Comedy Tips From Dennis Miller, Asshole

Cha Cha and a Ciceroan-type “Bonum Mane” to all of you fatuous and quixotic perusers of the Rosetta
Stone of satirical websites that is IWS Radio.

Dennis Miller here with some comedy and joke-telling tips for all of you should you heed Jayman’s clarion call from yesterday to participate in the 3rd Annual IWS Radio Joke Show which will air LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 P.M. ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Why am I, Dennis Miller, star of TV, Radio, and oft times acerbically jocular comic relief to Bill “The Castor to my Pollux” O’Reilly, offering tips to those of you who may be neophytes in the realm of cracking wise?

Because…

When one wants want to find out how to discover Cesium, one goes to Robert Bunsen or Gustav Kirchhof.

If a person would like to know how to successfully force Israelites to commit mass suicide, one would dialogue with Lucius Flavius Silva.  However…

If a potential humorite would like to be funny and find out how to cast a well baited hook of a joke on to the seas of social media, they need to, and currently are, communicating with me, Dennis Miller, and I, Dennis Miller…

Am the funniest man to walk this big, blue, oblique spheroid since Edward of March, who in 1461 after the Battle of Towton said to the disembodied head of John Clifford, the 9th Baron of Clifford…

“Roses?  We’ve been fighting over Roses?" 

Cha Cha and Bada Bing, Baby!!

If you have been able to glean a trend in my aforementioned essay, you can see that one key to being funny is to use and dare I say (mouthwash please), use liberally…obscure and arcane historical references when making a joke along with words that only turgid Ivy League professors and society’s more cultured idiot savants use.

People love that type of thing and will love you for it.

When I make a joke that includes words such as, moribund, truncated, and phalanx accompanied, with a reference to people such as Madame Curie, The Borgia Sisters, and/or Zarathustra, the audience laughs effusively, because they don’t want the person next to them to know that they have no clue as to what I am talking about!!

And the joke is…The person next to them has no clue either…nor do I!!  Cha Cha Baby!!

Ha…The joke is on you, and this Sunday, if you follow my advice, you can put the joke on Jayman and Matt-Man by calling into their show and sharing your favorite jokes.

Here’s an example…

Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss are the only two people to lose more money and franchising power than John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, who said unto his chef in 1738 when the chef served him a meal consisting of pepperoni, ham, cheese, sauce, and banana peppers between two pieces of French bread, and the Earl said...

“This is a submarine!!  Submarines have yet to be invented!!”

Cha Cha!!

See what I mean?

So there ya go; you can see why I am on with Bill O’Reilly.  I’m not only profound; I’m a pundit as well.  You could call me…

A Profundit!!

Cha Cha,

Dennis Miller

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Two Amazing Years

Holaaaaaaa! Well, as you guys now know, I’m With Stupid Podcast is two years old. *Holds up two fingers* Yesterday Matt-Man reflected a bit on the past two years and shared some of the accolades we’ve gotten from celebrities that are still rolling in! So, along with a little of my own reflections, I’m going to share the next round of congratulatory shout outs.

“Two whole years huh? Well, give yourselves a fucking cookie, assholes.” – Denis Leary

Our Season Two Finale will be show number 172. Okay 173, we deleted one. Anyone who listened to the deleted show will remember our first lesson we learned about radio/podcasting. It IS possible to be too drunk for radio and if you aren’t fully committed to a bit, you should just bail out of it and muddle through. Although, one could make the argument that bombing and melting down is a necessary lesson too. I’m guessing most people are surprised that we’ve only had to delete one show anyway.  Now that I think about it, I should have downloaded that show before we deleted it. The Smithsonian might want it someday.

“Congrats to two great seasons and here’s to lots and lots more success in the future you SEXY BEASTS!” – Scarlett Johansson

Oh yeah, delusions of grandeur are a good thing. Dream big or go home, right? As I mentioned in comments yesterday, it’s kind of exciting and even a little scary that our “joking” about our “vast and diverse worldwide audience” isn’t really a joke anymore. For the longest time we actually knew everyone who listened to the show. There was a certain comfort in that, but it was also a little depressing.

“So you guys finally experienced a breakout and are hitting near the top of the ratings? Good for you! Also, I’m still alive fuck nuts!” – Frank Bonner 

One of the things that we kind of got away from was doing audio bits from our special “correspondents.” We did a lot of these early on and most of them were really funny. They are actually very time-consuming to do though and after a while they seemed to start all sounding alike. But, I have a feeling in the year(s) to come; we will get back into doing those again.

“OMG! You guys are so deserving of all the success you've had. I’m totally addicted to your show!” – Lindsay Lohan *steals Jayman’s watch on the way out*

The coolest thing that we have done is finally get some guests to come on the show. We’ve talked about it from day one, but have been picky about who we ask, especially since the whole “Joker/Nazi” incident. But, we most definitely plan on having as many guests as we can in the seasons to come. Who knows, maybe we’ll get some REALLY big names soon! Not likely, but maybe!

“Congrats to the Leopold and Loeb of internet radio.” – Dennis Miller

What I do know is that we will continue to make fun of all the stupid people out there. The politicians, athletes, celebrities, attention whores, stupid criminals, zealots, atheists, writers, pundits, haters, self-important fools, frauds, self-proclaimed legal/medical/financial etc “experts,” easily offended, outraged and hypocrites. Most of all though, we’ll continue to make fun of ourselves even though a lot of times the listeners don’t realize that’s what we’re doing.

“I’m really happy for you guys and impressed at how well you’ve done. You guys rock! Now leave me alone you pervs!!" – Miley Cyrus

Mostly though, I just want to thank everyone out there who listens to the show. I hope you enjoy it and maybe it brings a little smile to your day cause that’s all we really want to do. So, here’s to two great years and to season three being even better!!

“Hey Jay! I heard that impression you’ve been doing of me. Not funny buddy. You’re lucky I don’t come over there and kick your ass!” – Kirk Douglass 

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Dennis Miller Cowardly Asshole...Cha Cha

“The coward wretch whose hand and heart, can bear to torture aught below; is ever first to quail and flee, from the slightest pain, or equal foe.”

--Bertrand Russell

Boy I tell ya…Bert was one smart muthafu----shut your mouth!!  Yes he was.  He was a genius, and the above quote, one of the more simplistic for him, is dead on.

I have encountered many examples of this type of cowardly behavior of late, and by golly, the Twitter activity I experienced this past Sunday evening, compels me today, to write upon this very subject…

Cowardice.

I love the phrase, “Social Media”.  It sounds so happy, so open, so inclusive, but many times, it is not.

In fact, social media venues such as blogs, Facebook, and the aforementioned Twitter, are often no more than dens for group think, group hate, and virtual sanctuaries for those who live in fear…

For those who find comfort and safety within the swaddling security of like-mindedness rather than the growth and societal awareness which comes from the back and forth of differing opinions…

For those who live with cowardice.

It’s funny, in a strange way…

There are folks in government, in entertainment, and everyday life who claim to “have all the answers” to every economic, political, and social ill that exists today, but even more cowardly than they, are those who sit behind a microphone on radio and TV, and espouse their views as pundits, strategists, and worst of all…Radio/TV Talk Show Hosts.

Talk Show hosts are the most cowardly group of individuals I have ever come across.  They are, in a word, okay three words…spineless mouth breathers.

It was about a year ago, I was Tweeting back and forth with the man who claims to never lose an argument, “talk radio King” Neal Boortz.  I responded to something he had said while he was eating dinner at a restaurant, and after a couple of tweets he said, “That’s it, you’re blocked.”

I have heard Sean Hannity say on his radio show…

“Join my, Don’t Let Your Heart Be Troubled Twitter Army.  It’s fun.  I get tweets from Liberals, to which I say, Thanks and bye-bye, I’m blocking you now.  It’s fun!!”

What the Hell is that?  That's informed debate?

Anyway…The exclamation point on the subject of non-discourse came this past Sunday when I made a comment about how unfunny a Dennis Miller tweet was, and the may or may have not been drunk Dennis Miller, actually replied to my tweet.

It led to a couple more tweets as demonstrated by the pictures.  It was fun.  He made fun of me, I of him, and then what happened?

That’s right, Mr. I Am Bill O’Reilly’s Bitch…Mr. I Came Out of the Conservative Closet in Order to Make a Living on FOX NEWS, and Mr. I Am So Damn Smart and Funny That I Got Booted From Monday Night Football, blocked me.

Dennis Miller realized Sunday night, that he wasn’t talking to a typical viewer of FOX NEWS, nor an idiot who enjoys others thinking on his or her behalf.

And because he failed to follow comedic rule number one of knowing your audience, he slipped up, showed himself to be far from a genius, and then cha-cha’ed into obscurity on my Twitter feed by blocking me….

Just as any good coward would.

I think many including Dennis Miller himself, think of him to be outside of “convention”, to be, “on the cutting edge.”

Pfffffffft….

Dennis Miller, just like Neal Boortz, FOX NEWS, Rachel Maddow, Sean Hannity, Ed Schultz, and all of the other “big-timers” is nothing of the sort.

Miller and blowhards like him, are people who seek comfort (and ratings) in like-mindedness, and eschew informed debate which doesn’t include the facts they seek from the conclusions that they have already made.

These folks, just like the choir to whom they preach, are monolithic, un-curious, and most importantly…Cowardly.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattman_iws