the Statue of Liberty!!

Hola…I mean...Hello.

Luis Guerrero here, and I want to say something.

Thank you America for welcoming me into your somewhat warm and embracing, yet sometimes cold and snowy country, which I hate.

The snow and the cold that is, not the country.

After several years of working hard, paying taxes, receiving no benefits, and living on a prayer and a Green Card, I took my citizenship test in July, had my citizen induction ceremony yesterday, and am now proud ‘Merican.

I know right?

You thought I simply tried to escape the hunger and empty dinner table of Mexico, by traversing hundreds of mile of desert, and all the while evading Border Patrol Agents and ne’er do wells, in order to simply come here to rape your pearly white daughters, illegally siphon off of your unending stream of goodwill, and raise the political capital of one Canadian-Born Cuban, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX).

But no…This is not the case.

You see?

I came to ‘Merica to escape the poverty of my land…to realize that I can work and gain reward…to know that I don’t have to look over my back to see if a pissed off drug cartel guy, with gun in hand, is looking at me “funny.”

I came to marry a lady and have a happy, not so worried and not so hungry life with kids, cookouts, and parties once in awhile.

I came here as a hard worker who just wanted an opportunity.  ‘Merica is all about that, and she has given me my opportunity, and I will not let her down, because I won’t let myself or my family down, but let me tell you…

Now that I am ‘Merican, I have put in for a two weeks vacation.  As an ice delivery guy, I may or may not get to your place of business on time, and…

There will be a ten minute break between every ten ice bags I put into your cooler.  The new helper, with far less seniority, demands it.  And really? Who am I to judge?

Drive-By Mikey and Matt-Man may make fun of my new, slower process to filling their Ice Machine, but that’s because they we’re born with silver Ice Machines in their mouths, and I?

I was born with the deadly taste of the Chupacabra within my thirsty and hungry mouth.

I had to cross a desert twice and put up with INS for ten years in order to fill the Beer Mine's goddamn ice machine.

If either of those bastards had to walk a mile in my shoes, you know what they would say?

“Ewwwww, ouch, ouch, the hot desert sands of death are too much for my fragile feet.  I guess I’ll just live here in a life of squalor and crime.”

Coños!!  Er sorry…Pussies!!

Sorry…Sorry…I get off course.  Here’s the deal.

After ten years of paying my dues, and paying my taxes, I am ‘Merican.  I am not stealing your job or your hope.  I am living the life of a guy who loves his wife, his kids, and the chance of a better life here in ‘Merica.

And…Now that I am a true ‘Merican and have official seniority, it would be sweet if my route was changed, and I would no longer have to deliver ice to Mike and Matt again.

¡Adiós!  And God Bless 'Merica!!

Luis Guerrero…’Merican

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt’s Facebook Page

Weight Loss Surgery and Sneaking Into the Country

Hola y’all! Man, what a day! I tell you what guys, there are two things I’ll never do. Well, other than the obvious “follow a strange man into a dark alley” thing. I’ll only fall for that once. Anyway, I’m never gonna have weight loss surgery nor will I ever try to sneak into the country. Both of those things terrify me.

We had our good friend Dana Lu (who you can fine here, here, here and here) on IWS to tell us all about her Sleeve Gastrectomy (or Gastric Sleeve)
today and there’s really nothing about it that sounds like fun to me. Basically, they take up to 85% of your stomach and leave you with about a 4 oz stomach and a sleeve to connect it somewhere to the small intestine. They didn’t even let her keep the stomach that they cut out!!

Now, she’s going through the process of getting back on solid foods. She did the liquids only thing and is now only allowed pureed foods. And not a lot at a time either. Basically, a tiny bit of chicken, one broccoli and two lima beans tossed into a blender and mixed all up into a liquid and that’s dinner! Bon Appetite!

And you know the worst part? As if it could get worse than no more double cheeseburgers for life? How ‘bout NO MORE SOFT DRINKS OR BEER FOR LIFE??!! Yup, looks like I’m never doing anything as crazy as this. I don’t drink anything other than beer and Pepsi! Well okay, I have some 2% milk on my Frosted Flakes.

Seriously though, this weight loss surgery thing is no joke and my hats off to Dana for having the courage and determination to do it. She clearly made up her mind to totally commit herself to not just have the surgery but the lifestyle change necessary to make it work and seems to be off to a great start in a new, healthier chapter of her life.

Then, it was time for The Ice Man Louis to come on the show. You know what this crazy guy did? He walked across the desert and sneaked into the US! … TWICE!!!! IKNOWRITE??!

The first time their “guide” got them lost and he just wandered up the main road and waited for the Border Patrol to pick his ass up and take him back to Mexico. The second time he made it to Phoenix, but was basically held prisoner there until he could buy his freedom.

Eventually he made his way to Bagwine, Ohio, became a LEGAL resident and by next year will be an American Citizen.

Seriously y’all, we’re all a bunch of pussies compared to some people. I mean, I guess we’re all capable of doing what Dana and Louis have done to make their lives better, but not all of us are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to do it. We had a great time with both Dana and Louis (and Louis’ wife Michelle who is a hoot!) today, but underneath the laughter and jocularity two really great stories were told on IWS today.

We have done 231 shows on I’m With Stupid, and while I’ve loved every second of doing each and every one of them, Losing it with Dana (and Louis) is, if not my absolute favorite and best show we’ve ever done, it’s at least in the top three. I highly recommend you check it out.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

And you can do so by using BTR’s new fancy-pants player… 

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I Don't Fucking Think So with Hank Philpot

Hello.  Hank Philpot here.  I’m a friend of Matt-Man.  I was going off on some things the other day to him and he said I could write down my bitches about the world today on this blog thing.

He told me that today, I could consider the IWS blog to be my, tablet razor or something like that.  I don’t know what he meant by that, but here I am….Hank Philpot.

I guess there is a big outrage over the Super Bowl.  Seems some folks have their panties in a wad because TV microphones picked up Joe Flacco saying, “Fucking Awesome!!” right after they won the SuperBowl the other night.  So what?

I’m not a Joe Flacco fan, but the dumb dago just won the damn NFL Championship.  What’s he supposed to say?  “This is a pleasant experience?”

I don’t fucking think so.

He won the Goddamn Super Bowl for Chrissakes, and lemme tell ya…If that dumb dago had said that winning the Super Bowl was, “a pleasant experience”, I would have forever and into the future or whatever, referred to him as, Joe Faggo.

Another thing.  I see that every time a teacher or a classmate of any elementary school, high school, or even higher schools dies, they bring in “grief counselors” for today's squishy, soft, chicken pot pie pupils.  What the hell is up with that?  People die every damn day.

I remember my Junior year of high school when the entire head of our shop teacher, Mr. Durwood Whitt, literally exploded right before our eyes due to an aneurysm.  Did the school bring in grief counselors for us?

I don’t fucking think so.

They brought in the head janitor, Roy Jenks.  And us and ol’ Roy scrubbed the shop room down together. We didn't see it as a tragedy.  We saw it as an event that taught us how to safely and efficiently remove blood and brain tissue from a drill press and a table saw.

I read today that that soft-handed, “friend of the working man” Ed Schultz said, with a scour, that Republicans want immigration reform, but don’t want them to have voting rights during their legal consideration status.  Yeah, so what Ed?  Is that a bad thing?

I don’t fucking think so!!

Foreign workers with a VISA or MasterCard, and tourists with passports are also here under a legal status.  Does that mean you want candy-assed Europeans who visit Palm Beach to be able to vote? Do we want Nazi Nate, Bok Choy Charlie, and Quesadilla Quintana to be able to have their voices heard as to who runs these God-Fearing United States of America?

I don’t fucking think so!!

Lastly.  I read yesterday’s post from Jayman…What the fuck?  He spoke of being in the barber chair while some gal-barber cut his hair all the while listening to some ex-meth head gal with an addicted father who became clean and had a sex change, speak her mind. What the hell is that?

Much to his credit, Jayman remained calm and carried on.  Would I have done the same in his situation?

I don’t fucking think so!!

I would have said…

“I’m sorry that you are a post-strung out meth whore, and you father is some sort of queer, but could you please shut your yap long enough for this working gal to finish trimming my noggin without cutting off my Goddamn ear?”

I thank you for your time, and maybe I’ll do this again, but…

I don’t fucking think so.

Hank Philpot

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws