Gretchen Carlson Hates Starbucks But Loves IWS Radio

Hi folks...Gretchen Carlson here for IWS Radio and while the holidays are yet a few days away from
kicking off, The Annual War on Christmas has already begun.

Starbucks in their infinite, secular wisdom have decided to remove all Christian symbols from their Holiday cups. That's right...

No longer will the birth of Christ be celebrated with red cups harking snowflakes, snowmen, ornaments, nor holly leaves, and I...Am...OUTRAGED!!

On top of that, holiday travel plans have to be made...winter clothes need to be washed...

The Thanksgiving menu needs to be planned, and liquor cabinets need to be fully stocked to fuel the petty and forthcoming family feuds. But worry not my fellow soldiers of Christ.

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team have a jam packed show in store this Sunday from 8 PM ET-10 PM ET to help you survive the onslaught of secularism, and help you navigate the turbulent holiday waterways. Take a look...

The Holidays are fast approaching and that means it's time for Matt and Jay to help folks deal with the pressures and stress of family and travel. We're gonna give you some tips on how to make your travel much easier and more enjoyable. Plus, we know that there really is such a thing as too much family time so we'll help you out with that too.

The Holidays also mean several other important things. The weather is turning colder and it won't be long before global warming is proven to be a hoax when it gets bitterly cold and snows in the northern parts of the U.S. We'll help you prepare for the White Death! Most importantly the Holidays mean the War on Christmas is raging once again. Starbucks fired the first salvo of 2015 with their offensive red cups. Needless to say Donald Trump is all over this outrage and he'll be here to discuss it.

And it's almost time for Jay to make his annual trip to beautiful, mysterious and exotic Omaha, Nebraska for Thanksgiving. Matt and Jay have some strong opinions on Thanksgiving foods and holiday treats and we will share those with you this week too. All this plus Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf and the IWS Players will be along to make everyone laugh, think and cry as always. All this and YOUR CALLS!

Sounds to me that these two studs are on the ball and are going to help us all out. So...

Join Jay and Matt LIVE this Sunday from 8 PM ET-10 PM ET as IWS Radio presents: Holiday Season 2015: The Red Cup Menace

You can catch all the action LIVE or later in archives by clicking HERE.

Vacation Is Over...Ammo Up Christians; It's The War on Christmas 2014

Cheers and Hola.  We here at IWS Radio hope that all of you enjoyed your Thanksgiving week as much as we did.  As you can tell, or maybe not, since you don’t visit the website that often, that Jay and Matt were pretty much off this week.  In fact…

They didn't even do an IWS Radio Show last week.  Well…let me tell you.  They are back tomorrow…

WITH A VENGEANCE!!

Even Rolling Stone magazine has something to say about tomorrow’s IWS Radio Show:

“Recently thankful Americans are cursing all of their Thanksgiving leftovers. Hopeful bargain hunters spent Black Friday cursing each other, and in Ferguson, MO., people are cursing their pizza cravings after burning down their only Little Caesar’s. People are angry man; they’re really angry, and it all stems from a common thread…

People are once again hating on the Holy Baby Jesus and his upcoming birthday, so…

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio players recap the recent Thanksgiving holiday, analyze the current and ongoing outbursts of anger, and kickoff the 2014 War on Christmas. No nativity scene is safe from secularists and any bell ringer or Wal*Mart greeter who utters Happy Holidays will be promptly pummeled by a soldier of Christ.  

Jay and Matt try to make sense of it all, rein in the madness, and take your phone calls at 661.244.9852 as IWS Radio braces itself and America for the 2014 War on Christmas.”

High praise indeed coming from a secularist, rock ’n’ roll publication. And, well…We are comfortable with that.

So…

Join IWS Radio tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as Jay and Matt recap recent events and suit up, arm up, and prepare for the War On Christmas 2014.

To listen LIVE click HERE!!

My Name Is Thanksgiving...Remember Me?

Hi all…Thanksgiving here for I’m With Stupid. Yeah…That’s right, I’m Thanksgiving.

An actual entity called Thanksgiving, talking to you from the pages of I'm With Stupid. Well, not an actual entity…perhaps more of a spiritual entity. And sadly…

Be I spiritual, or corporeal, an entity that has now grown old and hackneyed in the eyes, minds, and souls of many Americans.

I used to matter. Yep, it’s true.

Hell, for nearly 150 years I was a big deal. Ever since Lincoln called for a national day of Thanksgiving, families across America would once a year, gather ‘round their tables, break bread, repair old friendships, and once in awhile, begin new ones.

It was a day that the entire nation took a deep breath, reflected on its heritage, and showed appreciation for those who through immigration, religious persecution, or just plain luck, ultimately allowed those of us here today, to enjoy the fruits of this nation.

And now?

I Thanksgiving, have become but an oxymoron in that I am both an afterthought and noted precursor to the commercial hegemony that is Christmas.

I deserve more than that.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on the courage of those who offered America her chance at greatness when they landed on Plymouth Rock and elsewhere, in hopes of building a brighter future in the face of hunger, sickness, and more than a few pissed off Indians.

And…while it’s true that July 4, 1776 marks the birth of this great nation and we celebrate it magnanimously, the stubborn and fertile seed that was planted in order to make that happen, was sown when the brave and oppressed from Europe landed here some 150 years prior to that.

And on Thanksgivings prior, we as a nation, as neighborhoods, and as families, would celebrate the struggles of the Pilgrims and the arduous task of colonizing this country.

We would give thanks to those gone before us and more importantly to those with us, because just as the Pilgrims had to rely upon each other, we would recognize the fact that we rely upon our families and friends as well.

And then, just somewhat recently…the national camaraderie muted, the familial bonds loosened, and the hour glass speed at which we celebrated Thanksgiving and each other, turned into the break neck pace of a stopwatch counting down to the Christmas season.

I today, am but a shell of my former self. I get six hours tops.

People eat at one or so, make small talk, exchange Christmas wish lists, and then, after a post-tryptophan nap, hit the stores for Black Friday sales, in the name of celebrating Jesus, the Maccabees, and whomever or whatever.

I today, in this world of 24/7 Cable News, big box store sales, and instant messaging, have become an anachronism…nothing more than a Norman Rockwell painting that embodies the “quaint” times which define, Americana.

I’m saddened, but have a word or two of hope for you on the day which honors me…

For those of you who are taking the time to celebrate Thanksgiving with friends and family, God bless you, and may you delight in the warmth of good food, good wine, and good company for hours upon end.

For those of you who look at me but nothing more than a prologue to Christmas, God bless you as well and I hope you soon rediscover what Cicero said many centuries ago:

“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues.” 

Sincerely,

Thanksgiving

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Tickle Me on Twitter
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This Thanksgiving, Matt-Man Is Giving Til' It Hurts

With less than a week before America gluttonously celebrates Thanksgiving with food, wine, and Black
Friday shopping specials, I thought it would be nice to take time and reflect on the word Thanksgiving itself…Specifically, the last half of said word.

Giving.

While it is nice that at this time of year people trumpet with clarion call for what they are thankful, it would be nice to hear more from the trumpeting brass section of life about what people are doing in the matter of giving.

I being a humble man, hate to broadcast the many nice things I have done for others, but I feel perhaps it is time to exploit relate a couple of incidences of my generosity that I have shown recently in order to give people a push to do the same in their lives.

Recently, Jayman approached me and asked if we could not do a show this Sunday, November 23rd.  He said that he needed to spend quality time with his family in honor of Thanksgiving.  I said, “Of course, family comes first.”  However…

When Blog Talk Radio CEO Alan Levy was informed about us not doing this Sunday’s show, he with gnashing of the teeth and a less than competent posse of knife-wielding tech ninjas surrounding him said…

“You will surely do a show, or…you will surely die.”

Jayman along with a steel-spined and giving Matt-Man by his side, stood resolute…

Needless to say, we are still on Blog Talk Radio, but are not doing a show this Sunday.  And then?

The Beer Mine has a relatively new employee.  Beer Mine Beth has been with us for some seven months now and has kids…kids who desperately want, need, and hope to spend the blessed day of Thanksgiving with their mama, but…there was problem.

The Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd. in Bagwine, OH.) is open on Thanksgiving and Beth typically works on Thursdays.  Yours truly could not bear to envision her precious little ones spending Thanksgiving Day wiping away the tears, longing to be held in a maternal grasp while foraging on cold Beefaroni, so…

I told Beer Mine Beth that I would work Thanksgiving Day for her.  Sure I know…I could be spending it at home with my family, but, well…my family understands that the Welcome Mat laid upon the stoop of my heart and good-nature is one that reads:  “Wipe your troubles from off your feet; and at my giving table, please have a seat.”

Sure, it’s a pretty large welcome mat that contains that message, but let me tell you…the front porch of my heart is big enough to display it.

And well…That’s what I am all about this Thanksgiving...giving.  In fact, while some folks call me Matt-Man, some call me Matt, and others even call me Matty.  For all of the giving that I have been giving this Thanksgiving, I want to be known as the Amattican Red Cross.

Please follow my Christ-Like example, and as always…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Tweet Me
Friend Me on Facebook

Jay and Matt Killed It Yesterday

Oh sure, counting today Thanksgiving is still days away, but let me tell you…

Yesterday on IWS Radio?  Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players were cooking the turkey, praising the praises of others, and joyfully blessing everyone and everything that has made their lives better this year.

After friendly opening banter that included talk about NCAA basketball and football, Jay and Matt begged dared people to call-in and discuss how much they hated green bean casserole.  Nobody dared to challenge these two lovers of the aforementioned dish on this issue.

Sports Director Slyder Balzcock chimed in on how he was thankful for having Jayman as a friend and hoped that his thankfulness would turn into a free steak dinner.

Alarmist Weatherman was thankful for a few gadgets while Bobby Kraft listed a myriad of things for which he is grateful.  On the surface, many of these things seemed unseemly, but after further review, they were even more unseemly than originally thought.

The lovely Miss Jamie Mapleleaf provided tips to all Americans on how to better improve and Canadianize their Thanksgiving celebration.

Mr. Vague may or may have not explained all of the reasons as to why he is thankful, yet Beer Mine Beth definitely made her feelings known as we called her LIVE at the Beer Mine.

Schmoop was thankful for Matt, Jay and IWS Radio...we think.

Dusty, Joshua, KleeShay, Martin, The Rev, and Drew Peacock proclaimed Thanksgiving to be a holiday of peace…or something.

Guy Ahnyurdyck and Stubby Stonehenge looked at Thanksgiving as a time to get sloppy drunk as they discussed willy-willies.

All in all it was a good time as Jay and Matt celebrated their friends, family, and neighbors and took a multitude of congratulatory phone calls as they celebrated peace on earth and all that shit.

If you missed yesterday’s show LIVE, you can always catch it below in archives, so please do.  Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team would be very thankful that you did…

Jay and Matt Are Talking Turkey and Shoving the Stuffing

It’s almost Thanksgiving and what better way to prepare for our nation’s feast than to talk turkey and gobble up some laughs with Jay and Matt on the IWS Radio Show?

Tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET, Jay and Matt will discuss Thanksgiving memories, pumpkin flavor overkill, and most importantly how to deal with drunk and/or judgmental family members who enjoy bringing others to tears during the holiday gatherings.

Jay and Matt will have the great debate…Green Bean Casserole, disgusting trash or delectable treasure?

All hands will be on deck as Bobby Kraft, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Drew Peacock, Rev. Moneymaker, Slyder Balzcock and the rest of IWS team talk about what they are thankful for while Joey Goodbar and Buddy Acapella sing the sounds of Thanksgiving.

All of that plus YOUR phone calls as IWS Radio kicks off the holiday season by plucking the birds, shoving the stuffing, and serving up the laughs as America celebrates Thanksgiving 2014.

Join us LIVE TOMORROW from Noon-2 PM ET as IWS Radio celebrates Thanksgiving with our Thanksgiving 2014: A Cornucopia of Comedy edition.

To listen LIVE (or later in archives) click HERE!! 

Jay and Matt Brought the Bavarian Beer Garden Down

Let me tell you what…There are pod casts and then there are pod casts…yeah I know...everyone knows that by definition, but I was being dramatic and hyperbolic.

Anyhoo…

Yesterday, Jay, Matt and the IWS Radio players put on a show that will go down in German history as the greatest accomplishment since the push through the Netherlands and Belgium. (Which, since both were and are still Kingdoms, well…is not THAT great of an accomplishment, but whatever.)

After a week longeing for friendly banter, Jayman had plenty of joyful German music and linguistic lessons on tap.  Matt-Man even counted to twelve in German.  It’s true!!

The greatest German proverbialist ever was on hand as Pete Nietzsche talked sunrises, chickens, and well whatever.  He was awesome.

Bobby Kraft chimed in with a dramatic reading of Paul Simon’s 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover in honor of Matt-Man’s impending divorce.  The entire chat room immediately divorced their significant other.

The IWS law firm of Wie, Love, Kuntz showed their legal bad asses, and offered their help to anyone and everyone.

Rev. Moneymaker tried to make sense of Matt-Man’s ungodly and heretical divorce.  As always, he left us all with more questions than answers.

Schmoop had her say about Matt-Man getting divorced and it left us all with more tears than smiles.  Odd.

Jesse Ferg and a myriad of guests sexed up the chat room and Jesse is now in the custody of the Marion Police Department.

Lastly, in addition to wheat beer infused friendly Oktoberfest and divorce related chit chat between Jay and Matt, our fave Canadian Jamie Mapleleaf chimed in and we attempted to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving with a Canadian turkey no less.

If that’s not enough to entice you to listen to the show…you’re dead inside.  And…well…even if you are, give it a listen and help out Jay and Matt who are still sort of alive inside.

They’ll feel better and you might just laugh.  Give IWS Radio a listen, and get outta here Mc Gooooooooo…

A Special Thanksgiving Message from Paul Piatt

Gentle and heartfelt greetings to all of you discerning drinkers of the warm and aromatic coffee of life that is IWS Radio.

Renown poet and IWS Literary Editor, Paul Piatt here, bringing you some of today’s finest in the world of poetry, prose, and people.

Today during our journey along the sullied boulevard of words made magical, and life’s pentameters made iambic, I offer unto you a dollop of green bean casserole and slice of pumpkin pie of anecdotal nostalgia from my Thanksgivings past.

As a bright-eyed and wide-eyed erstwhile ragamuffin growing up in the bucolic cottage town of Moultonborough, N.H., the familial warmth generated by the annual autumnal reunification of the Piatt diaspora, was an emotional upheaval of good tidings, and the memories of which I have today, remain so.

November in Moultonborough is rife with the lavish harvest of the summer past, replete with a cornucopia of nature’s agricultural bounty as well as the comforting and beatified paradox that lies within the thunderous and towering Ossipee Mountain range to the north, and the soothing and ebbing waters of Lake Winnipesaukee to the south.

Moultonborough is enveloped by a natural hug, and for me, a familial embrace.  And I cherish with whimsy, my memories of Thanksgivings past during my many years of propagation into adulthood.

I can, some nearly three score later, smell the aroma of mother cooking a freshly plucked goose and turkey.

I can hear the whimsical conversations between my father and Aunt Louise develop into a naughty, yet, in jest only, series of double entendres and playful friskiness as they clinked their glasses full of Crown Royal.

I can see my Uncle Rupert looking into the mirror as he with the four hands of Hindu Goddess Kali trying to make his folically challenged scalp seem hair borne.

I can taste the fist of my angry cousin Winston as he would  forcefully baste his tightly curled five knuckles upon my pre-turkey ingestitive mouth…I cannot accurately describe the taste of his fist, but whenever I travel to Cincinnati on lecture tour and am served Skyline Chili, my taste buds recall the taste, and reactively recoil.

I can also, and am ashamed to say, that at the age thirteen as I was on the brink of burgeoning into a man, I remember the aforementioned Aunt Louise grabbing my hand, placing it upon her right breast and asking...

“How does this feel?”

As I was in still in my Dylan Thomas period, I responded…

“It feels that as though you have just turned me into an alcoholic.”

But alas…

I would not trade my Thanksgiving years gone by for anything, because while I have not much, I have everything…and while I do not everything, I have all that I need.

As Moultonborough summer resident and American poet John Greenleaf Whittier said…

To see our Father’s hand once more
Reverse for us the plenteous horn
Of autumn, filled and running o’er
With fruit, and flower, and golden corn!

On behalf of the IWS Radio family…

I wish you all a very happy, warm, non-judgmental, and angst free Thanksgiving!!

Paul Piatt
.

Coming Soon to IWS: A Paul Piatt Thanksgiving Message

Coming this Thursday November 28th, to the pages of the IWS Radio website...

A very special Thanksgiving message from renown poet and IWS Literary Editor...

Paul Piatt

A Holiday Break Comes to IWS Radio

Cheers and Happy Monday to you all…This is Hangover Matt typing a mundane post on the IWS Radio website.

Hungover?  Matt?  I am shocked!! You are saying?

Well let me tell you, typically on Sundays here in the Bagwine digs, after Jay and I do the radio show, my partner in crime Schmoop, usually eats and then goes to bed, leaving me to just calmly “hang out” for the day.

Yesterday, that was not the case, noooooo.

After another excellent IWS Radio Broadcast, Schmoop popped open some beers, we listened to music, watched the incredible lightning displays, and five hours and a thirty pack of Milwaukee Best Light later, we were wonderfully tanked!!

Oh hell yes…tanked, but…It was nice.

We don’t get to do that together very often, and in fact, unless I dreamt it, we were even naked together part of that time.  That right there is an incredible rarity!!

Yes…yesterday was nice.

But yesterday is over and now, it’s time to get back to work, and back to the ice cold harshness of reality, or something.  Seriously though, today, let’s just catch our breath as I outline some goings on here at IWS.

Our November 9th show was of course #1 in Comedy, but also hit #3 in the much larger Entertainment category, so a big ol’ shout to all of you who listened and helped us to hit that mark!!

Jayman is leaving for warm and wonderful Omaha this coming Saturday, and will be enduring his family for a week so IWS Radio will be on a hiatus of sorts.

Yep, next week, there will be no posts on the IWS website (unless something earth shattering happens) annnnnd…the will be no IWS Radio Show on Saturday November 24th.  I know…I know…that’s a tough pill to swallow, but it must be.

Jayman will be whooping it up in Nebraska and I will use that day to procure the needed supplies for our big Thanksgiving menu which I will be preparing here in the Bagwine digs on the 28th.

Also, we have picked up some new fans on Facebook, so if you haven’t liked the IWS Radio page, you can click right here and help a couple brothers out as well.

Also, we have always asked people that if they have something to say, they are more than welcome to post on the IWS website.  If you ‘d like to do that simply get a hold of Jay or me, and you will become famous.

Lastly…

Jayman and I did another award winning IWS show yesterday.  We talked turkey and the holidays.  Martin had some Meditations, Dixie Ozark was awesomely amusing, Buddy Acapella debuted his new #1 hit song, Stubby Stonehenge gave a history lesson on Nebraska, and we had a delightful phone call from Greg of Circle G Ranch.

It was, in a word, awesome!!

So give it a listen.  If this show doesn't put you in the holiday mood, you are already dead inside.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Matt Said, Jay Said...888-836-7025

Matt strains to hear...Jay whispers...You say, what the fuck?

Matt:  Hello?
Jay:  hello.
Matt:  HELLO?
Jay:  matt…it’s me, jayman.
Matt:  JAY!?
Jay:  shhhh…keep it down.
Matt:  What?  Why the hell are you whispering?
Jay:  i’m at nana creta’s funeral and this is our only chance to prep before sunday’s show.

Matt:  oh okay…how’s the funeral going?
Jay:  oh fine, i haven’t embarrassed myself yet.
Matt:  excellent…is your hair still holding its own again the wind and the elements.
Jay:  it looks pretty damn good…if i do say so, myself.
Matt:  you just did.
Jay: i know right?

Matt:  hey…our show this sunday is a blog talk radio staff pick.  we need to be “on it.”
Jay:  i know…it’s as if btr knew i was grieving and vulnerable and decided to finally feature our show.
Matt:  it’s as if those bastards know when we aren’t ready.
Jay:  that’s okay; we’ll adapt and overcome.

Matt:  true dat.  what are you guys doing after the funeral?
Jay:  probably just hang out, and play some yahtzee or something.
Matt:  HA!!
Jay:  shhhhhhhh
Matt:  ooooo….sorry, but it’s funny you say that, because Schmoop and I are currently playing monopoly.
Jay:  awwww, that’s nice.  board games like that bring people closer together.
Matt:  i love board games, especially at this holiday time of year with friends and family getting together.

Jay:  maybe we could talk about our all-time favorite games n’shit.
Matt:  AWESOME IDEA!!
Jay:  DAMN MATT….SHHHHHHHH.
Matt:  you too…shush…
Jay:  oh jeez…okay, i’m better now.  that was close…
Matt:  everything okay?
Jay:  yeah, i think perhaps that one freaky cousin i barely know heard me, but it’s all good.
Matt: okay.

Matt:  okay then…we’ll talk about the holidays and board games bringing us all together with jesus and each other…

Matt:  jay?

Jay:  sorry…rev. moneymaker is eulogizing.
Matt:  our rev. moneymaker?
Jay:  well sure…he’s already on staff…why pay for an outsider?
Matt:  wow…from now on when i think of you, i will think…cost-effective.
Jay:  hey, money doesn't grow on trees ya know, but in a way, board games do.
Matt:  good point.

Jay:  alright then…i think we are ready for the games people play show.
Matt:  yes we are.  it should be a huge one.
Jay:  but not nearly as huge as the life that my nana creta lived.
Matt:  word.  a good woman through and through.
Jay:  yes she was, and will be missed.

Matt and Jay:  AMEN!!

Matt and Jay:  OH SHIT!!  shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So folks, join IWS Radio LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET as Jay and I discuss our favorite games, and as we discuss the wicked mind games that friends and family play throughout the holiday season.

To listen LIVE this Sunday, you can click right HERE!!  

Step Back, Relax, and Give Thanks

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”

--Thornton Wilder

As many consistent readers and listeners of IWS know, life has hit a rough patch here in the Bagwine digs for Schmoop and me, and it would be easy, on this day of thanksgiving, to write about how my spirit, soul, and optimism have experienced blunt force trauma to the skull, but I refuse to allow that to happen.

After all…It’s Thanksgiving Day here in America, and in spite of  personal setbacks, serious illness, and what could only be called, plain bad luck, I am very thankful for many things.

In spite of my oft times public displays of cynicism and sarcasm, I am at heart, a bit of an optimist, and perhaps that is why Thanksgiving has always been and has remained, in spite of its growing irrelevance in the eyes of many Americans of late, my favorite holiday.

Don’t get me wrong; Christmas is fantastic…

Christmas shines with the glow of dazzlingly wrapped gifts, the colorful lights, good-natured ho ho ho’s, and smiles on the faces of babes, but Thanksgiving has for me, always contained something much warmer, more comforting, and much brighter than the wonderful excitement that abounds at Christmas.

Growing up, Thanksgiving was the family day.

With no interference or distractions of giving and receiving presents, my family of eleven would spend the day doing nothing, as we all burrowed within my mom and dad’s house while waiting for the Thanksgiving Day feast to be fully cooked and presented.

But by spending the day doing nothing, I mean, watching football together.  Playing football together.
Drinking beer together.  Making fun of each other together.  Smiling together, and having a great day together.

On those Thanksgiving days more than any other day of the year, we…were…family.

And to me?

It was the greatest feeling in the world, especially when I was eight years old or so, and was stuck eating at the kids’ table, which happened to be a rickety red card table with discolorations and indentations resulting from years of spilled beers and fist poundings from my Uncle Eddie’s inability and lack of luck to draw to an inside straight.

It didn’t matter; it was family…And today, on this glorious day of Thanksgiving…

In spite of Schmoop’s health challenges, I will be putting aside my angst, nervousness, and worries as to how our future will unwind, and do nothing but cook, drink, and enjoy my family.

I will spend the day calling my immediate family.  I will shoot my long-time friend Richard a call.  I may talk to my beloved partner in crime and friend, Jayman.  And I will of course…

Spend the day with my best friend of twelve years, Schmoop.

And a couple of things about Schmoop and I spending Thanksgiving together.  We won’t be spending it alone.

You see, a friend of mine, a very sweet friend…one of my very best friends Miss, came through the Beer Mine the other night and dropped some things off for Schmoop and I to have for Thanksgiving.

It was inordinately generous, and I said to her, “Miss, thank you so much, and I am sure I will thank you a hundred more times in the near future.”

Miss said to me, “Don’t thank me.  We are family. Family doesn't have to thank one and other.”

And she’s right.  Although not related, she and I have become family, because a deep and true friendship is like being family.

And that is how I feel about Miss, about Schmoop, about Jayman, and about a handful of my other friends.

And in spite of Schmoop’s bad turn, we have that family on which to fall, and rest, and chances are...many of you do as well.

And on this day of Thanksgiving, we need to take a second to realize that, and appreciate those who make life's slumber sound.

Cheers!!

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

IWS Babe of the Week: Thanksgiving Hotties!!

Thanksgiving is a few days away so let's gobble up some Thanksgiving Day Babes of the Week IWS style...

Anytime I see Rachel Ray pulling a hot, moist turkey from her oven, I get an incredibly hard wishbone...

Democrats and Republicans may fail to get along, but Indians and Pilgrims not only can, they have an estrogen-filled good time doing so... 

Can you say, Poke-a-Hottie..?

I hope that the oysters that she is cooking up for the dressing are going to make her go mad for me...

We already met Poke-a-Hottie, now allow me to introduce you to, Sock-It-Me-Uh...

Not a big fan of Rachel Ray, but I bet her pie tastes awesome...

Jay and I give thanks for her everyday, but on Thanksgiving, both of us always give a special thanks to our friend, the uber-lovely Tamra...

Happy Thanksgiving all, and...if you need advice on how to handle the stress, family in-fighting, and normal idiocy that transpires during the holidays...

You need to listen to IWS Radio today LIVE at Noon ET, as we offer advice on how to handle the clusterfuck that is the Holiday Season.

You can listen live today at NOON ET by clicking HERE, and/or...

Call us live with your questions and dilemmas at 661.244.9852.

Holiday Horoscope 2012

Hi all my darlings...Lana Jouray here with my astral tea leaf reading of whether this holiday season you will enjoy the gift of life, or spray yourself down under the mistletoe of indignity...

Aries March 21-April 19

Sure it’s nice to know that grabbing the winning side of the wishbone is yours to make a wish, but it is less nice to know that you spent your wish wishing it hadn’t come out of your own rib cage.

Taurus April 20-May 20

You will discover that saying to your Thanksgiving Day sex partner, “Oh it’s just too many cranberries.”, is in no way a good cover for the fact that you have hemorrhoids.

Gemini May 21-June 20

Your wife tells you that she wants this Christmas to be perfect.  That’s why you string the lights in an awesomely straight line, and then move to Tahiti and have sex with a chick who can suck an entire breadfruit through her mouth without gasping for air, and more importantly, not putting on weight in spite of the carbs. Perfect!!

Cancer June 21-July 22

It’s nice that you volunteered for the Salvation Army, but telling people, “I don’t need donations God Dammit, I just like to ring bells.”, is not helpful to the cause.

Leo July 23-August 22

Hanukkah is great, but that doesn't mean that you, celebrating your Judaism, have to spin your girlfriend atop your dreidel for eight straight days against her will, while yelling at her, “Antiochus Must Die!!”

Virgo August 23-September 22

You will become famous overnight, when it is discovered that you are the one person in the world, who truly enjoys the fruitcake that you received.

Libra September 23-October 22

You’ve always believed in the theorem, “The love you give, is the love you receive.”, and that is why on Christmas Eve, an evil man holding a ten pound sledge hammer will be decking your cranial halls.

Scorpio October 23-November 21

Sure, he fucked your wife, but after you took pictures, extorted him, and received a new gas grill and a Jaguar for your efforts, you believe in Santa Claus even more.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

The late President Millard Fillmore will resurrect himself, buy a gun, greet you with a “Merry Christmas”, and then shoot you.  He will then say to the Washington Post, “At least people will remember me now.”

Capricorn December 22-January 19

A bearded man and his wife from Galilee will come to your hotel, and unfortunately you will have to tell them that you are full.  You will come to regret this when a little boy continuously plays drums outside your establishment.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

On TV, Yukon Cornelius said that Bumbles bounce, but unfortunately for you, they bite as well.

Pisces February 19-March 20

A New Year brings hope and inspiration, which is why the hope you had after your parole will bring you the inspiration to knock over a liquor store three days later.

Ad Astra per Aspera

Lana

Poetry 'n' Such with Paul Piatt

Gentle, yet heartfelt greetings to all of you discerning drinkers of the warm and aromatic coffee of life that is the IWS website.

Renown poet and IWS Literary Editor Paul Piatt here once again, in order to share with you some of today’s finest in the world of poetry, prose, and people.

Today during our monthly and continuing journey of words made magical, and life’s pentameters made iambic, I introduce you to a fellow sommelier of intoxicating words, my friend and fellow poet, Vincent St. Millay.

Vincent hails from the rich and resplendent rolling hills of the eastern Kentucky coal mining cottage town, of Pikeville, KY., and writes in a tone and temper that reflects the austere background, and prevalent communal illiteracy in which his familial rearing took place.

Whenever I talk to Vincent at this time of year, he undoubtedly oratorically waxes lovingly in timbre and song much like that of the lucid and lyrical tones of a happily impregnated indigo bunting, as he verbally relives the festive Thanksgiving celebrations he experienced while growing up in a town of 6,892 people who were all related to one and other.

And while much of his poetry is sprinkled and written on the bias of good times for all, Vincent, in his award winning book from 1994, Maybe I’d Be Happier If Didn’t Smoke Bluegrass, sums up Thanksgiving from a different point of view…

That of the turkey…

View of a Turkey*

The turkey lay on a barrow dead.
It weighed, Eustis said, as much as three of Aunt Sheila’s head.
Its eyes closed, pink white feathers.
Its trotters stuck straight out.
Such weight and thick pink bulk
Set in death seemed not just dead.
It was less than lifeless, further off, but us it will fed.
It was like a sack of wheat.
I thumped it without feeling remorse.
One feels guilty insulting the dead,
Walking on graves. But this turkey
Did not seem able to accuse.
It was too dead. Dead without a head.
A poundage of lard will cook it up nicely.
No more dignity, just a few spicelies
It was not a figure of fun.
Too dead now to pity, but man, oh yum!!
To remember its life as he cackled about
Of earthly pleasure that had been cut out
Seemed a false effort, and off the point.
Too deadly factual. Its weight
Oppressed me — how could it be moved?
And the trouble of cutting it up!
The gash in its throat was shocking, but not pathetic.
And when I did cut him, I became apoplectic
To catch a strong gobbler
That was faster and nimbler than a cat,
Its squeal was the rending of screwing a chick who was fat.
Turkeys must have hot blood, they feel like ovens.
Their bite is worse than a horse’s —
They chop a half-moon clean out.
They mock you and curse you with their evil poultry shout.
Distinctions and admirations such
As this one was long finished with.
I stared at it a long time, and knew it would be delicious…ith
We scalded it clean
Scalded it and scoured it like a doorstep…

And then, we gave thanks, and ate it like ravenous wolves.

Feasting upon the death of a turkey, cranberries in their hemorrhoidal glory, and a Jell-O mold that looked like a liver gone bad.

Happy Thanksgiving gentle readers!!

For now, as I travel the road less traveled,

Paul Piatt
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

*With apologies to one of my favorite poets, the late Ted Hughes…

Matt Said, Jay Said 4 (Non Blondes)

Matt impersonates Dick Morris.  Jay impersonates Dick Morris.  You feel the need to take a shower.

Matt:  Yo Yo and speak to me.
Jay:  Hi…This is Dick Morris is the lady of the house available, and if she is, what is she wearing?
Matt:  Well Hi…Dick Morris here too, and my 400 dollar an hour Asian girlfriend is here wearing nothing but a silk kimodo.
Jay:  Hee Hee…Don’t you mean that she is wearing a kimono?
Matt:  Oops…guess I was wrong yet again.  I seem to have a knack for that.

Jay:  So?  What up?
Matt:  M’eh.  Nothing much and you?
Jay:  Had chicken and made some Stove Top stuffing this evening.
Matt:  Sweet.  I looove stuffing.  You used broth instead of water in the stuffing didn’t you?
Jay:  Oh Hell yeah.  Using broth instead of water in Stove Top stuffing puts that exclamation point on it.
Matt:  IKR?  Broth brings out the spi--
Jay:  Should we…two manly men…be discussing the proper way to prepare Stove Top stuffing?
Matt:  Well…A good stuffing is important
Jay:  See?  That’s what I mean?  What you just said, sounds like the title of a Thanksgiving Day themed gay porn flick.
Matt:  Ai yi yi…you’re right.

(After an awkward thirty seconds of silence as Jay tweets a hot babe, and Matt tells Schmoop how sexy she is and how much he likes women…)

Jay:  So?  Sunday’s show?
Matt:  Um…I was thinking…We may be sarcastic bastards ’n’ shit but we are pretty nice guys.
Jay:  Yes we are.  Always there for others.  Emotionally philanthropic if you will.
Matt:  Yep.  Always a kind word for others.
Jay:  Sometimes we are too sweet for our own good.
Matt:  Exactly…We could do a show about how damn sweet and nice we are.
Jay:  Sounds Great!!

(After more pen clicking and Matt peeing in the sink…)

Matt and Jay:  Eh, I’m not feeling that.

Matt:  I had some chick follow me on Twitter today.  Said that she is a fan of IWS and she’s a lesbian.
Jay:  Man…We have several lesbians who read our site and listen to our show.  What’s up with that?
Matt:  I haven’t a clue, but I have noticed that too.
Jay:  Maybe they find us endearing as they know that as lesbians, we won’t hit on them.
Matt:  Exactly…

Matt and Jay:  Ha Ha Ha Ha, like that matters!!
Jay:  IKR?
Matt:  Lesbian or not?
Jay:  Who’s gonna be hitting on a hot, gay chick?
Matt and Jay:  THESE guys!!

Matt:  Alright, I guess we are set.
Jay:  Yep.  We’ll talk hot lesbians.
Matt:  Freaky lesbians.
Jay:  How that all works.
Matt:  Gotta know whose role is whose.

Jay:  Maybe some lesbians will call in and give you and I tips on how we can make a gay marriage work?
Matt:  We are soooo ready.
Jay:  Toodles!!
Matt:  Buh bye.

You can catch all the HOT LIVE Lesbian action this Sunday at Noon ET on IWS Radio.  To listen LIVE and/or call-in, click HERE!!

You Know What's Wrong With This Country?

Well it was a rather amazing Thanksgiving here in Redneckville. Because of car problems and various other reasons, we had to stay here for Thanksgiving and not go up to beautiful and exotic Omaha, Nebraska. So, mom decided to invite her friend M.E. over for T-Giving dinner.

M.E. decided not to go to T-Giving at any of her children’s houses, so we invited her over and she spent the day explaining to us what was wrong with “this country.” Every single problem she identified applied to “this country” and not just individual people. This is what we got 4 hours of…

“I spent the whole afternoon at the cable company’s office yesterday trying to get them to explain to me why all my channels are letterbox now. They tried to claim I could fix it with my remote. That’s ridiculous. They’ve done something and just won’t fix it. We have no decent customer service in this country anymore.”

“We just have no social graces in this country anymore. Everyone just uses the ‘F-word’ non-stop anymore.”

“This country has lost all sense of decency and morality. People behave like animals.”

“Are there even any white players LEFT in athletics in this country anymore?”

“There isn’t a single decent or honest politician anywhere in this country. They’re all a bunch of crooks and liars. Every single one of them.”

“We’ve allowed the family until to just fall apart in this country. People have to move away to find decent jobs. Families separate and never see each other. Of course, I’m not all that happy with my family right now.”

“Nobody lives here (Redneckville) anymore. The ones who do work somewhere else. We’re a ‘closet’ community.”

“We’re just way too informal anymore in this country. I’m embarrassed by what my granddaughter wears sometimes.”

“Everyone in this country is driven only by greed anymore. Nothing else. And the commercialization of everything is just disgusting. I have to get up and hit the Black Friday sales in Branson tomorrow.”

“The internet is just destroying this country. Nobody ever deals with other human beings anymore in this country because of it. Everyone stays home and instead of talking to REAL people they talk to these internet people. And then they do their shopping on there. Nobody ever gets out and does things in this country anymore.”

“No company hires Americans to work for them anymore in this country. They just import people from Asia who will work so much cheaper. And then our rich people in this country don’t do any charity for America anymore. They all go to Africa to do any charity.”  

Then there was this hilarious exchange between M.E. and my mother:

Mom: “Dan H. wants the Tea Party to help him recall the mayor.”
M.E: “Who the hell is Van H?”
Mom: “DAN”
M.E: “And what’s Van H’s problem with the mayor?”
Mom: “It’s DAN H. and I don’t really know, there was just a story about it in the paper.”
M.E: “Well, I’ve never even heard of this Van H.”
Mom: “DAN. Dee. Ayy. Ennn.  He used to be mayor and was just voted off the city council.”
M.E: “Ohhhh! Yeah, DAN H. used to be mayor, but I don’t know Van.”

So basically, all that stuff so much more that I couldn’t remember is what’s wrong with this country. But, the food was good and the wine dulled the senses beautifully and all in all it was a nice day.

Also, our first liquor store opened here in Redneckville almost a year after our voting to go wet. I took full advantage of the situation and got something that would put me in the proper mood for the day … 

A Thanksgiving Message from Thanksgiving Him or Her Self

Hi all…Thanksgiving here for I’m With Stupid. Yeah…That’s right, I’m Thanksgiving.

An actual entity called Thanksgiving, talking to you from the pages of I‘m With Stupid. Well, not an actual entity…perhaps more of a spiritual entity. And sadly…

Be I spiritual, or corporeal, an entity that has now grown old and hackneyed in the eyes, minds, and souls of many Americans.

I used to matter. Yep, it’s true.

Hell, for nearly 150 years I was a big deal. Ever since Lincoln called for a national day of Thanksgiving, families across America would once a year, gather ‘round their tables, break bread, repair old friendships, and once in awhile, begin new ones.

It was a day that the entire nation took a deep breath, reflected on its heritage, and showed appreciation for those who through immigration, religious persecution, or just plain luck, ultimately allowed those of us here today, to enjoy the fruits of this nation.

And now?

I Thanksgiving, have become but an oxymoron in that I am both an afterthought and noted precursor to the commercial hegemony that is Christmas.

I deserve more than that.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on the courage of those who offered America her chance at greatness when they landed on Plymouth Rock and elsewhere, in hopes of building a brighter future in the face of hunger, sickness, and more than a few pissed off Indians.

And…while it’s true that July 4, 1776 marks the birth of this great nation and we celebrate it magnanimously, the stubborn and fertile seed that was planted in order to make that happen, was sown when the brave and oppressed from Europe landed here some 150 years prior to that.

And on Thanksgivings prior, we as a nation, as neighborhoods, and as families, would celebrate the struggles of the Pilgrims and the arduous task of colonizing this country.

We would give thanks to those gone before us and more importantly to those with us, because just as the Pilgrims had to rely upon each other, we would recognize the fact that we rely upon our families and friends as well.

And then, just somewhat recently…the national camaraderie muted, the familial bonds loosened, and the hour glass speed at which we celebrated Thanksgiving and each other, turned into the break neck pace of a stopwatch counting down to the Christmas season.

I today, am but a shell of my former self. I get six hours tops.

People eat at one or so, make small talk, exchange Christmas wish lists, and then, after a post-tryptophan nap, hit the stores for Black Friday sales, in the name of celebrating Jesus, the Maccabees, and whomever or whatever.

I today, in this world of 24/7 Cable News, big box store sales, and instant messaging, have become an anachronism…nothing more than a Norman Rockwell painting that embodies the “quaint” times which define, Americana.

I’m saddened but have a word or two of hope for you on the day which honors me…

For those of you who are taking the time to celebrate Thanksgiving with friends and family, God bless you, and may you delight in the warmth of good food, good wine, and good company for hours upon end.

For those of you who look at me but nothing more than a prologue to Christmas, God bless you as well and I hope you soon rediscover what Cicero said many centuries ago:

“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues.”

Sincerely,

Thanksgiving

All questions and comments to Thanksgiving can be routed to Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

A Thanksgiving Message of Hope and Inspiration from Pope Benedict XVI

Guten Tag and Pax Vobiscum, Bitches!!

Blitzkrieg Benny here for I’m With Stupid with a message of hope and inspiration for my Catholic brethren and sisteren in the United States as you prepare for your annual feast and celebration of Thanksgiving.

Although I reside in Vatican City and am a vast ocean and continent removed from you, I continue to be impressed and inspired by the November observance of your national day of Thanksgiving.

Your American celebration of God and Country takes me back to November 1938 when I was eleven, celebrating my Fatherland’s first national Kristallnacht Holiday with my family in Bavaria.

It was a special time when the entire nation of Germany, sat back, took a deep breath, and collectively inhaled the soon-to-be non-Jewish fresh air.  We sang, partied, and feasted.

And boy did we, as you will once again this Thursday, feast!!

I remember my mom would rise before the sun and in her efficient and workman-like Teutonic manner, prepare a meal that would make Hermann Goering blush.

Much like you honor the courage of your Pilgrims founding a new nation with a meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, and the such, we would honor our Storm Pilgrims founding a new Reich with a meal that reflected their victory over our national affliction.

We’d feast on platefuls of sweet herbs, leavened bread, and sausage.  We’d nosh on knishes stuffed with BBQ swine, and lobster.  And after the meal, we’d listen to Dear Leader’s Kristallnacht Day address and then at midnight..?

Just as you Americans assault the stores in search of bargains on Black Friday, we would assault the local stores in search of Jewish shopkeepers on Brown Shirt Friday.

It was a magical time, and as the entire celebration does for you in America, it brought our nation closer together.  Alas…

For me, the celebration of Kristallnacht has long passed.  Ironically enough, in large part to you Americans and your puritanical fervor for ridding the world of free thinking supremacists, and loathing of medal laden leather trench coats and hot looking jack boots.

It saddens me, but as I am in the business of acknowledging contrition and turning the other cheek, I forgive you.

Anyhoo…I am now the leader of the Catholic Church, and stuck here in Italy surrounded by effeminate, pantaloon wearing Swiss Guardsmen instead of beefy, leather clad SS men, and eating eggs Florentine instead of potato pancakes and sauerbraten.

I tell ya, it’s hard to get good food and good help here in Italy.  Just ask the late Der Fuhrer.  Dear God in Heaven, Mussolini was a pussy.

However…

I do want to give thanks to you in America for helping me to recall the joy that was Kristallnacht Day, and because of you, I shall tell you the three things for which I am grateful…

I just got new tires on the Pope Mobile.

Notre Dame will be going to a bowl game this year, and…

I have found true love and my life has been made whole by meeting my new lover, Haji…

My relationship with Haji teaches the world two things.

One…Even at the ripe old age of 84 it is not too late to find true love.

And two?

It shows all of my Cardinals, Priests, and other ecumenical underlings, that enjoying hot sex is not relegated to having it with boys who are younger than fourteen.

Happy Kristallnacht…Happy Thanksgiving, and as always…

Yours in Christ,

Pope Benedict XVI

If you have any questions for Benny or would like to request an audience with the Pope, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Thanksgiving is About Planning and Preparation

Hola Bitches!

Jayman here, and I’m going to help get you ready for Thanksgiving. I know you’re thinking “Hey, that’s not until Thursday.” Well, that’s true, but you can never start preparing soon enough. There is just so much to do. So many decisions to make. So many plans. So much time needed to sit and watch old Thanksgiving episodes of Giada de Laurentiis on Food Network.

What? Who else you gonna watch? Sandra Lee? She probably uses turkey meat from a can and mixes it with ranch dressing and some spices in a food processer and then molds it into the form of a turkey. Rachael Ray? I doubt she even cooks her own turkey. Ina Garten? She probably gets some fancy custom made free range hybrid organic turkey flown in FROM TURKEY.

The first thing you have to do is count how many people you’re feeding. We’ll be doing Thanksgiving for three here at the Jayman Estates and I’ll be cooking most of it. Once you know how many you have to decide what time. We’re going to shoot for an early afternoon lunch. Somewhere around 1:30 ish.

Now you have to set the menu. Turkey? Or Turkey Breast? Or no turkey at all and instead have pork roast, ham, goose, duck or red meat? We’re going with turkey breast because that’s what everyone else wants. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m into dark meat, but I like to just go along so turkey breast it is. Side dishes will be mashed potatoes (not sweet potatoes, but some people like that crap), stuffing that will be brought by our guest as well as her candied yams (whatever the hell those are) asparagus and pea casserole (others go with green bean instead), cranberry sauce and of course some dinner rolls.

And wine. You don’t want to screw up the wine choice. Don’t be a cheapskate on this one. I recommend going with a good Merlot or maybe even a top quality Red Zinfandel. I know most people will get Cabernets, but I don’t really like Cabs. Also, I don’t like to follow all those snooty “rules” about which wine goes with which foods. Just so long as you get good wine, you’ll be okay.

Simple, yet delicious menu. Although I’m still looking around to see if there is something else I should add to it. Like Nachos or something good like that.

Next we have dessert. This one is always tough because people like what they like and don’t do much compromising on desserts. We’re going with Apple Pie (frozen, not homemade) and some Vanilla Ice Cream to go with it. A lot of people prefer to be all traditional and shit and go with Pumpkin Pie. My mother loves Pecan Pie, but she wants to wait and have one on Christmas. See, you gotta think these things through and make some tough decisions.

As you can see, all the tough decisions have to be made in advance. With proper preparation, you can make Thanksgiving Day go smoothly. The only things you have to worry about is making sure you don’t have all your side dishes sitting around getting cold while you’re waiting for the turkey to get done, or vice versa. And, you have more time to decide when the big family fight will break out. Don’t want that to happen too early in the day.

Of course, if you don’t want to do any of this you could always just go to Shoney’s.

OH one other thing! Another great tip would be for you to listen to our Thanksgiving Preview Show from Saturday. It was another 45 minutes of pure comedy and Thanksgiving GOLD!  Especially when Sunshine State Shirley, Mike and Mrs. Mike all called in. How much fun would they be at T-Giving dinner? I’m guessing a hell of a lot more fun than your family.

So check it out! We thank you so very much for listening and telling all your friends about us. You guys rock!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws