Headlines, Get Your Headlines Here!!

Every time I have trouble of thinking of a topic on which to write, I always think of how Jayman writes funny headlines once in awhile.  I have threatened to do so myself in the past, and today as I had no grist in my mill last night, I offer these headlines that I would like to see…

Local Man in Ebola Video Goes Viral

Lee Majors To Reprise Role in New Warner Bros. Pic, The 1.6 Billion Dollar Man: Adjusted For Inflation

Merger Between Cialis and Viagra Produces World’s First Eight Hour Erection

Brussel Sprouts Enjoyed By Local First Grader

Liquor Store Owner Shoots Wild Turkey

The Words Virgin Mary Spontaneously Appear in Bowl of Alphabet Soup

MSNBC’s Ronan Farrow Daily Finally Garners First Viewer

ISIS Informant Reportedly Totally Hacked Off

A Clean And Sober Rob Ford To Run For Mayor of Gary, Indiana

Sierra Leone Renames Capital City To Stenchville

Dick Morris Predicts That The Next Pope Will Be a Presbyterian

Political Pundit Dick Morris Gunned Down By Drunken Catholic League President Bill Donohue

By Unanimous Vote, The U.S. House and Senate Agree To Outsource Their Legislative Duties

And lastly…

Trick-or-Treat Cancelled Due To Christmas Preparations

There ya have it…All the news that fits.  Enjoy your Tuesday and hey…let’s be careful out there, lest we become a headline ourselves.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Mitt Romney Shocked He Lost the Powerball

This is an IWS World News™ exclusive…

Calling it “more like WEAK-Ball, amIright?” Former GOP Presidential nominee Mitt Romney is reportedly “shocked” that he didn’t win the $500 million dollar Powerball Lottery. Romney is so stunned in fact, that he is refusing to acknowledge the loss while huddling with his advisors and family. There was a large crowd of mostly middle aged and older white males who had gathered at the Super Stop and Shop on Everett St in Boston, where Romney bought the ticket, to help the former Massachusetts governor celebrate, but they are mostly sad and dejected.

“We’re all just stunned” said one aid who asked to remain anonymous because he’s embarrassed to be associated with the Romney’s, “we’ve got all these Asians who all have PHD’s in statistics and mathematics and stuff, and they assured us that we had the right numbers.” Others are still holding out hope though, some have pointed out that the drawing isn’t official yet and they have a team of lawyers ready to roll on Mr. Romeny’s order.

Going the legal route isn’t without risk though. One member of the Romney team pointed out that they have to worry about public perception too. “What if the winner is a black or Hispanic single mother? It would be an absolute public relations disaster to go after someone like that. We have to be careful.”

But, there are still other supporters who think it’s worth a risk. Conservative firebrand Todd Akin says a minority single mother is the perfect target to go after and take the $500 million from. “She’ll just blow it on birth control and sexy toys,” says Akin. “That’s all those people think about, you know. It’s just disgusting. I think America would be absolutely appalled to see an irresponsible woman with loose morals win something as important and pure as the Powerball.”

Even Mitt Romney’s supporters in the media are at bit red-faced tonight. Conservative columnists Michael Barone and George Will both predicted that Romney would win the drawing. “When the ping pong balls have all come bouncing down that plastic and metal slide and lined up in an orderly fashion, Gov. Willard “Mitt” Romney will have won $500,000,000 American Dollars. I’m convinced it will happen. If it doesn’t, I’ll eat my bowtie,” said the Dean of the Washington Punditry, George Will.

Fox News’ Dick Morris couldn’t be reached for comment this evening. He has been the most vocal over the last couple of days in certainty that Romney would win. “Unless this thing is fixed, Romney has it nailed down. I’ve been running the numbers all day in my head and I see no scenario in which Romney loses.” Morris isn’t without his critics though, Matt-Man and Jayman, hosts of the wildly popular #1 Comedy Show on Blog Talk Radio “I’m With Stupid” have both pointed out that it was Dick Morris who once went on The O’Reilly Factor and declared that there was “no way whatsoever the Maginot Line can be penetrated by the Germans.”

Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) who was Romney’s running mate has been pretty quiet. “I’m not a numbers guy, you know. It’s all just a bit too fancy and complicated for me,” said Ryan. “I’ll just concentrate on helping to put together the 2013 Federal Budget and let them work this out.”

IWSWN™ will stay on top of this story and bring you the latest updates as we learn them.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Matt Said, Jay Said 4 (Non Blondes)

Matt impersonates Dick Morris.  Jay impersonates Dick Morris.  You feel the need to take a shower.

Matt:  Yo Yo and speak to me.
Jay:  Hi…This is Dick Morris is the lady of the house available, and if she is, what is she wearing?
Matt:  Well Hi…Dick Morris here too, and my 400 dollar an hour Asian girlfriend is here wearing nothing but a silk kimodo.
Jay:  Hee Hee…Don’t you mean that she is wearing a kimono?
Matt:  Oops…guess I was wrong yet again.  I seem to have a knack for that.

Jay:  So?  What up?
Matt:  M’eh.  Nothing much and you?
Jay:  Had chicken and made some Stove Top stuffing this evening.
Matt:  Sweet.  I looove stuffing.  You used broth instead of water in the stuffing didn’t you?
Jay:  Oh Hell yeah.  Using broth instead of water in Stove Top stuffing puts that exclamation point on it.
Matt:  IKR?  Broth brings out the spi--
Jay:  Should we…two manly men…be discussing the proper way to prepare Stove Top stuffing?
Matt:  Well…A good stuffing is important
Jay:  See?  That’s what I mean?  What you just said, sounds like the title of a Thanksgiving Day themed gay porn flick.
Matt:  Ai yi yi…you’re right.

(After an awkward thirty seconds of silence as Jay tweets a hot babe, and Matt tells Schmoop how sexy she is and how much he likes women…)

Jay:  So?  Sunday’s show?
Matt:  Um…I was thinking…We may be sarcastic bastards ’n’ shit but we are pretty nice guys.
Jay:  Yes we are.  Always there for others.  Emotionally philanthropic if you will.
Matt:  Yep.  Always a kind word for others.
Jay:  Sometimes we are too sweet for our own good.
Matt:  Exactly…We could do a show about how damn sweet and nice we are.
Jay:  Sounds Great!!

(After more pen clicking and Matt peeing in the sink…)

Matt and Jay:  Eh, I’m not feeling that.

Matt:  I had some chick follow me on Twitter today.  Said that she is a fan of IWS and she’s a lesbian.
Jay:  Man…We have several lesbians who read our site and listen to our show.  What’s up with that?
Matt:  I haven’t a clue, but I have noticed that too.
Jay:  Maybe they find us endearing as they know that as lesbians, we won’t hit on them.
Matt:  Exactly…

Matt and Jay:  Ha Ha Ha Ha, like that matters!!
Jay:  IKR?
Matt:  Lesbian or not?
Jay:  Who’s gonna be hitting on a hot, gay chick?
Matt and Jay:  THESE guys!!

Matt:  Alright, I guess we are set.
Jay:  Yep.  We’ll talk hot lesbians.
Matt:  Freaky lesbians.
Jay:  How that all works.
Matt:  Gotta know whose role is whose.

Jay:  Maybe some lesbians will call in and give you and I tips on how we can make a gay marriage work?
Matt:  We are soooo ready.
Jay:  Toodles!!
Matt:  Buh bye.

You can catch all the HOT LIVE Lesbian action this Sunday at Noon ET on IWS Radio.  To listen LIVE and/or call-in, click HERE!!

My Girlfriend is Gravely Ill, and Sadly...She Won't Shut Up About It!!

Many of you, yet some less frequent readers and listeners of the IWS website and radio show may not, know that my girlfriend, BFF, and OSP Schmoop, is quite ill.

Yep, she has developed some type of mass in her bile duct.  It could be cancerous, but…maybe not.  We won’t know until they go in to remove it in a couple of weeks.

She has been under medical house arrest for two weeks and let me tell you…IT’S BEEN HELL!!

I know…she has turned yellow…Has already had one procedure to temporarily open her blocked bile duct, may have cancer, and will definitely be losing not only the bile duct and her gall bladder, but perhaps parts of her liver, stomach, and pancreas as well, but c’mon?

Does anyone recognize what I am going through, and how this affects ME?

I didn’t fucking think so, and let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy on me, because well…The Chick Won’t Shut Up About It!!

I know…I know…She is very ill, but come on.  It’s not like she is in pain.  It’s not like she isn’t ambulatory. It’s not like her bodily functions don’t, well…function.

She can get around just fine.  She’s very coherent.  She has no pain, and yet, what do I hear all damn day?

“Honey could you make me some toast?  Honey could you get me some water?  Honey, I know you are trying to write a post, but I think I want a grilled cheese sandwich and peas for dinner…could you get on that?”

Yes, I know you have a tube running from your liver and it juts outside from the inside of your body and the aforementioned liver organ, but it’s not as though you are a quadriplegic.

It’s not like an innocent stomach tube and the potential of having cancer should prevent an otherwise able-bodied woman from making her own God Damned grilled cheese sandwich!!

My God woman, step up your game!!  I cannot fight your possible cancer on my own!!  But…

I don’t necessarily blame you entirely…for perhaps, maybe it was I who fucked up, and unknowingly enabled and unleashed your sense of ego-centric neediness by buying flowers for you the other day.

I think I regret that…no…I know that I regret that, especially because I didn’t go ahead and pick up that pound of hamburger that was on sale when I went to the grocery to get your flowers.  So?

Okay…that one is on me, but anyhoo…

Let me just say…It’s not like you can’t help out around the house during the day instead of laying there watching TV while you fail to collect a paycheck.

Yes I know…You tell me everyday that you will be having surgery in order to remove what could possibly be cancerous material, but until then, it wouldn’t hurt you, and in fact, it would be therapeutic for you to tidy up around the house while I am working at the Beer Mine.  After all, you don’t want your muscles to atrophy.

You could start by cleaning the bathroom.  You keep telling me it’s disgusting and that I should clean it, but seriously, when you clean out you’re your stomach tube every day, the bile goes everywhere but the bathroom sink, so when I think about it, that mess is all on you.

Another thing…You aren’t working.  You aren’t drawing an income.  Are you expecting me to find an additional job?  Of course you are, and that’s okay…I can work the Beer Mine, a part-time job, AND do the website and radio show…no problem.  It’s not like I’m not Superman!!  Unbelievable!! Thoughtless at the least.

Lastly, and this is directed to all my friends on Facebook, Twitter, through the show and the website, and my family…

It’s nice to hear from you every day asking me how Schmoop is, but seriously?  Could you once in awhile ask me how I am holding up?

Schmoop’s potential cancer is turning me into a wreck, exhausting me, and it’s not fair. I suffer too y’know!!

I mean sure…She may soon be losing parts of 4-6 to internal organs, but man, as you can see…

I’m the one who is hurting.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

And by the way folks...Jayman and I did another great radio show yesterday as we broke the 2012 Presidential election down and made lots of fun of Dick Morris.  If you missed it, you can catch it here:

Matt Said, Jay Said: 904.33

Matt mutters, Jay mumbles, You struggle to hear what was said ....

Matt: You’re phone bill is going to be enormous!
Jay: Parts of me already are.
Matt: Ewwwwwwww!
Jay: Don’t pretend that you’re not excited.
Matt: That’s what bothers me.
Jay: Stop fighting it and just accept it.
Matt: I will eventually, but I have to do these things at my own pace.

Matt: Where have you been tonight?
Jay: On Twitter.
Matt: Doing what?
Jay: Conversing with someone.
Matt: Oh really? Do I know him/her?
Jay: Oh yeah! Ms. Edita!
Matt: That’s hot!
Jay: Damn right. She listened to our Wed show and Tweeted it!
Matt: I think I’m in love.
Jay: Totally. I’m trying to get her to call in sometime.
Matt: Did she say she would?
Jay: She said she might “surprise” us.
Matt: I love surprises.
Jay: Maybe we’ll do a fashion show and feature her.
Matt: That’s a brilliant idea.

Jay: Who’s gonna win on Tuesday?
Matt: Well, I saw 973 pundits on TV today and they couldn’t agree.
Jay: Morons
Matt: I can’t believe how low the bar is to get a gig as a “pundit.”
Jay: We should make fun of them on the show.
Matt: We can do it!
Jay: And make our own predictions.
Matt: About the election and what will happen afterwards.
Jay: And things we would do if we were president.
Matt: And we just have to make fun of Dick Morris.
Jay: What a tool!
Matt: He’s a fucking moron.
Jay: Maybe we’ll come up with other great predictions he has made over the years.
Matt: Perfect.
Jay: And people can call with their predictions.
Matt: Phone lines are always open!
Jay: Just like our hearts!
Matt: And minds!
Jay: And legs!
Matt: Exac … what?
Jay: Sorry, I got carried away.
Matt: You need to learn some self-control.
Jay: I’ll work on it.
Matt: That’s all I can ask.

Okay kids, there’s another behind the scenes look at the making of the NUMBER ONE comedy show on Blog Talk Radio! Be sure to join us for “Pundits and Pinheads” on Sunday at 12 Noon ET (and don’t forget to fall back an hour). It’s gonna be another classic!

And, while you’re waiting for that show, check out Wednesday’s fun and games when we talked about Halloween, Hurricane Sandy and took a call from our favorite Canadian babe Jamie! It was a good time.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio