Comedy Tips From Dennis Miller, Asshole

Cha Cha and a Ciceroan-type “Bonum Mane” to all of you fatuous and quixotic perusers of the Rosetta
Stone of satirical websites that is IWS Radio.

Dennis Miller here with some comedy and joke-telling tips for all of you should you heed Jayman’s clarion call from yesterday to participate in the 3rd Annual IWS Radio Joke Show which will air LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 P.M. ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Why am I, Dennis Miller, star of TV, Radio, and oft times acerbically jocular comic relief to Bill “The Castor to my Pollux” O’Reilly, offering tips to those of you who may be neophytes in the realm of cracking wise?

Because…

When one wants want to find out how to discover Cesium, one goes to Robert Bunsen or Gustav Kirchhof.

If a person would like to know how to successfully force Israelites to commit mass suicide, one would dialogue with Lucius Flavius Silva.  However…

If a potential humorite would like to be funny and find out how to cast a well baited hook of a joke on to the seas of social media, they need to, and currently are, communicating with me, Dennis Miller, and I, Dennis Miller…

Am the funniest man to walk this big, blue, oblique spheroid since Edward of March, who in 1461 after the Battle of Towton said to the disembodied head of John Clifford, the 9th Baron of Clifford…

“Roses?  We’ve been fighting over Roses?" 

Cha Cha and Bada Bing, Baby!!

If you have been able to glean a trend in my aforementioned essay, you can see that one key to being funny is to use and dare I say (mouthwash please), use liberally…obscure and arcane historical references when making a joke along with words that only turgid Ivy League professors and society’s more cultured idiot savants use.

People love that type of thing and will love you for it.

When I make a joke that includes words such as, moribund, truncated, and phalanx accompanied, with a reference to people such as Madame Curie, The Borgia Sisters, and/or Zarathustra, the audience laughs effusively, because they don’t want the person next to them to know that they have no clue as to what I am talking about!!

And the joke is…The person next to them has no clue either…nor do I!!  Cha Cha Baby!!

Ha…The joke is on you, and this Sunday, if you follow my advice, you can put the joke on Jayman and Matt-Man by calling into their show and sharing your favorite jokes.

Here’s an example…

Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss are the only two people to lose more money and franchising power than John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, who said unto his chef in 1738 when the chef served him a meal consisting of pepperoni, ham, cheese, sauce, and banana peppers between two pieces of French bread, and the Earl said...

“This is a submarine!!  Submarines have yet to be invented!!”

Cha Cha!!

See what I mean?

So there ya go; you can see why I am on with Bill O’Reilly.  I’m not only profound; I’m a pundit as well.  You could call me…

A Profundit!!

Cha Cha,

Dennis Miller

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Matt Said, Jay Said XXXVIII

Matt talar. Jay talar. Þú hlusta.

Matt:  Who is this?  How’d you get this number?  Are you looking for Schmoop?  Well, she isn--

Jay:  Dumb fuck.

Matt:  How the hell are ya?

Jay:  I feel exceedingly average this evening, which for me, is top notch.

Matt:  That’s good.  I’m feeling to be about a C+ myself.

Jay:  So I guess our show topic for Sunday is already de factorally set for us.

Matt:  Yeah, and by the way, I love it when you speak, Latin-torally.

Jay:  Well you did refer to me as, better than Cicero the other day.

Matt:  Yeah, but I was kidd---

Jay:  No. No.  I have you saying that live on air and your statement is now and forever laid upon, and contained within, the audio of the IWS radio archives.

Matt:  Okay very good.  You cogito; ergo you sum.

Jay:  Damn right and a guten tag to you too, Mister.  Now, on this Sunday’s Mothers’ Day Show, I think…

(type, type, type)

Jay:  Are you typing while we are prepinating?  That’s kinda rude dude, but I’m sure in your world it is of the “utmost importance.”  Dear God.

Matt:  I was responding to a message from Tamra.

Jay:  Our Tamra?

Matt:  Yes.  THE Tamra.

Jay:  Oh.  Well then…that is perfectly acceptable.  What is she saying?

Matt:  She says that she has new pictures up.

Jay:  Quick!!

Jay and Matt:  To the Facebook Machine!!

Matt and Jay:  We’ve seen those already.  Rats!!

Jay:  Oh well her pics are always worth a second look…and a third…and a fourth…

Matt:  Mmmmmmmm.  Are we going to be talking about hot mothers on our Mother’s Day Show this Sunday?

Jay:  Dude…Do you really need to ask that question?

Matt:  What was I thinking, of course we are.

Jay:  Annnnnd…We can talk about the best moms.

Matt:  The worst moms.

Jay:  Step-Moms.

Matt:  And of course, our moms.

Jay:  True Dat.

Matt:  I tell ya Jayman…If folks don’t listen to our Mother’s Day Show on Blog Talk Radio at Noon ET, it’s as if they are virtually bitch slapping their own mamas.

Jay:  And if they do that, that makes them, personas non gravitas.

Matt:  Uh-huh…exactly.  Talk to you Sunday at Noon.  Later, Cicero.

Jay:  Danke, and Bon Voyage!!
.

A Thanksgiving Message from Thanksgiving Him or Her Self

Hi all…Thanksgiving here for I’m With Stupid. Yeah…That’s right, I’m Thanksgiving.

An actual entity called Thanksgiving, talking to you from the pages of I‘m With Stupid. Well, not an actual entity…perhaps more of a spiritual entity. And sadly…

Be I spiritual, or corporeal, an entity that has now grown old and hackneyed in the eyes, minds, and souls of many Americans.

I used to matter. Yep, it’s true.

Hell, for nearly 150 years I was a big deal. Ever since Lincoln called for a national day of Thanksgiving, families across America would once a year, gather ‘round their tables, break bread, repair old friendships, and once in awhile, begin new ones.

It was a day that the entire nation took a deep breath, reflected on its heritage, and showed appreciation for those who through immigration, religious persecution, or just plain luck, ultimately allowed those of us here today, to enjoy the fruits of this nation.

And now?

I Thanksgiving, have become but an oxymoron in that I am both an afterthought and noted precursor to the commercial hegemony that is Christmas.

I deserve more than that.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on the courage of those who offered America her chance at greatness when they landed on Plymouth Rock and elsewhere, in hopes of building a brighter future in the face of hunger, sickness, and more than a few pissed off Indians.

And…while it’s true that July 4, 1776 marks the birth of this great nation and we celebrate it magnanimously, the stubborn and fertile seed that was planted in order to make that happen, was sown when the brave and oppressed from Europe landed here some 150 years prior to that.

And on Thanksgivings prior, we as a nation, as neighborhoods, and as families, would celebrate the struggles of the Pilgrims and the arduous task of colonizing this country.

We would give thanks to those gone before us and more importantly to those with us, because just as the Pilgrims had to rely upon each other, we would recognize the fact that we rely upon our families and friends as well.

And then, just somewhat recently…the national camaraderie muted, the familial bonds loosened, and the hour glass speed at which we celebrated Thanksgiving and each other, turned into the break neck pace of a stopwatch counting down to the Christmas season.

I today, am but a shell of my former self. I get six hours tops.

People eat at one or so, make small talk, exchange Christmas wish lists, and then, after a post-tryptophan nap, hit the stores for Black Friday sales, in the name of celebrating Jesus, the Maccabees, and whomever or whatever.

I today, in this world of 24/7 Cable News, big box store sales, and instant messaging, have become an anachronism…nothing more than a Norman Rockwell painting that embodies the “quaint” times which define, Americana.

I’m saddened but have a word or two of hope for you on the day which honors me…

For those of you who are taking the time to celebrate Thanksgiving with friends and family, God bless you, and may you delight in the warmth of good food, good wine, and good company for hours upon end.

For those of you who look at me but nothing more than a prologue to Christmas, God bless you as well and I hope you soon rediscover what Cicero said many centuries ago:

“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues.”

Sincerely,

Thanksgiving

All questions and comments to Thanksgiving can be routed to Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS